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When Tubbo woke up, the first thing he registered was that he felt like crap.
He just felt heavy, like something was sitting on his chest and refusing to move.
(It felt almost exactly like he had in the days after he learned of Ranboo’s death, in those moments where he physically couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, almost couldn’t breathe because the grief wouldn’t let him.)
At first, he thought it was just going to be a bad day. He still had those, where he couldn’t even get out of bed because of the weight of Ranboo’s absence, the gaping hole he’d left in Tubbo’s life swallowing him whole. Usually he’d have barely enough of a break in his tears to send Tommy a quick message on his holopad, and they would go and sit in his–Ranboo’s– room together, Tommy silently crying, Tubbo wailing and sobbing into his pillow as the two of them held each other in a vice grip. This was their ‘system’ they’d made after Christmas. Just the two of them. United in grief.
But then he remembered what Niki had been saying.
“Kay, so we’ll have to orbit for a few days and make some little repairs to the engines,” Phil had said at their weekly meeting a few days ago, rubbing his forehead before sighing. “Anything else?”
“Apparently there’s a virus going around on the planet we were just at,” Niki had told them. “I’ll have to test everyone later, just to be safe.”
“What kind of virus?” Wilbur had said, hands interlaced thoughtfully beneath his chin. This was protocol whenever they went down to a planet and then received word of a contagion. One time, after a visit to a cave planet, Purpled had gotten sick. His only symptoms were dizziness and spending the entire day staring into space as he sat in the medbay, randomly shouting the word “bowls” even after he’d fallen asleep. He’d woken up the next day perfectly fine as well as utterly confused about why everyone was snickering when he got a bowl out for his cereal in the morning and Niki was following him like a menacing bee to a terrified flower.
“According to the reports from the colony we visited, it only seriously affects Shulkers.”
Tubbo and Lani froze, breaths hitching to a stop before they both slowly turned to meet the other’s scared eyes.
“How seriously, Niki?” Phil asked, eyes steeled.
“Seriously enough for us to be worried. Thirty-two shulkers down on the surface, in the past twelve hours our time, eight hours theirs, have reported pneumonia- and influenza-like symptoms, twenty six have been hospitalized, eighteen of those are in the midst of fever-induced delirium, and seven are in comas. A few other species have reported what is, to them, the Terran’s common cold, but none of them are affected as seriously.” Niki glanced up from her datapad. “Or so the reports say. They haven’t been updated in a few minutes.”
Nobody spoke.
“Is there any indication that we might have carried it to the colony?” Drista stuttered after a long moment of breathless silence.
“No, and that’s what I’m worried about. We’re probably all carrying it right now. However, it’s new, hasn’t matched anything in the database so far, and they haven’t isolated the virus’ sequence yet since it just popped up, so I can’t test for it. We’ll know in a few days, minimum.”
It had definitely been a few days.
And Tubbo was having trouble breathing, but he didn’t think it had anything to do with the gaping hole in his heart.
He barely managed to sit up, heart pounding and head spinning with every little movement.
He hadn’t gotten tested for the pathogen yet. None of them had.
Lani had taken to wearing a medical mask everywhere so she could still work in the medical bay.
He tried to stand up, but the room spun around him and his knees buckled, earning him a nice spot that would bruise on his chin. He had to contact Tommy, he thought as he started to cough, curling up in a ball as he hacked into his fist. There was mucus or something in his throat; he couldn’t breathe without wheezing like Dream did when he laughed.
Tommy or Phil or Niki or Wilbur or anybody.
Just not Lani. Please not Lani. She couldn’t get this.
A few agonizing minutes later, and someone knocked on his door.
“Tubso? You up, big man? It’s time for breakfast.”
Tommy.
Thank everything.
“Tom-my-” he croaked. “Get-get Niki…”
“Whazzat? Can’t hear you, bossman-”
Tubbo interrupted him with a cacophony of coughs and wheezes; his throat stung, his lungs were aching, he usually couldn’t feel them, but he could feel his lungs inside him, stuttering with every hack.
“Tubbo? Tubbo, I’m coming in!”
And then he must’ve blacked out momentarily, because he opened his eyes and he was facing upwards, blinded by the dim lights. Tommy was holding his head and shoulders, gripping so hard Tubbo could feel the pressures of his individual fingers.
Tommy’s breaths were shaking in his ears. From what Tubbo could see with the world spinning around him, his friend’s eyes were blown wide open, all either pupil and white and no grey-blue to be seen.
“Tubbo…”
With a jolt, Tubbo remembered how they’d found Purpled three years ago.
He couldn’t let that happen again, he had to let Tommy know this wasn’t his fault-
But all that came out of his mouth was a pained groan and the words “Get…N-Niki…” before his eyes rolled up in his head and he went limp in Tommy’s arms.
“I don’t know what happened, Niki, but he sounds like he’s fucking dying, and I-I don’t know what to do-”
“Tommy. Calm down, okay? I’m a medical officer, I know how to handle this. He’ll be okay.”
“He just-he looks too much like Purpled did and I-”
“We have top-of-the-line medicines and tools here. We’ll make sure he doesn’t get as bad as Purpled did, okay? I promise. Why don’t you call R…call Purpled and stay with him for a bit, okay? I’ll tell Phil where you are.”
“Niki, you can’t chase me away. I have a right to know what’s happening-”
“Tommy, this is a medical matter.”
“And he’s my friend. I’m not…”
“I know. I know, Tommy. I’ll message Purpled, he can pick you up.”
“Fine.”
“I can and will chase you out with a hypospray if you don’t leave.”
“I don’t fuckin’ doubt it.”
“Tub…an you hea…are you…tell me what’s…”
“TUBBO?!?”
Lani.
He forced his eyes open to the bright lights of the medical bay to see his little sister shakily looming over him, brown hair barely contained in a tangled low ponytail, blue medical mask glowing in the lights, eyes watery and frantic.
