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"You have been awfully quiet all day. Everything okay?"
Lucy snapped out of her thoughts, adverting her gaze away from the shop’s window she had previously stared out of to look over at Tim. His eyes were fixed on the road in front of him while he drove, but they darted towards her once again. She could see a hint of concern in them, something that touched her more than she would admit.
"Oh yeah, yeah I'm fine." She stumbled over her words, and he shot her another look, one telling her he wasn't buying it. Lucy didn't even try to come up with an excuse, knowing he would see right through it. She let out a sigh as she settled on telling Tim about what had happened with Chris yesterday.
She hadn't intended to bring it up to him. For one she had managed to deal with it on her own. She couldn't always run back to Tim whenever things got too heavy. She needed to comprehend them on her own, couldn't rely on him to hold her together whenever she threatened to fall apart.
The other part of her knew that Tim still felt guilty for what had happened to her. She had told him that it wasn't his fault, and she had seen in his eyes that night how much he had needed to hear those words from her. But words would never be enough. He hadn't seen Caleb coming, hadn't been able to save her from the hell she had been through, and felt helpless whenever he saw the trauma weighting on her. She hoped that someday he could see what she saw, a man giving it his all to make her feel safe and strong again, and let go of the guilt.
Bringing up her day of death would cause a shift in the atmosphere that lingered between them in the shop. She wasn't ready for the heaviness it carried, but Tim was right, she had been silent since their shift had begun. As if she was stuck in her own head, her thoughts circling back to her encounter with Chris.
-
Chris, who had hummed the song she had whispered to herself in the barrel. The one Rosalind had sang to her when Tim and her had visited her in her cell. Dream a little dream of me.
A song she had always loved, because of its meaningful lyrics and the simple yet beautiful melody. Now she couldn’t listen to it anymore. It only took a few notes for her chest to tighten, her breath to quicken and her stomach to twist. Only a simple melody to bring her back to the barrel, the darkness and her fear. She couldn’t stop the tears from rising in her eyes, the panic threatening to paralyse her. Lucy managed to send Chris away before she broke down, everything flooding back to her.
But it hadn’t been the only thing to happen. After she had managed to compose herself a little, she had asked Chris to see the video. He had guided her into an office room, granting her access to a laptop and a folder containing all the evidence connected to her case. She had insisted of watching alone, not feeling like she could stand Chris’ presence after what had happened. There it was. The video of her in the barrel, locked into darkness, fighting to stay awake, stay alive, until she had taken her last breath.
She had held herself together until then, but as she had watched her chest rise and fall one last time before stopping, she had felt the tears falling from her eyes. It had seemed so unsignificant. One moment she was breathing and the next she wasn't. No one had been there to witness it, no one by her side to hold her hand and cry for her. She had died in darkness, caged by narrow walls. Alone.
Lucy knew her team had searched for her at the time, desperate to find clues that would lead her to her location. To her grave. And they had been successful. They had saved her. She hadn't died. She was still here, alive and breathing. But deep inside of her she knew a part of her had died in the barrel. A part she would never get back.
The video hadn't ended then though. Her final breath had not been the last second of it. As Lucy had stared at her lifeless form, her own tear-eyed silhouette reflected in the dark screen, the image had suddenly vanished. Light had blinded her as the top of the barrel was broken off. Multiple hands reaching into it and pulling out her body. The barrel was empty now, but she could hear faint voices coming from the surface.
The video from Caleb's camera hadn't been the only one in the folder. It contained a few other documents which were deemed as evidence, her hospital report one of them. There were two more videos standing out to her. Both of them were labelled as body cam footage. One from Tim's and one from Nolan’s cam.
She watched Tim's first, not ready to see his reaction on another video yet. A part of her wondered if she wasn't crossing a line, invading his personal space by watching what had happened through his perspective. But another reasoned she had a right to know. This was her case, so she deserved to see it all.
