Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first time Kurt’s heart broke it felt like the world was broken from its tilted axis and he was floating freely in space. It was hard for him to put words to the way it felt like a pickaxe was pushed straight through his heart chamber. He felt like the world was ending and he’d never recover, but then he met a cute strawberry blond with a sultry accent who swept him off his feet as if Blaine never existed. It wasn’t easy and Adam had to break through layers of protective armor to really get to Kurt’s heart, but once he was there, there was no going back. Once Kurt let himself fall in love again, it was like he’d never been hurt before. He trusted Adam and he fell in love with him and once he did that, it was easy again.

There were things about Adam that reminded him of Blaine sometimes–like how they both practically lived on a stage. They were the stars of the show and everyone else kind of faded into the background sometimes, including Kurt. The best part about Adam, though, was that he always noticed when he was taking up too much space and would go out of his way to make Kurt feel seen. He was gentle with Kurt and he didn’t fight with him the way Blaine did. They’d had barely two spats their whole relationship and it was such a different pace to what Kurt was used to. He was used to biting sentences thrown around in the heat of the moment and throwing accusations and serenading as an apology and the make-up sex. But he didn’t need to do that with Adam. Adam didn’t want to fight him. He just wanted to make Kurt happy–and maybe Blaine had always wanted that too, but they were just a bit too much like each other back then and they didn’t know how to coexist in the same space.

The first time he and Adam were intimate, Kurt thought of Blaine. Not in the way of him necessarily missing sex with Blaine, but moreso in wondering how long it might take Adam to learn the parts of his body that Blaine had such an intimate relationship with that he never had to tell him what he wanted. He also wondered who else Blaine might be sleeping with. He wished the best for him–he really did. It’s just… Blaine sleeping with other people is what got them into this situation in the first place. He wondered what other men knew how Blaine liked kisses peppered up his inner thighs and that spot right under his jaw always made him let loose little whimpers he tried to keep in. It’s hard for him to find the disconnect between the body he used to worship so wholly and the new one he’s still learning about. When he and Blaine made love for the first time, he was so certain Blaine was the only man he’d ever be intimate with, but that was obviously ruined now. 

Adam proposed at Kurt’s graduation dinner in front of all their parents and a bunch of patrons at the Spotlight Diner. It took Kurt a little bit by surprise, but really it shouldn’t have, considering by that point they’d been together for nearly four years. They moved in together a year earlier. Their lives essentially revolved around one another, so when Adam asked him to be his husband, it was an easy yes. He felt complete when he looked down at that ring on his finger, but just like every moment before, he was reminded of Blaine again. They were supposed to get married (once it was legal) and they would sing Come What May at the reception. They would live in New York together and adopt a bunch of little kids and maybe a cat or two because Kurt simply refused to clean up after a dog. Their future was pretty much planned out from their one month anniversary, but that wasn’t in the cards anymore. Now he was marrying Adam and he had to make new plans.

He didn’t invite Blaine to the wedding. He hadn’t even spoken to the younger man since their breakup. He knew little things that Rachel mentioned in passing–like Blaine had decided to go to Ohio State and he was studying music education. Kurt was strangely proud of him. It was such a selfless profession and in all the conversations they’d had about the future, teaching had never been a topic. Kurt sometimes worried that maybe he had steered Blaine away from performing. He didn’t want Blaine to uproot all his plans to make Kurt comfortable, but he also wasn’t going to go out of his way to contact Blaine and tell him that. He supposed they both had moved on the best they could. Rachel never mentioned a boyfriend, but Kurt also wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle that information. No matter how in love with Adam he was, it would always hurt to hear that his first love–the man who absolutely shattered his trust–had finally moved on. 

So he became Kurt Crawford-Hummel and he got a full-time position at another fashion magazine and by the time their one year wedding anniversary had come up, they were already in the process of looking for surrogates. A year later they welcomed their first child, Alex–a wispy haired blond with bright blue eyes and a curious mind. He liked to get into literally everything around him and he was always smiling. Kurt couldn’t keep up with him most of the time. Blaine sent a baby gift in the mail–a purple teddy bear that fit perfectly in Alex’s arms and their little boy wouldn’t go anywhere without it. It was bittersweet seeing Blaine give their baby a present. Half a decade ago Kurt was so sure Alex would have been he and Blaine’s child, but then again, he knew they wouldn’t have gotten him exactly and he didn’t want a single thing about his son to change. He was completely perfect.

The one problem between Adam and Kurt balancing their work and their son was that their own relationship fell on the backburner and while they still loved each other to some degree, it didn’t quite feel the same. By the time Alex had reached school age, Kurt couldn’t even remember the last time he and Adam had gone on a date, let alone been intimate with each other. Most of their nights consisted of Kurt browsing through his emails and making notes at his desk while Adam read in bed. When Kurt finally managed to get into bed, Adam was usually asleep already, but sometimes he would manage to stay awake a few extra minutes long enough to kiss Kurt goodnight. At times it felt like Kurt was just raising a child with his best friend. They didn’t do coupley things anymore and it turns out that Adam felt the same way. So after twelve years together and seven years married, they decided to call it quits. It was amicable. There was no bad blood. The spark just fizzled out and they realized they were better off as friends and co-parents. It was easy to raise Alex together even when their divorce was finalized. Alex didn’t even freak out like they assumed he might, but Kurt was certain that had more to do with the fact that Adam was still around all the time and literally lived five minutes away from their old place and then it was time for Alex to start second grade and it was the first time Adam wasn’t joining him to drive Alex to school and it really hit him–he was a single dad now.

