Chapter Text
The rain was so heavy, one could barely see a foot ahead, even with the streetlights acting like makeshift lighthouses. The downpour and Ryan and Min-Gi’s hurried footsteps were the only sounds on the street as the two made a mad dash to the overnight parking lot. With another successful gig and a decent sized check under their wing, the two were laughing like crazy as they ran. Luckily, their instruments were safely tucked under various coats and sweaters -- though the same couldn’t be said for them, thoroughly soaked to the bone well before they got to their destination.
Ryan threw open the back of the van with a “come on, quick!” and dove in like he was in an action movie. There was a distant crash of cans being thrown around and a string of curses as the “open door” warning echoed through the street-side.
“Wait-- Ryan, don’t get my stuff wet!” Min-Gi responded with an out-of-breath chuckle as he gingerly slid his keyboard case inside and jumped in after him. He couldn't avoid knocking over a few things before pulling the doors closed behind him.
There was a moment or two of speechless silence as they both caught their breath, the tinny sound of rain hitting the van roof creating a comfortable atmosphere in the dark van. Ryan was leaning against the passenger seat, staring up at the ceiling with hair plastered to his face. They both looked ridiculous, Min reckoned, and the thought sent him back into hoarse laughter as he brushed the hair out of his own face.
“Dude-! That was amazing,” Ryan declared with a grin, failing to dry off his forehead with his already-wet sleeve. “We were like rockstars out there, the crowd loved us!”
Min got his senses in order enough to sit up and rummage around in their belongings for something to dry off with. Between the crazy night and the run, he was dizzy from exhaustion. “I’m so glad it went well. I think that was our best set yet!” he noted, pulling out a towel and burying his face in it. He heard Ryan fumbling around in the dark, presumably looking for one as well.
“I know, right! It was like... the lights - can I borrow that? - the lights were so bright, and the air was so electric? And sweaty? And the way the crowd cheered for us, it was just like.” Ryan stopped mid sentence to make a gesture with “boom!” to simulate an explosion. Min couldn't help his grin as he handed him the towel.
He was right; though the way he explained was very ‘Ryan’. It was an amazing night, and they were both reeling from the thrill of performing. They had played at a pretty well-off bar at some sort of event. Everyone working there was very understanding and pleasant, and the manager even said they should stop by any time. The crowd was manageable too, the job starting relatively early on a wednesday. The show itself was absolutely invigorating, nonetheless, and Min could still feel the buzz.
“After I fumbled that one chord I thought we were done for!” Min-Gi admitted, brushing out his hair with his fingers. “But you played it off so cool, it almost sounded better than the original?"
Ryan snorted, wrapping his hair in the towel and vigorously shaking it. “I can’t even remember you messing up- you made it sound so intentional, I just went along with it! You were so good out there!”
“So were you!” Min deflected, wringing out his shirt with a self-conscious smile Ryan couldn’t see. “The way you handled that solo was amazing, I could barely see your fingers with how fast they were moving!”
“Aw, stop. Just couldn’t keep your eyes off me, could ya?” Ryan said in a jokey tone, shaking his hair out like a dog. His huge smile was visible even through the slowly adjusting dark as he struggled to keep the hair out of his face.
Ryan was kidding, but that night he really couldn’t keep his eyes off him. It wasn’t a secret that Min hated crowds; even moreso, he hated being the center of attention. But when they were out there on stage? With his best friend? He didn’t even think about the people watching. He just looked back and forth between the keys and Ryan. The way he couldn’t stop moving, the sly winks he shot at the crowd and the over-dramatic poses he made while he played? The way he squinted at the strings and drew his eyebrows in concentration when he focused on a particularly hard segment, and the way he periodically glanced back at Min to make sure he was still alright? He was transfixing, and just remembering how they played tonight sent a surge of warmth through Min-Gi's chest all the way to his face.
But he couldn’t say any of that. So instead he offered an awkward little chuckle and a “yeah, right,” before turning away to hide his smile. Ryan laughed at that and shuffled to the far side of the van to rifle through his bag.
“Anyways, we sold like, what, three t-shirts tonight? And four tapes?!” Ryan listed with disbelief in his voice. “If you asked me, I’d say we’re well on our way to being famous!”
“Wait, did we really?” Min-Gi prompted. He removed his soaked jacket from his somewhat-dry keyboard case and tossed it in the corner. “I thought we sold five tapes!”