She had never considered the body cam footage had been collected as evidence, and never thought of requesting to see it. In the beginning she had wanted nothing more than to forget what had happened to her, but now she felt ready to find out what had happened that she had missed. As ready as she could be.
It felt strange seeing him walk around the desert, his heavy breathing and the faint voices of the others the only sound filling the silence. She watched as he paused before leaping forward, the ring, her ring in his hands. He moved around, touching the ground until the hit metal. "I got her!" His voice was strong and composed, but she could hear the urgency in it.
They hadn't known what to expect then. Hadn't known if they were too late and she might not be breathing anymore. Lucy quickly pushed the thought to the back of her mind, focusing on the video instead. Tim had already began scooping away the dirt when the others joined him with shovels. They had gotten the barrel free quickly, removing the lid and pulling her out.
The footage was shaky, distressed voices asking if she was breathing as Tim seemed to lean forward to check. She could only see the faint colour of her dirty clothes as he must have realized she wasn’t, immediately beginning to press down onto her chest. She couldn't see much, only his hands placed on her chest and the frantic up and down movement of his body.
The only sound was Tim's frantic breathing, everyone else holding their own breath as they watched. Finally, she saw her body twitch, jerking up as it came back to life. The dreadful silence was overtaken by whispers of relief and her coughs and sobs as she gazed around for a second, breaking into tears as the reality came crashing back to her.
She saw Tim's arms move around her body before the camera was covered once again as he pulled her into his chest. There was not much to see after that, since the fabric of her clothes and her hair covered the lens of his body cam, but Lucy focused on what she could hear instead. The sound of her sobs were the most dominant. But there was something else- A faint voice, Tim's voice.
She could hear his soothing whispers as he held her close to his chest. They were repetitions of the same words over and over again. "I'm sorry. I've got you. You're safe now."
When the video ended Lucy was left with a hollow ache in her chest. She had known Tim had been the one to find her, because of her ring. And she still remembered crying into his chest as she awoke from this nightmare. But she had never known how it had played out. Watching it through Tim's body cam felt like she had watched it happened through his eyes. More than just imagining what he had seen, she felt like she had relieved it with him now.
But Lucy wasn't finished yet. There was still one more video. She skipped to the part where Nolan ran towards Tim. She could see him crouched to the ground, down on his knees and digging at the ground with his bare hands. A gasp left her mouth as she watched him continue to dig this way, even when the others joined him with shovels.
The footage was shaky again as they dug for the barrel, making it hard to focus on what was happening. But once they had opened the lid and freed her the camera stabilized as Nolan stood by and watched the scene unfold.
She saw Tim leaning down to check if she was breathing, lifting his head with an expression of despair on his face as he realized she wasn’t. But he didn't waste any time, leaning down again as he pinched her nose with his fingers and breathed air into her mouth. Lucy paused the video, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her and her thoughts spinning. She hadn't known Tim had done rescue breathing on her, had missed it on the first video, because of the shaky movements.
It was a part of the reanimation protocol they had learned at the academy, a basic skill every cop, every person had to know by heart, yet it took her off-guard to see Tim doing it on her. Doing chest compressions on her was one thing but breathing air into her lungs with his own mouth was another. And he hadn't hesitated, not even a second.
Lucy brushed away the tears that had spilled from her eyes again, but this time they weren't fuelled by her anxiety or distress. They were tears of a feeling she couldn't describe. She only knew she felt deeply touched, overwhelmed by her gratitude and affection for him. Things had changed between Tim and her since that day, but seeing his commitment, his own desperation and fear as he breathed the life back into her- it was something else. She wouldn't be able to look at Tim the same way after watching the videos, she realized.
When her breathing evened again Lucy pressed play, watching as Tim moved on to performing chest compressions. She could see his face better now. It was twisted with concentration and the effort it took him to out enough force into his movements. His whole body was tensed, his mouth opened slightly as he took heavy breaths. A shadow crossed his face as the pain he felt became evident, mixing with fear. She could see the dread growing stronger the more time passed, the hope slowly leaving him.
