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Andrew Rovere wasn’t exactly lonely. He had friends. Not a lot, that was true. But he certainly wasn’t alone all the time. He spent most of his time around other people to be honest. Every day he went to the outpatient programme his social worker had talked him into. It was all about helping people to readjust their life. There were not only people with spinal injuries like him but also people with other physical impairments or mental illnesses.
(The people that started the programme said that they certainly believed in specialised care for specific issues. But they said after the rehab that dealt with these issues specifically and in working to integrate these people in society again it was more beneficial to combine people with different restrictions. Because in the “real world” they would also encounter lots of people with different restrictions and issues and would have to learn to interact with them.)
So, he definitely wasn’t alone. He was surrounded by people every day in different group activities and courses in how to basically get his life back on track. How to do stuff now that he was bound to a wheelchair. How to apply to jobs and which jobs he could apply for. Or if he would want to go back to school. How to deal with the consequences of his injury.
Andy sighed. His spinal injury was not the only reason he felt like he lost a limb.
It was not easy. Definitely not easy. There were so many things he had taken for granted. Like standing or walking. Being able to see over the counter of a coffee shop. Taking the bus.
It felt a lot less like dying now than when he woke up in the hospital bed seeing his mother's face tearing up with joy. They feared he wouldn't survive the gunshot. But in the end, he walked away with his life. His life now meant permanent spinal damage and a wheelchair.
But losing his legs was something he could imagine overcoming. At least now after extensive months of rehab. But losing his legs without having Marco by his side was killing him.
Andy didn't even know if he would have stayed with him. He was pathetic these days. He cried the day he could go to the bathroom alone again. That his mom let him live alone now again was testament to how far he had come in the one and a half year since his injury. He had no idea if Marco would have stayed around for that. He never got the chance to find out.
Andrew Rovere was not lonely. He just didn't see the point in talking to people he didn't really feel like talking to. So, he talked to hardly anybody. Because the only person he really wanted to spend time with wasn't around any longer.
That's why he was sitting in a bar on a weekday, at a table that wasn’t really compatible with wheelchairs, nursing a beer. He watched the other people in the bar disinterested. He wasn’t really paying attention to them. Some part of his brain probably still hoped to see that head of dark hair. And the shit eating grin that normally came with it, striding with confidence in his feet. Marco had mastered the art of acting funny and loosened up while still conveying that air of danger and invincibility.
His gaze halted by a dark-haired patron that was seated at the bar with his back turned to him. His shoulders were guarded like he was trying to protect himself while seeming careless. For a moment there he thought it was Marco. Marco with a sly grin and two beers in his hand, coming over to him already a snide remark on his lips and a happy simmer in his eyes. Like he was still there to sweep him off his feet and carry his drunken ass home. Watching over him the whole night.
But the moment didn’t last. It ended as quickly as it had overcome him as the guy turned around and was just so clearly not the man, he longed to see for over a year now. And the pain hit him as hard as the first time Lilli had told him. Marco was gone. He would never come back.
His eyes were fixed on the guy but stopped actually processing what he was seeing a few minutes ago. Some part of his brain did register that he was looking at some black haired angry looking dude in a sleazy bar around the corner of his apartment but most of it was lost in his thoughts about what if.
That’s why he jumped when the guy slammed down his beer on his table and snarled at him. “The fuck are you looking at?”
Andy didn’t respond. He just stared at him shell shocked, wondering when the hell that man walked over. He was just staring at him back at the bar. Did he zone out that much? Normally he at least somehow noticed what happened around him.
“Can you fuckin’ talk?”, asked the man now clearly irritated but all Andy could do was stare.
Just as the rude stranger wanted to turn around again muttering an exasperated Jesus Christ, Andy found his voice again. “Nothing much, just trying to drown my sorrows in alcohol I guess”
The stranger snorted, turning his shoulder and throwing him an interested, almost desperate look. “Is it working?”, he asked then.
Andy shrugged. “Can’t tell yet. But if the last year is any indication, it will be a challenge”
The stranger fully turned around and sat down next to him, placing his beer on the table. “So, what’s got you all depressed?”
Andy finished his beer and waved at the bartender for another one. “Just a guy I can’t seem to get out of my head”
And even if he didn’t want to, he glanced up expecting some insult or at least a rude comment. He got careless with telling people about who he was missing some time ago. Life was too short to lie about yourself. He learned that the hard way.
The stranger took a large gulp from his own beer looking into the glass like it held the wisdom he was searching for all along. Not commenting on Andy’s confession at all. That’s a better reaction than he could have ever hoped for.
He looked up in surprise when the stranger finally said: “Yeah. I know the feeling.”
Andy didn't really know why he invited the stranger home with him. They could have continued talking in the bar but Andy didn't really feel that comfortable out in public yet. Being in a wheelchair in public was somehow harder for him than talking about his ex in public ever will be. But if this would get any deeper than it already had he wanted to be in the safety of his own four walls without any chance of being overhead.
"So, what did your guy do to you?", asked the stranger nonchalantly while looking around Andy's impressively empty but entirely accessible apartment. "Left you at the altar as well?"
He had to laugh even though nothing about that was actually funny. But to his fucked up mind being left at the fucking altar sounded like a dream. That would have been so much better. To be honest, though, Marco would have never even proposed.
He just shook his head and answered. "We never really got to that point, actually. So, you should probably consider yourself lucky"
The stranger snorted. "Yeah right. He hurts me over and over and I … just fucking let him! Even worse, I am such a pussy, too, I come back to him. Every goddamn fucking time"
They hadn't turned on the light yet so there was no way of seeing the tears. But Andy could hear them in his voice just as well.
(Pussy. Andy still flinched at that word. He hated it. He knew it was just a word and he probably didn’t mean it like that. But some of the most badass strong people he had ever met were women. And they didn’t deserve to be discriminated against by the misled usage of that word.)
(He didn’t get it at first either. At first, he was ok with calling certain things gay because he thought that they just were. And he knew it wasn’t anything bad. He still didn’t want to chastise anybody using words in ways he might not agree with. But he remembered Marco’s teary eyes and the way he said: “Languages are really powerful. Even if we don’t realise it…” And then he just couldn’t do it anymore. But right now, was probably not the moment to encourage this stranger to think about how his choice of words influenced his thinking and his behaviour. Sometimes he was not sure there was ever a right time.)
"Yeah, love just fucking sucks, dude. Everybody always tells you how amazing it is and you dream about falling in love your whole life just to regret it so bitterly", Andy lamented and took a sip from his beer. "But life just screws you over. And nobody has ever told you that losing love is far worse than never having it in the first place"
Apparently, Marco was right when he said Bavarian beer made you poetic. (They got it from his kitchen. From his secret stock of Marco’s favourite beer, he drank when he felt particularly nostalgic.)
The stranger let out a strangled breath that almost sounded like a chuckle. “I’ll drink to that”, he said and raised his beer. They stared into the darkness for a while until the stranger began to talk once again. “And after all these years. After all the shit we put each other through… he still actually doubts that I fucking love him? He may love me … he just doesn’t love me enough to stay…”
Andy sipped on his beer. He didn’t quite know if listening to this man’s depressing love life was making him feel better or worse about his own. He was pretty sure at one point that Marco had really loved him. He had never gotten the chance to find out if he loved him enough to stay. And that uncertainty hurt him and then it healed him and then it hurt him again and it was just not fucking fair.
