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As much as he didn't like to admit it, Kluay hadn't been able to avoid having strange thoughts about Achi in recent weeks. They hadn't yet taken the step of formalizing their relationship, they hadn't even openly admitted what they felt, but it was more than obvious at that point in their lives. In reality, Kluay was frustrated with himself for not knowing how to express his feelings properly, which inevitably led to those thoughts to relieve that frustration in some way.
But the swimmer decided right then and there that it was enough. He would meet with Achi and tell him everything he hadn't told him in that year since they had met. He would do his best to be consistent with his thoughts for once and tell him everything he felt, bluntly and without hesitation, and then he would ask him out. Yes, that was exactly what he was going to do.
When the plan he came up with was perfect in his head, he stopped his strokes and left the lap pool suddenly, heading for the locker room, not thinking of anything else.
“Hey, AiKluay, what fly bit you?” Puth yelled from the water. “We have training in fifteen minutes, where do you think you are going?”
“I forgot that I have something important to do. See you tomorrow.” He said simply, without even turning around to face him, until he was lost behind the locker room doors, leaving a trail of water behind him.
“May I know what’s wrong with him?” Sang asked, suddenly approaching with curiosity.
“Nah, leave him, he's in love…” Puth said, rolling his eyes.
“Ha! As if you knew what that is…” Sang replied mockingly.
“What did you just say?” Puth said, noticeably annoyed with that sentence.
“You two, stop your love fights and keep practicing!” The team captain intervened, provoking giggles on the rest, and causing them both to stop arguing and resume their pool lengths in embarrassment.
When he was dry and dressed, Kluay gathered his things and ran down the stairs of the pool pavilion, heading to the building where Achi studied, praying that he would be there at that moment. As he ran down the outside of the building looking around, he bumped into someone who didn't seem to see him either. As he apologized with a wai, he verified that it was the person he was looking for at that moment, who seemed stunned by the sudden encounter.
“Can't you watch where you're going?” Achi commented with annoyance.
“Sorry, I was thinking of you.” The words came out of Kluay's mouth directly, accompanied by his typical sly smile and joking tone, which ended up turning into embarrassment when he realized that this, for the first time, was a different situation, and that his jokes just didn't fit. Although the rosy cheeks that he managed to provoke in Achi gave him enough strength to continue.
“Hey, I have something important to…” They both looked at each other when their voices sounded in unison, making their embarrassment even greater. After a few seconds of awkwardness, Achi decided that what he had to say could wait, and let Kluay speak first.
He scratched the back of his neck nervously, not sure where to start.
“You see… Lately I can't stop thinking about yo- …about us, about our strange… You know, relationship. In everything we have lived together. What we are and where we want to go, why we are this and not the other…”
“Can you… drop the philosophical questions and get to the point, P'…?” Achi interrupted, hesitantly.
Kluay ran his fingers through his hair, still half wet, and continued to the nape of his neck, scratching it again, without taking his gaze from the ground. After a few seconds, he mustered the courage to look him in the face and open up.
“What I mean is… I like you, and I want us to go out together.” The swimmer brought his hand to the back of his neck in shame for the umpteenth time. It was like a reflex action. “I would like to have a formal relationship with you after all this time.”
The hesitant expression on Achi's face completely changed upon hearing those words. He was now expressing concern, and he supposed even Kluay could notice it when he rushed to speak again.
“…Although we don't have to take that step if you don't want to. I just wanted to be honest with my feelings once and for all, even if it sounds incompatible with me, you know.” Kluay regained a bit of his teasing tone with his last sentence. “I've been thinking about it a lot for a while and I needed to tell you… but we can always wait as long as it takes… Until you're ready.” The swimmer felt out for these last words.
“It's not that, P’. It's just… if we become a couple, I wouldn't want to disappoint you.”
“What do you mean?” Kluay frowned, not understanding.
Achi pursed his lips and looked away, evaluating whether it was a good idea to open up himself right now too. He let out a sigh before speaking.
“After much searching and gathering information, I recently discovered that I am… asexual.” Seeing Kluay's face, Achi's heart pounded uncomfortably. “You don't know what I'm talking about… do you?”
“Hey, I'm not an idiot, at least not as much as you think.” He added jokingly, trying to get the other to relax. “I have a vague idea… But maybe, if you explain it to me, I can understand it better, don't you think?”