Finally, her body began moving and she was witness again to herself coming back to her surroundings and breaking into sobs. It felt strange watching herself in her most vulnerable and terrifying moment, as it dawned on her that she was alive, that what had happened with Caleb hadn't been just a bad dream. So Lucy focused on Tim instead. From the angle of Nolan’s body cam she was now able to see his face as he pulled her into his chest, his arms wrapping around her smaller frame.
She was covered in dirt and dust, her hair a tangled and wild mess around her shoulders and her skin bruised and battered. Lucy saw the tears brimming in Tim's eyes as he realized she was alive, that he hadn't lost her. His relief that she was breathing again was so prominent, the tension leaving his body as the realization sank in. But it got mixed with hurt and regret as she clung onto him, as he witnessed her pain so big it seemed unbearable. He had begun muttering calming words to her, whispers so low she couldn't hear them even though Nolan was only standing a few feet away.
But she still remembered what he had said.
She could see the helplessness on his face for a moment as he realized there was nothing in his power he could do to make it right for her. Nothing he could do for her now than to hold her. Tim blinked a little to keep his tears at bay, pushing his own emotions away before burying his head in her hair and pulling her even closer. She could see herself holding onto him like dear life. Like she was drowning, and he was her lifeline.
When the video turned off Lucy sat there for a while, staring at the dark frame and letting everything she had just watched sink in. While most of it wasn't new to her, it was different seeing it happen herself. Perhaps it had been the last missing piece in the puzzle, so she could finally move on. Or it had put her back, offering new angles to her story she hadn't seen before and opening up her wounds.
She didn't know yet. Didn't know how she would feel about what she had seen tomorrow or if the nightmares would come back to haunt her.
All she knew was that she didn’t regret her choice to go through the evidence. She probably wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night with the awareness that her boyfriend had seen her in her most vulnerable moments, and she hadn’t seen them herself. Just the knowledge that the footage of her existed, out there for people involved in the case, strangers to watch filled her with unease. They had no right to watch it happen, watch her sing to herself in her darkest moment.
But she reminded herself the video was a part of the evidence that would help them, help her. And it filled her with a certain sense of calm now that she had seen it all, raw and unfiltered. This was her reality, and she was done hiding away from it.
Lucy had slept surprisingly well that night. Both her body and her mind had been so overwhelmed by the new information and the emotions it had woken in her, that she felt drained when she finally made it home. Fortunately, Tamara didn't ask, letting her slip into bed without bringing up what had happened earlier.
She had talked to Chris and had forgiven him. She was glad she had, and she knew he hadn't hummed the song to upset her, but the unease that it had brought up hadn't left. A part of her argued that she probably never would have seen the videos if he hadn't gotten the song stuck in his head and sang it with her around, but she couldn't convince herself it had been some sort of fate. Things between her and Chris were good again. That was all she could ask for. But she feared it wouldn't be the same again between them. The comfort she had felt around him seemed gone now, his presence not the blanket of safety she longed for.
Perhaps she had to give it time. She couldn't overthink their relationship based on one action, a stupid but innocent one. She wasn't someone to judge a person by their mistakes. He hadn't meant to hurt her, nor bring up unwanted memories for her. But with his inconsiderate behaviour he had changed something between them, even if he wasn't aware of it. The ease was gone, replaced by a sense of wariness. Lucy could only hope the feeling would vanish. She couldn't deal with a break-up on top of things right now.
-
Her thoughts were racing since she had woken up and gotten ready for her shift. Lucy hoped she could focus on something else once she was back in the shop, but then she had seen Tim.
Tim who had found her ring in the middle of the desert. Who had dug for her with his bare hands. Who had breathed the life back into her and held her when she had cried into his chest. Tim who was looking at her with concern now, because she was acting despite herself. But she couldn't look him in the eyes without thinking back to what she had seen. He was still waiting for an answer, she realized, not satisfied with her unconvincing response.
