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Harry is, of course, perfect. His little feet kick as he screams his way into an actual tiny human being. Sirius watches Harry, and Remus watches Sirius. He watches the way Sirius plays with his nephew, the way he looks at him, the longing gaze whenever he has to hand Harry back to his parents.
And Remus starts to take note.
Harry grows, and the whole friend group grows with him.
Remus takes note, when Sirius starts to read books on parenting and child psychology, and he takes note of the careful ways Sirius implements what he learns into his interactions with Harry.
He takes note of the gentle way Sirius never pushes Harry, of the way he always seems to have a smile for him, no matter how tired he is or how sucky the day was.
Remus quickly loses track of his mental notes, because sooner or later, the signs are everywhere. Not only would Sirius make a brilliant dad - he probably wants it too.
It’s there in the gentle way Sirius tucks Remus into bed after an episode, it’s there in the way he sometimes seems like he’s about to say something, but then dodges at the last minute.
So yeah… Sirius never directly says to Remus: “I want a child.”
Remus just knows.
***
For a while, Remus’ sketchbook is full of doodles of a dark-haired freckled child. There’s something lonely about it, something off, and Remus tries not to think too hard about that.
***
Remus wakes up one morning, curled around a pillow, half lidded eyes burning with recognition. It feels like realizing he’s trans all over again: The slow build-up of signs and off emotions that just don’t fit anywhere - and the sudden realization, hitting him when he least expects it, blowing his breath away. It feels at once so wrong, and so right.
Remus wants a child.
What’s more troubling, Remus wants the child to be between him and Sirius only - he swears he will unpack that shit later -
and
and
Well.
He could. It’s not impossible. Other trans guys have done it.
***
“No way,” Sirius says, looking incredulous. “The two of us, with a child? It would be a disaster!” Remus staggers as his heart takes a deep dive into the abyss.
This is not how this conversation needs to play out.
“Why?” Remus asks, trying not to let any emotion show. It’s easy: The torrent of emotions inside of him is triggering his flat affect big time.
“Well honey… I’m a literal mess of a human being, and don’t get me started on..” Sirius gestures vaguely at Remus. “I mean, point is, it would be a disaster.”
Remus lets it go. He doesn’t need Sirius to tell him that he’s a genetic dumping ground. If anything, this whole misunderstanding just proves it further.
Google is happy to remind him that
“Gestures are an important aspect of non-verbal communication, but people with schizophrenia have poor comprehension of them. There is evidence that people with psychotic disorders tend to perceive communications where none were intended. Such mistakes about non-verbal behavior are the hallmark of a subtype of delusions of reference identified as delusions of communication.”
Great. Now he’s being delusional too.
***
Remus can’t stand to look into his sketchbook, and gets a fresh one. He tells himself it’s for the better. He shouldn’t be entertaining these thoughts, not now, not ever.
***
When Sirius brings it up again, he’s fresh out of a therapy session. Remus is driving, but he can sense that Sirius is not looking at him.
“I’m sorry I implied you wouldn’t make a great dad,” Sirius says, and Remus swallows.
“It’s ok, I mean I probably wouldn-”
“No!” Sirius stops him. “No, you’d be fantastic.”
“Ok…” Remus answers, trying hard not to take his eyes off the road. This must’ve been one hell of a therapy session.
“I realized.. I mean. Truth is, I panicked. And I’m sorry.” Remus briefly looks to the side, then back at the road. Sirius is playing with a strand of hair, the way he tends to when he’s nervous. “I never.. doubted that you could make a good dad, I just.. I didn’t feel like it was something I deserved, or could have, but…” Sirius trails off.
For a while Remus gets lost in the monotone of the rumble of the engine and the streetlights passing them by. Then Sirius speaks again.
“It’s just. I want it, Remus. I want it so bad.”
Remus doesn’t say anything at first, and he knows his expression is perfectly unreadable. He wants to pull over and hug Sirius, but he doesn’t, not right now.
“I’m just…. Remus, I’m scared.” Sirius’ voice is breaking, and Remus’ heart breaks with it.
