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Hange’s eyes open, their eyes flickering to the idle device nearby. They reach for it, hoping to see another message from her, hoping that the last few weeks were all some sick hallucination and that she could come running back, arms wide as her petite figure fell into Hange’s.
Rubbing their eyes once more, Hange drags their feet to the kitchen, opening the fridge and scoffing at the two last items staring back at them. Milk and honey, what an ironic reminder, Hange thinks. Milk, prone to becoming rotten if left alone for too long, and honey, always sweet, always loved. Almost like the two of them were.
Hange mixes the two, enjoying the way the honey dances in the milk, before melting completely, becoming one as they placed the cup to their lips, taking their shared journey as one.
Their shared bedroom lies empty, the ghosts of their love still waltzing inside as Hange refuses to open the door. Their loved ones and the police did tell them to heal, to move on, to leave the shadows of the past behind, but it was too much. Impossible, and Hange felt that none of them understood the aching gap left in their heart.
“It’s heartbreaking, but you have to move on.” Erwin would say, offering a glass of wine to Hange, who would always shun it. She never liked it when they got drunk without her.
“She could still come back.” Hange would reply, leading to a shared look between Erwin and Levi, very clearly keeping their real opinions to themselves.
“If it makes you feel better.” Is all Levi says, and the topic ends there.
Hange looks around the living room, their mind suddenly coming alight. The walls were bright green, and she spent months trying to convince them to change the walls to a yellow-white colour.
“Like Venus.” She would say, kissing the tip of Hange’s nose.
“Why Venus?”
“It’s the planet of love, their surface as temperamental as our relationship, idiot.” She’s playfully replies, nuzzling into their shoulder, their messy black hair almost covering their entire face.
“Ah, so Venus wishes they had what we have?”
“Exactly.”
“I love it when you talk science. It turns me on so fucking much.” Hange laughs, their arms lacing her waist.
“Hmm.” She mumbles, placing open mouthed kisses on their neck before dragging Hange upstairs. “Why don’t you show me just how much.”
Hange rushes to the store, their fingers tapping on the wheel, not wanting to stay away from home for too long. She could come back at any moment, they had to be there, waiting to greet her.
Finally home, they threw on a pair of old dungarees, one that she once brought Hange in the hopes of getting them to paint the living room. It’s a brilliant idea, Hange thinks. They’d paint the house so she could come back. This was her home after all, with them.
The door knocks as Hange starts to move the furniture around. Hange’s heart pounds as they run to the front door, paintbush still in one hand as they swing the door open, only to be greeted by a rather worried looking Erwin.
“Hange.” He starts, slowly stepping inside. “I’ve been quite worried about you, you haven’t been picking up any calls.”
“Erwin.” They sigh, their voice laced with annoyance. “I told you to stop calling me. What if I miss her call?”
Erwin stops, not knowing the right words to say. He was torn, wanting to snap reality back into his best friend, but not wanting to shatter their heart anymore. It was a slippery slope, a two way road placed right on Hange’s heart, and Erwin could do nothing but comfort them.
He places his arm on a frantic Hange’s shoulder, who was babbling on about how she always wanted a chandelier in the room, and whether it would be too soon to get one.
“Hange.” Is all Erwin says, his solemn eyes boring into theirs.
“Don’t even start, Erwin. Please don’t.” Hange throws the paintbrush to the side, their voice cracking bit by bit.
“All I’m saying is-“
“They never did find a body, Erwin. She could come back, I have to be here, I have to wait for her, I have to-“
“I know. And I’ll wait with you, for however long it takes.” Erwin states, pulling Hange in for a hug, his large stature engulfing them in comfort. “But you have to heal, you know she’d want you to be happy.”
A silence falls on them both, before Hange breaks down, their sobs echoing in Erwin’s chest as they stand in the middle of Hange’s living room, furniture scattered around them as Hange mourns a lost past and an uncertain future, with Erwin acting as their anchor.
“How am I supposed to move on without her?” They cry, and Erwin holds on to them tighter, nodding as he thought about his own relationship. “We made a promise to live together and she left me alone. Sometimes I’m so angry about that, why did she leave? I don’t even know where she is. I love her Erwin, I need her back.”
Erwin says nothing, knowing that no mortal words could soothe the raging waters inside of them. A permanent crack was evident in Hange’s heart, and no amount of comforting could ever put it back together.
They stand like that, frozen in time as the only sounds to be heart as Hange’s crying, and Erwin’s soothing words.
“I could spend the night here, if you like.” Erwin says, putting his jacket back on as he walked to the front door.
“I’ll be fine.” Hange replies.
