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There had been a few times in Finka’s life where she felt she was out of options. One of those moments was in her doctor’s office, with the old man sitting behind a desk and imparting the grave news that her neuropathy was irreversible. What a loaded word. Nothing should be irreversible except for death.
Finka had felt cornered then, as if no matter what path she tried, they all led to the same outcome. The specter of failure loomed over her since then, and no matter how much she fought against it, she was still haunted by it. Now, she was experiencing the same, delivering Iana the news that she was leaving Rainbow for Nighthaven. Again, the word irreversible bounced in her head like a ball of lead, tearing her apart on the inside. Her work or her passion, what would she pick? No matter what choice she made, the outcome would be the same: she would have to cut off something important for her, and the effects of her decision would negatively affect her one way or another.
However, she made her choice. And then she went to find Iana and explain it to her, before she learnt of Finka’s decision by seeing her leave. She owed Iana that much, at the very least. Finding her had been easy, and the workshop was empty for once. The hard part was getting the words out.
“Is this decision set in stone?” Iana asked after a long silence, barely blinking when Finka nodded. The way she sat completely still, she could have been a statue, pale and cold. “When will you leave?”
She hated the way Iana sounded, so quiet and monotone. There was no spark in her voice now, the one that made it musical.
"Tomorrow, after the final."
"So soon." If Iana was angry and screamed and cursed at her, maybe this would be more bearable. Finka knew she deserved her anger. However, that wasn't Iana's way.
The Dutch woman kept staring at her in silence, as if Finka was a particularly troublesome equation. It was driving her up the wall this lack of reaction, making Finka feel even more wretched. "Is that all you have to say?"
"You are the one leaving, what else can I say? I'm not the one who should be explaining her motives."
Finka couldn't give her a good answer, one that wouldn't hurt. She almost wanted to tell Iana to forget about the why, but the Dutch's curiosity was boundless and for her it would be worse to not have an answer than to get an unpleasant one.
"Nighthaven gives me something Rainbow cannot." Finka bit her lip, wishing she could say more than this, or that Iana would figure it out. She was so smart, surely her lovely star would figure it out, right?
However, Iana simply nodded and glanced down, hands clasped together on top of her lap.
"This is goodbye, then." After taking a deep breath, she got up and offered her hand to Finka. She was so short and ethereal looking, one could mistake her beauty for fragility. Nothing further from the truth. "Thank you for telling me beforehand, this loss would have hurt worse if I just saw you walk out with Kali with no idea of what was happening."
"You're not going to lose me," Finka blurted out, unable to stand the thought that this could be the last time she saw the other woman. Iana's doubt was written all over her face, and Finka doubled down, grabbing her hands. "Our story isn't over, it has just begun."
"You're going away," Iana said, "and we both know there's little free time in our jobs to go visit people."
At least she didn't let go of her hands, so Finka supposed there was still a sliver of hope in her. If Iana could dream about reaching the stars, she could dream about their relationship. And since Iana's dream became real, Finka hoped with all her heart this one would come true as well.
"It's just a job. Some people do have a family outside this base, I don't see why we can't have each other." Right now, Finka wasn't sure if she was trying to convince herself or Iana. "And maybe in the future we'll be in the same place again."
A small, tentative smile bloomed on Iana’s face. “If that’s how you want it, we can make it work.”
Finka smiled back, relieved beyond measure that Iana was willing to try, instead of giving up on her. She should have known the Dutch woman was known for her commitment to her goals, and that this whole conversation would sound to her like Finka wanted to break up with her before moving on to Nighthaven. Following a sudden idea, she took off her dog tags and slid them on Iana. It just felt right.
“I have to find something, wait here.” With these enigmatic words, Iana dashed out of the room, leaving Finka wondering what was so important to find right now.
After a couple of minutes, Iana came back nearly out of breath but smiling brightly. Before Finka could ask, the other woman pinned something on the front of her shirt. A small enamel pin of the earth, orbited by the other planets. It was a goodbye gift from Iana’s colleagues at REU, and an inside joke about geocentrism that Iana once explained to her. The brooch was full of memories and sentimental value for Iana, who still kept contact with her old colleagues as best as she could despite not being able to tell them anything about her current work.
Finka opened her mouth, the old line of this being too much on the tip of her tongue, but she stopped. As a message, the br ooch was a powerful statement, and one that would only be understandable to them. It was perfect. Instead she enveloped the shorter woman in a crushing hug, and vowed to wear it every day. This way, she would have a piece of Iana with her whenever she felt lonely, to get her through the difficult times ahead.