“I know,” Remus answers finally. Of fucking course. Of course Sirius is scared. Hell, Remus is scared. “But I want it too.”
***
They’re lying in bed while the sun rises, lazily cuddled together under the covers as warm light starts to fill the bedroom.
“Hey Remus?” Sirius says, long fingers stroking his head, nuzzling his hair.
“Mmm?” Remus mumbles, half-asleep.
“I meant it, you know. I want to raise a child with you.” Remus is suddenly quite awake.
“I’ve been uh… looking into.. options…” Sirius says. “I mean, I would never ask you to… you know… and I don’t think we could be approved for adoption, so…” he falters.
Remus’ face is burning, but he knows he has to open his mouth and spell out what it is that he wants.
“Sirius uhh…” Remus says hesitantly. “Remember how… Remember how when I first came out, I was so afraid to be femme?” Remus pushes himself into the crook of Sirius’ arm, so he doesn’t have to face him. “Or even before? And like, now I can wear a dress if I feel like it, because who cares, I know who I am?”
“Yes..?” Sirius has instinctively wrapped his arms around Remus, sensing his unease.
“Well, I… I’ve been thinking about… maybe I wouldn’t mind if this child was like… I mean maybe I could rock pregnancy, you know? It’s only 9 months, and it’s not like… I mean, there’s nothing inherently wrong with a man giving birth, is there? And.. you know..” Remus trails off, burying his face in the Padfoot-cave.
Sirius doesn’t respond immediately, which is uncharacteristic for someone with his amount of impulse control.
“Uh, you mean…” he says after a while. “You mean like. What? I mean, how does that.. work…” a pause. “Oh fuck! I don’t mean! Like, just. Is that.. okay for you? I thought maybe you couldn’t, or wouldn’t want to, or..” Remus shakes his head against Sirius’ chest. “I just.. I mean, I will have to stop taking the pill. And uh, my uh. I will have to stop taking T for a while, too.”
“Oh.” Sirius says.
“Yea,” Remus supplies. “But it’s ok! Really! It’s not like.. not like I’ll magically revert all changes and… and I mean… my point is, it’s worth it. To have a child with you, it’s worth it.”
Sirius is silent for a moment more, but when he speaks again, Remus can hear the mischievous grin in his voice.
“So what you’re telling me… Mr. Lupin.. Is that you and I… will be getting a lot of exercise in, because we have to make a baby?”
“Something like that,” Remus smiles against Sirius’ chest.
***
Remus is ok when he stops taking testosterone. He’s not too worried about the fat deposits, he’s skinny as all hell anyways, and top surgery is a thing of the past. But when his period comes back for the first time, he finds himself crying in the bathroom, until Sirius almost knocks the door down. It’s been five years, and his body still knows exactly how to betray him. The cramps keep him in bed for days, and Sirius falls straight back into their old routine, bringing him water bottles, painkillers and chocolate, as if no time had passed since their college days.
***
Sirius comes home from therapy one day, looking distressed. He’s trying to hide it, but Remus can tell from the way he’s nervously messing around with a bang of long hair, that there’s something he wants to talk about.
Pushing the issue is no use. Instead Remus makes a cup of black coffee for him, and a cup of tea for himself, offering warm drinks and biscuits in the heart of their home.
Sirius caves - like always.
“My uh… my therapist said something,” Sirius says, unprompted, once he’s seated with a cozy blanket over his legs and steaming coffee held in two hands.
“That seems to be a habit of hers,” Remus jokes, giving Sirius a half-smile.
“Well yea, she’s a chatty one,” Sirius counters with a smile that quickly falters into an awkward expression that Remus can’t quite read.
“Ok..?” Remus prompts. “What did she say now?” Sirius is looking uncharacteristically nervous.
“Well it’s about uhh. I mean, we were talking about you.. and the baby, and it just came up and she was like, uh…” Remus watches nervously as Sirius takes a sip of his coffee. “Well, she asked me if you’re planning to go off your meds if you get pregnant, and what like.. the emotional plan for that is and.. stuff.”
Oh. That question.
