Work Text:
Council of Colins
Saturday, 26/5/2022, 8:52 a.m.
phone of Colin Bridgerton
Canon: We need to meet.
Scarred For Life: Why is your first instinct always to call for a meeting? You know how hard that is.
Time Loop: There is the whole multiverse mess, not to mention that some of us have better things to do
Sad Colin: We all know you're talking about Penelope
Canon: We need to focus! God. Why are so many of you idiots?
Scarred For Life: I’ll have you know I can speak seven languages.
Sir Colin: I don’t think I’m an idiot.
Canon: I would be shocked if any of you would admit to being an idiot
Time Loop: You say we are fools, but we get to wake up every morning with Penelope in our arms
Scarred For Life: Not all of us
Smug Colin: Serves you right for sending thirst traps and then not following up
Canon: You’ve all acted like complete morons. Honestly I’m beginning to think that the Penelopes deserve better.
Barrington: I run a hit show. Could I do that if I were stupid?
Smug Colin: Doesn’t Pen run the show?
Barrington: We do it together.
Smug Colin: If you say so
Barrington: She couldn’t do it without me
Smug Colin: Of course
Barrington: She couldn’t!
Canon: Right. We all believe you
Barrington: Is that sarcasm?
Canon: If you need to ask…
Time Loop: I’ve read almost all Neil deGrasse Tyson’s books on time theory. And I mostly understood them.
Canon: I don’t know who that is. But don’t tell me. I don’t really care. We have more important things to discuss.
Show Bro: Could an idiot have single-handedly foiled a plot to swindle the fortunes of many members of the Ton, thereby exposing the culprit and protecting the Featherington women? I think not.
Canon: YOU are the reason we need to meet, you imbecile.
Show Bro: Me? Why would we need to meet about me?
Canon: I think you know
Show Bro: I do not know.
Show Bro: Is it because you are jealous?
Show Bro: I am more agreeable than you and have less of a temper.
Canon: Jealous? Of you?!?
Scarred For Life: You are the most jealous of all of us.
Canon: Me? No. Look in the mirror.
The Professor: I love mirrors
Time Loop: 💯 and windows
Smug Colin: I plan to have a mirror in every room of the house.
Canon: Yes, yes. We all love mirrors.
Sir Colin: We do? Why?
Canon: Back to the point
Scarred For Life: About how you are the most jealous?
Sir Colin: Why do we like mirrors again?
Time Loop: Oh you sweet summer child
Canon: I am not. How can you say that I am the most jealous when Tempting Scandal flies off the handle when another man so much as looks at Penelope?
Scarred For Life: That’s a fair point
The Professor: Excuse me? I am not envious. I am merely concerned about my dear friend’s welfare.
Smug Colin: Here we go again
The Professor: She is troubled by them. I am merely acting in her best interests.
Show Bro: Well, I think that settles it.
Show Bro: I am not the most jealous. I am not jealous at all.
Sir Colin: Well…
The Professor: Well what?
Sir Colin: There is the whole Marina thing
Canon: Yes! Another problem!
Show Bro: I thought we settled this already. I do not create my fate, I merely act upon it.
Canon: It is your fault that people doubt the brilliance of my wife
Barrington: He's got you there
Canon: All these people are complaining about her now.
Canon: No one complained about her when they read the books. They knew how amazing and wonderful she is
Sir Colin: Still wondering why we like mirrors so much. Is it to check our hair?
Scarred For Life: Everyone except you?
Canon: I realised it first! Just because it took me a moment doesn't mean that I wasn't the first
Sad Colin: 12 years isn't a moment. That's over a decade
Show Bro: It took you 12 years to become friends with Pen. It took me one season.
The Professor: You are a bit slow on the uptake
Sir Colin: So no one is going to tell me?
Canon: Look who is talking! Have you even realised you are in love with Pen?
Scarred For Life: No, they are "dear friends" LMAO
The Professor: At least I didn't run away from her like some people.
Scarred For Life: I had to process!
Time Loop: You did ghost her first
Scarred For Life: And let me remind you that it only took me a few weeks before I figured out I was in love with her.
