Archive of Our Own

RUE DE FLEURUS.

            “I found this one in my old collection yesterday.” They said. “It reminded me of you.”

The first drop of rain hit the window pane in time with the smile that reached the freckles on the person’s cheeks. The black haired one edged closer and peeked at the material on the counter.

“But,” he grimaced. “It’s so pretty.”

The other person said nothing but their smile reduced to a soft knowing look. They tucked the book back into the drawer and gestured over to the newest piece of art hanging beside them. 

He turned to stare then he baffled at how a person such as Felix, person so…uncontaminated, could create art that raw and discordant and that in tune with his own feelings. 

A soft breath fanned his lungs as he studied every nook and cranny of the canvas. The thing with Felix was they never used any dark colours to create sorrow so his eyes skimmed over the hues of orange and blues, yellows and whites and all sorts of colours that simply did not belong in a painting so sad and his heart ached, though he did not know why. 

Death of the Sun. the piece read. 

“I made this one last night.” Their voice merged with his thoughts. “I couldn’t sleep and I kept — thinking of you.”

How fitting, he thought, to think of me and create something so horribly sad.

“It’s very beautiful.” He managed to croak. His voice hadn’t been in use for times other than Felix and even then, he spoke less and less. After a pause, he struggled. “What does it mean?”

They smiled. “Exactly what you think, Jisung. I didn’t want to complicate things. The sun is dead. And — and everything that feeds off of it, in a way, is plunged in darkness. They’re confused. They don’t know what caused the sun to die and they’re scared too that they’ll never see the light again.”

The rain grew.

“And everyone is kind of just huddled into each other, seeking for comfort and seeking some form of luminescence because they’re oh so terrified of the dark and perhaps together, it won’t be so scary. So they find comfort in each other’s warmth and manage to go about their lives then slowly, slowly but surely, everyone forgets about the sun.”

Their hands touched the rough outline of the dried paint and a faint frown danced on their lips before it’s replaced by the soft smile they always gift to Jisung. Then, a whisper.

“It’s like he was never there.” 

Jisung, the boy, he hated the intensity in Felix’s gaze as they stared at him contrasted by the gentleness in their smile. Caterpillars flare up inside of him and he wanted to leave or wanted the attention off of him, at the very least.

He asked. “Are you the sun, Felix.”

They nod. “No.”

And there was that. Jisung became acutely aware of the raindrops pounding on the glass doors and windows and also, the beating in his heart. 

He looked around the store and sighed. “I’ll take it.“

They grinned.

“And today?” Their voice never rose above the tiny whisper always associated with Jisung. “What’s today’s colour?” 

The sound of the rain echoed in his brain and he almost dismissed the churning in his stomach at the thought of being anywhere other than here, at the thought of home. His hands quivered with a slight tremor before he squeezed them into a ball and breathed softly. 

“Today is magnolia.” His deep voice seemed to reverberate around the room.

Felix smiled. “Yeah? Why?”

“Because today I feel like laying in bed until I become one with the foam and my — my mind is all fumbled and blank and I can’t seem to just focus on one thing. I feel like there’s something waiting for me around the corner and I — just want to…cry.”

“Then cry.” Was all Felix said. “For however long. And when you’ve tired yourself out, I have the wool and I dressed the bed out back with music sheets just for you.”

Kind.

Jisung had never come across this much kindness for almost a year and he almost felt like hating Felix for it; for being too good to him, for taking it slow and for being his unassigned personal psychologist.

But he didn’t have the energy to muster up such hate as his heart bled with such enormous and unexplainable sadness that he just wanted to sleep for eternity (reckon sleeping beauty had it easy) and the bed, tears and knitting sounded promising so he trudged his heavy feet behind the counter and more or less slumped into Felix’s waiting arms.

The pat on his head that followed was so gentle, it almost reminded Jisung of when his mother used to do it to him as a child. 

He was guided to the bed left specially for all his schedules visits to Felix’s paint shop and he was handed the wool and needle so he could busy his hands and mind from other self destructive vices. He knitted into a straight line and with all the crying, tuckered out so that he went to sleep in less than thirty minutes and missed Felix’s routine of checking up on him, just as he missed the empathetic frown sent his way. 

Good thing, too because frowns did not belong on Lee Felix’s face.

Although, that was the exact expression that he’d met on Felix’s face the first time they saw each other. He’d come into the quaint store smelling of plant smoke, with tousled hair, mismatched clothes and the light mascara from the night before smeared in different spots on his face. He must have looked a mess and Felix noticed. 

He was crying then, a year ago, and he couldn’t remember what led him to the store only that it looked sad and lonely just as he was. Felix, bless their heart, was so worried for Jisung even though they’d never met prior to his frantic entrance and they hurried to get wipes, a hairbrush and water to clean him up as much as possible.

Felix didn’t ask what was wrong in that moment. Actually, the more Jisung thought about it, the more he realised Felix brought it up slowly in little pieces of conversation, so subtly that he didn’t notice until a few months later. And by then, visiting them had become a toxic dependence he could not get rid of.

They knew him, really well. So well that they understood the days Jisung just wanted silence or the times he only wanted to cry and sleep, running away from something at home. Felix never brought that one up; home. No matter how comfortable they got, he always walked on eggshells around that one and no matter how guilty Jisung felt about being a burden, his gratitude always outweighed it.

What they did make up, though, were colour schemes that would describe how they both felt on that day. Sometimes they exceeded the many colours they had remembered by mind and had to explain what the new one meant but it was a routine that they were both comfortable in and it always helped steer Jisung away from panic attacks or manic episodes (however rare) so it was a welcome change. 

As he slept, his dreams started out a monotone nothingness before they morphed, bit by bit, almost like someone was solving a puzzle in his brain and the scene unfolded to reveal that cursed red door which transformed into the sturdy queen sized bed. He could almost see their eyes, taste their breaths — he woke up.

Sweat pooled all around him and tears glazed over his eyes. He was weary not only physically but mentally as well and he was so sleep deprived, he just wanted to be able to stay limp in consciousness for more than thirty minutes. He gathered himself, remade the bed and pushed his wool to the side before he made his way into the main store.

The usual customers were there, as he expected. A single knowing look shared between he and Felix before he made to leave the store, slow and expectant. 

“Jisung!” Felix called out just before he could leave. He turned around in anticipation. “Beautifully morning?” He tried.

Jisung sighed and left.

It wasn’t a beautiful morning and if his life continued going in the meaningless direction that it was, it never will be. No matter how many times Felix bade him goodbye with the same phrase, hoping one day he would agree. The rain had trickled into painless drizzles so he put his hood up, tucked his hand into his pocket and began the treacherous walk home.

He felt a little better than when he’d first entered the store and he felt like he was in the mental state to fake another set of smiles and tweak his personality so that everything appeared alright — everything had to be alright. 

He lived in a large apartment in the more affluent side of Seoul so the walk from downtown to uptown wasn’t a short one but it was to give himself time to prepare for the pain of the night. 

He arrived.

Inside of the house was cold, just as Seo Changbin, one of his lovers, liked it.  One of his lovers implied more and it was to be proven true as Han Jisung, a couple of years prior, found himself inviting the older man to join an already established relationship between him and another insanely attractive man he would be jailed for turning down. And ever since then, they were one and the same.

Bang Chan, the oldest of the trio at twenty five, was a producer and CEO of a large entertainment company, left for him by his retired father — coincidentally with the same initials, Bang Chawon — based in Seoul, (CB Entertainment) which entailed him scarcely being around during the day leaving Changbin, who was a famous former underground rapper under said company, together with Jisung most of the time until he had to leave during the evenings.

Jisung was a co-producer for CB Entertainment but he did most of his work at home so he always had time. He and Chan, actually, a couple years ago at the company when Jisung had visited to submit a paid internship form and he’d been so good that the CEO personally decided to keep him and with so many open doors and windows, they had many opportunities to get to know each other and promptly develop feelings. It wasn’t the weirdest dynamic but it also wasn’t very common.

Walking in through the doors, he could hear the soft sound of a bass beat playing somewhere in the house. He shrugged off his hoodie and draped it over his arm like a butler.

“You’re wet.” Were the words that greeted him from the knowing man on the couch. 

“Happy evening to you, too, Changbin.”

Changbin was buff. That would have to be the first thing anyone noticed about him. He and Chan were gym bros so he had a strict regimen to maintain his taut body. Even more than that, he loved to wear tight fitting clothes to advertise his fitness. So with his hands draped over the soft couch, clad in a short sleeved, tight black shirt, Jisung could just about count all the muscles on that limb.