He jugged down his beer and turned away from the stranger. Had Marco planned to stay with him? He had told him he wanted to leave the Forraciaro Mafia. He basically made him choose and laid his life into his hands at the same time. Had Giuliano found out ahead of time he would have been somewhere at the bottom of some ocean in parts and not just in a wheelchair without a future. There would have been no way for them to be together if Marco had chosen to remain with his grandfather.
“I actually thought a lot about that”, he said so quietly he wasn’t even sure the other guy could hear him. A tear slipped over his cheek as he continued. “I think I could have survived it if the answer was no. I think I could have survived knowing he was still out there able to change his mind someday. And someday he could have just appeared on my doorstep and swept me off my feet again. I think I could have coped with the possibility that he feared leaving more than he loved me. I could have understood that. I could have waited. I could have fucking hoped.” Now the tears were really flowing. He had never voiced these thoughts that had plagued his mind for the better part of two years now. “I would so much rather cope with the hurt of rejection than this. This fucking inevitability. This fucking hopelessness”
He didn’t turn around to see the confused look on the stranger’s face. Or his pity. Andy really didn’t want any pity. Or compassion. These empathetic eyes and careful tones in people’s voices were killing him these days. Like they could understand. Like they could know.
“Wha.. “, the stranger started but halted abruptly in his speech. Andy didn’t care. He wouldn’t explain shit. He wasn’t obliged to if he didn’t feel like it. But then a controlled dangerous voice replaced the stranger's voice.
“Do not move unless I tell you to. Before we continue this lovely evening, you are going to tell me who the fuck you are and what the fuck you are doing in this house and what the fuck you intend to do with this lovely depressed ball of heartbreak and tears over there?”
He whirled around immediately. His mind a little too busy comprehending that she was actually here inside his apartment threatening his guest undoubtedly with a knife against his throat (knives always were her favourite) to catch what she had said or how she emphasized every fuck especially clarifying (at least to Andy) that she was not messing around.
“Liliana?” he asked unbelievingly. She didn’t even dignify him with a glance still holding the knife against this stranger's throat from behind. “I’ll talk to you later honey, right now I am dealing with this mess”, she said in her usual playful and yet so very dangerous voice. She pressed the knife a little closer to the stranger's throat and poked him in the back with another one but still not drawing blood and demanded: “Talk! Who the fuck are you? Why the fuck are you here? And what the fuck do you want from Saint Andy over there?”
“I’m Mickey. I met this fucking guy drinking in a bar and we just got talking and then this fucker invited me over, said better to talk about heartbreak without being fucking overheard. Which by the way, was not my idea but this fucking dickhead’s! So, I just intend to ramble on about the stupid guy that fucking left me at the altar to him, I guess! So, could you please back the fuck off!”
(It never occurred to Andy before that he didn't actually know the stranger's name. They had started talking about their deepest heartbreak from the get go. Names seemed to be secondary.)
Andy was pretty impressed. There were not a lot of people who could talk back in this annoyed nonchalant tone to Lilli with a knife at your throat. Even Marco couldn’t always do it. Not that Lilli ever needed to threaten him with a knife. She had other ways to get to Marco.
Lilli seemed to agree with him because she started laughing and making the knife disappear somewhere on her body, turning around to switch the light on and elegantly sat down in his favourite armchair. Looking at the stranger calculatingly.
“Fine, I can deal with that. Sorry about the knife. But to be honest it seems to be my standard way of greeting nowadays"
She threw him a quick glance, and smiled a sad smile about her own paranoia. As if she wanted to apologize for all the future times, she would threaten some of his guests with a knife because the paranoia would probably never go away.
Then she got up and headed out and Andy panicked.
"Where are you going?", Andy called after her almost desperately. He realised he wanted her to stay. He hadn't seen her in over a year and he hadn't exactly missed her. But now when she was already standing in his apartment, he wanted her to stay. To talk to him and cry with him. Because Lilli out of all people might be the only one that understood.
Lilli just laughed again. "Don't worry, Bambino. I am just getting a beer so I can join in on your whining"
Mickey looked at her unbelievingly and then started laughing. “You are even worse than my sister. Honestly, didn’t think that was possible”
“So, your guy, Ian?”, Lilli looked at Mickey questioningly and only continued when he nodded. “Told you basically he doesn't feel worthy of marrying you because he is clinically crazy?”
Mickey shrugged. “Yeah, that’s a way to put it…”
Lilli smiled and took a sip of her beer. He had never seen her so chatty. It wasn't really her type. She was normally playful and sarcastic but still also pretty tight lipped. At the same time though, her new chatty self didn’t really seem to be all that relaxed. She seemed to be held together only by the beer bottle she was holding in her hand.
Andy had eyed her carefully ever since she reappeared threatening his new friend in his living room. He hadn’t seen her after Marcos' funeral. She was falling apart as much as him back then. But she wasn't as alone. Held together then only by her weird group of friends. She gave him a piece of paper with a phone number on it and that was the last thing he ever heard of her.
Until now.
“I am guessing from your tone you don’t like to think about it this way”
Mickey shrugged again. “Guess not. I mean, he’s joking right? I know how bad it can get! I’ve been there and I’ve stayed! Fuck, I turned myself in for him! What more does he want from me?”
Lilli snorted and looked at him with a sad smile. And the realization struck Andy like lightning. It was the same smile she had always given Marco. Maybe Mickey reminded Lilli a little of her brother. (Like he did Andy.) Maybe that’s why she continued talking to him.
“Do you actually think it is about Ian not being confident enough in his love for you? Or your love for him? That it is about him someday being tired of you and he just isn’t sure he wants you for eternity?"
Mickey winced at her words. Obviously, it was exactly what he had been thinking. But hearing it spelled out like that still had to hurt. Andy understood. Lilli had done it to him as well. She had no qualms in that department. She was pretty damn good at brutal honesty.
“Sure, it is one possibility. But I challenge you to think a little differently. Maybe the way Ian acted is not actually about your love for each other. Or his willingness to be with you. Maybe it’s something entirely different. Maybe…”
Mickey raised an eyebrow at her. “The fuck do you mean?” He asked harshly but Lilli didn’t even bat an eye.
“Could it be that it is not about Ian’s love for you or what you are willing to put up with if it means loving him but about the love, he has for himself?”
Mickey now wore a confused expression, looking at her quizzically like she just recited some physics formula. But Andy understood. It was like when Marco always held him at arm's length not really showing him how much he loved him because he was afraid, too. It was not about how much he loved him. It was more about protecting Andy from him. Even though that was the last thing Andy had wanted.
“It's difficult to accept love if you don't think you deserve any. If you think you are worth nothing more than a well-oiled machine it is difficult to understand that people may love you for more than what you can offer them in return. And when you don’t feel like you have to offer anything you can also not let yourself be loved. Although he wants nothing more than to be in your arms. Far away from everybody else.”
Andy stared into his beer bottle as if it had all the answers. He was not really sure who he was talking about. Mickey’s lover? Himself? Or Marco? He certainly knew the feeling of looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. And he knew how Marco was afraid he just wouldn’t be able to lead a normal life. That all he was ever good for was the life of crime. The restless life of a mafioso.