Wolfy Colin: A few weeks after 12 years of knowing her…
Scarred For Life: You can’t even figure out it’s her smell that’s making you pass out and go into your trance or whatever
Wolfy Colin: It’s not a trance. It’s out-of-cycle rutting, but Anthony and Benedict are wrong. There’s no way that can be happening.
Sad Colin: It’s happening and you can’t even see it
Wolfy Colin: No, I would know.
Canon: Would you though? Would you really?
Wolfy Colin: Of course I would. I’m not an imbecile
Smug Colin: You smell it when Penelope is near
Wolfy Colin: I don’t always smell the scent when I’m near her. How do you explain that?
Scarred For Life: She’s got perfume or whatever on
Time Loop: Suppressants
Barrington: Scent blocker
Wolfy Colin: I should think I would know
Canon: I think we have established very few of you know anything
Smug Colin: Don’t lump me in with the rest of them
Time Loop: Or me
Sad Colin: Didn’t it take you 12 years worth of Valentine’s Days on top of 12 years of friendship before you figured it out?
Time Loop: This isn’t about me!
Canon: That's right.
Canon: It's about the fool who told a group of gobble cocks that he would not court Penelope, not in their wildest fantasies.
Barrington: Gobble what now?
Show Bro: Is that what this whole thing is about?
Show Bro: You want to merge timelines briefly because of something I said at a party?
Canon: It’s the way you said it
Smug Colin: Right after you told her how special she was to you. That’s not cool man.
Show Bro: She is special. She is my friend.
Sad Colin: Now you are sounding like Tempting Scandal.
The Professor: Please don't compare us. We are nothing alike.
Show Bro: I see no problem. I was speaking with a group of gentlemen.
Canon: Cackling like a gossipy group of old witches. Not what I would call gentlemanly behaviour
Scarred For Life: *cough* fuck bois
Smug Colin: 👆This
Show Bro: I don't know what that means
Barrington: It means you’re all idiots
Scarred For Life: It means a group of useless wankers who have no brain function other than those needed to fuck or be a misogynist
Show Bro: What's a misogynist?
Scarred For Life: Lord give me strength
Smug Colin: Ask Eloise, she’ll explain it to you
Canon: While it has been fun to educate you, lord knows you need it, we need to return to the task at hand.
Canon: You, Show Colin, are a cad of the highest order. We need to schedule a hearing
Sir Colin: A hearing?
The Professor: Is an in-person meeting really necessary?
Canon: It absolutely is! How will we have a hearing if we don't meet in person?
Sir Colin: It's just I have to get Princess Penelope to King Nigel…
Canon: We've spoken about this. You are not to give Penelope to Nigel. You are to propose and make her yours.
Sir Colin: But she's a princess and I'm just a farmer. Plus I have to worry about Benedict.
Canon: Fine. Ignore my excellent advice. When shall we meet?
Sad Colin: It’s not really a good time for me. I’m about to have an important conversation
Time Loop: I don't think I could fit in an entire trial and vote. I am busy for the foreseeable future with Penelope.
Show Bro: This really is preposterous.
Barrington: And some of us have work as well. We all can't sit around and travel.
Time Loop: Yeah Barrington won’t write itself. Thanks for that one by the way, Pen loves it, if you know what I mean 😉
The Professor: I have a proposal to work on. My Penelope needs me now. I cannot abandon my dearest friend in her time of need. Whispers: She is with child.
Sad Colin: Mine, too. I really need to get back to that conversation…
Scarred For Life: You don’t have to whisper. It’s not like someone can overhear you.
Wolfy Colin: I also must speak with Penelope. She’s the one who was around me when I passed out.
Canon: Really? Really?
Wolfy Colin: But I do
Canon: After all that?
Canon: I cannot. I just cannot.
Scarred For Life: You think you all have problems?
Scarred For Life: My Penelope is sleeping with Gregory. Gregory!
Barrington: 🤢
Canon: But he's basically an infant
Show Bro: He is an infant
Barrington: 👶 🍼
Smug Colin: How did you let that happen?!
