Work Text:
The moment i figured my own feelings out it was too late. no amount of love could save me, my situation was beyond saving.
I knew Oruggio wouldn't understand. I knew he would try to save me no matter what i told him, no matter how many times he heard the same things. And that is the exact reason why I love him and will always love him.
I really did try though, even if he doesn't remember any of it. I tried to talk it out with him so many times. I tried to let him know that I was beyond saving and I just needed him to stay away for his own sake, so many times. Way more than I should have.
I couldn't help it, I also needed someone to hear me out. And the only person i wanted to talk to, was him. Like it always was.
I lost count of the same conversation we've had at different times. It always ended the same way. me apologizing, his disappointed and shocked face. My heart, breaking.
The difference between us was the fact that he didn't have to carry the weight of all the conversations we've had but I had to. I still have to carry the weight of his words and the regret I feel every time I wipe his memories.
Oh, Oruggio... I'm so sorry. you don't deserve this. You deserve a better friend. You deserve someone who could be as honest with you as you are with me. I'm so sorry. You deserve to know everything. But you also deserve to be safe and happy. I know you would try to do anything for me and I don't want that. at the end, it would just ruin both of us and I don't want to bring you down with me. You deserve everything good in this world.
I wish I wasn't stuck in this twisted game. I wish we could just be happy... I wish I could tell you how I really feel about you. Without being scared of our future, my future. I wish I could have a future with you, in this atelier. Just teaching and practicing magic. Even if you wouldn't reciprocate my feelings, I would be the happiest man alive staying by your side.
I wouldn't need anything else.
But you know it doesn't work like that. We're not in some kind of fairy-tale and it would be naive for me to think that we are. No matter what, I have to keep you away. I need to keep you away, for your sake and for mine too. It would ruin me to see you hurt because of me. You can't know. You shouldn't know. That is why over and over again, I need to make you forget.
I'm sure that you'll forgive me, over and over again;
Even though I can never forgive myself.