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Stede Bonnet slumped over with a travel-weary sigh. The dinghy rocked slightly on the waves.
I'm a fool, he thought.
Gone was the glow of excitement from his death in Barbados - the realization of his love for Ed, the repair of his relationship to his family, the execution of a successful Fuckery - that had all worn off, and there he was, miles away from dry land, stuck with his thoughts.
Many of them had been of Ed. His drowsy smile before he kissed him, the excitement in his voice as they concocted their plan of escape. The taste of his lips, like smoke and saltwater. His heart skipped as he imagined himself back on that beach, their closeness familiar yet alien, as Ed stared at him with star-filled eyes.
"You make Stede happy," he had said. The words just came out of him, natural and decisive. And he did, make Stede happy - immeasurably, deliriously happy. He had no sooner recognized the happiness Ed had given him as when he watched him rowing away with Calico Jack, laughter ringing across the waves. The crushing realization made him sick with grief.
Now here he was, sick again.
He threw head over the side of the small boat, spraying bitter vomit into the ocean.
He was going to need that, he thought, in a rare moment of logic, as the remains of his last full meal floated away. Another foolish move.
He pulled himself up right, took a swig from his water-skin, and looked over the darkening horizon. He had been rowing for several hours, more than he had ever done in his life, and he was beginning to feel the sting of his blistered hands. They reminded him of Ed's calloused ones, rough and perfectly suited to the hearty seafaring lifestyle. That man had certainly rowed a dinghy or two.
He wondered what it would've been like, the Escape to China. Him and Ed, crammed into the small boat, knees close to touching, as they took turns rowing.
"That one? I'd say a cat, or... or maybe a horse?" He would say, squinting past the sunlight. Ed would smile, playfully shaking his head.
"Nah," he'd say, "that's a fucking dragon if I've ever seen one." Stede would quirk an eyebrow, trying to align Ed's vision with the buoyant clouds above.
"A dragon? Have you ever seen a dragon?"
"No," Ed's eyes would sparkle, as he prepared his retort. "I'm just saying, if I did see a dragon, that -" he pointed to the amorphous shape above them, "- is what they would look like."
They would continue like this for hours, rowing and dreaming, basking in each others' company. Maybe they would happen upon an isle, or stop at a remote port town, donning their alias’ - Laurence Thomas and Jacob Edwards - and find a new vessel, bound for the Orient. Then, they would resume their roles as co-captains as they sailed towards freedom and adventure.
But of course not. Not anymore. Stede sighed again, rubbing the glassy surface of the petrified orange. It was a fitting symbol of his two lives - the Gentleman Pirate and the life from which he had now been severed, father and husband Stede Bonnet. The bumpy, imperfect edges of pirate lifestyle and the cold, smooth mirror of aristocracy in perfect, baffling contrast. He thought of the life he left, his family, his children. His love for them was immense and innate, but he didn’t fit at home, that much was clear.
Alma and Louis had been undeservedly understanding as he laid out the plan for his fantastic death. They were smart and kind, like their mother.
"It's all pretend," explained his daughter, as she ripped a hole through the cotton shirt, "like a play."
It did feel like a play, Stede thought, reflecting on the past couple of months. It was a tale worthy of Shakespeare; The dramatic escape to the sea, the gruesome Murder of Cpt. Badminton, the shocking Betrayal by Geraldo, all culminating in the fateful meeting with the fearsome Blackbeard, through whom he met, and fell in love with, Edward Teach. Curtains closed on Act I, scene 9, the Kiss. A perfect end.
Then came Act II: the ironic Death of Admiral Badminton, the Return to Barbados, and the Last Fuckery - a fitting conclusion to the Life of Stede Bonnet, Gentleman Pirate.
He sat silent on the lapping waves. This felt uncomfortably real. It was real, the love he felt for Ed, who made his heart ache and his mind alight with fantasies. It was real, the life he had given up, for good, to be with him.
And it was frustratingly and sickeningly real, that Stede had left his newfound love at the dock, without any explanation or notice. He could only imagine the hurt he had caused Ed. Had he waited? he wondered. If so, how long was it until he realized that Stede would never come, that he was indeed the coward everyone said he was?
He tried to shrug the thought off. Sure, he was stunned by the death of Chauncey Badminton, and his cutting final words, but, he realized, it wasn't cowardice that led Stede to leave Ed at the docks; it was guilt. Guilt for the pain he had caused his family, guilt that his selfish actions had ruined them. He was content now, to find that he was wrong, that they had taken his departure (mostly) in stride; and that they were able to finally get closure. Now he needed to do the same with Ed.
Not closure, exactly. Repentance? Absolution? He didn't need Ed to forgive him, no matter how much he wanted it, Stede just needed him to know that he was sorry. And that he would never leave again. And that he loved him.
He hoped Ed loved him back.