Archive of Our Own

“D-dad?” The voice cracks as it calls out again. Who the hell was that? Water dripped into his eyes as he surveyed the boy, he was too tall to be his son. His voice just a little too deep, where had his skinny wrists gone? The hand keeping him from floating away must have belonged to yet another phantom, a fragment of a memory, just another fucking ghost. There was no way his son would have grown so much without him there to see it. He stumbled as Ash slammed into him, his arms crushing what breath he did have out of his chest. He could feel him sobbing, could hear the gasping rejoices that he was home, but he couldn’t fucking breathe. If that was his son wrapped around him crying into his chest, Ash was going to kill him. Still better than a Draconia bullet or Kingscholar garroting wire, he supposed.  

“Ash… Ash I can’t breathe…” He finally croaked out, his body too weak to fight. He hoped it would last long enough to see Mido. And Yoru. Ash was here but he wasn’t home yet. Soon. Soon he could rest. Ash was babbling but he couldn’t make out the words, it was worse than that time Jade had broken the volume dial on their mother’s antique TV. Words were spoken, but it was so fucking loud that it just blended together into one big cacophony that you had to hope you’d catch a word from. 

“Mom and Mido are gonna shit” 

Floyd can’t help but chuckle, even though he knows laughing will probably pull apart all the grime and dirt and dirty stitches holding him together. He can feel himself starting to bleed again, he never did get in to see a doctor like Vita had told him to. They probably would have kept him there anyway then turned him over to the cops, probably sent him right back to Japan. It was better this way. 

“Language” He tries to grin and has to sit down on the side of the fountain to steady himself. He still hadn’t caught his breath. Once, when Ash and Mido were little and still weary of him and Yoru, Floyd had told Ash that he didn’t know how to hug for shit. That you had had to put feelings into hugs or they didn’t matter, and that they should matter or the whole thing was a waste of time. He didn’t believe it for a second but thought it might help the kids get more comfortable in their new home, he suspected there hadn’t been a lot of comfort at theirs with their parents. Even if it was a lie, it was still nice when Ash and Mido would try their hardest to squeeze the life out of him, noodle arms be damned. Ash must have been practicing because fuck if he didn’t feel like he was going to die all over again in this damned public fountain. 

“Haha, whatever dad. I’m just glad you’re here. Can you walk? Let's go home” His smile was brighter than the sun, he thought he was going to go blind from looking at it. Floyd reached for his hand, it was his turn to stop him floating away with the rest of the festival lanterns. He couldn’t disappear now. Not when he was so close. Not yet. The yellow plastic of the long since wilted flowers crinkled in his other hand. 

They barely got out of the park before Floyd collapsed again, taking refuge on a nearby bench to stop himself from hitting the ground. He’d had enough of that. Ash was talking again but that damn volume knob wouldn’t stop spinning, his voice fading in and out like it was some fucking modern art piece at a shitty art gallery that claimed to be high end but no one really understood what the point of it was. 

“Wait here a sec, don’t move.” Like he could. Floyd clutched his hand to his chest, maybe that would stop the air escaping so quickly. He saw Ash making a call, pacing around in front of him. He had gotten so big. The sight of him faded in and out like his voice, just a phantom afterall. He could feel the shore pulling at his feet as his head swam, the ghost of his son flitting in and out of his vision. It was a nice dream he was having, but fuck if he didn’t wish Yoru and Mido were there too. That would have been a nice send off. They could have had a nice picnic on the beach one last time, built castles that would be washed away when the tide came in and complained about the sand in their sandwiches. It was too much to ask, he guessed. One out of three wasn’t bad, not when you’re floating in a foriegn fucking country just looking for the only anchor you know. Jade would probably scold him for making him wait again, he was always doing that. Said the Rolex he was wearing was for more than decoration, but who even gives a fuck about the time when you’re having fun?

“Dad, ride’s here. Come on.” He’s jolted away from the sea, away from Jade and his Old Man, still feeling the grit of the sand between his toes. 

Ash helped him into the back of the ugliest car he’d ever seen and told him as much. The driver chuckled and started a spiel about why the car was neon green and Ash rolled his eyes, clearly having heard the speech before. 

“Liar, I saw pictures of your old car, dad, that thing was hideous!” Ash helped him with his seatbelt, settling in beside him. Floyd’s hand searched out for that of his sons and gripped it as tight as he could, though it wasn’t very tight at all. Floyd slumped in his seat, the hand across his chest doing its job holding all his oxygen in. Ash was right. His first car had been fucking ugly, but it was still a lot nicer than this lime green abortion of a taxi cab. At least his car had had chrome. 

“Why’s it so fucking hot in here?” Floyd groaned. He could feel himself sweating, he was sure he’d leave streaks where his knees met the back of the seat in front of him and where his head met the back window. Why were cars here so fucking tiny? He hated to even think it, but fuck if it would be good to be in a mini-van right now. The same kind he and Yoru always used to make fun of whenever they’d pass them on the highway in his BMW when they’d drive up and down the country because there was nothing better to do. A fucking mom van would probably feel really fucking good right now with it’s high roof and wide chairs. Plenty of legroom. 

“Uhhh, you sure you’re okay kid? Not going to lie, this looks really suspicious…” The cab driver's eyes locked with Ash’s through the rearview mirror, Floyd melting into the back seat, his head lolling. “This isn’t one of them… you know… situations is it?” He glanced at their hands entwined between them. “I think he’s out, do you need me to bring you to the cops or anything?” 

Ash shook his head. He knew how it looked, what everyone probably thought when he led his dad, broken and bruised into the back of the car. They didn’t know it was his dad. They couldn’t know that he’d prayed to whatever god that would listen to bring his dad home. They didn’t care that when he did get home he looked like complete shit and barely looked like the same person anymore. They didn’t care who he was, just that he was much too old and much too broken for this teenage boy. But he cared. His dad was home. After two years his dad was finally fucking home. 