Scarred For Life: He's 24 and he's causing lots of problems. I don't have time for a council meeting.
Canon: You make time! Do you know what will happen if we allow this to stand? Fans will grow restless. They will create other universes.
Sir Colin: Well that's how most of us got here.
Canon: Universes where Pen isn't with us.
Canon: Universes where she ends up with Anthony
The Professor: gasp
Canon: Or Benedict
The Professor: gasp
Canon: Or Gregory
Scarred For Life: Damn
Canon: Or, worst of all, Michael
Barrington: I hate that guy
Canon: I even heard whispers about a marquess and several different lords, all with designs on our Pen. Some are even… MARRIED to her.
Time Loop: No, no
Barrington: Hell naw
Smug Colin: Who would do such a thing?
Canon: We cannot allow more universes to take shape where Colins don't end up with Penelopes. And the longer we allow Show Colin to parade his idiocy around the more likely we will end up with variations of Colin that have never known love with Penelope.
Barrington: 🎤 ⬇️
Show Bro: You can't blame me for all that.
Canon: I can and I do.
Canon: The fics started springing up like wildflowers as soon as you appeared
Show Bro: Before I appeared there weren’t many fics. You are all welcome. Because I exist, so do most of you.
Smug Colin: I hate to admit it, but he’s got a point
Canon: No
Canon: Because I exist so do ALL of you
Canon: You are welcome, Mr. Show.
Show Bro: You are ignoring my point
Canon: No
Canon: You are ignoring mine
Time Loop:
Barrington: No one can ignore yours. You keep bringing it up.
Canon: Did you not hear about the other universes where Colin and Penelope don’t end up together?
Canon: Someone has to take this seriously.
Canon: Not only did Show Colin allow Benedict to steal all of our charm, our cheekiness, our emotional intelligence, our actual intelligence, our favourite sister
Canon: He disrespected Penelope
Canon: Penelope!
Show Bro: You conveniently overlook your own misdeeds. You've said and done some asinine things. You all have, in fact.
Show Bro: Tempting Scandal, you repeatedly call Penelope “darling” and “wife” whilst also claiming she is just a “dear friend.”
The Professor: Yes well, she is a darling friend
Show Bro: Not to mention that you ruin her and continue to lie with her even though you are not married
Time Loop: Not that anyone can blame you for that 😏
The Professor: I am trying to marry her! And if anyone should touch Penelope it should be me and me alone.
Canon: Agreed. Penelope is mine
Canon: Ours
Canon: You know what I mean
Show Bro: Barrington, you accused her of having a sexual relationship with Michael and implied she was not acting professionally.
Barrington: Don’t remind me
Show Bro: Alpha Colin, you snapped at your Penelope so many times she doesn’t even think you like her
Wolfy Colin: No, that can’t be right. She knows we are friends
Show Bro: Valentine's Colin, how many times did your Penelope strike you or allow another man to court her because of the careless things you did or said?
Time Loop: I was stuck for years. It’s basic probability that I would upset her occasionally
Canon: “Occasionally”
Time Loop: 😒
Show Bro: Of course, the first sign of something difficult in his new relationship with Penelope and Landslide just runs off.
Sad Colin: I had just found out that she had been lying to me for months
Sad Colin: And I came back
Smug Colin: He’s already got enough on his plate. Leave Landslide alone.
Show Bro: And you, Gift, secretly ferreted away a picture of her in your mobile device to use for your own pleasure
Smug Colin: I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Smug Colin: Is that a bad thing?
Scarred For Life: Not in my book
Show Bro: And I am accused of horrid behaviour, but you, Red Pen, ignored her repeated worried written correspondence causing her to become distraught. Then you did not respond even when you knew she was worried about your welfare.
Scarred For Life: We’ve already talked about this ad nauseum. No need to dredge it all up again.
Show Bro: And Quest Colin, you
Sir Colin: Yes?
Show Bro: Well, you
Canon: Yes, what has he done equal to your idiocy?
Show Bro: You got upset she helped you fight those pirates
Canon: Wow. Is that all you could come up with?
Show Bro: He is rather… innocent.
