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When first making the decision to frequent a bar in the seediest part of Ketterdam, Wylan didn’t really think of the dangers to himself. He fully thought of the dangers to his father’s reputation and the image Jan Van Eck had carefully crafted over the years, but worrying about his own safety wasn’t really a priority.
Maybe he should’ve planned better.
The first time Wylan met Kaz Brekker, he was sporting a black eye and a ripped shirt sleeve. Luckily, the mugger had only taken Wylan’s beaten down wallet with a whopping total of eight dollars and thirty nine cents.
Kaz had given him a glass of whisky for free, in honor of his first beating in the Barrel. Wylan grinned and threw back the alcohol, ignoring the disgusting taste and focusing on the feeling of victory, of freedom. He was in a place his father couldn’t scold him or make him feel less than. It felt great .
He went back the next night and the next, learning what streets to avoid and who to watch out for. He learned the names of the other regulars at the bar (Nikolai, Zoya, Genya, and Alina, among others); he quite literally ran into the other bartender (Jesper Fahey, probably the most beautiful person Wylan had ever seen. When Wylan saw him for the first time, he was convinced he was a knight, coming to rescue him from his tower. He had blushed immediately due to the thought and couldn’t muster up any courage to talk to him until he was halfway out the door.); he became as friendly with Kaz as someone could be (which wasn’t very friendly at all, but he could tell Kaz was at least trying).
Until, of course, word got back to his father about Wylan’s frequent visits to the Barrel, and the scoldings turned into physical reminders of Wylan’s place. Which led to more visits to the Barrel. The cycle continued, making Wylan even more miserable than before.
If Kaz or Jesper noticed anything, they didn’t comment on it.
Good, Wylan thought as he threw back a shot, ignoring the taste as he always did. He tried not to drink too much, and always reminded Kaz to stop him should he exceed a dangerous limit. His dangerous limit was usually three, if not two, drinks.
Wylan Van Eck wasn’t a charity case. He could handle his own affairs and didn’t need anyone to hold his hand. That was how he got through the first twenty-two years of his life, so why change his routine now? Whatever went on in his father’s manor was his own business, nobody else’s.
Except, it was nice when Jesper would put an extra cherry in Wylan’s drink if he had a particularly rough day. Or when Kaz would blatantly disregard Wylan’s order and give him a plain soda if he seemed too emotional. Maybe it wasn’t charity, but like having friends.
The concept of having friends was so foreign to Wylan that when Kaz offered up the spare room in his apartment, Wylan almost choked on his drink.
“I’m sorry, what?” Wylan asked, thumping his chest.
“You’re clearly not in safe living conditions, and I have a spare room I’m not doing anything with. It’s only to make use of the space, don’t get any ideas.”
But Wylan’s mind was already turning.
Kaz Brekker, who never did anything for anyone without some kind of clear motive, was offering Wylan a place to stay. A place away from insults and bruises and cruel reminders of all his faults and flaws. A chance to know people who weren’t there due to some obligation or favor.
“I’m not even sure if you’d want the room, in all honesty. Jesper leaves his dirty laundry everywhere and Matthias is up every day before dawn.”
Before Wylan’s mind could even fully grasp the first life changing thing Kaz told him, it fully short circuited with the new information that Jesper would also be in the apartment.
And it wasn’t like Wylan had a crush. He barely knew Jesper in the first place. It was more like… he simply thought Jesper was attractive. That’s all there was to it.
Besides, Wylan needed a way out. He might not be a charity case, but he knew an escape when he saw one. Kaz was giving him his hand to pull him out. It was just a step towards his own freedom. He could only put up with his father for so much longer, and he could already feel that time slipping away from him. So, despite the fact that he barely knew Kaz or Jesper, and despite the fact that this could all be some sort of trick or trap, Wylan agreed.
“You’d have to pull your weight around the apartment. Unlike certain people, I’m not made of cash,” Kaz said.