“It’s okay, he’s my dad. I promise. You can even call the cops to the house after you leave, I don’t care. I just need to get him home” He heard his voice crack again and his eyes stung all while he cursed his stupid tearducts for being so lame. His old man wouldn’t have cried. He would have told the cab driver to mind his business and keep on driving, but his old man was unconscious next to him, his chest barely rising with each ragged breath. Ash frowned, taking in the sight of his father. He looked ghoulish, like a strong gust of wind would be the end of him. He’d hold his breath in that case, only breathe slowly so he didn’t cause him to fall apart. 

“Please, I just gotta get my dad home…” The driver nodded, and questioned them no more. 

****

“Dad, dad wake up, we’re here. We’re home”. 

Home...That seemed almost too good to be true, but Ash’s hand was still clamped onto his, though he was crying. Why was he crying? Floyd wanted to threaten the driver, figure out what he’d done to his son to make him cry but couldn’t find the strength in himself to speak. Especially not after the man had to help get him out of the back of his car and upright.  Fuck it was boiling today. His body was really conspiring against him lately. It recognized Ash, too tall, too broad, with a voice that was too deep and decided that was good enough. He didn’t need it anymore, he was home. The demons he’d asked so kindly to let him rest had come back for their feast, they’d granted their end of the bargain. They let him arrive home, good enough. 

He sucked in a cold breath when Ash pulled his arm around his shoulders to help him inside. That hole in his lung was really trying its best to kill him. For a reason he couldn’t possibly understand, there were stairs leading up to the front door. So many fucking stairs. He’d have to ask Yoru why she decided to live halfway to heaven and didn’t think to get an escalator at least. The house was dark when they finally got inside, the light blinding him when Ash clicked the switch while muttering about how Mido sure was taking her time. 

“I called Mido and Mom before we got in the cab, I thought they’d be home by now…Do you want to shower or something? You kinda stink…” Ash grinned at Floyd leaning against the wall for balance, a matching grin creeping up his own face. 

“Later, for now… I just need… to rest” He couldn’t tell Ash that a shower would wash away the grime holding him together and he’d be nothing more than a pile of bones and flesh circling the drain by the end of it. He didn’t need to know. Floyd was just glad he was wearing a black shirt, Ash wouldn’t notice that all the blood on it wasn’t dry even though it had been weeks since the accident. The toll would always be paid in blood, and he still had blood to give. He wished the fucking fiends would at least wait until he saw his wife and daughter before they claimed him. He made it this far, it would be cruel to steal him away now. 

“We got one just like the one we used to have back home, mom got the one with the massage function though. She said it was a necessary upgrade” Ash led him to the recliner in their living room, as promised it looked identical to the one they used to have in the apartment in Tokyo. He would lean back on it to watch whatever movie the kids wanted to put on, always trying to stop them jumping on him and knocking it backwards whenever something popped out and scared them. He thinks that maybe they enjoyed bowling him over in his chair more than the movies themselves, the way they’d laugh until they cried afterwards. 

“Can you stay with me? I wanna make sure I don’t get pulled to sea…” He sunk into the chair and held his hand out for Ash to grab once more. His grip was firm, he’d make one hell of a man. Floyd hoped he’d be around to see it. 

“Dad?” Floyd could hear his voice tremble, he was sure if he looked he’d see the tears streaming down his face. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Fuck. He told himself he’d never make his kids cry. Maybe he was a shit dad after all. 

“It’s okay… I’m just so tired…” He wasn’t completely lying. It had been weeks… no… years since he’d slept soundly. Ever since the day he’d sent Yoru and the kids away he couldn’t get more than a few hours, the nightmares had started well before the carnage. Asleep his family was dead, their body parts mailed to him in boxes postmarked from New Zealand, however the hell those fucking Kingscholars or Draconia or even those fucking Asim knew that. He didn’t even want to know where she was taking them, he told her he’d find them no matter what. It was the last thing she said to him before she disappeared into the night with their children. 

We’ll be in Wellington. We love you, and we’ll be waiting. See you soon. 

He cursed her for telling him, he was the liability now. The Draconia would stop at nothing to stamp out an entire bloodline, they didn’t care that the kids were adopted. The entire family tree would be burnt to the ground, they were so fucking fond of fire, the Draconia. Still, it was the reason he found them at all. The reason he knew what plane he needed to get on, the reason he’d been able to keep going. The country wasn’t so big he couldn’t find them if he looked hard enough. Hell, he could probably just yell loud enough and at the very least Mido would respond, the set of lungs on her. He almost wished he could borrow them now, she probably didn’t have any trouble breathing whatsoever, that would be a nice change. He thought he could hear her calling from the beach, shouting at Ash for kicking over her sand castle again, or whatever it was he was doing now to torment her like all big brothers do. The shells at his feet were green and pink, he should probably bring one back to shore with him. Tell Mido they’ll remake her castle or whatever the hell it was, and stick the fancy shell right in the top. She’d like that, so long as the waves at his feet didn’t wash her castle away with him. 

“MIDO! MIDO STOP! HE’LL DIE!”

Her running footsteps were heavy on the hardwood, he knew he was about to be bowled over just like normal, they’d roll off the back of the chair laughing, and Mido would hide behind him because the stupid clown on the TV came out of a refridgerator and was too big and she didn’t like it at all. Except if he hit the ground again this time he doubted he would stand again, he wouldn’t have the air to laugh, nor the strength to protect her from any real or imagined dangers. God, he really was pathetic now wasn’t he?

“SHUT UP ASH, DADS HO…”

Her voice died in her throat when he saw him, Ash hadn’t been lying. He was a whisper away from death, and could barely lift his arm to reach for her. He was surprised to see he wasn’t holding a shell, he could have sworn he grabbed it. A big green one, the size of his palm. It was going to go on the top of her castle but he seemed to have dropped it. She grabbed his outstretched hand and squeezed, she didn’t care he hadn’t brought her shells. She hadn’t been expecting one, anyway, she couldn’t see them like he could. 

“Mido, can you help me with the chair? I can’t release it…” He sighed, quiet as a balloon losing air as he struggled with the lever. He nearly fell forwards when the leg rest went down, the hold on the recline sending him toppling into Mido. She steadied him, clinging to him just as tightly as Ash had in the park. Like her brother, Floyd could feel her crying into his chest as she babbled, he hoped that he’d one day learn what they had said. He hoped he’d hear everything else they had to say, until the end of time. But she was squeezing the air out of him like Ash did, and he didn’t have the breath to tell her to stop. 