Lilli seemed to notice his emotional confusion and gave him a look that seemed to say get yourself together but at the same time conveyed don’t worry we’ll talk about it later. She was a master of looks like that. Then she nodded slightly. Almost as if to indicate that he couldn’t escape a conversation once they dealt with his emotional guest.
“Just saying. I get where this Ian guy is coming from, too. I ran away the first time a guy proposed to me”, she stated nonchalantly.
It was deadly silent in the room as she said that. And at the same time Mickey asked “You fucking said ‘no’ to a guy?” Andy heard his own breathless voice ask “Someone proposed to you?”
It was not that Lilli was not a beautiful and strong woman. It was not like he couldn’t imagine some guy falling in love with her and wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. It is just that Lilli was also the most terrifying person he had ever met. And behind her playfulness she was always very distant and closed off. He couldn’t imagine her talking to somebody about feelings and shit. Hell, he never expected her to sit here with a beer in her hand listening and discussing their relationship drama.
“Multiple times actually. I never wanted to get married, either” She said matter-of-factly. Totally ignoring how she just shook Andy’s entire world.
“How many people have proposed to you?” He asked and it sounded more outraged than he intended it to.
But Lilli didn’t seem the least bit impressed. “Not many”, she just said, not looking at them.
“Wrong guy?” Asked Mickey casually.
She laughed. “Probably not. Just don’t really see the point.”
“In marrying a guy who isn’t actually that bad?”, Mickey asked almost angrily.
Lilli shrugged. “Some of my best friends… To be honest they are the most committed people I know. I was good friends with both of them before they even got together... I wasn’t actually in favour of them being together. I was afraid. They both were some of my best friends. I didn’t want to lose either of them over a stupid break up”
She looked Mickey directly into the eyes. Confronting him without moving or saying a word.
“They never married. Maybe they never will. He is from a tribe of indigenous people from a little island in the Atlantic. They don’t have marriages really. It’s something else. I think roughly translated it would mean something like soul bond. Each person makes a little pendant that should represent their soul. It is important that you make it yourself. And then you have to freely give it to a person you are willing to trust with your soul. The person who received it promises to always take care of the other's soul. They say if you carry around a piece of the other’s soul you can never truly be parted.”
She looked at Mickey again. “I guess that's a little like those promise rings, right?”
Mickey snorted. And mumbled something incomprehensibly. He seemed unsatisfied. Like a child who got his favourite toy taken away. Maybe he just wanted to wallow in his self-pity and be reinforced in how unfairly he had been treated and that he was doing the right thing in being angry and punishing his ex for what he did to him. And Lilli just didn’t let him. She forced him to look at it from a different angle.
“I am not saying it was right of him to act like he acted. Your guy has behaved like a shithead. He wanted to protect you and that's alright. He should have been open about it, though. And you shouldn't have hit him when he realised, he couldn't sign the license thing. You two should honestly develop some communications skills. But being angry and being hurt and wallowing in that feeling doesn’t help anyone. Most importantly it doesn’t help you. You have to consider his side of things as well. Because I bet you, he probably feels at least as bad as you do”
Somehow that made Andy mad. Was that why she left immediately after Marcos’s funeral? She didn’t want to wallow in the grief? In his grief? Did she even mourn her brother? They didn’t have the best relationship for most of their life, who knows how long the shock of losing him lasted. At least she seemed ok now. Quite contrary to him.
(And yes, he was jealous of that. But at the same time, he didn't wanna stop grieving him. He was fucking important. He didn't deserve to be just forgotten like that. And if his family was already doing that he couldn't.)
Mickey got up and placed his empty beer bottle on the table. "Yeah, whatever", he said. "Fucker could have thought about all that before fucking dragging me to the courthouse" But his voice lacked the anger from before. It was more resigned.
Lilli didn't answer. She just continued to drink her beer and looked at Andy interestedly. Had she noticed his glum thoughts? But she looked back at their guest quickly raising an eyebrow only at him.
Mickey looked at the clock on his wall. It is already well past midnight. If he wanted to leave, he should probably do it now otherwise he could just stay the night.
"I guess…" Mickey started probably having similar thoughts to Andy and contemplating where to go now. “I guess I’ll be going then…” Or maybe he just couldn't say he was going home because he didn't know where that was anymore.
"Do you need a ride?" Andy offered.
Mickey shrugged. "Naaa, it's not that far. I can walk"
So, he was probably still going back to that rebound guy. Andy was disappointed. He had kind of hoped the guy would see reason. He could still save this relationship. They just needed to heed Lillis unspoken advice and get a grip on their fucking communication skills.
Lilli got up decidedly, looking glaringly at Mickey. “No”, she said.
Mickey raised an eyebrow at her. “The fuck do you mean ‘no’?”
She said nothing and in a matter of seconds she was holding a knife in her hand. (Andy was already used to Lillis ability to seemingly produce knives out of thin air. But he could see from the look on Mickey’s face that it was news to him.)
“I will not let you go like this. It’s none of my business but I kind of like you. So, I will at least try to help you”, Lilli declared while pointing the knife at his guest. (Andy wasn’t actually afraid of her hurting Mickey. He knew she mostly used her knives for intimidation or pining somebody to the floor by their clothes.)
“Promise me you will talk to this Ian guy. Just for once in your fucking life don’t try to sabotage your life. And listen! Actually, listen to what your guy has to say! Hear him out! And listen to yourself. Not to the defence mechanisms that are always at the forefront of your mind. Listen to the core of it all. And then do what the fuck you want to do! I don’t care. But just listen!”
Lilli was almost angry. Or desperate. Andy wasn’t quite sure. An almost familiar intensity had replaced the playfulness in her voice but she was still not moving. Determinant as fuck but still in full control of all of her movements. (If Andy had to choose, he would say that was her super power. Her never-ending self-control.)
For Mickey though, this display seemed to come as a surprise. “The fuck?”, he asked eloquently.
Lilli laughed. It wasn’t happy or mocking, it was a little sad and pitying. “I know the feeling, believe me. You think I’m full of shit and I’m just rambling nonsense. But for a long time, I wasn’t a big fan of listening or talking either. And let me tell you it fucking destroys you. From the inside as well as the outside. Luckily, I have friends who have no qualms to tie me to a chair and force me to listen"
Friends who have also taken her away from her brother's grave in their sheltered cocoon. And they left Andy there standing alone with his grief. Friends who shielded her from the outside world in that time. Friends who fucking freed her from that asshole grandfather of hers. They just couldn’t save them both. Because Lilli probably was their priority.
“Promise me!”, Lilli had almost shouted this time. Her control slipped. Andy raised an eyebrow. That almost never happened. (Why was she determined to make that stranger see some reason? Was she trying to save him, now that she couldn’t save her brother anymore?)
His guest flinched and shook his head. He was clearly not comfortable in that situation anymore. Too bad Andy knew that Lilli didn’t give a damn about that. “Fine, I promise you to listen in the future!”, he said eventually.
Lilli put the knife away and looked at him for a long time. Then she turned around and said almost as if she didn’t care, as if she didn’t force a man to promise something at the tip of her knife. And it was testament to who she grew up with that she could make that careless attitude seem more intimidating than the knife in her hand moments before. “Fine”, she said. “Leave. And listen. Because I have my ways to find out if you kept that promise.”