“I’m not-” Wylan began to protest, before seeing the wicked smile on Kaz’s face. That feeling in the pit of his chest came back; the feeling of having friends. From the rumors he had heard, Kaz Brekker wasn’t the kind to have friends, but he clearly made an exception for Jesper and whoever Matthias was. Maybe he would make an exception for Wylan too.
With that knowledge, with that hope, for once in his life, Wylan Van Eck was incredibly confident in his answer.
“I’ll take the room.”
There was no sugarcoating it: the place was a dump.
Every room was just a little too small for the amount of people in it, making Wylan feel claustrophobic. It didn’t help that Kaz’s other roommate, Matthias, was a beast of a man. He easily dwarfed Wylan, and could very easily bench press him if the situation called for it. Along with Kaz and Jesper being both the heights they were, Wylan would have to fight to fit anywhere in the whole apartment.
Which, in all honesty, was much better than having to fight to fit anywhere in his father’s house.
“Having any doubts now?” Jesper asked once Wylan finished moving all his stuff in. His room wasn’t as bad as he was fearing, but the walls were incredibly thin and he could hear every whispered conversation in the kitchen.
Jesper sat down on the floor next to the bed, his face parallel with Wylan’s knee. Wylan could feel the heat radiating off of him. It infuriated him.
“I don’t think so.”
“That’s so encouraging.”
Wylan tried to suppress his smile but failed. Something he quickly learned about Jesper was that he could make him smile no matter what. If Wylan had had a bad day, Jesper was there with a terrible joke that made Wylan grin from ear to ear. That also infuriated him.
“Give me a few days and the answer could change,” Wylan teased.
Jesper replied, “Oh, just wait until Matthias takes his four AM showers and sings his stupid showtunes every morning . You’ll wish we’re getting evicted.”
“ Showtunes? ”
“Matthias Helvar is the most dedicated theatre kid, I’ll have you know. His sister performs at the high school, and he drags us to every single show.”
Wylan couldn’t help but grin at the image of the colossal Matthias taking an unamused Kaz and an energetic Jesper to a high school production. None of them seemed to belong in the same space, and yet they all found each other. It gave Wylan hope that he’d fit in with them.
“And what about your obnoxious habits?” Wylan asked.
Jesper scoffed. “As if I’d have any. Perhaps my obnoxious habit is waking up absolutely flawless.” Wylan would believe it. Which made his cheeks grow warm. Which infuriated him even more.
“Nah, I bet you never put the dishes away or something.”
Jesper began to protest when a faint, “He doesn’t!” came from the kitchen.
“I work very hard to make this house a home!” Jesper said. Wylan started laughing, unable to catch his breath or stop tears from forming. “Saints, I’ve never heard you laugh like that.”
That sobered Wylan up.
His laughter had been an absent sound in his father’s manor. When he did laugh, it was usually during a dinner party, and usually at his own expense. He had learned early on not to be too noisy or too much.
“Well, my usual bartender isn’t known for his comedy,” Wylan said.
“You better be talking about Kaz,” Jesper shot back. Wylan’s laughing resumed until he ended up on the floor next to Jesper.
Usually, there was a bar separating them, not allowing Wylan to get too close. Now though, there was only air in between them.
“And who else laughs at your jokes?” Wylan teased, voice low.
“Plenty of girls.”
Wylan could feel his heartbeat in his ears. “Just girls?”
Jesper’s smile was small, but Wylan didn’t miss how genuine it was.
“No. Not just girls.”
Definitely not a crush.
The letters started arriving about two weeks into living in the apartment.
Wylan didn’t bother with them at first, barely able to make out who they were from. But then the stack started getting higher and higher, and, observant as he was, Kaz noticed.
“Remind me not to send you a letter in case of emergency,” he said, nodding to the pile with roughly ten unopened letters now. Wylan knew the comment wasn’t out of malice, but it stung all the same. Even in his refuge, he couldn’t escape the things he lacked.