“MIDO DON’T CLING TO HIM LIKE THAT HE CAN BARELY BREATHE!”

“SHUT UP ASH IF I WANNA HUG MY DAD I’M GOING TO HUG MY DAD, PISS OFF!”

“NO, STUPID, HE LITERALLY CAN’T BREATHE!”

“BUT IT’S FINE IF YOU DO IT RIGHT? HOW COME I DON’T GET TO HUG HIM TOO?”

“Mido…” 

“Hmmmm?” Her eyes were round as the moon when she pulled away to look at him. She looked like one of those Sanrios she loved so much, maybe that blue one with the red nose. She always seemed to like that one. 

“I can’t breathe… good…sorry…” He was gasping again. There was pressure building in his chest and he wasn’t sure it was the keeps-you-alive kind. He knew that weight. It was the weight of the sea, the weight of shells, and the weight of his twin brother going on ahead and waiting for him in the depths. Maybe he wasn’t so far behind afterall. Jade would probably laugh and tell him it was about time he’d lost a race, he’d tell him it was good for his ego or something. Jade always said shit like that, it was infuriating. Two of three anchors. That had to be a record, but he was a greedy man. Always had been. He’d always wanted more- more of whatever he could get his greedy hands on. And it was a lot. He’d had so much. Still, it wasn’t enough.

“Where’s mom?”

“I don’t know, she didn’t answer her phone”

“Well did you leave a message and tell her dads back? She’s gonna lose it!”

Ash shook his head.

“I didn’t want her to get all worked up and crash the car on the way home…” 

Just what this family needed. Another fucking car crash. Memories of his own exploded in his head, the sounds before everything went silent, the glass as it ripped across their faces, the bloody heaps they’d been left in while the air burned around them. Floyd opened his eyes and he’s still in his living room, Mido still holding him upright arguing with Ash about whatever it was kids argued about these days. He wondered if it would matter if he didn’t listen, surely they would be okay if he went back to sleep. He was so fucking tired. Floyd was drifting out to sea again in Midos arms when he heard a door slam somewhere off in the distance, there must have been a beach hut somewhere he couldn’t see. When he opened his eyes the sea was gone again, that’s right, he was home. He wasn’t at the beach at all. He had to keep reminding himself or the waves would wash him away before he realized. 

“I got off work early so I picked up dinner! Hope you don’t mind I got Italian again, I was just really in the mood-” 

There it was again, that green flash on the horizon that Jade pointed out to him that time in Hawaii. An image so beautiful and fleeting that he wasn’t sure if it had even been real, surely the atmosphere couldn’t be making a prism in their living room, or whatever the fuck else Jade had said it was. But he could still see it, see her, standing across the room from him, dinner dropped in a heap at her feet as the waves splashed around his. Green hair as bright as the sun was that day it flashed before his eyes and went out. How many times had he seen it now? The waves rocked him off his feet and he stumbled, he could feel the shells crunching under his toes even though he meant to grab them for Mido. He heard Jade laugh in the distance telling him he didn’t want to wait any longer and to wrap it up, their father was an impatient man. He had appointments to keep and Floyd was going to make them late, again. 

“Welcome home” he rasped, trying to spit the salt water out of his mouth as Yoru stood rooted to the shore. Did she not see the waves that threatened to overtake him? Did she not see the tidal wave rushing along behind him, hungry for flesh? The waves slammed into him and he knew he was dead, anchors away, the storm was too strong for the meager holds on a ship that was already sinking. He made it though, he beat the demons. He had made it home, even if they did get him in the end, that had to count for something. He’d wait for Yoru in their little pocket of hell he’d carve out for them and tell her everything once he could find it in him to spit out the sea water that had been boiling in his mouth. 

“Took you long enough” She purred into his chest as he collapsed into her. Despite the storm, he wasn’t sinking afterall. Her roots had stretched from the shore to the sea and wrapped around him so softly he hadn’t even felt them pull him to safety. Her hands were gentle on his back, she knew by his rasping breaths that he wasn’t well. She knew and held on so tenderly he could barely feel her. Perhaps this was a hallucination after all, his family of ghosts. 

“Sorry… it took me so long…” 

She shook her head against his chest, her hands gentle as she caressed his wounds. She knew the sound of a punctured lung and wasn’t surprised when her fingers came back slick with blood. She hoped the kids hadn’t noticed anything strange with him, she was glad for his black shirt- they probably hadn’t noticed a thing. 

“You need to go to the hospital.” 

“Not yet…” Floyd met her gaze, he knew she understood his silent question. Just a little longer, please, I don’t know how much longer I have. I want to stay as long as I can. She rested her head on his chest and sighed, she’d long since lost the ability to say no to him. Her voice was muffled as she spoke, not wanting to let him go. Not yet. 

“Ash, Mido, can you two set the table?”

Floyd rested his head on top of Yoru’s as the kids picked the takeout bags up off the floor and arranged them on the table. She smelled of apples and ink and a new shampoo that would probably take a while for him to get used to, he was really going to miss this. The waves had reached his hips and were minutes from pulling him off his feet despite her roots. Once he stumbled it was over, he knew he’d never surface again. The sea would force its way into his lungs and suffocate him. He could hear Jade and his old man again, laughing. Floyd the brute, Floyd the fuck-up. He couldn’t even die properly, not like them. His heart wrenched thinking about them and how his mom and Diana would take the news. He’d barely thought of them at all since he arrived in New Zealand. He supposed Yoru would have to track them down and break the news to them herself, even though they would probably already know. 

“Ready!” Ash and Mido’s voices cut through from the shore, they must have finished setting up the picnic they’d brought. Yoru had gotten up early to make the sandwiches and cut the fruit into fun shapes to convince Mido to eat it. She was so picky about that sort of thing. He paused when he saw the table, why had they set up dinner on the beach? Surely the plates would get covered in sand. And spaghetti? Lasagna? This wasn’t beach food, where had the fruit stars gotten to? Maybe he was misremembering what they’d packed in the picnic basket, he could barely think while fighting to stay standing. 

