Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It had started with an ability. A simple fight between the Agency and a random group of thugs in an abandoned warehouse, and the Port Mafia joining halfway through. Both the Agency and the Port Mafia had business with the thugs, so silently decided to join a temporary truce for the duration of the fight. It had been simple enough, the two organisations easily taking down the brutes, until they had gotten to the leader of the group. Not much information had been able to be provided for him, so Atsushi, Kunikida and Kenji were going into the fight almost completely blind, though Akutagawa, Higuchi and Hirotsu were going in with a bit more information than the Agency, though they hadn’t had any time to share any said information.

The fight was easy enough, the leader being cornered with Atsushi’s claws at his throat, and everyone was already letting out a breath. Then, the leader’s terrified expression had turned into one of glee, and he had, without warning, brought his hand up and placed it over Atsushi’s face. Almost immediately the albino had froze up, and the others, who, though they had relaxed slightly, were still keeping an eye on the man, immediately got back into their fighting stances, even more so when Atsushi’s ability suddenly deactivated and the boy dropped to the floor, unconscious. The man made a run for it, though he barely got 10 steps before Akutagawa used Rashoumon to slit his throat open. Kunikida and Higuchi had already run over to Atsushi, and he had been moved so he was lying on his back, Higuchi’s jacket folded under his head like a pillow. His face was scrunched up like he was in pain, and he wasn’t waking up at all. Shortly after, Dazai and Yosano showed up for agency, while Chuuya showed up for the Port Mafia. By then Atsushi had been carried outside of the warehouse to lay on the concrete, once again with Higuchi’s jacket as a pillow.

“Ha? What’s up with the weretiger?” Chuuya asked, waltzing into the scene. Heads turned at the arrival, though the Agency members almost immediately turned away, and the Port Mafia members bowed their heads in respect to a superior. Dazai practically bounced over to the redhead, slinging an arm around to rest on top of his head. “He got hit by an ability,” Dazai explained, while Chuuya was trying (and failing) to throw the arm off his head. At this Chuuya stilled, though still glaring at the brunette, and asked, “what kind of ability?”

“We’re not sure,” Kunikida chimed in. “All we know is that Atsushi was holding the boss of the organisation against the wall, and then the bastard did something to him and he ended up like this,” he finished, gesturing to where the albino lay. His face was still scrunched up, and now Kenji was running his hand through his hair, trying to somehow give him some sort of relief to the pain he must be feeling.

“The boss?” Chuuya asked, his eyes narrowing slightly.

“Yes,” Kunikida replied, his own eyes narrowing slightly in suspicion. “Why?”

“It must be the bastard’s ability,” was all the redhead gave in return, and everyone, save for Chuuya, froze.

“You know his ability?” Kunikida practically shouted at him. “What is it?”

“I’m not too sure what it’s called, but it basically traps a person in their mind, forcing them to relive every traumatic experience they’ve ever had. Would’ve been really useful for torture, which is what he usually used it for.”

“Is there any way to stop it?” Kenji chimed in from where was still kneeling next to Atsushi.

“Well, yeah, supposedly, either it runs its course or the ability or the user turns it off. And judging by the practically guilty looks on your faces I’m assuming you dumbasses killed him. Tch.”

“So, how long should it take?” Yosano asked, from where she had gone over to Atsushi to check up on him.

“There’s no set time. It’s sped up, so not in real time, but it goes on for the amount of traumatic memories. Nothing more, nothing less.” At this the entire mood dropped even further, almost everyone being gloomy in some way, even the Port Mafia members. Then, Chuuya perked up for a second. “Ah, I just remembered. It does apparently have a delayed starting effect.” There were a number of confused looks at this, and Chuuya continued. “Basically, the ability may be activated at a certain time but the actual effects don’t start until later. In this case, the delay should be roughly an hour.”

At this, Yosano turned to face Kunikida. “Wait, how long has it been since the ability was used?”

“I’m not-“ Kunikida started, before being cut off by Akutagawa, who had a surprisingly grim look on his face. “About just under an hour.”

There was an intake of breath as the information was processed. And then, the silence was ripped apart with a scream.

~|~

Atsushi was back. Why was he back. Why was he back why was he back whywashebackwhywashebackWHYWASHEBACK-

He was back in that cage. Back in that cellar. Back in that godawful prison. Back with those monsters.

He could feel multiple bruises and cuts all over his body, aches that pulsed alongside his heartbeat. He could feel the pangs of hunger ripping through his small body, forcing him to hunch even further into the small ball he was making to try and alleviate the pain of feeling like his stomach was trying to eat itself from the inside out. And his mind was yelling at him because how was he here again. The last thing he remembered was fighting alongside his fellow Agency members and the Port Mafia, defeating the thugs and the leader, and then his memory cut off. He hated it, hated how he seemed to draw a blank to anything that could help him get out of this nightmare. Though it wasn’t until he looked down at his curled up body that he really started to panic. He was a kid again. He was a kid, clothed in dirty rags and horrendously thin, thinner than a person, let alone a child, should ever be.

If his mind had been yelling at him earlier, then now it was screaming. Because this was impossible. He was in his 10 year old body, the phantom feeling of electricity tingling over his skin and sending him panicking just that little bit more, the rattle of chains connecting the metal collar around his neck to the wall behind him the only noise in the deafening silence threatening to swallow him whole.

How was he here. How was he here. How was he here. How was he here. HOW WAS HE HERE-

The last time he checked he was an 18 year old living in Yokohama and working for the Armed Detective Agency, happier than he had ever been in his entire 18 years alive. And now he was back in this prison, this nightmare, this everlasting fear. His breathing was quick, quicker than it should be, and his thoughts were bouncing through his brain faster than he could keep a track of, and now a headache was building to add to the pain already echoing throughout his body. At this point he was practically hyperventilating, and his chest was squeezing painfully, a hand clutching his shirt to try and alleviate something, anything, so that this feeling of absolute terror would go away. And then he froze, his breathing stopping altogether, at the sound of a voice that haunted his nightmares daily, and he could hear the sick grin in the man’s voice without even looking up.

“Atsushi. You’ve been gone too long. Welcome back.”

Chapter Text

It was cold. It was very cold. Why was it cold? Atsushi wasn’t sure. But it was cold.

He could feel the new hits already beginning to bruise, could feel the freezing cold of the winter air seep into his bones through the scrapes still open and slowly dying his clothes red with trickles of blood. How long was it since he returned here? Or, did he return at all? Did he just never leave, dream of getting out and finding a family? Because that’s what they were to him, he realised. A family, when he could comfortably say that in all of his years alive he had never called anyone ‘family’ before the Agency arrived in his life. Was he that desperate for affection? Of being accepted and welcomed? Of being warm? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of much these days.

But he was pretty sure they were real. He thinks.

His rambling thoughts were interrupted by the sudden and almost deafeningly loud sound of his stomach rumbling, clenching painfully at the smell of dinner being served above to the children who actually deserved it. Because he didn’t. He was a monster, a beast in human disguise. Or that’s what the Headmaster said. His stomach clenched painfully again, pulling a small cry from his abused voice box. It hurt. It hurt so bad. It hurt almost as much as the panic of not knowing what had happened, that ever constant panic of him overthinking, of ‘how did he get here?’ and ‘if it were a dream, why does everything feel so real?’ and ‘why does everything hurt'?

He misses Dazai. He misses Kyouka. He misses Kunikida. He misses the President. He misses Yosano, and Tanizaki, and Ranpo, and Kenji, and-

Once more, his thoughts were pulled to a stop as the door of the cellar creaked open. Atsushi froze, a cold shock of fear, even colder than the ice in his veins, freezing him to the spot. All he had done was grab a bit of forgotten candy. A small wrapped candy just lying on the ground in the kitchen, which he had saw while he was tasked to scrub the pans from the morning. He had quickly snuck it into his mouth, wanting to get any and all food into him. He had last had something to eat two days before that, and he wanted to at least try to not get to the point where the tiger had to break out and eat the chickens again, just so he wouldn’t starve to death. The only reason he knew the date was the fact that he was allowed out of the cellar to practically work as a slave, cleaning and scrubbing and cleaning once more, which meant that when he passed through the main hallway, he could see the calendar hanging on the wall. It was one of the few small things that even kept him sane at this point.

He had eaten the candy, and was so sure that he had gotten away with it, but the second he finished cleaning the last of the plates he had been grabbed by the ear by one of the orphanage workers and dragged down into the cellar, leading to where he was now.

His eyes immediately narrowed in on the things the Headmaster carried with him, an iron stake and a mallet. His breath caught in his throat, forcing himself not to scramble back into the corner when the Headmaster unlocked the cage door and walked over, kneeling in front of his trembling form.

“Ah, Atsushi, I’m so disappointed in you. You had been doing so well too,” the Headmaster spoke, the comforting façade of his voice and the gentle shake of his head pulling a small whimper from the albino’s throat. The Headmaster sighed, before resting the tip of the stake on the top of his foot. “You know Atsushi, I was actually planning to give you a small meal today, as a reward for you relatively good behaviour lately. It really is such a shame that you had to disobey me like that.” And that was its own pain in of itself, considering when he did get fed he usually only got scraps, some bread crusts, watery soup and some mushy vegetables the staple of his diet while in his nightmare of a place, never a meal, never even a small one.

“Now, your punishment for today is to make sure you don’t get out and cause any more trouble, ok?” the Headmaster prompted, tears already beading in the corner of Atsushi’s eyes. With that, the only warning of what was to come was the Headmaster picking up the mallet that had been resting on the floor beside the man and lifting it over his head. Atsushi’s entire body seized up, his heart practically stopping in his chest, and then the man swung it down with all his might, driving the stake clean through the boy’s foot.

And Atsushi wailed.

~|~

The sound of a blood curdling cry was all the group of people could hear, pulled from a throat that should never have to scream like that, followed by large sobs that broke the hearts of everyone who could hear them. Akutagawa felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest every time a new scream or sob rang through the house. They had moved Atsushi, albeit with some issue, to an empty mansion in the forest in order to give him space and to be able to look after him without any interruptions, and was currently acting as a kind of base of operations, as people came to see how he was. Currently he was resting in the master bedroom, kept alive thanks to the watch of the Agency’s doctor, a scary woman with short purple hair named Yosano, with a couple of other rooms set up for those staying at the mansion to look after him or to stay while visiting. They were currently in the sitting room, trying (and failing) to somehow block out the horrid sound of the boy’s screaming.

As much as he hated to admit it, Akutagawa actually did care for the weretiger, was always looking out for him during their joint missions, always had a part of his mind on him. Before, when he first heard of the albino’s less than welcoming past, he had scowled (because yes, he may be harsh and cold but he knows that nearly being killed twice when you’re a child is very much traumatic) and had scolded the younger for ‘being stuck in his memories’. But now, he wanted to go back and shove those words back into his past self’s mouth. It had been 3 days since Atsushi had been hit by the ability, and, given that Chuuya had said that the experiences were sped up, 3 days is much longer than a few near death experiences in the orphanage and the amount of times he had been attacked since arriving at Yokohama (and he couldn’t help but wince at that realisation, that the amount of times he himself had attacked the albino and given him another traumatic experience). And honestly, he had somewhat been comparing his own traumatic childhood to what he had assumed Atsushi’s childhood to be, and that feeling of guilt was heavier than anything he had ever felt before. He knew for a fact that if it had been him that had been hit by the ability he would’ve been out already, though he probably still would’ve been in there for 2, if not 3 days.

Another scream rung out, this time louder than the last and filled to the brim with pain, and he couldn’t help but flinch. He caught sight of a number of the others flinch too, including Dazai. The man in question looked horrid, his skin pale, deep bags under his eyes and his bandages not entirely wrapped properly. Though the Agency had started to take on a few jobs after the first day, both he and Yosano had been staying permanently at the mansion, both not taking on any more jobs until Atsushi woke up again. Yosano had been making Dazai take care of himself, despite how obviously he had been affected by what had happened. Dazai clearly cared for Atsushi, and originally when Akutagawa had seen the way Dazai looked at the weretiger he had been filled with jealousy. Now, that jealousy was a mere empty pang, as he saw how happy both Atsushi and Dazai were with each other, and if he didn’t know better he really would be able to mistake them as brothers. And, if he was being honest, he probably didn’t look that much better compared to the brunette. He didn’t know when, but somehow after being partnered up so many times with the albino, Atsushi had wormed his way through the walls he kept up and made his own little space in his heart. He knew that the panic he felt when the weretiger got attacked wasn’t because he wanted to be the one to kill him, that each time he called out to him in battle or assisted him wasn’t just to leave him in a good condition to fight him with, knew that the urge to hold him close and protect him from this shitty world wasn’t something that he would feel about an enemy. He wasn’t sure what he would call them, they certainly weren’t enemies any longer. Acquaintances? Reluctant co-workers? Friends, even?

The next sound that came from the boy in question was nothing but a sob, and Akutagawa could hear how hoarse his throat was, even from here. And that was what was even worse. The master bedroom was an entire floor and half the house away from the sitting room, yet the sounds of Atsushi’s pain could still be heard clearly from where they were. He wanted to go see the weretiger, goddamit. And wasn’t that a shock to realise. He wanted to go see Atsushi.