Alex was kicking his feet against the back of Kurt’s chair and Kurt was about two seconds away from throwing a shoe at his son, child abuse charges be damned. He loved his son more than anything, but he was annoying as all get out and Kurt had no idea where this easily distracted-hyperactive fixation came from. He certainly didn’t get it from either of his fathers. Honestly it reminded Kurt a little bit of Finn, but Alex couldn’t have possibly got it from him. He passed away before he even married Adam. 

“Lex, if you kick me one more time, I’m taking away Bee.” Kurt warned his son and even though Alex was seven, that purple teddy bear Blaine got him (aptly named Bee after an uncle he’d never met) was still sitting snugly in his backpack. Alex was quick to stop after that and they were quickly pulling up to the elementary building. 

Kurt pulls into a free parking space and turns off the ignition, looking back at his son with a warm smile. “Okay, first day of first grade. How do you feel?”

Alex bites his lip, a bad habit he’d gotten from Kurt, and shrugs. “Nervous, I guess.”

Kurt frowns, unbuckling his seatbelt so he can face his son a little easier and he places a confident hand on Alex’s knee, squeezing reassuringly. “You have nothing to be nervous about, Lex. I know this year has been a lot of change, but I think you’re really gonna like it here.”

Their decision to put Alex in a private school had been discussed for years, as far back as when their son was just a cell in his surrogate’s belly. Adam was raised in private institutions back in Essex and Kurt really enjoyed his time at Dalton. Once they knew they had the funds to send Alex there, they knew it was the right thing for their son. Kurt loved McKinley and the friends he made there. He knows that place really toughened him up with all he went through, but he just couldn’t bring himself to think about his son enduring what he did. He wanted to protect him and the Primary Imagine Institute for Arts Education was perfect for him. It was a fairly new school, but so far had a good track record and it had both the arts and sports which was perfect for their son who had none of the musical inclination of his fathers, but really enjoyed painting. Kurt had done the overprotective father thing and already vetted all of Alex’s teachers by way of stalking each of their teacher websites. Some had more information than others, but overall he felt rather confident this place would be a good fit for his son.

Alex nods silently, getting out of his seat and pulling his backpack on his shoulders. He looks so small as he looks up at the big scary building. His blue eyes are wide and searching and he looks back at the passenger side door where Kurt has rolled down the window and he smiles as his son shyly asks him to take him inside. Alex has been going through this phase where he needs to prove that he’s a big boy and can do things without his dads, but that Alex needs him now warms his heart up and he nods.

Kurt gets out of the car and holds out his hand for his son and he almost laughs when Alex grabs it immediately, clutching to his daddy’s side. He misses when Alex was little and held onto him like this all the time. He was growing up so fast and becoming his own little person. He just wanted him to stop growing for two seconds, half because he was growing so fast they had to buy new clothes every six months, but more so because he felt like if he blinked even once his son wouldn’t be this little boy with little blond curls but instead a man getting ready to leave home. He wasn’t ready to lose his son. He wanted to keep him forever and ever.

Kurt follows the directions to Alex’s first class that Adam gave him. His ex-husband was the one who had to take Alex to meet his teachers because Kurt got stuck at work. He looks up at the room number to make sure it matches the number on his phone and he nods, his eyes drifting down to the plaque right under the room number that makes his blood run cold. Mr. Blaine Anderson.

Of course he knew one of Alex’s teachers–his music performance teacher, in fact–was named Mr. Anderson, but the website hadn’t provided a first name and really there had to be a million men with the surname of Anderson. Why in the world would he connect it to Blaine? He half expected it to be some balding old man with rosy cheeks and colorful socks, certainly not his first love. He’s frozen in place and it isn’t until Alex is pulling on his sleeve that he realizes.

“Daddy, are you okay?” Alex asks, his eyes wide as he looks up at his father. 

Kurt shakes out of his reverie and squats down to the same height as his son, brushing his son’s curls back. “I think I’ll just drop you off here, bug.”

Alex pouts, whining, “But, daddy, you haven’t even met Mr. A yet! He’s so cool and he wears bowties like the ones you design!”

The mention of Blaine’s affinity for bowties warms his heart a little bit and seeing his son’s excitement he knows he’s not getting out of this, so with a big inhale and exhale, he slowly nods and his son squeals, pulling his father into the classroom excitedly.

“Mr. A! Mr. A!” Alex greets his teacher and Kurt feels his breath catch when Blaine turns around and he looks the same yet so different. He’s wearing a blue bowtie with an apple pattern and his hair has just a trace of gel, but it’s still that same smile he fell in love with. They’re both in their thirties now, but for just a second he’s transported back to that day on the Dalton staircase when Blaine turned around to help him. 

At first Blaine doesn’t seem to notice him. He bends down to give Alex a fist bump. “Hey, dude. Welcome.”

Kurt has stood a little further back, hoping to maybe hide behind a three foot tall second grader or possibly jump into a cubby, but then Alex is grabbing his sleeve and tugging him forward again to introduce him to his teacher. Little does he know he doesn’t need to. 

“This is my daddy. His name is Kurt.” Alex says so innocently Kurt wants to coo, but mostly he’s caught up in his fright once Blaine’s eyes focus in on his own. It reminds him of when he performed Blackbird and Blaine’s eyes never left him once. 

“Kurt,” Blaine’s voice comes out barely a whisper and it sends a jolt through him, remembering how many times the younger man had said his name with such reverence, as if he was this magical being Blaine could only look on at in awe.

Kurt notices his son’s confused expression as he watches the two men interact, so he pulls back the onslaught of reminiscence falling through him and holds out a hand to shake with Blaine. “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Anderson.”