His eyes were already threatening to roll back into his head when he opened them. The world was still spinning like an oscillator. Everything felt too hot but too cold at the same time, somehow. He felt the hard plastic of an oxygen mask digging into the skin of his face, and the cold blasts of air inside the plastic shell strapped to his nose and mouth.
“...a’ni…?”
Tubbo’s hand was shaky as he dragged it upwards through the air and wrapped it limply on his sister’s head with a clunk and a smack before the ship’s gravity seized it again and it fell down, hanging limply off the side of the bed before Lani put it back.
“S’okay ‘ani…”
Huh. He had a pulse…pulse…a pulse whatsitcalled. Oxy…oximeter, yeah. He had a pulse oximeter clipped to his left middle finger. That must’ve hurt when he let his hand slam onto Lani’s head. He tried to wince in sympathy, but his mouth wouldn’t move. His breaths sounded strangled and wheezy even to him, like he was sucking in as much air as he could but it was entering through the smallest pipe on the ship.
“Is he awake, Lani?” Someone said on his other side. Thin, slightly webbed, chilled fingers brushed his hair from his forehead to press a cool, metal disc to it. Niki. “Tubbo, can you hear me? Try and move your right hand if you can hear me.”
Right hand… Tubbo scrunched his right hand into a fist as tightly–which wasn’t very tightly at all– as he could before loosening it again. It took too much energy to keep it that way, energy he didn’t have. It felt like it had all been sucked out of him, like when he was lying in his bed after…after Ranboo…
Ranboo.
Where was he?
Tubbo’s eyes began to well up with tears.
“No, no no no, Tubbo, don’t cry, it’s okay-” Lani managed to choke out before her voice broke, sounding like she was halfway to tears already. “It’s okay-” Her voice kept breaking as she used gloved hands to wipe the tears from Tubbo’s eyes. “I’m here…I’m here, don’t cry.”
“R…’anboo…where…” He had to be here, he couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t. Why wasn’t he here, at Tubbo’s side at this very moment? Where was he? Tubbo moved his head around as much as he could, head flopping around as he looked for the familiar tall blob of black and white, one that should be in his vision, why wasn’t it? His voice rose to a crescendo as he cried out again. “...’anboo?”
Lani’s voice caught in her throat as her hand froze on his face before being taken away in a rush. “Niki…Niki, I think he’s delirious, he-”
“I know, Lani. I heard.” Niki whispered. “I heard.”
There was a slight beeping noise, which stabbed into Tubbo’s head, it was too loud, and he cried out, squeezing his eyes shut as Niki gasped. “Lani, get the blood sample we took from him a few minutes ago.”
“Did they finally isolate the pathogen?”
“Yes. Bring it to me, quickly. I’ll be a few minutes.”
Tubbo tried to open his eyes again, he really did. But he just…couldn’t stay awake.
“Lani, I need you to go do a scrub-down. You can’t be helping here anymore.”
“What do you mean? We don’t have another assistant medical officer any-anymore, I have to be in here-”
“Lani, Tubbo has the pathogen. And until we can confirm that you don’t too, you can’t help.”
“He…he what?”
“Until he’s stabilized and until everyone on the L’Manberg has been tested, you have to quarantine. Here. You can’t be near him if you don’t have it.”
“O-oh…”
“I’m alerting Phil. Go disinfect, okay?”
“Mm…yeah…”
“Hey. We’ll take care of him, Lani. I promise.”
“You…*sniff*...you promise?”
“I promise.”
The next time Tubbo opened his eyes, he was somewhere else, or…at least he thought he was. He couldn’t see any details, only blobs of color. White, blue, red, yellow, tan. There was pressure on his hand, but it felt odd, plasticky.
…someone was holding his hand. That’s what that odd pressure was, it was fingers laced between his. He couldn’t place the plasticky texture, maybe it was some kind of glove? He didn’t know anybody whose hands felt like that. He needed to know, he had to be sure who it was. There was one person he knew it had to be, one person who he knew wouldn’t leave his side, even when he was like this. Especially when he was like this.
“...’anboo…?” His voice came out as a hoarse whine, and the hand in his tightened.
“Sorry, bossman. S’Just me.” a choked voice responded. “Just Tommy.”
“Tom…my…” He mumbled out before choking on air and starting to cough, except he couldn’t inhale, he couldn’t get air into his lungs, he couldn’t breathe -
Something was ripped off Tubbo’s face and shoved into his mouth, the taste of plastic and metal flooding his tongue. A voice told him to try and breathe and he did, greedily attempting to suck in air until the barrier in his throat broke and he could finally breathe. He gasped, choking and coughing until his lungs decided to stop spasming and he fell limply like a marionette cut from its strings back onto the soft surface he was on, devoid of any energy he might’ve had left. His eyes rolled back up in his head into their now-familiar position, and he sank back into darkness, his name echoing behind him as he fell.
“Niki, how’s he doing?”
“Honestly, Phil? Not good. His heart rate’s become too erratic; it’s too slow one second and too fast the next. He’s spent most of his time in here unconscious. He’s delirious, he-he keeps calling out for Ranboo. He has to be on oxygen almost all the time or else he doesn’t get enough, and he has coughing fits that only subside when I shove a rebreathing inhaler into his mouth. Lani doesn’t have it, but I’m forcing her to quarantine so she doesn’t get it. And the worst part is, there’s a death count down on the surface.”
“How many?”
“It’s in the fifties.”
“Fuck.”
“You said it.”
“Where’s Drista? I thought she was going to help you.”
“All due respect, but Captain, the only reason they’re working overtime in the colony is because there’s a lot of shulkers there. We only have Lani and Tubbo. Drista’s on the bridge with Dream right now.”
“Alright. Have you seen Tommy and Purpled today?”