Chapter Text

Dazai was tired. Atsushi being hit by the ability had taken a massive toll on him, and now he felt more like a ghost floating around the halls of the mansion they were using than a person. His brain seemed to flow from one thought to another without much effort, barely mustering up enough energy to even think.

He hadn’t felt like this for a very long time. Years, in fact. More specifically, the last time he had ever felt like this was the first time that he had almost arrived too late after Chuuya had used corruption. Dazai would never admit it, but the sight of Chuuya attacking things left, right and centre with blood running down him and a manic grin splitting his face into two had sent panic flowing through his veins. (And he didn’t like thinking about how attached he had gotten to Atsushi, that this incident brought on the same feeling as it did back then. Nor did he like thinking about Chuuya, about how he had left the redhead behind and now he was so close yet so far.) Dazai wasn’t sure when he had gotten so close to the albino, how the boy had gone from a stray he found and a tactical advantage with his strong ability, to someone that he cared deeply for and someone he couldn’t help but feel almost parental tendencies towards (and that was even stranger, as he had never even really had a healthy parental figure, yet he couldn’t help from feeling that way towards Atsushi).

Whilst staying here, Yosano had been making sure that he looked after himself (which he was grateful for, if she wasn’t then he was sure he’d have ended wasting away already), in exchange for him to continue staying here. Yosano spent the majority of her day watching over Atsushi, making sure that nothing else happened to him and that he was getting the proper nutrients from the IV she set up. However, as she couldn’t watch Atsushi throughout the night as well, Dazai looked over the boy then, even if it meant that he didn’t get any sleep, as he was often awake through the majority of the day too. He wasn’t able to sleep that much either way, whenever he tried he often woke up within an hour or two from a nameless nightmare that he could never remember.

The past three days had been hectic. With people from both the Agency and the Port Mafia coming in regularly (and he had no clue how that happened, even if they had somehow decided that the mansion was a neutral zone and there was to be no fighting), there were always a few people in the sitting area. Sometimes they would just be sitting there, sometimes they would be reading a book or something they brought along with them, sometimes they would be taking a nap and sometimes they would be quietly talking with others, even sometimes to people from a different group than them (and seeing Kunikida quietly and calmly talking to Kouyo had been like walking into a brick wall). Dazai himself spent most of his day just sitting, letting himself get lost in his head, occasionally talking to others. He didn’t feel comfortable enough to sleep around anyone there, nor could he focus enough to read a book.

Other than Yosano and Dazai, the only other people that stayed permanently were Kyouka and a couple of Agency staff members who had volunteered to look after the house while they were there. However, there were some people who came regularly. Fukuzawa visited daily, staying just long enough to check on Atsushi and to check in with Yosano before heading back out again. A couple other Agency members, such as Kenji and the Tanizaki siblings, visited almost daily as well, though for a bit longer than the President did. There were others too, those not in a group who visited, like Lucy and the manager who both worked in the café below the Agency. Strangely enough, there was also a number of Port Mafia members who visited, such as Akutagawa’s assistant Higuchi, Chuuya and even Akutagawa himself. And wasn’t it a shock to see the noirette walk into the room and sit on one of the couches, and Dazai would’ve laughed if not for the fact that laughing at nothing would’ve likely made him look even more insane than he already was. When he had originally started pairing him and the weretiger together, it was purely because of how strong of a duo they were (and he wouldn’t admit it but it was also because of how they reminded him of Chuuya and himself, back when they were teenagers). But now, seeing how close the two had gotten, he was sure it hadn’t been a bad idea at all.

~|~

It hurt. Everything hurt. Why him? Why now?

He gently pressed a scrunched up cloth against the two new injuries on his side, dripping wet from the water from the small bucket of ice cold water he was given to wash himself. A pair of angry, red, long burns now marred his side, from where an iron poker fresh from the fireplace had been pressed against his skin. Even if it was may, the end of spring, somehow there was a fire going strong, as if they had known he was going to mess up badly, badly enough to be branded. He dipped the cloth back into the water, before pressing it against the wounds once more, hissing quietly at the stinging pain that ran through him at the sensation. And dammit, he hated feeling this pain, having to relive it. That’s what he had decided, after numerous hours of deliberation. That, somehow, he had either been transported back in time to his past body even with his present memories (which he highly doubted) or that he was trapped reliving memories in some sort of nightmare (which he thought was more likely). Either way, he absolutely hated it. Hated how he was never quite sure what was going on, how the way time seemed to skip fucked with his head even more.

Luckily, when they hurt him to this extent they at least provided some basic medical supplies to look after his wounds himself. After finishing cleaning the already blistering wounds, and gently pressing his old shirt against the wound to dry it (now ruined thanks to the holes where the poker had been held against him), he gently rubbed some of the burn cream against them, wincing all the while at the small, painful tugs whenever he moved. After he finished with the burn cream, he picked up the roll of bandages and gently started wrapping them around his torso. This hurt even more, as before when he only had to move his arm back and forth he now needed to rotate them a fair bit, pulling on the skin even more and hurting so much that silent tears began to spill down his face as he desperately tried to keep his breathing under control so he could finish as soon as possible. Atsushi finished pretty quickly after that, having gotten quite efficient when dressing his own wounds with how often it happened, making sure the bandages were tight enough to stay whilst not being tight enough to hurt. He then put on the new shirt left for him, though slowly as moving his arms up to put it over his head hurt even more. To be fair, it wasn’t even really a new shirt, just an old one from one of the older kids that had grown out of it, so it was already slightly raggedy and worn.

After he finished putting the shirt on, he moved over to where his bed lay. It was less a bed and more a pile of scraggly blankets that barely kept him warm, but he counted it as his bed anyways. He lay down, once again trying his hardest to keep the skin from around the new burns from pulling. Since they had thrown him back into the cell after burning all of his movements had been slow, as he knew that moving too much or too quickly would just hurt more, based on past experience. He just let himself stay lying down for a while, gently breathing and watching as the moon travelled across the sky though the small barred window up high on the wall of the cellar, letting his mind wander without any destination and letting the white light pass over him and feeling, as he often did in times like this, like a giant warm, fuzzy body was being pressed up against his. He let himself just lie there for a while, watching blankly as the moon climbed its way through the void of the night, until it was just cresting the edge of the top of the window, which meant that it would soon be midnight.

At this point, Atsushi slowly rolled over onto his stomach, being careful to not put too much pressure on the new wound, before slowly but surely drawing a cake in the dust gathering on the floor. Once he finished with the cake he drew thirteen lines on top, acting as candles. When he finished, he looked back towards the window, just watching once more until the top of the moon touched the top frame of the window, to which he turned back to his drawing on the floor and gently blew on it, watching as the dust flew in small swirls into the air, before slowly drifting back down to the floor where his ‘cake’ was now barely recognisable. His sigh disturbed the dust again, and he gently rolled back over to lie back down on his back, shutting his eyes and letting the unknown feeling of warmth press against him once more, his words sung under his breath and unheard by anything other than a white furred beast that had curled up against his mind.

“Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Atsushi, happy birthday to me.”

Chapter Text

It hurt. It hurt to see Atsushi like this, to see the person Kyouka had come to see like a brother hurting like this, to hear him screaming and crying. She didn’t like it one bit, but couldn’t do anything about it. Nothing at all. And she wanted to. She wanted to be able to comfort him like he had comforted her, to be there for him and to make the screaming go away.

Though she stayed everyday at the mansion, looking after Atsushi as much as she could (as well as making sure Dazai and Yosano were looking after themselves as well), she didn’t want to just be sitting around all day, so she took to having whoever was visiting from the Agency that day to bring over some of her, Yosano, Dazai and Atsushi’s paperwork to work through. She wasn’t allowed to do all of it, but she still managed to do a fair bit of it. And really, the constant looks of gratitude she got from Yosano, Dazai and whoever came to bring the paperwork for getting it done made up for the amount of time spent to do so. Though, she wasn’t really complaining, as she needed something to do get her mind off things and working did the trick, with the added bonus of being productive.

When she had noticed Dazai beginning to take over the night shifts of watching Atsushi for Yosano, she had been slightly concerned for his sleep. So, after a couple days and his eyebags being so dark they were nearly black, she began taking half the night shifts from Dazai so he could get some sleep himself. A fair amount of paperwork she actually did then, as there was already a desk in the room and the lights were kept on as Atsushi wasn’t going to wake up before the ability ran its course and the light helped the person watching Atsushi to be able to see if he was ok.

So yes, though it hurt and though she wanted Atsushi to just wake up, Kyouka supposed she was lucky that it wasn’t worse.

~|~

Yosano was worried. It had been a while since Atsushi had fallen under the ability, today would be the sixth day, and it was ridiculously stressful. Though there didn’t seem to be anything happening to him physically, she still stayed at the mansion being used to house Atsushi, as she at least wanted to make sure that nothing was happening to him physically. There was one small scare though, when his ability had activated during the day and she had to run downstairs to grab Dazai to nullify his ability, giving a shock not only to Dazai, Kyouka, the Agency staff staying there and herself but also the few people who were there for the day, the incident causing there to be tension for the rest of the day as everyone held their breath to see if it happened again, and now Dazai was always half ready to jump up at any moment when he was awake just in case.

She purposefully didn’t think about the small whimpers of a familiar name (and how on earth did Atsushi know Shibusawa’s name when as far as she knew he had first heard of the man during the incident, while he was currently stuck in the past?), but couldn’t help her eyes from lingering on the small scars which were a clear sign of being shocked that spanned across his whole body, but made a promise to herself to talk to Atsushi when this was over and hopefully try to get him set up with some sort of therapist. Everyone in the Agency had guessed that he didn’t have the best past, but nothing would have prepared them for this experience. Hell, even she had talked to Ranpo and even he admitted that he hadn’t been able to know much about the albino’s past thanks to the abysmal amount of information that had been available, both from the boy himself and from other sources.

All in all, Yosano just wanted this to be over.

~|~

Really, Chuuya didn’t know the kid that much. And yeah, he had met him, and yeah, he thought he was a nice person and hated the fact that something this bad was happening to someone who had been so open and so genuinely nice to him in what felt like the first time in years, but he still didn’t know him. Wasn’t affected like those from the Agency, who spent every day with him (and he had seen how Akutagawa had been just as affected and though he felt sorry for the noirette he could help but smile to himself to see the boy he had looked after after Dazai left finally healing), and yeah he was affected and yeah it sucked that so many people had to deal with so much worry but he couldn’t claim to feel that same worry. And he couldn’t say that he had spent much time with the weretiger, just been in a couple of joint meetings and one or two joint missions, plus spending a little bit of time together one day when they were both free and had happened to run into each other- yeah no, he was worried.

He had only known the albino properly for barely a month before this whole debacle started, but the kid had a heart of gold and had had him hooked from the start. They had been introduced during one of the rare joint meetings and had gone on maybe two joint missions, but the first time they really got to spend time together was when they had accidentally bumped into each other in the city before spending the day together when they realised both of them had the day off. And he felt drawn to the kid, occasionally saw the same look in the weretiger’s eyes that he had seen in his own for so long before joining the Port Mafia. And he wanted to protect the shine still in the kid’s eyes, the light that he had lost altogether.

So yeah, as much as he hated to admit it, he was very fucking worried.

~|~

Fukuzawa didn’t like this. Though he would never say it out loud, he saw all of the members of the Agency like his own children, and seeing one in such a horrid state and the rest so worried was hard. He hated it. Atsushi’s seemingly endless cries, the haunted look in Dazai’s eyes, the dark bags on so many faces, the guilty looks of Akutagawa (most likely blaming himself for killing the ability user) and Chuuya (most likely for not being able to give the information before all this happened). Each day he went to check up on Atsushi, each day he hoped desperately that when he got there the albino’s purple eyes would be open, that he would be sitting up with his usual sunshine smile on his face and a greeting on his lips. But each day he got there, and each day he was still asleep.

It had now been 8 full days since the weretiger had been hit with the ability, and each day everyone who was at the mansion, whether they were staying there or just visiting, looked even worse. And really, he wasn’t sure what was worse, the fact that the boy still hadn’t woken up or the fact that with each passing day the worry grew and grew until it was nearly tangible in the air.

Just the other day he had had a conversation with Yosano about asking Atsushi if he wanted to see a therapist or something similar after he woke up, as this had gone on for far too long to be healthy. He just hoped the boy woke up soon.

Chapter Text

Atsushi stood outside the two wrought iron gates that he had seen so many times in his life. Except now, he was seeing them from the other side. He stood there, starting at the orphanage on the other side of the gates, for what felt like hours but may have been minutes. Then, he took a deep breath, pulled the strap of his bag further up his shoulder, turned around and started walking. It started out as slow and trudging, but soon a smile started to bloom on his face and he gradually began to speed up until it seemed like he was running, his breath stuttering in his lungs and his surroundings blurring unnaturally and all he could think about was the fact that soon he would be able to see everyone, see the Agency and Dazai and Kyouka and even Akutagawa. A part of him was bitter about having to leave the orphanage where he had spent so much of his life, even if they had treated him horribly, and somehow he knew that this was the remnants of what he felt when he first left. But the rest of him was ecstatic because he was finally out, could finally see everyone and get out of this hellish nightmare world.

He was out, he was out, he was finally out.