Blaine shakes out of the past and pulls on a rather believable mask. “Right. You too, Mr. Crawford-Hummel.”

Touching Blaine’s hand is like lightning striking against his skin. He’s transported back to his seventeen year old self holding onto a pretty stranger’s hand as he leads him down a deserted hallway. Kurt clears his throat. “Just Hummel now.”

Blaine finally lets go of Kurt’s hand and quirks his left eyebrow up. “Oh. Mr. Hummel, then.”

“I…” Kurt’s breath gets caught in his throat. “Um, I should get going.”

“Wait, uh,” Blaine turns around and grabs a piece of paper off his desk. When he hands it to Kurt, their fingertips brush against each other. It’s all his contact information. “Um, this is all my contact information in case you need to reach me. I gave it to your partner at the conference, but here’s your copy.”

Kurt smiles that unknowing grin the way that only Blaine was ever able to coax out of him. “Right. My copy.”

Blaine grins at him, but the noise of more and more children bustling into the room has broken up their moment. “I should start class soon, but I’ll take good care of Alex. I hope to hear from you soon, Kurt.”

Kurt doesn’t say anything. He simply smiles and nods before he gives his son a goodbye hug and makes him promise to be on his best behavior today. Alex nods vehemently and Kurt chuckles. He knows Blaine’s eyes are still on them, but he pushes it away as he wishes his son a good first day and tells him that Adam will pick him up later today. He folds up Blaine’s contact information and sticks it in his pocket. It may come in handy on a rainy day.

-

Afterglow is flushed against their cheeks. Their pajamas are on and they’ve cleaned up the mess so that now they are just laying next to each other on Blaine’s bed and basking in each other’s warmth. Kurt is brushing his thumb against Blaine’s visible collarbone and his eyelids are fluttering shut with adoration as he looks on at the love of his life. 

Blaine’s words come out slurred. He looks like he’s about two seconds away from falling asleep on Kurt. “Was it okay?”

Kurt snorts in that bright grinned way that only Blaine can seem to coax out of him. “The best, honey. I love you.”

Blaine’s eyes flutter shut again as he mumbles, “Love you too–

Kurt’s eyes shoot open at the incessant ringing of his cell phone. He’s made a habit of using his off days to catch up on some sleep and his ringtone is just annoying now. He doesn’t want to think about the fact that he was dreaming about the night he and Blaine made love for the first time. The younger man’s resurgence into his life was at the very least confusing. He didn’t really know how to act around him anymore and even more so since Adam went and told Alex that Blaine was the mysterious Uncle Bee. It meant he was seeing Blaine even more than he should.

Kurt didn’t look at the caller identification before he answered the call and barked out, “What?” Sue him, he’s grumpy when he gets woken up.

Someone coughs on the other line uncomfortably. “Um, Kurt, hi. So there’s a situation. Uh, Alex got stung by a bee on the field trip and we couldn’t find his epipen, so we’re at Manhattan General right now. I already called Adam.”

Kurt feels a chill run through him. Alex is deathly allergic to bees. They learned the hard way after a walk in the park when he was only a few months old and his throat closed up. He couldn’t breathe and all Kurt could do was stand there frozen watching his son struggle, but they made it through relatively unscathed and he got an epipen. Alex was always supposed to have it on him just in case. Kurt packed it in his bag every morning, except… he was in a rush this morning and Adam had to pick him up and take him to school. He must have forgotten. And as he rushes around the room in his panic, there Alex’s epipen sits on the island counter and suddenly it’s like Kurt’s throat has closed up too.

“Kurt, are you having an attack?” Blaine’s voice is calm but worried. 

Kurt was prone to panic attacks if he stressed too much and he remembered the first time he had one in front of Blaine. It was during his senior year in the class presidential campaign. Rachel had just put herself on the ballot even though she was going to be Maria in West Side Story and she already had a billion extracurriculars to her name, but aside from a season each on the Cheerios and the football team, he had nothing. Blaine was sitting on his bed studying his lines for the musical and Kurt was just staring into the void of his closet and then Blaine noticed his shoulders shaking. Blaine stood behind him and rubbed up and down his arms, whispering sweet nothings into his ear and reassuring him that he still had every chance in the world to get into NYADA–that he was the most talented boy in all of Ohio and he deserved this. Kurt didn’t get his attacks often, but when he did, they hit like a freight train and after the first one, it wasn’t as hard to break down in front of Blaine anymore. He had nothing to be ashamed of and Blaine told him as much.

Kurt let out a shaky answer and he could hear Blaine take a deep breath on the other end of the line. “Okay, honey, just listen to my voice. Alex is perfectly fine. We got here in record time and they gave him medicine to take the swelling down and the doctors have assured me he’s gonna be just fine. Just take a deep breath for me. Can you do that, Kurt?”

Kurt’s chest shakes as he inhales and exhales slowly, repeating the movement a few extra times to calm himself. Alex is fine. That’s all that matters. His nerves are still shot, but slowly oxygen is getting back to him and he can speak again.

“I’m o-on my way,” Kurt stutters, trying to formulate his sentences correctly while he slips his jacket and shoes on. He comes back to the phone, “Thank you, B.”

The nickname falls off his lips like he’s been saying it every day for the past fifteen years and he tries to ignore the flush of his cheeks at making Blaine deal with his bullshit anxiety again or the fact that Blaine called him honey the way he used to. He hangs up before he can embarrass himself further and loads into a cab on the way to the hospital to reunite with his son.