Andy almost smiled. (He probably would have grinned like a lunatic if he wasn’t still a little mad at her about what she said about wallowing.) That was the dangerous, borderline crazy woman he knew. Nothing in the world would drag her down.
Not even her dead brother.
“You have weird friends”, he said as Lilli returned from the kitchen after Mickey left and she put the beer bottles away.
It was something Marco would always say about her. He would say it with a raised eyebrow and a disapproving look on this face but still make it seem like the most loving thing ever. He had still loved his sister somehow.
Lilli didn’t look at him. She just flopped down on the armchair again and shrugged.
He was still mad at her because she seemed so fucking ok. So, fucking over her brother dying. He was jealous. Because he just couldn’t fucking forget about him. And if throwing her dead brother’s words back at her hurt her it would be nothing against the gaping wound in his chest.
(If he had paid more attention, he maybe would have noticed the tear that didn’t fall from her eye and the fond but still sad look on her face. And maybe he would still feel bad for hurting her like that. No matter what he so angrily thought before. That is if he actually paid attention and was not blinded by his rage and envy of her not spending her life crying in a corner.)
“I think I am the weird friend”, she replied eventually.
Andy raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? I don’t know man you seem normal to me”
She looked at him mockingly. “You’re kidding, right? The last time I left the house without knives I was twelve. All I could do was protecting. I learned caring from them”
Andy didn’t really want to feel for her right now. But he couldn’t really help it. He got it. Growing up with her incompetent parents until her grandfather violently took over. Marco had once told him that the archangel-programme probably saved her. She wasn’t cut out for growing up between all that violence.
(Andy had to agree with him. When she was forced to work for her grandfather, he could always see her flinch whenever someone got beat up or shot. And he caught her more than once trying to help the victims after all the others had left. She hid it well. But Lilliana Forraciaro cared a lot.)
He looked at her smiling calmly at him. And it made him think of Marco again. Sitting opposite to him smiling at him. She was saved from the life with her grandfather when she was fifteen. What about Marco? Why didn’t she save him?
“Did you… did you care for him, too?”, he asked carefully, not sure if he actually wanted to hear the answer.
Lilli looked away. “Yeah. I did. I just don’t know how good I was at it”
She shrugged helplessly. “We didn’t really get along very well when we were younger. Like a lot of siblings do, I guess. It’s not that I hated him. I just didn’t like him very much. When we were older and our family just grew more and more fucked up, we sort of had to rely on each other. We trusted each other. I think we cared, too. We just were terrible at communicating. That’s the thing with siblings, I guess. You sort of have to care about them. But you might not always be good at it”
The rage was boiling up in his stomach again as she talked. She had to care for him? Like he was an obligation she couldn’t get rid of. Like all of this was a drag to her. Was she saying she cared for him because he was her brother not because he was Marco? Was that it?
Was that the reason she was here as well? Out of sheer obligation to a family that had done literally nothing for her.
“Is that why you are here? You think you owe it to him?”, he asked bitterly. He still felt like the only person on earth that actually missed Marco. And that made him lonelier than anything else ever could.
Lilli didn’t answer him. She almost looked uncomfortable. But reading Lillis moods was always a challenge he wasn’t sure he could actually accomplish.
And it made the anger fully surface. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. So, he just screamed at her: “Why the hell are you here? You don’t have to be! We are not fucking related and not working together anymore! Are you doing all that out of some fucked up obligation? I don’t fucking want that! I don’t want compassion I don’t want pity”
She finally turned around again and threw him an angry glare. “I do not pity you!”, she said, enunciating every word. But Andy wasn’t done yet.
“Why else would you set up your dead brother’s cripple mistress with extra physical therapy? Or whatever that professional rehabilitation shit is? Yeah, I know it's you behind all that. My social worker is not exactly a trained spy. It was quite easy to guess! You don’t have to stick around for me! I loved Marco. And all that shit is not making me stop missing him. I am fine without you, ok? You can fucking go and be happy! You obviously don’t miss him anymore! How long did it take you to forget about him? A few weeks? It’s been over a year! And I am still here being miserable without him and YOU DON’T EVEN CARE THAT HE’S DEAD!”
Lilli shot up from her chair and was striding towards him with strong confident steps. She stopped immediately before him talking in a low calm voice that betrayed only on the edges how upset she was.
“You don’t get to say that. You don’t get to just belittle my grief because you can’t deal with yours! You can’t tell me how I am supposed to cope with my brother's death! You can’t tell me I didn’t care for him! You do not get to be the only person on earth who is devastated by his death! You weren’t there! You weren’t there when he died! I was the one to watch her own grandfather strangle her brother! I was the one who saw his eyes turn dead. I was the one who carried his body out of that wretched place! I get to choose how I am dealing with all that. I get to choose how I will continue my life. Because I still live! And I have to find a way to live without him while still taking him with me! And it is my suffering and my mourning and I can do that in whatever way I like!”
Her hands were clenched and trembling while her eyes were staring straight through him not focused on anything. She was losing control. Her breath got faster and irregular. It was like she was about to cry from anger and sadness and betrayal. But she was still Lilli and holding herself together with every thread of self-control she still possessed. The self-control that had always dominated her behaviour and was slipping away with every second now.
Andy didn’t react. He was still too shocked by her words and the truth in them. There were still tears running down his face and he was still lost in his feelings while he slowly realised that the most well-adjusted person, he knew was now losing her control.
And he not only had no idea how to stop it and readjust the social power structure, he was the one who caused her outbreak.
“Will you marry me?” Suddenly, there was one of her weird friends standing tiredly on the doorstep. (The lawyer if Andy remembered correctly.) He was leaning against the doorframe looking exhausted and not the least bit worried about Lilli’s outburst.
Lilli didn’t turn around at first but her expression had softened considerably and she started laughing. She turned around and looked at him shaking her head lightly and said mockingly: “As if!”
They all went to bed after that impromptu proposal Lilli declined so nonchalantly. Andy didn’t know how to react to Lillis outburst especially after her friend had appeared in his apartment. So, he didn’t complain when her friend suggested that they should all head to bed. He went to his own bed while his two guests set up camp in his living room.
When he woke up the next day, he immediately felt guilty for all the things he said to Lilli the night before. He frantically rushed into the living room half expecting her to be already gone when he didn’t see her immediately. Her friend was still fast asleep on the couch and he was looking around desperately when she came out of the bathroom looking still half asleep.
“I’m sorry!”, he apologized as soon as he saw her. She just smiled at him and pinched his arm lovingly and then she lied back down on his carpet and left him standing there in his wheelchair wondering what that all meant. Did she accept his apology? Was she still mad at him? And why was she lying on the floor? That guy proposed to her last night and apparently not for the first time. And yes, his couch was not very large but two people who liked each other could probably fit on it.
Sadly, he couldn’t dwell on it for long. He had to leave for his rehab programme she got him into. And although he desperately wanted to resolve the shit between them, he didn’t want to piss her off even further by not going.
So, he spent the day wondering and hoping that she would still be there when he got home. Anxiously awaiting the time, he could finally leave to go home.
