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Keeping his gaze off of her tonight is difficult, providing Anthony with one of the most challenging things he has had to do. He knows he must keep his full and complete attention on Edwina and offer her a drink when the dance is finished, because if he lets himself slip even the tiniest bit, he’ll look at her.
He has to remind himself why that would be a bad thing.
Kate Sharma looks absolutely ethereal dressed in pink. From the moment she had walked in with her family, he’s been dreadfully aware of her every move, despite the fact that not once so far have they made eye contact, let alone spoken. When he had stepped forward and asked Edwina to dance when the family had come in, Anthony had firmly kept his gaze locked on anywhere but her. Keep your eyes on Edwina, he reminded himself, ignoring the tug in his heart.
The younger sister had been more than happy to take his hand, and he could feel Kate’s gaze burning into his back as they stepped away.
She’s standing alone on the edges of the crowd now, watching him dance, and he can feel her stare, prickling the back of his neck. He hates being this aware of her every move, he can practically feel where she is at every step. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices her look away when he glances over while spinning her sister.
He has to catch himself from faltering, just that once.
No more mistakes. No more stolen glances.
The dance with Edwina is decent, and she is a perfectly capable partner. Not once does she step on his toes, and he offers her a polite smile halfway through one of the intricate spins, which she returns.
When the song is over, Anthony bows to her and Edwina curtsies in return, and he can still feel her gaze, watching the two of them. It’s almost physically painful, restraining himself from looking to find her in the crowd.
It would be so easy, almost second nature. He doesn’t quite hate the thought, and that bit of knowledge burns inside of him.
“Would you like a drink?” he questions, and Edwina nods, her eyes bright.
“That would be wonderful.”
He nods and steps away to request a lemonade, and she returns to Kate’s side. This is where the two of them belong, he and Kate. Safely on opposite sides of the dance floor.
As Anthony walks up to Lady Danbury to greet her, she gives him a smile and a nod, and looks him up and down from where she is standing next to that dreadful Cressida Cowper. “Lord Bridgerton,” she says, shifting her pointed gaze over his shoulder to where he knows Edwina and Kate are standing together, likely discussing him. He takes a moment to pick up two lemonades and collects himself.
“Lady Danbury,” he replies politely, nodding to her in return, and then Cressida. “Miss Cowper.”
Cressida looks as if she wants to engage him in conversation, but he quickly steps away. That is a situation he will not be having tonight if he has any say.
The burning feeling that’s been stuck inside of him only amplifies as he prepares himself for what is coming next, and turns back to make his way to the Sharma sisters, drinks in hand.
They both look up as he approaches, and a sweet smile forms on Edwina’s face. Do not look at Kate, his mind reminds him. His traitorous heart tugs, and it takes everything inside of him to keep his gaze focused on the season’s diamond.
“Miss Edwina,” he says, clearly interrupting the discussion between the two young women and offering the sister in question her lemonade. He makes sure to keep his body tilted away from Kate. He will not look at her.
She takes it graciously, bowing her head a bit in acknowledgement.
“Lord Bridgerton! My sister and I were just speaking.”
Unconsciously, Anthony lets his gaze flicker to Kate, just for a moment out of the corner of his gaze. Her beautiful dark eyes are firmly planted somewhere far away, over Edwina’s head, away from him. He wishes they would turn to meet his.
“She wishes to take to the floor.”
“Ah,'' he says politely, the thought of taking her into his arms and bringing her to the floor crossing his mind for just a moment before he firmly pushes the fantasy aside. That is all it will ever be for them. A mere fantasy. “Well, I am certain that-”
“With you.”
Anthony freezes at that, staring at the younger Sharma, a hopeful look in her eyes. He can tell Kate, from the moment he had let himself glance at her, had already resigned herself to this.
Edwina doesn’t give him a chance to respond though, immediately taking the cup of lemonade that he was holding for himself from his arms., but he barely notices. He’s about to dance with Kate Sharma.
Logically, there is a part of Anthony that knows why Edwina is doing this. She and Kate must have been discussing the possibility of his proposal while he was getting drinks, and Kate is deciding whether or not to give her blessing for him to propose to her sister. But the only thought in his head is certainly not proposing to Edwina. It’s a soft, repeating voice. Dance with Kate.
When he finally looks up at her again, her eyes are already on him. It’s almost magnetic, the way they find each other. The burning sensation pools in his gut as they stare at each other, almost as if attempting to decipher the feelings that the other is having. He offers her what she must know is a forced smile, and she blinks, hesitancy crossing her face, just for a moment.
“Miss Sharma, may I have this dance?”
Anthony utterly despises how perfect it feels to say those seven words as he offers her his hand.
Kate raises her chin, almost defiantly, and it nearly bowls Anthony over with how gorgeous she truly is as she studies him before accepting his outstretched hand. “You may, my lord.”
Forget what he had thought earlier, this - keeping his face carefully blank as he leads the woman by his side to the dance floor - this is the most difficult thing he’s done The woman that, perhaps in another life, he could have let himself-
That is a thought that he banishes immediately.
The music slowly begins, and Anthony bows. Kate gives a polite curtsy in response, and they begin.
Anthony feels as if the entire ton’s gaze is on the two of them at that moment. He knows Lady Danbury and Edwina’s certainly are, watching and waiting to see what would happen as he and Kate move in rhythm, swaying to the music.
But all he can think about at the moment is her.
The two of them raise their hands, meeting in the middle, and move together like magnets drawn together. Even through her glove, he imagines he can feel her pulse, steady and alive. He lets his mind imagine that perhaps her heart is pounding the same way his is, that it pounds the same way his heart does whenever the two of them are near.