-

Kurt knocks on the open door frame of Alex’s room. He’s watching cartoons and stuffing his face with hospital jello and Blaine is watching him in the chair next to his bed. When Blaine sees Kurt, he sits up a little straighter in his chair. 

“Daddy!” Alex squeals when he sees his father, though it comes out muffled because he’s still slurping up a bite of red jello.

“Hi, bug. Where’s papa?” Kurt asks as he sits on Alex’s bed.

Blaine answers. “He’s getting us coffee.”

Kurt nods and settles in close to his son, making Alex scoot over to make room for him. At just that moment Adam comes in with everyone’s caffeine in hand and once he’s handed Blaine his coffee, Blaine gets up. “I’ll leave you guys alone for a little bit.”

Adam looks up at him and smiles. “Thanks, Blaine. We appreciate you, mate.”

Alex pouts, however. “But, Uncle Bee! I’m sick. You have to stay.”

Blaine chuckles, moving to Alex’s side. “I’m just gonna be outside, buddy. You need some time alone with your dads. They were really worried about you.”

Alex sighs in that halfhearted way that always gets him what he wants and the more Kurt looks at his son, the more he thinks he acts even more like Blaine than he does Finn. “Can you come over for dinner?”

Blaine’s eyes widen and he looks over at Kurt. “Oh, I don’t–”

The question takes Kurt slightly by surprise because Friday night dinners (he stole the tradition from his dad) are meant to be just the three of them, but Blaine essentially saved his son’s life, so he nods. “Yeah, you should come. I’m making your favorite.”

Blaine’s face lights up the same way Alex’s does and in absolute synchronicity, they both squeal out the same phrase. “Lasagna?”

Kurt and Adam both chuckle at them as he nods. “Yes, lasagna.”

“I’m in if you are.” Blaine looks at Alex who agrees fervently. He pulls his arm out for a handshake with Kurt’s son and says in mock seriousness, “I’ll see you tonight, Mr. Crawford-Hummel.”

Alex giggles as he lets go of Blaine’s hand and mocks his teacher right back. “Whatever, Mr. Anderson.”

Blaine exits the room with a salute and then it’s just the Crawford-Hummels huddled together on a tiny hospital bed. Kurt is brushing his fingers through Alex’s curls while he watches his ex-husband crack jokes with their son and show him pictures of the newest show he’s producing. For a minute all seems right with the world and it’s like nothing’s changed–the way it was before his marriage fell apart, before Blaine came back in their lives. It was just the three of them. Alex called them the tree-o after his fifth Christmas when Adam and Kurt hauled a Christmas tree into their house and they picked him up in their arms and let their little boy put the star right on top. When they announced their separation, they promised Alex the tree-o would always be together. They loved each other. They needed each other.

It wasn’t long before Alex got bored of his papa’s production stories. He wasn’t a fan of musicals at all, but he liked the staging and scene work. Alex’s head laid on Adam’s shoulder as he started falling asleep and then the room was completely silent being filled only with their son’s snores–and god, how did those sounds come out of a body so small? 

Kurt’s eyes meet Adam’s and he breaks. “I’m sorry. This is all my fault.” 

Adam can see his ex-husband’s eyes watering, so as best he can he maneuvers their son’s head back onto the pillow so he can comfort Kurt instead. He pulls Kurt on his feet and into his arms the same way he has a million times before in the past decade. Adam shushes him and lets him cry into his shoulder while he brushes his fingers through Kurt’s hair. 

“It was an accident. It’s okay.” Adam soothes him, but Kurt can’t just accept that. The guilt is eating at him. 

“But what if it wasn’t okay? What if he got really hurt or god forbid, he died? That would be my fault, Adam.” Kurt cries.

Adam sighs and Kurt’s whole body moves with his breath. “You can’t worry about that, baby. It was an accident. He’s just fine. All we can do now is just be extra mindful and pray for the best.”

“I-I can’t lose him. He’s my everything.” Kurt mumbles into Adam’s shirt.

“He’s our everything.” Adam cups his face and rubs the stray tears away. Kurt manages a small smile at him and kisses him chastely. He doesn’t mean to, but the thing about giving your heart to somebody for over a decade is that those feelings don’t disappear as easily as you would hope. He’d always love Adam and being with him like this–basking in that familiar comfort–is easy. He wants everything to be easy again.

Adam pulls away with a smile and their foreheads fall together. “I love you and Alex more than anything.”

Kurt wraps his arms around Adam’s waist and mumbles, “Me too. I love you guys too.”

-

The first time Kurt feels that old need to wrap his arms around Blaine is when his mother passes away in a freak car accident. Blaine was always much closer to his mother than his father and though Blaine had made great strides in his relationship with his parents, Kurt knows Blaine would choose his mother over his father any day. Kurt goes back to who he was when his own mother died. He was only eight. He had very few memories left. The older he got the more he forgot about her and then his mind would travel to the fact that he was about Alex’s age when his mom passed and he worries that one day he’s going to leave his son too and he never wants Alex to feel that heartache he did as a child.

At Pam’s funeral Kurt lets Blaine lean on his shoulder for most of the service. Alex holds Blaine’s hand at the front of the funeral home while everyone is sending their condolences. Adam even puts an arm around Blaine and pulls him into a hug when the first set of tears hit him–but Kurt can’t bring himself to hold Blaine. He feels his heart taking up residence in his throat and he can’t speak. He feels that familiar ache he had when Finn died. Blaine was at the funeral and Kurt couldn’t even look at him then. That was a near year after their breakup and it was still too much. He let himself grieve alone the death of his brother–his best friend. He wondered sometimes if Blaine ever got to grieve Finn or if he took that away from him. At the same time he wonders if Finn had been alive whether he might be pushing him into Blaine’s arms. Finn never let him forget that Blaine was sorry and he deserved a second chance. Even if it was a decade too late, would it be fulfilling Finn’s wishes if he gave Blaine a chance now?