“They’re working on the engines with Wilbur. Tommy was the one who found Tubbo and brought him in; he was nearly hysterical. Purpled came and picked him up and I sent them out to work on the engine. He came in about an hour ago, but left when Tubbo passed out again.”
“I’ll go and check up on them, yeah?”
“Good ide-”
“Niki? Niki, what’s wrong?”
“His heart rate’s plummeted. Check his blood oxygen level on the oximeter. What’s the percentage?”
“92.9 percent, still dropping.”
“Shit.”
“Niki, I don’t see him breathing.”
“Call Wilbur in here and get the defibrillator. Now.”
When Tubbo woke up again, he felt fine. He could breathe normally, his head was clear and everything wasn’t spinning like a satellite. He could see everything normally, in fact, maybe a little more than normally. The only thing that didn’t seem normal was his hearing. Everything was muffled; he could barely hear Niki, Wilbur and Phil hovering over him, eyes wide and frantic, talking rapidly about, from what he could hear, heart rates and blood oxygen levels and defibrillators. They didn’t react when he opened his eyes, which he thought was a bit odd, but maybe they just…weren’t looking at his face. That must’ve been it.
Tubbo sat up.
Ooh, maybe everything wasn’t fully fine. He felt kinda lightheaded. He brought a hand to his head, which no longer felt sweaty.
Niki, Phil and Wilbur, again, didn’t react.
Huh.
Weird.
“Hello? Niki, I’m okay now.” He waved his hand in front of her face, and she didn’t react at all, eyes staying wide as she frantically snatched up a rebreathing inhaler and plunged it through Tubbo’s chest to something beneath him.
What. The fuck.
“Niki, what are you doing ? I’m right here, I’m okay!”
“Wilbur, hit him with the defibrillator!” Niki yelled. It seemed like he could only hear every word she was saying because she was yelling. It felt like something was plugging his ears, almost, or maybe like someone was holding their hands over them.
Wilbur’s sweaty, determined face came into view as he took two paddles and pushed them down through Tubbo’s chest again to press them onto something. “Clear!”
“Ow!” Tubbo jumped, chest twitching, something inside him stuttering. He clutched at his chest, feeling something twitch rhythmically beneath his skin, and for a moment he thought the defibrillator had accidentally touched him because he hadn’t moved in time and shocked him as well as the person below him. Then he froze, realizing what that twitching in his chest was.
It was his heart, beating again.
He…he hadn’t noticed he didn’t have a heartbeat before. That…wasn’t good. He watched his hand shimmer and vanish from where it had been resting on his now-beating again heart, and Phil smiled from where he’d been standing anxiously behind Wilbur, breathing a sigh of relief as he used a gloved hand to reach out and touch something. A phantom breeze brushed some of Tubbo’s hair from his eyes as he sat, frozen and confused, still somehow unused to being able to feel his own heart beating.
“There we go, mate. You’re not getting away from us that easily.” he heard Phil faintly say.
“Phil, I don’t understand. What’s happening?” Tubbo stuttered as he turned his head towards Phil, who was helping Wilbur take the defibrillator paddles off of whatever–or he guessed he should say whoever –was beneath Tubbo.
“You’re dying,” a voice said, clearly, in front of him. “I didn’t expect to be able to see you again so soon.”
Tubbo turned, and his heart began to pound even louder in his ears.
No.
This wasn’t happening.
He was… no.
“You’re dead,” Tubbo breathed. “We held your funeral.”
Ranboo smiled sadly. “You did. And here I am.”
Tubbo slipped off the table in a trance, ignoring Phil, Wilbur and Niki behind him, ignoring the fact that his right hand was still missing and ending in a blurry stump, ignoring everything except the sight of Ranboo in front of him.
Ranboo stood there, in the middle of the medbay, away from the cots, arms down by his sides. He looked almost the same as he had when Tubbo saw him last, before their mission to investigate the sightings of who would end up being his murderer. His black-and-white hair was still mussed, his red-and-green eyes still caring. He looked exactly like when he would wake up Tubbo after he’d fallen asleep someplace random. There was one difference. Ranboo was still smiling softly, but his eyes were brimming with unshed tears.
“Don’t cry, Ranboo…” Tubbo whispered, voice cracking with his heart. “Please don’t cry.”
“Hypocrite,” Ranboo choked out, sputtering a little laugh. “You’re crying.”
“Yeah, s’cause you’re fucking dead!” Tubbo sobbed, vision blurring. He scrubbed at his eyes furiously with his fist, trying to keep them as clear as possible. He froze. “Are you a ghost or something?”
“Not…really? I haven’t come back to ‘haunt the L’manberg’ or something like that,” Ranboo chuckled wetly, making little quotation marks with his fingers before wiping at his eyes once more. “You’re just close enough to death that I can talk to you.”
“Wait, wait wait, so I’m actually dying?” Tubbo spread his arms out wide, splaying the fingers on his left hand. He could still feel the slight pressure of the pulse oximeter on his left middle finger, feel the faint yet familiar tug of an IV in his arm.
“Tubbo-”
“I’m actually-I can-”
Tubbo brought his left hand up to cover his face and he laughed.
Was he happy? Was he angry? Was he miserable?
Tubbo didn’t know.
All he knew was that Ranboo was still dead, and he was dying.
“Tubbo, Tubbo, look at me please-”
“No, Ranboo, you don’t understand, I can finally -”
“Tubbo.” One of Ranboo’s hands was on his shoulder. One bony, spindly finger went to his chin and tilted it upwards so Tubbo was forced to make eye contact with him. Ranboo’s eyes were overflowing, his bottom lip trembling as he spoke. “I think I’m one of the few people who were on this ship who does.”
Tubbo closed his eyes, his manic laughter gradually getting overshadowed with tears and shifting into gut-turning, heart-wrenching sobs. His legs gave out and he fell to the ground, curling down over his legs until his face was almost touching the floor as he cried, arms bent over the back of his head.