“Correct me if I’m wrong but I remember singing it to you that the weather today said pouring. Pouring, Jisung, as in snowstorms and you decided to rush out in that embarrassment of warmth when I was in the shower.” The older (everyone was older than Jisung it seemed) boy chided with a heavy sigh. 

“No one believes weather reports anymore, Chang. We just go out there and find out for ourself, it’s like a lucky draw, you’ll never know what you get.” His voice rang out the deeper he walked into the house. He’d aimed to dump his damp clothes in the laundry and change. 

By the time he’d come back, Changbin had gathered himself from his sprawled position and made enough space for him to lie on the couch, even though there were two others nearby. He walked towards the open space and placed his head on his boyfriend’s lap. Changbin’s hands immediately knitted through his hair.

“How was your day?” The older man asked fondly.

Jisung hated the kindness in his man’s voice because it managed to contribute to the already heavy guilt gnawing at his insides resulting from the fact that he would lie every-time. 

“Good.” He attempted to shrug. “I went to Rue, bought another painting again, I’ll probably have it delivered later today.”

Changbin chuckled as his eyes ran through each of their walls and the pieces of artwork that decorated them. “Might as well register as a full museum, the way things are going.” 

“I know a place.” Jisung chimed in, easy laughter mixing with his boyfriend’s. “How was your day.”

“Meh, I honestly just lounged around all day and missed you guys. Didn’t help that Chan gave me the day off.“ His skilled hands never wavered from Jisung’s hair.

“A day of resting for the working class? Oh, woe is me.” He teased, earning a light smack and a short laugh. He turned serious. “I missed you, too, you know. Saw something pretty today and it reminded me of you.”

A wide smile occupied Changbin’s face. “Yeah?” He leaned down to pressed a soft kiss to Jisung’s nose and then his lips. “Every beautiful thing I see reminds me of you.“

The red that enveloped the younger man’s ears after that were involuntary and he made to cover them. 

“Yuck. Who put this much cheese in my cheesecake?” He faked disgust with his hands still pressed to his ear.

Soft hands detached them and the long laugh that erupted from Changbin’s lungs vibrated in Jisung’s. “You’re so beautiful when you’re shy.”

Before the protest he’d built up could leave him, the front door clicked open and shut and heavy footsteps paused at the entrance to the living room. The other warmth was here. 

A lazy smirk and a built body perched on the door frame, clouds of his dark clothing obstructing the hallway light. Chan’s eyes glittered as he raised a brow. 

“Am i interrupting something?”

“Almost wish you were.” Changbin teased and received a playful hit from Jisung as the by-product. 

“Welcome home, Channie.” The youngest offered a dazzling smile that could make anyone swoon before he ran into the older man’s arms. 

“Hi, Bear.” The warmth greeted him. “Changbin being good to you? Remember I beat him at wrestling that one time.”

“With foul play!” Changbin added bitterly, the results of their little match a memory he wouldn’t soon forget.

Jisung smiled with a nod. “He’s behaving. ‘Missed you.” He declared as he snuggled into the bigger man.

A chaste kiss was pressed to his forehead. “My day was hell without you two.” Chan declared. “Movie night to tell you all about it?”

A chorus of cheers and it was settled. Chan walked inside to shower quickly (not before placing a kiss on Changbin’s head too because he wasn’t bias) and they busied themselves with setting up and ordering the food while they waited on him. 

Movie nights used to be Jisung’s favourite. 

Truthfully, he used to enjoy a lot of things. It was almost painful to indulge the same things that used to be his favourite and feel no pleasure whatsoever. However, Jisung could easily pass as an actor with how much he pretended to not have changed, to be the same. 

He knew he had to be enthusiastic, or else eye brows would raise. So he made to choose the movie and he settled on something they would all enjoy, some American movie called Elysium. Jisung didn’t care for it but he knew it would interest the other two. 

By the time Changbin returned with the second bowl of popcorn and a few sodas, the opening credits had began rolling. The blondie, Chan, emerged a few moments later, faux-sad because they began without him. Changbin had rolled his eyes and told him to get over it, while Jisung empathized and settled the oldest’s head in his lap.

Midway to the movie, that was a little too much action for Jisung, the conversation came up. 

Chan cleared his throat a number of times to get the undivided attention of Changbin who seemed too engrossed in the movie — they’d managed to find Korean subtitles so he wasn’t asking as much questions as he would have when they watched other English movies — to acknowledge Chan with more than a few hums and nods. 

“There’s something—“ Chan begins. “I don’t know how to bring up.”

A soft nudge from Jisung followed by words of encouragement elicited a fond smile. It couldn’t have been too bad, Jisung reasoned, Chan never did anything too bad. Or on purpose anyway. 

“I actually took a break from the company today.” 

Exclamations of surprise, cartoonishly shocked expressions, and Chan had finally gained Changbin’s attention. Fairly, their reaction wasn’t unjustified; Bang Chan never took a break, or willingly, anyway. 

It’d resulted in fights a few times after he came home late, exhausted. Or even that time he passed out from fatigue and insufficient food. The hospital had seen enough of them to know their names, and so had their bank accounts. So a voluntary break from him was news. 

“You’re not joking, right?” Changbin.

He did not give himself enough time to mask the hopefulness in his voice. After all, the brown haired man was always the first to complain about never having enough time with his older lover. 

A reassuring smile descended on Chan’s lips. All they needed.

“I was actually hoping for you to take a couple months off, too. Tell your fans it was a family emergency or something? I mean, your tour isn’t until mid next year so it could be possible?”

Changbin looked faint and Jisung worried if he was going to pass out. He hadn’t gotten a break in so long.

“Not like I’m complaining because trust me I’m not, but why? Were you held at gunpoint? Is there a sniper on our roof? Did you murder someone?”

Jisung earned himself a smack for his teasing words, he perhaps forgot that Chan was so close to him. 

“Shut up,” blondie said. “It’s nothing like that. I’ve just had this idea for a while now and I thought what better time to do it than now?”

“What idea?” Changbin did not miss a beat, eyes narrowed because of course there was a catch.

A Cheshire grin. “Road trip.”

•••

Truly, the name Bang Chan boasted of fun times; sleighing down the street like they did many winters ago, rolling down mountains from their trip to Peru two summers before, filling the cotton candy machine with ten tons of cotton sugar and making cotton candy clouds. 

When he wasn’t working, everyday was an adventure. And although his boyfriend’s were always skeptical at first, they always grow to love the batshit crazy idea he comes up with on a whim. 

But road trip, in the middle of Blizzard Days Winter™️ had to have been the craziest thing he’d come up with. 

“That’s the craziest thing you’ve come up with.” Changbin said, deadpan.

Jisung was quick to disagree. “No, nothing beats him paying the zookeeper so he could ride the elephants. I still don’t want to know what he would’ve done if we weren’t there.”

“Okay.” Changbin agreed. “That’s the second craziest thing you’ve come up with, and it’s a no from me, by the way.” 

Chan rose from Jisung’s lap in protest. “You didn’t even think about it!”

“I don’t need to. Common sense says with how hazardous the roads are, it’s a death wish going on a road trip. It’s raining literal ice out there, Chan.”

“That’s the fun of it, the risk!” Chan countered. “Ji, tell him baby.”

Two hands raised above his hands in surrender, Jisung shook his head. “Don’t look at me, tell him yourself.”

Completely disregarding his words, Chan continued. “Okay but you, would you like to go? Do you think it’ll be fun?”

Jisung breathed deeply because Chan was staring at him with wide, pleading eyes, knowing he was the tie breaker. Knowing Changbin would do anything Jisung said. 

“I-“ he paused.

Truthfully, Jisung had never been one to enjoy road travel and one could only sit in a car for so long and stare at so much scenery before they went insane. Plus, he knew he needed days where he could breathe, days away from two of them and being stuck in a car together for however long would not provide that. 

But Chan was staring so dumbly, so cutely. And Jisung had a thing for Chan’s eyes, or maybe for Chan needing him, needing his permission on something. 

“Fuck, maybe?” He drawled. “It could perhaps, maybe, possibly be fun?”

Chan looked like a kid been given candy after he was told Halloween was cancelled, he turned to Changbin in excitement and the black haired man shared an exasperated look with Jisung who only mouthed the words Come on, he gave me puppy eyes. 

“Ji thinks it’ll be fun, Bin. You don’t want to let our Bear down, do you?” Chan was playing his cards right and he knew it. 

“There’s a first time for everything.” Changbin deadpanned. “And forgive me, Chan but I’m not ready to get us killed because of one of your other idiotic ideas.”