“No, no, no,” Ryan said from behind him, struggling with something. “It was - ack! - four tapes and one that I gave to that girl at the bar for free, right?”
Min-Gi rolled his eyes, shuffling through the clean clothes in his duffel. “I really don’t think she was an undercover talent scout, Ryan. I think she was just a fan of the music.”
Ryan gasped in mock offense. “You don’t know that! You didn’t see her eyes, they were like - razor sharp. Calculating. Like she was trying to - urg - dissect me like a bug with her gaze alone!”
“Like a bug?” Min repeated, unable to keep the smile out of his voice. There was a miniscule pause, only the shuffling of fabric breaking it, then they both erupted into laughter at the phrasing. Min-Gi could not pinpoint the cause of the hurt in his chest.
“Come on, Ryan, not every girl who looks at you a certain way wants to...” Min-Gi started, turning to face him, only to be met with a half-shirtless Ryan struggling to peel off his wet tee. There wasn’t much to see - though his eyes had adjusted to the low light, it was still pretty dark - but the dim yellow streetlight that came in through the front window helpfully illuminated his chest. The blush that immediately ran to Min's face must’ve been more than obvious, even in the dark, but he couldn’t make himself look away as he stumbled over his words. “To... To. Uh--”
“Hm?” Ryan turned halfway to see why Min stopped, only to catch his eyes. He grinned like an idiot, eyes crinkling at the corner. “What, like what you see?” Ryan asked innocently, shooting him a finger gun.
“Dude!” Min-Gi yelped, finally regaining his wits and whipping around, shielding his eyes with his hand. God, he must be red as a barn right now. “Can you- ugh, can you give a guy some warning before you start, like. You know!”
“Sorry, sorry,” Ryan apologized through his gigglefest. “Didn’t think it would be that big a deal.”
Min-Gi just huffed in exasperation, too caught up in his own mind to respond. Too caught up trying to think of anything other than the shape of Ryan’s chest, how quickly the image got seared into his mind. He looked great -- of course he did, it was Ryan after all. Min-Gi fidgeted with the strap of his bag restlessly as his mind swam. He pushed aside any less-than-optimal urges, the feeling familiar at this point. This was absolutely not the time for bad thoughts. Not when they were stuck in the van like this.
He was relieved when Ryan spoke up, pulling him out of his trainwreck of thoughts. He set those aside for breakdown fuel later.
“Soo... we’ll probably have to go by the laundromat tomorrow. Have a lot of dirty clothes anyways.”
The change of subject was more than welcome, and Min hummed in thought as he pulled out some sweatpants and a plain black t-shirt. “We should go tonight, so the wet stuff doesn’t get mildewy or whatever.”
Ryan grumbled at that, and Min-Gi could feel the complaints coming on. “But Min --”
“Yeah, yeah, I know you’re tired, but I don’t wanna wake up next to a pile of gross wet clothes."
“Ugh, fine. But I’m staying in the van!” Ryan relented with a huff. “I’m, uh, good now, by the way.”
Min shot an experimental peek over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t lying. Luckily, Ryan was fully clothed and cleaning his glasses on a dry t-shirt (one that Min was 200% sure he stole from him after he grew out of it). With a mental sigh of relief, Min sat cross-legged, only a thin blanket keeping him from touching the cold metal floor. He hadn’t realized how freezing he was until then, and shivered at the feeling. It was probably his turn to get into something not sopping wet.
“Cool. Hey, can you uh. Turn around, while I, uh.” Min held up his clothes to punctuate his request.
“Huh?” Ryan asked with a quirked brow, putting on his glasses to look at him. Then, recognition. “Oh, yeah, sure thing, dude.” He turned around to face the corner and shot a thumbs up to the side before tenderly taking his guitar out of its case.
“And no peeking!” Min added.
“No promises!” Ryan laughed softly, followed shortly by a “sorry, just kidding. Do your thing, Min,” as he plucked idly at his guitar.
Cute. Min-Gi rolled his eyes, hesitantly getting dressed while shooting constant glances to check that Ryan was indeed not watching. He shouldn’t be so concerned by this - they grew up together, they’ve seen each other like that at least a hundred times in one way or another. So why now? Why is it now that he was so embarrassed? Was it because they were alone? That it wasn’t as socially acceptable anymore from when they were gross pre-teens?