The Tim she had gotten to know would have asked purely to drill a lesson into her. To remind her to get her head back into the game. But the man sitting next to her now wasn’t asking because he was upset, she wasn’t fully focused on the job. He was asking because he noticed something was off and he was worried about her. Because he cared about her.
Lucy let out a sigh. She didn’t know how to tell him what she had experienced the day before. What she had seen. Trying to rearrange her thoughts didn’t work, so she decided to just go for it. Maybe talking to him would help her deal with it. Maybe she could finally get a little closure. “You know how I went to do some trial prep before I have to speak in court?“ Tim nodded, waiting for her to continue.
“I uhm-”, she paused. Should she tell Tim about Chris? She could jump right over the incident and only address the videos, not wanting to talk badly about Chris behind his back, but a part of her longed to hear his opinion. Perhaps she was overthinking it and Tim would reassure her that Chris’s behaviour wasn’t something she should put too much weight on. She didn’t know why his opinion mattered so much to her, but she couldn’t deny it.
“I was talking to Tamara. She showed up there- anyway, that’s not important.” She had begun to fidget, and she could see Tim peeking at her, noticing it too. Lucy took a deep breath. “Chris he- he hummed the song. Dream a little dream of me. The one-” “You sang in the barrel, yeah I remember”, he interrupted her, his voice sharp now and his grip on the steering wheel tightening, his knuckles turning white. There was an edge to it she didn’t like. “He apologized immediately, and I know it wasn’t his intention to bring it up, it just happened. We talked about it, and I forgave him-” “Lucy!” She turned her head, closing her mouth as she looked at Tim. She couldn’t deny she was a little relieved he had stopped her rant.
He swallowed, taking a breath. “If you forgave him, why do you bring it up now? You clearly aren’t okay with it.” His eyes were still fixed on the road, but she could see his jaw working. He was fighting his emotions, she realized. Trying to stay composed for her, because he knew she needed someone rational now. Letting his feelings overtake wouldn’t help her. “It was just a mistake. Mistake happens”, Lucy stated flatly, but she could hear the uncertainty in her voice. Tim turned to shoot her a gaze, his brow raised. “But?”
She sighed again. “But I can’t forget about it so easily. It’s a big thing for me and I feel like what happened affected our relationship.” Tim nodded cautiously, taking in her words. “Look, this is your decision to make and I don’t want to interfere with your relationship...” “But?”, Lucy asked, mirroring his words a moment ago. “But that’s an asshole move. Of course, you would forgive him for it. That’s who you are. But can you really, Lucy? He brought up the song that’s deeply connected to your trauma. That’s not just a mistake, it’s purely insensitive!”
Lucy was baffled at his outburst, but somehow his words relieved her. So she hadn’t been crazy for overthinking it. “Where did he even got it from?” Lucy gulped, not sure if bringing up the next part was a wise move considering Tim’s strong reaction to what she had just told him. But he deserved an honest answer, and he might find out either way. Better hearing it from her.
“He watched the video footage. It’s been collected as evidence and he had to go over it for the trial”, she explained calmly, but she could see the tension in Tim’s body as she brought it up.
Suddenly a question came into her mind, one she hadn’t thought of before. “Did you watch it? The video I mean.” Her voice was a little lower, knowing how heavy the question was. Tim took in a breath, shaking his head after a moment and Lucy felt herself relax a little. At least he hadn’t seen her despair and her fear. Hadn’t heard her whisper the song to herself in the dark. Hadn’t watched her take her last breath. “I attempted to. But Angela made sure I couldn’t get access to it. I was angry at her then, but now I think it was the right decision.”
“Why?” He eyed her for a moment, but there was no annoyance in his gaze. He seemed surprisingly calm about her questions, considering how personal they were and forcing him to be vulnerable in front of her. Perhaps he knew that he would hurt her, if he shut her out right now or he felt like a burden was lifted off his chest, as he finally got the chance to admit his true feelings. At least it felt this way for her. “Watching you trapped in that barrel scared for your life with the oxygen running out? I don’t need a vivid memory of that. The ones I have and the ones I made up are already enough.”