The air in the room grew tense, only the muffled voices from the TV broke the otherwise pin drop silence. 

Changbin seemed to realise. “Chan…”

“Idiotic?” Answered a whispery reply. “I was just — I thought it would be fun. We’re miserable here and we’re always too busy for each other, I thought a break would be nice. I didn’t realise it was an idiotic idea.”

A pained expression flitted across Changbin’s features. “It’s not, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…I’m just worried, Chan.”

“We could take the jet? Fly to a less snowy part of Korea to start? Please?” The formerly sad man drawled innocently. “We’ll just be going around in circles but we would visit so many tourist attractions and have so much fun!”

Changbin still looked conflicted. “Fuck, baby, it’s so risky.” He muttered after a moment. “Someone could get hurt.”

“The moment it starts getting too bad, we’ll stop, I promise. Wait it out.”

A deep sigh later and Changbin relented. Chan looked so happy and excited, Jisung knew the black haired one didn’t regret it. He decided to ask the important questions. 

“Where are we going and for how long?” 

Chan’s eyes glowed, like his skin as the light from the long forgotten movie and chandelier above them almost made him sparkle. 

“Just for a couple of months, two at most. We’ve lived here so long and there’s so many places we’ve never been to. I thought a change of scenery would be nice.” He stared at Jisung pointedly as he said that. “I rented one of those tour bus things for maximum comfort, hired two of the best drivers—“ he was cut off mid talk.

“Wait, so you’ve already made arrangements before we said yes?” Changbin’s eyes narrowed. 

Chan smiled cutely. “I knew you couldn’t say no to me.” And before Changbin could speak again, went on. “I invited some people because, for one, the bus is way too big for only three people and the more the merrier.”

“Who did you invite?” Jisung asked tentatively.

“Oh just Minho and Hyunjin.” Chan smiled. 

He and Changbin sighed simultaneously. Those were good friends, and some of the main choreographers for the company, so it wouldn’t be awkward. They were glad Chan hadn’t just invited someone off the street. 

“Oh and our neighbour, too. Also, that guy from the cafe we always go to, Seungmin, was it?”

A chorus of surprised disapprovals arose while Chan feigned coyness. 

“Our neighbour? Chan, which one and do you even know them. We’ve been living on this street for so long and we’ve never interacted with anyone, what makes you think they’d want to come and that it’ll even be safe for us!?” Jisung led the first outburst. 

“And why would you even invite Seungmin. I thought it’s already been established that the kid doesn’t like us, what makes you think he’d want to join us?” Changbin led the other.

A soft giggle filled the room, contrasting their gaping faces. “One at a time now.” Chan settled on a smile. 

“Jisung, I invited Jeongin. You guys might not know him but he and I have been bumping into each other for a while now. He’s a really cool, sarcastic, lonely kid. He moved here from Italy so he hasn’t made any friends, I offered and he said yes.”

Jisung made to speak when Chan continued. 

“Changbin, Seungmin doesn’t hate us. You think he does. He’s just not a very talkative person. He and I have spoken a little when I dropped by from work to grab lunch, he’s really cool. He’s quitting his job because he’s moving to America for school and he wants to have one final good memory of the place before he goes. Of course, I might have told them it’s an all expense paid trip as encouragement.”

Blondie took a deep breath and reclined in the chair with a satisfied expression. Many more questions were asked and details and schedules were ironed out before they decided to embark on their trip the following week.

It was suspicious how quickly Chan planned to begin, something in Jisung told him they weren’t given the real reason for the sudden trip but he decided to give blondie the benefit of the doubt. 

Moments before they could play the video, an idea formed in Jisung’s mind. If they were free to invite anyone they wanted over, and if he could not find time on his own to simply be and be sad, perhaps he could encourage the one person he could confide in to join them. 

Suddenly, he blurted it out, interrupting Chan and Changbin’s prior conversation. 

“Hey, can I invite Felix?”

Changbin had asked who that was because in all the time Jisung visited Rue de Fleurus, he’d never once mentioned the reason he went, the person he went to meet. All they knew was it was a place that made and collected art, and Jisung came back with a new one whenever he went. 

So hesitantly, he mentioned Felix in passing, nonchalantly, as if they werent the reason he was still alive. Chan had shrugged and granted him permission, Changbin had appeared skeptical but said nothing. The movie was resumed and conversation ended. 

The next day, Jisung found himself at Rue de Fleurus. Felix had greeted him with that same soft, kind, breathy smile and for the first time, he wasn’t there to cry.

When he’d invited Felix, he was more than sure he would be rejected, after all, they had this spiritual attachment to their shop, Jisung knew they couldn’t bear to be away from it for even a second. But without wasting a minute, Felix had agreed, spurring confusion in Jisung, even more so when they voiced how excited and expectant they were for the event.

Earlier, he and his lovers had mentioned fixing a date within the week to try and get to know one another better, before proceeding to spend months forever in each other’s company and he relayed the information to Felix who promised to be available whenever Jisung provided a date. 

And so it was settled. 

On the 25th or November, merely four days after Bang Chan had offered the idea, they all occupied a table at Seungmin’s former workplace, the music trio’s favourite cafe.

“Hey,” Seungmin had greeted after they’d settled in their seats. “I ordered already for you guys, like two minutes ago, the usual. I think my manager was mad she had to make coffee for me.” He chuckled nervously, rolling the rings around his left index finger.

Bang Chan offered a comforting. “Thank you. These are Changbin and Jisung, I know you’ve met but not formally.”

The ones who he gestured to acknowledged the Cherry-Head in greeting. 

“Yeah, uh, I’m Seungmin, if you don’t know already.” He visibly cringed before forcing a smile. 

Jisung could tell he was beating himself up. He tried to steer the conversation until Seungmin was comfortable enough to talk. 

“We did. Chan goes out of his way to worship your coffee making skills for two hours at least, Monday through Saturday.” He gave a lazy smirk. 

Cherry-Head turned Cherry-Faced. “I’m alright.” He claimed. 

“Said every great person ever.” Chan countered. 

Their small talk was briefly interrupted by a waitress carrying over their drinks and shuffled feet squeaking on the tiled floor. Two more had arrived. 

“Sorry we’re late.” A breathy voice belonging to a tall, lanky frame spoke as the owner brushed vibrant red hair away from their eyes. 

“Are you?” Another scowled; average build and with a body made for a dancer.  Their dark brown curls made a circle across their forehead, leaving a perfect view of it. A permanent frown creased their face.

“Minho, Hyunjin,” Chan cut off the banter he was sure would ensue. “Take a seat, perhaps?” 

The brunette’s frown was redirected to Bang Chan but they complied nonetheless. The booth they’d chosen filled up little by little. 

“Seungmin, Hyunjin and Minho. Hyunjin and Minho, Seungmin.” Came the introduction. “Jeongin should be here soon, along with…”

“Felix.” Jisung supplied. 

Chan nodded. 

“So,” Minho, brunette, started. “What did we miss? Other than you guys getting drinks without us?”

Cherry-Face made another comeback.

Changbin, who’d not said anything since, shrugged. “Not a lot, why’re you late?”

“Hyunjin couldn’t find his ruby necklace.” Minho pulled on an exasperated look. 

“It’s the only one that goes with this shirt!” The culprit defended. 

The small talk that ensued mostly involved Minho and Hyunjin bickering while Jisung and Chan tried to involve Seungmin as much as possible. Changbin blankly stared at his lukewarm coffee, cradling a headache and looking for an escape from his misery. It was almost laughable how entirely and truly done he looked with the situation and Jisung could only imagine the words of regret swimming around in his head.

It was always like this after Changbin had succumbed to another one of Chan’s plans.

Jeongin arrived a little later in the middle of Jisung redirecting Felix because they got lost for the third time. They’d fallen into easy conversation so much so that even Seungmin chimed in a couple of times. Considerable amount of time had passed, leaving them wondering if they were even going to show. They had scarfed down lunch and patiently awaited their arrived (Minho was very annoyed).

Finally, after an eternity, they stepped into the threshold, breathless although one could hardly tell from their appearance, and harnessing a box of…fruits (?).

“Uh, hi.” They greeted meekly, standing awkwardly and awaiting an invitation to snatch the remaining space in the booth. “I’m really sorry I took so long, there are so many metros with the same name.”

A pretty red darkness accentuated the freckles the slept on both their cheeks and the bridge of their nose. The redness, also, spread to the top of their ear and contrasted their bright and blonde hair. Everyone wore their shocks on their sleeve at how deep and dark their voice sounded, compared to their bright and soft appearance.

