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Lily feels disconnected from her body as everyone rushes out of Potions. The smell of everything she loves has never felt so suffocating. Her mum’s cigarettes, sticky ink from shitty biros, lavender. She knew the gentle scent of lavender would make its way into the potion, but she can’t stop the dread that fills her at the confirmation.
James’ arm is wrapped snugly around her shoulders as he swoons about smelling her tea tree shampoo in his potion. He is so delighted that he doesn’t notice her grimace at the kiss he plants on her cheek.
Sirius is practically skipping down the corridors because Remus told him he smelled orange oil and wet dog. Lily doesn’t understand the appeal, but it still warms her to see Remus blush at Sirius yelling that his potion smelled like Remus’s “nasty grandpa flavoured tea.”
James and Sirius break off from Lily and Remus for Herbology. She can’t stop the small relief she feels at being left alone.
Her eyes begin to glaze over as she follows Remus blindly to the library. He bends down to catch her attention and quietly asks, “are you okay?”
Lily plasters on a smile and nods mechanically. Her robes still smell like lavender and she fights the urge to bring her sleeve to her nose. Remus doesn’t look convinced by her answer, but takes it and continues towards the library.
When they sit, the silence is uncomfortable. Remus unknowingly makes everything worse by breaking it, “it’s quite sweet that James smelled your shampoo.”
Lily chokes into nervous laughter. “Yeah! Ha, yeah, erm, it is sweet.” She gives a tight smile and resigns herself to being well and truly fucked.
Remus narrows his eyes at her. “Are you sure you’re okay?” He isn’t the type to push, but Lily isn’t the type to show her negative emotions this readily so she can’t be too upset with him.
“Yes.” Lily’s short answer seems to finally let Remus know she’s not ready for a conversation and he sighs but dutifully pulls out his homework. Lily sets out her books and parchment, movements slow as she fights the racing thoughts in her head.
She makes the decision to speak before she can stop herself. A quick ‘muffliato’ is cast on the table before she slams her hands down and yells “I’m a lesbian.”
Her heart is racing and poor Remus is understandably startled as he takes in the feral glint in her eye. He’s been trained to take things in stride, however, and his expression quickly softens. Lily has the passing thought that he is a saint amongst men and makes sure to tell him so after this whole mess is over.
“Okay, thank you for telling me.” He seems genuine but Lily isn’t satisfied.
“Is that it?”
Remus rolls his eyes fondly which Lily does not appreciate in the slightest and he reaches across the table to hold her hand. Physical affection between the two of them is practically unheard of. They love each other, would probably kill for each other, but the touch is awkward and out of place. Then again, so is yelling your sexuality too loudly at your best mate in the library. She has the fleeting thought that she never minds the way Mary touches her hands. When he goes to speak, Lily can’t help but feel on edge by Remus ignoring their emotional stuntedness at the moment.
“I’m also proud of you for telling me. I’m always going to back you no matter what and I hope you know I'm here for you if and when you ever need to talk.” Remus smiles sweetly at her and she decides that that’s enough tender affection for today.
“I appreciate that. Even though you sound like you’re reading from a script.” She smiles to soften the blow and Remus scoffs good naturedly.
“Oh piss off. I was trying to be supportive, you twat.” He pulls his hand back from hers with poorly disguised relief. “Seriously though, I am. Proud of you, that is.”
Lily gives him a small smile to show the sentiment is appreciated. Remus knows her well enough to let the conversation sit there for now. They work silently together until Lily works up the courage to mention what’s been filling her with dread for weeks.
“What about James?” She can’t look Remus in the eye when she asks. She knows how loyal all four of the boys are and she isn’t sure she’s prepared to know where she falls in that.
Remus lets out a long breath and Lily’s heart pounds. She can tell he’s been anticipating answering a question like this. His tone is carefully measured when he finally speaks up, “I imagine you’ll need to break up with him.”
Her stomach drops to the floor.
Remus notices the panic on her face and quickly scrambles to amend himself, “I’m not saying you have to come out to him. Not even a little bit. You dating doesn’t give him automatic claim to everything about you. No, no I just mean that, in fairness to James, maybe you should end things. Irreconcilable differences, innit?”
“Irreconcilable differences? It’s not a bloody divorce, you dick!” Lily frantically pulls her fingers through her hair, wincing when a ring rips strands out. She can feel herself losing footing in the conversation. It’s not a competition but Lily feels a burning anxiety at failing whatever this is. “He’s going to want a reason.”