He whimpered when he felt Ranboo’s hands on his back, those familiar, lanky shapes that he hadn’t felt for so long.
“I’m here, I’m here, Tubbo, I’m sorry-”
“Why’d you leave?” Tubbo choked out.
“Wh-what?” Ranboo had the nerve to look confused, kneeling there in front of him.
Tubbo uncurled himself from his little ball and stared Ranboo dead in the eyes. “Why’d you LEAVE, Ranboo! You, you left, you left me, and-and…” he hiccuped, tears running into his mouth and making his tongue swim in the bitter taste of salt as he whimpered. “And I can’t do this without you…”
“Niki, look, he’s…he’s crying.” He heard Wilbur say behind him.
“He’s still completely unconscious,” Niki muttered. “Are you sure?”
“Definitely,” Wilbur replied.
“Tubbo…” Ranboo gently placed his hands on Tubbo’s face, using his thumbs to wipe away his tears, his own eyes dripping down his cheeks. “I’m so, so sorry I left you. But I don’t regret giving up my life.”
“Boo, what do you mean-”
“I couldn’t just sit there and let Techno die, Tubbo, I…” Ranboo sighed, taking one hand from Tubbo’s face to wipe at his own with a shaky, sharp inhale. “I just…” he shrugged. “Moved without thinking.”
“Ranboo, I had to hold your fucking funeral! Tommy and I had to write your eulogy, and you didn’t even get to have a Christmas with both Tommy and Purpled-” Tubbo sputtered.
“I know.” Ranboo tugged Tubbo into a hug as Tubbo gasped from the overwhelming sense of familiarity radiating from Ranboo’s gangly arms that fit around his back exactly how he remembered, both their backs shaking from how hard they were crying. “I know, and I am so, so sorry. That was never my intention. I never, ever wanted to leave you guys.”
Tubbo’s arms shot out and his left hand seized Ranboo’s shirt in a vice grip, fuzzy stump of a right hand looping around his neck so he could bury his face in his dead husband’s shirt. Fuck, he even smelled like he used to, a mixture of Enderian fruit, a faint tinge of sweat, and the detergent they used in the starship’s laundry. His tears started to come down with twice the ferocity before he managed to get a word out. Tommy had told them all what had happened when he, Techno and Ranboo had gotten captured by…by Chroma. “But you couldn’t let Techno die?”
“I couldn’t let Techno die.”
Tubbo scoffed, a sad smile on his face as tears continued to pour down it. “Y’know, we joke about Tommy being the one with the hero complex, not you.”
And Ranboo laughed.
Sure, it was a little choked because they were both bawling their eyes out, but he was laughing.
It was joyful and just as full of light and life as Tubbo remembered.
Tubbo missed that sound.
Beyond anything, it was one of the things he missed about Ranboo the most. How, despite everything he’d been through, he managed to bring that light and love of life with him wherever he went.
And fuck, did it make him miss Ranboo even more than he had already, if that was even galactically possible.
“Ranboo…why’d you have to die? We…we couldn’t even find your body…”
“I made you feel alone, didn’t I?” Ranboo muttered, his arms tightening around Tubbo as his voice became more choked. “I left you, and everyone, and I made you feel alone…”
Tubbo laid in his bed, the overwhelming nothing where Ranboo had been just a few days before stabbing into his heart, his arms, his brain, everything.
“It wasn’t your fault, he shot you, but…”
The agreement to what Ranboo had suggested went unspoken.
“You’re never alone, Tubbo, I didn’t want to make you feel like that-”
“It wasn’t your fault!” Tubbo sobbed.
His legs were going numb from kneeling on the floor for so long, but he didn’t care. Ranboo was finally here, Tubbo could finally see him again, but only because he was dying too.
“Tubbo, I want you to remember you’re never alone, okay? You’re never, ever alone in this universe. The universe says you are not alone, okay?” Ranboo’s grip on his shirt tightened. “The universe says so. I’m always in your memories, I’m always in your heart. I’ll always be here for you in spirit.”
“Ranboo, what are you saying-”
“Wait, he’s moving.” Phil said. “Niki, I think he might be starting to wake up a little.”
“Keep the oxygen on him, I’m coming over!”
Ranboo pulled away, holding Tubbo at arm’s length, tears still pouring down his face. “Tell Tommy I don’t blame him in the slightest, okay? I made my own choice, and he shouldn’t blame himself for what happened to me. Tell Purpled I miss him, and I wish he could have seen our performance, heh.” Ranboo swiped a wrist beneath his eye. “Give Lani and Drista a hug for me, okay? I don’t regret any of my time here on the L’manberg. I lived a good life, and I’m grateful for every second, even the bad stuff. I love you guys so much.”
Ranboo stood up, a little unsteady, and offered a hand out to Tubbo, which he took in a daze, relishing the familiar pressure of Ranboo’s hand in his.
“Ranboo.”
He pulled Tubbo upright and froze, looking out over to Niki, Wilbur and Phil as Tubbo stared right up at him, somehow not blinded by the bright yellow-white lights of the medbay. “Yeah?”
“Will I ever see you again?”
“You will.” Ranboo looked down at him. “And, and I say this in a very loving way ‘cuz I love you, you big idiot-” Tubbo snickered, wiping his eyes with his right arm. “I better not see you again for a long, long time, okay? You have so much life left to live.”
“So did you.”
“So do you, right now. So do you, and Tommy, and Purpled, and Lani and Drista and everyone here on the L’manberg. Don’t…please, please don’t waste it, okay?” Ranboo’s hand tightened on his.
Tubbo smiled sadly and nodded. He dragged Ranboo over to where Wilbur, Phil and Niki were hovering over…“Is that me?” he whispered breathlessly, freezing in his tracks when the realization hit. He started moving again, wandering aimlessly over, all the way to his bedside, and stopped short.