“Alright. I’ll see you later, take good care Hange.”
“Erwin.” Hange whispers suddenly, causing him to turn around.
“Yes?”
“Thank you.” They mumble, closing the door.
•
Hange struggled to sleep at all that night. They kept hearing a knock on the window and after trying to ignore it for so long, they finally jumped out of bed, running to the source of the sound. Hange’s breath hitches as they see her face, her bloodied hand banging on the window as they beg Hange to let her in, that she’s freezing, and that she misses her so much.
She suddenly runs, and Hange storms out of the house, still clad in their nightwear as they followed her without question, the storm raging as they frantically scream for her name, the figure in their corner of their eyes darting around as Hange chases them, their feet gaining a mind of their own.
The figure stops near an empty patch of grass on the outskirts of the wood, and without thinking, Hange digs with their bare hands, the dirt settling into their fingertips, as the ghosts loom over them, whispering that they’re nearly there in their ear.
Hange’s hands touch something ice cold, and they stumble back in horror as the frozen body of her lies there, still clad in the flowery dress she wore as she told Hange she needs pick something important up for them, and she’ll be back, and today will be the most important day of their lives.
They fall down to their knees, their heart unable to withstand the sharp blade tearing it apart as the final candle of hope that was still in their heart blew out, brutally destroyed by the reality of her truly being gone.
Hange cries, almost howling as their tears fall onto her pale still face, begging to join her as the storm washed away all the dirt from her face. Hange’s eyes noticed her hands clutching onto a small box, and they pry her fingers away from it, speechless and forevermore broken as they see two small rings, one white and one gold, placed inside.
•
The service is small, attended only by Hange, Erwin, Levi, her father and friends. Hange spends the service silent, their mouth glued together as the weight of the truth becomes too much for them to carry.
“Hange.” Erwin says, worried. “How are you feeling? Remember, I’m still here if you need anything.”
“Fine.” Is all Hange reply, before walking off and leaving, not giving Erwin a chance to finish.
Hange stumbles outside, eager to be away from everyone and their questions, before gasping in shock as they see her once more, their usual silky hair matted and their body covered in dirt, with their face scrunched up in an unknown emotion.
The figure smiles and twirls, just like she would whenever she would tease them, and Hange sprints after her, their blood rushing with the feeling of being human again, and manage to corner the figure to a nearby tree.
Hange places both arms against the bark, almost pinning them against it as their lips hover over the airy essence, their hands eager to touch the figment in front of them, and to wash away the anguish of the past few weeks.
“I knew you weren’t really gone.” Hange whispers, trying ever so hard to grab a hold of her.
The figure says nothing, instead smiling, the same smile that lit up their gentle dozy eyes that Hange loved so much, and Hange’s hand gets nearer, and they swear they’re so close to finally having her, before a voice rings in the background.
“Hange!”
They turn to see a shocked Erwin running towards them, their face painted in confusion as Hange turns back, and all that’s left is the pair of them and a tree.
“What were you doing?” Erwin asks, extending a hand to Hange, as he always did.
“I saw something.” Hange mumbles, trying to leave but being stopped by Erwin’s firm hand on their shoulder.
“Hange, you know she’s-“
“I saw her, I’m not lying, Erwin. She came back, she led me to her body, she’s still here.” Hange cries, frustrated at how silly their words sounded, but certain of what they saw.
“I believe you.” Erwin mumbles. “I always have, but until you make peace with the fact that she’s gone, you’re never going to stop seeing her.”
“Then what do I do? How do I live?” Hange asks, removing their glasses.
“You just live.” Is all Erwin says. “You live for her.”
•
The next few years were fairly uneventful for Hange. After the urging of Erwin, they finally moved out, the house too haunted with the tragedy of their lost love, and moved to the other side of town.
They days were pretty much the same, having fell into a simple routine of work, writing and spending time with friends, particularly Erwin.
She was still fresh in Hange’s memory, small pictures of her decorating their apartment as her father and friends would sometimes visit, all eager to keep the memory of her soul alive.
The figure never visited Hange anymore, and despite Hange knowing that she was gone, and that she was never coming back, and that they figure was merely a figment of her imagination, a small part of them longed to see her again, even as a false and vivid hallucination.
It was one night, after Erwin and Levi had left and Hange had finished their washing up, that they heard the oh so familiar knock on the window. Hange ran towards the sound, hope filling their veins as they stood by the window, seeing her, but not bloodied or tormented, but rather radiant and serene, waving at Hange.
“Hange.” She says, causing their eyes to widen. “It’s me, Pieck. I’ve come back home.”