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Yaz probably thought she was being discreet, but Dan knows his friend well enough to see through the act.
He gave them their space on the beach. They needed to have a conversation, because Dan couldn’t take anymore of the yearning looks and obliviousness from either of them. He hoped that once they had a moment to talk, it would resolve this tension he had been dealing with for far too long.
But when Yaz turned around, he caught a glimpse of the darkness on her face before she pulled her lips into an empty smile with nothing behind it. There was a distant look in her eyes and Dan knew immediately that she was hurting. The question was, why?
The Doctor was in love with Yaz. It was obvious, except perhaps to Yaz herself. But Dan could see the way the Doctor gazed at Yaz when Yaz wasn’t looking, the way she put Yaz before everyone else, even herself. And the Doctor’s silence when he confronted her on New Year’s spoke volumes. If they had feelings for each other, then why did they both return to the TARDIS looking like they would rather be anywhere else?
It wasn’t until later that night when they were deep into the time vortex and everyone who slept on a regular basis should be asleep, that Dan heard the sound of quiet sobs coming from Yaz’s bedroom as he searched for the bathroom. He paused just outside her door, and listening to her cry made his heart hurt. Yaz was his best friend and, much like the Doctor, Dan would do anything for her. Four years marooned in the past can forge quite the friendship, and he would go to great lengths to protect her from anything, or anyone, that hurt her. Including the Doctor herself.
Dan knocked softly at Yaz’s bedroom door.
Immediately, the room grew quiet, but there was no response. Dan waited a moment, then knocked again.
“What is it?” Yaz’s voice was gruff, and if he hadn’t heard her crying already, he would have figured it out anyway.
Dan pushed the door open, just a bit, and saw Yaz sitting cross legged on her bed, hugging a pillow to her chest with a dark stain on it. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hair was a mess, and when she looked up at Dan, her bottom lip quivered.
“You alright, Sheffield?”
Yaz opened her mouth, probably ready to deny that anything was wrong, but no words came out. She closed her lips, cast her eyes down, and slowly shook her head.
Immediately, Dan was at her side, the door falling shut behind him. He sat next to her and she instinctively leaned into him, burying her face in his chest, and burst into sobs again. Dan put an arm around her and held her close while she cried. He didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t try to calm her down or cheer her up, he just held her and gave her the space and time she needed until she was ready.
Eventually the tears subsided and her shaky breath began to relax. Dan carded his fingers through her hair and kissed the top of her head.
“What happened?” he asked. Yaz only shook her head. “Talk to me.”
“It hurts, Dan,” Yaz whispered eventually. “I love her so much it hurts.”
Dan’s brow furrowed in upset. He pursed his lips, biting his tongue to think about his words before he said something stupid to make this even worse. Deep down, he knew this was about the Doctor, but hearing it from her lips made him angry.
“What did she say to you?”
Yaz was quiet for a moment. “I—I think she loves me.”
Dan frowned. Now he was even more confused. “What exactly did she say?”
Yaz sighed as she sat upright, pulling herself out of Dan’s embrace, putting a distance between them like a brick wall. She looked down at her lap where her hands were folded together and began to pick at her nails, a nervous habit that Dan had noticed many times over the years. He reached out and placed a hand on top of hers, stilling her movements. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes, but then nervously averted her gaze again.
“She said I’m one of the greatest people she’s ever known,” Yaz muttered. “She said if it was going to be anyone it would be me. And she said… she said she can’t.”
“Why?”
Yaz shrugged, dismissive, but when Dan didn’t press to fill the silence, she carried on. “I don’t know a lot about her past. She had a wife I think she lost. I met an old friend of hers once, Jack. He lost her too for a while. And he mentioned someone else. Rose.” Yaz let out a sigh and that distant look in her eyes was back. “I think the Doctor has loved and lost more than I can even imagine, and she just doesn’t want it to hurt again.”
Yaz looked up at Dan, her eyes glistening with tears. Dan gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, and she squeezed back, but didn’t loosen her grip. Her fingernails dug into the palm of his hand as another tear spilled down her cheek.
“But it already hurts, Dan. I’m trying to understand, for her, but I just don’t. I already know I’m going to lose her, so what’s the point in pretending like I don’t want her? Like she doesn’t want me. Like everything is normal between us. It’s not a switch I can just turn off. The way I feel about her, it’s… it’s everything.”
They were quiet for a moment. Yaz wiped the stray tears from her eyes, and Dan pushed down his anger that threatened to bubble to the surface. Now was not the time for anger. That wasn’t what Yaz needed.