At the end of the service when all that’s left is Blaine and his family, Kurt tries to direct his family out to give the Andersons time to grieve, but Alex is clutching his arms around his uncle and crying. 

“No! Uncle Bee needs us, Daddy!” he sobs, holding Blaine so tightly while the other man lets silent tears fall down his cheeks. Adam sighs, retracting his son’s arms from Blaine and picks him up off the ground. Alex is still crying and mumbling words out onto his papa’s shoulder, but the older man manages to soothe the child and leaves the room with a pat on his ex-husband’s shoulder. 

Ted Anderson and Cooper are speaking with the funeral director in the back office and then it’s just Kurt and Blaine looking at each other, only this time it hurts more. Blaine’s eyes are puffy and red. He doesn’t even have gel on, his curls free flying and wild. He barely had the energy to put on a tie this morning and Cooper had to help him fix it by the time they got to the funeral home. He hasn’t seen Blaine look so broken down since their break up and before that, it was when Kurt was going off to college. His heart feels strained just looking at Blaine and finally he can’t let it go anymore, so he pulls Blaine into his arms and lets him cry.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d touched Blaine so intimately. He’d made a point ever since the younger man came back into his life to not touch him the way he used to. The closest to an embrace they’d come in the past few months were side-hugs and high-fives. They couldn’t move past that, but now with his hand rubbing up and down Blaine’s back as the other man sobbed into his shoulder, he felt that same warmth that used to envelope them as teenagers. He used to hold Blaine and it felt like the cure to cancer or the end of world hunger. He was surprised to find that as thirty year olds it felt exactly the same.

“I know, B. I know.” Kurt whispers, his fingers brushing through Blaine’s curls and it reminds him of Alex so much there’s a new settling of warmth in his chest. He thinks of how much time they’ve lost and how much Blaine needed him now. 

“I-I miss her. So much,” Blaine sobs, his voice hoarse and broken. Kurt doesn’t think he’s spoken through the whole service. He didn’t write anything and Kurt had spoken more to Cooper than he had Blaine. “How does anyone do this?” he cries.

Kurt pulls back a little bit so he can really look at Blaine. He wipes away stray tears from those hazel hues he used to look at it so lovingly. His hands rest on Blaine’s shoulders and he rubs up and down his arms to soothe him. “No one wants to, love. But the universe is mean and sometimes you lose people and it hurts–god, there’s not a day I don’t think about Finn or my mom, but life goes on without them.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you after… after Finn.” Blaine mumbles, his eyes welling up again.

Kurt sniffles, all those old feelings of hurt and abandonment washes over him like a rainstorm. He remembers feeling angry with Finn in the beginning. He remembers getting the call from his dad that he needed to come home and his father sitting him on the couch to tell him that Finn was dead and immediately feeling anger coarse through him. He remembers running up the stairs and banging on Finn’s bedroom door yelling at him to come out and face him like a man. He remembers sliding down the door and just begging for Finn to come out.

“Please, Finn. I-it can’t be true. Just come out. Please.”

“There’s nothing you could’ve done. I was too stubborn to let anyone in then. I needed to do it on my own.” Kurt comforts the man, though every part of him feels that anger again. Why didn’t you force me to let you in? Why didn’t you fight for me? But he knows that’s unfair. The only people he talked to during that time were his parents and Rachel and as much as he was hurting, he didn’t want anyone’s pity. Blaine never worried about being a burden to anyone. If he was feeling horrible, he broke. Kurt couldn’t be so lucky.

Blaine nuzzles into Kurt's neck and mumbles, "I'm still sorry."

Kurt's arms tighten around Blaine and he can't remember the last time he had felt so content. It had to have been when Alex was born. "I'm sorry about your mom, love. She was great."

Blaine sniffles. "Yeah, she was."

It doesn't matter that Kurt's family is waiting for him in the car or the fact that he can see Blaine's father giving the death glare from across the room. All that seems to matter is Blaine and for the first time in a long time he's letting himself indulge in that. 

-

It takes a few months before Blaine finally starts to return to his old self, and even then it's not completely the same. He's a little quieter than he used to be and not as quick to touch people like he used to–but it's something at least. Blaine is over at Kurt's apartment baking cookies with him for Alex's birthday. Adam took him out to eat and so it's just the two exes existing in the same space and baking. 

While he watches Blaine mix the dough carefully, Kurt thinks of how much they used to do this when they were together. It was one of their favorite couples activities and they did it so often they didn't really need to even speak to each other. It was funny to realize that even though so much time had passed, they still ran the kitchen the same way and were completely silent while they prepared the cookies. 

Kurt's thoughts barrage him and he can't help breaking the silence. "Do you remember our first Christmas?"

Blaine looks up at him for a second as he grabs the cookie cutters from the bag and then he smiles, ducking his head. "Yeah. I do."

"You promised to make me cookies twice a year." Kurt comments as he continues rolling the dough out for the cutters. 

"Only chocolate chip cookies in the summer and then oatmeal raisin in the winter for Finn." Blaine chuckles. 

"God, he loved disgusting cookies." Kurt laughs and then the two of them are looking at each other and cracking up like the kids they used to be. 

Blaine's hand smacks against the bag of flour in his laughter and he tips it over right in the path of Kurt's shoes and the older man looks up at him with a slack jaw. At least it's just his moccasins. 