Oh, who was he kidding. Min-Gi knew the reason; he's had a couple dozen panic attacks over it before. Over Ryan. He can't pinpoint the exact time the "bad thoughts" started happening, but they've been plaguing him for so long, it felt normal at this point. The dreams, too, though he would never admit he thought about either of those for long. They were awkward, reflecting a deeply repressed part of Min-Gi that he had kept locked up for years. And for good reason, too. But recently, with him and Ryan back together and on the road? Living their dream? It was becoming harder and harder to ignore this weird feeling he kept getting whenever they were alone.
He knew what the feeling was, of course. He wasn't that much of an idiot. He recognized it in the way his old comics explained it. In the way his mom's soap operas portrayed it. In the way Ryan described his two-week crushes back in the day, and in the way Min-Gi pushed down the idea of being like them. But any time he hesitantly let the word enter his mind, his stomach started doing flips and he felt sick. Even now, as blush dusts his face at the mere thought of being close to Ryan, he can't bear to think of the word.
And of course he would never be able to say any of that. That would make it real. And then he would have a lot more to worry about than things like dirty clothes, finding meals and spacing out motel stays. Mapping out the most cost-efficient route, saving money for gas and getting to the next venue. That stuff was easy. Thinking about his feelings was hard. If only--
Wait, when did he stop playing?
Min-Gi, just about done and pulling down his clean shirt, stole a sideways glance to see Ryan just barely peeking over his shoulder at him.
“Hey-!” Min yelped, mortified and self conscious.
Ryan made a little “eep!” sound upon being noticed, quickly turning all attention back to his guitar, where he rammed out something similar to the guitar solo in a song that was playing before them in the venue. Albeit at a much higher tempo.
“Ryan, I saw that!” Min-Gi said, tone bordering on anger. Ryans shoulders tensed, and he looked over his shoulder fully to look at him. He cracked up when he saw Min-Gi's expression, which was probably rife with annoyance. Or distress.
“Look, you- snrk- you did it first! It’s only fair!” he defended with a giggle. He let the neck of his guitar fall to the unrolled futon at his side as the last notes he played hung in the air. “I'm sorry!”
“That was an accident! It’s just- you- ” Min-Gi stammered, at a loss for words. "Ugh, grow up!" He averted his eyes and scratched at the back of his neck to hopefully hide his red face. "How long were you looking for, anyways?!"
"Only a second, I swear!" Ryan exclaimed, scandalized and-- was he blushing too, now? "I promise! I didn't see anything, ok?"
"Ok, ok, just." Min-Gi hesitated, rubbing his eyes. "... Nevermind. It's cool."
A lull in conversation stretched on for what felt like way too long as Ryans snickers died out, replaced with the sound of a guitar being re-tuned. Min threw his and Ryans wet clothes onto the corner pile with a sigh. When he looked over, Ryan seemed to be hunched in on himself a little more than usual. Min-Gi hoped he hadn't hurt his feelings...
He probably should say something, he realized, lest things get actually awkward.
“Ok... What say we, uh, get our clothes done tomorrow?” he offered. “I'm, um. More tired than I thought.”
“... Alright. Sounds like a plan, dude,” Ryan replied, placing his guitar in its case and half-standing up to stretch. Min-Gi sat out of the way as Ryan clumsily rolled out the mattress. Which was a little funny, especially when he banged his elbow on the wall in the process.
“'Dude'? Best friends for almost twenty years, and you don’t even know my name,” Min-Gi joked to pad out the silence. Luckily, Ryan chuckled at that one, and Min couldn’t help his smile.
“Hmm, it's pretty - oof - assumptive of you to think you’re my best friend, Min-Gi,” Ryan retaliated, shooting him a mischievous grin. They had a laugh at that, both knowing the truth behind the joke without saying anything. It felt nice to fall so easily back into their rhythm. In a way, it felt more like home than Powell Lake did.
As they got the back of the van more comfortable -- pulling the blankets out from under the seats and such -- Min-Gi got more and more anxious about the night to come. The futon, while big enough to take up most of the floorspace in the back of the van, was still pretty small. And with all the thoughts that had been swirling in his head, he didn't know if he'd be able to sleep next to Ryan again.
The last few times they hadn't been able to get a hotel, he had slept horribly back there. One of the many downsides to living on the road. The first time they tried it, he chalked it up as general van-sleeping discomfort, but now he recognized it was Ryan-related discomfort.