Sir Colin: I am not innocent. I am honourable. There is a difference.
Canon: He wouldn’t know about being honourable
Show Bro: Do you think you do? Did you not take your Penelope before you were married?
Canon: That wasn’t dishonourable. It was the greatest of honours to show Penelope how truly desirable she is. Anyone with a brain knows that.
The Professor: And they were betrothed
Show Bro: The rest of you will say anything to excuse your ungentlemanly behaviour
Show Bro: And my original point still stands
Canon: All our faults, which you have laid out, do not compare to what you said.
Show Bro: HA! Canon, you yourself said you would never marry her.
Canon: It was a completely different situation! It was to my brothers after our mother had been nagging me to get married and they wouldn't let it go. And I felt awful about it. I still feel awful about it. I know my Pen loves me, but you have no idea how much I worry if she truly knows how much simply because of the stupid thing I said ONE TIME
Canon: You said and did so many stupid things.
Canon: One, Marina
Canon: Two, Marina
Canon: Three, Marina
Scarred For Life: We get it. We all hated that plot line.
Barrington: Well, some of us did date before marriage. So, while it wasn't my favourite plotline, I found it relatable.
Show Bro: Again, I don't choose my own fate, it is scripted for me.
Canon: Four, "You don't count, Pen."
Smug Colin: That was pretty brutal.
Show Bro: I meant it in a nice way. She is my friend, not like other women.
Sad Colin: But to her it sounded like "you are not a woman, you're just my pal."
The Professor: She can be a woman and a dear friend.
Canon: 🤦
Canon: don’t get me started on your dear friend nonsense
Time Loop: How hard is it to fuck Pen? I'm ready if you're not up to the task. Just the tip? Come on man!
The Professor: I defy any of you to show the stamina and restraint I did with just the tip!
Smug Colin: I don't get the restraint. Why ever restrain yourself with Penelope? It's Pen. She fits so perfectly and feels so good
Canon: We are getting away from the point
Sir Colin: She is quite soft and warm
Wolfy Colin: And curvy
Scarred For Life: The way she fills out a top
Canon: I think I'm point 5. Point 5, going to see Marina
Canon: And pining for her
Canon: And having to be told by her that Pen cares for you because you are so damn blind
Show Bro: I care for Penelope. She is important to me, but I have sworn off women.
Time Loop: She is not just a woman, she is Penelope
Show Bro: That was my point exactly!
Smug Colin: Not what you said
Scarred For Life: You said she didn’t count
Canon: And then you said all of these confusing things like “you will never forsake me” and “you are special to me” and “I will always protect you”
Show Bro: And what is wrong with that? Those are nice things.
Time Loop: Which you said after telling her she didn’t count
Show Bro: That’s not the way I meant it. Pen knows how I meant it. She understands me. She knows I care for her.
Canon: Yes, you said as much.
Show Bro: I did and I meant it. I will always protect her.
Canon: Yes, I can see how you protected her WHEN YOU LAUGHED ABOUT THE IDEA OF COURTING HER IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE TON
Show Bro: I wasn’t laughing about idea of courting her
Canon: No? If I recall you tell them you’d never court her and then you and your cronies proceeded to titter and snigger
Canon: If you weren’t laughing at the idea of courting her, what were you laughing at?
Barrington: 👀
Show Bro: I was laughing at the idea they thought I was courting her
Canon: You’re right. That’s so much better.
Show Bro: But I’m not courting her
Sad Colin: And you never will, not in your wildest fantasies
Smug Colin: I could tell you a thing or two about fantasies
Time Loop: same 🙌
Scarred For Life: SAME
Canon: The only fantasy we should be entertaining is how we can clone me and replace Show Colin with my clone so all of this can be resolved.
Canon: Can they clone people in your universe, Valentine’s?
Time Loop: Sheep yes, people not yet.
Barrington: I’m a little worried about how ready Canon is to replace Show with another version of himself. Anyone else think that’s kind of creepy?
Canon: Please. You wish you thought of it.