“You’re alright. I’m sorry for not being specific about the directions.” For the first time, the kind smile was directed at Felix from Jisung. They were invited to claim the seat next to Jeongin across from Changbin. 

“I, uh, didn’t know what to bring and I didn’t want to be rude so I got these. Someone told me it was nice to bring gifts when meeting Korean friends?” They seemed unsure as they passed the basket to Jisung. 

“How kind of you. It really isn’t a requirement but thank you for going out of your way anyway. I’m Chan and these are my friends.” He gestured to each person and waited for them to introduce themselves. “And this is Changbin, my other boyfriend after Jisung.”

A look of poorly hidden surprise painted their face and they turned to Jisung. “Oh, wow. Jisung never mentioned, but then again, it never came up. It’s really nice to meet you.”

Only Felix seemed to be shocked that Jisung was in a relationship with the greatest rapper in South Korea and, by the looks of it, another really wealthy boy, if the designers clothes and accessories had anything to say. Jeongin was their neighbor so he saw the faces daily and so did Seungmin, every-time the trio came over to order lunch, always wearing masks so Changbin couldn’t be recognised. Felix knew Jisung had a decent amount of following on his Instagram page but to be associated with the wealthy and famous? 

“Me as well.” Chan nodded. “Are you from around here? I swear I’m hearing a hint of an accent when you speak.”

“Oh, don’t say anything, let me guess!” Jeongin chimed in excitedly. He was younger, Jisung had gathered from their talk earlier, merely nineteen and already in his first year of college and very excitable. “American?”

Felix laughed softly. “Not really. Australian.”

Just then, everyone could witness the gears in Chan’s head physically turning as a slow smile fought for its place on his lips. It wasn’t unjustified; not many Australians roamed the street of South Korea and since that was Chan’s nationality, he was always over the moon to meet people from his home. 

“Ah, really?” He mused in English. “So am I.”

Another shocking news for Felix. Their lips spread so wide, Jisung could count every single one of their incisors.

“Wow! It’s so nice to meet a fellow Aussie here. I thought I would die if I had to speak mistranslated Korean one more day. I’m so bad and people never seem to know what I’m saying.”

“Could have fooled me, your Korean is perfect.” Chan commented. 

Other than Jisung, who had studied in Malaysia for a time and learned some English, and Seungmin who decided to just teach himself out of the blue, the rest sat back and listened although they could understand no more than half of the conversation. 

But foreign language or not, they all knew Chan had taken to Felix.

Once the initial conversation had died down, and Felix had educated them on the proper pronouns to use for them (Jeongin slipped up a a bit here and there but soon got used to it), they began the topic on the preparation for the impromptu trip. 

“…yeah, so I’ve taken care of the transport and major food arrangements. Binnie and Ji managed accommodation as well as other types of transport, for the times when we’d need to sleep on actual beds.” Blondie explained, hand squeezing Changbin’s — who’d been grumpy all evening, thigh. 

“I wanna bring something. Otherwise I wouldn’t feel comfortable enjoying everyone else’s thing.” Jeongin contributed, reclined in the booth and sporting his third sugary drink of the evening. 

“I agree. I’ll just feel like I’m leaching off of you the whole time.” Seungmin concurred, Felix nodding along.

Jisung shook his head vigorously. “No, it’s okay. We invited you, we’ll take care of everything.”

“Nonsense. Let me bring some things. Food? There can never be too much food. Blankets? Shit even some books to read, music to keep us in high spirits.” The words came from Felix, who seemed to be slinking into their former self, their self with Jisung. 

“Yeah, I could bring blankets. I have tons of these really fluffy, warm ones. Parting gift from my parents that I haven’t used until now.” Jeongin agreed, while he set his cup down. 

“I have books.” Seungmin added. 

“Which leaves extra food and drinks to me.” They concluded. 

“Aw, you guys are so sweet.” Chan pretended to shed a tear. “Thank you, Minho and Hyunjin, for offering nothing.” 

Minho scoffed. “I’m already coming, what more do you want?”

“What he said.” Hyunjin answered, reclining into the chair. “But just to do you guys a favour, I’ll bring the weed.”

Once the dates and arrangements were settled, Chan decided to add them all to a group chat, to keep the hype up until the main day, three days away. He was even more excited than when he’d brought up the idea, happy to see it actualizing. That and he kept turning red the more fascinated Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin got after he’d blurted out the fact that they own a private jet. It was cute.

The more Chan got excited, the more Jisung decided perhaps it wasn’t so bad. Although, Changbin seemed to feel different as he hadn’t uttered more than two syllables since they’d arrived. Jisung knew he’d come around. 

Everyone came around for Chan.

The faces around the room were peculiar in appearance and personality and Jisung, until the third day arrived, could only lean back and wonder what it would be like to be stuck with them in a four corner box for months on end. Sanity, or fun? Being in one place, seeing the same faces, same crispy white scenery. 

The good thing was, he wasn’t going to have to wait too long to find out.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE.

         2022. A long, unforgiving winter billowed all over South Korea. The icy roads were treacherous to journey on and the thick flakes of white were even harder to see through. A large, long bus rolled to a stop at the side of the white crusted road, it’s headlights barely stretching more than two feet in front of it.

The cold was biting and seeping inside of the bus through unseen crevices. Conveniently, the central heater had sparked to death the day before and all the fluffy, warm blankets and coats could not help fight against the raging storm of snow that surrounded them. 

Altogether, eight bodies suffered from the hyperborean, each engaged in one quiet activity or the other — reading, writing, lounging around or watching a movie. Still, they all shivered.

“To die in a snow storm.” A deep, masculine voice interrupted the stale silence. “That’s what I’m going to name my next book — if I make it out alive to publish it.”

An older looking boy who’s faded crystal white hair brushed his eyelashes from inside the thick black trading glasses on his nose, rolled his eyes fondly.

“Don’t be dramatic, Hyunjin. The drivers already said an hour tops, the weather will clear out and we’ll be back on the road.” His dark brown eyes never wavered from the book he held even as he spoke. 

The voice from before started again. “I really don’t know how degrees work but I’m sure in this kind of temperature, we’ll freeze to death before the hour runs out.”

“Well I know how degrees work and I’m sure if you come cuddle me, we won’t freeze to death before the hour runs out.” A small, soft and amused voice said with a laugh in their tone.

A mop of platinum white mane bounced atop Hyunjin’s head as he lunged at the person who’d invited him, dark skin contrasting with caramel as they both fell to the ground with the force.

“Jin!” The invitee cried in cheerfulness. “I said cuddle not knock me out.”

Hyunjin patted the other person’s hair sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“There goes our peaceful night.” Came a gruff voice from one of the soft beige couches in the makeshift living room. 

“Oh, liven up, Changbin.” The man with the reading glasses laughed. 

“Yeah, Changbin!” Another with neck length jet black hair taunted. “Who’s up for A Silent Voice? I think if watch it and cry, we’ll feel warmer.”

“Or our tears will freeze on our cheeks.” A red head commented.

“Shut up, Seungmin.” The one from before retorted.

“Okay, how about this?” A new voice interrupted the feud. “How about…we all shut the fuck up and let Minho sleep.”

“Yeah, I like the sound of that. Let’s play the Everyone Shut The Fuck Up game. And the, If You Don’t, Changbin Will Put You In A Headlock will be the punishment!” Changbin spoke from the corner of the living room area on the bus. 

It was large, to say the least. There were four bedrooms, each with adequate bunk beds. The eight travelers shared three rooms while the two drivers, male and female, shared the last one for when they were parked off the side of the road and sleeping — hardly ever since it was a shift routine. 

A living room, kitchen, smoke room for the unbelievably large stash Hyunjin had so kindly brought — it was more like a utility closet but all eight of them could fit in there and there was a large window kindly left there which was always left open — and bathrooms in each room, plus an extra one next to the smoke room, the whole tour bus experience. 

They’d been on the road for almost two weeks and the experience was immaculate, or so everyone else said. Jisung felt car sick most of the time. The first few days were spent with Seungmin, Jeongin and Felix raving about how cool it was to fly in a private jet and all the pictures they took. And then they saw the bus and how many modern amenities it had and lost it. 

Minho had quietly walked into the only room with normal beds and claimed it, Changbin following suit so they could room together. The rest of the rooming arrangements were left to a game of rock, paper, scissors where Chan, who always lost, had to room with Seungmin and Hyunjin and Felix, who always won, chose Jeongin and Jisung. It was fun, and they were having a great time. 