His smile now stretched from ear to ear, and he knew if this were real then he would undoubtedly be getting many odd looks by now. At this point he knew for certain that this wasn’t real, as he had tried many times to not do what he remembered doing, to try and change whatever was going on, but each and every time he did his body moved by itself and an outside force made him do whatever he originally did. By now he had just accepted it, let himself get swept up in the tide of his memories as each stung more than the last and were branded further into his mind, the only thing keeping him from losing himself in the pain being that fact that, for no apparent reason, he just knew that if he was able to get through this then he would be able to see everyone again.

His surroundings seemed to almost skip for a second, and for an instant he was at the bank where he had first met Dazai, seeing the man’s legs sticking out of the water and Kunikida shouting from the opposite bank, to the restaurant and the warehouse. The world went black once he transformed into the tiger, before refocusing again and he was suddenly at the Agency for the first time, Tanizaki on the desk with the fake bomb and Naomi sitting tied up on the floor. He first tried bargaining with Tanizaki, before everything went to shit and the bomb was set off. He flung Naomi over to Dazai before hugging the bomb to his chest without thinking. Then the scene changed again, and now he was following Higuchi alongside Naomi and Tanizaki, watching Naomi get riddled with bullets to protect her brother and Akutagawa stabbing Tanizaki with Rashoumon. This time, when he turned into the tiger he was able to see what happened, though it was hazy and blurry.

He blinked again and suddenly he was on the train with Yosano, the bombs going off and the brutal attacks of Demon Snow. He watched as Kyouka threw herself off the train, and himself leaping after her, flinging the bomb away and holding her to his chest. He watched as the scene shifted again and suddenly Akutagawa was behind him, stabbing him with Rashoumon and throwing him harshly into a nearby truck. For the brief instant where the scenes where changed Atsushi noted that it seemed like everything was getting faster. While he was still at the orphanage each memory played out relatively like it would have in real-time, with the gaps and skips between memories speeding everything up. Now it seemed like as he grew older each memory was sped up slightly, with a lot more jumps and skips during the actual memories and everything blurring slightly together. Then his eyes blinked open in the shipping container and he was flung out by Rashoumon. The fight once more seemed to be sped up, though each time he was skewered with Rashoumon was more painful than the last. Then he was punching through Devoured Space and hitting Akutagawa square in the face, and falling off the ship with Kyouka into the boat with Kunikida. And just before he succumbed to the urge to sleep he couldn’t help that small smile that tugged at his mouth from the warmth in his chest at the sight of Akutagawa and reassurance that, no matter what had happened between them, he still couldn’t bring himself to hate the man.

When he next opened his eyes he was in Anne’s room, with the familiar face of Lucy facing towards him. He watched as Tanizaki was pulled into the backroom, as he almost left and as he tricked Lucy into disabling her ability. Then he was at the park, Golden Demon stabbing him through the back and Kouyou standing in front of him and Kyouka, of the attacks of Golden Demon ripping his body to shreds and Kyouka desperately fighting back, of the Guild appearing out of nowhere and absolutely decimating them.

The scene skipped again (there hadn’t been this many skips so quickly before, it was slightly jarring), and now he was facing off against Fitzgerald alongside Akutagawa, before the Moby Dick started plummeting again and Kyouka sacrificed herself. The relief that flooded him when he saw that Kyouka was alive and that Akutagawa was ok made him happy, and the sight of Akutagawa literally collapsing at Dazai finally acknowledging him almost made him laugh.

Atsushi was so close. He knew it. So close, and soon he would be able to see everyone again properly.

~|~

For the first time since Atsushi was first hit with the ability, Akutagawa was finally getting to see him for more than a passing glance. He had decided to stay the night after both Dazai and Kyouka needed to get some rest, and since they took the night shifts he was taking over for the night. Currently he was sitting in the armchair positioned beside the bed rather than at the desk across the room. Now that he had the chance to be close to the weretiger he wanted to make as much of it as possible, it almost felt as if there was something pulling him towards the albino. The more he thought about it the more his chest tightened. When he first felt it he thought his condition was acting up before realising that it didn’t feel similar at all, left more like his heart was squeezing itself rather than the pressure of a rattling cough on his lungs. And then he had been able to see Atsushi and the pressure lessened just slightly, and the more time he spent beside him the more the pressure decreased, though it never truly left.

Akutagawa’s attention was suddenly drawn to the bed when Atsushi shifted, his face scrunching up as if in pain with a small whimper escaping. He panicked for a second, before hesitantly reaching over and gently carding his fingers through the albino’s hair. He had absolutely no idea what to do in situations like this, but he had seen Dazai do this to Chuuya once when the redhead was incapacitated after using Corruption, so it was the first thing he had thought to do. It surprisingly worked, his face relaxing after a second or two. Akutagawa sighed in relief, before moving to take his hand away. Before he could however, Atsushi’s hand leapt out and latched onto his wrist with surprising speed and strength, stopping him from moving away. His eyes immediately went to the boy’s face, hoping desperately for purple eyes to be blinking back at him but being greeted with his eyelids, still shut. The small feeling of hope was quickly lost, but when he went to try and pull his hand out of Atsushi’s grip he found he couldn’t. He stayed there, half leaning over the bed with his hand still in Atsushi’s grasp, for a while, trying to think of what to do, until there was a small tug at his wrist. His gaze snapped back to Atsushi again in some sort of vain hope that he had, in fact, woken up, but was once again proven wrong.

Then, Atsushi tugged on his wrist again, this time with a lot more power behind it, enough to completely pull Akutagawa onto the bed, Atsushi wrapping his arms around his waist before he understood what even happened. After his sight stopped spinning from the sudden movement, he took a second to take note of where he now was. He was lying on the bed with Atsushi, the weretiger curled up next to him with his arms around Akutagawa’s waist and his head on his chest, with Akutagawa’s arm behind his head. Akutagawa was frozen, his muscles tense and unsure of what to do. As if he could tell, Atsushi nuzzled further into his chest and he couldn’t help but relax further into the soft bed. After a second he let the arm that Atsushi was lying on rest over his shoulders, hugging him further into him, and letting his head fall back onto the soft pillow after pulling the cover up over both of them. He stayed there for a while, just starting up at the ceiling as the gentle rise and fall of Atsushi’s chest as he breathed matched with the soft sheets slowly began to lull him into a peaceful sort of calm. Though he tried to stay awake, the stress from the past week and a half was catching up with him and the sudden respite from that meant that he very quickly gave into the soft darkness of sleep. (And he would later wake up the next morning to Dazai, Kyouka and Yosano snickering quietly with their phones out, undoubtedly having taken many photos. He had scowled at the sight of them and the slight embarrassment running through him, though when Atsushi had once more nuzzled back into his side whilst he was trying to shoo the others away that embarrassment had quickly been lost to a flush on his face and numerous other photos.)

Chapter Text

The next time Atsushi opened his eyes, he was in the Agency meeting room, with the lights dimmed and the projector on. Instantly he recognised the situation, and he mentally grimaced at the realisation of what was happening. Each body projected up onto the screen made bile rise at the back of his throat bit by bit. The fire ability, card ability, ice ability. The “Serial Gifted Suicide Incident”. Even the sound of it sent shivers down his spine, and the memory of the event made his stomach clench uncomfortably. Then Kunikida switched the image to a familiar, white-haired man and suddenly Atsushi was back in front of that door. He now knew what the door was and who the man was, yes, and that he had well and truly been taken care of, but the sight still filled him with the uncomfortable sense of foreboding and familiarity combined. He was pulled back from his thoughts by Kyouka asking if he was alright, and dismissed her worry immediately.

Then the scene shifted, and in the black of the short time between memories, Atsushi briefly caught sight of the nightmare that had plagued him that night, of the orphanage workers yelling at him and of the door, glowing uncannily in the dark. Then he was waking up in the closet where he slept, and Kyouka was coming to check on him. Then he was rushing to the window, flinging it open and staring out at the fog that covered everything as far as the eye could see. After a brief panic, he and Kyouka quickly got dressed before running out of the building, into the fog-covered streets. Even a second time around, the lack of people or even living things made a shiver go down his spine. All the cars empty on the road, the streetlights illuminating the fog and making it almost shine in the darkness. Then the Headmaster appeared behind him, and he felt like he was going to throw up.

As they ran, Atsushi’s mind wandered. This memory was different to the other ones. For one, it had had barely any shifts at all, and in recent memories it seemed like time had sped up, whilst in this one it seemed to be going normally, like it did in his memories of the orphanage. Not only that, there was a weird sense of uneasiness that whispered in the back of his mind, something that wasn’t there when this actually happened.

As he and Kyouka ran down the street, they came across a pool of blood splashed between a few cars. They noticed a small path of droplets leading off to a nearby alley and followed it, though they stopped at the mouth of the alley, freezing at the sight of two feline eyes staring back at them from within the darkness. Though he still felt the shiver from the unnaturalness of those eyes, what made him freeze up mentally wasn’t that shiver, but something he hadn’t heard the first time due to the rush of adrenaline. But now that he was only watching as something of a third party, the sound echoed in his mind, something he won’t ever be able to rid himself from, something that would probably end up as another one of his nightmares.

The crunching of bones.

And suddenly the lack of body in the pool of blood made horrid sense, and if Atsushi had any control of his body he would be throwing up. Distantly, he could see him and Kyouka running away from the tiger, but his brain was still stuck on the fact that the tiger had just eaten someone.

His own ability had just eaten someone.

He was jerked back into the moment when he tripped over someone, remembering dully that it was Kunikida. As he quickly shoved any and all thoughts of what just happened to the back of his mind to process later, Atsushi watched as Kunikida shot at the tiger and the car it stood on, watched as the bullets bounced off its fur and hit the car, leaking petrol onto the concrete and getting set off by the cracking electricity of a fallen traffic light, setting the car ablaze. Then they were running again, crawling through a small door in a fence, and then Demon Snow was cutting threw that same fence and they were running again, jumping into a car that Kyouka had hotwired and speeding away.

There was a shift, briefly flashing past the three of them in the Agency building contacting Ango and loading up on weapons, before he and Kyouka were back in the car, and Kunikida staying behind to try and fight his ability. Then Demon Snow was stabbing through the roof of the car, narrowly missing his legs. Kyouka swerved to try and shake the ability off, but when that didn’t work she threw them both out the door and let the car crash into the end of the street. They tumbled across the pavement, Kyouka immediately getting into a fighting stance, her knife drawn. As she parried against the ability, Atsushi pulled out his gun, only to realise in a panic that he had accidentally left the safety on. Then Akutagawa was appearing out of nowhere, sending Demon Snow flying. He pointed his gun at the noirette out of panic, though his attention was quickly drawn to Rashoumon, appearing from through the fog. A being of black fabric, woven together into human form and glowing and ominous red. He felt the tiger at his back next, moving his head slightly so he could keep both in view at once. Demon Snow descended behind Kyouka and Akutagawa, and now they were surrounded.

Rashoumon leapt at them and they all prepared to fight, but then the tiger rammed into the ability, sending them both flying to the side. As the two abilities faced off, Demon Snow came hurtling at them from the side, only barely being blocked by Kyouka.

“There should be a secret passage nearby for the Mafia brass,” Kyouka said to the two of them. “Come, jinko,” Akutagawa said, and quickly turned to run. And though he protested leaving Kyouka, she promised she would be there soon, so Atsushi quickly ran after the noirette’s retreating figure.

Though Atsushi wouldn’t admit it, hearing his supposed rival’s voice was actually very comforting, the deep almost-rasp making some part of his relax, his muscles untensing just slightly.

They ran into a dark diner, quickly entering the kitchen and Atsushi had to practically throw himself backwards in order to not get his throat slit by the sharp kitchen knife Akutagawa had flung around before stabbing it into a gap in the wall, opening to reveal an elevator. Just as they entered, Kyouka burst through the door, slid across the counter and ran into the elevator with them, Demon Snow hot on her heels. The doors of the elevator shut just in time, blocking them from the ability. The next second the lights in the elevator switched on, and they were moving.

He tried to block out Akutagawa’s taunts, but quickly got angry even with his efforts when the comments were aimed at Kyouka, glaring into steel-grey eyes. Then he learned that Dazai had joined the enemy, and his blood boiled at Akutagawa’s promise to be the one to kill Dazai. Without thinking he pointed the gun he still held at the noirette’s face, before the elevator came to a stop with a thunk and the doors opened. Akutagawa walked out, Atsushi’s gun aimed at his back, and just before the doors shut between the noirette and him and Kyouka, her hand slipped into the gap and stopped them.

“I’m going with him.”

~|~

The further they walked, the more anxious Atsushi felt. Reasonably, he knew for a fact that nothing actually happened from following Akutagawa, it actually meant that they ended up winning in the end, but at the time he had felt anxious and so reliving it, he naturally felt that same anxiety.

When they surfaced, it was to an alley between large pipes, the fog illuminated a creepy teal green and a factory stretching up from the black of the night in the distance. Then their attention was pulled to Rashoumon standing ominously above them, Akutagawa walking off into the fog to fight the ability. Threw the fog to the left of Atsushi, Demon Snow emerged, Kyouka drawing her knife and preparing to fight as well, the sound of clashing blades filling the air as the two collided. Atsushi himself whirled around when he felt the tiger behind him.

