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Elzar had long realised that he had many faults. It had been made abundantly clear to him very early on when people avoided him in the crèche for the way he chose to use his building blocks. Of course, two people had ignored the strange way that he built his towers- or his odd laughter- or his odd habit of fussing around with everything and anything that came into his hands.
Avar and Stellan had not only ignored his strange habits- they’d embraced them. They both, strangely, loved him for every little thing he did. And he loved them too- he loved them so much.
And that had been his downfall.
Elzar loved them both so much that he held on so tightly- too tightly. And in doing so he’d pushed them away. He’d hurt them, by loving them too much, too soon, too tightly.
It had started with Stellan. His polestar, his Stel, the stars to his sea. When they’d been younger they had been inseparable- but at some point, Stellan had started to turn away from him. He didn’t stop being Elzar’s friend and he certainly didn’t stop loving Elzar, but something had changed. Stellan had become burdened with responsibility, with duty, with thoughts of non-attachment, whatever that meant. Elzar had never been able to figure that out.
Stellan had drawn back. He hugged Elzar less often and more than once, Elzar caught Stellan looking at him with a mournful, almost longing expression- like he wanted to reach out again, like he wanted to be with Elzar in a way that transcended friendship- but that there was something about Elzar that stopped him from doing that.
It continued with Avar. When they’d been padawans and Elzar had first kissed Avar, it had felt like two puzzle pieces out of three had finally fallen into place. And for a few short but wonderful years, Elzar and Avar had been together and Elzar had been happy- at least in part. But then, they’d become knights and Avar had told him on a beautiful sunny day- that their time was over. That they had to be knights. That they had to be adults now. Elzar had known that the day would come, it had been entirely inevitable and in the days leading up to Avar’s knighting Elzar had stuck to her side like a parasite, holding on so tight that he knew he was making the inevitable heartbreak so much worse.
She’d drawn back too. And Elzar knew that she still loved him. He could feel her adoration just as much as he could feel Stellan’s- but she’d chosen her duty over him and he couldn’t blame her. He never could, not when he’d eventually done the same- and not when he’d driven her away too.
Elzar never voiced his thoughts. He couldn’t, because he knew that if he did, both Stellan and Avar would probably yell at him. But they couldn’t- or wouldn’t see the reality of the situation.
Elzar Mann held on too tight. He loved too much. And that would always be his downfall.