Their drivers were Pierre and Siki, a French-Nigerian couple who seemed to enjoy being on the road as much as the boys. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when they’d parked for the night, the couple would join them in the living room and share a couple of beers and stories. It was nice. It was easy to say they’d all gotten a little closer over time,

Even Changbin was discreetly enjoying himself, although he would never admit it as he enjoyed the special treatment Chan and Jisung gave him every-time he acted grumpy because they genuinely believed he didn’t want to be there.

But, although it was all fun and games, there was something his eagle eyes could never miss, and it was the kind and gentle way Felix interacted with Jisung. And normally, their sudden friendship, the delicacy with which Felix dealt with Jisung and the hushed whispered they shared, should’ve arose some kind of terrible, bitter feeling in Changbin but it did not. 

The peculiar behaviour only made him wonder why Felix thought Jisung needed to be treated so delicately and why Jisung actually responded better to Felix’s fragility.

Han Jisung was, quite possibly, the strongest, bravest person Changbin had ever met. He never dwelled on feelings too long and he was always quick to pack up and leave situations that would be hard for others. He was confrontational, a bull-by-the-horn kind of guy. 

So why did he melt and look like he was at home whenever Felix touched him, or glanced at him with those soft, knowing eyes. 

Changbin had been looking for opportunities to ask or even talk it out with Chan, to at least validate himself enough to know he wasn’t the only one seeing these things. But with so many other people always in their space, Changbin was left no other choice but to let it go and decide it was all in his head. 

“I know a game we can actually play.” Felix announced.

“Yes, a non-violent game idea from Felix.” Jisung cheered. 

A cute giggle broke through the howling of the wind. “I have a few ideas. Fictional Families, Six Degrees of Separation, Explain a Film Plot Badly—”

“Oh, I like that one. It sounds fun. What do we do?” Jeongin chimed in, eyes wide in anticipation. 

“Uh, basically, someone explains the plot of a movie very badly and everyone else has to guess what movie it is.” Felix explained. 

“I’m down for that.” Hyunjin said, then in a mischievous tone. “How about, to make things more interesting, anyone who guesses wrong has to take a shot.”

Collective groans rang out in the space. Hyunjin had wanted to know the reason for their reaction. 

“Why does everything always have to involve getting intoxicated with you, Hyunjin?” Chan asked, faux exasperated. 

“Because nothing is fun when you’re sober.” The tomato-head winked, quickly rushing towards the kitchen area to gather drinks and cup. “Alright, we’re ready.” He said once everything was settled. 

“Who’s going first?” Chan asked. 

“I’ll go.” Jeongin declared, rubbing his hands together. “Okay, boy falls in love with father’s assistant, boy charms assistant into having sex, assistant leaves, boy cries a lot.” 

“Oh! Is it I Didn’t Do It?” Jisung asks, surety in his voice. 

Jeongin faked a buzzer sound. 

“Elites?” Seungmin tried. 

Another no. 

“Uh, Felix! Call Me By Your Name.” Felix supplied, clapping excitedly. 

“Correct!” Jeongin grinned. 

“Okay, what the hell, how were we supposed to know that?” Minho groaned in annoyance. 

“Yeah, I’ve never heard that movie in my life.” Hyunjin supported. 

“And on a side note, this whiskey tastes like shit.” Seungmin grimaced as he dropped his shot glass. 

Han shrugged. “I like it.”

“Okay, it’s my turn.” Felix shushed them. “A boy befriends bearded rabbit and two gay robots, goes into space, songs his sister and kills his dad.” 

Chan scoffed theatrically. “Easy. Star Wars.” 

“That is correct!” Felix reached over to give Chan a high-five, bright smiles on both their faces. 

“Alright.” Chan began. “Random boy with lightening on his head gets invited to be a wizard, battles bald, noseless man, his pet snakes and teacher with unhealthy obsession with his mom.” 

“Harry Potter!” 

The night proceeded in that manner. The eight kids entertained themselves until the bus began to move and they decided to play the childrens game I Spy, where they would alway blurt out, “I Spy something cold and white.” And everyone would have to make a guess that wasn’t snow. “Santa!”, “Cocaine,” —Hyunjin. All in all, it was fun. 

And by the time morning came, half of them were shit face drunk, with Seungmin and Changbin being the only sober ones. It was a fun time. 

While the others slept off their hangovers, Seungmin joined Changbin on one of the living room couches directly below a window and they watched the flakey forestry pass by in whips. Seungmin was reading Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights while Changbin sipped on his hot chocolate peacefully. 

“That’s a great book.” He commented after a beat of silence. “I read the Korean version online.”

Seungmin’s eyes studied Changbin’s from the round, thick glasses perched on his small nose. “Did you enjoy it?” 

“Very much. It brought out varying emotions in me.” He joked, taking a small sip from the mug and staring at the marshmallows floating in the sea of brown. “How far into it are you?”

“Almost done. Heathcliff is dead already.” He brought the book to his lap, resting on the page he hadn’t finished. 

“Ah, so you’ve been through most of the chaos. Tell me,” Changbin leaned in, “do you believe Heathcliff to be the monster everyone says he really is? Or is he just a man riddle by segregation, internalized hate and the painful realization that that which he wants will never be his.”

“Objectively, I believe that what everyone who reads this book want you to think. That Heathcliff is just a “Devil Daddy.” As his son put it. But subjectively, I can understand his insecurities and the anger towards Catherine, Edgar, himself. I empathize with the fact that he felt defenseless all his life and craved some semblance of control. But…”

“But?” 

“His toxicity cannot be excused. He was a large, misunderstood devil. And it’s painful, in it’s all, all the changes, all the evil names he had to be addressed by simply because he was a young boy who was not given the privilege to feel, yet, one could argue that Catherine had seen as much evil as he, and in all her confusion and youthful selfishness, had never destroyed as much as one person the way Heathcliff did tens, had not driven a man to madness, to take his own life the way he did, had not had the mischievousness inbred from their early days as children and had not caused merely a quarter of the suffering that he did.” Seungmin concluded. 

“But then again, we all have committed atrocities that quite never could be atoned for so I simply read as a passerby and not a hand of god, because to judge these characters so deeply would be to ignore the stinging pain from the log of wood in my own eye.” He picked up the book again and adjusted the glass on his nose. 

Changbin stared dumbly, or perhaps in a mixture of awe and understanding. 

“Drink your chocolate,” Seungmin said, nodding towards the long forgotten beverage. “It’s getting cold.”

He brought the mug to his lips and sipped the lukewarm drink. Another silence descended on them when Changbin decided he wanted to make an effort. 

“Chan said you’re moving to America in a couple of months. What are you going to do there?” 

“School.” He shrugged, taking his eyes off the book for only a moment. “I realised my parents were right about me wasting my potential.”

“Oh? They didn’t like you working at the cafe?” He leaned forward subconsciously, interested. 

“That’s a PG13 way to put it.” Seungmin sighed and closed the book. “Anyway, after much nagging, I finally applied for full scholarship to some hotshot school in the States. I honestly didn’t expect to get in, just wanted to get them off my back. But then they offered me admission for business studies with international law as a minor and now, it doesn’t sound half bad.”

“Wow, that’s huge.” The interested listener supplied. 

“I guess. It’s scary, too. But I think not getting in and having to face my parents would’ve been scarier.” He sighed and threw his head back. “I don’t know, I’ve lived here all my life and I don’t want to be the foreign kid who everyone makes fun of with these weird inside jokes I’ll never get.”

Changbin set his mug down just so he could squeeze Cherry-Head’s shoulder comfortingly. 

“You could end up being that. America is a scary place. But the beauty is that you get to craft the personality you want. Change in scenery always comes with change in you as well. So you could go there and make them feel you’re the new kid who everyone can make fun of and make up inside jokes about or you can get in there and let them know on the very first day that you are not fucking around.” He chuckled awkwardly, removing his lingering hand from Seungmin’s shoulder. 

“Sorry, I’m not really good with the motivational talk, that’s Chan. But if you understand what I mean—”

“—I understand.” Seungmin interrupted with a kind smile. “Thanks, Changbin.” 

A flustered shrug was his reply. 

“So, you, Chan and Jisung. That’s really interesting, I mean to even think how the poly relationship came about. Does anyone ever get jealous? If you’re comfortable with answering.” Seungmin blanched at the end. 

A dismissive wave. “It’s fine. Actually, no. It’s like when a mother actually loves her children equally. Like, you know when you get a new pet or do something you’re really proud of and you just want everyone to see? That’s kinda how it is with us. We’re actually really proud to be with each other and we love it when each person gets the love and affection they need because it’s like, look at my boyfriend, isn’t he so cute? That kind of scenario.” 

