Chapter Text
Anthony Bridgerton woke with the sun a changed man.
He woke as a husband.
It had been perhaps only three hours since they had finally succumbed to sleep, and despite Kate claiming she was a fussy sleeper who needed her space, he found her with her nose pressed to his chest, curled into him as she dreamed peacefully.
He didn’t move, scared to disturb his own reverie, watching as her chest rose and fell against him. Vaguely, lust rose, but his body was far too exhausted to rise to the occasion. Instead, Anthony simply watched her.
Kate.
Love swelled slowly in him, flooding his senses and forcing out a shaky breath from between his lips, suddenly overwhelmed.
He screwed his eyes shut to stem the sudden tears that sprung and just as quickly opened them, unwilling to miss more time with his wife.
The thought slammed into him. Kate was now his wife. No longer was Anthony only Anthony. He was a pair, immortalized. Always Lord and Lady Bridgerton and not Lord Bridgerton and Lady Bridgerton. He was now and forever, Kate and Anthony, Anthony and Kate. The sheer magnitude of that thought made him ache. Still, he didn’t move, only watched as she smiled and murmured nonsensically, nuzzling in closer to him.
His mind flashed back to their last moments of touching, exhaustion making them tremble as he had slowly moved inside her. She had pressed against him when she reached her peak, holding onto him for support, supporting him when he shook against her, so lost to the world he could only mouth Kate or Kathani against her skin.
Nothing had been on his mind but her name. She had been everything he wished to say. Kate and Kathani became ‘I love you’, ‘You’re everything’, ‘Never leave’. Anthony had never been so utterly consumed.
This was it, he realized. Love. It was as if the world had become sharper, his relationships with his family a little easier now that he had something to help shoulder the weight with him, the promise of Kate when he went home.
Suddenly, he felt shame over saying he had loved Siena. Memories flashed in his mind of when he had brought her flowers and she had denied him, and of his father’s watch, always ticking away. He was ashamed at how he had treated her, how easily he had used those words like currency when even then some part of him recognized the only reason he said it was because he knew they didn’t love each other and if they married, she would likely only feel relieved to be rid of him when he died.
He was ashamed of misleading Edwina into believing he could love her when he wanted her sister, of wanting a future where he would deny Edwina of love from him and from her sister simply because he had never dealt with his father’s death, damning her to misery.
He was ashamed of hurting Kate, of allowing himself liberties no matter how miniscule they had been while still planning on marrying Edwina. Anthony remembered getting up after he had slid the ring onto Edwina’s hand and glancing at Kate. Her face had been twisted in pure devastation, tears barely contained, and she had looked at him for a moment with such sheer betrayal that Anthony could only barely smile at Edwina and then turn and leave, running from his own inescapable guilt.
Anthony had to remind himself that shame was not a useful emotion, that it only served to make him hurt himself and others. He pushed the shame inside to uncover the remorse it hid. He reminded himself that Siena had moved on, and that Edwina had forgiven him. He reminded himself that Kate loved him. Here she was, pressed against him like he was her greatest source of comfort. She had forgiven him and they had had plenty of conversations about how she felt about everything. He had apologized, and he had been forgiven. Now all he could do was, everyday, make sure he deserved that forgiveness.
His mind flashed memories of him at eighteen, embroiled in his own grief while in charge of managing his family and the viscountcy. Anthony had been so lonely. When his father died, parts of his heart had been lost and he had no one to help find them.
And then came Kate Sharma.
She hadn’t quite helped so much as she had shoved and pushed him until he found himself again.
More memories passed through his mind, and Anthony became aware of the most absurd thought.
He had missed her. For twelve years, he had missed Kate. Acutely, desperately, he had missed her.
And suddenly, the tears could not be helped. His arm wrapped around his Kate and he pressed her closer to him, the feel of her bare skin against his serving to crush more of his defenses.
And Anthony Bridgerton cried. It took only a few seconds for her to wake, and a disgruntled, tired sound came out of her that he hadn’t known and would now know for the rest of his life. It only made him cry more.
Kate wiggled in his arms so they were face to face, and her face was concerned. “What’s wrong?”
Anthony could only shake his head, pressing his forehead against hers. She made an answering sound of concern and panic and comfort and wrapped her arms tight against him, pulling them even closer together.
When he calmed down a handful of minutes later, her voice came hoarse as if she would shed some tears of her own. “Anthony.”
He didn’t want to say it. He was aware of how irrational he sounded. But he had never had a filter with Kate, so the words came flying out of his mouth. “I missed you.”
“Anthony, I’m right here. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.” Anthony could only shake his head.
He practically gasped out, “For twelve years, I missed you. You weren’t here, and I missed you.”
Suddenly, her arms were wrapped around him tightly, squeezing him back as Kate’s face nuzzled into the crook of his neck. She did not speak, she only pressed tight against him, holding him until he calmed and making sounds of comfort.
And although Anthony already knew it, he realized again how much he loved Kate. He suspected it would be a realization that he would experience over and over again throughout as many years as he was blessed to be with her.
And he would cherish every moment, tuck it away, never forget a single one. For Kate. For him. Because he loved her.