Remus sighs, deep and tired. “Well, the evidence is kind of inconclusive…” he begins. “It’s one of those… most likely it won’t harm your child, but we can’t say 100%, and always consult your doctor-type situations.”
“Oh, okay,” Sirius says, looking relieved. “So you can just stay on it?”
“That’s… I don’t know..” Remus says, feeling flustered. He doesn’t like the idea that he’s so reliant on these meds, that he would keep taking them, if there was even a minimal risk they could harm his baby.
Sirius puts down his coffee and gestures for Remus to scoot over. Remus obliges, practically melting into the soft blanket and Sirius’ warm embrace.
“Okay, just tell me about it, honey,” Sirius says, and Remus is so fucking grateful that Sirius always seems to know when he needs that extra bit of physical comfort.
So he tells him. About his shame, and his fear, about the big bad wolf who eats little children. And Sirius listens, like so many times before.
In the end they’re still not sure what to do, but Remus doesn’t mind, floating in and out of consciousness he thinks that no matter what - they’re going to be okay.
***
They’ve been trying for half a year, and Remus’ bleeding has always been irregular as fuck, but it’s been over two months. Remus doesn’t want to give Sirius false hope, so he does the test alone, the same way he’s gotten used to.
He’s done it several times before, and prepares himself for the mild disappointment when it’s going to come out negative. He’s absentmindedly staring at the testing kit, when he notices the stripes starting to fill out. His eyes are fixed on the strip of paper as it slowly turns pink. It’s positive.
It’s positive.
It’s… positive.
Remus is sure that this is the part where he excitedly calls Sirius, and they celebrate and rejoice, but the only thing going through Remus’ mind is blind, hot panic.
He stares at the little stripe.
He can’t be a dad.
“What HAVE you gotten yourself into,” Romulus comments. The wolf tamer's voice comes through clearly, as if reminding Remus of all the reasons why he shouldn’t be doing this. Remus can’t stop looking at the stupid stripes, he stares until it goes out of focus and the world appears hazy around him.
Sirius was right on the first go. Remus is not fit to be a dad. He’s a genetic, neurological dumping ground, and who gave him the right -
“I don’t know…” Remus whispers back to Romulus.
“What was that?” Sirius is knocking on the door, and Remus scrambles to get rid of the test.
He can still fix this.
***
“I don’t get why you would even want a child,” Regulus is saying from the living room, and Sirius laughs as if his sibling is being particularly funny. Remus clutches the handle of the tea kettle. His eyes are fixed on his knuckles as they slowly turn white.
It’s positive.
It’s positive.
It’s… positive.
“Remus?”
Remus startles and lets go of the kettle. Regulus’ voice is low, as if this moment is meant just for the two of them. Remus looks to the side, where Regulus is rummaging through the cupboards, most likely in pursuit of cocoa powder. Their tall, lanky figure is towering over Remus, whose eyes have been caught by Regulus’ cane leaning against the counter. Remus can usually tell when Regulus is having a bad pain day, but this time it seems to have escaped his mind.
“Aren’t you going to join my idiot brother in singing the praises of parenthood?” Regulus asks, their voice still quiet.
“I…” Remus starts, and he’s opening and closing his hand into a fist.
“Sirius went out to smoke,” Regulus continues, and Remus feels small and cornered.
“Remus, you are pregnant, aren’t you?”
The pit of ice in Remus’ stomach is uncurling itself, rising like bile through his throat.
“How did you know?” he asks, because lying to Regulus is useless.
“Just a hunch,” Regulus says as they pull down the jar of cocoa.
“Why are you hiding it from my brother?” they continue, as they start to measure cocoa powder out into a cup.
“I can’t… keep it,” Remus whispers, a strange pressure behind his eyes. His body feels heavy. He doesn’t notice that he’d grabbed the kettle again, until Regulus’ long fingers gently pry his hand off of it.
“That’s your choice,” Regulus says, pouring water over the cocoa powder.
For once Remus doesn’t chide them for using water in their hot cocoa.
***
He needs to get rid of it, but the thought of hurting this… this barely conceptualized notion of a child is overwhelming. Remus decides that “the evidence is inconclusive, always consult your doctor” essentially translates to “this will probably fuck up your child, but we can make an exception if you’re really crazy”.
