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Memories still float in through the cracks when Allison least expects them. She is consistently surprised to be surprised. She shouldn’t be — Allison knows about missing people. She knows about the delicate balance to be found between being angry with someone and feeling the hollowness of their absence.
She feels it now, staring at the fucking Auntie Anne’s booth at Upstate Regional. Her mind fills in the blank space with Seth, a small smile forming around the pretzel he has shoved in his mouth, laughing at something silly she’d said. It had been a good day in a good stretch — one of those moments that made her think they could last.
Turns out she’ll never know if they could’ve. It doesn’t matter now.
“He’s going to kill you if he catches you,” Matt says, drawing Allison’s eyes away from the ghost. Dan has her little silver digital camera out, the one Allison bought her — one of her first, painful attempts at friendship after the brutality that had been their freshman year. She’s pointing it at Andrew and Neil. They’re still at the gate, standing inches apart from one another in their matching coats.
“Neil wouldn’t let him,” Dan says smugly. There’s a click as she takes the picture, then she sighs. “As weird as it is, it’s nice to see them both open up to someone.”
“Neil opens up to me,” Matt says with a frown. Renee squeezes his shoulder in agreement, but none of them point out the obvious — getting anything out of Neil is like pulling teeth. Or crawling through a rose bush. Or getting your eyebrows threaded. There’s nothing open about that kid.
On top of that, Neil has danced around Allison like a skittish animal since Seth’s death. The contrast is striking against the sharp mouth he uses to antagonize the Ravens, against the pillar of fearlessness he is when he stands up to Kevin’s panic. There’s a part of Allison that tries to enjoy his helplessness around her. It’d be easy to blame him, Allison thinks. It’d be easier to have a clear target. But Allison has too much practice in the nuance of hate. She knows too well how difficult it is to predict every consequence of every action.
“Hmm,” Allison says, cocking her head as Andrew looks out the window again. Neil watches Andrew for another moment before Nicky calls his name, rounding them all up to head for Starbucks. Allison looks over her shoulder as she follows and notices that Andrew is watching Neil walk away. He’s got the same indifferent expression on his face as always, but it’s enough that he is looking to spike Allison’s interest. It’s a shiny new thought, a curiosity, a colorful circus performance of an idea — it’s just what she needs to cut through the fog that’s been rolling through her mind all morning.
Andrew’s eyes flick over to hers, still unbothered, but Allison can’t help but feel like she’s got one over him this time. She smiles wide at him, and he immediately turns away.
Allison falls in step with Matt at the back of the group, throwing an elbow into his waist. He looks down at her in interest, a reliable partner in gossip-crime. She smirks at him.
“How about a new bet?”
The concept briefly loses its splendor when Andrew’s fingers are around Allison’s throat. Renee is there, but Allison can’t pay attention to her touch. She’s focused on the fact that she physically cannot get air, oh shit, inhale inhale inhale. She’s focused on Andrew spitting out tense German. The words aren’t for her, she doesn’t speak German, but she catches a harsh snip of Neil’s voice in reply, and fuck, please, Josten, work your fucking Minyard voodoo. Inhale inhale inhale, there’s nothing to inhale — until suddenly there is air. She swallows it too fast and chokes it back up. There’s still hands on her, but they hold instead of hurt. They pull her away and pull her close. There’s soothing words and distant yelling and Allison sways in someone’s arms until it stops, until the black spots clear from her vision, until her chest stops heaving.
Matt lets her go immediately when she leans away, though he keeps a steadying hand on her elbow. She blinks a few times and looks around, surprised to find that she’s been led back to her own poor, wrecked car. Ugh. Fucking sports fans.
It’s just Matt, Dan, and Renee here now. Renee is watching Allison closely, arms crossed and a forced calm over her face. Matt is frowning, and Dan is seething.
“I’m going to kill him,” she snaps. Allison follows Dan’s gaze across the lot to where the monsters still hover around their car, Neil glued to Andrew’s side. She snorts, even though it makes her throat burn.
“Neil wouldn’t let you,” she coughs out. Dan shoots Allison an unamused glance.
There’s cops and questions and tow trucks. Then there’s Coach and the little shits, asking about lunch. Allison glares at Andrew as he stares off into space. She’s got half a mind to antagonize him again — she’d like to see how he fares against her when he loses the element of surprise. She’s got nearly a foot on him, and plenty of experience showing men their place.
Neil’s eyes slide between the two of them, calculating and hard. Eventually, their teammates put in a lunch order, and Wymack leaves them with one less Minyard.
Neil meets Allison’s stare, and his hackles rise. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, a wild look in his eyes. Allison sighs, but only internally. One day she’s going to be able to see the reasoning behind Neil’s actions, but today is not that day.
However, today is a day where she owes him something.
“Thank you,” she bites out. The words feel tacky in her mouth.
“I’m sorry,” Neil blurts in response, and, ah, hello to a far more familiar pain constricting her chest. She lets the wave of grief roll through her as she holds Neil’s eyes, lets Andrew’s theory wrap around her neck just like his fingers had. She hates them both. She hates them all. She hates how she gets no satisfaction from the guilt in Neil’s eyes.