He ran down the pathway, turning and shooting at the tiger. It leapt at him, scratching him hard on the arm that wasn’t holding the gun, luckily. As he was trying to figure out how to defeat it, he caught sight of a red, diamond shaped gem, immediately aiming at it with his gun. Though, each of the bullets bounced off its pelt as it turned around and he lost sight of the gem. He began to panic when his gun ran out of bullets, throwing it to the ground. It ran at him again, this time cutting his other arm and knocking him to the ground. As he rolled over to get back up, he noticed a cement brick lying on the ground nearby, scrambling over to it and picking it up. He looked over at Kyouka only to see her blade snap, and he barely had enough time to run over and hold the cement block in a way so that Demon Snow’s blade would get stuck in it. After snapping her out of whatever trance she had been in, she quickly shattered the gem on Demon Snow’s forehead with the handle of her blade, and it disappeared in a flurry of purple colour.

Suddenly the tiger ran at him, grabbing his thigh between its teeth and carrying him off. It threw him down onto the ground, before leaping to jump on him, but before it could he brought the cement block, still with Demon Snow’s sword stuck in it, ramming it into its mouth, stabbing through the back of its head and pushing it further with his foot, shattering the gem. The tiger, still hovering mid-air, burst into a flurry of blue, the cement block falling to the ground. As he and Kyouka stared up at the spindly building reaching up through the fog, framed ominously against the full moon, Demon Snow came up behind them, gently handling Kyouka her phone, which had fallen off during the fight. Kyouka took it from the ability, before it disappeared once again into a flurry of purple, this time disappearing into Kyouka. This, however, prompted Atsushi to question why Kyouka had gotten her ability back when he himself hadn’t.

However, he was pulled out of his thoughts when Akutagawa walked out of the fog, and (though he would never admit it) the sight of the noirette made him let out a breath of relief. With his appearance, Atsushi realised that he would’ve also got his ability back, which made him start getting anxious again. “Why am I the only one who hasn’t?” he mumbled, not intending for either of the others to hear him, which meant he was even more shocked when Akutagawa yelled at him. “Fool! Do you still not understand?” No. No he didn’t, couldn’t figure out at all why he was the only one who hadn’t gotten his ability back despite defeating it.

And suddenly he was in front of the door again, the slight blue shine against the void of the surroundings sending shivers down his spine, made worse by the familiar figure of the orphanage Headmaster illuminated in red.

As he was panicking over the sudden unknown vision in his head, Akutagawa just calmly walked past him, Atsushi yelling after him to explain. Explain why he was seeing things, explain why he didn’t have his ability when it seemed obvious that the older male knew something, explain why his head was suddenly pounding. Then Kyouka was following him, saying “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you” and that she didn’t want him to know. This just gave him even more questions, until she replied to his question. “That I control Demon Snow with my phone. That I don’t want to hate her.” And Atsushi felt his heart ache at the wobble in her voice, at the pain in her eyes. But the admission that she was the one controlling Demon Snow, that there hadn’t been someone else controlling the ability without her consent, still shocked him to the core. With a final goodbye of “I’ll complete the mission”, before she turned and started walking, Atsushi couldn’t help but try and follow her, instead falling to the concrete as his legs refused to work.

A minute or two after Kyouka disappeared into the fog, a frankly ridiculous gust of wind buffeted his face, and when he opened his eyes he was in the same void of black that he had seen before. The door stood ominously in front of him, and whilst he was distracted by it a familiar yet terrifying voice echoed out from behind him.

“Don’t open that door,” the Headmaster said, and Atsushi couldn’t help the small pang of fear that rushed through him. “Though you have neither the courage nor the dignity. You’ve finally lost your tiger’s ability. Part with it and move on. Don’t worry, no one expects anything of you.” And though the words were meant to be comforting, they just made him angry.

“I won’t listen to you,” he said instead, forcing his limbs to cooperate and walking forwards despite the strong winds blowing from nowhere towards him. When he got close enough, he reached out with both hands and grabbed a handle in each.

“Once you know, you can’t go back to not knowing. If you’ve made it to the door, it isn’t locked.” With that Atsushi somehow realised, without looking back, that whilst he had been getting to the door the Headmaster had turned around, and the red shine on the man gone, replaced with blue. How he knew this he couldn’t figure out at all, but his thoughts were cut off by the man’s next words. “Go of your own will, and die.” Atsushi steeled himself and stood up to face the door properly, his hands still grasping the handles. He took a final breath before pulling, using his whole strength to pry the double doors open.

And then he was back in his 10-year-old body again, with electricity thrumming through his veins and screams tearing from his throat. Then a shining blue prism emerged from his chest, and Shibusawa, who was standing in front of him staring avidly, leaned forwards in excitement. Then it was like his heartbeat stopped in his chest for a second, and then his ability was activating, his arms and legs transforming and ripping threw the restraints. Shibusawa staggered back a step, and suddenly it was like Atsushi’s jaw unhinged, opening up unnaturally wide and swallowing the ability whole. And then he was turned into the tiger itself, and his claws came slashing down across Shibusawa’s face, cleaving three lines across his face.

“Right. I remember now. That moment, I used my claws. That moment, I used my claws. That moment, I used my claws. That moment, I used my claws. That moment, I used my claws. That moment, I used my claws. That moment, I used my claws.” It seemed like Atsushi’s brain was stuck on repeat, just him repeating the same sentence over and over as if he couldn’t process it.

“That moment, I hit the switch. Because I heard your special ability was one that guided the envy of all other gifted.” And this broke him slightly from the panic rising in his chest, to instead puzzle over what on earth that was supposed to mean.

“That moment, I used my claws.”

“That’s right. That moment, you killed me. With those claws of yours.”

That made anger flare up in Atsushi. “What do you expect?!” he yelled. “I wanted to live! A boy always uses the claws of a tiger in order to live!”

They stood there for a second, before Shibusawa started glowing the now-familiar, ominous red. “It wasn’t the special abilities that I sought,” the man said, once more adding to Atsushi’s confusion. “It was the glimmer of the light of the tenacious life force, prevailing over my own special ability… over my own fate. It was the light you’d shown me.” He suddenly was then consumed by the red light, though he kept talking. “By killing me, your soul had proven to me the strength of life. Show me your light once more!” And then with a blink, Atsushi was left alone in the horrid room in front of an empty pool of blood.

What’s the light of life? I don’t have any light of life. When I lost my tiger abilities to the fog, I was honestly relieved that now I didn’t have to hurt the people around me. That the tiger and I are actually separate creatures. But… the tiger once helped me. He stood there, just staring at the puddle of red for an unknown amount of time, let the stench of iron invade his senses and the evening light dance in front of his eyes in the reflection. No matter where I run, the tiger follows. It’s the same as the way I can’t escape the beating of my own heart. For you’re my strength to keep living. And he could feel the tiger at his back, through on the other side of the doors. I hear you well, now. I understand your words well. He could feel it prowl closer. I know. I know everyone’s souls are on fire. I’ll say the same to you. Hurry up, or I’ll leave you behind. He whirled around to face the beast, before shouting come, tiger! and stretching out his hand towards it.

And then he was crashing into the ground between Shibusawa and Kyouka as the tiger, before the tiger disappeared and he was left, crouching and ready to pounce.

“Are you going to kill me again, Nakajima Atsushi-kun?” Shibusawa teased, and with his heightened senses he could feel both Kyouka and Akutagawa jerk in shock, whether it was because the man knew his name or the revelation that he had killed him, he didn’t know. And Shibusawa looked so much different it was ridiculous, scales crawling along his skin and a bright red horn sticking from his forehead. “I’m simply going to return something to where it belongs,” he replied.

“Don’t be mistaken. I’m not stopping you,” Shibusawa said with a laugh in his voice, and Atsushi leapt forwards. He swiped at the man, and dodged when attacks were sent his way. “Good, Atsushi-kun. You are indeed special.” This back-and-forth continued for a bit, before Shibusawa spoke again. “I’m definitely not bored anymore,” the man said, with Atsushi’s fist pressed up against his face. He kicked Atsushi to the side, Akutagawa taking the moment of distraction to activate Rashoumon and grabbing onto his arms, but all Shibusawa did was swing his arms around and throw the noirette into the air, whipping him back down to crash against the ground. Demon Snow also attacked, the swings of her sword getting blocked effortlessly by the scales on the man’s arms. He then kicked at the ability, dissipating it and sending Kyouka flying with the shockwave. Atsushi barely managed to get to her before she smashed into a nearby wall, using his body to cushion the landing.

“The three of us need to combine our strength. Otherwise we can’t secure our place of being.” He pulled himself out of the rubble, before speaking again. “You can call Demon Snow again, right?” And as Kyouka stared at him, Akutagawa withdrew himself from where he had fallen, catching their attention. “Kyouka, jinko… you understand what you need to do, don’t you?” he said as he stood up on wobbly feet. “Yeah, I know,” Atsushi replied, walking towards Shibusawa once more. “Kyouka-chan,” he then said, catching her attention. “You said you didn’t want to hate Demon Snow. She’ll respond to your words.”

And then he was leaping at Shibusawa once more, kicking and punching at the man. He got thrown back after a minute but charged right back in, yelling as he did. “Your naivete is beautiful.” And then he was flying into the air, and Atsushi called out to Kyouka as she activated her ability, the now-familiar ability appearing behind Shibusawa, stabbing him through the stomach. “It’s no use, give it up!” the man screamed as they fell, the ability pinning him to the ground as Atsushi called out to Akutagawa next. “Don’t tell me what to do!” the noirette yelled back, activating his ability nonetheless and wrapping it around to form a dome over the man, as Atsushi leapt into it before it closed, before it lifted into the sky.

They faced off inside that sphere, both glaring. “I won’t let you get away this time,” Atsushi growled, leaping off the rock he had been standing on and hurtling towards Shibusawa. He hit him and kept going, bouncing off the walls and hitting the man every time he passed. “Do you feel it?” Shibusawa yelled, as Atsushi rushed towards him, meeting him head-on. His horn let out some sort of light, destroying the sphere of Rashoumon and sending everything and everyone flying. “Show me once more that glimmer that opposes all special abilities!” he yelled, and then Atsushi’s ability was once more being pulled from his chest, causing his arms and legs to return to normal, staring at the blue prism once more hovering over him. “Beautiful,” Shibusawa said, reaching for it “This is the supreme special ability.” Before he could grab it, though, Atsushi cried out “no!” and suddenly Shibusawa’s hand was being forced backwards, away from the prism, and his face morphed into one of shock. “That’s not an ability,” Atsushi cried, reaching for it himself. “That’s me!”

As both their hands reached for the prism, Atsushi’s hand reached it first, the familiar blue light enveloping him and activating his ability once more. He flew forwards, meeting Shibusawa in the middle and grappling with him, desperately pushing him backwards. “I understand everything, now,” the man said, “why I’m here, why you appeared before me, and what his words mean… you… you must be the angel who saves me.” And then the horn shattered, and Shibusawa disappeared, leaving only a skull hovering in the air, which Atsushi promptly crushed between his hands. The red cloud that had covered the city at Shibusawa’s reappearance dispersed, Atsushi gently floating back to the ground.

He looked back at Kyouka, smiling gently, his heart warming at the smile she gave in return. As the sun peaked over the horizon, Akutagawa stood up and began walking off. As he and Kyouka watched the sunrise, they turned around at a pair of familiar footsteps, being greeted with none other than Dazai.

“Atsushi-kun, what I did earlier…” Dazai started, before trailing off.

“You… you tried to protect this city,” Atsushi replied.

“Do I look like such a good person?” Dazai said in return, closing his eyes as if he were exasperated.

At this, however, Atsushi blinked in confusion. “Sure, why?” And even though to him it had seemed like a reasonable statement, both Dazai and Kyouka looked to him in surprise.

“Well, whatever. I hope he managed to fill his boredom and loneliness.” Dazai said, walking past them to stare at the sun. “Is this really what you wanted?” Kyouka said. “Just as Shibusawa was able to forget he’d been killed before, I think Dazai can put his past behind him again,” Atsushi replied. “But this is right. At least, for now, I’m proud we were able to protect the city together. I think it’s a little more beautiful to live on with you and Kyouka-chan and the others.”

Suddenly a cry from beside them pulled his attention. “You! Boneheads! You’re still alive!” Kunikida yelled from beside the President, Kenji, Yosano and an exhausted looking Tanizaki.

“Everyone’s safe,” Atsushi said, relieved.

“Of course,” Dazai replied. “We’re the Armed Detective Agency, after all. Right?”

“Yeah.”

Chapter Text

When Atsushi came into awareness, he was running up to Kunikida in the office, desperately asking if the president was really attacked and if he was ok. Listening to Dazai and Kunikida talk about the mysterious killer attacking gifted brought a gross taste to his mouth even the second time around. The realisation that the Port Mafia would actually lose the most stunned him slightly, but after that Kunikida dismissed the conversation and quickly hurried him to do his work, which is what he spent the rest of the day doing. Just as he was finishing up his work, however, Dazai came over to him to tell him that Dazai, Kyouka and himself were being requested to look into reports of a police officer stabbing a citizen after a car exploded, so he packed up his things into his desk and followed the brunette. When they got to the scene, he and Kyouka went around questioning witnesses, but when he looked back up to tell Dazai what he’d found out from the witnesses the man was gone. They spent the next little while looking around for him, and Atsushi panicked hard when he eventually found him bleeding out from a wound in his stomach in an alleyway.