His grimace lets Lily know he’s just as lost as she is. “You could always… stretch the truth?”
Lily looks down at the table, twisting her rings around her fingers to give her hands something to do. She doesn’t know how to explain to Remus that she’s been stretching the truth for months, years if she allows herself to dwell. She feels torn in two at the guilt of stringing James along and the knowledge that she doesn’t have to come out before she’s ready. The guilt has been tearing away since she was 15 and first realised James’ infatuation with her could help keep secrets. The guilt that has doubled down since she was 17 and realised she needed to make a move on James to keep suspicion from creeping in. Self preservation and guilt have been warring inside of her from the moment they walked into the Great Hall holding hands.
The frustration she feels at herself grows stronger every time she realises how circular her problem has become. Lily is able to preserve her image as James Potter’s perfect girlfriend, but at what point does that preservation become destructive? How much longer can she stand to kiss James in public pretending not to think about how Mary’s mouth moves when she laughs? Lily can feel herself falling apart with too many pieces to hold close to her chest at once. Being who she wants to be has become a nightmare of her own creation where she’s giving both too little and too much of herself and now she’s left to wonder how much of it might be her own fault.
She takes a deep breath.
“I do care about him, you know.” Lily needs to defend herself here. She desperately needs Remus to know that she does care about James. James is unfailingly kind, if not a bit prone to stupidity. Lily needs Remus to know this, the thought of being viewed as cold or callous has Lily ready to vomit on the table.
Remus smiles sincerely and says a gentle “I know” that has Lily wondering if sainthoods can be awarded before death as well.
The thought is quickly erased when he speaks up again. “So, is there anyone in particular you’re interested in?” Lily decides hellfire would be a good look for Remus Lupin.
She goes to sidestep his question, the single minded focus of his stare making her try harder to keep her carefully constructed walls from falling down. “How did you make the move from friends to dating?” Fuck, how was that evasion? Lily internally chastises herself for becoming sloppy and closes her eyes in defeat.
“You don’t have to tell me.” Lily knows Remus is telling the truth, he would never pry into her secrets even if he knows they’re there, but she feels as though he has earned the truth at this point.
“No, I- I think it might be good to talk about it. Especially with you.” Lily didn’t realise how true that was until she said it outloud. She feels some peace at just the idea of talking out her feelings. A foreboding peace, but peace nonetheless.
“You don’t fancy anyone in a relationship do you? I don’t know how much I can help with that.”
“Of course not, Dorcas is practically my sister and Marlene would have my neck.” Lily pauses there, but Remus is waiting patiently for her to continue. Nerves are making her start laughing uncomfortably. “Alice is dreadfully straight and Hestia believes in too many conspiracy theories. I think Emmeline has an off-and-on relationship with a bloke back home.”
“Okay. Alright,” Remus nods slowly. “I noticed you left one friend out,” he looks at her searchingly, “do you want me to bring it up or no?”
Lily bites her lip in contemplation before solemnly stating: “Mary smells like lavender.”
Remus goes to respond but Lily cuts him off. “Mary smells like lavender and she’s beautiful and funny and kind and a bit rude on purpose but she also holds first years’ hands when they get lost and keeps pain potions in her pockets just in case someone gets a headache.” Lily takes a deep breath and continues quietly, but with the same amount of force, “Sometimes she touches my back when she walks by and when she does my makeup she sits in my lap and I can’t feel my lungs. The other day she called me a silly cunt and I almost dropped to my knees in prayer.”
Remus looks as if he doesn’t know whether to laugh at Lily’s frantic ramblings or not. Lily is glad he doesn’t. She can see in his eyes that he knows exactly where she is right now though, and has felt the very same things when he was first drowning in love for an oblivious Sirius.
He’s sympathetic when he asks “how long?”
Lily has a few answers for him, but can’t decide which is the right one. When she was 11 and saw Mary for the first time, she needed more than anything to be her friend. Or at 13, how she felt like screaming after Mary had her first kiss because “we have better things to focus on than boys!” Maybe since she was 15 and realised not every girl had to make a point not to stare when their friends got undressed and “Mary looks really good in yellow.” She could always mention a few months ago when she found out Mary kisses girls too. The joy she felt followed by the crushing need to ask James Potter to Hogsmeade an hour later.
Lily settles for “a while” and lets Remus figure out the rest.
Remus is quiet for a long time, contemplating how to respond to Lily. He narrows his eyes seemingly at himself before sitting up straight with a decision. “You need to tell her.”