Although Changbin had said it was fine, he was a blushing mess by the time he’d finished his explanation. 

“Where did you guys meet?” Seungmin asked. 

“They met me, actually. Jisung and Chan had already been friends for seven whole years before they met me. Chan was newly appointed CEO and Jisung had heard one of my tapes on SoundCloud so he contacted me to know if I would be available to audition for a solo act. Funny story, Chan had actually hated me during the first period of us meeting because he thought I was flirting with Jisung — well, I was but I was flirting with him too but he was too oblivious.” He chuckled fondly at the memory and missed the way Seungmin stared at him, as if he was counting the stars in his eyes, knowing of the love Changbin felt for those two. 

“So, anyway, after a confrontation in front of Jisung, we sorted our feelings out and the rest is history, I guess.” He shoved his face deep into the material of his hoodie and pulled the strings, attempting to wait out the burning on his cheeks. 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. It’s honestly endearing, seeing you talk about them like this, seeing how much you love them.” Seungmin reached over to smoothen the creases from the hood and let it fall back behind his neck. 

“Okay, whatever! Enough love talk. Care to join me to make breakfast? I only know how to make one thing but I’m feeling generous today.” He hoisted himself up and extended his hand. 

“Lucky for you,” Seungmin said, as he took it, “I’m greatly skilled in the art of not burning down the kitchen.” 

They shared a laugh before advancing to the cooking area. 

It took the others a little more time to wake up, with the exception of Felix who was just around the corner, unintentionally eavesdropping on the conversation Cherry-Head and Brunette had. 

They had woken up earlier and were just rounding the corner when they’d caught on to their conversation about Changbin’s love life. They were too anxious to reveal themself and end the heartfelt bonding time, and worst still, put all the attention on them. So they stood frozen in between the space where the rooms ended and the living room and they had unintentionally heard all the kind words Changbin had to say about both his lovers. 

Which instilled confusion in them because if Changbin was this kind and loving towards them, why then did Jisung always loathe going home after a day at Rue? It would make no sense if this amount of care awaited him. 

Perhaps, Jisung had fallen in love with both men and that was where the hesitance came from. But, Felix thought, he wasn’t that kind of person. Over the time he’d studied the boy, he’s noticed that he was mostly very upfront about how he felt and he wouldn’t string two poor boys along for the fun of it. 

Besides, Jisung didn’t appear uncomfortable in the company of his lovers. As a matter of fact, he gave back the same amount of affection. So if it wasn’t them specifically he was afraid of, then what was it? They weren’t going to pry because it wasn’t their business but Felix knew there was more to it than they were seeing and they genuinely hoped this small break Chan had provided would give Jisung enough strength to solve whatever ailed him. 

He returned to his room and only came back out when Changbin and Seungmin had woken them for breakfast.

They’d driven for sometime before the car pulled into the large space of a beautiful encompassment and after finding a spot, the car rolled to a stop. A few seconds later, the couple emerged from the drivers side. 

“Alright, we’re here. First stop of the trip. The Hillside Village of Gamecheon.” Pierre announced, voice lively.

“We’re in Busan?” Jeongin asked, glowing eyes and all. 

Chan nodded. “We’re only gonna be here a couple of days before we’re off to Jeonju.”

“That is so cool! You know, fun fact, I was born here, moved when I was eleven to Italy and then back to South Korea. Although I’ve never been to the hillside village.” The youngest explained, literally quaking in his boots. 

“Which will just make the trip that much more exciting!” Chan laughed. “We’ll hit the beach and check out the resort we booked. We’ll also visit the Beomeosa Temple and Jagalchi market so everyone get your cameras out like real tourists!”

They filed out of the bus, leaving the drivers, who’d insisted on staying back, behind. The Hillside Village was colorful and white with flakes of snow, although the cold did nothing the quiet the business all around. They’d brought wristbands at the entrance to signify that they’d paid and they decided to split in groups to enjoy a better experience and meet back at the beach in the evening. 

Changbin had rented two huts so it was four to a room. He took the one with his boyfriend’s and Jeongin while Minho and Hyunjin shared with Seungmin and Felix. Each hut had two bedrooms and double beds, although he’d rented one with a king sized bed for him and his lovers while Jeongin would take the other bedroom.

The huts were large, en-suite modern little things but with the feel of ancient Korea. There were writings on the walls, scrolls as directions and paper maps to really give them that exploration feel. 

Seungmin, Changbin and Jeongin headed towards the market. Chan went with Felix and Minho to the temple while Jisung and Hyunjin visited the Korean version of Santorini. 

“Wow!” Jeongin muttered for the umpteenth time as they explored the bright market place.  “Look, that restaurant sign says they’ll cook up whatever we buy!”

Although they had just eaten breakfast, none of them could deny Jeongin from the experience. They ignored most of the sellers appealing to them by naming what they sell and how little price was needed to purchase it. 

They approached a fish pond and Seungmin, being the business person, had a little back and forth with the owner bargaining a specific price and quantity and he eventually won, having them bagged and paid for, hurrying to the restaurant. 

Jeongin bounded in front of them, almost bursting from anticipation. Changbin had to reach forward to stop him bumping into many other tourists and manufacturers until they reached the restaurant and had to wait for their dish to be prepared. 

Meanwhile, Chan, Felix and Minho were having a more laidback tour. They’d joined a guide group to explore the insides of the ancient temple, listening intently and taking pictures of the beautiful scenery. 

Their guide, Choi Nam-suk, described what some of the artifacts represented, the Great War and how the warriors used to come to pray to the idols for perseverance and strength, a whole history of Korea that they did not know existed. 

Felix took pictures of everything and everyone. It was a hobby they were good at and they’d managed to capture ethereal pictures of their friends. Chan and Minho attempted to take good photos of them but they eventually had to pay an on-site photographer after they all came out wrong. 

Once the tour was over a couple of hours later, they visited a restaurant close by to quench their hunger. They walked around a little more before Chan texted the group to meet them at the beach. 

By the time Jisung and Hyunjin got the text, they already were on the cliff side village, staring at the landscape that stretched in beautiful pigments all around, snow falling on their heads and the houses and people below as they played Fictional Families, where they had to guess the private lives of tourists they spotted below. 

“I bet she’s thinking, ‘I can’t wait for this to be over so I can go back to my sister’s and catch a break for this loser. He’s lucky we have our daughter because I’m only doing this for her.” Hyunjin laughed, pointing at a woman who, even from so far, they could see she wasn’t having a good time. 

“And he’s thinking, ‘I’m so glad I decided to come here, she’s having such a great time!’”

They shared a long laugh, attracting a number of eyes. Then a sigh and they leaned on the railing again, a short silence descending on them before Hyunjin cast his eyes to the sky, throwing his head back. 

“I’m glad I came here.” He muttered. 

Jisung turned to him and said nothing. 

“I feel like, if I’d stayed…home one more day, I would’ve gone insane.” He let out a bitter chuckle then turned to Jisung. “The air is so much clearer here, isn’t it?”

“It feels lighter.” Jisung agreed, inching a bit closer.

“It’s been so fun up until now, I just know it’ll hurt when it all ends.”

Jisung hadn’t really thought about the trip ending but as he swelled on it, he realised how quickly two months could just up and disappear. He smiled softly. 

“It probably will, won’t it? Might be hard to go back to a mundane city life, after seeing all the beauty everywhere else can offer.” He inhaled deeply. “Even a souvenir can only hold so many memories.”

Hyunjin spared him a meaningful look. “Are you ever going to tell them?” He asked without looking over at Jisung. 

A little startled, the shorter one asked. “Tell who what?”

“Chan and Changbin.” Hyunjin didn’t waste a second. “You’re hiding something from them and from the looks of it, it’s eating you up, too. Are you ever going to tell them?”

Jisung looked away into the snowy scenery. “You’re out of your mind, Hwang.”

Hyunjin chuckled. “Maybe. But one thing my sanity knows is that if you don’t communicate and get it over with now, it’ll be worse when it builds up and spills over. And by then, there’ll be no guarantee that they’d still stay.”

Before Jisung could think of something clever to respond with, Hyunjin was already checking his phone after a notification popped up. 

“Come on, Lover Boy. Your boyfriend wants us at the beach.”

The beach wasn’t too occupied. They had ordered some drinks from the resort and took to lounging around like some rich blokes on vacation. Jeongin and Felix were chatting their heads off, Minho was arguing with Chan about something Changbin could barely hear, Seungmin had started on a new book and Hyunjin and Jisung busied themselves in the freezing water. 

