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Sleep always eluded Jackal, but since he joined REACT, he felt even less inclined to sleep. The waking world resembled a nightmare already, and the few hours of rest he got were always laden with bad dreams too. Especially if he was sleeping alone.
With Lion out on an incursion, Jackal trained until he was kicked out by Mira, ate something in the mess hall, and then roamed the always busy corridors of the Pioneer. He always felt like a ghost in those moments, part of a crowd yet unseen by everyone, they were all too busy to question his presence anywhere.
Shortly after midnight, the blaring siren signaling the return of a team went off. Jackal didn't observe any increase of movement around the medical bay, so that meant nobody came back injured. A small weight lifted off of his chest, and he decided to slowly make his way back to his and Lion's shared room. The Frenchman always looked disapprovingly at him whenever Jackal spent the night roaming around the ship. Both because it was technically against the rules, and because he worried about the Spaniard when he did that.
Minutes passed and piled up higher and higher, and Lion still didn't come back to the room, tired and looking haggard from the incursion. How odd. Thinking that maybe he had been injured during the mission, Jackal made his way to Doc's domain. However, a quick question to one of the nurses revealed all the operators had been visited and dismissed already.
Jackal went to search for his missing roommate, checking places like the cafeteria, the locker room where all gear was stashed, the communal showers, and their room again, just in case. Lion was still nowhere to be found.
In a fit of inspiration, he went to the boat's chapel. Calling it that was a stretch, since it was a repurposed room, with the metal bunk bed still bolted to the floor. A small cross decorated the metal wall, and a few chairs were laid out instead of the more common benches. It was bare bones, yet several people of the staff made use of it daily, much to Lion's delight. Apparently there was nothing like an alien invasion to make people believe in a higher power.
Lion was on his knees, as if praying, yet his head was tilted down in a defeated manner, and his hands were clenched in fists rather than clasped together as he did when murmuring prayers. Something must have happened in the incursion, something that shook Lion enough that he was staring vacantly at the ground in this secluded place of worship.
Rather than directly asking what was wrong, Jackal sat down on one of the scattered chairs, and waited. He knew Lion, he was unable to let silence stand for long in the best of circumstances, and right now he looked like he needed to unburden himself. If he wasn’t doing that through prayer, maybe he would tell Jackal what was bothering him. After a moment that felt much longer than it really was, Jackal heard Lion exhale loudly.
“I fucked up. Again.”
The urge to scoff and deny that was strong, Jackal never liked how Lion often blamed himself for things out of his control, and he was sure this was one of those instances. However, he bit his tongue, and instead gently asked, “How so?”
“It was supposed to be a rescue mission, but…” Lion trailed off, and one didn’t need to be a genius to deduce what happened. Sometimes you couldn’t save everyone, and in REACT coming back with the whole team alive was more than enough most of the time. Still, Jackal understood the pain of failing, especially when innocent lives were on the line. He tried to put his hand on Lion's shoulder, a small comforting gesture, but Lion shrugged him off. "I was in charge of the team. It was my plan that failed. And once again someone died because of the orders I gave."
Ah. The specter of that Ebola incident still haunted him, after all these years. For a moment, Jackal wondered if Doc made a comment that might have reawakened those memories, but the medic wasn't cruel unless provoked, and the two Frenchmen had come to a mutual understanding working together here. No, it was just something that weighed on Lion's mind, even if he only did his job and to avoid the virus spreading. Those deaths were unfortunate and regrettable, yes, but Jackal didn't think they were Lion's fault. This one probably wasn't either, just another unfortunate accident despite the team's best efforts.
"Have you seen someone's skull shatter? He was glued to the ground, the stasis foam malfunctioned and half melted, and we didn't see the smasher until it rushed us. It was like a ripe watermelon got hit by a hammer."
What an awful way to die. Jackal grimaced, and knelt next to his friend. "You said none of you noticed the smasher until it was too late. It's not on you, we all know that, out there, surrounded by the unknown and impossible monsters, things can go wrong at any moment."
"He had a kid, you know?" Lion's voice was flat, devoid of emotion except for a hint of self-loathing. "He was one of the first to move to the Pioneer with his family, his son is in daycare with Maho. How am I to look at his family in the face and tell them I let him die? I couldn't save one person, how can I… I just keep failing, a constant disappointment, I -"
He trailed off, choked by grief and guilt, almost hyperventilating. Jackal didn't think twice before hugging him to his chest, trying to calm Lion down. As if witnessing that horrible death wasn't enough, it turned out it was someone Lion knew, even if distantly, and there was the added baggage of Lion's past experience. No wonder he was a wreck.
"It's okay Olivier, you did all you could." His reassurances were met with resistance, Lion trying to shake him off while babbling about being a failure, about how his attempts of protecting people always ended in disaster, and that he didn't deserve any compassion. "Shh, hear my heartbeat? Focus on that."
He had to restrain Lion at first, but eventually he stopped fighting him and sagged down, head resting on Jackal's chest. He kissed Lion’s forehead, and kept holding him tight. Lion wouldn’t get any answers or absolution from God no matter how much he prayed, but Jackal could offer him comfort and hope that it would be enough..
"It's okay," Jackal said again, rubbing his back. "We can't save everyone… not before the Chimera, and not now." His mind flitted briefly towards his murdered brother, the ache dulled after all these years. It was startling how he learned to live with it, and he had no doubt Lion would in time learn to stop punishing himself for all the ghosts he carried around. "But we have to keep trying."
Lion said nothing, still clinging to him. After a while, Jackal couldn't feel his knees anymore, but he didn’t protest. He’d remain here, holding Lion, for as long as he needed.