Chapter Text
All Shinji could hear when he woke up was the soft humming of the ceiling fan above and the slow breathing of the boy in bed beside him. Shinji woke up in a cold sweat and tears in his eyes with Kaworu’s arms wrapped around him from behind, holding him close. Kaworu’s slow breathing stops instantaneously as he moves his arms off of Shinji’s body and sits up to face him.
“Shinji? What happened? Please look at me, you’re shaking.” Shinji rolls onto his back wiping away some of his tears. He stares up at the moving ceiling fan and follows it with his eyes. The cool air blows on his wet face as he recalls what woke him up. Just as he’s about to lose himself in his thoughts he hears Kaworu again, this time his face is right above him, blocking the fan.
“Shinji, stay with me right now, alright?” Kaworu goes to wipe a hand across Shinji’s brow before Shinji blocks him. He puts his arm over his face and turns away.
“Kaworu, I'm fine, just go back to sleep. You don’t always have to worry about me.” All Shinji could hear was a small whimper from Kaworu as he moved his face away from Shinji’s. Shinji starts to hiccup and hold back tears before moving his arm off of his face. He sits up to properly face Kaworu now across from him on the foot of the bed. Kaworu’s neutral, comforting face has turned to a very human face of sadness and worry. Shinji fidgets with his fingers and Kaworu moves closer to him. His right hand hovers over Shinji’s face as tears start to fall. Shinji grabs Kaworu’s shaking hand and leans into his palm. With Shinji now lightly sobbing, Kaworu brings his left hand to the other side of Shinji's face to hold it and wipe away his tears. Shinji flinches, but slowly turns his head to lean into Kaworu’s left palm.
Kaworu holds Shinji’s face until his sobs grow heavier and Kaworu pulls him into his arms. Shinji cries into Kaworu’s shirt and wraps his arms around his neck. It was like Kaworu was going to disappear if Shinji didn’t cling onto him for dear life. Kaworu checks the clock on the bedside table while he gently runs his fingers through Shinji’s hair. It’s 3:10 am, Kaworu was pondering letting Shinji sleep in before he remembered it’s a Saturday.
Once his sobs had died down, Kaworu looked down to see Shinji’s face, “Now, do you want to tell me what happened?”
Shinji closes his eyes, nods, and takes a deep breath before saying, “You were there but-” tears and sweat keep falling down his face as he stutters, “I had to watch you die, so many times.” His eyes move to Kaworu’s neck and collar as if looking for something. “I did it. I had to-or maybe I wanted to? I don’t know! You said you loved me, but you probably don’t anymore from what I just said-”
Kaworu holds Shinji in a tight embrace, “Shinji, don’t ever question if I’ll stop loving you, no matter the circumstance. You could do anything, you could kill me whether it is your will or not, but I won’t question your judgment or ever stop loving you. My devotion to you and you alone is all that matters in any and all lifetimes.”
Shinji’s choked sobs turn into a slight chuckle, “Kaworu, you always tell me but you really shouldn’t say things like that. You can’t devote yourself to one person even if someone can live multiple lives. And you wouldn’t wanna devote yourself to someone like me. I’m not a leader. I’m not a good pilot. I’m nothing special.”
Kaworu sighs and presses a kiss to Shinji’s forehead, “You may not believe it, but this does not mean you are not an object of devotion. If you do become some kind of leader, I’ll follow you to the end. Just remember you deserve love and I have plenty to give to you and only you. You are more special than you understand, Shinji.” Before Shinji can even stutter a rebuttal, Kaworu bends down and softly kisses Shinji on the lips. When they break apart, they sit and hold each other with nothing but their own breathing and the fan for noise.
“Do you want to go to sleep or stay up to change and wash your face?” Shinji thinks for a second, looking at Kaworu’s face. The pure love in his eyes is already enough to help Shinji fall back asleep.
“I want to sleep. Will you hold me again?” Kaworu moves back from the foot of the bed to Shinji’s side and draps the covers over the two of them. He kisses Shinji’s cheeks, next under his eyes at any remaining tears, his forehead, and finally his lips. Shinji buries his face into Kaworu’s chest and falls asleep to the sound of Kaworu’s faint, but real, heartbeat.
“Of course, deus mea vitae.”