“I don’t like seeing you like this, Yaz,” he finally said. “Is she really worth all these tears?” Yaz didn’t say anything, but she pulled her hand out of Dan’s grip. He sighed. Too much. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… I want you to be happy, Sheffield. Are you happy?”
The silence between them stretched on, but slowly, Yaz nodded. “I’ve never been happier than when I’m with her.”
Dan felt his anger dissipate. It wasn’t gone, not completely, but his care for Yaz outweighed his anger at the Doctor.
“Well, she’s an idiot,” Dan sighed.
Yaz's lip quirked up in an amused smile. “You’re telling me, mate.”
And then, as if the weight of the day and her conversation with the Doctor was finally lifted, exhaustion took over. Yaz collapsed into Dan’s lap, and he let her lay there as her eyes drifted shut and her breath evened out until she was fast asleep.
Dan watched her sleep for a moment with a fond smile on his face. Her furrowed brow relaxed in her slumber, and it was nice to see her at peace for once. Eventually, Dan lifted Yaz’s head from his lap and ever so carefully laid her back down on her pillow. He pulled the blankets over her sleeping form, shut off the lights, and quietly made his way out of her room.
First things first, he still had to find the bathroom. But then he was going to have a conversation with the Doctor, whether she wanted to or not.
The Doctor didn’t sleep after their encounter with the Sea Devils. She didn’t sleep much in general, but tonight she was actively avoiding it. If she thought too much about her conversation with Yaz, she knew she would soon regret every word of it. Seeing the heartbreak in Yaz’s eyes was almost enough for her to break. She was a hair away from being as selfish as she wanted to be and kissing Yaz senseless.
Or maybe this was the selfish route? She knew how Yaz felt, and she knew she felt the same. She wanted to protect them both from the inevitable hurt when they learned the hard way this wouldn’t last forever, but she hardly even gave Yaz a say in the matter. Maybe it was selfish to project her own fears onto Yaz, to make that decision and try to be the bigger person for the both of them.
The Doctor shook her head, trying to clear these errant thoughts from her mind. She pulled the goggles down over her eyes and went back to work with the blowtorch on the wiring under the TARDIS controls. It was in the past now. Too late to change anything. No sense in overthinking it. So she lost herself in her work.
The Doctor loved working on TARDIS upgrades and repairs. It was one of the only ways to clear her mind. Working with her tools was like second nature, and after a long day like the one they just had, it was more relaxing than a full night’s sleep.
Absorbed in her work, the Doctor didn’t hear the footsteps that pattered into the console room some time later. She didn’t hear someone clear their throat beside her. It wasn’t until she felt a hand on her shoulder that the Doctor was aware of another presence with her. She jumped, startled, and the blowtorch clattered to the ground.
Dan seemed unphased.
“Holy moly, Dan, don’t sneak up on me like that!” The Doctor grabbed the blowtorch, set it atop the console, and removed her goggles. “It’s dangerous.”
“I’ve been standing here clearing my throat for five minutes. Maybe you should be more aware of your surroundings when you’re working with power tools.”
The Doctor wanted to reply with a joke or funny quip, but she sensed an edge to his voice that wasn’t there before. She frowned. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”
She brushed past him to dig through a storage cupboard for another tool, but Dan followed her.
“Not tired,” Dan said brusquely. “I wanted to talk to you about something.
The Doctor didn’t look up. “Can’t it wait until morning? We’ve had a long day.”
“No, I don’t think it can.”
The Doctor turned her head, and Dan towered over her, arms crossed, staring at her in a way that made the Doctor wish she could disappear. She was known for her larger than life personality, but suddenly she felt small. She cleared her throat and stood up, facing him, but still had to look up to meet his eyes. It was times like this that the Doctor cursed this regeneration for being so much shorter than her past lives. She didn’t like losing the upper hand, even for something as silly as this.
“Go on, then.”
Dan took a step closer, getting in her face. The Doctor felt herself instinctively move back, just a bit, but after a moment she felt her back hit the console and had no more room to retreat.
“Whatever game you’re playing with Yaz needs to stop. Now.”
The Doctor frowned. “Games? I’m not playing any games. Well, we were skimming rocks earlier, but that wasn’t really—“
“Stop,” Dan said firmly. “Enough with your rambling and deflecting. I’m sick of it. I know Yaz cares about you too much to tell you to shove it, but I’m only here for Yaz.”
At this, the Doctor shut her mouth. Dan was angry. She didn’t like angry Dan.
“She told me what you said to her,” Dan continued. “On the beach.”
When the Doctor stayed quiet, Dan raised an eyebrow at her, as if challenging her to say something. And the Doctor, as expected, took the bait.
“Why would she do that? Why would she tell you that?”