Not that Ryan was uncomfortable to be around. Much the opposite, really. It was more, like... Ryan close-proximity related discomfort. And he wasn't sure what to do to fix it-- was there anything he could do? The idea of another sleepless night warding off strange impulses wasn't very promising after such a taxing night. He should probably fend that scenario off for as long as possible.
"Min?" Ryan said suddenly, snapping Min out of his thought process with a light tap on the shoulder. Min-Gi didn't enjoy the worried look Ryan sported when he looked up at him with wide eyes. "Oh- sorry, didn't mean to surprise you. Just wanted to know if you uh... wanted to work on some lyrics with me?" A tilt of the head. "You can, uh. Keep staring at the floor instead, if you want."
"Huh?" Min murmured, pinnacle of intelligent speech. "Oh! Sorry, sorry, uh-- I just. Think tonights adrenaline is fading," Min replied, giving his head a little shake as if that would derail his thought train. He tucked his duffel under his arm and shuffled over on his knees to take up his spot on the futon.
Ryan smiled. "Yeah, I know that feeling. I'm pretty sleepy." Ryan sat cross legged on the floor as he watched Min get comfortable, leaning against the van wall. "But if you're too tired, we can do it another time..."
Min-Gi recognized that tone of voice, Ryan was totally trying to corner him into a game of chicken. On one hand, the weight of the past few hours -- the past few days, even -- felt like it was crashing in on him, and he was starting to feel a little weary. But on the other hand, he already knew he was going to sleep terribly. Maybe if he stayed up a little longer, he'd be exhausted enough to pass out with no issue. Plus, he was never one to turn down a challenge.
So he let out a deep breath he hadn't noticed he was holding and mustered a reassuring smile. "No, no, it's fine. I've got a little more in me."
"You sure ?" Ryan asked innocently, stretching out the 'sure' with that stupid goading tone that made Min-Gi's stomach flip.
"Positive."
He could still feel Ryans eyes on him as he got comfortable, using his duffel as a back pillow and getting cozy under the blanket. "Ok. Where should we start?" he asked before he could change his mind.
Ryan grinned, and the unspoken game was on.
...
The next hour or two was a blur, and it was soon clear that the two were in way over their heads. Ryan kept himself awake by staying active; fidgeting with stray pencils, tapping out beats on any surface he could reach, sitting in a progressively weirder positions every couple minutes. And, of course, by talking. Luckily, Min-Gi's strategy to stay awake was to listen to Ryan's rambles. No matter how nonsensical, Min always found entertainment in how he carried himself when he talked about something he enjoyed. His genuine smile while he talked was so contagious, Min-Gi couldn't help but get swept up in his energy.
And so the night went on, barely any work getting done in that time due to their combined easily-distracted nature. By the time Ryan was anywhere near tiring himself out, Min-Gi could barely keep his eyes open. But he refused to be the first to call it quits.
"What about something like... wait, what was that chord progression you cooked up earlier?" Ryan was saying, lying on the futon in front of Min-Gi and propping his socks up on the center console's armrest.
Min-Gi hadn't moved much in this time except to slouch further into the corner, but there was an ever-growing pile of crumpled papers to his side and a worryingly scarce notebook to his right. "Which one? The C to F minor?"
Ryan squinted, chewing on the eraser of his unused pencil. "Uhh... how does that one sound again?" he asked, words blurring together as he struggled to keep himself awake.
Min flicked on his mini-synth and tapped out the chords one note at a time. The keyboard was way too bulky to bring out here.
Ryan shook his head, gesturing with the pencil as he talked. "No, no, no. It was before that one. It was like..." He hummed a couple notes that sounded like absolutely nothing to Min-Gi, which somehow caused him to start chuckling. "What?"
"Ryan, I have no idea which one you're talking about there," he admitted, hiding his smile with his hand. He only laughed harder when Ryan stared at him with a comically grumpy expression.
"No, come on, Min! It was like..!" He started humming again, slower, and it clicked for Min-Gi.
"Oh-! That's the, uhh." Min-Gi rapidly tapped out the simple E-F#m-C#m progression that he jotted down earlier, causing Ryan to jump back up to a sitting position with an excited point at Min-Gi.
"Yeah, that's it! What if we did a song that was like..." Ryan hesitated, then propped his head up in his hand with a huff. "Nevermind, that'd suck."
"Oh, come on. It can't be that bad," Min-Gi goaded, leaning forward just enough so Ryan could see his face. "No dumb ideas, Ry. And even if it is, I promise I'll only make fun of you a little."