Yoru led him to his chair and helped him sit, he could feel the water creeping up past his chest but no one seemed to notice it as they sat down to eat. He fumbled with his utensils, strange to bring proper silverware to a picnic. He could hear Mido and Ash bickering about her sandcastles again, Ash was always stomping on them pretending to be some big city destroying monster, but that didn’t matter to Mido. Until he got atomic breath he wasn’t cool enough to take down her cities and needed to go away. Floyd would help her rebuild, he always did, as Yoru chased Ash around the beach trying not to laugh. The water felt nice around his chin as it pulled him away from the shore, away from his family. Mido called out to him but he couldn’t make out what she was saying over the sound of the sea in his ears. 

“Lasanny” He opened his eyes and Yoru had pulled him back to shore again, her hand wrapped around his across the kitchen table. 

“What?” he sighed.

“The first night we brought Ash and Mido home. We had Italian that night too. Mido called it lasanny” Yoru smiled  and pointed at the lasagna that was sitting untouched on Floyd’s plate. 

“No I didn’t!” she pouted, stabbing her fork into her buttered spaghetti with more force than was necessary even though she was smiling. 

“Garlic bread” Floyd breathed, memories of a lifetime ago tying him to the shore. “In… the elevator…Ash… couldn’t reach… the buttons…That… was nice…” He sat back in his chair, desperate to hold onto Yoru’s hand in case the waves came for him again. 

“Mmmm.” He squeezed her hand with all the strength he could muster, it was barely enough to notice. The sea was so fucking insistent. Yoru must have been able to see the tide too, that must have been the reason she held on so tightly. She must have seen it tugging at him, threatening to drown him the second she let go. “Can you two clean up? I need to get your dad to a doctor.” She let go of his hand to help him out of his chair and he felt himself slipping. The sea had opened its gaping maw and was trying to swallow him whole. 

“I wanna come too!”

“Me too!”

“You two stay here-”

“No! He’s our dad! We wanna come!”

“Stay here and finish your homework. A hospital is no place for kids”

“But-”

“No.”

Floyd heard them yelling at her as she closed the door behind them and unlocked the car doors. He was glad she didn’t let them come, he didn’t want them to see. Couldn’t let them see. The car was familiar, she’d bought the same one they’d had when they lived in Japan. She must have driven like a bat out of hell to the hospital, the water creeping at his feet hadn’t even seeped into his shoes by the time they pulled into the parking lot. The lights were blinding when she helped him limp inside, the words she spoke unintelligible. She must have been practicing her English a lot to be able to talk to everyone. He’d missed so fucking much. Two years. He’d been gone two years, it was a miracle his family had remembered him at all. She didn’t want to let go of his hand when they forced him onto a bed and wheeled him away, he didn’t want her to let go. He could see the sunset over the sea and the darkness settling in. If night fell he would lose her, he’d lose everything. He needed the sun to stay along the horizon just a little longer, but they pulled him away from her all the same, talking too urgently for him to catch a single word. He didn’t have any strength to fight back when the sea overtook him, his anchors and roots too far away to hold his head above water. He was stranded at sea and sinking. 

Yoru paced in the waiting room, she knew that she was making the other patients uncomfortable but there was no way for her to sit still. She saw it on his face and could hear it in his voice, Floyd was dying, and there was nothing she could do to help him. If he died she’d never forgive herself. She should have taken him to the hospital the moment she saw him, they shouldn’t have stopped to have dinner. Not that he’d eaten any of it anyway. She was sure the kids had noticed when they cleaned up afterwards. Floyd had always had a big appetite, he’d never once left his plate untouched… never until today. Fuck, if he died now it would be her fault. Hours ticked by slowly, the other patients filtering out of the room until she was left with a grumbly old man in the corner rambling about how this hospital was full of scumbags that wouldn’t help him for no reason at all. He fought as they escorted him out and had slunk back in three times before a nurse came to get her. There had been some complications in surgery and he had crashed, but against all odds they’d gotten him back. He was still unconscious but stable, the nurse smiled and told Yoru that he was a fighter and that he must have come back for her. That he knew she was waiting for him. When she entered his room her breath caught in her throat, the only sign of life the slow steady beeping from the monitor beside his bed. 

****

It was strange, this sea. He couldn’t remember it being so black, even when he and Jade would sneak out and go down to the beach well past midnight. Normally there was a moon, normally there were waves, or rocks. Normally there was something.  Floyd looked around, desperate to catch sight of anything that would give away where he was. There was always something moving just out of the corner of his eye, but every time he turned to see it had splashed back into the sea leaving only ripples in its wake. The ground was hard…though maybe there was no ground at all. The pressure around him was constant, enveloping his entire body in its lover's embrace. It was wrong. This isn’t what he wanted, he should be able to turn to see a sandy beach with his family playing on the shore. See the sun in the sky and the seagulls swooping to steal every snack the kids had left unattended, but instead there was nothing. A never ending blackness held him in its grip, squeezing a little too tightly for him to get himself free. When he tried to speak the darkness forced its way inside, stealing his words before he could form them. It was about time he learned to keep his mouth shut, well past due, actually. 

He swam. Even if there was no point, it was better than sitting still waiting to die. He’d never been good at that anyway. Maybe there was an end to this place, wherever he was anyway. Time was weird here, he felt as if he’d been swimming for hours but he still hadn’t grown tired. He counted along in his head as he went, the seconds reaching into the tens of thousands but there was no sign of fatigue. Ever since he’d been shot in the chest he hadn’t been one for battles of endurance, there was no way he’d be able to keep up this pace if he were alive. But maybe he wasn’t, maybe he had died after all. He stopped swimming, he couldn’t tell if he’d moved at all anyway. Nothing had changed. Fuck, the afterlife was boring. He thought at the very least there would be rivers of fire or something. Maybe hell was just a never ending void with nothing to do at all. He couldn’t even tell which way was up and that pissed him off too, what the fuck was the point of an after life if there wasn’t anything here. He stopped counting, there really was no point at all trying to keep track of something without a definitive start or end. Jade would probably laugh and tell him it was about time he used his brain. He wondered what kind of hell Jade and his old man had ended up in. Surely they’d have something to do in theirs besides float and look at the sky that could have very well been the ground. None of it mattered so Floyd dictated where the sky was, where the ground was. What was water and what wasn’t. It really didn’t matter. It was all the same anyway. But that was boring and he had nothing else to do, so why the fuck not. This was just like one of those sensory deprivation chambers people liked to crawl into to pretend it was relaxing, but bigger. It wasn’t though, it was just annoying. Fuck, he wished there was something to do. 

