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Levi stood in front of the stove heating up his tea kettle. He hated late nights like these. He hated his stupid fucking body, and his stupid fucking mind, both of which were failing him right now because he couldn’t fucking sleep! He was so frustrated. He had done everything right! He made a ritual out of making a cup of chamomile, putting on pajamas, brushing his teeth and reading a book, and he read for at least 45 minutes before blowing out his candle, getting in a comfortable position, laying still and thinking sleepy thoughts. He had just laid there, completely awake, for like an hour! Each second that passed caused his frustration to grow, and now he had nasty, evil thoughts in his head.
He felt aggressive. He hated himself and he hated the world. He knew he was never going to get to sleep now because he was so irritated. Great. He might as well make a cup of tea to keep himself occupied.
His kettle whistled and he took it off the burner and poured it over his tea bag. As he steeped his tea, his stomach growled. Maybe there was a little bit of bread left from today. It would probably be a little stale, but he could dip it in the tea to soften it.
He pulled out a knife and cut himself a slice. It was a bread knife — serrated and rounded at the tip. Great for cutting bread, but not much else. It would be hard to hurt a person with a knife like that. No good in a fight.
Levi supposed he shouldn’t think like that, but he had been surrounded by knives ever since he was a little kid, and knives were for fighting. Having a knife on him had saved his life on more than one occasion back when he still lived underground. And even now that he was older and living on the surface, the blades he used to fight titans were basically just giant knives. More like swords. He relied on blades like that, they kept him safe, he needed them. They were sacred to him.
He dunked his bread in his tea and took a bite. He pulled open the knife drawer and looked at the array of blades. He couldn’t sleep anyways, might as well see if they had anything interesting.
They didn’t. These were kitchen utensils, they were meant for food. He supposed that made sense, but he was still a little disappointed. The little pairing knife was too small for any real damage, the serrated bread knife wasn’t sharp on the tip so it was no good for stabbing, and the wide, flat blade of the chefs knife was cumbersome and easy to get in the way.
He supposed the knives meant for cutting meat were good. He picked up a long, thin boning knife and studied it. He ran his finger along its edge, appreciated the silver of the blade and the dark of the handle. It was a high quality knife — full tang. The tip was sharp, and it was big enough to hurt someone with, but narrow enough to be sleek and efficient.
It reminded him of the knife that Kenny gave him when he was a kid. Kenny may have been a piece of shit, but he taught Levi everything he knew about knives, and he had given him a damn high quality one to use. It was a switchblade. The handle had been made of deer antler, the blade was sharp and quick, and it was the nicest thing Levi owned for a long time.
He didn’t have it anymore. When he first encountered the Scouts while living underground, he had used it against them. He fought, and he could’ve won, but his friends had already been captured, so he was forced to surrender. He dropped the knife on Erwin’s command, and it landed in the dirty street. Then he got arrested. He never had a chance to go back and get it.
Someone else probably had it now. A lucky passer by with sharp enough eyes to notice the glint of a blade sticking out of the filth on the street. Or maybe no one noticed it, and it was still there. The handle was probably decayed by now, and the blade rusted and dull. Truly a shame.
Levi supposed his titan killing swords were an upgrade from a measly switchblade, but they didn’t hold the same sentimental value. He fiddled with the boning knife in his hand. Feigned stabbing and slicing. It was a nice blade, for sure. He imagined himself back in the underground, facing off with a gang of thugs. This knife was all he had. Fight or die.
He felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped with alarm and his breath caught.
Fight or die.
Hate and determination seized him and whirled around and tore in, slicing fiercely at the hand that dared touch him. His opponent cried out in pain, but wait. Why did he recognize that voice?
His knife was already in position to strike again, but reality came flooding back to him and he halted. Slowly, his senses came back into focus. Blond hair. Blue eyes. Deep voice. Big ass eyebrows furrowed in pain. Erwin.
“Levi, wait!” Cried the commander, and Levi froze. Erwin had his hands thrown up defensively. Levi looked from him to the knife and saw there was blood on the blade.
“Shit, you scared me! Did I hurt you?” He cried and set the blade on the counter behind him. Erwin took a step back and clutched a bloody wrist. “Yeah, you got me pretty good.” He gritted out.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. Can I see? Is it bad?”
Erwin continued to clutch his wrist to his body. “Yeah, it’s bad. You really know how to use that thing.” Blood began to well out from in between his fingers. Levi winced.
“Do you need a doctor?” He asked, concern for the commander mingling with self hatred inside him.
“That would be nice, but it’s the middle of the night. Let’s just go down to the infirmary and get bandages for now. I’m sorry for scaring you, I didn’t know you had a knife.”
“Please don’t apologize to me right after I slit your wrist.” Levi said. He began leading Erwin to the infirmary.
“Why were you holding a knife?”
“I was cutting bread. I’m sorry for hurting you.”
They got to the infirmary and Levi made Erwin sit down while he gathered bandages and antiseptic. Erwin sat there, wrist laid face up and bleeding on the table, and watched Levi run around gathering medical supplies.
“But bread knives are serrated. You cut me with a smooth blade.” He argued. Levi wasn’t in the mood.
“I had the drawer open.”
“You were just staring at knives?”
Levi sat down and attended to Erwin’s wound, wiping off the blood and applying antiseptic. He knew it stung and burned, but Erwin didn’t flinch. He was so strong.