Ryan snort-laughed at that. "Ok, fine... We could do a song... about a washing machine. Or a laundromat. Or something."
There was a moment of quiet as Ryan looked at Min-Gi expectantly. "... Wait, is that it?" he asked dumbly, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah!" Ryan chirped. "Well, no, I could go find the thing I wrote it down on. It's probably in this thing somewhere, uhh..."
Ryan leaned over to his side to fumble around for his notebook, mumbling to himself as he looked for it. Min watched him twirl his pencil as he flipped through the notebook, watched as he stuck his tongue out like he always does when he's tired but trying to concentrate. The dim light from the streetlamp through the window illuminated his face, catching his eyes really well, and Min thought that would make a good picture if he had a camera. A pretty good album cover, even. And he thought about the idea that Ryan decided to put his sleep on hold just so he could spend more time with Min, which sent warmth through his chest, and-- Stop staring at his lips, Min .
"Aha, found it!" Ryan nearly shouted, holding a crumpled receipt up triumphantly and waving it in Mins direction. "Read it and weep. It could work."
Min-Gi took it and squinted to read Ryans chicken-scratch through the dark. If they weren't both blind as bats by the time morning came, he'd eat his shoe.
"Hm... This is a bit too up-beat for a minor key progression like this, don't you think? And--" he stopped mid-complaint, doing a double-take at something written there. "-- wait, what's... Did you- Ryan, did you really think this thing about a scrunchie getting forgotten in the laundromat dryer would be something?"
There was a two second pause as they looked at each other. Then Ryans brain caught up with him. He startled at the question and launched up to grab for the receipt as Min held it out of his reach. He laughed so hard he worried vaguely that someone nearby would hear them. "Noo don't laugh, I thought I crossed that out! Min-Gi, give it!"
"No, no, this is good!" he assured through his chuckles, lightly batting Ryans hand away. "It's good, aside from that. I like the line about collecting quarters. And the coin-operated heart thing."
"... Wait, really?" Ryan sounded perplexed as he sat back on his feet with his hands in his lap.
"Mhm!" Min-Gi hummed earnestly. "We could, uh... rearrange some of these comparisons and make it like. Something that would fit a more somber tone, if that's ok."
Maybe it was the fact that it was way too late for either of them to be up, or maybe the fact that he wanted Ryan to be more confident about his ideas, but Min wanted to help come up with something he'd enjoy. He temporarily got lost in his own mind as he thought out loud.
"What if it was something like..." He tapped a hesitant melody out on his mini-synth as he haltingly came up with some filler lyrics on the spot. "Uhh. Left my heart on spin cycle... No, that's dumb. Lemme start over. Uh... oh- maybe something with being left behind for a newer model, that could be kinda cool? Or maybe something about the coin-operated heart being like... rusted from overuse?"
It was very quiet for a minute before Min-Gi looked up at his friend. Ryan was just... sat there, giving him an unreadable look.
"... What?" Min asked with a sleep-deprived laugh, tilting his head.
"Min-Gi, is this a love song?" Ryan questioned, leaning forward just barely to gauge Mins reaction.
"Uhh." There was a short pause as Min-Gi struggled to find a reason Ryan would ask that, scratching his neck awkwardly and looking at the floor. "I-I mean. It feels more like a break-up song than anything, but--"
"-- Min, in all the years I've known you, I don't think I've heard you thinking up lyrics for a love song before!" Ryan explained, grinning like he'd just discovered a secret. "Like, of course you've done backup for the lovey dovey songs I write, but It's always been so literal when you write something. What's up with that!"
"What do you mean?"
"Ok, ok. Remember back in secondary school? When we were trying out something different, and I said something about doing a song about 'matters of the heart'?" Min-Gi nodded at that, already knowing how this story went. As if he hadn't told it a million times. "You went out and borrowed an anatomy book from the library and, like. Sat there reading it for six hours!"
Min was chuckling now, embarrassed. "Hey-! In younger Min's defense, that song would've turned out awesome if you'd let me finish it. Veins and all."
Ryan made a wide gesture at that as if it proved his point. "That's what I'm saying!" He scooched forward, beaming. "That's why I like brainstorming with you, dude! You see things in such a literal way sometimes! You like to tell a story with your songs, and it's so..."
There was a pause here as Ryan struggled to find the right words. "... Weird?" Min-Gi supplied with an unsure squint.