"Now don't start something you can't finish, Anderson." 

Kurt's hand travels to the case of eggs and he holds the protein in his fist, raised up to attack. 

"Wait, Kurt! Hold on, we can talk this through. We-we don't need to resort to violence!" Blaine stutters, holding up his hands in defense. 

Kurt smirks, his grip letting loose of the egg as he smacks it against Blaine’s cardigan. The younger man gasps, but his face tells all that he’s far from upset and mutters that this was his favorite cardigan as he grabs the bag of flour in its entirety to douse Kurt from head to toe. Blaine tries to muffle his laughter behind his fist, but then he sees that glimmer in Kurt’s eyes and he starts running around the kitchen with Kurt chasing him.

“This is war!” Kurt yells like a kid as he catches up to the younger man and pushes him up against the counter. 

The sugar is right behind Blaine and if he wants to he can just reach over for it and sprinkle it all over him, but instead Kurt focuses on Blaine’s wide eyes. They remind him of the first time he initiated a kiss with Blaine at school. It was hardly scandalous and the halls were basically empty, but Kurt relished in those wide golden eyes staring back and forth between his lips and his eyes until he finally leaned in. Both men are panting heavily and there are wide grins on their faces as Kurt moves closer and his eyes flit down to Blaine’s lips. They look the same kissable pink they did a decade ago. 

“You can, if you want.” Blaine whispers, nodding his head as his eyes stay trained on Kurt’s lips. 

The consent warms Kurt’s whole body and he knows it means they are crossing a threshold neither man thought they’d get to. It means admitting that they still feel something for each other, maybe even still love each other. It means talking to Alex and trying to explain that daddy might not be alone forever. It means letting Blaine in enough to break his heart again–and each thought is scarier than the last, but as he leans in and his lips touch Blaine’s again for the first time in sixteen years, he knows it’s the right decision. He knows it was meant to be Blaine all this time and whatever comes after this, he knows he wants to try. 

But the moment he can feel Blaine’s arms wrapping around his waist in a touch so familiar it’s like he’s seventeen again, the moment is ripped away from them by Kurt’s son screaming as he and Adam walk into the apartment.

“Get off my daddy!” Alex yells with all the rage of a confused eight year old boy who doesn’t understand love and longing and heartbreak–only the understanding that he’s never seen anyone but his papa kiss his daddy and he doesn’t want anyone to replace him.

Kurt pulls away with a frown and tries to soothe his son. He can see Adam’s hands on Alex’s shoulders trying to hold him back, but it’s not enough and Alex rips away from his fathers’ grasps and stares Blaine straight in the face.

“You’re not my papa, Mr. Anderson. I don’t want you here.” Alex’s lips are formed in a frown and his arms are crossed over his chest and Kurt’s heart breaks for everyone in the room because he knows it’s the same stature Kurt held when Blaine admitted he cheated. 

“Alexander!” Kurt says scandalized. Never in his life has he heard his son be so mad and he understands that Alex is mad, but since the day they met, Alex has done nothing but idolize Blaine. How could things change so drastically? “Go to your room. Now.”

“But I–” Alex tries to defend himself, but Adam stops him. “You heard dad. Get up there.”

Alex grumbles, stomping his feet down the hallway like the angry little monster he was being. Kurt sighs, looking over at Blaine who looks near the brink of tears. Adam excuses himself to check on Alex and then the two men are left alone again–but it’s not a food fight or kissing against the counter anymore. It’s two men who used to love each other and are well on their way to loving each other again that have yet another obstacle in front of them.

Blaine picks himself and his broken heart up as he grabs his satchel from the couch. “I should go.”

“Wait, Blaine–” Kurt tries to stop Blaine, but the other man faces him with a look that screams just don’t.

“Please. Just go take care of Lex and–and tell him I said happy birthday and I hope he likes the cookies.” Blaine says and he’s out of the apartment before Kurt can say much else. That burning in his chest is back again and he doesn’t even have to feel it to know he’s crying. 

-

Blaine hasn’t spoken to him in weeks. Every text is left unanswered, every call is declined, every time he tries to confront him Blaine runs the other way. All of a sudden he understands how Blaine felt in those first few weeks of their breakup. He ignored every attempt Blaine made to apologize and at the time it was needed, but this feeling of the unknown was so crippling. He needs to know that Blaine knows he’s trying to make up for their problems–he wants to fix things and he wants to be with him. 

As a last ditch effort, he finally has the conversation with his son that needs to be had. He couldn’t do it three weeks ago when Blaine’s kiss was still so fresh and Adam did his best to punish their son for his cruel words (which was really only a week of no electronics because Adam was not usually the bad cop in their parent routine) because he just couldn’t. Kurt, Adam, and Alex just got back from a soccer game where their son scored the winning goal and Kurt knows it’s probably not the kind of conversation Alex wants to be having right now, but it’s needed.

Alex has just dressed into his pajamas because he hates regular clothes so much and he’s snuggled into his bed. Adam is leaning against the door frame silently while Kurt goes to sit next to his son. 

Alex frowns when he sees his fathers taking up his space. “What’s wrong?”

Adam smiles at his son and closes the bedroom door behind him. It’s not as if there’s anyone else in the apartment that could hear, but it provides a buffer for big conversations and allows a space for complete and total honesty–like the idea that whatever is said in the room doesn’t leave the room. It’s a safe space. 

“We need to talk about Uncle Bee.” Adam starts. Kurt asked him to lead them into the conversation because ever since the kiss, Alex hadn’t been his biggest fan and he was leaning on his papa a lot more lately.