He immediately called an ambulance, which arrived very quickly. Soon after, the scene skipped, and he was running up to the others in the hospital hurriedly yelling that the Port Mafia were here, and had surrounded the building. With rushed instructions, Kunikida formed a plan and they ran off. Whilst Tanizaki distracted the Port Mafia with his illusions, the rest of them hurried the President away from the hospital in a borrowed ambulance. Whilst Ranpo explained the situation and the plan to them, the situation skipped along, until it moved to him and Kunikida standing in front of a rickety, rundown building made of old corrugated iron. They ran into the building and down a staircase built into the floor, kicking down the door at the bottom only to revealed an empty, dirty kitchen with a pan of food sitting scattered on the floor, still hot.

When he spotted the trapdoor on the floor, slightly open and half hidden behind a trashcan in the corner, he pointed it out to Kunikida, the man slowly walking over to it and opening it fully to reveal a ladder going down. The ladder ended in a sewer system, and as they landed at the bottom they saw the man they were after running off to the side. Atsushi quickly crouched down, using his ability on his legs and transforming them. He pushed off the ground and dashed forwards, only to realise that there was a bullet rushing at his face. His head flew back as it impacted, falling to the floor as Kunikida ran over to him. He sat up, he mind reeling just as quickly as the bullet spinning in the grasp of his teeth, spitting it to the side as suddenly a bunch of kids appeared out of nowhere with machine guns and started shooting at them. After they had quickly gotten behind the slight safety of a jut out in the wall beside them, Kunikida threw a tear gas bomb made from his ability at them, effectively giving them cover to get past and to temporarily disable the children. However, just as they were running past one of the kids stood up and aimed his gun at them, and Atsushi panicked when he realised he wouldn’t be able to dodge in time. Whilst Atsushi was panicking, Kunikida shot the child in the arm, and when Atsushi looked over to him he had such a complex expression that he could barely begin to decipher it. Without any more delays, the two ran onwards.

When they next rounded the corner and came face to face with a young girl with grenades attached to the collar of her dress, Kunikida sent him off to run after the ability user while the blonde handled the girl. Atsushi caught up with him just as he was untying a small boat, gently bobbing on the water. Atsushi immediately pounced on him, tackling him to the floor and holding his arm against his back. The scene skipped over the next short while, which Atsushi remembered to be when he found out that Fyodor had tricked them, and when they rescued Tanizaki from the Port Mafia. It also skipped over him and Kunikida seeking out Katai only to find out he had been attacked and escaped.

When the scene refocused and Atsushi was in the back of a truck, he and Akutagawa sitting on the floor with Dazai in between them on a crate, holding the back of their collars like they were kittens (he had to shove down a weird feeling building up in his chest at the realisation). Though, he didn’t expect the warmth that flooded his veins at the sight of the noirette, or how it seemed that every time he saw him a little bit of tension fled from his muscles. Even as they bickered half-heartedly all the way there, he couldn’t help the tiny smile that tugged on the corners of his mouth (and though he was sure Akutagawa hadn’t seen it he was certain that Dazai had, based on the teasing smirk the man sent his way as soon as Akutagawa’s head was turned). He also couldn’t stop the small flicker of something similar to pride in his chest when, to get into the base without being detected, the noirette simply dug tendrils of Rashoumon into the dirt and hoisted himself onto the roof of the base, cutting through the rock and dropping down silently. To get past the guards and sensors himself, he activated his ability on his legs before shooting off the ground, going so fast he was merely a blur and a rush of air, which was a technique he had been working on for a while. He caught up to Akutagawa almost instantly, landing in front of him with a barely-there thud as his ability dissipated.

As he trailed after Akutagawa, Atsushi desperately tried to talk to him, to formulate a plan, but everything the noirette seemed to say just rubbed him the wrong way. When he lashed out and yelled that it was no wonder Dazai had left him, he immediately regretted it, his mouth snapping shut and his heart dropping in his chest. When Akutagawa did nothing but give a simple agreement and turned around to keep walking, Atsushi both felt relief that he wasn’t going to attach but also a small nugget of something close to guilt or regret in his chest. He slowly began following the noirette, but quickly stopped him when he saw the blinking red light of a detector up ahead, his heightened hearing picking up on two guards walking up behind them too. When Akutagawa quickly restrained the guards with his ability Atsushi breathed a small breath of relief, easily getting them to cooperate and them leading the pair to a blast door where they suspected Fyodor to be.

The small chat he managed to have with Akutagawa while Katai tried to open the door made a warm feeling spread through his chest and his heart start beating just a little bit faster, but when Katai told them that Pushkin, who they were after, was right beside them, Atsushi couldn’t push the other out of the way of the bullet fast enough. When the man ran off, Atsushi quickly ran after him, rounding a corner only to see him hop into a cart sitting there. When Akutagawa collapsed, Atsushi felt his heart skip a beat, especially when the glowing circle of Pushkin’s ability appeared over the noirette.

They quickly got into their own cart, chasing after them as quickly as they could. The chase was tense, especially when Pushkin blew up the track in front of their cart and sent them tumbling across the floor. Without even thinking about it he pulled Akutagawa up by the collar of his jacket and flung him up into the air, quickly crouching down and activating his ability just as the noirette landed on his back, grabbing onto the back of Atsushi’s shirt and then he was pushing off the ground, speeding towards Pushkin’s cart faster than their cart had been going (and he was somewhat surprised and how easy it was to carry the other, he felt like a normal weight and not ridiculously light, though the constant complaints about the “ride” were definitely pissing him off). Rashoumon certainly came in handy when Pushkin tried to bury them under rubble, cutting it up and letting them run past. They finally caught up with him in a ravine that the track ran though, leaping up to attack when suddenly a column of stone came out of nowhere and rammed into them. When a stone golem emerged from the floor with a man stood on top, Atsushi panicked, because he could see Pushkin escaping from the side of his vision.

They tried to attack it normally, Atsushi rushing it while Akutagawa sliced it up, but it became apparent that wouldn’t work when it just reformed and hands gabbed at Atsushi from the ground before the fist of the golem smashed him into the ground. It was only thanks to his ability he was just stunned, let alone the fact that he actually survived the attack. When he managed to stand up again, he took one look at Akutagawa and it seemed like he knew exactly what the noirette was planning, so without another word he leapt towards the golem as Rashoumon activated and swirled around them. He jumped off the strands, gradually getting faster and faster until the man couldn’t keep up anymore. Whilst the man was facing away from him he leapt out and attacked, however before he could land a hit he was thrown to the side when another rock collided with him. Whilst the man was gloating, Akutagawa sent tendrils of Rashoumon through the ground and stabbed him, doing so multiple times to make sure he was well and truly dead.

Atsushi walked over to where he was standing as the golem crumbled, half-heartedly complaining about being used as bait. He complained once more when Akutagawa told him to “be his horse” before getting a boulder to the face (not a pleasant experience, 0/10 he does not recommend). When Atsushi sat up from the new crater in the ground, suddenly the blue of the virus ability appeared over him, sending him panicking slightly. Then the real version of the man walked out of the golem, giggling manically.

Try as they might, neither of them could get proper hits on him now that he knew their one tactic against him. Then, out of nowhere, a giant puddle of grey opened up underneath them and they began slowly sinking. Atsushi was panicking, he was sinking and didn’t have enough strength to get himself out.

“Weretiger,” Akutagawa suddenly said, pulling Atsushi from his panic. “Answer my question from earlier. Why do you fight?”

“This isn’t the time for that,” Atsushi replied, a kernel of panic seeping into his voice.

“There’s a way to escape. A last resort. But answer me first.” He stared into Atsushi’s eyes, and Atsushi stared right back. “Why do you fight?”

“You know the answer.”

“You fight to escape your childhood memories and earn the right to live. But I heard that your childhood master died,” Akutagawa replied, his eyes still boring into Atsushi.

“He’s not dead. He’s standing behind you right now.” And it was almost satisfying to see Akutagawa jerk in shock and whirl around, a small ripple on the surface the only thing there. “He lives in my head now. He keeps repeating the cursed words, ‘do what is right’. I can’t get revenge against someone who’s dead.” They had sunk up to their waists now. “That’s far more brutal than my trivial death.”

Then out of nowhere, tendrils of Rashoumon wrapped around him, and he looked over to Akutagawa in shock. “Hey!”

“If I’m a wretched dog, you’re a wandering dog,” was all Akutagawa gave as an explanation. “This is the solution.”

More tendrils wrapped around him, at this point covering most of him.

“Fight, and give me an answer. If you still lose like this… I’ll never forgive you.”

The rest of the fight passed mostly in a blur. Of suddenly cutting through the stone and it disappearing rather than reforming, of cutting through space to practically teleport, of easily slicing through the biggest stone golem he’d ever seen like it was butter. The feeling of Rashoumon on his shoulders was strangely reassuring, and the warm feeling from before spread across his chest once more when he realised he was wearing Akutagawa’s jacket. His heart also fluttered each time he caught a glimpse of Akutagawa from out of the corner of his eye, who was still in the grey puddle, and he hated to admit it but seeing him without the jacket and only the ruffled shirt was making heat spread across his face just slightly.

Later, while he and Akutagawa were checking out a shipping container in the base where the man who had been attacking them had lead them to, Atsushi felt (and saw) the virus ability dissipate, and breathed a sigh of relief.

After that things began to get a bit fuzzy, and it felt like his brain began to blur the scenes, including the end of his short alliance with Akutagawa and the party on the ship, as well as his talk with Dazai. Though, it didn’t feel like the usual blurs when the scene skipped, instead it felt as if exhaustion was tugging at his body. He could feel the whisper of silk sheets around him, of a comforting presence by his side. And for the first time since this started, Atsushi slipped into a restful, comfortable sleep that wasn’t part of the memory.

~|~

Akutagawa was sitting in the chair next to Atsushi’s bed, half paying attention to the book in his hand. When he heard a small noise from beside him he turned to check on the sleeping weretiger, half prepared to jump up and get Dazai in case his ability had activated again (it had only happened once, but with the possibility of it happening again meant that everyone who was looking after him kept it in mind). He expected a scrunched up face or a frown from an especially traumatic part of the memory, but instead his heart stopped in his chest when he came face to face with the purple eyes he had been longing to see for so long.

Chapter Text

Atsushi wasn’t sure where he was. The ceiling over him wasn’t one he had seen before, and he was in a comfortable bed rather than his futon in the cupboard. The sheets were soft against his skin in a way he had never felt before, and all he wanted to do was sink into them and spend the rest of his life there. At a chocked sound from his side, however, he opened his eyes back up from where they had slipped shut and turned his head, only to find Akutagawa staring at him with a strangled look on his face, his eyes full of an emotion Atsushi couldn’t quite place. That was what snapped him from the daze that still remained from waking up. He sat up so fast his head spun, but he ignored that to stare at the noirette who had stayed a constant thought in the back of his mind since he first fell into the memory. That realisation made his breath catch in his throat, because he had never been here before. It couldn’t be a part of a memory.

He was really awake.

“Akutagawa?” he said hopefully, his voice barely coming out a whisper with how long it had gone unused and the occasional screams from the memories.

“Jinko,” Akutagawa whispered back, sounding almost choked up.

Atsushi couldn’t help it, he started tearing up and flung himself as quickly as he could to the edge of the bed and looped his arms around the noirette’s waist, sobbing into his shoulder. At the sudden movement Akutagawa accidentally dropped his book and it bounced off the bedside table and knocked an empty mug off with a clatter (though luckily it didn’t break). For a second Akutagawa’s hand hovered awkwardly in the air, though a second later he was wrapping them around the albino and pulling him close, burying his face into Atsushi’s hair and for the first time since he was first hit by the ability Atsushi could breathe without any problems.

Then all of a sudden the door burst open, Dazai, Yosano and Chuuya rushing in. “We heard something fall, is everything-” Yosano started, before her breath stopped as she saw Atsushi sitting up. The two boys quickly broke apart once they got over the brief fright of the door slamming against the wall, and Atsushi could feel his heart beating out of his chest and his face begin to warm, though he passed it off by just looking out the window on the other side of the room. As he did he realised he could see the entire city from here, and it looked to be somewhere from midday to afternoon, though that didn’t help any when he had no clue how long he had been asleep.

“Oh gods you’re awake,” Dazai said, Atsushi’s head turning to face the brunette as he let out the biggest sigh of relief he had ever heard from the man. All of a sudden Atsushi realised he had no clue what had even happened after he got hit by the ability, so he spoke up. “Ah… sorry, but what happened after I got hit?”

Chuuya was the one who spoke up. “Well, after you got hit we ended up moving you here, the old mansion above the city. To put it simply, you were kept up here so Yosano-sensei could keep an eye on you, though people like Dazai and Kyouka stayed as well to help. Plenty of people visit though, so theres a number of people downstairs.” Atsushi blinked at that, people really came to visit him? “Akutagawa was one of our more common visitors,” Chuuya added with a grin, it only growing when both the boys flushed pink once more. “Speaking of the people downstairs, I should probably go tell them the good news,” the redhead said, before making his way out of the room.

Yosano was the next one to speak up. “How are you feeling?”