"No, it's amazing, dude!" Ryan seemed so genuine in his compliment that it made Min's face warm up. "I'm always worrying about what I think would be popular, or trying to pull from past experiences! Your ideas are so unique, I wish I knew how to do that." Ryan sighed, looking away. "Hence the washing machine."
Something about how defeated Ryan sounded made his smile falter. Min-Gi thought for a moment, then nabbed the notebook from the floor and flipped to a new page. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish I could write love songs like you do. I always fall short, or get too weirded out to go on."
Ryan perked up at that with a snort. "Wait, how many times have you tried? Are you keeping a vault of super-secret Min songs from me?"
That made Min-Gi hesitate, despite his obviously joking tone. He had, a couple times, tried to write love songs. But he lost that notebook forever ago. Which was probably for the best; there was a lot of embarrassing material in there he didn't want Ryan to know about. A lot of personal notes and diary entries that would probably ruin their friendship.
"Not really!" Min-Gi deflected in a very convincing manner. He avoided Ryans eyes by transcribing the receipt in a legible manner. "How do you write like that, anyways? Don't you get embarrassed?"
Ryan hummed in thought, tapping on his knee. "I... don't really get embarrassed anymore! I used to, way back when, but that was before I had a couple of relationships to reference, I guess."
Oh. Right. Min-Gi ignored the pit of jealousy in his stomach and focused harder on his notes. He had started writing down those vague lyric ideas he had thought up earlier.
"But, uh, to answer your question, I usually kinda. Think of something or someone specific and go from there? Straight from the heart. Things we did, things we should've said, et cetera. That usually helps get the words flowing."
Min-Gi scoffed at that. He realized a bit too late how rude that might've been and winced at his impulsiveness. "Sorry. You uh... you mean like that girl from the bar?"
Ryan rolled his eyes, crossing his arms with a frown. "Stop bringing her up! I mean like special people who I've known for a while. People I know the names of. I don't think she was even into guys, honestly."
There was an odd silence aside from the rain pattering against the van roof and his pencil when Ryan didn't go on. For a second, Min-Gi worried he'd upset him again. Then, there was the sound of fabric rustling and a weight on the cheap mattress. "Scooch," Ryan said, poking his side.
Min-Gi startled, moving to give him more space on his right. "Ryan?"
"I wanna see what you're focused so hard on!" he said, using Min's shoulder as a brace as he sat down next to him. "Can I see?"
Min-Gi hesitated, unsure of what to say before tilting the notebook for him to see. He was suddenly very aware of how close Ryan was, and he felt very awkward about the whole ordeal.
Ryan leaned in closer to read it, using a hand to steady the notebook and bringing it closer to his face. This was too close for comfort. It was silent as he read what Min had written, and he could almost feel Ryans breath on his knuckles. Min-Gi spared a glance to gauge his expression, and lost his breath when it actually dawned on him how close he was. Close enough that he could probably count Ryans eyelashes.
Ok, play it cool. Just don't do anything stupid until he's done reading. And stop looking at him like a creep, maybe.
He looked away, used to this rational voice, and brought his attention back to the notebook. But the words got all jumbled together when their shoulders brushed, and he felt dizzy with how hard his chest ached. Ryan didn't seem to notice -- why would he? -- and blew a strand of hair out of his face as he read. It hurt Min how even the most simple actions Ryan made were enough to make his breath stop, enough to make his whole body feel warm and tingly like it was now, enough to make him wish this moment would stretch on for just a minute longer.
Then, all of a sudden, Ryan was gone as he leaned back and away from Min. He took the warmth with him. "That's good, dude! It's good for a rough draft," Ryan approved, smiling. "I was worried it would be hard to pull off, but--"
"How do you just do that?" Min-Gi blurted out before he could even think about it. It took him a millisecond to register that as his voice, but by then, it was too late. He flinched hard, gripping the notebook hard when Ryan raised an eyebrow at him.
"... Do what, come up with constructive criticism?"
Min-Gi had never heard his heart thump this loudly before. "... Nothing! Nevermind, it was. Really dumb. What was that about the..?" He trailed off, hoping Ryan would pick it back up and spare him some embarrassment.
Ryan tilted his head to the side like a cat, confused. "No, what were you gonna say? You said it yourself; no dumb ideas!"
Min's hand clenched at his side. His face felt hotter than the sun, he just hoped the dark would make it harder to see. He let out an awkward laugh, dropping the notebook in bus lap and burying his face in his hands so he wouldn't have to look at Ryans face. Because he knew that once he started talking, he wasn't going to stop. "I just. Asked how you can just... do things like that. Be next to someone without being. Weird."