Alex rolls his eyes. “Why?”

Adam tries. “Well, because it’s making your daddy upset. I know you think you know everything, but you don’t, so just listen to him, please.” 

“Fine,” the child grumbles, nodding at his other father to say his piece. 

Kurt takes a deep breath. It hurts him to speak about the past. It hurts him that he even has to have this conversation, but he knows if he and Blaine can ever have another chance, he has to do this–tears be damned. 

"Before your papa, Blaine was my boyfriend. You know that look a prince has when they see their princess for the first time? That's how I looked at Blaine when I met him."

"He was your princess?" Alex's head quirked to the side adorably. 

Kurt chuckles, explaining, "Well, no. Not exactly. He was more like my knight in shining armor. When kids were being mean and calling me names, he protected me because he's gone through it too. He became my best friend."

Alex interrupts again. "More than auntie Rachel or uncle Elliott?"

Adam laughs at their son and berates him softly. "You're not good at this listening thing, are you?"

Kurt answers anyway. "Yes, more than Rachel or Elliott. He was my very best friend, remember. We did everything together–had coffee, sang duets, went shopping–and he knew I liked him, but he wasn't ready yet. And then one day it was like a lightbulb turned on in his head and he kissed me. After that we were more than friends and we fell in love with each other." 

"Did you love him more than papa?" Alex mumbles and Kurt can't help but smile at him. He knows as quiet as Alex has been about the divorce it still upsets him that his dads aren't in love anymore. 

"Not more, not less. I loved them both." Kurt smiles as he looks back at his ex-husband who can only return a grin. "But anyway, we were together for over two years and we loved each other dearly, but when I came to New York, we sort of drifted and we both made some mistakes. I hadn't seen him since then until he became your teacher." 

"Do you still love him?" Alex asks with a sad look on his face. 

Kurt reaches for his son's hand and smiles warmly. "Yeah, I do, but I'm always gonna love you most. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, dad. I know." Alex replies somberly. The sadness in his tone makes his fathers frown, sitting on either side of their son as they sandwich him between them and wrap their arms around him. 

Adam is next to speak. "You know your dad and I will always love each other, but it's different now, Lex, and I see the way your uncle Bee looks at him. They deserve to try it out at least, don't you think?"

Alex shrugs. "I guess. I just… I don't want it to be different, papa. The rest of my friends' parents are still together. Why can't mine be too?"

Kurt sighs. He knew eventually the divorce was going to hit Alex. It just so happened to be the worst timing in the world. 

Adam replies. "I know it's hard when you're different from everyone else. But there's nothing wrong with having a blended family. My parents are divorced. Daddy has a dad and a stepmum. There's nothing wrong with being a little different." 

Alex throws his head back with a groan. "I just don't want things to change. I don't want another papa."

Kurt frowns, clutching Alex's hand in his own. "I'm not trying to replace papa. Blaine will never replace him. But I am in love with someone who isn't your father and you need to respect that I'm trying here."

"It's just so hard, dad. I like Uncle Bee, but I don't want him to become my dad too." 

Kurt brushes his son's hair back. "He's not gonna be. Grandma Carole isn't my mom, so it wouldn't be any different. He can still be just Uncle Bee. Besides, he hasn't said yes yet."

"Why not?" Alex scrunches his eyebrows together in the same way Adam always does, and really there's no denying their son is the perfect mixture of them both. 

Kurt shrugs. "He's worried about you. He doesn't want you to hate him."

"But I don't hate him!" Alex protests loudly, making Kurt shush him and cup the ear his son just yelled directly into. 

Adam laughs. "Well how is he supposed to know that?" 

"Because that's just like the truth, pa. He's my uncle. How do we change his mind, daddy? I don't want him to think that!" Alex asks his father. 

Kurt smiles at his ex-husband and then looks back at his son. "I have a plan if you're feeling up to the challenge."

"Wait, really?"

Kurt nods and Alex smiles, hugging his father and patiently waits until Kurt spills all on this special plan. He's going to fix this, whatever it takes. He does love his uncle Bee and if helping his dad will make them both happy, then he’ll do it. He may only be eight, but he does know what his dad looks like when he’s in love. 

-

Alex hated Kurt’s plan. It had no real movement and so Kurt wasn’t surprised when his son changed the whole thing. Turns out ambushing Blaine backstage at the school talent show was not Alex's idea of a win-your-ex-back foolproof plan. So here Kurt was standing backstage with a microphone in his hands. He was trying to shake away his nerves, but truth be told, he hadn't performed in a long time, much less played the piano. 

He feels tugging at his sleeve and looks down at his son who is standing there confidently but looking up at his father with worry. He can feel Adam standing behind him based on the clap he gets on his shoulder. 

"You okay, daddy? Nervous?" Alex asks. 

"Little bit. I haven't performed in a while, bug." Kurt answers, but Alex doesn't seem to agree. 

"No, you sing to me every night. I know it's not a big stage like papa does, but it's still singing and I like your voice, Dad. So will Uncle Bee." Alex sing songs like the child he is. 

Kurt laughs, brushing his son's curls back into place. "You're right. Go on with your friends. We'll get you when it's time."

Their son nods and skips over to the girl with red braids standing in the back. Kurt knows for a fact that Alex has a little crush on her, but he is nowhere near ready for the conversation of his child dating yet. 

Adam pops up. "Don't be nervous. I know I started dating you because you were hot, but I fell in love with you the first time I heard you sing." 