And it’s not that bad: He was alright for years without antipsychotics, and yes, they have improved his life quality in some ways, but this… notion, this idea.. of a child… It’s important. To him, to Sirius. He can’t risk it.
Remus flushes the meds down the toilet everyday, terrified that Sirius would ask questions if he found out.
***
It’s not long before the wolf starts howling at night. Remus lies awake, listening to it.
It roars and yells and tells him about the terrible things that he doesn’t remember. He never knows if the wolf is making it all up, or if it really happened like that.
The wolf is not human, all teeth and ire and hurt, a coil of tight-wound string, ready to flee or fight or freeze at a moment’s notice.
Remus forces deep breaths down his throat, air feeling like an invasion. The wolf is howling in a thousand voices, and Remus clutches his stomach and cries. He startles when Sirius sleepily grabs his hips under the covers, and pulls him closer. Remus is lying with his back against Sirius, whose hands are running soothingly along his side. Sirius’ embrace feels warm and safe.
“What’s going on, little one?” Sirius asks. It’s impressive how he seems to always know exactly when Remus is feeling small. Remus doesn’t answer, he can’t, not right now.
“Help me get this wolf under control!” Romulus is shouting right into his ear, it’s so loud that Remus startles.
What do you want me to do? Remus thinks back. It’s positive. It’s positive, and I can’t -
“Shhh,” Sirius is saying, whispering sweet nothings into Remus’ hair while he shakes.
Sirius would be the perfect dad, and it’s positive, and Remus doesn’t know what to do. It’s positive, Remus is pregnant, with Sirius’ child , and he wants it SO MUCH -
Romulus is starting to get the Wolf under control, and the howls are turning into pitiful whimpers.
“That’s it champ! Hold onto that thought!” Romulus cheers, but Remus isn’t sure how.
He’s thinking of holding a child against his chest and keeping them safe, thinking of Sirius holding him, thinking of Sirius holding their child, and the wolf finally quiets down fully.
He knows he can’t keep it, but if pretending gets him through the night, it’s worth it.
***
“You seem to be off lately,” Sirius says in the morning, puppy eyes fixated on Remus. Many years ago he might have asked something like “have you been taking your meds?”, but he doesn’t, not now. Remus is grateful, because for once the answer is no.
“It’s that time of the year,” Remus says instead, because it is. Sirius nods solemnly. There’s a moment’s silence, then a mischievous grin lights up Sirius’ face. He waggles his eyebrows dramatically, a skill Remus always envied him for. “Are you upset because I haven’t managed to knock you up yet?”
Remus laughs despite himself, but it’s a bitter, hollow sound.
***
Remus’ sketchbook is full of doodles of a dark-haired freckled child. Remus has added Sirius to most of the pictures, and it helps, somehow that the would-be child is not alone. Once, Remus tries adding himself to a picture, but he can’t get it right, it looks all wrong, and he ends up ripping out the whole page.
It’s been two weeks, and Remus needs to act. But he can’t do it alone.
***
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME,” James yells over the phone. “THAT’S AMAZING MATE!!” Remus holds the phone at an arm’s length. James seems to be under the impression that he needs to shout loud enough for Remus to hear him without the phone line.
“Lily! LILY!” James is shouting, away from the speaker this time.
“Wait!” Remus says, but it’s too late.
“LILY, REMUS IS PREGNANT!!,,, uhh also WAIT WITH WHA-” James’ question is drowned out by a loud shriek. It pierces Remus’ ears, and WHY are the Potters all so GOD DAMN LOUD?!
It’s Harry’s happy shriek, which Remus generally adores, even if it hurts his eardrums. Right now it fills him with dread.
“That’s right, buddy, your uncles are going to have a baby!!” James' voice is excited and far away from the phone. Lily seems to have joined the merriment now, and Remus just stares at his phone.
So much for sending a discreet message to James. It’s Remus’ own damn fault for not spelling out “THIS IS A SECRET” in the message, but he had foolishly believed that the “Sirius doesn’t know” part would have given it away.