Dan steps up into Captain Mode, chewing out Nicky because he’s the only one in that group that makes a satisfying punching bag. Matt tries to get Neil to explain how Andrew ticks, but Allison knows it’s a useless endeavor. Neil doesn’t have the vocabulary to explain his own fucked-up-ness, let alone Andrew’s. The two of them speak a whole different language.
Later, Allison goes to Neil’s room and lets him off the line. It hurts. It feels like progress.
The bruises on her neck have healed when Neil joins Andrew and Renee on one of their water break walks around the inner court.
“Oh my god, look,” Allison whispers, interrupting Matt and jerking her head toward the court. Dan and Matt glance over, eyebrows raising in unison.
“You’d better be careful,” Dan says, frowning. Allison waves her off — Andrew’s never cared about gossip, and she’s done touching his things.
“You’re the one who always said it meant nothing that Andrew and Renee walked together,” Matt accuses Allison. “Why is this different?”
“Because Renee said it meant nothing,” Allison says. “Duh. Also, ew.”
Renee’s always been cagey about Andrew, but she’s consistently clear on this front. Allison will take her word, if only because the idea of Renee settling for someone that cold makes her insides curdle.
Neil, however, has never sought out warmth from the rest of the Foxes. He shies away from their attempts at affection every time. And Allison knows Andrew is terrible, knows he literally tried to kill her. She knows he’s utterly unlikable.
But Seth’s ghost is near the far goal, hurling shots until he gets angry enough to punch the wall. Until he’s whipping around to find a face to connect his fist with. So, yeah, Allison’s always thought there was someone for everyone — even for the world’s most unlikable.
“I don’t see it,” Matt says with a frown.
“I wish I didn’t see it,” Dan concedes.
That evening, when Neil disappears off again with Andrew’s crew, Allison draws Renee into a bet that evolves into three. She keeps track of the positions in the back of her planner.
#1: Is Andrew gay?
For: Allison, Dan
Against: Matt
Abstained: Renee
“It would make sense,” Dan says. “I think he might hate women, actually.”
“He doesn’t hate me,” Renee counters.
“Okay, then side with me!” Matt begs.
“I don’t bet on people’s sexualities.”
#2: Is Neil gay?
For: Allison, Dan, Matt
Against: Renee
“Um, Renee?” Allison asks. “Hypocrite much?”
“I consider this one already resolved,” Renee says, crossing her arms. “Neil has told us multiple times that he’s not gay.”
“Yeah, but what if he’s gay for Andrew?”
#3: Are Neil and Andrew fucking?
“I’m abstaining if you phrase it like that.”
“God, fine, Renee.”
#3: Are Neil and Andrew fucking romantically involved?
For: Allison, Renee
Against: Matt, Dan
“Let’s get this straight,” Allison says, turning to Dan with a wink. (Pun intended, bitch). “You think they’re gay for each other, but that they’re not together?”
“I don’t know,” Dan says with a frown. “I just can’t imagine them, like, holding hands.”
“Romance looks different for everyone,” Renee says. Matt rolls his eyes.
“Maybe so,” Matt says, taking Dan’s hand. “But Neil deserves better.”
Allison has heard that one before. She thinks of every single person who said those words about her until Seth believed them himself. It’s not Matt’s fault for thinking this way. It’s not anyone’s fault, really — broken people have sharp edges. Getting close to them is a messy affair, and no one likes to see their friends get hurt.
But Allison watches Neil put a hand in front of Andrew’s face, bringing Andrew back from rage that almost has him lunging at his own brother, and she thinks maybe Neil’s got tough enough skin that he can handle Andrew’s most jagged parts.
She watches Neil dart away from the mid-court celebration of his own goal in favor of trotting back to clack sticks with Andrew, and she thinks maybe he’s nimble enough to crawl through the cracks and find something in Andrew that the rest of them can’t see.
She watches Andrew allow Neil to smack Kevin in the head — Andrew’s most precious property — without consequence. She hears Andrew cut off Kevin’s answering threat with a warning, and she locks eyes with Dan, wagging her hand toward the display. Dan only frowns, but Allison thinks that maybe Neil isn’t the only one putting in work.
Kevin stews for a good hour after he and Neil finish bickering in French. He’s still talking about Binghamton's defensive line, explaining and analyzing with an annoyed tilt to his mouth. He sends an irritated glance toward the back of the bus every once in a while. There, his runaway protege is hanging over the back of his seat to talk to Andrew.
“I think it’s time to loop you three into the new bets,” Allison says, interrupting Kevin. He glares at her, but Nicky leans in conspiratorially.
“Do tell,” he whispers.
“Allison is convinced Andrew and Neil are fucking,” Matt says, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, come on,” Aaron gripes, feigning throwing up.
“That’s not the bet,” Renee reminds them with a smile.
“That’s ridiculous,” Nicky sputters.
“Tomato, tom-ah-to,” Allison says, pulling her planner out of her purse. “There’s three bets, actually. Let’s discuss.”
#1: Is Andrew gay?
For: Allison, Dan
Against: Matt, Nicky, Aaron
“As the resident gay, I think I would know if my own cousin liked men,” Nicky says, sniffing in offense. “Gaydar is a thing.”