Laughter burst from his lips as the darkness crept in again, he didn’t even bother trying to stop it this time. He tried to imagine that Yoru was sharing his hell with him, they’d fucked in one of those weird pods before, maybe if he thought hard enough she’d appear from nothing and they could do it again. Only this time the staff wouldn’t yell at them and ban them from ever coming back. Like they would anyway, the whole experience sucked. He kept bumping his head on the lid like they were trying to fuck in a giant stockpot of hot broth. He groaned when she didn’t appear, annoyed and horny too, still floating alone around in the never ending black soup of hell. 

“Floyd, is there anything in that head of yours besides sex? No wonder I was going to take over as the family head.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong. When they were growing up Jade had spent his time with their mother learning about the family business and how to properly draft contracts and blackmail while Floyd snorted coke, got in fights and fucked his way through half of Tokyo. It had been a pretty good deal, he thought. Jade did all the boring stuff he didn’t want to do and he got off in whatever way he wanted. Man, that had been nice. He paused. Why was he here talking to him at all? Jade shouldn’t be in his soup, it was his soup. Jade would have his own personalized hell soup better suited to annoy him, so why was he in his? Floyd opened his eyes expecting to see his brother grinning at him with his mismatched eyes and poorly concealed thirst for chaos. Around him the void stretched in all directions, black as it had been when he arrived. How was Jade talking to him if he wasn’t even there? It wasn’t fair. Jade had always talked over him when they were alive and now he got to keep doing it in the afterlife too? Asshole. 

“Of course I’m here, you’re just not looking properly. Open your eyes, Floyd.”

He grumbled and rolled his eyes, there was nothing to see, but he looked around at Jade’s words. He tried to speak again but the void continued to snatch the words from his mouth whenever he opened it. He groaned, blah blah all you do is talk Jade, they are open I just can’t talk. Come out so I can kick your ghost ass. It would at least give me something to do. 

“Fufufufu I’m afraid that won’t be possible, Floyd.”

Floyd glared up at the moon hanging low in his self declared sky. Had it always been there? He didn’t think so but couldn’t be sure, maybe he hadn’t been looking properly like Jade said. He was usually right about that sort of stuff. It pissed him off that even in his own personal hell of void soup, Jade was right. That smug moon prick.

“You left us to die, Floyd.”

No he didn’t, he’d tried to drag them back with him. He had held Jade’s head above water, there wasn’t anything else he could have done! He frowned, frustrated he couldn’t tell moon Jade he’d tried his best. That clearly he hadn’t made it out either, that he was in hell too so Jade should just shut the fuck up and stop antagonizing him for once. 

“You got soft. You traded us in and left us to die. You coward.”

He stood up and glared at the moon, its golden tint all too familiar. Jade was wrong. For once in his fucking life he was wrong, and he wasn’t even alive to gloat about it. He hadn’t traded them in. Not Jade, not his Old Man or his Ma. He just added to it, he would never trade them in. They were his family, just like Yoru, Ash, and Mido were. Jade didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. He never went soft, his priorities just changed… though he supposed to Jade they would be one and the same. Jade didn’t care about Yoru or the kids. He probably would have gotten rid of them if he could have, they’d stolen away his best soldier and his other half. He thought that the best version of Floyd was when they were still kids, barely eighteen and completely untouchable. They’d been unstoppable.

“Liar.”

Floyd stepped back into his void, the reverberation of Jade’s voice shaking his balance as the moon collapsed in the sky. The obsidian seas boiled around him as golden gobs of the melting moon splashed into the waters around him. He backed away as quickly as he could, but the moon continued to grow as it dripped away and overtook the horizon. He couldn’t run. He couldn’t swim. There was nowhere to go. His mouth agape, he watched as the moon fell to pieces, feeling the heat of his endless sea rising with every piece of it that boiled away. He watched with tired eyes as the effigy of his decaying brother fell closer and closer to where he was standing. That’s all there was for him. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, no life flashing before his eyes or time to say goodbye to his loved ones. Only his brother masquerading as the moon, here to drag him to hell behind him. The roots that anchored him in place held fast as the moon enveloped him and he felt his body burn. 

****

It was warm. And bright. Too bright, now that he had time to think about it. He thought hell was supposed to be all dark and full of fire but the light behind his eyelids was constant. Way too soft and pale to be hell. Maybe he’d made it into heaven after all. He racked his brain trying to think of what he could have done on earth that allowed him a place in heaven and was coming up with nothing. He’d never gone to church, he never actually prayed when they’d gone to any of the temples on New Years, fuck, he’d barely even appologized to people when he fucked up. They must have lowered their standards if they were letting drug addicted murdering sex addicts in these days. He didn’t mind so long as there was something to do here, he was going to be pissed if he opened his eyes and a big white void stretched in every direction with nothing to see or do. At least hell had been easy on the eyes. He sighed and let his eyes flutter open. It was so fucking bright, jesus christ it was bright. 

“Good morning.”  

Yoru smiled at him from where she was resting her head on his mattress. She’d pulled the chair away from the wall and pushed it right up against his hospital bed. Oh, that’s right. He was in the hospital. They’d had dinner and came here afterwards, it felt like a lifetime ago. He tried to speak and gagged, there was something caught in his throat. He began to panic, maybe this was hell after all. His wife was sitting in front of him but he was too weak to move and he couldn’t speak to her. He’d have to watch her get bored and leave him for the rest of eternity, and have nothing to look at except the ceiling tiles with a pattern of shells etched into them. 

“Don’t try and talk, they had a breathing tube in for surgery. I’ll let them know you’re awake so they can take it out.” 