Changbin was sprawled on one of the beach chairs, trying to block the evening sun from his face, even as his visor was doing nothing to help. He was trying to figure out why his heart felt like it’d dropped to his chest as the uneasiness that had settled in his mind increased. 

He watched Jisung and Hyunjin in the water for a while and couldn’t help but think he hadn’t seen his boyfriend smile that hard in a while, especially at him. Jisung looked like he was having fun, genuinely and Changbin was a little sad that he hadn’t seen the doped up look in a while.

And the night before, too, after they’d all gotten drunk, Jisung had preferred to sleep in the living room alone. Usually, he was very touchy when intoxicated but, the more Changbin thought about it, the more it felt like Jisung was genuinely and purposefully ignoring him, ignoring them. 

And it’d been going on for a while but he’d only recently noticed on the trip, all cramped up together. 

Jisung was quick to do everything with everyone else but the moment Changbin or Ghan suggested something, he was either ‘tired’ or quiet. He’d finally realised. A thought on whether Chan has noticed or not plagued his mind but he was sure if Blondie had felt Jisung was acting any different, he would’ve brought it up by then. So it was just him. 

“Marco!” He heard Hyunjin shout, a distance away from Jisung who couldn’t seem to hold in his laughter. It was honestly endearing. 

“Polo!” Jisung shouted back. 

“Marco!” 

Minho had hoisted himself up and stripped until he was just in his briefs before extending an arm to Chan who look hesitant. 

“Come on!” He urged. “We didn’t come to the beach to lay in the snow.” 

“But it’s freezing!” Chan argued. 

Rolled eyes greeted him and he sighed, knowing Minho wouldn’t agree to a no. Jeongin also joined them excitedly. 

“Yes! I love the idea of swimming in the snow and freezing to death.”

Very soon, everyone was invited and as much as Changbin wanted to disagree, once Chan had looked at him with those bright, excited eyes, he couldn’t say no. After all, those eyes had been what had convinced Seungmin and Felix.

They were a bunch guys and Felix in their underwear, rushing towards the freezing water so of course they gathered some looks. Minho had led them to some low cliffs to make the experience even more fun. He excitedly ran towards the edge of the cliff.

“Minho, wait, be careful—” Chan could not finish before he was interrupted.

“Incoming!” Minho shouted before diving into the water. 

Chan had screamed and rushed to see what became of him when his screams had died out only to sigh in relief when he saw his head break out of the water. 

“Outgoing!” Jeongin, who was pulling Felix and Seungmin along, exclaimed. 

“No, Jeongin! You can just—” the youngest trio had jumped in before Chan could finish. 

A stressed sigh escaped Chan as he rubbed the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Changbin laughed quietly. 

“Come on, you wusses!” He heard from below. Minho. 

“Yeah, we can’t wait forever!” Jeongin. 

“Hurry up, grandpas.” Hyunjin. 

Chan shook his head. “I am going to defenéstrate their disrespectful asses.”

Changbin laughed lightly, walking carefully to join Chan at the edge. “We’ll need to get into the water first.”

His boyfriend turned to him with a loving gaze and grabbed his hand tightly. “Ready?”

“With you? Always.” 

They shared a chaste kiss before running forward and becoming one with the falling air. Their screams had roughened their throats and mixed in with the splashing of water and before they knew it, the icy liquid swallowed them whole. A few seconds later, they emerged. 

“Whoo!” Chan shouted in glee, splashing around for Changbin’s hand and when he found it, he pulled their bodies close together. “That was amazing!” 

Changbin looked up at him through wet hair stamped to his forehead and glossy eyelashes. Chan couldn’t help but think he was the most beautiful thing ever. He pulled their faces together.

“I love you.” He whispered into the kiss. 

Changbin had said it back and in that moment, it was only them. 

“Break it up, lovebirds.” Minho teased then poked Chan in the gut. “Tag, you’re it!”

“Tag, really?” Chan shouted at the receding figure. “You’re a child, a literal child.” And then with a glint of mischief, he turned to Changbin and poked him as well. “Tag, you’re it!”

“Wha…? Oh, come on!” Changbin flailed his flailed about, exasperated. 

After that, all that remained of them were happy laughs and good times. For a second there, Changbin actually forgot his initial worry, decided he was overreacting. Especially after Jisung had shared a soft smile with him. But the insecurities all came back when it was the to swim back to the shore. 

“Jisung, do you—” he’d started, but the boy had already hopped unto Minho’s back and was been led out of the water. “—dry off together?” 

His former happiness deflated. He turned to Chan to at least find some comfort but he was in a heated discussion about something Australian with Felix. Changbin sighed, melancholic.

The evening went on quickly and soon enough they had to check in before the resort closed. They bid each other good night through snotty noses and before he knew it, Chan was locking the door to their bedroom behind him. 

“Whoa, this bed is huge!” Jisung bellowed as he jumped headfirst unto the white sheets. 

“Ah, Jisung, shoes off first!” Chan scolded with a light grin. 

“Sorry, dad!” Came the retort. 

“It’s daddy to you!” Chan had countered. 

Or maybe his words were different, Changbin had tuned out as he slugged his way to his bag in the closet to grab clean clothes and take a shower. Once under the hot water, all he could think about was what he thought was coming. 

Perhaps, Jisung had fallen out of love with him…them (?). No, he still interacted normally with Chan so he’d probably only stopped loving Changbin. And, Chan loved Jisung more, Changbin felt. After all, they’d already known each other before they met him. So if Jisung said he didn’t want Changbin in the relationship anymore, Chan would surely listen. 

He tried his hardest not to think about it but he was sure what was going to happen; they were going to break up with him. 

Maybe it was because he didn’t give enough affection. Should he start kissing them everytime he sees them? No, that would come off as desperate. Then what?

He couldn’t seem to think of a solution no matter how much his brain whirred and Changbin was just so utterly in love with both men that the mere thought of them not wanting him anymore had him feeling choked up.

He turned off the shower and left once it seemed that he’d taken way too much time.

By the time he re-emerged in his night clothes, Chan had already set up the movie for the night and waited, with Jisung in his arms, for him so they could start. He clamored in m, sandwiching Jisung in the middle. The said boy offered him a kind smile but he couldn’t miss how he flinched a little. 

He gave a fake smile and returned his blurry eyes to the television. They were watching a Kdrama, one of their favourite series, World of the Married. They’d picked up where they left off and even with how into it Chan seemed, Changbin couldn’t focus for more than a second. 

He felt shuffling under the blanket and soon felt a small intertwine with his. He looked up to find Jisung smiling softly as he nodded towards the tv. Changbin relaxed a bit, only to ward the suspicion off him. 

But even the kind, fake smile from the love of his life could do little to fight the doubts brewing in his head. 

•••

The next time Changbin felt that overwhelming wave of insecurity, they’d already been on the road half the duration of their trip. 

For the most part, Jisung had been acting seemingly normal, seeming to catch on to Changbin’s growing suspicion. The older man had our off telling Chan how he felt for the longest but after their visit to Seoraksan National Park, he found that he couldn’t hide it any longer. 

Jisung had been doing so well the beginning of their five day hike but suddenly he’d come off trail with Felix for a couple of hours and by the time he’d come back to their campsite, he had red puffy eyes, shaking hands and Felix’s arm refused to change its position from over his shoulder. 

Changbin had waited for Chan to say something but he’d only cocked an eyebrow and went back to roasting his s’mores. That had to be the last straw.

That night, after a smoke session hosted by Hyunjin, everyone had settled into their individual tents, other than Changbin. He sat outside, in the quiet cold, watching as the last of the fire burned itself out, kissed to death by the white that continued to fall inside. 

He’d been there so long, he’d forgotten he was freezing, only realising when Chan slid a think comforter around his shoulders, wrapping him up in the warm material. He looked up at his boyfriend who, for a second, he was unable to tell apart from the snow — or maybe it was his blonde hair.

He muttered his thanks and looked into the deep forest while Blondie settled beside him. 

“What are you doing out here, Bin? It’s freezing.” Chan muttered, rubbing his hands together and watching wisps of his breath materialize in front of him. 

“Just thinking. Go inside, you’re going to catch a cold.” He answered. Chan was always prone to sickness out in the cold. In the past, he and Jisung had choked about the possibility of putting him in bubble wrap. 

“Yeah, and it’ll be all your fault. So you better hurry up and tell me what you’re thinking about before I get sick.” Chan teased, although his words were followed by a small sneeze. 

Changbin sighed. “It’s stupid.”

“My New Years resolution is to hear one stupid thing before February next year, and look, I’m already achieving my dreams.” Chan joked, nudging his boyfriend slightly from inside his own warm blanket. 