His body- that was so weird to think about - was draped in a white blanket on a medbay cot, head tilted slightly, lifelessly, to the side. He was shirtless, his cut-up shirt thrown onto the bedside table, and he could see a slight red mark up near the left side of his collarbone that he recognized as coming from the defibrillator. So he was who they used it on. Guess he really was dying. His brown fringe of bangs was soaked in sweat and laying limply, stuck to his forehead. His face was pale, clammy and half-covered in an oxygen mask, which was fogging up with his breath way too slowly than what Tubbo thought was normal. He had little white crusty lines–tear streaks, his body really had been crying–running down his face and neck. He had a temperature reader on his forehead, an IV in his left arm, sensors on either side of his neck to read his heartbeat, and the pulse oximeter was still clipped to his left middle finger, arms limp over the bedsheet.
“Damn,” Tubbo chuckled, eyes wide in shock. “I look like shit.”
Ranboo laughed, lanky hand still squeezing his own. “Yeah, yeah you kinda do.”
“I’ll have you know I actually look gorgeous, Boo.” Tubbo shot lightheartedly, moving his head towards Ranboo but unable to keep his eyes off of his own comatose body.
“Wouldn’t have married you if you didn’t.” Ranboo replied.
“Damn right, Ranboo.”
“I know, Tubbo.”
Tubbo sighed deeply and turned his head away from his husband, eyes starting to well yet again. “Ranboo…I don’t wanna say goodbye again.”
Ranboo squeezed his hand reassuringly as Tubbo glanced back up at his own unconscious body on the cot in front of them, resting his head on Ranboo’s shoulder. “Then don’t. I’ll see you again. It doesn’t have to be a goodbye, only a ‘see you later’.”
Tubbo used the stump of his right arm to stroke his body’s limp left one, attempting to straighten the wrinkled blanket beneath, but his fuzzy stump of an arm just…went through it. He suppressed a shudder. Weird. “One more thing.”
“What is it?”
Tubbo looked tearily back up at Ranboo. “Will I remember this?”
Ranboo’s mismatched, watery eyes met his. “Do you want to?”
Tubbo chuckled, wiping at his eyes with his right arm. “What kinda fucking question is that, bossman? Of course I do, I never…I don’t want to ever forget this.”
Ranboo gently tugged him into a hug, not even moving when Wilbur walked through them to place something on the table beside his cot. “Then you’ll remember every word.”
Tubbo looped his arms around Ranboo, burying his face into his husband’s shirt, taking one last deep breath of his familiar scent. “I’m gonna miss you so, so much, Ranboo.” He breathed out shakily, face buried in Ranboo’s chest, eyes widening when he realized he couldn’t hear Ranboo’s familiar heartbeat.
“Remember, the universe says you are not alone. Okay? You’re not alone. I’m always in your memories, I’m always there in spirit. Talk and I’ll listen, okay? I might not be able to come down like this, but I’ll be listening, I promise. Tommy and Purpled, Lani and Drista, everyone here, they’re all here for you. We have a family here, don’t forget it.” Ranboo said in reply, resting his chin on Tubbo’s head as they both sniffled. “You’re waking up now, you should lay back down.”
“No, I’m not-I can’t leave you.” Tubbo mumbled, tightening his one-handed vice grip on Ranboo.
“C’mon, Tubbo,” Ranboo said, eyes shining as he broke the hug, and in one swift motion, picking Tubbo up by his armpits and sitting him on the edge of the cot. Tubbo slowly swung his legs up onto it and laid back down with a swooping sensation in his head. Ranboo smiled and grasped Tubbo’s left hand in both of his mismatched, lanky ones. “Live a good life, okay?”
Tubbo sniffled. “Okay. I’ll see you later.” He could barely speak because of the trembling of his lower lip. He bit down on it as hard as he could, taking in a deep, shaky breath.
Ranboo leant over and hugged him one final time. “I love you, Tubbo.”
Tubbo hugged him back, squeezing his eyes shut to the familiar weight of Ranboo’s hugs as a few tears slipped from them. “Love you too, bossman.”
He heard a breaking voice hum to him softly, saying something he couldn’t quite make out, something about the universe and love. “And the universe said I love you because you are love,” he finally managed to make out, feeling a hand gently brushing through his hair as Ranboo repeated that over and over like a spoken lullaby until he peacefully fell asleep.
He hadn’t let go of the hug.
“Niki, his heart rate’s coming back to normal.”
“Phil, listen, he sounds like he’s about to cry again.”
“Aw, Tubbo, mate, no need to cry. It’s okay…”
“Hang on. Phil, check his blood oxygen levels again.”
“93.8%...now 93.9%...94.2%. Better than it was.”
“It’s climbing back to normal levels.”
“Wait, wait, he’s moving.”
“Tubbo? Mate, can you hear us?”
Tubbo groaned, turning his head away from the lights. It was too bright, too loud. His body ached all over, he felt hot. There were two spots on his chest that were stinging a bit, aching more than everything else. He hadn’t felt like this a few minutes ago when Ranboo-
He gasped, jumping a bit, and his eyes flew open, spitting out “Where’d he go?” before groaning again and covering his eyes with both of his hands(oh, it somehow felt weird to have a right hand again). The pulse oximeter was digging into his forehead. His throat ached, and he started to cough again. Niki gasped and muttered something about opening his mouth before moving his hands away and shoving something into it, nearly making him choke on the force of it.
“Just take deep breaths, mate, okay? We almost lost you there.” he heard Phil say warmly.
The taste of metal and plastic flooded his mouth as he attempted breathing once, twice, before air finally made it past whatever was in his throat and he breathed deeply, greedily in, relishing the feeling of air in his lungs. The metal thing was removed from his mouth, and Phil’s voice coached him through holding his breaths and releasing them until he could finally breathe normally.
Niki lifted up his head, re-strapping the oxygen mask to his face before laying it back down on the pillow again.