“Because we’re friends.” He took another step closer and the Doctor gulped. The console was still pressed into her back and she had nowhere to go. “You hurt her. I don’t like seeing Yaz hurt.”
The Doctor gaped at him for a moment. “Hurting Yaz is the last thing I want to do.”
“Well it’s too late. You’ve done it.”
Suddenly all her suspicions were confirmed. That distant look back on the beach as Yaz agreed, before she forced a smile and handed her that stupid rock to skim. The Doctor knew it then, but hearing it now on the receiving end of Dan’s protective anger was like a shock to her system. In her attempt to salvage their relationship, she went and bulldozed it herself. Maybe if she could convince Dan she did the right thing, she could convince herself as well.
“It’s better this way—“
“Bullshit,” Dan cut her off. He would hear none of her excuses. “I see the way you look at her. I see the way you are with each other when you think I’m not around. You want to throw that all away, for what? To be some sort of martyr?”
“That’s not what this is.” The Doctor glared and marched forward, sticking her finger in Dan’s chest. “You can’t imagine the loss I’ve faced, the pain I’ve put the people I love through. I’m not doing that to Yaz, she’s too important. I’m trying to protect her, Dan.”
“So am I,” Dan said, standing his ground. “You don’t want her to get hurt, but she’s already hurting. If you can’t see that, you're a bigger idiot than I thought you were. And if you love her as much as I thought you did, I’m sure you’re hurting right now too.”
The Doctor turned her gaze to the ground, breaking their eye contact. It was exactly the dilemma she found herself contemplating before Dan had walked in. The pain in her hearts that she had suppressed broke through the dam and flooded her entire being when Dan called her out. She couldn’t ignore it anymore.
The Doctor ached for Yasmin Khan. She dug her fingernails into her hands as they burned with the need to hold her. She pursed her lips that longed to kiss her. Her hearts ached with the desire to love and be loved in return. She had everything she wanted at her fingertips and selfishly cast it aside like it was nothing. Her eyes stung as tears spilled down her cheeks. She turned her clouded gaze back up at Dan who hadn’t said anything.
“If it already hurts, then what’s the point?” Dan asked.
The Doctor had no answer for him.
When Yaz woke, she felt numb.
Even before she was fully conscious, it was like there was an empty, gaping hole in her chest. Everything that should have been there was overwhelmed with hopelessness and dread. And as her conscious mind came back to her, so did her memories from the prior day.
She couldn’t remember how long it took her to finally fall asleep, but she remembered her conversation with Dan and felt embarrassed that he saw her break down like that. Even if she was appreciative of his presence and comforting words, she hated being so vulnerable, with anyone.
Getting ready for the day felt like a chore. Yaz dragged herself into the shower and let the hot water scald her skin for far too long, just to feel something other than the aching in her chest. She threw on the first clothes she could find, not caring if anything matched. She couldn’t even be bothered to do something with her hair, so she just left it down, still wet, her natural curls taking over.
Yaz stood in the hallway, willing her feet to carry her to the console room, but was frozen. She was always the first one awake, always the first one to find the Doctor and hear about their next adventure. If Yaz didn’t show up soon, the Doctor would know something was wrong.
Can we just live in the present of what we have, while we still have it?
It seemed Yaz had made an empty promise, because the idea of seeing the Doctor and pretending everything was fine made her blood run cold. Just the thought of having to pretend hurt too much. Maybe Yaz would come around eventually, quash her feelings enough that every moment they spent together no longer felt like the Doctor held her heart in a vice, but she needed time.
Before Yaz even realized what she was doing, her feet carried her far away from the front of the ship. She didn’t have a destination in mind. Her only goal was to get away. Away from the Doctor. Away from Dan. Away from the longing looks that were only salt in the wound, away from the sympathy that she didn’t want or need. Away from every thought that plagued her mind and away from everything that reminded her of the Doctor. She walked through the TARDIS halls until, for the first time in her years on this ship, she came across a dead end.
The hallway didn’t branch out or loop back around, it came to a stop with a single door at the end. Yaz looked around, confused, but felt a strange feeling of encouragement from the ship. Tentatively, she stepped forward and pushed the door open.
“Oh, you’ve got to be joking.”
Inside the room was an empty beach, and though it was quite unlike the one they had left the day before, the fresh memory of heartbreak tore at her like an open wound. The TARDIS warbled as if to say, no, I’m not kidding.
Still, Yaz found herself walking inside and letting the door fall shut behind her. Yaz removed her shoes and socks, dropping them by the door so they wouldn’t get lost, and buried her toes in the soft, warm sand, so different from the hard surfaces and sharp rocks of her bitter memory. It felt more pleasant, more welcoming. She continued on down the shore.