His heightened excitement didn’t go unnoticed. He collected many sceptical and questioning glances. One of the physical therapists even commented on it. But Andy ignored them all and left without a word as soon as the clock struck 3:30 pm.
When he entered his apartment, he noticed an unfamiliar coat hanging on his coat rack. And he had hope again that Lilli was still there. She was sitting on the balcony to be exact. A blanket wrapped around her staring off into the distance. Dread came and mixed into his hope. What would he say to her?
He contemplated for a while and then grabbed a blanket himself and told himself to just get it over with.
“Hey”, he said gently when he joined her on the balcony. “I didn’t mean to be such an asshole yesterday. I guess I just lost it…”
She raised her hand to stop him and then gestured to him to sit down next to her. And so, they sat there in silence for a while. Andy grew more nervous with each second until he noticed Lillis slight smile. It was barely there. And people not used to reading Lilli’s expressions might have never noticed. And Andy remembered Marco saying it was probably the truest smile his sister could smile. Everything else looked fake on her.
And then he relaxed and just enjoyed the silence and the view over the city in the dying daylight.
“I lost my brother”, Lilli suddenly spoke up after a while. She didn’t turn to look at him but she knew he didn’t miss a word of what she said. “You lost him, too. You know how horrible it is. I think it will never not be horrible. I mean, he was barely twenty. Almost still a child”
She paused and continued to stare into the distance a tear slowly sliding down her cheek.
Andy realised he had been wrong. So very wrong. Lilli cared about Marco. She might care about him differently and she might mourn him differently. But she didn’t miss him any less than he did.
“At first, I was just devastated. I cursed God and all the angels. I didn’t understand why they took him from the world when he had still so much to give. I grieved and I mourned him. But I also realised I didn’t have a choice other than to keep on living. My life wasn't just about to end as well. I was still alive. I just had to choose how I was going to do that”
She took a deep breath and wiped the tears of her cheeks as if she was bracing herself for what she was going to say next.
“So, I knew I lost him. But… I kind of hoped … I thought eventually maybe I didn’t lose all of him. I will always have a brother. I still have my memories of him. Even though he isn’t on this earth anymore he didn’t just stop existing, you know?”
Andy didn’t. Not really. But he was starting to.
“I still have a brother even though he isn’t on earth anymore. He was here. With us. And he was flawed and wonderful and smart and amazing. And I would have never told him that”, she laughed. “Markus lived. And he laughed. And he loved… I think, he loved you most”
Now she was looking at him and Andy couldn’t hold in the tears anymore. They flowed down his cheeks freely washing out all the bitterness and anger from the last few days.
(He also had always loved who she pronounced his name. Not the Mafioso version he himself had become so accustomed to. Just the hard edges of Markus.)
“I loved… I still love him the most, too”, he said quietly between his tears. Lilli didn’t try to comfort him and he was grateful for that. Compassion would probably kill him right now.
“So, … I was going through his stuff recently … and I found this…”, she continued and pulled out a small velvet case from under the blanket.
He just looked at her quizzically. “What’s that?”, he asked confused.
She opened it and showed him two black shiny rings sitting next to each other in the case.
“He always wanted to be where you were”, she said so quietly it was almost a whisper and put the small case in his hands.
Andy was overwhelmed with different emotions. He was so relieved and happy that Marco had actually wanted to stay with him. He was sad that they were so cruelly robbed of that opportunity. And he missed him right now more than ever.
“He could never really leave me, you know? Because I am his sister and if you want to or not that shit is for life. But he actually wanted to be bound to you for eternity. And I think he was. Maybe not legally and maybe not even by those rings. But his heart was bound to you. And I think it still is”
Andy was too overwhelmed to answer. He just stared at the rings in disbelief. Marco had bought them. He had bought them for the two of them. He wanted to marry him. He wanted to stay. Marco loved him. He couldn’t quite believe it.
Lilli looked away again, almost seeming shy now.
“So, … I thought... I am bound to him by blood and DNA and dysfunctional family ties or whatever. And you are bound to him by love…so… I thought… maybe… Maybe we two are somehow bound together by him. Related by Markus or some shit”
Her voice grew quieter with each word and it sounded so vulnerable, like Andy had never heard her talk before. And he began crying anew. She thought they were family. She was basically offering him to be her brother so they could help and support each other like Marco would have done. And he wanted to tell her thank you and hug her and tell her how she just made him happier than he had been in the past year. But his throat was closed up and he couldn’t say a word. So, he reached out and took her hand and squeezed it really tightly. She squeezed it right back and together they watched the sunset over the city lights.
After a while when he finally could stop crying excessively and it got dialled down to mild crying Andy tried talking again. His voice sounded raspy and weak but he didn’t care. The words were important. He could get over that little embarrassment.
“You are right. We are related. Related by loving him. Related by our memories of him.”
She smiled again. Bigger and truer than he had ever seen her before and she squeezed his hand again. “Yeah, related by memories”
Lilli stayed for a few days. Even accompanying him to the programme sometimes. And it actually felt amazing. His mom was there for him a lot in the beginning of his rehab. But at some point, he couldn’t stand her overbearingness and constant worrying anymore. She wanted to help him with everything and in the beginning, he might have needed it but now it felt like she was holding him back. Together with his therapists and doctor they discussed that Andy was getting a lot better and would actually benefit from being on his own for some time. He still had to promise his mother to call her immediately if anything happened and in case, he forgot she regularly texted him.
Lilli was not suffocating him with her care. She was hardly caring at all. She laughed at him when he struggled to see over some counters and made a snide remark whenever he acted ridiculously clumsy. But she asked honestly if he needed help and didn’t make him feel like she was looking down on him. She treated him like she would have treated him before just within the boundaries of his new reality. It was refreshing. It gave him a sense of normalcy.
Her friend had come back the evening shortly after their talk on the balcony. He had introduced himself as Fred and apologized for not being able to stay any longer and get to know him better but he was doing an internship at some court in Chicago and wouldn’t be able to spend more than his nights with them anyway.
(Andy secretly suspected that he wanted to give them more space intentionally. They needed time to get to know each other in their new reality. The reality of being family. Andy liked him. Not only because he gave them space. He had never seen Lilli as relaxed as when she was around him. He made her feel safe and Andy knew from experience that that was no easy task with the Forraciaro siblings.)
(He kissed her on the cheek when he left. Or at least he tried to. Lilli halted his movements with practised precision but he just smiled at her warmly and said: “See you around, Ianna”. When he had asked her what that was about, she just gave him the finger.)
Some evenings they just sat together in silence enjoying the silent support the other could give. Some evenings they talked until the sun threatened to rise again. Mostly Andy started the talks. Lilli would probably have been content with portraying all her emotions and words with subtle looks. Which amused Andy because just a few nights ago she had threatened a stranger into listening more.
But when he started talking, she didn’t back down. She didn't close up. She told him stories about when she and Marco were kids or when they were under their grandfather's care. And maybe that’s what she meant by listening.
She was actually a good listener. She didn’t interrupt him or commented on what he had to say. She squeezed him tight when he needed her to and she stayed away from him when he thought he couldn’t bear anybody looking at him right now. She didn’t exploit it when he was vulnerable. Instead, she made herself vulnerable as well.