“SO HOW ARE WE TELLING SIRIUS?” James suddenly shouts directly into the phone, and Remus wants to fling the damn thing at the floor.
“We’re not,” he says quietly.
Silence.
James is having one of his characteristically long thinking pauses, and Remus can see him mentally shifting gears, as understanding clicks into place. James is autistic, not stupid.
“Is something… wrong?” he asks, and Remus knows from many years of friendship that James is tilting his head at this point.
“Can I… come over?” Remus asks, surprising himself.
***
In the end James comes to pick Remus up, maybe because Sirius is at work with the car, maybe because Remus stopped responding to him at a point and he got worried.
Remus hears the key in the door, and soon James’ always surprisingly light footsteps are approaching. When he enters the living room, James frowns at Remus who’s sitting mostly catatonic on the sofa, still holding the phone in his hand.
“You could have told me you were in trouble,” he says gently, and walks over to the sofa. Remus nods, and James gives him one of his brilliant lopsided smiles.
“You’re a stubborn fellow, Remus Lupin,” James says, and plops down on the sofa next to Remus. “Care to tell me why we’re not sharing this tidbit of information with Sirius?”
Remus realizes that they’re both moving slightly, a gentle wave back and forth. The motion brings some much needed relief to Remus’ stiff joints.
“I don’t think I should be having a child…” Remus mumbles. “Not sure about a child in general, but I definitely shouldn’t be having a biological child..”
“Okay…” James says, tilting his head again. “Why not?”
Remus scoffs. “It would clearly be irresponsible.” James allows the silence to stretch between them, seemingly unbothered by it.
“I mean! I’m a disaster!” Remus continues finally, desperate to fill the silence. “I thought my classmates were gonna kill me, and I was walking with a crutch more days than not, before I was ten! I don’t know what I was thinking!”
The silence feels like it’s mocking him, and it’s a relief when James finally speaks.
“You know,” James says in an odd tight voice. “I used to be a bully.”
Remus isn’t sure where James is going. He knows that James and Sirius used to terrorize the whole school yard, and so what?
“Me and Sirius both. Sirius.. well, he had a fucked up home life, you know. It’s different, but.. I was just fucking around. I didn’t understand that we were really hurting the other kids, I was bored and…” James sighs.
“My point is that when Harry was conceived I was so afraid he was going to become a bully… I mean, I was… terrified that he was going to become like me ”.
“And he did become like you,” Remus says, exasperated. “He’s just as, if not more, autistic and..”
James cuts him off. “No he’s not. He’s not like me.”
Remus is waving dramatically back and forth now, but he can’t quite stop himself.
“He’s his own, and he’s… so gentle,” James is saying.
“I wasn’t a bully because I'm autistic or because I have ADHD, you know.”
“I know,” Remus admits.
“My point is… When Harry was born, and I held him in my arms, and he was so fucking tiny, that’s when I knew that he was his own man. That’s when I knew that… whatever hardships, and whatever lessons he was going to learn in life.. His life was his own. Just like my life is mine, and your life is yours.”
“But life is painful,” Remus counters. He’s stopped rocking back and forth, and he’s facing James now.
“Life is many things,” James says, looking at Remus with a quiet understanding.
Remus swallows.
“I wish I could keep it,” he says finally. “I want them in my life. I want to get to know them, I want to teach them all that I know and love them and cherish them..” and Remus feels on the verge of something. He’s not sure if it’s an epiphany or if it’s a breakdown.
“Why don’t you?”
“I don’t deserve it,” Remus finally admits, to himself as much as to James. “It’s selfish and stupid and just because it would make me happy, it doesn’t make it right, I mean..” his hand has come unfrozen, and he takes the opportunity to frustratedly run it through his hair. “I mean, I mean I have to - I don’t - it’s not… I’m not fit to be a parent and everyone knows it.”
James stares at Remus and Remus stares at James.
“Are you hearing yourself, dude?” James asks and Remus feels oddly exposed. “Literally what are you on about?”
“No like… everyone’s probably talking about how it’s such a shame, and poor Sirius stuck with Remus, and..”
