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He wonders. When he is alone in his chambers. With no one around to see him break down. Is he really up to do this? Is he really up to be the king his people want him to be. His father wanted him to be.
“No man is worth your tears” once he told Merlin. He’d seen his manservant cry that day over a stranger. But that’s not important. Alright? The thing is Merlin is free to show his emotions whenever he wants. He doesn’t have to bottle up his emotions and put a mask on.
Arthur really envied Merlin for this.
As long as Arthur knew Merlin was free of burdens. He doesn’t have to rule a kingdom. He doesn’t have to be anyone’s role model. No one looks up to him like they did to Arthur.
It’s not that Arthur didn’t like being king. But yet he craved for freedom he never had
At late night, when everyone else’s in sleep Arthur goes to sit under the Cherry tree at the far end of the royal garden. Moonlight is dripping through the thick curtains of clouds. It’s Ethereal and Heavenly.
Arthur just sits there until all the sorrows wash away through tiny droplets from his eyes. It feels really good.
But then he remembers “Princes don’t show emotions. They don’t Cry.” His Father said when he was seven. When he fell and twisted his leg.
But then again, He hears Merlin’s whiny voice at the back of his head. “We all human Arthur, whether prince or not …... …… It’s normal to feel.”
He cries hiding his head between his knees. Until all the loneliness, all the fear, all the regrets, he never let anyone know washes away.
He remembers Merlin said,
“You’re honest, true hearted, one day you will be the greatest king this land is ever known”
He wonders how could anyone have such a faith in someone like him. Have that much of unweaving loyalty.
He feels guilty, the way he treats Merlin. But he knows Merlin sees right through him.
He knows it’s the inner strength merlin displays keep him together at the point. He knows it’s Merlin’s faith in him makes him believe in himself.
So …. He wonders. If he should follow his heart and bordun his father, or if he should live up to his father’s legacy.