The sun beat down, or whatever this artificial sun was. The sky was bright and warm with not a cloud in sight. It was like the overcast skies from the day before that reflected the gloom of a broken heart had been shunned away. Yaz shed her jacket and dropped it on the ground, feeling the sun on her skin as it warmed her up from the inside. She wondered how this felt so real, but the wonders of the TARDIS were almost never answered.
Yaz took a tentative step into the waves that crashed onto the shore. She braced herself for the icy chill like the violent sea from yesterday’s adventure, but instead it was a refreshing cold that gently lapped at her toes, a perfect contrast to the warmth of the sun. Yaz walked deeper into the water until it was halfway up her shins, the bottom of her jeans soaked through.
The spray of salt water hit her face, and Yaz smiled. She sat down, and water seeped through every dry inch of her jeans. The waves only went up to her waist as she sat, but it was refreshing. And most importantly, it was far away from everything she was trying not to think about. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
Yaz wasn’t sure how long she sat for, but when she heard the door, she opened her eyes. She didn’t have to turn around to know who it was.
“How’d you find me?” Yaz asked quietly.
The crunch of the sand stopped, as the Doctor froze in her tracks, guilty at being caught. “I was looking for you all morning. And the TARDIS, well, she likes to meddle.”
Yaz glared into the distance at nothing in particular, hoping the TARDIS could feel it. I trusted you, mate, she thought. An even bigger wave crashed onto shore, soaking Yaz’s shirt. She frowned.
“I ruined our beach trip yesterday, didn’t I?” the Doctor asked. Her voice was closer, almost right behind Yaz, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn and look at her.
Yaz sighed. It was an olive branch from the Doctor, but one she was not inclined to take. She didn’t even know how to answer that. She had told the Doctor she was fine to pretend things were normal again, back to how they were before, but love is a hard thing to ignore. If Yaz was being honest, she started falling for the Doctor from the moment she crashed through the roof of that train the day they first met. It’s hard to go back to a normal that never was. And now that she had acknowledged it, she didn’t want to go back.
“I can’t say it was what I expected, that’s for sure.”
There was a splash in the water next to her as the Doctor sat down. Yaz itched to turn her head and just look at her, but kept her gaze firmly trained on the artificial horizon. “What part was unexpected?”
The part where you might love me, Yaz wanted to say. The part where you broke my heart.
“The sea monster with all the teeth was a surprise.”
The Doctor chuckled. “Yeah, I suppose I wasn’t expecting that one either.”
For a moment, the only sound between them was the crash of waves onto the shore. It was strange. The Doctor loved the sound of her own voice. She spoke even when she had nothing to say. And yet here and now, Yaz had never seen her so quiet and still.
“Why are you here, Doctor?”
“I said, been looking for you.”
“But why?”
Silence. A long sigh. “I don’t like how we left things.”
Finally, Yaz turned to look at her. “I told you, it’s fine—“
“Don’t lie to me, Yaz,” the Doctor pleaded. There was something behind her eyes that Yaz recognized, a sort of sad longing. She had seen it on the beach yesterday, and here it was again. It only made everything hurt again. Yaz pulled her knees up to her chest and said nothing. “I see your eyes. Red and ragged. You look exhausted. And your hair? I mean, it looks nice, always does, but you love doing your hair up. You’re not fine, so please don’t pretend you are for my sake. How much did you sleep last night?”
Yaz just shrugged. She wasn’t sure what time she finally exhausted herself enough to sleep. She wasn’t sure how long she spent crying first for that to finally happen.
“The only thing that’s changed here is us, and that’s my fault.”
“Yeah, well, you’ve already said your piece,” Yaz snapped. She didn’t mean to snap, but her exhaustion and heartbreak just made it slip out. “I understand, Doctor. I promise.”
“I don’t think you do,” the Doctor said. “I’ve said my piece, but I want you to say yours. I realize I didn’t give you that chance.”
The Doctor looked at her, unfaltering and so full of love. Yaz had never felt so exposed, like a turtle on its back, just hoping someone would have a heart and flip her back over. Yaz gulped. She had her heart on her sleeve and the Doctor knew that, but she still wanted to hear it from Yaz herself.
“You’re right,” Yaz said quietly. “I don’t understand. And I don’t think I will. But I’ll also never know how much you’ve lost. You’re protecting yourself and I get that.”
Yaz trailed off, but the Doctor stayed quiet, still watching her expectantly with that intense gaze, like she knew Yaz had more on her mind.