Wylan forced out a chuckle. “I’ll, uh, I’ll get to them. I’ve just been a bit busy.”
He never was a very good liar.
“The name on the return address, it’s your last name. Letters from some family member, I assume?”
“My… my father.”
Realization dawned on Kaz’s face, and Wylan wished he had just kept his mouth shut. Yes, he took the spare room; yes, he accepted the hand that Kaz had offered him; but Wylan Van Eck was not a charity case. He was not to be pitied and felt sorry for. He already did that enough himself.
“There’s a shredder in my office at the bar. If you ever have a need for it,” Kaz said, then promptly left the room.
Wylan let out a small sigh of relief. The topic of his dyslexia was complete taboo throughout his entire childhood. It was routinely beaten into his head that that one tiny thing was sure to be his downfall, that no one would accept him for this thing he couldn’t control. It was nice to know that Jan Van Eck could indeed be proven wrong.
That didn’t stop the letters from coming, though.
Everyday, Wylan would make his way down to the bar, his satchel full of envelopes with Van Eck Enterprises stamped on the front. Kaz would just raise his eyebrow in silence as Wylan made his way into his office.
Many times Jesper would ask what he was doing there, and every time Wylan couldn’t bear the thought of confessing. Sure, Kaz accepted him without a word, but would Jesper? Would Matthias? Wylan barely knew any of them. He could feel years of insecurities clawing up his throat whenever any of them so much as glanced at him with some semblance of pity. He couldn’t bear to have those glances linger any longer than they did.
So he kept the letters tucked close to his chest. He kept his visits at the bar brief. Kaz never said anything, so neither did Jesper or Matthias.
It was better this way. Wylan didn’t want them thinking less of him, like his father.
Though, he felt just as lonely as before.
A knock at his bedroom door tore Wylan out of his thoughts. Kaz was in the doorway, a slight frown on his face.
“Aren’t you going to join us?” he asked. When Matthias had first moved in, Jesper declared that Saturdays would be mandatory movie nights so their bond as roommates would be stronger. Wylan had yet to participate and felt guilty about all the different excuses he was giving.
“Maybe next week,” Wylan responded. The frown on Kaz’s face deepened.
From the living room, Wylan could hear Matthias saying that it was his turn to pick the movie. The guilt in his stomach started bubbling even more.
Kaz took a small step into the room. “You’re not helpless so quit acting like it.”
“What?”
“You keep pushing them away because you think you’ll know how they’ll treat you. You cower in your room instead of being with the people who also have nowhere else to go.”
The fear in Wylan’s chest, the fear of being welcomed in only to be rejected again, started to slowly dissipate. He knew Kaz was right. In most situations, he usually was. But logically knowing something and actually believing it were two different things.
“Who cares if reading is hard for you? Lots of things are hard for Jesper. Lots of things are hard for Matthias.” Kaz hesitated, seeming to rip his vulnerability straight from his chest. “Lots of things are hard for me. You’re not less than for what you can’t do.”
And suddenly, the thing that Wylan had believed all his life, the thing Jan Van Eck made sure he never forgot, was disproven just like that. By a boy from the Barrel his father would’ve sneered at.
“Wylan, pick a movie before Matthias makes us watch Into the Woods !” Jesper shouted from the living room. Immediately, Wylan knew they heard everything. And he didn’t care.
“It’s a classic musical!”
“Not when James Corden is in it!”
Kaz groaned and rolled his eyes, but Wylan was smiling so wide his cheeks began to ache. These people wanted him around. They accepted him for what he could do, not shunned him for what he couldn’t.
Even if anyone had offered him a spare room, Wylan knew he would choose these three boys. He would choose Matthias’s green protein smoothies, and Jesper’s two hour long showers, and Kaz’s refusal to go to bed before the sun came up. And he knew they would choose him, too.