She smiled and bumped her head into his hand that she held in hers. He hadn’t even realized she was holding onto it, her breath was warm on his fingers. It was nice. When she left the room he could have sworn he heard her sniffle, but couldn't figure out why she would be crying. When she came back with the nurse her eyes were rimmed with red, but she couldn’t stop smiling. Her lip trembled the way it always did when she was trying to hide her tears and failing. He had missed that, he’d missed everything. The nurse said a lot of words he couldn’t understand but Yoru nodded along so he ignored her. The only thing that mattered was that he could no longer feel the sea lapping at his feet, and that he was floating. He was too high above the waves for them to be of any concern anymore. He nearly choked when they took the tube from his throat and it hurt to swallow. Yoru helped him angle his bed up and take a drink of water. Clear, dreadfully boring, room temperature water. Nothing like his boiling hell soup at all.

“Hell sucked.” 

The words came out as a croak but he couldn’t help but laugh. Even though he could barely move on his own, being trapped in this bed was better. There were things to look at, and if he had any strength at all he could have moved and actually gone somewhere. Even the ceiling tiles with their ugly flowers carved into them all were better. He frowned again. He could have sworn there were shells up there, but that didn’t matter anymore, they weren’t anywhere near the sea. Yoru was sitting next to him, her hand was warm around his and she smelled good so nothing else really mattered at all. Yoru asked him questions that he could just nod or shake his head to, talking right now sucked more than hell did. Another doctor came in to talk to them, this time in Japanese. He explained in detail what had happened and what they’d done to him. Despite his injuries it had been the sepsis that almost killed him, everything else had mostly been taken care of before he’d arrived. Whoever had sewn him up the first time had done an incredible job. Floyd sighed. He’d never liked Vita, but he had to hand it to her. If this doctor in a hospital half the world away was praising her for a twenty minute job she’d done in the back of a limousine a couple weeks ago she must be a hell of a doctor. 

“Wanna fuck before we get out of here? I’ve never had sex in a hospital bed.”

Another croak. Yoru cackled so loudly at his question a nurse checked on them to make sure everything was okay. She smiled and said she was glad he barely changed at all but that he’d have to wait. He was filthy and she had standards now. Rude. Two years ago she would have done it, but two years ago was a lifetime ago. The kids were waiting for them in the hallway when they got home, Yoru had to stop them squeezing the life out of him all over again. They told her she was being a dick and that she wouldn’t let them see him for three whole days and that he was okay now so they should get to hug him all they wanted. They nearly bowled him over all the same even when they said they were being gentle. That never really had been a quality either of them possessed. 

“Don’t call your mom a dick.” He breathed, opening his arms to gather the kids between them. “Go easy on me. I'm still pretty messed up”

The kids cried and laughed and called each other names for taking up too much space in their dad's arms. Ash move your dumb hands I wanna hug dad better. Shut up Mido it’s not my fault you have t-rex arms. Floyd sighed and held their heads into his chest as they argued into his shirt. It probably reeked and they weren’t even complaining. They must be happy he was home for real this time. He looked to Yoru to take the lead on all their questions of what they were going to do now. Did they have to go to school? Were they able to go back to Japan now? Are we here for good now? Were you gonna change, dad? You stink. There it was. They’d finally noticed, their noses wrinkling as they pulled away from his crusty old button up. For everything they’d had, the hospital had still asked for their gown back when they left. Cheap bastards. The kids protested when Yoru steered him towards their bathroom to get him cleaned up, complaining that she was hogging him and it wasn’t fair at all. 

“Do you want to give your dad a bath?” 

They both shook their heads and wrinkled their noses. Of course they didn’t, that would be weird.

“Did you skip school today?”

They looked at each other and shook their heads, trying to communicate without words despite having never been skilled in the art of it all. Of course they had, they were both still in their pajamas even though it was mid afternoon and it was a week day. Floyd chuckled, they’d both always been terrible liars. It was nice to see at least that hadn’t changed. 

“I’m not mad. Just finish up your homework so when I call the school to pull you out for the rest of the term you’ll have something to hand in.”

It was nice, watching them. It was as if nothing had changed but how they looked. Back in Japan it had been the same once they’d gotten the kids back into school. Trying to get them to do their homework had always been a chore, though he understood why. Homework was boring, so why bother with it anyway. They’d managed to shield the kids from the darker sides of the family business, so they couldn’t just rely on working for the family like he had. Yoru herself had dropped out in middle school and never bothered to finish her education. Maybe having a pair of kids that put in the work to graduate wouldn’t be so bad… he’d have to remember to try and help them. If he could understand their homework at all, everything here was in English and besides a couple classes during his mandatory education he’d never bothered to learn it. He supposed he’d better start once the fog in his brain cleared. 

He was surprised the house Yoru had bought a world away from Japan had a Japanese style bathroom and told her as much. She chuckled and told him she’d had it renovated, the style here just wasn’t what she was used to or what she liked so she paid to have it fixed. Said it made them all more comfortable after moving, that it began to feel a little more like home. He sighed as she helped him shrug out of his clothes, he kept forgetting. He was home. His wife was here, his kids were here, and the demons that had been trying to pull him all the way to hell were gone. Yoru’s hands were gentle as she washed away the weeks of built up grime, blood, and the fresh iodine courtesy of New Zealand's best. If he weren’t in so much pain he would have thought he was dreaming. He had craved this. Needed it. If only his painkillers were a little stronger so he could enjoy it a bit more. Her chest was so soft when he leaned his head into it, he didn’t want to leave. He was no longer on deaths door, but fuck if he didn’t feel like it anyway. He couldn’t help but moan when she massaged shampoo into his scalp, careful to not irritate any of the scabs that had formed since the accident. This was heaven, he decided. Fuck if he earned it or not and all the terrible things he’d done in life. Where he was at this exact moment was where he wanted to spend the rest of his life. 

He whined when Yoru told him it was time to get out of the shower. No, I don’t want to. It’s so warm and comfortable here, let’s stay like this a little longer. She relented until the air cooled and ushered him to bed. Promising him that it was much warmer and much more comfortable than the hard edge of the bathtub he’d been sitting on as she washed him. Once he laid down he agreed, but the black sheets reminded him of his void and the moon that was Jade and the hours he’d spent alone with nothing. It warmed up considerably when she slid underneath the sheets beside him, careful not to touch any of his freshly stitched wounds. 