“But,” Yaz continued, when she realized the Doctor wasn’t going to let her off that easy, “it hurts. I can’t pretend it doesn’t. I know how things end. I’ve already lost you twice, but this? This is worse. You said we should just live with what we have, before it’s gone, but what we have now hurts. Why should we have to deny ourselves something that’ll make us happy? Even if it’s just for a little while.”
The waves crashed on the shore, filling the silence as the Doctor mulled over her words. Yaz held her breath, wondering if she would say anything at all. She still had so much more to say herself.
“That makes sense,” was all the Doctor said eventually, her voice quiet.
“Your wife,” Yaz started, feeling more confident the more she spoke, “was she the first?”
“What?”
“Was she the first one you lost?”
For the first time, the Doctor looked away from her. Her gaze drifted to the sea, a distant look in her eyes. “No,” she admitted. “Not even remotely close.”
“What’s different this time, then?” Yaz asked. “Is it me?”
“No,” the Doctor said quickly and reached out to grab Yaz’s hand, almost instinctively. Yaz looked down at their joined hands against the sand between them. She didn’t pull away. Neither did the Doctor. “It might be me. This regeneration. This personality. The cowardly romantic. Feels rather fitting, I suppose.”
“So the only reason you don’t want to be with me… is because you’re a coward?”
“Yeah!” The Doctor said, then frowned when she processed the question. “I mean no. I told you, it’s not a matter of what I want. I know what I want.” The way her eyes drifted down Yaz’s whole being as she spoke made her heart stop. “But I can’t. I’m too much of a coward to risk the pain of losing you.”
Yaz turned away from the Doctor’s intense gaze. She stayed quiet, and retracted her hand, pulling it back to her own lap. She could see the Doctor’s small pout out of the corner of her eye, and held back a small smile of satisfaction.
“Please say something,” the Doctor said. Yaz drew it out for a moment longer, but she had to speak her mind at some point.
“I think I’m in love with a selfish idiot,” Yaz muttered, “and I don’t know how to fix that.”
Yaz didn’t want to fix it. Not really. Being in love with the Doctor was the easiest thing in the world. She wouldn’t know where to start, even if she wanted to change that. She glanced over at the Doctor who stared ahead with a contemplative look on her face. The crease between her brows appeared, and Yaz wanted to kiss her there.
“What was it your Nani said about courage?” the Doctor asked, after some time.
Yaz frowned. She had just said it yesterday, surely the Doctor still remembered. But she indulged the question regardless.
“It’s knowing something will hurt and doing it anyway.”
“No, the other bit.”
“That it’s also the definition of stupidity?”
“That’s the one,” the Doctor said with a smile. “I’m pretty stupid, aren’t I?”
Yaz raised an eyebrow. “You’re the smartest person I know.”
“Well, yeah, but someone can be smart and stupid, right? Remember when I botched that stealth mission and Karvanista caught us? Or the time I thought the answer to Daleks was more Daleks?”
“Those worked out, in the end.”
“Still pretty daft, though.”
“What are you on about, Doctor?”
Finally, the Doctor turned to her, eyes wide and glowing golden in the light like a beacon of hope. “Maybe I want to be stupidly courageous. For once in this lifetime.”
Yaz frowned. “But you said—“
“I know what I said,” the Doctor sighed. “But you’re right. It already hurts. It hurts to know the pain that I’ve caused you. It hurts to pretend I don’t love you. And when I die, or when you leave, it’ll hurt then too. I don’t know how long we have, but maybe, just maybe,” she grabbed Yaz’s hand again and intertwined their fingers, “this would be worth it.”
“What are you saying?”
“Yasmin Khan, will you be stupid and courageous with me?”
Yaz stared at her in disbelief for a moment. This was so different from their conversation the day before. It was like emotional whiplash, and Yaz wasn’t sure what to believe. But the Doctor didn’t falter, her question still hanging in the air. Yaz felt a reassuring squeeze on her hand, and something in the Doctor’s eyes told her she was serious. Slowly, Yaz nodded.
“Can I kiss you now?” the Doctor asked, her voice quiet and timid, afraid she had pushed a boundary to its breaking point.
Emboldened by the Doctor’s question, Yaz took it upon herself to close the distance between them and capture her lips like she wanted to so many times before. And this time, the Doctor didn’t turn away or change the subject. This time, the Doctor kissed her back.
Somewhere in the TARDIS, Dan sat with a steaming mug of tea, still waking up for the day. A warble from the ship startled him that his mug clattered to the ground, spilling its contents across the floor. He cursed under his breath, but then the message from the TARDIS was clear as day in the front of his mind.
He let out a soft sigh, a smile on his lips. “Finally.”