Something in Achi's subconscious told him that it wouldn’t be a good idea to go into detail explaining his sexual orientation, that Kluay wouldn’t understand it and that both would be harmed. After all, the swimmer was a young, attractive, athletic man, wanting to explore his sexuality, although he probably already had… What if the person he is supposedly in love with told him that he was simply not interested in having sex with him? That the idea of ‘consummating’ their relationship doesn’t appeal to him? Obviously, Achi assumed that first he would freak out, then he would take it as a joke and probably, after a while, he would get bored and look for someone better to share intimate moments with. There was no possible way that a twenty-something like Kluay, who was probably attracted to everything related to sex, would accept someone who couldn't give it to him, right? Achi's chest constricted painfully at the thought of that not-so-remote possibility.
“No,” he replied dryly. “I don't think it's a good idea to explain it to you…”
“Why not? Are you going to leave me wondering? You know that the internet exists and that I can look up information about it whenever I want, right?”
Achi swallowed nervously. For a moment he had forgotten that possibility.
“And you also know that there is a lot of misinformation on the internet, especially for people who don't know about it… right?”
“That's why I prefer that you explain it to me.” The swimmer replied, with a friendly smile on his face. “At least I know you are a trusted source.” Kluay approached the young man, but he took a step back.
“I think… it's better that we continue as we have been. As friends, with no visible feelings involved.” Achi added suddenly, without looking at him. “Maybe then, in time, you can find someone better than me.”
Kluay's face turned serious, the playful glimpse of an instant ago vanished. Those words hurt him. He didn’t understand the sudden attitude of the other.
“You know perfectly well that I haven't looked at anyone for a long time; at anyone other than you.” Achi blushed, but his concern didn't fade. “What is the problem? Does it bother you that we are both… male? Are you afraid of something? For a moment I thought… you reciprocated my feelings. I'm sorry I misunderstood you if so…”
Achi shook his head at those statements.
“You don't understand, P’. I just… I don't think we can be together. At least not like you think. I'm sorry…” Achi's glassy black eyes fixed on Kluay like a pin, in an apologetic gesture that sank and confused him in equal measure. After that, the younger one hurried off in the opposite direction, losing himself among a crowd of students entering the university building.
After three days without Achi showing up at the university, without responding to his calls and messages, and after three days without sleeping due to worry, Kluay decided it was enough. He knew perfectly well where the younger lived, so he didn't think twice about taking a bus and heading straight to his house, about twenty minutes from university, after finishing his swimming training.
He rang the bell several times, somewhat impatiently, not thinking about who would open the door, or if they would even open it, and mixed feelings hit him as a pretty frowning face greeted him behind it.
“Can we talk, please…?” Kluay asked by way of greeting, his voice strangely calm and sweet.
Achi half-opened his mouth, trying to make a complaint, but in the end, for unknown reasons, he changed his mind, and, suspiciously, let the swimmer pass. A collage of photos of Achi as a baby on one side of the entrance was the first thing Kluay saw upon entering the house, something that put him in a good mood as the younger led him up the stairs to his room. When Achi opened its door, the swimmer glanced around the room for a few seconds; a normal and ordinary room of a university boy who lived with his parents. Nothing that caught his attention, except the owner of it.
A slight throat clearing brought him out of his reverie.
“You came to talk… weren't you?” As he turned his gaze towards Achi, he found him sitting on a small sofa, next to the window, with his legs intertwined and with some concern on his face. The young man seemed more willing to talk than last day.
He approached him somewhat hesitantly, and sat down next to him when the young man nodded impatiently at him. Both of them were silent for a few seconds, uncomfortable, in parallel staring at the ground.
“…I'm sorry.” Their gazes met as they spoke, once again, in unison. They stayed like that for a moment, perhaps trying to figure out something in the other's gaze. Achi looked away shortly after to take the first step.
“…I still feel quite misunderstood on this topic.” He confessed almost in one go, putting the soles of his feet together. “But… of all the possible people, the one I least want not to understand me… is you.”
Achi turned her head to look at him, concerned.
“And how do you want me to understand or not understand if you haven't explained it to me yet?” Kluay smiled at him tenderly.
The younger man looked away again and swallowed hard.
“As I told you the other day, I recently discovered that I am asexual…”
“Which means…?” The swimmer tested, expectantly.
“Which means… I don't feel… sexual attraction.” Achi slowly turned his head towards Kluay again, fearfully waiting for some answer.
Kluay blinked in confusion.
“Does that mean… maybe… you don't reciprocate me?”
“No, P’!” Achi went from fear to frustration in seconds. Although shortly after he calmed down and tried to explain himself better. “Sexual and romantic attraction are separated…”
Kluay blinked again, but this time with growing curiosity. He wanted to know more, and he wanted Achi to explain it to him, so that there would be no misunderstandings.
