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Remus wishes he understood his feelings better. He wishes all of this wouldn’t be so goddamn complicated.
It wasn’t complicated when he was a teenager - and it should’ve been. Figuring out he, a boy, was in love with another boy should’ve been complicated. But it wasn’t. It never was, his love for Sirius was never complicated.
That was that one thing he was sure of. He loved Sirius. It was plain and simple - just like that.
And now, obviously, he still loves Sirius. But, well, he can’t exactly love him the same way he used to, can he?
Not when Sirius is dead.
Tonks is really sweet. They’re funny. Clumsy. Act tough even though deep down they’re a big softie. And their look, the way they carry themselves… Well, they are Remus’ type, aren’t they? They have to be because they’re so similar to Sirius and certainly, Sirius was Remus’ type.
But Tonks is also much younger than Remus. And a relative of Sirius’. Remus isn’t exactly sure what rules apply here.
It’s not like he and Sirius ever talked about, “Hey if you died, could I get with you cousin’s kid? You know, the one with the pink hair.” No. That wasn’t a conversation Remus ever even thought of having. But now he really wishes he could have it with Sirius. But, well, he can’t.
Obviously, that’s not the only conversation he wishes he could have with Sirius. That’s… That’s not even in the top ten conversations he wants to have with Sirius. He wants Sirius back. That’s the main part.
There are times when he still can’t believe that Sirius is gone . Because how could someone so energetic, so happy, so alive , just fall through a veil and… not come back?
He knows that he will never love anyone the way he loves Sirius. He knows that he will never stop loving Sirius. He knows that no matter how sweet and funny Tonks is, he’ll never be able to be with them one-hundred per cent. He loves Sirius. Tonks… he likes Tonks. Maybe he could even learn to love them. But it will never be the same love as his love for Sirius.
And it’s not like Tonks doesn’t know. Everyone knows. Remus and Sirius weren’t hiding.
Well, alright, maybe Harry doesn’t know. But that’s just because, as Remus has noticed, he’s as observant as a brick wall.
But Remus is sure Tonks knows. They’ve told him.
“Look, Lupin,” they said one day. Remus doesn’t even remember what he was doing. Grieving, probably. “ Everyone knows I’m in love with you.”
That caught Remus off guard immediately. Because, well, maybe everyone did know. But he wasn’t expecting them to just say it so bluntly.
“But I know you were with Sirius,” they went on, ignoring Remus’ shocked face. “And obviously you need time. But… I’m here for you. You know. Even just as a friend.”
Remus nodded. He said he’d keep that in mind.
But… then he didn’t.
He hasn’t talked to Tonks since. He quite literally avoids them. And… Tonks has noticed.
They’re pretty sad now. Which is so ridiculous because Tonks is that person to whom being sad just doesn’t fit. They’ve become quiet, their hair’s turned brown, they… they seem like a completely different person.
And Remus really liked the happy Tonks. He liked the bright pink hair and the stupid jokes. He liked how they were willing to help him out. Even though… Even though he didn’t accept that help.
Remus misses that person now. He misses the way that person made him feel. Which… he isn’t sure what it was.
Remus loved Sirius. Remus still loves Sirius. There’s no way he could’ve moved on that quickly. No way he could be in love, or at least into, someone again. No way.
But somehow this is happening. Remus has no idea what it is he feels for Tonks but it’s different . It’s special.
It’s late June when he finally gathers up the courage to talk to them. Despite the fact that he still doesn’t really understand his feelings.
“Tonks,” he says. “H—Hi.”
It’s so awkward . He literally arranged this meeting but he still doesn’t know what to say or do. He just knows that he has to say or do something.
He’s at Tonks’ flat. At their door, actually.
Tonks arches an eyebrow. “Hi. What is it that you wanna talk about?”
“I, uh…” Remus stammers. “Can I come in?”
Tonks groans softly. “Fine. But it’s a mess.”
It is a mess. But Remus finds it sort of endearing. And anyway, his flat is a mess too, he’s in no position to judge.
“So,” Tonks speaks up once they’re sitting at their kitchen table. They’ve made Remus tea. “What did you wanna talk about?”
“Er…” Remus struggles, his eyes glued to his drink. One he also keeps stirring for no reason. “I wanted to apologize.”
“Apologize?” Tonks echoes.
Remus nods. “Yeah. I— I’ve been a prat to you.”
Tonks scoffs. “Yeah, that’s one way to put it.”
“I’m really sorry, I just—” Remus releases an exasperated breath and finally looks up. “I really miss him. And— And I love him so much, I don’t— I don’t know if I’m allowed to—”
“To accept help from someone who has feelings for you?” Tonks cuts in. “Really? What kind of rules did you guys have?”
Remus lowers his head again. “I’m not sure if I’m allowed to have feelings for someone new so soon.”
There’s a beat of silence.
“Oh,” Tonks manages finally. “ Oh. ”
Remus takes a deep breath and looks up again. “There’s nothing about this that I’m sure of. I— I still love Sirius but I know that I feel something for you but I’m not sure what it is or how far I’m willing to go—”
Tonks shakes their head. “Remus, look, it’s fine. I— I didn’t expect you to— I just— I only wanted to be there for you. And— And that’s still what I want. I wanna help you. I don’t think you should be alone right now.”
Remus swallows. “I just— I think you deserve someone who can give you a hundred per cent. And I— I can’t do that.”
Tonks smiles softly. “But I want you, don’t I? Not someone I deserve. I want you .”
Remus smiles back. Shyly.
But he feels warm. Better. He knows Sirius would want that.
“Your—Your hair,” he stammers out.
Tonks’ eyes widen. “What— What about it?”
“I, um… I think I liked it better pink.”
Tonks smiles widely as the strands surrounding their face turn bright pink.
“Me too,” they say.