It was funny how much better it made him feel to actually talk about Marco. Just Marco. He hadn’t really done it since his funeral. His mom had tried. But he shut her out almost immediately. His therapists had also tried. But he didn’t think he actually could talk to any of them. Telling Mickey, he tried to drink away his sorrows about a guy was probably the most honest he had been to anybody about Marco in almost a year.
Somehow though talking to Lilli about him was easy. Maybe because she loved him as well. She didn’t question why he fell in love with a ruthless mafioso because she knew that Marco hadn’t been one. She understood in ways maybe nobody other than her could. Talking to her felt like a weight was lifted off his chest and he could finally breathe again.
It was not always pleasant to talk to Lilli. Because she never shied away from asking uncomfortable questions. She had asked him if he ever hurt Marco or how he decided to leave Forraciaro. She never pressured him into answering and sometimes she even gave her point of view on the topic or told him a quiet voice how she felt about all of that, too.
On one of those evenings where they were just enjoying each other's company silently she suddenly asked: "Have you ever thought about what you would do once you left?"
He looked at her quizzically. "What do you mean?"
She looked at her feet as if she was embarrassed by asking. "I mean you wanted to leave the Mafia and all that crime behind you. And I get why. But what did you want to do afterwards? Would you go back to school? Or find a job?"
Andy looked at his shoes and contemplated the question. Had he ever thought about it? A sinking feeling settled in his stomach when he realised, he couldn’t give her an answer.
(He almost felt betrayed even though he realised that he had no right to be. Lilli had always liked to ask the really hard questions. She never was content with the just slightly easier ones. He knew that about her. But being on the receiving end of such a conversation still wasn’t necessarily nice. Especially when she was the first one, he had ever told about his desire to leave. His voice had been even below a whisper when he had asked her about a life without breaking the law at every turn. And he remembered her smile that only slightly tugged at her lips but shone all the way out of her eyes and her soothing words and honest advice and warnings. She knew as well as him that there was not really a safe way of leaving.)
“No”, he finally said, his voice sounding hollow. “I … I didn’t really expect to make it, I think. I hoped of course… I was longing to be free of the mob so badly but… This freedom almost felt like the sun and looking into it too closely would burn my eyes…”
Andy’s cheeks began to burn when he realised how unprepared he had been. He really hadn’t thought anything through. No wonder Marco was reluctant at first. It had to have seemed like a fairy tale. Just leaving like that… He almost let out a dry laugh remembering how angry he had been at him for not choosing him immediately. He had been quite naive.
And then he looked at the ring he wore on his finger now and remembered that Marco had loved him despite it all. And he remembered that even though Marco was gone now he was still loved. That calmed him down. At least a little.
Lilli smiled a sad smile before she told him: “I get it. It is sometimes hard to believe how difficult it is to actually have a future”
She looked at him contemplatively from the side as if she couldn’t quite decide if he wanted comfort now or if she should just pull the blanket around her shoulders closer and continue to talk. He looked back at her and then decidedly put his hand on her knee and squeezed it a little. He didn’t know if he wanted comfort either. Sometimes it just reminded him how hard it was to give comfort when you are in a wheelchair. But he wanted to put her out of her misery. And when she didn’t tense up at his touch but sort of almost leaned into it, he realised that she was just like Marco in so many ways. She wasn’t really contemplating if she should comfort him, but looking for comfort for herself but also unable to ask for it.
“I got away from my family when I was fifteen, you know?”, she said almost nervously. “But it took me a long time to really realise that I could actually choose what to do with my life. Before that I just thought I had to work as soon as I could to support the family and simply just survive. Then I thought I was going to work for my grandfather anyway but then… I got recommended for the archangel-programme and I was suddenly away from all of that. In a completely different world confronted with different people and a different country. I wasn’t really that far away from home but anyway. I still didn’t really think of myself as free. I knew I had to go back home sometime. For the holidays or whenever the programme ended… I still kind of thought I had to go back. But the longer I was away I realised that I didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to work for him. And it crushed me. I didn’t feel like there was a choice or like there was any hope. And I … I was already so used to it I didn’t even think I could actually have a choice in this. I didn’t actually think I could be in charge of my own life!”
Her voice trembled and there were tears streaming down her face and Andy wished once more that he could reach her better to just hug her and whisper soothing reassurances in her ear. He reached for her hand and squeezed it so tight it almost had to hurt but this time she didn’t move. She sat there like a statue.
“Fred finally made me see reason”, she finally continued after looking into the nothingness for a while. “I think it was shortly after I turned eighteen. He said to me: ‘You can do whatever you want now’ and maybe for the first time in my life I realised he was right. I was in charge of myself now. I didn’t have to ask anybody's permission for anything anymore. It was finally my life. And at first, I was so relieved and joyous and just… happy! It was like I could finally see the world in all its colours and …”
She laughed a little, wiping away some tears and finally looking at him again. And then she said in a stronger voice than before: “Honestly, it was overwhelming! There was this whole world in front of me and I didn’t know where to start exploring it. And it terrified me. And I realised that actually having a choice, having a say in what you want to do in life is so freakishly hard. And great. And sometimes so frustrating. But I guess … It’s worth it. Because in the end even if you make mistakes at least they are your mistakes and you can actually learn from it”
Lilli smiled at him again. Some tears were still glittering in her eyes but she actually looked happy now. And then she hugged him and Andy rested his head on her shoulder feeling her relax against his body.
Andy started to cry when she whispered in his ear: “I hope you know that you have a real choice now. And whatever you decide to do I will do everything in my power to support you through it, ok?”
He cried because she was right. It was overwhelming. Not only all the opportunities the world could offer. But also, her unconditional support and comfort. And he cried because she so deserved this freedom but a few years later her grandfather still had gotten to her. He had found her and forced her to work for him again. It had only been a few years.
“I…”, he choked out between sobs. “I am so sorry you lost your freedom again”
Lilli let out a small honest laugh and pulled back from him to look him directly in the eyes once more. “Don’t be”, she said confidently. “I got it back. At least the parts I wanted to have back. I don’t mind being dependent on my friends and family. And I don’t care if I have to tell some people some fake names to get more evidence about my grandfather’s drug empire to finally take him down in the end. And you know I can actually still do what I want to do. Travel the world and teach people about self-defence. Don’t worry about me. I got it figured out”
She smiled at him again. “So, you figure out what you want to do. Take your time if you need to. And then tell me where you need help, ok?”
He smiled back at her and nodded. Finally feeling like he had a future again.
(Even though it was - like Lilli had so graciously pointed out - fucking terrifying. But he was sure he could manage it. He had a family; he had his mom and he had Lilli and together they could do almost everything.)
Lilli left the next morning. She turned around one last time at the door to give him one of her half smiles and winked at him. Then she said in her playful voice: “Take your life back, bambino. Make some choices!” And before he could even react, she was out of the door.
She only had stayed for a few days and she hadn’t actually changed anything. His apartment was still the same. Safe for a few blankets lying around in random places. He was still going to the outpatient programme every day and spent most of his nights at home. His mom still texted him constantly and visited him every week.
