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Over the years, Stellan had become used to being alone. He’d become quite good at it, really, especially when he’d realised that his two best friends were becoming something… a bit more than friends.
‘Did you spend the day with Elzar and Avar?’, Master Rana asked him one day, when he’d only just turned eighteen.
Stellan smiled.
‘No, I think they wanted to head out to get something from a vendor’, he lied. ‘I spent the day in the archives.’
He knew perfectly well that Elzar and Avar had snuck out to watch a holoflic together, dressed in their civilian clothes and pretending to be an ordinary couple. He’d even helped them dress up for the date, acting as their fashion advisor. Not that he had any knowledge. But that didn’t seem to matter when Elzar stormed into his quarters with two possible options for his totally-not-a-date date outfit and what seemed like a million questions about how to style them.
‘You’ve been spending quite some time alone in the archives lately’, Rana said and she settled down at the table in their shared quarters, just across from him. ‘How do you feel about that?’
Stellan shrugged.
‘I’m used to it’, he said. ‘I don’t mind being alone.’
Rana narrowed her eyes at him and he had the odd sensation that she could see right through him, through his white lies and through his denial.
He was lonely, even if he didn’t want to admit it.
‘Still, it is rather a big change, is it not?’
Stellan looked down into his tea, trying to ignore the loneliness that was gripping his heart like a claw.
‘I suppose’, he whispered. ‘But it isn’t really in my power to… change anything about the situation.’
‘Stellan’, Rana said, her voice gentle. ‘You always have the choice to say something.’
Stellan looked up abruptly. Had she seen through Avar and Elzar so easily?
‘W-what do you mean, Master?’
Rana smiled and leaned forwards.
‘I mean that it takes courage to be true to one’s feelings. It takes even more strength to voice them, but in the end- even Jedi cannot know exactly what it is that everyone else is feeling. If you do not tell Elzar and Avar- whatever it is you are feeling- well, there is a good chance they may never know.’
Stellan looked back down into his tea and was surprised to realise that tears were building up in his eyes.
‘I just’, he whispered, his voice breaking. ‘I don’t know how to tell them- without destroying everything.’
There was a creaking and Stellan saw Rana get up from her chair out of the corner of his eyes. She walked over to him, settling down in the seat next to him and placing a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder.
‘Do you know what it is that you are feeling?’
Stellan nodded.
‘Can you put it into words?’
‘I- I think so.’
Rana let go of his shoulder and instead pulled Stellan into a warm side hug.
‘Do you want to tell me?’, she asked and Stellan knew that she was giving him a free choice.
‘L-love’, he whispered. ‘I know that Jedi shouldn’t-’
‘That, my dear padawan, is not entirely true’, Rana interrupted. ‘We are forbidden to form attachments. We are not forbidden to love.’
‘But isn’t love attachment?’
‘Yes and no. My personal interpretation- which does not always line up with the interpretation of the council, mind you- is that if you are able to be a Jedi and put your feelings aside in a situation of crisis and let go of the people that you do love- then you are not letting yourself be governed by attachment.’
Stellan bit his lip, trying to keep his tears at bay.
‘But- if I tell them- I may lose them’, he whispered. ‘They have a connection that… that I’m not a part of.’
‘I’m not so sure that’s the truth’, Master Rana said, gently patting his back as Stellan tried and failed not to cry. ‘I’ve watched all three of you for many years now- and I’ve rarely ever seen three people who are more connected.’
Stellan tasted hot tears on his lips as he cried into his master’s arms, something he hadn’t done in years.
‘I’m scared’, he admitted, his voice hoarse. ‘I’m so scared, master-’
‘That is entirely understandable, my dear’, she said. ‘You’re lonely and you’re confused and you’re in love. Many padawans- many people have felt just what you are feeling right now.’
‘How do I- how do I stay a good Jedi- while I have these thoughts? These feelings?’
That question had been weighing on his mind for far longer than he liked to admit.
Rana sighed.
‘I cannot tell you how exactly you will be able to control your feelings- or release them, if that is what you wish to do. As a Jedi you have a duty to understand, control and release your feelings, but if you find that this is not something you are either capable of or willing to do, then there are other paths that you can take that will allow you to do much good as well.’
Stellan raised his head to stare at his master.
‘Y-you think I should leave the Order?’, he asked, shocked.
How- how could I ever- being a Jedi- that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. That’s what I was born to be.
‘I do not- but it does not matter what I think. This is your path. It is your life, Stellan. And no one but you can decide where your path lies or who you are going to be.’
He blinked.
‘I am a Jedi’, he whispered. ‘And I- I love them. That’s the only two things I’m sure of.’
His master smiled and Stellan could see a bit of sadness in her eyes.
Maybe, he wondered. Maybe she’s gone through something like this too.
‘Alright. Then you must find a way to tell them- or figure out on your own what it is you want from them, from yourself, and from your life as a Jedi. I can guide you in this matter, but you have to answer this for yourself.’
Stellan let his head hang again, leaning into Rana’s side, letting her comfort him until he’d calmed down enough to think clearly.
‘If I tell them’, he started. ‘And they feel the same- then I could risk them getting thrown out of the order, right?’
Rana stilled the hand on Stellan’s back for just a moment.
‘I suppose so, yes.’
I can’t.
‘That’s what I thought’, he said, quietly, pulling back and sitting up, wiping his tears away. ‘I can’t tell them.’
Rana was quiet. Stellan couldn’t tell if she approved of his decision or not.
‘I won’t tell them’, he said, his resolve forming. ‘I’ll find a way to live with it- and let it go.’
The room was silent for a few moments longer until Stellan turned towards his master. She was looking at him with a thoughtful expression and Stellan could see just the slightest bit of pain and regret in her eyes.
‘If that is what you wish’, she said, squeezing his shoulders. ‘Would you like to meditate on it?’
Stellan shook his head.
‘Not- not right now. I think I want to be alone for a moment.’
Rana nodded.
‘Alright. Come find me when you’re ready.’