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Everything had gone to shit.
That’s all Armin could think about during his desperate attempts to fall asleep. The noise in his head combined with the discomfort of the forest floor kept him painfully awake, so much so that he gave up trying all together. Slowly, trying not to wake anyone who had the good fortune of falling asleep, Armin climbed out of his bedroll and walked out into the forest. He knew there was a small pond nearby; they had gotten water to make stew there, and he hoped that the calmness of the water might help dampen his emotions.
As he approached the pond, he noticed a familiar shag of brown hair. Jean clearly had the same idea as him, coming to sit by the water for a bit of peace.
“I take it you couldn’t sleep either?” Armin asked as he approached, startling Jean from his peace and solitude
“You know how much I hate sleeping on the ground,” Jean replied, turning his head to face the pond once again.
“Well you picked the wrong job if you were looking for a life of luxury. Maybe the military police would have been a better fit for you.”
At that, Jean turned silently to look at Armin once again, his face heavy with tragedy. “Not funny, Arlert,” he whispered, almost as if he didn’t want Armin to hear. But he did hear, and he knew Jean was right.
“I’m sorry,” Armin replied, moving to sit down next to Jean. The conversation from earlier hung heavy in the air between them, and Armin felt he had to address it. “Are you thinking about Marco?” he asked.
Jean nodded, not lifting his eyes from the still water in front of him. “It’s just a lot to learn. I’ve always wondered what exactly happened to him, but thinking about that moment- being betrayed by the people he thought were his friends- it’s just,”
With that, Jean started to cry, heavy tears drowning out the rest of his sentence.
“We haven’t even had a chance to talk this through,” Armin quoted, thinking about everything Annie and Reiner had told them. Tears began to form in his eyes too. “Even in a moment like that, he was still trying to resolve things.”
“And he never gets to know the truth.” Jean looked up at Armin, his eyes wide and vulnerable, making Armin’s heart skip a beat. “Do you ever think about how many soldiers were lost without ever knowing the truth.”
“Maybe it's for the best, that he never knew. The truth is awfully grim.”
Jean looked away from Armin once again, without responding.
“He died a hero, Jean,” Armin continued after a moment of silence. “He died a hero without the weight of the truth, and maybe that’s enough. I think he would be so proud if he saw you now.”
Jean started to cry harder for a moment, and Armin didn’t know what to do or how to react, so he just sat there with a hand on Jean’s shoulder until he started to pull himself together.
“I’m sorry, Armin. I’m so sorry,”
“What are you sorry for?”
“That you didn’t get to die a hero too.”
That was the moment Armin began to cry. How did Jean know what plagued his very existence? That he wished so deeply that Erwin was chosen over him, that he could be freed from this tortuous responsibility and his pitiful life. Armin cried so hard he couldn’t get a single word out, but Jean understood what he wanted to say. Jean always seemed to understand. The tall man pulled Armin into his arms, where the two of them sat for a while, the sound of tears muffled in the silence of the forest.
“Can I tell you a secret, Armin?” Jean asked after what seemed like a lifetime. Armin nodded from within his embrace, not willing to move from the comfort and safety.
“I think I was in love with Marco.”
“He’s a lucky one then.”
Armin pulled out of Jean’s embrace, heart racing, and simply looked at him for a moment. His eyes were still wet with tears, and his mouth was twisted into a subtle pout, pulling at Armin’s heart. There were so many things Armin wanted to say in that moment: all the things he thought about while falling asleep, while feeling particularly lonely. But the risk of ruining what he had left was too scary, so Armin just looked. He just looked at the barely crying man until he pieced together something to say, something to take his mind off these feelings.
“Have you made up your mind about helping us?” Armin asked, the words barely squeaking through his lips.
“I’ve been thinking about what Marco would do in this situa-”
“But what would you do?” Armin said, cutting him off. “Marco can’t make this decision for you, but I think he would want you to stay true to yourself, as true as you possibly can.”
“Then there’s not much of a decision to make, I guess,” Jean replied immediately, his gaze piercing through Armin. For a moment, Armin was terrified of what he meant. Terrified that he wouldn’t be able to betray Eldia, despite what it meant for humanity. “I could never abandon someone I care about so deeply. Marco would understand.”
Armin had no idea who he was referring to until his gaze softened, almost imperceptibly so, and he looked at Armin with such emotion and longing, the way Armin had been secretly looking at him for so long. Was it possible that Jean felt the same way, or was he completely misunderstanding the situation? Maybe Jean was referring to Mikasa, or Connie even, or anyone but him. There was no way Jean was talking about him.
“Stop thinking so much, Arlert. You might think you’ve been subtle, but your face gives everything away. I’m not leaving you. After what happened to Marco, I would never forgive myself if I left your side and you got hurt.”
“Jean,” Armin whispered, speechless.
“Just kiss me already you idiot. I know you want to.”
And Armin did. He sprang to his knees, fueled by years of secret feelings and stolen glances. Years of thinking he would never be enough. He laced his fingers through Jean’s long hair, like he had been imagining for so long, and kissed him. Jean’s lips were softer than they should have been, and the feeling of his large hands on Armins bare neck made him dizzy. This feeling was too good to be true, with the world falling apart around them. But for the first time since the wall fell, Armin felt safe and content. He felt loved, he felt protected, and he felt like he could face the chaos before him now, with Jean by his side. They kissed, tangled in each other's arms, for what felt like the blink of an eye and an eternity. All too short and all too powerful.
But it gave Armin the heart to get through another day.