“Ummm… ok I guess. Physically I feel fine… mentally, I’m not sure how to describe it but I feel… hazy? Almost? Sorry that probably didn’t make sense,” Atsushi answered to the best of his ability.

“No, no that’s fine, though I might need to ask some more questions later, if that’s alright with you,” Yosano replied. “If you’re feeling ok physically though, I’d like to remove your IV.”

It was only then that Atsushi realised that he did, in fact, have an IV drip in his arm, which explained the small painful tug he had felt when he had hugged Akutagawa earlier. He simply answered with a nod, Yosano walking over and gently pulling the needle out of his arm. He winced slightly at the sting but there were no complications and Yosano wheeled the IV stand out of the room. However, as she was opening the door a small, red blur passed under her arm and flung itself at him, landing with its armed hugged around his waist. When he looked down he saw it was Kyouka, her face buried into his stomach. He smiled softly, one hand coming to rest against her back. “Hey Kyouka,” he said, and when she looked up with a tear or two in her eyes he gently wiped them away.

“Plenty of people have missed you since you’ve been asleep,” Dazai said from where he had been standing close to the door since he first came in. “Kyouka here helped occasionally with taking over a night watch from me or Yosano, Akutagawa too.” Atsushi couldn’t help but notice that the small pink flush over Akutagawa’s face was utterly adorable, as was the way he tried to cover it by coughing quietly into his hand. “Ah, speaking of, we should go to and tell everyone the good news,” Dazai said with a smile. “C’mon Kyouka.” The girl in question turned to half-heartedly glare at the brunette, but at his unimpressed stare in return she huffed and did as she was told, Kyouka walking out first and Dazai following. “Keep Atsushi-kun company until we’re back, will you Akutagawa-kun~?” the man said with a wink as he shut the door behind him, leaving the two boys alone again and once again both with a slight blush.

“It’s… it’s good that you’re awake, Jinko,” Akutagawa said, and Atsushi could tell the noirette was trying, albeit awkwardly. “I… missed you,” he added, under his breath and Atsushi would have completely missed if not for his heightened hearing. His face burst into a bright blush.

He let out a small giggle, his smile growing when Akutagawa’s blush grew and he looked up with an almost pouty look of annoyance on his face. “I missed you too,” he said, delighted when Akutagawa’s face grew even redder and he let out a huff, and wow it really looked like he was pouting, it was adorable. Gods Atsushi loved this man.

Wait.

He loved him.

Oh Gods he loved him.

Chapter Text

Oh god oh fuck. Oh he has a crush on Akutagawa. Oh he is so screwed.

Whilst Atsushi was having his minor mental panic, he could feel his face heating up and he was desperately hoping that the man in question wouldn’t notice, however it seemed like god was against him today.

“You’re getting red, are you feeling alright? Do you have a fever?” Akutagawa said, and Atsushi couldn’t help but notice that Akutagawa had been surprisingly calm and almost soft with him since he woke up. Then the noirette was leaning forwards and moving his bangs out of the way to press his hand against his forehead and Atsushi could feel his face get even hotter with how close they now were. Akutagawa frowned. “You’re getting even warmer.” All Atsushi could do was sit there gaping, his face getting even hotter and his mouth opening and shutting over and over like a fish as he tried to say anything.

Atsushi quickly moved back, his hands floundering in front of him as he tried desperately to will his blush away. “I-I’m fine! I swear!” He stuttered over a few more reassurances as Akutagawa stared deadpanned at him, obviously not believing him, before he thought of something to change the topic. “Actually, I forgot to ask earlier but how long have I been asleep?”

Immediately Atsushi noticed how Akutagawa’s face paled, how he looked like he had swallowed something rotten. “Hey, is everything alright?” he asked tentatively.

“Ten days.”

“Huh?” was all Atsushi could say, his brain screeching to a halt as that information sunk in.

“Ten days. You were asleep for ten days,” Akutagawa repeated, and Atsushi chocked on his next breath. Suddenly it seemed like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the air, like there was some unknown force pushing down on his chest, making it impossible to breathe. He clutched at the front of his shirt, his breathing speeding up and taking more and more short gasps of air. Akutagawa immediately noticed the change, moving over to him and bringing a hand to touch his shoulder, though he stopped just before he did, his hand hovering over him. Atsushi could hear that the noirette was trying to speak to him, but the world was swimming in front of his eyes and all he could hear was his heartbeat thundering in his ears.

Gradually the world around him was getting darker and darker as he still failed to take in enough air, and the only thing that ended up pulling him out of it and stopping him from hyperventilating enough to pass out was the sudden feeling of arms around him, of being pulled against a warm body and the familiar pressure of a hug. The body started gently rocking back and forth, the slow movement bringing some of Atsushi’s mind back to his body, and as his breathing gradually began to slow he realised that it was Akutagawa that was currently hugging him, and once his heartbeat began to slow as well he could hear the noirette quietly whispering reassurances, desperately trying to help Atsushi calm down. Then all at once all the tension in Atsushi’s body disappeared, leaving him sagging into the hug and pressing his face into Akutagawa’s chest unintentionally. After a couple of minutes, Atsushi felt Akutagawa gently nudge him further onto the bed, and quickly moved over so Akutagawa could sit on the bed next to him, never once breaking the hug. Now Akutagawa was sitting against the headboard of the bed, Atsushi half lying against him with his head on his chest and Akutagawa’s arms wrapped around his shoulders.

The limited energy he had woken up with mixed with the extremely energy-draining panic attack he just had, Atsushi already felt himself drifting off into sleep with the warmth of Akutagawa’s arms around him and the duvet on top of them, and the gentle rise and fall of Akutagawa’s chest with his breathing meant that before long, he was already drifting back into sleep.

~|~

The people waiting had taken the news extremely well, and though they wanted to see Atsushi immediately Yosano quickly shut it down and said that they would be able to see him soon, as they had to make sure not to crowd him too soon after he woke up. Quickly after that almost all of them filtered out, eager to spread the good news to both organisations.

Dazai himself was currently feeling lighter than he had in weeks, a dopy grin stuck to his face. As Yosano went to the kitchens to try and help the Agency workers make something for Atsushi to eat, Dazai went back to the room where the weretiger and Akutagawa were, gently rapping on the door and hearing the noirette call out a rather quiet “come in”. What he certainly hadn’t expected when he walked in was Akutagawa sitting in the bed, Atsushi cuddled protectively against his chest, asleep. Akutagawa must have seen the confusion flash in Dazai eyes as he quickly, though quietly, explained. “He had a panic attack when I told him how long he’d been asleep for, and this was the only way I could calm him down before he passed out. He ended up falling asleep once we got comfortable.”

Dazai couldn’t help the pang of hurt in his chest, not because he was jealous of Akutagawa or anything like that, it was the fact that the bubbly, happy person Atsushi was had suddenly disappeared. He had known that Atsushi didn’t come from a good background, he had heard briefly, without any detail, about the orphanage and the headmaster, and had taken educated guesses with the rest. However, he never expected that reliving those times would have this much of an affect, hell just hearing how long he had been unconscious had sent him into a panic attack so big Akutagawa had been concerned that he would pass out.

God he hoped that they would be able to fix this soon.

Chapter Text

Atsushi woke up to his face pressed against a white shirt, and as he blearily blinked sleep from his eyes he realised that he was back on the bed, and judging by the sun just emerging from behind the horizon it was very early morning. As he took a second to try and piece together memories from before he fell back asleep, his thoughts screeched to a halt when he realised he was lying on Akutagawa’s chest, his face heating up immediately. He was still asleep based on his breathing and the glance Atsushi had gotten of his face when he shifted around, just enough to get a glimpse of him without moving enough to wake him up. He was met with closed eyes and realised that this was the most relaxed he had ever seen the noirette, not to mention that when his face wasn’t scrunched up in a scowl he was actually really pretty. Atsushi eventually managed to will the majority of his blush away (only after at least another five minutes of gay panicking), and after a couple more minutes he managed to piece together the rest of his memories. However, when he remembered the fact that he had been unconscious for ten days his breathing hitched once more, his chest tightening and a half-sob getting caught in his throat. Though, before he could start hyperventilating again, he was quickly snapped out of it by a hoarse voice.

“Breathe,” Akutagawa said, blinking sleepily down at where he was still lying against the noirette’s chest, the arm that Atsushi hadn’t noticed around his shoulders gently starting to comb through the hair at the nape of his neck, seemingly unconsciously. When Atsushi just stared back at him owlishly, he scowled (though the effect was lessened with his slight bed head and the fact that he was still very much half asleep) and continued. “If you have another panic attack then it’ll just end up tiring you out again, and I don’t want to have to deal with a half asleep Jinko so just stop thinking about whatever you’re overthinking about and fucking breathe.” Though he said it grumpily and harshly, Atsushi couldn’t help the way all tension fled from his body, sagging in the noirette’s hold with a smile tugging at his lips. This was familiar, the half assed insults and grumpy fighting. Though he certainly wasn’t against how soft Akutagawa had been to him before, he still enjoyed the familiarity of his actions, and though he was still grumbling insults under his breath, which Atsushi could hear thanks to both his advanced hearing as well as his proximity, the noirette hadn’t pushed him off, so Atsushi took the opportunity to cuddle up as much as he could.

They stayed there in silence for a couple more minutes, with Akutagawa’s fingers still carding through his hair and distantly, Atsushi could feel the familiar feeling in his chest that he usually squashed down, but because of how relaxed he was he didn’t even think to do so. It was only when a gentle rumble filled the silence and Akutagawa froze his ministrations that both realised what it was. Atsushi was purring. Atsushi propping himself up on his elbows and staring in shock at Akutagawa, who stared back at him just as shocked. After a second or so more of just staring, Akutagawa suddenly got an almost mischievous look on his face, and before Atsushi could react, the noirette was bringing his hand back up from where it had fallen and started patting him again, and this time Atsushi couldn’t stop himself from purring again, his face flushing in embarrassment. After a second or so more he simply let his head fall back against Akutagawa’s chest, burying his face into the shirt to hide the still present flush on his face.

Eventually they both relaxed fully, Atsushi moving his face slightly so he could lie comfortably and Akutagawa still gently petting across his hair, Atsushi’s rumbles vibrating through the both of them. After a while Atsushi started to doze, nowhere near tired as he had just woken up but his proximity to the noirette and the hand in his hair were relaxing, so he simply let his eyes fall shut and nuzzle further into the comfort. He let himself doze, taking solace in the peace and quiet and the break from the stress of reliving his memories (which he decidedly spent as little time thinking about as possible). He wasn’t exactly sure how long they had spent there but it was enough that the sun was a fair ways off the horizon by the time Dazai knocked on the door, entering a minute after. Though Atsushi could see the half-smirk half-smile the brunette was desperately trying to smother he payed no mind to it, sure that once he got up he would be tormented by Dazai’s teasing either way.

“I just came to say that breakfast is ready,” he said quietly, not wanting to break the comfortable quiet that had descended on the room. “I can ask someone to bring something up for you Akutagawa-kun, and there’s some soup that’s been prepared for you Atsushi-kun.”

Both boys nodded their thanks and Dazai left again, Atsushi reluctantly peeling himself off Akutagawa as the noirette got up and grabbed the small table prepared for this, placing it over the weretiger’s lap as he sat up, pulling a proper table over for himself. Sure enough, a couple of minutes later two of the Agency’s workers came in carrying trays of food, placing them on the tables. Atsushi quickly dug in, he was reasonably hungry, though was somewhat disappointed to find that he was only able to fit about three quarters of it in before he was full. Dazai quickly assured him that it was fine, that his stomach had just shrunk slightly after not properly eating for a while and that once he had eaten properly for a while he would have his normal appetite back.

The rest of the day passed pretty much that same way as the morning, gently and without much fuss. He had a number of people come visit him throughout the day, including most of the Agency and even a couple of Port Mafia members such as Chuuya and Kouyou, which he hadn’t expected. Akutagawa ended up having to leave halfway through the day as he still had responsibilities in the Port Mafia to attend to, and Atsushi almost grabbed at him to stay but managed to squash the urge down. The only visit that really stood out in any way was Yosano’s, though at first that was only because she was giving him a physical check-up.

“Everything is looking good,” she said as she packed away the small doctor’s bag she had brought along. “However, I’d like to do a check every couple of days to make sure nothing suddenly goes wrong, is that alright with you?” Atsushi simply nodded his consent. “So how are you feeling?” she continued. “Mentally, I mean.”

“Ok, I guess,” Atsushi replied, “though if you count one full panic attack and one almost one then probably not that ok after all.”

Yosano simply nodded, and seemed to think over what she was about to say for a couple of seconds before speaking again. “I was just thinking, a friend of mine is currently working as a psychologist and I’m sure they would be happy to come in and work with you for a bit, if you needed to talk to anyone.” The end of her sentence almost sounded like a question, and when she saw the slightly hesitant look on Atsushi’s face she continued. “Though I’m sure anyone here would be fine with listening to anything you need to talk about, I thinkthis is beyond the level of a little ranting and more to the professional level of help.” And as much as Atsushi hated to admit it, she was right.

“Ok, if you really think so then maybe your friend coming over is a good idea,” he said, and at Yosano’s small, comforting smile he relaxed a bit.