“Literally no,” James stops him. “Mate. Mate. You’re delusional.” Remus goes pale.
“No no,” James hastily adds. “Not like that, I don’t think. I don’t know. But I mean.. We’re all rooting for you, you know?”
Remus is looking at his hands without saying anything. James sighs and seems to be thinking for a moment before he continues. “Do you really think that Lily would have kept her mouth shut if she thought the two of you were making a mistake?”
Remus tries to think of a time when Lily has ever kept her mouth shut, but comes up short. It’s a surprisingly convincing argument.
“All I’m saying is.. If you don’t want a child, if you genuinely think you can’t care for a child, or even just carry it to term, by all means, you shouldn’t keep it, but…”
“… but that’s not it,” Remus ends his sentence for him.
That’s not it at all.
***
In the end, Remus doesn’t get to tell Sirius himself. Sirius comes over to pick Remus up at the Potter’s, and before anyone has a chance to say anything, Harry spills the beans. Loudly, proudly, followed by an excited shriek.
“Remus is what ?” Sirius says, his eyes growing wide as they settle on his partner.
Remus chews on his lip, but he doesn’t look away.
“Yeah uh. It’s positive,” he says. “I mean. I’m, we’re…”
“I’M GET A COUSIN!!!” Harry yells excitedly, tugging at Sirius’ sleeve. “Cousin! cousin! cousin!”
Sirius looks dazed.
“Is that why…” he begins, then stops himself. “Oh my god. I mean. Oh my God.” his eyes light up, and he strides over to Remus and very gently shakes him, as he stares excitedly into his eyes.
“Oh. My. God.”
***
When they’re finally back home in their own flat, they hold each other for a long time.
“You never asked me why I was scared,” Sirius says.
“And I never realized that I was scared, too.” Remus responds. “For two fully-grown men… we’re kind of stupid.”
“Nah, that comes with the territory,” Sirius counters, cuddling up to Remus. “Emotional constipation is the name of the game.”
Remus runs his hand through his partner’s long hair. “Does it have to be, though?” he asks. “I mean… I’m sorry I didn’t ask, I guess… I was afraid to find something I didn’t like, or… I don’t know..”
“It’s ok.”
“So.. why were you scared?” Remus asks, a couple months too late. Sirius is silent for a while, though his even breathing tells Remus that he’s not panicking - just thinking.
“Remember when the two of us first started dating?” he asks finally, and Remus nods in acknowledgement.
“It was.. messy,” Sirius says, and Remus tries to remember. It’s been a long time, and he doesn’t have a memory for trauma, not the way Sirius does.
“I mean, it’s to be expected, right?” Remus tries. “Throw the psychotic kid and the borderline kid into a relationship.. There’s bound to be some hiccups?” Sirius doesn’t answer for a while, but he sighs, deep and long. Remus pulls him closer, hoping to protect him from whatever is going on in his head. Sirius melts into his arms.
“I guess… I never thought I was fit to be in a relationship, you know?” Sirius says finally. “And in the same way I never felt like I was fit to be a dad.”
“But you clearly.. are fit to be with me,” Remus tries. “I mean, nothing makes me happier than the two of us being together.”
“I… I know that now,” Sirius says. “But in the beginning… I dunno… I was always trying to push you away, and push your buttons, and…”
“Of course you were,” Remus says, trying to convey all his love through his tone. “Honey, you were… fucking traumatized, you know?” Remus moves his hand gently back and forth on Sirius’ back.
“So were you,” Sirius says, muffled against Remus’ chest. “And yet you didn’t behave like a lovesick arsehole.”
“It’s not the same,” Remus says gently. He knows that Sirius knows. Knows about the relational trauma, and the marks in his personality and outlook on people and life. He also knows that Sirius has been working damn fucking hard on his issues in therapy, for well over a decade, and that he’s doing so much better.
“Sometimes I just… I wonder if I’m capable of loving someone.. without inevitably hurting them,” Sirius says, and Remus realizes that he’s stayed silent for too long.