"Hm? What do you mean, weird?"
Min-Gi took a deep breath, steeling himself. "You're always so... good at knowing where you are. You- it's, like. Easy for you to just... get close to people. Physically." He backtracked quickly upon realizing his slip: "As in-! Proximity! Sitting next to me! I don't mean like, as in. Like. You know--."
Ryan giggled a little outside his vision, cutting him off. "I know what you meant, Min. What are you asking?"
"... I guess what I'm. Trying to say is." Just go out and say it, man, you're in too deep as it is. This is what the train told you to learn, isn't it? "Don't you ever feel like... scared? Or awkward? When you... when someone accidentally looks at you shirtless? Or- or when you sit really close to someone, and you're. An inch away from them, or accidentally touching their hand. Don't you ever feel embarrassed by that?"
There was a short pause as Ryan hummed, and Min-Gi felt like he was going to melt a hole right through the van if Ryan didn't say something. He should not have said that. He should have kept that to himself and rolled it into a stupid metal ball and let it sit in his mind forever.
"... Not around you?" he started, and that made Min-Gi's heart drop to his stomach. Ryan must have noticed his demeanor, because he quickly elaborated. "By which, I mean that I trust you, dude. I mean- after so long, it'd be impossible not to. I know you'd never make fun of me, or push me away. But I... thought you'd like. Trust me enough to say something if I ever did something to upset you, y'know?"
The lump in Min-Gi's throat threatened to choke him up if he didn't say anything, but he couldn't make himself dig a deeper hole than he was already in, so he stayed quiet. Ryan shifted beside him; he could hear the shuffling of fabric as he fidgeted with his shirt hem.
"... Do I scare you, man?" Ryan asked, voice softer than usual. "Is that why you're asking? Wait-- is this about the clothes thing? Because I swear, I really didn't see anything, and I'm sorry if that made you awkward. I won't do it again."
"... No." Min-Gi cleared his voice out, guilty over making Ryan second-guess. He kept his face covered in his hands as he spoke, so he wouldn't have to make eye contact again. "No, it's. Not being scared like that , Ryan. You just make me..." Deep breath. "Weird. And nervous. The... the way you're so. Unabashedly you ? It... hurts? Yeah. It hurts."
Another unbearable pause. "Soo, I'm... hurting you by being... myself?" Ryan shifted in his seat, letting out a dry laugh. "You know there's not much I can do about that part, Min-Gi."
"No, no, no," Min-Gi groaned, heart racing as Ryan misread his intentions again, and he knew he wouldn't understand in a million years if he kept beating around the bush, so he just-- "It's not a bad hurt, it's not a bad awkwardness, I just. It's so hard not to fall head over heels for you when you're always right there!"
And it was out.
The weight of his statement hung heavy in the silence that followed it, and Min-Gi wished he could just curl up into a ball and die right there so he wouldn't have to hear Ryan say that he didn't feel the same. He didn't want to be there when Ryan kicked him out, told him he was disgusting, or when he said he never wanted to even look at Min-Gi again, he wished he hadn't given up everything to chase Ryan across the country like this, he--
"Min. Can you look at me?" Ryan's voice said, quiet and unreadable. All the terrible thoughts in his mind crumbled at once. Min-Gi shook his head, afraid to see his face. There was a shuffling sound to his side, but the thumping in his ears drowned it out and made him dizzy.
Then, he winced when two of Ryan's hands found his. Ryan sighed, gave them a soft pat and slowly (gently) pulled them all away from his eyes.
Ryan wasn't at his side anymore -- when did he move? He was sitting on his knees in front of him now. He could feel Ryan's hands shaking. Was he scared of him, now?
"There. All good, see?" Ryan held onto Min-Gis hands as he spoke, rubbing little circles into the back of them.
"Sorry," was all that Min could get out, making himself look down towards his lap. Anywhere that wasn't Ryans face. "Sorry."
"Stop that," Ryan said, shaking his head and freeing a hand to pull a strand of hair away from Min's face. Everywhere their skin met felt like an electric shock, but Min couldn't find it in him to move away. He was frozen like a statue. "Look at me?"
Min-Gi looked at him. It was the first time he met his eyes since he accidentally saw him changing. He didn't look disgusted, or hateful, or scared or hurt. He just looked... concerned. His eyebrows furrowed like whenever he focused too hard on hitting all the right notes in his solo.