Kate is an excellent dancer, which shouldn’t be a surprise considering that he knows she taught Edwina to dance, and her sister is a fine dancer. The next move requires nearly clasping hands with the partner several times, and the fire from earlier that was burning in Anthony’s chest only increases more when she moves closer.
Nothing could make him move his gaze from her in that very moment.
He carefully takes her hands, moving her closer, and prays that the absolute want inside of him is not showing on his face as her hands wrap around his.
The scent of lilies surrounding Kate that has been haunting him since that night on the terrace at their first ball is even stronger up close, and it’s all Anthony can do to stop his brain from focusing on that and ending up missing the next move, carefully guiding her to spin around him.
As the music starts to speed up, she places her hands upon his shoulders and - bloody hell, she’s right in his space - he can’t help but let his eyes close, just for a moment. Never has the concept of dancing felt as intimate as it does right here, in Kate Sharma’s arms.
Their hands easily slide across the other’s and Anthony spins her, his breath hitching ever so slightly when her eyes find his again, her body falling into place by his side.
It’s never felt this good. Never this right.
She’s pressed into him, the lilies invading his senses, and for a moment, it’s easy to forget that she’s likely dancing with him for Edwina’s sake, that he is supposed to ask for her permission to propose to her sister. For a moment, he wants to freeze time and forever have them here, in this moment, wrapped in each other’s arms.
That is, until she finally speaks, her voice a soft whisper.
“Do you have something you wish to ask me, my lord, regarding my sister?”
Anthony can barely breathe, let alone think, with her this close. Her fingers are on top of his, and he inhales the scent of lilies every time he breathes. But he forces a response out.
“If I were to ask for her hand, would you give me your permission?”
He’s not proud that his voice catches on the final word, but if Kate notices, she doesn’t say anything about it.
The next move requires them shifting to their left, and he realizes with a pang in his chest that it lands them right in eyeline with Edwina, who is watching them with a look that has a healthy amount of nerves and excitement.
Kate’s breath catches when she makes eye contact with her sister, Anthony can feel her body tense even further in his arms, conflict warring inside of her.
“I want my sister to be happy,” she replies softly. Both of their gazes are solely on Edwina now, but Anthony shifts his away to look at her out of the corner of his eye.
“And do you think I can make her happy?”
Say something.
The dance finally requires them to move away from meeting Edwina’s eyes, but the dark feeling inside of him does not waver.
“That is a better question for you,” Kate replies without hesitation. “Can you make her happy?”
It is then that Anthony knows he makes his mistake. He pauses just a moment too long, hesitating a beat further than he should have to give his answer. To most people, this would have seemed as if he were considering the best way to give the woman in his arms an honest “yes, I would do the best that I can.”
But Kate Sharma is not most people.
She shifts away from him, finally meeting his eyes, and Anthony immediately mourns the loss of her warmth. It is ridiculous, she is only a few inches away still, and his mouth is still parted, prepared to give her an answer, but she speaks first.
“If your silence is any indication, you are reconsidering your declaration-”
“Is that what you want? For me to reconsider?”
The words come off his tongue unbidden, but they’re honest. Say yes. Say you want me to reconsider.
He’s so close.
“It does not matter what I want,” Kate replies softly, looking down and refusing to meet his eyes. The words strike too close to home in many ways that hurt to begin even considering, and all Anthony wants is to gently lift her head and to see her gaze. But he can’t. The entire ton, including the sister who is prepared for him to propose to her, is watching them now.
“I do not think that is true,” he says, his tone leaving no room for argument. Her face lifts to his, confusion warring in her beautiful brown eyes, and he only hopes that his underlying words get to her.
But then all hope that might have been tugging in his chest breaks at her next words.
“I am to return to India the moment my sister marries,” she responds, slightly shaking her head.
Panic strikes him, shattering something in him. She is to what?
Like a fool, Anthony had let himself believe that even if he could not have this - have Kate Sharma - she would be near to him. Never had he taken into consideration any plans for her to leave.
“You will abandon her?” he asks sharply, his voice raising a bit as he forgets where they are for a moment. Kate shakes her head again, the confusion from a moment ago still clouding her gaze, but there is something else there behind it.
“Far from it, my lord. She will be married.”
By this point, neither he or Kate are dancing. Faintly, he’s aware of the music slowly ending and the odd looks that they are gathering from the audience - Edwina must be wondering what is happening - but he cannot find it in himself to care, because Kate Sharma will be leaving.
“She will not need me. There’ll be no more reason for me to stay,” she continues, and with every word, Anthony’s mind is racing, his heart is pounding.
No more reason for her to stay. He would not be a reason she stayed. She was leaving.
Kate must see the look on his face and mistake it for simple confusion, because she barrels along as if to make any possible misunderstanding clearer. Her next words strike him even harder. “It was the plan all along.”
Anthony had let his mind fool him this entire time. She would always be leaving, she would never stay.
He doesn’t even remember to bow the way the other men are doing around them when Kate curtsies, signaling that the dance is finished. He feels his jaw twitch, the words on the tip of his tongue, begging her to stay. The gaze of everyone in the audience is on them. But he cannot care.
Kate is leaving.
Suddenly, he has to get away. Too much is happening and his heart is hurting in a way that he never thought possible until now. Kate is staring at him, likely wondering why he was not responding, and without a word, Anthony turns and walks away, leaving Kate on the dance floor alone.
This. This was one of the hardest things Anthony Bridgerton has ever done.