She was caught off-guard by his honesty yet again. It seemed like what she had been through was still weighting on him more than she had realized. A part of her wanted to reach out to him, take his hand to show him that she was here and that he didn’t have to worry about her anymore.
But she didn’t dare to cross that line. She had a boyfriend, one who loved her, even if he might have hurt her. And Tim was in a relationship too, with Ashley, who was funny and beautiful. A woman she really wanted to like, but failed at, because Lucy could see the way she tried to change Tim. It always left her with a bitter taste in her mouth when he talked about her.
“I watched it.” Her confession caused him to tense. He didn’t say anything, steering the shop over to the side so he could turn to look at her. “You watched the video?”, he asked in disbelief, and she nodded. “I asked Chris about it, and he offered me a room where I could look through all the evidence of my case.” Tim let out a groan. “He shouldn’t have done that!”
Lucy knitted her brows, turning her body towards Tim so she didn’t have to crane her neck at him. “What?! Why not? This is my trial, my case. I deserve to know!” Tim let out a sigh, shaking his head. She could see his fury mixing with exhaustion. “There is a reason the evidence wasn’t accessible for you before. You’re too close to it, too involved. You shouldn’t have to deal with it at all.” He ran a hand over his face in frustration and she could feel her previous anger vanishing a little. “But I do have to deal with it. I can’t ignore what happened. Especially with the trial coming up. I can’t just sit around and do nothing.”
“That’s not what I’m asking of you” Tim stated. “But as a cop it’s easy to lose sight of the line between doing your job and overstepping. There are people who handle these cases; Lawyers. Let them deal with it.” Lucy bit her lip, her own frustration rising. She knew he was only trying to protect her, but it sounded so much easier said than done. "It's too late anyway. I already watched the videos", she stated, hoping to end their discussion this way. Tim furrowed his brows at her. "Videos?"
Lucy bit her tongue but it was too late. She should have thought her words over before saying them out loud. She guessed Tim wouldn't be too happy to find out she hadn't just watched the footage of Caleb's camera. "They secured the body cam footage too. It was in the same folder with all the other evidence."
She had expected him to let out a groan or a sigh of defeat, something that told her he was annoyed and frustrated with her. But he only blinked at her, his eyes softening as he realized what she had seen.
It was silent between them for a moment, Lucy giving Tim time to process everything she had just admitted to him. When he didn’t say anything, she took a deep breath. "I never really thanked you for-" But she couldn’t finish her sentence, Tim interrupting her. "Not for that, Lucy." His voice was determined but gentle, and Lucy shifted her gaze to her hands to evade the sudden intensity in his eyes. He had looked at her like this before, when she had finished her training and he had given her his final evaluation.
An intensity that made her want to look away, because she couldn't stand it while drawing her in at the same time. Tim had always been a man of contradictions.
"But I want to say this. You were there for me after what happened with-", the name still left a bitter taste in her mouth, her stomach twisting and making her feel sick whenever it came to her mind, "after what happened. I know you don't want me to thank you. But I want you to know how grateful I am. You helped me a lot. I think watching the videos made me realize it even more." She could see the affection in Tim's eyes along with surprise as she spoke. Her words were getting through to him, touching him in a way that made him feel humbled.
"Lucy I-", he stilled, swallowing, and she sensed he was at a loss of words. The thought brought a smile to her lips. Rendering Tim speechless wasn’t easy. It happened very rarely, but it always amused her whenever he couldn’t come up with anything to say. "You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know."
He nodded slowly, still looking at her with caution as he processed her words. There was a hint of disbelief in his eyes, but she could also make out wonder and fascination. Like she had shown him something beautiful he had never seen before. But it was directed at her. He was looking at her this way. She had deeply affected him with her words. The thought made her heart leap in her chest, exciting her.