“Alright, I’ll see when they’re next free, until then make sure to eat as much as you can and drink lots, and if you’re planning to move around at all try not to move around too much, your muscles will be a bit weak from disuse.” And then she left and Atsushi was alone in the room for perhaps the first time since he woke up.

There were a couple of books that had been left as gifts from visitors so over the next few days he spent most of his time reading them, having a few visitors and eating when he could. He started moving around more, getting up from time to time to either walk to the bathroom or to the window to sit in front of it, staring out into the garden and the view of the city behind it.

Atsushi had woken up on a Friday evening and almost immediately passed back out again from the panic attack, and had then woken back up the next morning, Saturday morning, with Akutagawa. It wasn’t until Monday that Yosano got a message back from her friend, and they ended up making an appointment for the friend to come over Tuesday afternoon.

Atsushi had just been sitting in his bed reading when the door opened, revealing Yosano and a stranger, presumably her friend. They had long black hair with a slight green tinge to it that was tied up into a bun on top of their head, bright green eyes and a simple outfit of beige pants, a green shirt and a long white coat over the top. As for accessories, all Atsushi could see was a simple pair of silver studs in their ears and a single silver cross necklace, plus maybe a small amount of makeup. In fact, Atsushi couldn’t quite tell what gender they were, as at first they seemed feminine but the more he looked the more he wasn’t sure.

They pulled up a seat beside Atsushi’s bed as he put the book he was reading away, Yosano closing the door behind her as she left, and stuck out a hand which he shook.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Ishida Hazuki, as you know I’m a psychologist and I’ll be working with you for a while. Ah, also I go by they/them pronouns.” They finished their introduction with a smile, and Atsushi was kind of glad he hadn’t tried to guess their gender in the end, considering he would’ve probably gotten it wrong.

“Ah it’s nice to meet you too, my name is Nakajima Atsushi and I guess I go by he/him pronouns?” Hazuki simply smile once again and retracted their hand, pulling out a small clipboard and a pen from the bag they had brought with them. “Now, I will take a couple of notes during the sessions, only a few and only the ones I need to. I won’t show these to anyone else, and unless I believe you to be in immediate physical danger or have your explicit permission, nothing you say will be shared with anyone else. Is that ok?” Atsushi nodded.

That was how their first session started, with introductions and making a few ground rules for both of their comfort. After that Hazuki asked a few question, such as things about Atsushi’s ability, his likes and dislikes, what his life was like in Yokohama, which were all rather easy questions to answer. Then, with Atsushi’s permission, they moved onto what happened while he was under the influence of the ability. He managed to get a little way through his oldest memories, of the beatings and the blame and the fucking nail through his foot before his breathing started speeding up and Hazuki stopped him and worked through a couple of breathing techniques to get him to calm down again.

“If it’s alright I’d like to end the session there,” Hazuki said, putting their clipboard down. “I appreciate how much you’ve been able to share with me so far, but I think it’s about time for you to have dinner and I need to start getting home. If you can I want you to try and use those breathing techniques if you start panicking again, but try and keep your mind off anything that would make you panic as much as possible and try to do things you enjoy, such as reading,” they gestured to the stack of books on his bedside table with a nod. “Ok I will, it was nice meeting you,” Atsushi replied, and got a smile and a “it was nice meeting you too” in return before they left.

A couple of minutes later Yosano came up with his dinner. “How was it?” she asked as she was setting up his plate on the mini table. “It was good, they were very nice,” Atsushi replied.

“That’s good, if you want I can see when they’re next free and they could come again in a couple of days for another session?”

“That would be great, thank you.”

“No problem,” Yosano said as she finished, stepping back and smiling down at him. “Call if you need anything and one of the others should be up in about half an hour for your plate.”

And as Atsushi dug into his food with a smile he realised that this was the best he had felt, both mentally and physically, in quite a while.

Chapter Text

Akutagawa was sitting alone at home, book forgotten in his hands. He felt like he was floating, and happier than he had been in a very long time. Atsushi was finally awake, finally getting better. He had even woken up with Akutagawa right there, and though the practically instant panic attack had worried him, especially since he hadn’t really calmed down from it and had instead passed out, Akutagawa couldn’t help but feel a little proud of himself for a) not freaking out himself, and b) managing to help Atsushi somewhat, at least with the second panic attack the next morning. And even the memory of that moment made the noirette’s checks warm slightly, thoughts flooding his mind of how Atsushi fit perfectly against him whilst cuddling, how the albino was absolutely adorable when he blushed and how he buried his face against Akutagawa’s shirt in embarrassment, how Atsushi’s hair felt so soft under his fingers as he carded them through the sea of silvery white, how Atsushi’s purrs rumbled through the both of them and made the fluttering in his stomach double (and there was a fair bit of shock with the revelation that Atsushi could purr, though it just made him ridiculously happy that there was such an obvious sign that Atsushi was happy where he was), how utterly domestic it felt.

Akutagawa’s thoughts screeched to a halt when he realised what he had just been thinking. Goddamit, he was getting sappy again. He needed to stop doing that, but it seemed that whenever his brain wasn’t occupied with something work related or productive his thoughts eventually cycled back to the albino.

He just wanted to read his books for fucks sake.

~|~

After their initial session, Hazuki had gone home almost in shock. They dealt with serious cases a lot, and Atsushi’s was by no mean the worst they’d ever come across, but good god they would never understand how people could treat others like that, for whatever reason. And it baffled them even more as they could already tell that Atsushi was a sweet kid, even if they had only known him for less than a day. If they were being honest they were extremely glad that Atsushi seemed to know that what he went through wasn’t his fault, something that not many of Hazuki’s patients seemed to realise and something that pissed them off a lot, that anyone for any reason though that whatever trauma they had experienced at the hand of another was in any way, shape or form their fault.

When Yosano had first reached out to them, Hazuki had been slightly intrigued and very eager to try and help in any way they could, albeit slightly nervous when the ability’s affect was brought up. In their experience, any ability that could affect someone mentally was a loose cannon, especially when the person being affected had experienced some sort of traumatic event in their life.

But they were so glad they ended up agreeing to work with the boy. Even just the small bit they had already touched on, which was probably up to anywhere around 10, was absolutely riddled with trauma and with each thing he had shared, they could see Atsushi getting more and more distressed. So they had stopped him, had thanked him for opening up like he had and sharing what he had, and Hazuki honestly hadn’t expected the warmth they had felt when he agreed to have another session with them.

Yosano had been waiting in the living room when they descended downstairs, and true to their word they told her nothing of what they talked about, just saying it had went well when she asked. Atsushi truly was lucky to know Yosano, Hazuki themselves had experience of just how far the doctor would go to keep those she cared about safe and happy. And when they finally got home and sat down to add more detail to their notes, they realised how much they were looking forward to working with and helping the albino, and smiled to themselves.

Seeing their patients progress, seeing them open up, being there for them and helping was why they loved their job as much as they did.

~|~

Dazai was nervous, to say the least. Though he had been able to periodically see Atsushi, it had felt like he was walking on eggshells around the boy. However, it wasn’t because of Atsushi himself but instead it seemed like it was just Dazai. He was constantly watching what he was talking about, simply telling him of what the Agency was up to or if there was any major news in the paper that day. He didn’t want to accidentally trigger another panic attack, especially after Akutagawa had informed him that the albino had literally passed out after one, so he kept his words positive and never once mentioned any of his suicide attempts or plans (though he also failed to mention that since Atsushi was first hit by the ability he hadn’t once even made a suicide plan, let alone an attempt). With that came the fact that he didn’t know much about Atsushi’s past at all, all he knew was the small amount that the weretiger had shared. Even when he had tried to dig a bit into his background, his search came up confusingly blank.

This time when he walked into the room Atsushi was sitting up in bed, a book in his lap and his eyes fixed on the page, though they flicked up when he walked in, and he put the book down with a smile as Dazai sat down in the armchair that had been placed next to the bed.

“Good morning Dazai-san! How are you?” he said with a smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

“I am doing just splendidly Atsushi-kun!” Dazai responded with just as much energy as the albino, though he couldn’t help but feel it was slightly strained. “How are you doing this fine day?”

“I’m doing well. How is the Agency?”

And with that the conversation flowed onto their usual topics, though with each word Dazai could feel his anxiety piling up in the back of his head, screaming at him not to make a mistake, not to mess up-

(He desperately ignored the thoughts of losing someone else and flashes of Odasaku and Chuuya’s faces, shoving them as far back in his mind as he could.)

After about 15 minutes the conversation lulled, and with seemingly nothing more to say they both fell into silence. In the end, it was Atsushi that spoke up.

“Dazai-san… I don’t mean to be rude but- did I do something wrong?” Atsushi asked hesitantly, Dazai’s eyes snapping up from where they had been looking at his lap.

“What?” Dazai choked out, his voice failing him slightly in shock. “No, no, no, of course not! Why on earth would you think that?”

“Well… it’s just that… well it seems like you don’t want to talk to me anymore.” Atsushi cut himself off, but at the look on Dazai’s face he continued. “It always seems like you’re hesitant to speak to me but since you visit everyday I guess I’m sort of worried you feel obligated to visit and talk to me? I-I don’t mean to be rude! Or to insult or anything, I swear!” he flustered out, flailing his hands about as he had a habit of doing.

And all Dazai could do was sit there, his mouth hanging open just slightly as his whole world seemed to flip on it’s head for a split second. He had been walking on eggshells this whole time to try and protect Atsushi, in some odd, backwards way, but instead all he had done was make Atsushi feel worse.

Oh gods he hated himself.

After a couple seconds more of silence Dazai managed to shake himself out of his stupor, even going to far as to physically shake his head, both to try and refocus and to maybe, hopefully, get the message to Atsushi that no, of course he wanted to talk to him, of course he wanted to spend time with him, why would it ever be an obligation? And so that’s what he put into words a second after.

“Atsushi- no.” And if Atsushi noticed how he didn’t use a honorific like he usually did, he didn’t mention it. “I want to be here, I want to talk to you. I would never think of spending time with you as an obligation. It’s just that- well… I didn’t want to accidentally upset you,” Dazai managed to choke out in the end, Atsushi staring intently at him the whole time. “I’m… I’ll be the first to admit I’m not good with friendships, or even just communicating with people in a healthy way, at all. I just- I didn’t want to… hurt you.” As Atsushi’s eyes widened, Dazai kept going. The words he had kept shut behind an unbreakable wall in his mind for so long were finally spilling out, and he doubted he would be able to stop until they were all said. “The same day you woke up you had a panic attack so bad you passed out, and I wasn’t even there to do anything to help. I didn’t want to accidentally send you into another one. I just- just…” And that was where he words seemed to come to an end, and he couldn’t help but bow his head, unable to look the albino in the face.

The room was filled with silence with what seemed like an eternity but was probably only a minute before Atsushi spoke up.

“Dazai-san, thank you.”

Dazai’s head jerked up once more, his eyes desperately searching Atsushi’s face, though all he could see was genuine, unbridled gratitude.

“…What?”

“Thank you, Dazai-san. Ever since I first met you you’ve always looked out for me, you’ve been there and, even if dealing with you can be troublesome at times, I enjoy spending time with you. I-I’m glad that it was just a misunderstanding… but I want- I’m able to look after myself and I want you to look after yourself too. Just- talk to me, please? If you have a concern or anything, I want to know. I want to help.”

And god Dazai hated himself for the burning in the back of his eyes, the prick of tears just coming though. Words seemed to be lost on him and all he could do was nod his head, hoping that his message was getting across, silently saying yes, yes he’ll talk, he’ll try, he’ll become a better person.

Then Atsushi was opening his arms and Dazai all but fell into them, the albino tucked up under his chin and Dazai’s arms practically clutching at his shirt. They stayed like that for who knows how long before separating, and as he sat back into the chair Dazai couldn’t stop the small, genuine smile from gracing his lips and a matching smile shining back at him from Atsushi.

“Now then Atsushi-kun, would you be so kind as to inform me of the contents of your book~?”

Chapter Text

The next couple of days passed in a blur of boredom. Atsushi spent most of his time in bed, getting visits and going through more books he would normally go through in a month. Other than that he had slowly but surely gaining back both the weight and the muscle he had lost over the short period of time he’d been asleep, and now he could both eat a full meal and also walk around as much as he wanted, so he did a lot of his reading now outside in the garden. He spent a lot of time with both Akutagawa and Dazai, and seeing both of them had made his time much more bearable. The time he spent with Akutagawa made his stomach flutter and his face flush, and the time he spend with Dazai made his heart melt and a dopy smile appear on his face (especially after he had that conversation with the brunette and got rid of his worries).

Yosano had gotten back to him and said that Hazuki would next be free Friday. He had even somewhat begun to look forward to it during the time he spent just thinking. He was almost surprised at how quickly he took to them, how quickly he found he could talk to them and how much talking made him feel better. He didn’t even notice the weight that was permanently pressing down on him until it lightened after talking to Hazuki.

By the time Friday rolled around he was actually pretty excited, and when Hazuki walked in, he greeted them with a large smile, which they returned.

“Good morning Atsushi-kun,” they greeted warmly.

“Good morning Hazuki-san!”

They took a seat at the armchair that was still sat next to the bed, once again pulling out a notepad and pen.

“So, how are you feeling?” they started.