He felt so weak. He almost wanted to close his eyes again, but he forced them open. A slight memory poked at his brain, something with…“Wh…where’s ‘ani?” he mumbled.
“Lani?” Niki asked, waiting for a nod from Tubbo before continuing. “She’s quarantining right now. You have the pathogen from the planet. Do you remember talking about that?” Niki said, picking up a penlight and shining it into his right eye as he blinked and tried to shove it away but failed, barely able to move his arms up.
“Mhm…” he mumbled. “M’tired.”
He glanced up at Wilbur, who was standing behind Phil with an IV bag in his hands, trying to hide the fact that he was fidgeting with it. “Hi Wil’br.” he slurred, already falling back asleep.
“Hey, Tubbo,” Wilbur responded with an exhale. “How are you feeling?”
“Mm…tired. Where’s…” his voice died out as he remembered what had happened just a few minutes before.
Ranboo had left him…again.
He was gone.
He was still here, maybe, but that didn’t change the fact that he was gone.
The hole in Tubbo’s heart was by no means gone, but maybe, just maybe, it had started to heal a little bit. But that didn’t take away the fact that he’d had Ranboo back, for just a little bit, and it showed him how much he’d really missed his Enderian companion. Maybe the wound was starting to scab over, but that didn’t stop it from feeling like losing him all over again.
“Where’s who, mate?” Phil said gently, placing a gloved hand on his left one, squeezing it slightly.
Tubbo tried to ignore the tears building up in his eyes again as he looked over to meet Phil’s eyes. “T…Tommy? Where’ ‘e go?”
“Tommy is supposed to be working on the engine with Purpled,” Wilbur laughed humorlessly before he kept speaking. “But I’m fairly certain he followed me here. He’s probably right outside the door.”
“Wha’ hap’pn’d?” Tubbo mumbled again, fighting to keep his eyes open.
“Your heart stopped,” Wilbur deadpanned. Niki reached over an arm and swatted him, hard, not even looking up from her datapad. “What?”
“One, don’t scare my patient. Two, it is much more complicated than that. His blood oxygen levels dropped, then he stopped breathing unassisted, and then his heart stopped, but we restarted it.”
“I had the defibrillator!”
“Wil. Niki, I think he’s exhausted,” Phil muttered, bringing his hand up to Tubbo’s forehead and using a finger to gently move the hairs from his fluttering eyes. “Is he clear to go to sleep?”
“One of us should stay here just in case, but yes, he is.” Niki confirmed.
Phil kept stroking his hair, like Ranboo had. Tubbo closed his eyes, throat choking up and hurting even more than before in his attempt to stop himself from crying again. “It’s okay, mate, I know it’s scary, I know it hurts,” Phil shushed quietly. “You can cry, mate. You’ll be alright.”
Oh, if only he knew.
“I’m always in your memories, I’m always there in spirit,” Ranboo had said. “Talk and I’ll listen, okay?”
Tubbo assumed that statement meant he could cry, too.
He could cry, and Ranboo would be there, not physically, but in essence. He’d never really leave Tubbo.
So Tubbo opened his swimming eyes to meet Phil’s and mumbled “I miss him,” before bursting into tears. Again.
Hopefully, they would think he was just talking about Tommy in his feverish ramblings.
Or maybe they wouldn’t.
He didn’t really think it mattered to him anymore.
Phil bent over and gave him a hug, the feeling of fatherly pressure where Ranboo’s pressure had been just a few minutes before somehow feeling…off.
“It’s okay, mate. I know.”
Tubbo’s tears soon evaporated, and his consciousness faded again.
“Wil? How is he?”
“Tommy! Don’t scare me like that, you gremlin.”
“I don’t have time for jokes, Wil. Is Tubbo okay?”
“Tubbo’s fine now. He woke up for a bit, and then fell asleep again. He was asking for you before he fell asleep.”
“Okay. You fuckin’- you fuckin’ scared me, Wil, when you ran out of the engine room like that.”
“I’m sorry, Toms. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I know. Am I allowed to go in ‘n see him yet?”
“Niki says not yet.”
“Niki also knows that will not stop me.”
“Niki also threatened to chase you out with a-”
“I know.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Lani, you can stop quarantining now. It’s safe for you to stop, he’s not contagious anymore.”
“Really? So I can see him?”
“Yes, just be careful. We’ve had…a few scares, but he’s out of severe danger now.”
“What do you mean, a few scares?”
“He’s been asking for you.”
“Niki, you didn’t answer my question.”
“I know.” *sigh* “You can go see him now, Lani.”
“Tubbo? Can you hear me?”
A familiar voice cut through Tubbo’s head, and he groaned. He hadn’t been able to sleep much for the past few nights because of his head, which had recently been feeling like someone had taken some power tools and bashed him over the head with them. Niki had assured him that, according to reports from the planet's surface, this was a part of recovery.
Hooray.
“Tubbo, please say you can hear me,” the voice whispered.
Lani.
“L…ani? S’at you?” he mumbled, muffled by the fact that his face was still burrowed in the too-firm pillows of the medbay.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s me, are you okay? How are you doing? Niki told me you had ‘a few scares’ but she didn’t elaborate, are you sure you’re-”
“Lani, m’okay.” Tubbo groaned before pushing himself up from the pillows and struggling to flip himself over. Lani rushed over, but his eyes widened and he flinched when she reached out to help him. “No, don’ touch, m’still sick!”
“Niki said you weren’t contagious anymore-”
“An’ I still almost died!” Tubbo said with a shaky breath, glancing up at his sister.
The siblings froze.
Tubbo managed to flip himself over, landing on his back with a huff before he looked back up at Lani, whose eyes were wide open. “You…wh-what?”