Show Bro: No one is replacing me with their clone
Show Bro: Whatever that is
Canon: A clone is a copy of something. In this case a copy of me, a man who loves and respects Penelope would replace you, a man who treats her like she is someone to be maligned and pitied.
Show Bro: I am starting to get offended. I haven’t maligned Pen.
Canon: HA!
Show Bro: I greatly respect Penelope.
Canon: You certainly have a humorous way of showing your respect.
Wolfy Colin: You respect her and what else?
Show Bro: We’ve been over this, she’s my friend. I feel about her as a friend would. Why can’t people understand that?
Time Loop: Sure, tell your eyes that you’re “just friends” then 😍
Me: I cannot continue to sit idly by and allow this conversation to continue in this rambling manner. I was intent on letting you all squabble as you so often wont to do, but I feel I need to intervene.
Me: Show Colin, please explain 3 things to me.
Me: One- Why do you think it’s acceptable to go to a married lady's house to enquire about your failed engagement? A man is defined by his actions and yours were unbecoming of a gentleman. I shudder to think what Anthony would say.
Me: Two- Do you realise how insulting your words sounded to our shy and sensitive friend who has known nothing but negligence and rejection from society?
Me: Three- Why would you stain the Bridgerton name so thoroughly by engaging in the juvenile behaviour of your peers. Solely for what? Acceptance? A laugh? I assure you, had you remained by Penelope’s side you would not have lacked either.
Show Colin: So what you are all saying is that my actions are beyond redemption? Do I not deserve my chance at a happy ending, whatever that might be?
Barrington: I’ve been thinking
Canon: Sounds dangerous
Barrington: 🤨
Barrington: As I was saying, I think Show Colin is right. We all had our time to act like idiots and fuck shit up with Pen and then fix it. He should have the same chance.
Canon: You must be joking
Scarred For Life: I don’t want to agree with you, but I did fuck up. And if you didn’t let me fix it I don’t know what I would do.
Time Loop: I hate to imagine where I’d be if I hadn’t been given the opportunity to correct my mistakes.
Sir Colin: We all deserve the chance to do the right thing
Me: Even if he has said unspeakable things, he is young. We do not know who he will become. He might surprise us all, learn his lesson, and correct his mistakes. If he humbles himself and works for her forgiveness, he might even become worthy of the privilege of Penelope’s affections.
Canon: I cannot believe you’re all on his side!
Me: Never. As always, we are on Penelope’s side. She deserves his attrition.
Smug Colin: Look Show, what we need from you is some assurance about how you’re going to fix this mess. It won’t be enough to use the puppy dog eyes this time.
Show Bro: How am I to apologise to Penelope for something she wasn’t even privy to?
Canon: God, you are even more of a fool than I thought
Show Bro: What do you mean?
Barrington: She heard you bro
Barrington: You really fucked up with this one
Show Bro: How could she hear me? She wasn’t even there
Sir Colin: She was behind a column
Show Bro: No
Canon: Yes
Show Bro: I did not realise
Canon: Didn’t you?
Show Bro: What must she think of me?
Show Bro: I should apologise at once.
Time Loop: Okay, I think he gets the message. Can the council meeting be called off now?
Me: Since we have assurance he will rectify the situation, of course
Barrington: Yes
Smug Colin: Seconded
The Professor: I see no reason to meet
Sir Colin: Aye
Wolfy Colin: Indeed
Canon: Fine.
Canon: You win.
Canon: But Show Colin keep in mind if you don’t get it together Penelope will not be your friend any more.
Canon: And I heard she might end up with Fife.
Canon: Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go bed my wife
Show Bro: What? Fife!
Smug Colin: Sounds like an excellent plan
Show Bro: But he is a knave!
Time Loop: Agreed, laters.
Show Bro: Where did you hear such a thing?
Wolfy Colin: I smell bright citrus and peach
Wolfy Colin: I must leave
Sir Colin: I bid you all adieu
Show Bro: Hello?
Sad Colin: Wish me luck
Scarred for Life: If you get some, send a little my way
Show Bro: Is anyone listening to me?
Me: What a waste of the precious time I have with my Penelope.
Show Bro: You are all the worst