“A lot better, actually,” Atsushi answered, and when Hazuki remained silent to give him a chance to continue if he wanted to, he did. “I’m now able to consistently fit full meals in, which I find very exciting after not being able to for a while, plus I’ve gained enough strength back to be able to walk around myself and go outside so I’m spending a lot of time reading outside.”

For a second Atsushi was worried he had overshared or something but the enthusiasm that Hazuki responded with banished that worry. “That’s great! It’s good that you’ve been able to eat more and get out more, spending time outside would be both good for your mental and physical health too. I’d say try and spend as much time out there as possible. Maybe, if you want to have another session, we could even have it out there if the weather allows it,” they said with a smile, and Atsushi gladly agreed. They exchanged a few more pleasantries and small talk, mostly compromising of what Atsushi had been doing with his time (he told them of a book he had read that he found quite interesting, they listened attentively to everything he said).

“Now before we move on, I would like to note that you only need to say as much as you’re comfortable with, and if you feel like you’re starting to panic then remember to use the breathing techniques I taught you,” they started, and Atsushi nodded his agreement. “Now, we last left off with you being locked down in the basement, feel free to go from there if you want.”

Atsushi remembered where they actually left off, after the Headmaster nailed an iron stake through his foot, though he was somewhat glad Hazuki had decided to leave that part unsaid. “Well, the treatment stayed the same, pretty much. I stayed mostly down there and only really went upstairs to do chores I guess? Also I got very little food or water or anything from what I can remember, but most of my time down there I was alone and ignored.”

As Hazuki wrote more notes, he could feel his throat closing up slightly. What came next in his life story was the incident with Shibusawa, and though he had already decided that he wanted to tell the psychologist about it, he was slightly scared of what they would think of him.

“Ok, are you ok to keep going?” Hazuki asked, doing one of the check ups that Atsushi had come to realise they did every couple of things he shared, and he nodded his agreement.

Atsushi took a deep breath in, and started again.

“Well the next thing I remember was I think when I was about 10, um… so have you heard of a man named Shibusawa?” he asked tentatively, reminding himself to continue breathing when they nodded that they did. “Well, I don’t quite remember how or why but what I remember happening is him arriving at the orphanage and speaking with the Headmaster, and then my memory stops for a bit. I next- the next thing I remember is waking up strapped to a chair in I think a warehouse? And… and Shibusawa… he… he electrocuted me.” He kept his eyes solely on his lap, unable to find it in himself to look up. “I don’t know what he wanted, or what he was looking for, but it did… something? I’m not sure what but I remember this weird diamond shaped crystal floating in the air, and I know this sounds crazy but I’m pretty sure it came out of my chest. My ability broke the straps and I… ate the crystal?” At this point he could tell that most of his sentences sounded like questions but he couldn’t help it, even if he had gotten his memory of this back most of it was still unclear. “It… it activated my ability fully, and when that happens I don’t actually have control of myself and I- I killed him.” The last bit was so quiet it was barely a whisper, but in the tense silence of the room Atsushi knew Hazuki had heard it.

The longer the silence stretched on, the more Atsushi’s chest constricted and the harder it was to remind himself to breathe. He was absolutely terrified that Hazuki was going to leave, to run and-

“Atsushi-kun, can I hug you?”

When his head jerked up in surprise he was greeted with Hazuki, sat exactly where they were before, looking straight at him with a look he couldn’t comprehend, emotions swirling in their face. Hurt, sympathy, even anger though somehow he knew that the anger wasn’t directed at himself. When he didn’t answer straight away Hazuki continued. “I’m technically not meant to, I know, and you don’t have to if you don’t want to but…”

Without another word he practically flung himself at them, the tears that he didn’t even realise he was holding at bay flooding out of his eyes and sobs wracking his form as they wrapped their arms around him.

They stayed like that until Atsushi’s sobs quietened down and his tears stopped flowing, though neither made an attempt to pull away. Instead Hazuki silently moved them so that they were sitting on the bed, as Atsushi had been half off it in a way that he hadn’t even realised was uncomfortable until they moved. No words were said but Atsushi could feel himself melting at the feeling of warm, sturdy arms bracketing him. Really he wasn’t even sure how it happened, they had barely even met, but he could already tell that Hazuki felt like family, like someone who would pick him up when he fell down and help him piece together his broken soul, bit by bit.

And when the last of his body untensed, he couldn’t help but smile slightly as he sagged completely into their hold.

~|~

Though they did talk a little more after the hug ended, they decided to pretty much leave that session there and schedule more, and Atsushi left with a huge smile splitting his face in half and a happy, bubbling feeling in his chest.

He decided to spend the afternoon in the garden again, and sitting on a picnic blanket and his book in hand with the wind gently rusting through the leaves and through his hair made him relax. That was where Akutagawa ended up finding him, sitting down beside him without a word. They stayed like that for a while, and Atsushi couldn’t help but notice how easily silence came to them now, and how it was never uncomfortable.

He wasn’t actually sure how long they stayed there like that for, but when he reached the end of the chapter he decided to try and start up a conversation. And really he felt like he should’ve been surprised that it worked, even though Akutagawa was only really responding with noises or short sentences, but he wasn’t. And if the conversation lulled slightly he never really felt the need to try and keep it going, though without trying it would eventually start itself back up within a couple of minutes, no matter what.

They were still there when Akutagawa nervously spoke. “Jinko… I was wondering… what do you plan to do once you leave here?” Atsushi turned to look at the noirette but found he was keeping his gaze stubbornly facing forwards, and not meeting his eyes. Atsushi took a minute to think about it before replying. “I’m not too sure to be honest, probably just move back in with Kyouka? The apartment we share doesn’t really fit two of his to be honest but I don’t have nearly enough money to get another one.” Nothing else was said and they lapsed back into silence, but for some reason Atsushi could tell Akutagawa wanted to say something. Instead of asking though, he decided that if the other wanted to tell him he would let him tell him on his own.

His attention was caught again when Akutagawa spoke. “As far as I can remember, you know that Gin is my sister, right?” Although he wasn’t sure where this was going, he once more decided that he would leave the pace of the conversation to the noirette. “I do, yeah.”

“Well… we share an apartment, one not provided by the Port Mafia, and recently she decided that she would move out and join Higuchi in her apartment… so I was wondering… would you maybe want to move in with me?” Akutagawa asked, his voice tapering off at the end and ending so quietly Atsushi almost questioned himself if he had misheard. Then he stopped and genuinely tried to think about it, any way he did always ended up with the realisation that there were no real downsides to doing so. He was sure that the man wouldn’t attack him if he did so, after all the longer they had known each other the more it felt like friendship and less like they were enemies, the only thing that really remained was the fact that Akutagawa still called him Jinko. It would also mean that Kyouka would have more room for herself, and so would he, and he was sure she would be able to look after herself well enough.

“Actually… no matter how I think about it, it would probably benefit me if I did, so I guess if you’re really ok with it then I will,” Atsushi replied, and he could see how the noirette untensed and the shocked look he was given when he turned around was pretty worth it, in his opinion. “Really?” Akutagawa exclaimed, and Atsushi nodded with a smile, and his heart melted at the small smile he was greeted with in return, and melted even more when he realised Akutagawa probably hadn’t even realised he was smiling.

The silence returned again and both relaxed into it, and it wasn’t until the sun started to move closer to the horizon and it got closer to when they needed to go back inside that Atsushi decided that he might as well try and ask his own request that had been weighing on him.

This time it was Atsushi who stubbornly kept his gaze away from the other when he spoke. “Akutagawa… I just… well I wanted to tell you this but I realise that you might not feel the same and you don’t have to but… could you just listen to everything before you reply?” He took the silence as agreement and continued. “Well I only realised this just recently, but… I guess I… I really, really like you,” he managed to blurt out, his heart lurching with the following silence. “You… like me?” Akutagawa finally responded, and Atsushi couldn’t help but note at the almost hopeful tone in his voice. He nodded, and finally gathered the courage to turn back and look at the noirette. This time he truly couldn’t tell what the other was feeling, though not because he wasn’t showing his emotions, rather that he was showing too much. Too many emotions were swirling in his gaze for Atsushi to be able to identify, and he wasn’t sure what to think.

“I do, yeah,” he said quietly, and could see Akutagawa searching his eyes, his face, and he knew that the only thing he would find would be sincerity. Atsushi gulped again, scooping every bit of courage he possibly could and kept going. “Actually… its more than… its more than just like.” Where before he couldn’t meet Akutagawa’s eyes at all, he was now staring directly at him, meeting his gaze head on. “I think… no, I know. I love you.”

And all of a sudden it was like yet another weight disappeared from his chest. He couldn’t find it in himself to look away now, and with each passing second his mouth got drier and drier and his palms, which where fisting the fabric of his pants, got sweatier and sweatier. However at the same time it was somehow comforting that Akutagawa hadn’t just left yet, so he really had no clue what to feel.

“I… can I kiss you?”

In that second, it was like Atsushi’s whole world shattered. His breath caught in his throat, and could feel his gut twisting with all the emotions running through his body. “You… what?” was all he could say, and Akutagawa repeating himself, though this time instead of sounding unsure and nervous he sounded more confident. “Can I kiss you?”

All Atsushi could do was nod, and then Akutagawa’s hand was on his cheek, and the noirette was so close that Atsushi’s mind was completely blank. It was a chaste kiss, barely a brush of lips, but with all the emotions running through him, Atsushi found he almost felt like crying.

Akutagawa pulled away, though he kept his hand cupping Atsushi’s cheek and he couldn’t help but lean slightly into the warmth. “Can… can you do that again, please?” Atsushi asked tentatively. The noirette did, and this time Atsushi found himself pressing just slightly harder and slightly longer, before they both pulled away again. Atsushi’s mind was still completely blank, and all he could do was stare up into the grey eyes that he had unintentionally become so infatuated with. “Is that enough of an answer?” Akutagawa whispered, though with their proximity Atsushi heard it clearly. His answer was simply to fall forward and wrap his arms tightly around the other, nodding into his chest.

And as he felt the noirette’s arms wrapping around him, warm and sturdy though in a way that was just slightly different to Hazuki, Atsushi finally, finally felt the last of every one of his thoughts, his worries, his fear disappear from his mind.

Chapter Text

In the end he spent another week and a half at the mansion before leaving. Nothing really changed, except for more frequent visits from Akutagawa and a smile that never seemed to leave his face. Nothing else really notable changed or happened, but it wasn’t like he was complaining. He had one more session with Hazuki before he was released, which, just as the psychologist had suggested, they had outside in the garden. It was nice, just talking to someone who he trusted, who listened to what had happened to him and didn’t judge or pity, who calmed him down when he was panicking or spiralling. Even better was the feeling of a cool, gentle breeze carding through his hair and brushing past his face, and he could almost imagine his words being carried off by the wind, taking all his worries and stress with it. Though this was his last session in the mansion they scheduled more, this time at Hazuki’s office in the city.

Gin had already moved out by the time he was discharged so he moved straight in with Akutagawa, and he was grateful for the easy transition. The apartment was actually in a really good spot, in neutral ground between the Port Mafia and the Agency (which Atsushi had almost been surprised at, considering he would’ve expected the Akutagawa siblings to live in the Port Mafia territory, even if they lived in their own apartment), close enough to the Agency that he could walk if he wanted, though it would be a slightly long walk, but with a train station close by if he wanted to take the train instead. It was also close enough to the Port Mafia for Akutagawa.

The days passed quickly after he moved in, and though he may have gotten a few confused looks when he announced he was moving out of the Agency dorms, no one really asked any questions. Other than that, life at the Agency continued as normal. He was still sent on mission, still fought, still ran errands when needed. He wasn’t treated any differently, not pitied or treated like he was glass that would shatter at any moment, and that made it that much easier to get back into his work habits after weeks of being absent.

The apartment itself was nice, way bigger than the one he shared with Kyouka but at the same time not too big. He had to admit it was slightly strange getting used to having his own room, since for his time at the orphanage he was either in the shared rooms or in the basement, and with his Agency dorm he had only had a little time there alone before Kyouka moved in and he started sleeping in the closet to give her her own space. It was nice, and pretty soon he got used to it, and it was nice knowing that Akutagawa, his boyfriend (and wasn’t that a thought), in the other room.

He kept having sessions with Hazuki, kept slowly working through his problems, and months later, even when he had finished sharing his trauma and working through it with them, he kept having sessions with them, though more spread out, every couple of weeks instead of every week. When there wasn’t something stressing or confusing him that he wanted to talk about, he talked about whatever came to mind. His recent cases at the Agency (though never in too much detail because of legal anonymity things he never really understood), about what he and Akutagawa had done recently, about new places he had found in the city now that he had started exploring, sometimes on his own and sometimes with Dazai or Akutagawa, about new things he had tried out (he was constantly looking for a hobby after Hazuki had suggested it for the time he would’ve spent working himself to the bone to try and ignore the creeping negative thoughts at the back of his head, he had done things like journaling, drawing, even tried out music once, he was currently trying out cooking and found he liked it the most out of any he had tried before).

And at the end of the day, when he would sit down on the couch with Akutagawa after dinner, just watching the sun go down and sharing the comfortable silence, he would think. Think of all that had happened to him, all that he had had to go though, both good and bad. And he realised if he had to do everything again, to have the choice to live a different life, he wouldn’t change a single thing.