“I… respect that you feel that way,” Remus says carefully. “But it’s still clearly bullshit. You’re not hurting anyone, not me, not the Potters, not Reggie or Peter or…”
“But what if,” Sirius says. “What if I’m destined to be like my parents..”
“Well first off, it’s debatable if they even loved you guys, but secondly…” Remus takes a deep breath to steady himself. “Secondly, there’s NO WAY you’d ever abuse a child, much less your own!”
“I used to bully younger children,” Sirius counters, and he’s starting to pull away from Remus’ embrace. Remus is having none of that, and holds onto his boyfriend for dear life. “Nu-uh!” Remus says, and Sirius settles down. “Allow me to love you, baby,” Remus says, and pushes himself down into the bed so their heads are level, and he can see Sirius’ expression.
“I’m not going to lie to you,” Remus says, keeping a rare moment of eye contact with his lover. “You did some fucked up stuff when you were younger.” Sirius casts his eyes away, breaking eye contact. Shame. Remus is having none of it.
“But Sirius… fucking hell, it’s. You were acting out, and it’s... not an excuse but it’s an explanation, and you fucking owned up to that shit, ok?” Remus presses his forehead against Sirius’.
“What matters is that you know it was wrong and that you wouldn’t do it again… haven’t done it again… okay?” Sirius starts to move, and for a second Remus thinks he’s going to pull away. Instead he’s leaning forward, catching Remus’ lips by surprise. The kiss is desperate and full of emotion, an unspoken urgency to seal the bond between them. When Sirius pulls away, Remus is panting, and Sirius is grinning.
“You sound just like my therapist, you know,” Sirius laughs.
“You can’t kiss a man.. like that , and then… say that ,” Remus complains half-heartedly.
“Well clearly I can,” Sirius says, and Remus rolls his eyes.
“Are you trying to distract me from an actual emotional moment again?” Remus asks, and Sirius shrugs, but his smile doesn’t falter.
“Well it’s more like… That’s the emotion, and it sucks, but… I know it’s just that. An emotion.” Remus breathes a sigh of relief.
“So you’re scared but.. you know you don’t have to be?” Remus asks. Sirius nods.
“And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen,” Romulus comments. The suddenness makes Remus jump. “What, did you forget about me?”
Remus ignores the wolftamer for now, but Sirius is looking at him with questions in his eyes. Remus silently shakes his head, as if to say ‘I don’t wanna talk about it right now’, and Sirius nods. Instead he pulls Remus into another kiss, and before long Remus is thoroughly, pleasantly, distracted.
***
Remus is past the point of no return, and even though he can now confidently say that he wants to keep his baby, he’s freaking out.
Lily takes one look at him, as he stumbles through the doorway to their house, before she goes into mommy mode.
Remus allows her to guide him over to the couch and wrap him in a blanket.
“Just a minute,” she says, disappearing into the kitchen, and Remus tries not to panic before she returns with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. There’s marshmallows in Remus’ hot chocolate, and he almost starts crying. Damn hormones.
“So… what IS going on?” Lily asks, fixing her eerily green eyes on him. Remus tries to look anywhere but her eyes, his gaze falling on the short and curly red hair, then the freckles on her nose and her thin lips curled into a smile around a slightly crooked set of teeth.
“Ehm…” Remus says. “Well.”
“Well?” Lily asks. Remus is - not for the first time- reminded that Lily used be a bouncer at a gay bar. He wonders if that’s how she broke her nose, gallantly fighting a homophobic ‘customer’?
“Well that’s not the topic at hand at all!” Romulus complains, silently threatening to let the wolf loose if Remus doesn’t start speaking.
God, why is everyone so damn pushy? Give a man a break! He’s pregnant, for god’s sake!
“Uh.. Remus?” Lily is cocking her head to the side. “You ok?”
“I’m pregnant!!” Remus exclaims. “There’s a …. human… growing inside of me!!” he shakes his head vigorously. “It’s gonna be a human, Lily!! And it’s currently growing. Inside. Of me.”
Lily lifts an eyebrow, looking less than impressed.
“I should think you were already aware of this,” she says. “Is it a problem?”