But Andy felt completely different. His apartment didn’t seem so empty anymore. It was like she filled it with life when she was here and left some for him when she left. It felt more like home now. He didn’t look at the outpatient programme as a waste of time or a necessary evil anymore. He recognized its usefulness now. And he actually started to listen to the people and realised it may actually help him in trying to figure out what he would do with his life. His mom was still overbearing of course. But he wasn’t annoyed by it that much anymore. He knew that she just loved him and she worried about him. And somehow it was more bearable now.
He still missed Marco. And sometimes it still felt like somebody had ripped his heart out. But it didn’t feel like it would devour him anytime soon. He knew he was allowed to miss him and still get on with his life. He knew now that he wasn’t the only one who missed him anymore. He wasn’t alone in his grief anymore. And somehow even the slight notion of sharing the grief made it easier to deal with.
That was probably the crux of it all. Life didn’t just miraculously get easier. It was still incredibly hard. He still had some bad days. Days were getting out of bed seemed just too hard to accomplish. When the sun didn’t seem to shine. And when being alone felt like dying. But at some point, he always remembered that Marco had loved him and his life was not lost. It wasn’t any easier. He just finally felt like he could actually overcome all of it.
Sometimes he caught himself staring at the rings Lilli had given him, for hours. (He had started to wear one on his finger. He figured he could still take it off again whenever he wanted to but right now, he wanted to carry this piece of Marco with him everywhere he went.)
It seemed so impossible. Still so unbelievable. Andy couldn’t always believe it. It didn’t really matter, though when just looking at the rings made him smile.
He had learned to remember the fond memories of Marco again. He remembered the beautiful clever boy, his laugh and his glinting eyes. His foul mouth that he couldn’t even understand because he never cared to curse in any other language than his mother tongue. They were family. And they always would be.
He thought a lot about Lilli’s questions as well. About all of them really but particularly about what he wanted to do with his life now that he had choices. Then he would play around with the ring on his finger and think about what he had to offer the world. Or what he would enjoy doing in the world.
(Andy soon realised that Lilli had been right. The world was filled with countless opportunities and being able to actually really choose was more than a little overwhelming. Especially when you so far always felt like nothing more than a pawn in another man’s game.)
It was weird how these few days seemed to turn his life around like this. Lilli just marched in without a care in the world if she was even wanted here. And she brought him hope and a family and left him to deal with it. Deal with actually having a life to live. And she just might have saved him like that.
Two days after Lilli left, Andy finally put away all the blankets lying around in his living room. (Lilli seemed to be addicted to blankets. She almost always had one draped around her shoulders.) When he took the ones from the sofa, she slept on most of the nights after her friend had left a small note fell out. On it was written in scrawly handwriting a phone number. The comment underneath the number resolved any doubt who had written it. Use it this time. Dumbass
Months later he found himself in a bar again. But this time he wasn’t sitting heartbroken in a corner. A few of his friends from the outpatient programme suggested they should all hang out outside the depressing rec room in the rehab centre. They all could use a little normalcy and laughter so they met up in a bar afterwards. And Andy had to admit that he actually enjoyed himself.
They just sat down and ordered a few beers joking around and laughing when Missy couldn’t find her beer and asked almost frustratedly: “It’s on my left side, right?” (After a stroke a few years ago, it was hard for her to perceive and notice things that were on her left side. Brains are weird like that.)
They had just settled in and Martin suddenly turned serious and said: “Guys, I got a job. So, you won’t see my sorry ass again next month. I will start my training as a mental health counsellor then by the start of may!”
The whole table cheered and they clinked their glasses together, hugging him and wishing all the best luck. The blind man beamed with excitement and the praise and congratulations of his friends and was just so happy. And Andy realised that this was what Lilli wanted for him. This is where he would need to get. Looking forward and actually seeing a future. Some kind of purpose or goal.
Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and a voice behind him said: “Didn’t think I would see you again”
Andy turned his head and saw Mickey grinning slightly at him. He smiled back and said: “Yeah. I guess the world really works in mysterious ways, ha?” Then he turned to his friends again, congratulating Martin one last time and explained that he would just catch up with an old friend real quick.
They went over to another table, not dissimilar to the one they met at a few months ago. After he settled Andy gave Mickey a once over. He looked good. Better, actually. Less heartbroken and happier. Maybe everything eventually worked out with his guy. Maybe they actually worked on their communication skills. Andy would strongly recommend it because he knew Lilli and had no doubt that she would keep her promise and check up on him. She was probably already keeping taps on them.
The guy gave him an almost shy smile and sat across from him on the table and then asked: “So did you get rid of your sister again? Or is she still terrorizing all your guests with knives?”
Andy had to laugh but then he shook his head and answered: “No. And if I am lucky, I’ll keep her forever. But she didn’t extend her visit and is scaring off strangers someplace else now.”
And then he added: “Besides, you don’t really get rid of her when she decides that you need her.”
Mickey raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
“Yeah”, Andy affirmed confidently. “And when do you ever not need family?”
Mickey snorted. “I could give you some examples…”, he trailed off having a dark glint in his eyes. And Andy couldn’t shake the uncomfortable notion that it reminded him too much of Marco whenever he talked about his grandfather. He probably had a point there. Some families were better not to have around. So, he shrugged at him and said as nonchalantly as he could: “I really needed her back then, at least. Even though I didn’t know it…”
Mickey just let out a soft mhhh and took a big gulp from his beer. Then they sat there in silence for a while, sipping on their beers. Andy began softly stroking the ring on his finger again and noticed that Mickey was now wearing a ring as well.
So, he asked: “You got your guy back?”
Mickey let out a short laugh and said: “Yeah...kind of married him and I … I’m really happy. I think we’re actually good, now. Like we finally get to be happy without any drama...” His voice sounded so soft, so happy it threw Andy off track. Granted he only met the guy once during what was probably some of the worst heartbreak of his life. But the loving expression on Mickey’s face still caught him by surprise.
“So, he got over his wedding jitters…” Andy connected the dots.
Mickey shrugged again and smiled. “Yeah…”, he trailed off.
He was looking at something in the distance before he wanted to know: “So that will probably get your crazy sister off my ass, right? Almost sounded like she was coming after me in the end…”
Now Andy had to laugh. As if Lilli would give up that easily. He wished! But he decided to change the topic and leave Mickey to his delusions. He would find out soon enough anyway.
“Did you two resolve your issues then?”, he asked, not very ceremoniously changing the topic.
Mickey avoided his gaze and muttered quietly: “We love each other. I think we stopped doubting that now…”
Andy tried to hide his smile. At least it was an elegant way to evade the question. (He was so not off the hook with Lilli.)
“So, you did listen to him?”, he inquired further with a playful smile on his lips. He was probably playing a dangerous game. But he was having a great night and maybe his insensitive questioning would prepare him a little for Lillis inevitable visit.
Mickey looked at him bewildered but not very fazed with his curiosity. “The fuck? I fucking married the guy, of course I talk to him?”
Andy had to hold in a chuckle as he said: “You would expect that, wouldn’t you? But do you like ... really? You take him seriously at all times?” He was pushing his luck now and he knew it. They were actually not that good friend so he could ask such personal questions.
“Why are you asking stupid questions? The guy’s bat-shit crazy! ‘Course he’s sometimes impossible to understand!”, Mickey countered in a tone that seemed to say Are you dumb?.