"You know I am always here if you-", he rubbed the back of his neck, "want to talk or...anything." Anything. Such a powerful little word. So simple but holding so much meaning.
Although she knew Tim was only one call away if she needed him, it filled her with a sense of calm to hear him say it. With everything changing in her life, he had remained the one constant she could hold onto. Someone she could trust and who she could rely on.
Her thoughts circled back to what he had said about Chris earlier. Her boyfriend. Shouldn't he be the one she could always count on? The one she felt safest with?
But he had never been. In the beginning she had blamed it on not knowing him well enough. She couldn't compare a man she was just getting to know to someone she knew for years now and spend most of her days with. Someone who had become more than just her teacher. Even more than just a friend. She couldn’t put a label on what they had, but it was special.
Being with Chris was fun. It was a nice distraction. But even now that she knew him for a while, Chris wasn't the person she would call or talk to, if things got heavy. And she doubted he would ever be.
"I should break up with him." She grimaced a little at the thought, but her heart didn't ache as she came to the conclusion. Another sign she was making the right decision. Tim raised his brows, but she could see an approving smile forming on his lips. "If that is what feels right to you." She nodded, trying to ignore Tim's satisfied smile. Perhaps he hadn't been too fond of Chris as he had pretended for her sake. But then when had he ever been fond of any of her boyfriends?
Tim turned back towards the steering wheel, aiming to start the engine before he thought better of it. "Are you okay? I mean after watching the videos and all that it might have brought up."
He sounded so sincere that she had to blink back the tears. She couldn't remember the last time someone has asked her that, not even Chris after he had picked her up from watching the videos. They had pretended everything was fine between them for the rest of the evening, had ordered food and watched a movie like nothing had happened. Another nice distraction.
But she couldn’t keep pretending. She had to deal with it all eventually, or her feelings would build up and overwhelm her. She had learned that the hard way.
With Tim it was different. He seemed to sense when she needed a distraction and when she needed to talk about what was going on in her head. She thought his words over for a moment, searching in herself for the truth. "I don't know", she told him honestly, "but I know that I will be. And that I won't be alone."
He took her words in, nodding silently. He still seemed a little concerned, definitely more serious than most days and she knew he would be thinking of what she had told him today for a while. But a small smile spread over his lips as she acknowledged her own strength and his support. She had come a long way already.
Telling him had definitely been the right decision, Lucy concluded. It hadn't just given her clarity with Chris and a little peace on her own but brought them closer together. Another moment she wouldn't be able to forget. Did it mean to him as much as it did to her? She wouldn't be able to tell, but she did know that Tim had opened up to her and that he had been affected by her words. She thought back to the softness behind his eyes as he had looked at her. No, she didn't want to forget. She wanted to remember this, even with all the hurt that came with the memories of her trauma.
The radio broke through the silence, forcing Tim to start the shop as she responded to the call. Just as quickly her world felt normal again. Back in their pattern and focused on the job they had to do, the moment between them was over now.
But Lucy knew it would stay with them. What they had told each other in the comfort of the shop wouldn't disappear from their minds once they stepped outside of it after shift. They would carry it with them, home and wherever they went. The thought thrilled and terrified her just the same.
Lucy dared to steal another glance at the man sitting next to her, his steel blue eyes fixed on the road. She couldn't think of someone else she wanted to have by her side. It wasn't easy to find someone, who felt like home, who felt safe. But she had found that person in Tim.
Perhaps it was why her relationships were doomed to fail. The person she was longing for was sitting right next to her. She didn't know if they ever stood a chance, if Tim would ever see her as more than his former rookie. But she had seen the look in his eyes. There was more behind it.
Right now, it didn't matter. He was here and he had promised her he would be whenever she needed him to. He had become her person. Perhaps he would choose her too someday. Until then she could live with what she had.
Because it was more she could have ever hoped for.