“My heart stopped an’ I…” he inhaled shakily, willing himself not to cry because it’d make his throat hurt worse, and he’d cried a lot more than usual a few days ago. He put his hands over his eyes to try and stop the tears from spilling. “I saw him.” He whispered, finally admitting to what he’d seen. “Lani, I don’ want you to die too,” he choked out. “He tol’ me…to give you n’ Drista a hug…an’ that you- we all have so much left to live for, an’ he doesn’t wanna see us for a long time.”
“Tubbo, I…”
Tubbo let out a breathy sob as something in his mind said this is the worst she’s seen you since Ranboo died, right? You’re supposed to protect her, not make her worry. “Dammit, I jus’ wanna give you a hug.”
“If I…put-put on gloves…” Lani said between odd gasps of air. “Would that make…make you feel better?”
She didn’t wait for his answer before rushing to put on a pair of medical gloves and all but collapsing on top of him, sobbing into his shoulder and gripping the back of his medical tunic and the back of his head; he could tell she was being careful not to pull on any of his greasy hair. Tubbo didn’t hesitate to squeeze his sister back as hard as his mostly limp arms would allow him, relishing in the fact that he still could.
“I don’t want…I don’t wanna lose anyone else,” Lani sobbed into Tubbo’s shoulder. “I don’t wanna lose you!”
Tubbo simply scrabbled for a hold on his sister’s jacket and held on, letting the tears silently drip from his eyes. He was glad he didn’t have to have the oxygen mask on all the time anymore. Tubbo chuckled, eyes still closed. “I’m sorry I hit you with the pulse oximeter. I didn’ mean to.”
Lani, though she was still crying, laughed, and something warm and happy bloomed in Tubbo’s chest. “You bruised my head when you slammed it down.”
“Wai’ really?” Tubbo’s eyes widened as he brought his left hand up to move Lani’s hair aside, cringing when he saw the faint, black-and-purple bruise almost hidden in her hairline. “Lani, ‘m so sorry. I didn’ mean it-”
“I know,” Lani giggled, interrupting Tubbo as he attempted to pat her hair back down after rifling through it to look for the bruise. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Me too-” Tubbo’s throat closed in and he started to cough, Lani shooting away from him as soon as he did with her hands held up in a position reminiscent of someone surrendering. “Get-get the-rebreath-” Tubbo choked between coughs before he couldn’t talk anymore, could barely even breathe. Lani’s still-teary eyes widened and she nodded, picking up a rebreathing inhaler and fitting it gently into Tubbo’s mouth, telling him to take deep breaths as much as he could. He coughed a few more times and breathed as deeply as he could until his lungs could fill all the way again.
He finally fell back onto the pillow, wheezing a little every time he sucked in a breath, feeling lightheaded as he closed his eyes and heard the clunk of the rebreathing inhaler being dropped on a bedside table. “Mmm..hate this.” He mumbled, trying to stay awake.
He could hear Lani yanking her gloves off and swearing under her breath as she opened cabinet doors, probably looking for another pair. “I know…well, I don’t know know, but I know being sick sucks. But from what I’ve heard from Niki, you’re getting better.”
“Good. ‘M f’ckin’ tired.”
“Is there anything else you need?” She’s in medic mode now, Tubbo thought, frowning a little.
“Tell…tell Tommy-” Tubbo cut himself off with a yawn. “Tell’m I need’a talk to ‘im.”
“Will do,” Lani said. He could tell she was smiling. A gloved hand rested itself on his forehead as he drifted off. “...just please wake up again.”
“Hey, Tommy.”
“Lani! Niki let you out?”
“You say that like she imprisoned me or something.”
“Well, I mean…she kinda did.”
“Shut up. I just talked to Tubbo.”
“How is he?”
“He’s okay now, I think. He’s still having trouble breathing, but he hasn’t died.”
“Lani, what the fuck. Why would you say that?”
“He told me…he-he said…he said his heart stopped.”
…
“Tommy?”
“I’m going to fucking kill him-”
“He said he wanted to talk to you.”
“Tubbo?” That was Tommy. Tommy probably wanted to talk to him. But Tubbo was tired.
“...no, not right now, m’sleepin’.” Tubbo curled up into a ball, keeping his eyes shut as he brought his blanket around his shoulder.
“No, not anymore.” And then his blanket was gone. WHYYY. “Wake up, motherfucker. You said you wanted to talk to me?”
“Gimme my blanket baaaaaack,” Tubbo whined, curling up even further into a ball. “Then maybe.”
“Tubbo, wake up, I’m serious.”
“Me too…gimme it back.”
Tommy sighed. “You said you wanted to talk, man, I’m here to talk, not watch you sleep. That’s all you’ve been doing for the past few days, and…and it’s honestly fuckin’ scaring me a bit.”
Every trace of wanting to sleep melted from Tubbo’s mind as he froze, sat up and sighed before rubbing at his eyes. “But c’n I have m’ blanket back first? ‘S cold.”
Tommy grinned, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes the way Tubbo was used to, and tossed the blanket in the air with an expert hand, making it land squarely on Tubbo’s head. “There you go.”
“Gee, thanks,” Tubbo grumbled, fumbling beneath the blanket until his head poked out the top and blinking a little as his eyes got re-used to the bright medbay lights. “You wanted to talk?”
“Bitch, you’re the one who asked me.”
Tubbo froze, his semi-silly, sleepy mood melting away when he remembered what he’d wanted to tell Tommy. He sighed, chewing on his bottom lip in an effort to distract himself from wanting to cry again. “Promise y’ won’t think ’m crazy.”
“I started thinking that from the moment we first met,” Tommy scoffed. “Bit too late for that.”
Tubbo made a face, pushing out his lower lip and making a deadpan expression. “I’m actually serious, Tommy. Jus’…hear me out.”
Tommy sighed and leaned back against Tubbo’s cot before putting his arms on it and hoisting himself up. “Fine.”
“I saw Ranboo.”
Tommy’s semi-disbelieving, curious face froze rock solid.