Remus throws his hands up in the air, and shakes his head, but his panicked heartbeat is telling a different story.
“I don’t know! It’s just… It’s.. I didn’t think I was going to… I don’t know…” he finishes lamely, grabbing for the mug with chocolate milk to hide behind.
“Let me share a piece of wisdom with you, Lupin,” Lily says. “No one really wants to be pregnant, but some people want children, so we make do.” Remus furrows his brows.
“But.. I thought..” he begins, but he’s not sure what he thought.
“Okay to be fair, I can’t speak for everyone.. might be a few crazies out there who.. no offense, Remus.. who actually enjoys pregnancy and child-birth but I sure as hell ain’t one of them.”
“Oh,” Remus says, looking fully at Lily now.
“I mean… Hell no,” Lily says. “I used to think I’d get with some cute chick and kinda outsource that business, but…” she shrugs. “Love works in mysterious ways.”
“So…” Remus says, and he already knows the answer, but he asks anyway. “Was it worth it?”
“Yes,” Lily answers simply.
Remus nods silently, and slurps his chocolate milk. It’s sweet and it warms him from the inside out.
***
“I stopped taking my meds,” Remus says one morning, as he’s about to flush it out the toilet. He’s not sure why he kept up the lie this long, but it never came up, and his ears burn with shame now that he’s bringing it up. He’s not sure if Sirius heard him, before he appears in the doorway to the bathroom.
“Yeah, I know,” Sirius says as if it’s not a big deal.
“I’m sorry,” Remus is looking at Sirius through the mirror, unable to turn around and face him for real.
“Remus… It’s your body.. It’s your mind,” Sirius says gently. “I don’t like it when you suffer, but… It’s not that simple either, is it?”
Remus is frozen in place, while Sirius is approaching him carefully. Remus stares at Sirius through the mirror, until he feels his arms wrap around him. Remus closes his eyes, only then allowing himself to believe that Sirius is really there. Things have been confusing lately, as dreams slip into reality, a fluid string of anti-reality threading itself through his daily life.
At the same time.. at the same time, he hasn’t felt this alive.. hasn’t had this much emotion or energy in… years.
“It’s unfair,” Remus says finally. Because it is. There’s nothing fair about having to choose between constant sedation, or the kind of mind-numbing fear and confusion that is his everyday life without the meds.
“I know,” Sirius says, hugging him tighter. “Thank you for telling me Remus. Thank you for trusting me with this.”
***
Remus watches Harry sometimes while the others are at work. Harry is struggling to adjust to kindergarten-life, and seems to cherish these quiet days, where the only person he has to answer to is his uncle. Remus makes no secret of how much he enjoys the opportunity to connect with the child either, even as he increasingly struggles to move around the apartment. Harry doesn’t seem to mind, happily running several rounds for every painstaking step of Remus’.
More often than not, Remus will get stuck in bed, and Harry will be right there with him, doodling or telling stories, his little eyes lighting up every time he gets a smile out of Remus.
“Paper!” Harry exclaims one such lazy afternoon after a long stretch of silence.
“Paper!” Harry exclaims again, and Remus can tell from his tone that he’s no longer looking for paper - he found it. Harry determinedly crawls halfway under the bed, and Remus suddenly sees a point dusting off there.
The little boy emerges victorious soon after, clutching a ripped-out page of a sketchbook. Remus looks at Harry and Harry looks at the drawing.
“Oh! Uncle Sirius!” Harry says, recognizing Remus’ doodle for what it is. “And baby cousin!” Harry looks confusedly from the paper to Remus and back at the paper. Remus doesn’t say anything, but he remembers the drawing. Sirius with the dark-haired freckled child ..and the wiped out silhouette of would-be-Remus. Harry picks up a pencil, and Remus watches in awe as he does what Remus never seemed able to do: A smiling head, a scar for identification and two comically long arms to embrace his family.
“Kid’s a genius,” Romulus comments.
“Are you sad?” Harry asks. He’s tilting his head just like his father. That’s when Remus realizes he has tears rolling down his face.
“No,” he says, smiling through tears, warm and bright and hopeful.
“No, I’m not sad at all.”