“I literally could not care less about this.”
Abstained: Renee, Kevin
#2: Is Neil gay?
For: Allison, Dan, Matt, Nicky
Against: Renee, Aaron
“He’s not gay,” Aaron snaps. “Remember Marissa?”
“Dude, that’s exactly why he’s gay,” Nicky counters. “‘I wouldn’t call you.’ Even I knew Marissa was hot, and Neil shrugged her right off. He’s not attracted to women. He’s repressed.”
Kevin scoffs.
Abstained: Kevin
#3: Are Neil and Andrew fucking romantically involved?
For: Allison, Renee
Against: Matt, Dan, Nicky, Aaron
Abstained: Kevin
“Thank you,” Dan says to Nicky and Aaron, smirking at Allison.
“We’re with them, like, all the time,” Nicky says. “I think we’d have noticed if they were fucking.”
“That’s not the bet,” Allison says before Renee has to. Renee smiles at her appreciatively, and Allison grins back. The group devolves into hushed argument, none of them wanting to draw the attention of Andrew and Neil. Allison just keeps smiling while they try to convince her she’s wrong. She lets her eyes wander to the back of the bus, where Neil is slumped over the seat. His head is resting in his arms, the lines of his shoulders relaxed, displaying an ease no one else on Earth has around Andrew fucking Minyard, not even his own family. Not even his pet Kevin Day.
She sees the ghost of Seth hunched in one of the empty seats, hood over his head, earbuds in to block out the rest of the team’s conversation. He catches her eye, grimaces, and reluctantly pulls one of his earbuds out in offering.
She keeps her good mood through the admittedly brutal game, through their win, through waiting for Neil to finally finish showering. It’s icing on the fucking cake when Neil steps close to Andrew, his voice just loud enough to carry — “Thank you, you were amazing,” he says, and Andrew’s whole body goes rigid. Allison shoots Matt a wicked grin, and he only shakes his head in shock.
But Allison should have known that a good mood is never forever. She didn’t expect the crash to be this severe, though. No one did.
There’s a riot.
Neil is gone.
Allison has a black eye and bruises on her arms, but her hands go to her neck when Andrew closes his fingers around Kevin’s throat.
It’s hard to keep much straight in the intervening hours. They worry and dread and circle around the worst. They listen as Kevin fleshes out a darker story of Neil’s past than they could’ve feared. They cower from Andrew as he barks and shreds and bites like a wild dog.
Coach gets a call that makes the world stop, and they drive to Baltimore in near silence. Andrew keeps his cool until FBI agents threaten to keep Neil away, then he’s feral again. He leaves the motel room handcuffed to Wymack.
“They took him from you,” Andrew said to her the day of Seth’s funeral. His words were mocking, his smile unbearable and dark. “Now, you have to give them hell.”
No one is taking Neil. He looks lost when he finally walks into the room, eyes searching, searching, searching until Andrew fights his way through the door and takes hold of Neil.
“You aren’t going anywhere,” Andrew says, drawing Allison and the rest into the fight. (They’re good at fighting. And lately, they’re good at winning.)
No one is taking Neil, and Andrew’s going to make sure of it. He’s going to do what Allison couldn’t. So she covers every bit of fear and anger and grief she’s felt in the last twenty-four hours with her newest, favorite distraction. It’s extra shiny, because she was officially right.
“No, thank you,” Allison says, waving off Neil’s choked gratitude for their bare minimum act of wanting him. “You just closed three outstanding bets and made me five hundred bucks.”
The room erupts as the Foxes puzzle together the obvious, but Allison doesn’t care. Neil is safe. No one is taking him away from them. In this, she trusts Andrew wholeheartedly.
In the mountains, they experience true team bonding. Dan and Kevin are angry with each other, but they’re maintaining silent civility. Everyone else is desperate to put the past week behind them.
Allison finds an unlikely ally in Nicky — or maybe less unlikely than she would’ve thought. They rally their respective troops into drinking games and embellished stories and hot tubbing. Neil drinks with Andrew, which is interesting but not nearly as shocking as everyone makes it seem. Eventually, he’s able to drag Andrew over to the larger group, where he takes up post on the ground by Neil’s chair.
Andrew doesn’t contribute to the conversation. Allison’s not dumb — she knows he’s only here because he’s choosing proximity to Neil over his distaste for the rest of the team. That’s the only reason he bought into the trip in the first place.
She looks down, and in her mind she sees Seth sitting between her legs, palms resting loosely on the backs of her calves. He stares into the distance as Allison chats with her friends, interjecting every once in a while with a rude comment that makes Allison snort and everyone else groan. His warm palms run down her legs and squeeze at her ankles, and the gesture is so softly him that it fills her chest and combats the cool mountain breeze and the setting sun. She blinks, and he’s gone. (He’s gone. Simple as that.)
Renee bumps her shoulder against Allison’s and smiles. Allison smiles back.
In a few weeks, she knows, they’ll take on the Ravens and Riko Moriyama in the championship game.
For now, Allison looks around at her team. There’s no one else she’d rather be on her side to give them hell.