Tubbo didn’t think he was even breathing until he finally spoke.
“You’re lying.”
His eyes were steelier than metal, steelier than lead bullets with a voice to match.
“I swear I’m not-”
“Tubbo, you think this is fucking funny ?” Tommy spat, looking about ready to explode in anger or into tears, Tubbo couldn’t tell which. “Ranboo is dead. He was shot, he was fucking murdered. I fucking watched it happen. He. Is. Dead. Get that into your fucking head- ”
“I know !” Tubbo thundered.
And for a moment, neither of them spoke, both of them breathing hard with the effort of their outbursts. Tubbo’s lungs and throat were aching from those two words.
“I know, Tommy,” he finally whispered, heaving for breaths. “I know he’s dead. I know he’s dead, and I’m-and we’re not, and I would not do somethin’ tha’ fucked up jus’ to screw with you, man.”
Tommy’s hands were shaking in the fists he’d clenched them into. His lip was trembling, and he frantically bit down on it with enough force and ferocity Tubbo was surprised he didn’t pierce it with his teeth. Then, Tubbo started to cough again, snatching at his bedside table for the inhaler Niki had (forcefully) told him to use. It was shoved into his hand and he put it in his mouth, taking a deep breath and sighing when he could breathe again.
Tommy and Tubbo locked eyes.
And Tubbo told him everything.
Every thought he’d had, everything Niki and Wilbur and Phil had said, everything that Ranboo had done and said.
Everything.
Word for word.
Tommy teared up at points and outwardly sobbed at others. But he didn’t speak until the middle of his story.
“And he told me that the universe says I’m not alone-”
“What?”
“That’s what he said! He said ‘You’re never, ever alone in this universe. The universe says you are not alone, okay? The universe says so.’ That’s what he said. Word for word.”
Tommy’s already naturally dilated eyes were blown the widest he’d ever seen them. He was shaking a little, and drew in a wobbly breath before looking up at Tubbo. “He never told you about the poem, right?”
Tubbo blinked. “What poem?”
Tommy scoffed out a choked laugh, tears beginning to stream down his face. “There was a…a poem we would recite in the caves. All of us. We each had a part.” He started to laugh and sob at the same time, closing his eyes. “Fucker stole my line.”
Tubbo’s eyes swam as he looked at Tommy, who was smiling sadly through the river of tears on his face. He waited until Tommy got his breathing under control(which, provided certain past scares, he wanted to give him all the time he needed), until Tommy looked up at him, eyes refilled with a little bit of the flame that had started off low then gradually extinguished.
“Tubs,” Tommy mumbled. “Tubs, it was really him.”
It was really him.
That meant a lot of things in four words.
It meant that Tommy had doubted. It meant that he thought Tubbo’d had a near-death hallucination of sorts.
And it meant that now he believed.
And Ranboo really had, for a few minutes anyway, come back to them.
Tubbo snaked his hand over to Tommy’s, gripping it as strongly as he could as the two of them stared at each other. Just the two of them. United in grief. United in gratefulness. United in love for their friend, who had defied the boundaries of death to touch their lives once more, to show the both of them just how much he loved them.
“Tell me more.” Tommy finally choked out. “Tell me everything.”
And Tubbo did.
How Ranboo felt guilty about leaving, but had urged him that the universe itself said he wasn’t alone. How Ranboo didn’t blame Tommy, how he’d made his own choice(Tubbo’d had to begin to physically hold Tommy as he sobbed at that one). How Ranboo was grateful for the life he’d gotten to have. How Ranboo loved them, each and every one of them. How Ranboo had promised that they would all see each other again, but he better not see them for a long, long time, and they shouldn’t waste the time they had left with each other. How the two of them had turned to see Tubbo’s comatose body. How Ranboo had said that they didn’t have to say goodbye, only ‘see you later’.
How Tubbo would remember every word.
How Ranboo would listen to him, to them, no matter what.
How Ranboo’s second-to-last words to him had been ‘I love you, Tubbo.’
How the universe said I love you, because you are love.
Tommy had spluttered a chuckle. “That one was his line. He always ended the poem.”
And the two of them held each other as they cried, tears streaming silently down Tubbo’s face, Tommy sobbing loudly, smiles and sadness swirled on both of their faces.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the weeks that followed, Tubbo healed. His lung capacity, which was already stunted because of his being a Shulker, never really went back to what it had been. A rebreathing inhaler went into his fourth-dimensional pocket, just for emergencies.
Purpled cried when Tommy and Tubbo told him about Ranboo’s visit, and his message. “I wish I could've seen it too,” he choked. “Stupid head cold.”
They all laughed at that one.
He gave Lani and Drista their hugs, both of them looking a little confused when he told them who they were from. They both teared up on his shoulder, squeezing him a little harder.
Tubbo went back to his job.
He still had bad days, days where he messaged Tommy and they held each other in Ranboo’s room. Purpled joined them sometimes. Sometimes it was Lani, or Drista. Sometimes all five of them would curl up on Ranboo’s bed.
He still had a hole in his heart that Chroma had shot through with that gun.
But he had more good days.
His first night out of medbay, he’d smiled up at his ceiling, knowing that somewhere, on a different plane of existence that even he, a Shulker, couldn’t quite reach right now…
Ranboo was smiling back.
Ranboo smiled back.
Tubbo was staring straight at him, though he knew the Shulker couldn’t see him. Wearing a smile that was a little sadder than he’d have liked to see, but it was a real smile nonetheless.
Snifferish curled a green wing around him, grinning at him.
He could hear Grian, Alyssa and Foolish laughing behind him. There were two people there they hadn’t known, Tommy’s father and aunt. The seven of them there all got along swimmingly.
Ranboo hardly moved from his little window, though.
“You gonna wait here and watch them like an old movie the whole time?”
Ranboo looked up at her, meeting her eyes.
“Yeah. I’m not moving anytime soon.”