“I had a dream about you, or tried to, at least.” He wondered if his voice would sound this raspy forever. 

That smirk. That fucking smirk. She raised her eyebrow when she asked what his dream had been about. She didn’t need to ask, she already knew. She always knew. They had always been on the same page about these sorts of things. Ever since their first date so many years ago they both knew what they wanted. 

“Doc said I should avoid strenuous activity.”

“It’s okay. I’ll do all the work.”

Fuck he loved her. The painkillers made everything more difficult than it needed to be, but she melted into his side all the same afterwards, exhausted and satisfied. He fell asleep with her tracing the outline of his tattoos on his chest with her breath warm against his skin. Yoru whispered to him whenever he groaned and woke up, she hadn’t slept and was keeping a silent watch over him as he slept. She told him that she was worried that this was all a dream, one she’d had before, too many times to count. She’d wake up with him in their bed before he vanished into smoke and she’d wake up from her dream within a dream with tears staining her face and memories dancing in her head. She said that in all her dreams he’d been healthy and whole, and hoped that his sorry state meant that he wasn’t going to disappear again. When he couldn’t sleep he talked, his throat was still raw but the words helped, even if they weren’t ones he wanted to say. 

“I was with them when they…” He could feel the pressure of Jade and his Old Mans deaths weighing heavily on his chest, the stinging in his eyes having nothing to do with any of his injuries. 

“I’m sorry, Floyd. I… saw an update on the news.”

“Jade… I…was holding onto him when…I thought if I just held on that he…” The words fell from his lips, he couldn’t tell her what they’d talked about, about how he’d been endless and that he thought that maybe it was both of them that died in that car with the smoke burning their throats and their eyes. He couldn’t tell for sure. He’d already worried her so much. She held onto his hand and pressed her head once more into his shoulder knowing that nothing she could do would ease the pain. 

“I’m sorry Floyd.”

He could feel her tears on his shoulder and could only return the pressure of her hand in his, he was three for three. He promised that he’d never make his family cry and now in as many days he’d broken that promise with each of them. He’d already caused them so much pain, that they might have been better off if he’d never made it back afterall. 

“My Old Man too… I was right fucking there… and I couldn’t do anything…” Had her hand not been wrapped around his, he would have balled it into a fist. A weak fist that couldn’t even save his dad or his brother, he had always been good for nothing. 

“Floyd.”

He wiped away his own tears with his free hand, the bandages taped on the side of his face pulling at his skin in protest. 

“Floyd.”

He grimaced into his forearm. He didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve any of it. He should have died in the wreckage with them, breathing the acrid air until he ran out of breath all together.

“Floyd, look at me.”

He sniffled, not wanting Yoru to see him like this. He was supposed to be strong, supposed to be intimidating, be a man, and instead he was crying like a fucking baby because he couldn’t handle a little death. He laughed. A hundred plus murders and he couldn’t handle this much? Pathetic. 

“Floyd.” This time Yoru didn’t wait for him to respond. She cupped his uncut cheek in her hand and turned his head to face her. She was crying too. “Floyd. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not alone anymore, you’re home.” She cradled her head in her arms as he cried, wiping away his tears and kissing his forehead until he fell back into a fitful sleep. She would be there when he woke up, again and again, until the earth ran out of days, forever, until the sun ran out of warmth. 

“I thought he was invincible…” Floyd croaked, his eyes fluttering. “My Old Man, I mean. I thought that he…that he’d be here forever.” He sighed, staring at the roof seeing imagined smoke and fire dance across the ceiling as he watched him die over and over on repeat. “Tell me about the kids. I can’t sleep. Not… not now… anyway”

And so she did. 

She told them about how they’d chosen the house, how they argued for days about who got which bedroom even though they were nearly identical, how they’d been doing in school. That Mido pretended to not like all her little Sanrios anymore, even though her eyes always lit up when she saw them at the store. She told him that Ash had joined a band because his Old Man used to play and heard drumming was a good way to meet girls. And how upset he was that Mido managed to get a girlfriend before he did, even though all she did was play rugby and yell. That she didn’t even try to be popular but somehow knew everyone in the school while he and his band couldn’t even get noticed by the one cute girl in his class. Floyd laughed and asked if they were any good, Yoru had to admit she had no idea. As far as she was aware, his band had never even played a show. Said they’d named the band ‘bottom feeders’ and they’d asked Yoru to help do the album art, not that there was an album yet. Floyd grinned when Yoru told him she’d put some eels into the album art, and that she’d finished getting tattooed. The one spot left over from Japan, the spot she’d left for something really important when she found it. A family of eels, her own little Leech family tattoo, with the same peonies and lotus flowers as him. Four little moray Leeches, even though their passports claimed they were all Lee’s now. The most important thing in the entire world. She told him of everything he’d missed and everything he had to look forward to until the light crept through the curtains and the pounding footsteps of the kids running towards their bedroom told them that morning had arrived. 

Breakfast was pancakes, bacon, fruit cut into the star shapes Mido liked, and complaints that they had to go to school. They didn’t want to spend one minute there, not even one second now that their dad was home and that it was almost winter break anyway. They complained the entire drive to the school, then argued about which one of them got to help Floyd out of the car and up the walkway to meet with the Headmaster. They had to compromise, and if Yoru hadn’t known any better she would have thought that his teenage escort was comical. Both of them were still too short to support him properly, their arms and shoulders still only meeting him mid-torso. But she knew they wanted to be close to him, and he knew it too and let them lead him into their school, jabbering the whole way about what he should see first. They’d immediately forgotten that they’d come for a short visit to introduce Floyd to the staff, and to withdraw them for the remainder of term to spend more time at home. There would be plenty of time to tour the school later, once all Floyd’s injuries had healed. 