“Have you gone round the twist? No. No, that’s a horrible idea.” Lily is so shocked by his insanely out of character suggestion that she finds herself spluttering in indignation.
“I mean, yeah it could go horribly wrong, but,” Lily scoffs and rolls her eyes. Remus ignores her, “ but it could also go well.”
“You know, I was really expecting something insightful from you.”
Remus groans, “you’re a right bitch sometimes, but you’re having a bad day so I’ll let it slide. Think about it, we leave for summer in, what, three weeks? That’s the perfect amount of time for something like this!”
“I’m not sure I follow.” Lily pointedly ignores Remus’s long suffering sigh after she speaks.
“Three weeks until summer. If something goes wrong then everyone has the whole summer to recover. And plus, James and Mary are both unreasonably understanding people—oh Christ you have a type, don’t you?—so I can confidently say things will mellow out if it goes tits up.”
Lily swallows and roughly tucks her hair behind her ear. Her legs are bouncing and knocking into the table. She speaks quietly, “I don’t want anyone to be mad at me.”
Remus tuts, “anyone who gets mad at you for this is not worth keeping around in the first place.” He watches her reactions for a long time before saying much softer, “you owe it to yourself to be who you are, to be yourself honestly. Even if you don’t try anything with Mary, even if you don’t come out to the entirety of the school, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel comfortable and not force yourself to show romantic affection to James.”
Lily knows he’s right. She does, truly. She’s been thinking these things for ages, but the thoughts were never enough to justify respecting her own emotions. Hearing Remus say it with such conviction makes something open up inside of her. She sighs. “You’re right, I guess.”
“I’m sorry, can you say that louder so we can put it on the tally?” His shit eating grin is betrayed by the genuine concern in his eyes. Lily aims a half-hearted swipe at his shoulder across the table to convey the words that often fail between the two of them: ‘I hear you and I appreciate you.’
They fall silent again. Lily uses the time to weigh her options. She knows almost for sure that she’ll end things with James. She hasn’t exactly decided what her reasoning is going to be yet, but she’s considering the truth. For as much as James is her cover story, he is also a close friend. Telling him the truth wouldn't be met with anger and she wouldn’t have to lie anymore. He’ll be sad, that Lily is positive of, but he would never blame her.
Lily thinks about Mary. She considers continuing to pine quietly, Remus would take that knowledge to his death, but then she really thinks about Mary. Lovely Mary who spills at least one drink a day and wheezes when she laughs. Mary, who holds Lily and lets her scream after every letter to Petunia is returned unopened. The Mary, who, after everyone else has gone to bed, says she doubts God exists because “surely he’d let everyone be magic, right?”
Lily thinks about all the hours she has spent wishing she could crawl into Mary’s skin and live there forever. The way she would calculate everything there ever was that has built Mary into who she is today and worship it until she can’t do anything else.
She thinks about how when the boys inevitably make something explode, Mary will always look at Lily first to watch her reaction. She thinks about how Mary only kisses her cheek goodnight. Thinks about how Mary didn’t talk to her for a week after Lily and James made things official.
With that final thought, Lily shoots out of her chair to frantically pack her bag. Remus startles—for the second time in this conversation, poor boy—and watches Lily with concern.
“You okay, Lils?”
“I’m going to break up with James and tell Mary I love her.” Lily stifles a laugh at Remus’s expression. He looks as though he can’t believe anything he said worked. “Oh don’t look so shocked. You’re a gay genius and I’m a semi-repressed lesbian; we historically make a great team. Anyway, I have to go.”
Remus’s smile is absolutely blinding. “Merlin, I’m proud of you.”
“You’re not going to hug me, are you?”
Remus rolls his eyes, “Literally who the fuck do you think I am?” He laughs and pushes her towards the doors. “Stop stalling! And good luck!”
Lily starts to feel giddy with anticipation. The dread that has been living in her gut for as long as she can remember is dissipating and being replaced with determination. She turns to leave and calls back out to Remus, “This conversation stays between us!”
“I don’t even know your name!”
She laughs loudly, glancing back to see Remus trying for nonchalance as he does his homework and pretends Lily was never there. She’s nervous, but she feels a confidence she hasn’t felt before. She knows talking to James is going to be hard, breaking his heart isn’t something she’s taking lightly. She knows talking to Mary is going to be even harder, but she’s been breaking her own heart for years and believes she’ll be okay in the end.
Lily takes what feels to be her hundredth steadying breath in the last hour and heads towards Gryffindor Tower.