Then, Ryan smiled warmly, eyes crinkling in the corners. "I'm gonna kiss you now, if that's ok with you."
Mins heart stopped in his chest. Then, his face surged with warmth, and all the words flooded back into his brain again. His mouth suddenly couldn't contain the insurmountable relief he felt, so he stammered fruitlessly: "Yes-! I-I mean, you don't have to if- if you don't want to, it's. It's ok if you don't want-- I don't want to make you--"
Ryan rolled his eyes, chuckling, and then their lips met. And everything made sense again.
It wasn't a long kiss, nor a perfect one. But Min-Gi felt the heat rise through his chest as he kissed him back, mind overwhelmed with emotions impossible to put into words. Ryans hand was cupping his cheek so gently, and Min-Gi found that he didn't have a single bad thought during the kiss.
Then Ryan pulled away, eyes practically shining, and they both just... broke down into simultaneous laughter. Min-Gi lurched forward and wrapped his arms around Ryan in a hug, nearly toppling them both over in the process as they fit together like a puzzle. Ryan hugged him back, tight and secure and safe as he buried his face into Min's shoulder.
"I'm-- Do you know how long I was waiting to do that? How many times I'd thought about it?!" Ryan admitted, grinning ear-to-ear. "I thought you'd never catch on!"
Min-Gi pulled back, holding onto Ryans forearms as if he'd lose him if he let go. "Wait, wait, wait, what's that supposed to mean?" he demanded, eyes blown wide. All that did was make Ryan laugh harder, resting his forehead on Min's chest now. "No, what did you mean! Catch on to what!"
"Min-Gi, I've been flirting with you for weeks!" Ryan looked up at him, hands held onto Min's like a lifeline, close to tears. "What, did you think I was just joking around all this time?"
Something clicked in Min's mind, and all the pieces from the past few months fell into place. "Oh, no," he said quietly, and Ryan clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter, smiling from his eyes. " God, Ryan, I am such an idiot ," he went on, letting out a groan and cringing at his own clueless blunder.
"I'm sorry!" Ryan said, leaning forward to rest his forehead on Min-Gi's shoulder. He was practically sitting in Mins lap at this point, but if either of them noticed, they didn't say anything."I'm so sorry. I- I should have just told you, but I kept flaking out at the last second..!"
"I'm sorry too! I should have said something sooner, but..." Min-Gi trailed off. High off the adrenaline of the night, he sighed with a fond smile and let his hand play with his hair. "... well, you already know." Ryan picked his head up, leaning in ever closer and staring up into his eyes.
Min gulped, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. "Can you, uh." He cleared his throat. "Can we do that again?" Min-Gi asked, quiet and nervous. The smile that spread across Ryans face was bright enough to rival the sun.
"As many times as you want, Min."
And the second kiss was infinitely better than the first. It was gentle: Min was the one who initiated it, after all. Calculative and measured, yet hesitant in its nature. But it quickly grew in depth as Ryan kissed him back. Firm and sure and passionate and so full of love, Min-Gi felt his whole body heat up a few degrees.
...
The rest of their night didn't even feel real. They sat next to each other, never once letting the other go. A constant pressure of a held hand, a gentle bump of knees, a kiss to the others knuckles. An arm comforting around a shoulder, a thigh gently pressed against the other as if to say "I'm still here". They couldn't stand one second without some sense of touch.
And with a renewed sense of alertness, they talked and talked about everything that got them stuck in this scenario. Even as the sunrise turned the dark ambience of the van to nostalgic orange-yellows, they kept each other awake with embarrassing anecdotes they couldn't have told before. Every time Min-Gi tried to bring up the "what are we" question, Ryan shut him down and told him they would figure it out another time, when they weren't operating on minimal hours of sleep and when they weren't so comfortable lying next to each other.
Aside from that, Min-Gi ended up Ryan everything he wanted to say. Well- not quite everything. He wasn't sure if he could bring himself to say the L-word, yet. Though with every fibre of his being he felt it.
Their game of chicken ended as a tie, Ryan would argue, when Ryan eventually trailed off mid-sentence and fell asleep in Min-Gi's arms. This moment marked an invisible push-pin, an unspoken dot that separated every event they'd experienced together into a "before" and "after".
And, despite everything, it was probably the best that Min-Gi had slept in years.