“Okay, then explain it to me like I’m five.”
Achi wrinkled her nose, looking at him like he was a freak.
“I’m totally serious. I’m interested in knowing more, and explaining it in a simple way is how you learn best.” Kluay placed himself towards Achi, elbow resting on the back of the sofa and his head resting on his hand, fully attentive. “…So tell me, I'm willing to listen to you.”
This gesture made Achi blush, but deep down he was happy at the other's sudden attention.
“Let's see… Where do I start… you know that sexual orientation is like a scale, right?”
“You mean heterosexuality is at one extreme and homosexuality at the other, right? And in between is bisexuality, so to speak.” Kluay explained, as best he could.
Achi nodded slowly.
“Well now… Don't think of it as a straight line, because asexuality is just below, forming an inverted triangle.” Seeing Kluay's wrinkled nose, the younger continued with his explanation. “Think of it as a spectrum. Heterosexuality is at one of the upper ends, homosexuality at another, and asexuality is at the bottom.” He explained, drawing an inverted triangle in the air with his index finger. “That’s why asexuality is at the very bottom; the lower, the less sexual attraction. The upper orientations are the ones that do feel sexually attracted. There are also other orientations in between, which may feel more or less sexual attraction.”
Suddenly, something lit up on Kluay's face, as if a lightbulb had suddenly been lit in his mind, and he smirked.
“Oooh, I get it.”
“So… regardless of their orientation, people who are sexually attracted are called alosexuals. Then I would be on the other end, the asexual end. I'm just… I'm not interested in having sex, and I'm not attracted to the idea.” Achi looked down.
The swimmer's smile faded for an instant.
“Haven’t you ever felt the need to… do it? I mean, you're a year younger than me, we're young… Does it… maybe something to do with you not having your first time yet?” After the last question, Kluay seemed to regret a bit. “Sorry to say idiotic things, I really want to know.”
Achi shook his head, dismissing it.
“Don't worry, it's okay to ask questions, no matter how idiotic they are. You can learn that way too.” The younger smiled a little, and Kluay smiled back at him. “As for your questions… It has nothing to do with it. I’m just not interested.”
“So… I understand that for you, caresses, hugs or kisses fall within the romantic… Orientation?” The swimmer looked at Achi for approval, and Achi nodded. “But without any… sexual connotation or desire, right?”
Achi nodded again.
“I'm… sorry to disappoint you.”
“Hey, don't talk nonsense. You haven't disappointed me in any way, okay?” Kluay approached him and clasped his hands with his, looking into his eyes. “What's more, I thank you for teaching me something new. For teaching me that not everything is based on sex or sexual things, and that I don't need any of that to know that I really… am in love.”
“But P’, I thought that you… You couldn't live without… You know.”
The swimmer couldn't help but laugh.
“What kind of sex freak do you think I am? I've only done it twice, and honestly, it wasn’t a big deal, either. Although maybe the people I slept with had something to do with it…” Kluay's mind returned as soon as he left, not wanting to recall past experiences. “Anyway… does that mean I can't live without it? Obviously not, because I know there are much more important things. Like enjoying your company, or seeing how you blush while I tell you this. Now I finally realize that it doesn't matter what, but with whom.”
Achi's mouth parted, red as a tomato.
“W-wait, did you indirectly say that…? Have you talked as if we were a couple?”
“By now, I thought you'd have noticed earlier.” The swimmer smiled. “It's what I was trying to tell you three days ago, before you ran away.”
The youngest hung his head guiltily.
“So… if you're okay with me… I guess we can start a… romantic relationship.”
“Romantic, that's it.” Kluay repeated, nodding with a smile. “…I'm more than fine with you, I don't need anything else.” He added, taking his hand in his. After that they looked at each other, for an inestimable time, only interrupted by the swimmer's question. “Is it okay if… I hug you?”
Achi nodded, and Kluay smiled, approaching him and slowly wrapping his arms around the younger's slim torso, giving him a warm hug. Achi imitated his gesture slowly, although with a strong grip, resting his head on the older boy's shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, saying nothing, listening to their calm breaths and the rhythmic sound of their heartbeats.
“I love you, P’.” Achi checked with some happiness how Kluay's heartbeat, very close to his chest, quickened after saying that.
“I love you too.” The swimmer answered in a soft voice, closing his eyes and trying to capture every second of that precious moment, praying that it would be eternal. “More than you can imagine.”