“Didn’t know you called me pet names in public! That’s really cute!”, a tall red-headed guy cut in before he kissed Mickey on the cheek and sat down next to him. Then he turned to Andy and said quite nonchalantly: “You must be pretty special when Mickey is talking to you voluntarily. Hi, I’m Ian, his husband.”
Mickey shoved him slightly. “Fuck off. That’s a guy I met a few months ago during all that engagement madness”, he more or less explained how they knew each other. Then he took his husband's hand and stroked it softly under the table. Away from curious gazes.
(Maybe he tried to rub away the guilty look on Ian’s face that flashed there when he said engagement madness. But it disappeared quickly and merged into a winning smile.)
“I guess then maybe I should thank you for talking him into giving me another chance”, Ian said and looked at him kind of expectantly. But Andy already shook his head and replied laughingly: “I can’t really take credit for that. That was more …” He didn’t get to explain it further because Mickey interrupted him exclaiming: “Yeah! It was more his badass crazy sister, calling me out on some shit”
Andy smiled at that pretty accurate description and played with the ring on his finger again. Which probably prompted Mickey to ask: “You got engaged, too?”
Andy stilled his movements. Did he? If Marco ever actually asked him, he would have definitely said yes but since he more or less left Lilli to the task… He wasn’t quite sure what wearing the ring meant except that it calmed him down. So, he just shrugged and tried to sound as casually as possible when he replied: “I’m not sure. Can you be engaged to a dead man?”
Both men looked at him caught off guard. “What?”, asked Mickey dumbfounded.
Andy tried to smile reassuringly. “It’s almost been two years now. It’s ok…”, he tried to smooth over the shock his confession had created. Although he didn’t really know what to say. He just hoped they would get over it quickly.
Mickey huffed. “Waoh. Wasn’t expecting that. Thought your guy had left you as well or some shit…”
Andy shook his head. “No”, he explained. “He died almost two years ago now. Didn’t have a ring though when we met a few months back…”, he trailed off.
“I’m sorry”, Ian said in some semblance of courtesy. “Didn’t you want to wear the ring before?”
“No”, Andy said dryly, suddenly fighting back tears. “Lilli just found the rings and brought them to me. I never… He never…” He choked, wiping the tears away that were already flowing down his cheeks and tried to get a grip on himself again.
(He was pissed at himself. He actually thought he was ok with it now. He didn’t want to cry in public. Why could he just not stop doing such stupid things? That was really embarrassing.)
“Yeah… It’s not really conventional”, he laughed trying to cover up his teary eyes.
“That’s a way to put it…”, this Ian guy said uncertainly.
Mickey snorted. “Yeah… Your sister is a crazy bitch, though. I mean she greeted me with a knife against my throat… But going through your dead boyfriend's stuff because you are heartbroken off your ass… That’s bat-shit…”, he said probably in an attempt to get rid of the tension in the room.
Now Andy actually had to laugh. “You know she is not really my sister, right?”
Mickey gave him a confused look. “What? Why the hell else did she just appear in your apartment in the middle of the night?”
Andy smiled lightly and pointed at the ring when he said: “She’s his sister. I had seen her last at the funeral and then over a year later she suddenly appeared with the rings…”
Now Mickey had to laugh and clinked their beer bottles together saying almost lovingly but also kind of desperately: “Family, right?”
And Andy smiled and took a big gulp of his beer. Mickey got it faster than he himself.
“Yeah”, he said. “Family”
He called her later that night. It was awfully late and no normal person would pick up the phone at this time. Good that Lilli was in no way a normal person and probably not even in the same time zone as him so he at least had a chance that she was somehow still awake.
It rang a few times and to Andy it seemed like an eternity until finally a raspy voice on the other line said surprised: “Saint Andy?”
“Hey”, he said more relieved than he would ever care to admit. “How are you?”
She laughed and sounded a little exhausted. “Since you are kind of new to this family, I am gonna clue you in on something. We were never really the caring type. Mostly we just insulted and teased each other and left one another to read the affection in between the lines…”
He snorted. And she wanted to teach somebody else about communication skills…
“But if you wanna change things up a little, fine with me. But reckon that I lived in the Czech Republic for some time and these people there actually take such questions seriously…”
“What do you mean?”, he asked confused.
“That I am gonna really tell you how I feel and not just gonna palm you off with some Good … How are you bullshit, all right?”
A warm feeling spread in his chest and he said softly: “Fine with me. Hit me!”
And so, he listened to her. How stupid the pupils in her self-defence courses where and how she hated the non-existent public transport system in the town she was currently in. But also, how she was still scared her grandfather was going to find her again. How life felt too much sometimes. And how she felt like the odd one out sometimes.
He also heard how hard it was for her to actually say some of these things out loud. And how it freed her sometimes. And how she was so happy for him to have called her.
(Maybe he got it wrong. Maybe she communicated in every way she could. Maybe that was exactly what she meant by learning to listen. To hear everybody out and keep a close eye to the space between the lines.)
“How are you?”, she finally asked when she seemed to be done.
He shrugged even though she had no way of seeing that. “I met Mickey again today. He actually married the guy he was whining about all the time when you met him. Met the guy too. Seemed solid. He actually thinks he’s off the hook with you now that he’s married”
That made her laugh and she snorted: “Idiot. As if I don’t know how to properly threaten people! The key is to follow through with it!”
He agreed wholeheartedly and smiled into the darkness.
“The rehab thing is going well, too. I think I actually made some friends now. I talk to the other patients more. Today we were in a bar after the programme ended…”
She didn’t say anything but he imagined her smiling at the phone wherever she was in the world right now.
“I also thought a lot about your question. You know, what I want to do with my life now… and I think I kind of have an answer…”, he continued getting more nervous with every word.
“Oh yeah?”, she asked interestedly. “Do you want to tell me?”
“Yeah… I think I wanna go to school again. I’m not that old actually and … There is a whole world out there and I wanna know more about it. Maybe I’ll do biology or anthropology or some shit. I don’t have to decide that right now…”
Now that he said it, he felt better. Like keeping it a secret had put a weight on his heart. But it was only his first secret to commit to her and the second one was kind of a bigger deal. At least to him.
“I think that’s a good idea. I’ll talk to Fred about scholarships and that shit. Or maybe Lur… He knows more about… that…”, she said supportively.
Andy smiled and mentally prepared himself for what he was gonna say next. That was the real secret. The real reason he had called her in the middle of the night in the first place.
“Thanks a lot … I… I really appreciate it. And Lilli?”, he asked rushing the words out before his courage would eventually leave him.
“Yeah?”, she asked, amused at his nervousness.
“I also thought about the rings. I started wearing one so … I have a reminder of him everywhere I go but… There are two of them, you know? And I thought… maybe… if you want… it could be nice…”
“Spit it out, bambino!”, she laughingly interrupted his rambling.
He took one last deep breath before he said: “Maybe you should take his ring. You know to remember. To keep him with you. I don’t need two rings. And at least then I know his ring is with the person closest to him on this earth”
There was silence on the line for quite some time. And Andy began to doubt that it was a good idea. Lilli probably didn’t want to be reminded of seeing her brother die before her eyes every day. It was a stupid idea. Why did he ever think…? He should really stop thinking…
But then Lilli spoke again. Her voice sounded low and almost empty but still so very fond. And she said: “You really can be a Saint sometimes, Andy…”