Kurt laughs, the tension floating away as he listens to his ex-husband. He's grateful that they've managed to make their little family work. He likes that they can be best friends and still crack jokes about their failed marriage. It feels normal for him, but he knows not everyone is so lucky to have this kind of relationship with their ex. 

Adam's fingers knead into his shoulders, massaging all the nerves he could away. He used to do this every time Kurt got stressed about a deadline or a problem with Alex. He knows if he's going to date Blaine that there will need to be boundaries eventually, but for now, he's taking all he can get. 

"What if he hates it? What if he thinks it's cheesy and stupid and I make a fool of myself in front of the whole city?" Kurt ponders aloud. His mind is racing, but Adam never lets him do that for long. 

Adam pulls his fingers away, finally facing Kurt. He has both hands on his shoulders, holding him steady so he can drill this point into his head. "You haven't been able to so much as listen to this song as long as I've known you. It holds a lot of importance to both you and Blaine. He's not gonna think it's stupid, honey."

Before Kurt can say much else or emphatically deny Adam's claims, he hears the principal announcing his entrance. 

"And now, before we start our program we have a special performance from the presidents of our PTA, Kurt and Adam Crawford-Hummel. Enjoy." 

Adam is pulling him onto the stage and he knows he has no choice but to follow. The spotlights are bright as he settles himself on a stool while Adam takes up residence at the piano. Alex is watching them in the wings, a microphone laid in his left hand while his right holds that redheaded girl's hand. But that's a whole other conversation that Kurt can't have right now for fear of nausea. 

Kurt takes a breath before he speaks. "Hello esteemed parents and faculty, family and friends. Firstly, Adam and I were honored to help sponsor this event. There is nothing we love more than this school and music, so it is with great honor that we put together a little song for you all to start this talent show off with a bang. Now don't start throwing tomatoes yet. At least wait until we're done."

The auditorium breaks into laughter and Kurt's eyes crinkle up with pride that people seem to be unbothered by their stage hogging. He looks over at Adam and nods, then those ghostly notes that have haunted him for almost two decades sweep into the vastness of the auditorium and he feels transported back to that karaoke bar, stuck to the seat of his chair with worry. 

"You think I'm pretty without any makeup on. You think I'm funny when I tell the punchline wrong. I know you get me so I let my walls come down, down. Before you met me I was alright, but things were kinda heavy. You brought me to life. Now every February, you'll be my Valentine, Valentine."

Kurt has to think about the lyrics really hard to censor himself. It's an Elementary talent show after all. "Let's just talk all through the night, no regrets. Just love. We can dance until we die. You and I will be young forever."

There's a little bit of laughter at the lyric change and then Kurt opens his eyes and they focus on a familiar face. Blaine looks sad as he sings on. Maybe it wasn't the right song to sing to him. After all, it had pretty bad connotations since the night of the breakup. But this song was also how they met and that memory seemed to matter more to Kurt than the last time he heard it. 

He looks straight at Blaine as he continues on to the chorus. "You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream, the way you turn me on. I can't sleep. Let's run away and don't ever look back, don't ever look back. My heart stops when you look at me. Just one touch and baby, I believe. This is real, so take a chance and don't ever look back, don't ever look back. I'll get your heart racing when you're here with me. Be your teenage dream tonight. Let you put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans. Be your teenage dream tonight."

Adam's playing slides off and Kurt smiles as the room erupts into applause. For just a second he remembers how fulfilled he used to feel performing and as much as he loved to sing, it always meant more when it was with Blaine. 

Adam speaks up from his microphone at the piano. "We have one more surprise if you'll entertain it for a second. As most of you know, Kurt and I are divorced and there's a lovely gentleman here in the audience that our son would like to ask a question to. Alex–"

Alex walks out into the lobby and makes his way in front of Blaine. A spotlight follows him as he gets down on one knee and Kurt can finally see Blaine's face. It's streaked with tears and for a second, he thinks he's fucked everything up. 

"Mr. Anderson, I'm really sorry for how I reacted to you and my Daddy kissing. I was just surprised, I guess. My daddy loves you very much and what I would like to ask is if you love him too." Alex says into his microphone. A lot of the audience is cooing and watching with rapt attention. It's probably the cutest thing Kurt's ever seen, but at the same time, he's sitting on the edge of his seat nervously awaiting Blaine's answer. 

Blaine sits up in his seat and takes the microphone from his nephew. "Yeah. I do love your dad."

Blaine is looking directly at Kurt as he says it and then Alex is pulling him up to the stage to join his parents. Blaine stands in front of Kurt awkwardly, his hands fidgeting in his pockets as Kurt raises the microphone back up to his lips. 

"I love you so much, Blaine. I've loved you for almost seventeen years. You make me feel so safe and protected. I loved Adam, but if I'm honest I think it didn't work out because my heart has always belonged to you. It always will, and I know you're scared of what it might mean to be together, but I just had to take a chance here." Kurt speaks. 

Tears are welling up in both their eyes and distantly they can hear the crowd chanting, but it isn't until Alex yells, "Kiss!" into his microphone that all pretenses fade away and Blaine leans in to kiss him. This time feels permanent. There is no questioning anything anymore. It's not a secret hidden in the depths of his kitchen. It's out here in the open, on stage in front of some hundred people, that they are kissing each other and at one time, Kurt never thought he'd be able to kiss Blaine in public. It feels like coming home. 

When they separate, it isn't their choice. But air is necessary. They pull away, leaning their foreheads against each other and the whole room is empty to them. All they see is each other as Blaine mumbles the words Kurt had been waiting his whole life to hear:

"I always knew you were the one."