“Yeah, I was. I was thinking about which one would be best in a fight. Then you came along and startled me, and I was already thinking about fighting, so yeah, I cut you. I’m sorry.”
“Why were you thinking about fighting someone?”
Levi wiped the blood off his skin but it kept being replaced with more.
“I don’t know, why do you care?” He asked, slightly irritated.
“I’m worried about you.”
“You’re sitting here with your wrist sliced open! Goddamnit, I think you need stitches. Hold this.” Levi gave Erwin a wad of cotton to press against his wrist while Levi went and got sutures.
“Yeah, and you’re up at this hour fantasizing about hurting people.”
Levi scoffed. “It’s not a fantasy if I actually did it. I’m sorry.”
“Is this all because you can’t sleep?”
Levi sat down with the sutures at the ready. He applied numbing cream to the wound so the sutures wouldn’t hurt so bad. “Why are you up so late?” He countered, not answering the question.
Erwin looked at his wrist as he answered. Levi was applying the first stitch. “I had a late meeting and then some paperwork.”
“Ah.”
“You didn’t answer my question. Are you up at night hurting people because you can’t sleep? Or is there another reason?”
Levi exhaled. He finished the second stitch and moved on to the third. It would probably take at least five to fully close the wound.
“No, it’s just sleep. I’ve always been like this, I don’t know why. I lay down and close my eyes and think sleepy thoughts, but I just don’t fall asleep.”
“Have you tried deep breathing?”
Levi frowned. “Yes!” He snapped. “I’ve tried everything! I’ve tried deep breathing and meditation and muscle relaxation and setting up a routine and all that bullshit that people tell you to do when you can’t sleep, it doesn’t work!” He didn’t even feel bad for snapping at Erwin, the amount of hate and frustration that was inside him drowned out any kind of guilt a thousand times. It was like his brain was screaming at him. He hated it. He hated this, and he hated himself.
Erwin pulled back a little. He kept his wrist still for Levi to work on it, but he moved the rest of his body away from Levi’s biting words and anger.
“Oh, I see. I’m sorry. Have you gone to the doctor at all? They have pills for that you know.”
Levi shook his head. “I’ve tried that. Some of them work, some of them don’t. I took a few tonight, probably more than I should have, but they’re still not working so what does it matter.”
Levi continued stitching up his commanders wrist. Erwin watched, but his face looked detached. He must be getting sleepy. Levi couldn’t relate. He would probably be up all night with the way his insomnia was treating him. He finished the stitches and wrapped Erwin’s wrist up in a bandage.
“There, how do you feel? You lost kind of a lot of blood, do you feel dizzy?” He asked. Erwin pulled his hand back and let it hang comfortably at his side. “A little.” He admitted.
“You should go to bed. Come on, I’ll take you. I’m sorry for hurting you.” Levi said, and he guided Erwin to his feet and walked with him out the door.
“I forgive you. Thank you for stitching my wrist. I’m sorry for scaring you. And I’m sorry you can’t sleep. I knew you had trouble sleeping sometimes, but I didn’t realize it was this bad. I’m sorry you have to go through that, it sounds really frustrating.”
Levi said nothing. Erwin was right, it was really frustrating. Instead, he just nodded in acknowledgement.
When they got to Erwin’s room, Levi made sure he laid down in bed and got comfortable before standing in the doorway ready to leave.
“Well, goodnight.” He said, but Erwin sat up.
“Levi, stay here.” He said
Levi frowned. “What?”
“Stay here tonight. You can sleep with me.”
Levi shook his head. “What? No, I’ll keep you up.”
Erwin’s look hardened a little bit. “I know you can’t sleep, but who knows who else you’ll go around accidentally cutting if I let you stay up? I don’t care if you keep me awake, come here.” He scooted to the side and made space for Levi in his bed.
Levi didn’t want to, but Erwin had played on his guilt by mentioning his injury, so he felt as though he had no choice. “Ugh, fine.” He gave in, and he joined Erwin in bed. He was a little uncomfortable sharing a bed with Erwin, but they were close and they shared a tent together on expeditions, so sleeping near him and sharing a space wasn’t new.
“Goodnight Levi.” Said Erwin warmly, and he laid down and adjusted until he was comfortable.
“Goodnight Erwin.” Said Levi, and he tried to do the same, but he felt awkward. He wasn’t even in his own bed, and he knew he wasn’t going to get to sleep. He didn’t know how long he laid there with his eyes open until Erwin started snoring softly.
Levi wasn’t bothered by the commanders snoring. He was familiar with the sound and actually found it kind of relaxing. Erwin’s body was warm and the fabric of his pajamas was soft and comfortable. Levi found himself snuggling into that soft fabric and warm body, it was comforting to him.
He laid his head on Erwin’s chest and felt his heartbeat. It was slow, cadenced, and Levi felt his own heart slow down to match it. Maybe he would end up falling asleep after all. Maybe he just had to be near someone who was sleeping and his body would mirror it. He closed his eyes and tried to match his breathing with the commanders.
He was tired, exhausted even, and despite the struggle earlier in the night, Levi felt comfortable, drowsy. He didn’t know how long he laid there before sleep finally took him, but when he woke up next to Erwin the next morning, he found that he didn’t want to leave his side.