The mall afterwards was the same, Mido and Ash racing inside to see which of them would be first to find a wheelchair to help get Floyd around. To see which could push him faster and more efficiently, and who could find him the best gift. Yoru had to remind them to be careful, and asked if they could find him the perfect gift while she took him shopping for the boring essentials. They both had money, she told them it was a contest to find the best gift, even though she knew nothing would be more important than him being together with all of them. Floyd nearly burst his stitches and fell out of the wheelchair when the kids raced into the shoe store with a shopping bag raised over their heads shouting that they’d found the holy grail. The salesman jumped back in shock, looking on in horror as they produced the ugliest shirt that anyone had ever seen; Neon tie dye with their own faces printed on it, with large bubble letters proclaiming I LOVE MY KIDS! It wasn’t the tackiest gift he’d ever gotten, but definitely the most heartfelt. He pulled it on over the shirt he was already wearing and grinned at them. They had been right, he did love them, more than the ugly t-shirt would ever be able to explain. Shopping was more exhausting than he remembered and was glad to be ushered back to the car once they’d finished. He was looking forward to a nap, but was told there was one more place they needed to visit. It had become very special to them all, he’d probably like it a lot too. 

Floyd watched the coast slip by them as they drove, the ocean stretching out far past his line of sight, gently lapping at the shores. It was inviting, pleasant, and all too familiar. Yoru and the kids had said they’d wanted takoyaki for dinner, that they’d found the best place in the whole damn country, but that it was a bit of a drive. He’d like it though, it was like home. After the chaos of the mall, he didn’t mind the constant thrum of the tires on the pavement. Gravel crunched beneath them as they pulled into a parking lot of a desolate beach. The signs said that this was a popular spot, but Floyd supposed in the middle of winter not many people were going swimming. That was going to take some getting used to, winter, in July. Usually by now in Tokyo the humidity had risen and was starting to get uncomfortable before being completely overwhelmed by it in late July and August. 

“There it is!” Ash shouted, pointing out the window towards a small shack set up near the boardwalk. The sign was in Japanese, with a goofy mascot of a takoyaki with noodly arms and legs with big white gloves pointing a thumb back towards the googly eyed face proclaiming the best takoyaki in the hemisphere. Yoru helped Floyd get out of the car as Ash and Mido raced to greet the elderly couple behind the counter, shouting their salutations in Japanese. 

“I’ll be there in a second. I just gotta use the washroom.” Floyd shook his head when Yoru asked if he needed any help, but all he needed was to splash some water on his face. He stared at himself in the mirror, it still looked like him, new scar and hollowed cheeks be damned. 

“Floyd.”

He spun towards Jade's voice that had echoed in from the doorway, a shadow the shape of his brother sneaking through the open doorway. 

He was waiting for him at the handrail overlooking the sea, he looked the same as he did all those years ago in Hawaii before they’d grown apart. Before they’d gotten caught up in the family business. Before they died. Floyd looked at his hands, felt his stomach and all his stitching. He was still him, but the Jade before him was from his childhood, the same mischievous glint in his eye as he asked what was next. 

“Jade…”

“So you chose them, afterall.”

“Mmm” Floyd nodded. He could see Yoru, Ash, and Mido speaking with the elderly couple at the takoyaki stand; they weren’t looking at the two of them as they watched the waves. He could see their smiles, hear their laughter as it rolled across the beach to catch in his ears.

“I’ve been watching you.”

“You always were a pervert, Jade.” They both chuckled, a warmth growing between them that hadn’t been present for decades. 

“I thought she ruined you.”

“I know.”

“I thought that somehow she tamed you, that she reigned you in. That those kids were the final nails in the coffin.”

“Watch your mouth.”

“Fufufufu, there’s no use fighting ghosts, Floyd, though I would be interested to see you try. I’m merely saying that I watched the two of you together. I didn’t expect that you’d be so perfectly matched. I’m jealous.”

“Bullshit, you wanted them all gone.”

“I thought if you didn’t have them we’d go back to the way we used to be.”

“I got shot in the chest, I wasn’t going back to anything. Yoru didn’t change my mind, she just made it easier.”

“I should apologize, Floyd. I was wrong.”

Floyd paused, a grin growing across his freshly scarred face. 

“Can’t believe I had to wait for you to die to get an apology.”

“I’ve always been a touch stubborn that way, I’m afraid. What you did for those kids… that was the Floyd that I thought was stolen from me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I watched your road trip with our dear sister. How frightful you can be, Floyd. I wonder, do you still have that same brutality in you? Can you still kill?”

“I would do anything for them.” He looked towards the takoyaki stand where Ash and Mido were kicking sand at each other while Yoru laughed trying to keep the sand away from her dinner. 

“I’m glad you found them, Floyd.”

“Me too,” He sighed, watching the waves kiss the shore. “How’s the Old Man?”

“He’s fine. He asked if you can say sorry to Mother from him, and to bring her some forget-me-nots and a nice coffee cake.”

“He always was such a sap when it came to her.”

“You are not one to talk, Floyd.”

“Heh, yeah yeah. I’ll try and go see her soon, when things have settled down. Diana too.”

“Can you pass along a message for me?”

“What?”

“Knight to C4. Checkmate.”

“Can’t you let her win just this once?”

“Absolutely not. And will you tell Diana I’m waiting for her?”

“Noooope~ that’s gross. Tell her yourself.”

“Take care of yourself Floyd.” Jade sighed, leaning over the railing staring out to the endless sea. “And take care of them too, they’re the ones that need you now.” He inched his hand to the left, covering Floyds with his own. The pressure was faint, the phantom touch lingering as Ash rushed to his side to ask if he was okay and if he needed help getting back down the boardwalk. 

The takoyaki tasted like it did back home, like the dingey alleyways filled with smoke, like so many high end restaurants, like the drives between Tokyo and Osaka with the kids yelling about how Mount Fuji was covered in clouds again. They tasted like blood, like bullets, like glazed cinnamon and chocolate donuts made fresh in his coffee shop by Kore, like sex, like late night drinks in Jade’s bar, and the city lights in his BMW. They tasted like everything he’d ever known, and everything he wanted to know, they tasted of love and of life. It all came together standing on a frozen beach in the middle of winter in New Zealand with his family huddled around him stuffing their faces with his favorite as the elderly shop owners smiled at him from behind the grill. 

“You must be Floyd. We’ve heard so much about you. Welcome home.”