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Elzar was alone. That wasn’t exactly a new thing, no. He was alone most of the time. He’d long accepted the fact that most Jedi would rather avoid him altogether. And for the longest time that had been fine. Who cared about anyone else when he had Avar and-
Elzar buried his face in his hands, a sob escaping from his lips.
‘We’re not supposed to be alone, Stel’, he whispered. ‘You weren’t supposed to- I was supposed to die for you- either of you.’
The darkness didn’t answer. It never did.
He let his hands fall to his lap. There, like always on lonely nights ever since- ever since Starlight, sat Stellan’s saber, as cold and lifeless as its owner.
‘I’ve heard of sabers ceasing to work after their owners pass’, Avar had said when she and Elzar first realised that the kyber crystal had broken in two. ‘It’s supposed to be very rare.’
‘Well’, Elzar had said, the tears drying on his face. ‘He was. Rare.’
Avar had pulled him into an embrace, both of them crying into each other’s robes.
‘The rarest of crystals’, she’d whispered.
Elzar felt more tears run down his face at the memory.
It wasn’t often now that he spent his nights alone. Avar was usually with him, no matter what the council would say- not that they had the time to say much, when so many people had died- when the galaxy was on the brink of war. Other things mattered more than the fact that two people who’d lost their- best friend, their lover, their boyfriend- their polestar- were finding solace in each other.
‘You’re supposed to be here’, Elzar whispered. ‘You were supposed to be by my side until we grow old.’
The darkness of the night was painfully quiet.
‘You know I had the pipe dream of settling down- leaving the order when we were old and grey- that I would make both you and Avar come along with me- to Naboo- or Alderaan- wherever you wanted to go- and we’d settle in a small cottage by the sea- I’d spend every morning swimming and every evening telling- showing the two of you- just how much I love you.’
He looked down at the saber, running his fingers over the greaves on the hilt- made my another hand- as familiar to Elzar as his own.
‘I would’ve married you both then’, he whispered. ‘I would’ve proposed- all romantic and stuff- and I know we wouldn’t have needed it- we never did- but I liked the idea of- one day- being able to call you mine- being able to hear you call me yours. Avar too- I know that even through everything- she loves you- so much- she would’ve married us both too- she would’ve been ours- you would’ve been ours- I would’ve been yours-’
Elzar fitted his hands around the hilt, feeling the firm leather and the imprint of Stellan’s fingers. He could almost feel Stellan’s slightly bigger hand cover his. The thought made him sob anew.
‘Please, Stel’, he sobbed. ‘I don’t know how to do this- when you’re gone- when it’s my fault that you’re gone- it should’ve been me who stayed behind- it should’ve been me who sent you away- although I doubt you would’ve let me.’
He clasped his hands tighter around the saber, running his fingers over the ignition.
‘It’s all my fault’, he confessed to the darkness. ‘I killed our last hope- and you- you- you’re gone. Because of me. Avar doesn’t blame me- even after I told her the truth- but sometimes I wish she would. I wish she would blame me- because it is my fault- my actions rid the galaxy of one of its finest Jedi- of my best friend- of my- our star. And I can’t- I cannot do this without you, Stellan.’
He leaned forwards and pressed his lips against the hilt of the saber gently. Elzar knew that he was going slightly insane- but this hilt, this cold, broken piece of metal was the only thing that remained of his- his- his Stellan.
‘Did you know you are the only man I ever loved?’, Elzar asked the darkness. ‘You knew that Avar was the only woman I ever loved- but you- you are just as important to me- and when you looked at me on Starlight- like that again- it felt like suddenly the world made sense again. Like suddenly everything was going to be okay because I saw you- and I had you back. I had my Stellan back. And I know you were probably delirious but in that moment- I should’ve- I should’ve kissed you. I should’ve told you that I love you and that there won’t come a single day where I don’t- I should’ve told you that I would protect you no matter what- I should’ve told you that I want nothing more than to just- be by your side- for the three of us to be together because we were never meant to be apart. I only want you two- I only love you two- I only- I only- I only breathe for you two.’
Elzar drew his legs up against his chest, sitting curled up in his bed that was too large for one person- too large for two people as well.
‘And I know- deep down- that you feel the same- and that if I’d just had the guts to tell you- we could’ve had- everything- but now it’s too late and there’s never going to be a day where I don’t regret not telling you how much I love you. How much I want- how much I need you in my life.’
He pushed his face against his knees, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep and wake up from this living nightmare.
‘Stellan, please’, he whispered into the cold, unforgiving night air. ‘Come back. Just- please- come back to me- show up in front of me- and sweep me off my feet- give me a hug- kiss me- yell at me- even punch me if you want- just- come back to me, my star. Come back- please- please come back, Stel.’