A tiny smile cracked Changbin’s demeanor. “Are you going to break up with me?”

Chan’s eyes widened and he seemed to do a double take. “What? No! Why would you — why would you even think that, Binnie?”

A shrug. “I told you it was stupid.” 

“No.” Chan shook his head. “I wanna know why that would even cross your mind, angel.”

It was silent after that and Chan patiently waited until Changbin looked like he was ready to talk. Tears stood in his eyes, refusing to break the gate past his eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” He murmured. “I’ve just felt so— I can’t even explain. These past few weeks, I kept picking up on things it felt like only me could see. And I swear, I tried to convince myself I was overreacting for the longest time, especially since you never noticed but I can’t get the thought out of my head that you and Ji are somehow tired of me. I feel like you’re both just accommodating at this point.”

The tears finally ventured beyond their cage and ran for freedom down his face. 

“No…baby I-” Chan paused. “I could never, in my entire life, grow tired of you. When I said for life, I meant it. I want to marry you someday and have as many kids as we want because I know that even if you pretend to hate them, you’d love a kid of your own.”

Chan wiped his frozen tears softly and snd smiled and Changbin chuckled past a sniffle. 

“You,” he reached over to place a gentle kiss on his forehead, his boyfriend’s eyes fluttering shut, a satisfied shudder leaving his lips. “Are,” A kiss between his eyes. “The love,” his right cheek. “Of my,” His left cheek. “Life.” 

He pressed a chaste, loving and slow kiss against Changbin’s lips, waiting for little time for his boyfriend to kiss back, contentedly. 

“I don’t want you to forget it, okay?” Chan said as he pulled back. Changbin nodded. “I need you always.”

As Changbin was speechless and the soaring wind and rustling of leaves were their only company, he decided to utter the words to one of Changbin’s favourite song, their song. 

“But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm, if your cascade ocean wave blues come. All these people think love's for show but I would die for you in secret,” he sang lowly, softly, not missing the pigment of red that followed his words, intensified by the cold. 

“The devil's in the details but you got a friend in me.” Changbin continued. “Would it be enough, if I could never give you peace?”

Chan smiled softly. Although he was a famous rapper, Changbin’s heavenly singing voice was something that he only reserved for his lovers and Chan was glad, too because it always felt like a treat whenever Changbin serenaded them. 

“I love you, okay?” He stated just as he kissed Changbin’s forehead again. “And I’m never leaving you, not even after a hundred years. You’re stuck with me. Us.”

The brunette allowed a smile spread over his face, even though it hurt through all the frozen tears and biting cold. He reached over to squeeze Chan’s thigh as a mute show of gratitude. 

Chan extended black painted fingers from a manicure he’d gotten at an off-road salon a couple of days back. “Let’s get you inside. Oh and any the way, I’m probably going to be sick for the next few days and you’ll have to baby me.” 

Changbin stuck his tongue out and grabbed the older one’s hand. “Jokes on you, I’d enjoy that.” 

Just as they were about to make it inside, Changbin decided it was a good time to blurt it out or he’d never get the courage to talk about it. 

“Chan?” He started, once they’d reached the door of their tent. 

“Yeah?” Blondie answered. 

“I think Jisung is hiding something from us.”

A HEAVEN EVEN GOD WOULD BE JEALOUS OF.

                          Chan had first noticed the days leading to their arrival at Busan but it only started to hurt when on their second day at Jeju Island.

Jisung had more or less been ignoring them. He’d chosen Felix for everything; rooming, exploration and everything that the tour was about. Chan had funded the trip in hopes that they could make connections with people he felt would make great friends and also to strengthen the bond between himself and his lovers and lately, it felt more like he was only dating Changbin than being in a polyamorous relationship. 

He and Changbin and shared a number of knowing looks everytime Jisung unknowingly did something hurtful and it was even more painful for his younger boyfriend who was so sure Jisung was going to break up with them. 

For the most part, everyone else seemed to be having fun on the trip. Minho and Hyunjin, although they tried to hide it, looked like they had something a little more than friendship going on and Seungmin had finally felt comfortable enough to joke around and communicate like friends, even though he appeared a lot closer to Jeongin and Changbin. 

Truthfully, Chan was glad that they’d come on the trip. He’d made more friends in these people than the ones who were his actual friends. He had fun, he bonded with them and Changbin and it opened his eyes to know that his boyfriend was right, Jisung was hiding something from them and with the trip coming to a close in less than five days, he was determined to find out what. 

They’d booked a hotel close to the sea and made a reservation in one of the five star restaurants overlooking the sea. Felix was most excited to take pictures of them all amidst the scenery. 

But before they could lodge and have dinner, Jisung rented two Chevy Jeeps to drive around the snowy roads to discover hotspots and fuel Felix’s photography inspiration. Chan wanted to surf the icy waters and Changbin had to physically hold him back from buying a surf board. 

By that time, they had gone through most of their food supplies and Changbin didn’t want to spend anymore on additional expenses, he was glad they would drive to an airport and have the jet pick them up while Siki and Pierre preferred to drive all the way back, a little road trip of their own. 

“Radio roulette!” Felix had declared into the walkie talkie they’d purchased and shared in order for the two cars to communicate, the moment they got on the road.

“Radio roulette?” Minho, the driver of the second car tailing them from behind, asked. 

“Yeah, shuffle the radio every so often so we’ll get to hear some new music. In the mean time, who wants to play a game?” They’d asked, face leaning on their folded arms out the window as the cool breeze whipped through their hair, listening to the Korean country music that had come on.

“You never run out of games, do you?” Chan snickered in amusement from the drivers seat. 

“Not my fault so many fun road-trip games exist.” Felix smiled brightly, widely. “I have a couple of options.” They spoke into the walkie. “Jeongin, tell me which one sounds better. Would You Rather, Human Jukeboxes, Don’t Say It, 21 Questions or never have I ever?”

There was a bit of crackling and static on the other end before Jeongin’s voice came one. “What’s Would You Rather about, over!” 

Felix just about passed out from too much laughter. “Just think of two really hard, strange or disgusting options and as whoever you want to choose. Example; Chan, would you rather never see again or be the last man on earth?”

He brought the talkie to Chan’s mouth to get an answer. And without removing his eyes from the road, Chan spoke. 

“I’d rather never see again, over!” 

“Let’s play that one, sounds fun!” Jeongin decided from the other car. “Minho, would you rather drink a glass of vomit once or burp every time someone says your name?”

“I’d rather feed you a glass of vomit for asking such a disgusting question.” Minho deadpanned, not missing a beat. 

A series of laughs and Jeongin could only whine. 

“Come on, you have to answer the question. It’s for the game.”

Chan heard Minho sigh but knowing him for as long as he had, he was sure the man had rolled his eyes as well. A tiny smile danced on his face. 

“Fine. I’d rather burp because it’s considerably less disgusting that drinking a glass of vomit? How did you even come up with that.” He answered gruffly. 

“But burping every time someone says Minho is embarrassing.” Hyunjin, who was at the back seat of Chan’s jeep along with Changbin, groaned into his talkie. 

“And someone finding out you’ve once drank vomit isn’t?” Minho retorted. 

“Fair point. My turn!” Hyunjin declared, even though no one had decided the turns. “Felix! Would you rather wear the same pair of underwear for a week or wear your mother’s clean underwear for a day?”

“What kind of question is that?” The said person groaned. 

“One that requires an answer.” A permanent smirk resided on Hyunjin’s face. 

“Ugh.” Felix paused. “I guess if the underwear is clean—”

“Ew! Felix!” Minho did not hesitate to break through the silence. 

“Felix, how could you! This is the betrayal of the century. You’re willing to sacrifice the boundaries between mother and son for some clean underwear?” Jeongin, even through all the static, sounded hurt and pained. 

“What!” Felix defended. “It’s just a game, it’s not I would wear her underwear in real life.”

“It’s the thought, Lix. It’s the thought.” Hyunjin answered with an evil smile. 

Felix slumped into their seat and Chan couldn’t help himself as he grabbed a walkie from the dash board and spoke into it. 

“He’s sulking.” He declared to the group. 

“Aw, it’s okay Felix. We still love you, mom panty fetish and all.” Seungmin teased, a light laugh in his tone. 

“Fine, Seungmin, since you can talk. Would you rather lick the bottom of a stranger’s shoe or have your best friend spit in your mouth?” Felix asked mischievously.

A chorus of ‘Oh’s and ‘Ew’s rang out. 

“Fuck you, Felix.” Seungmin complained. “I am so not answering that.”

“Answer the question, answer the question!” Minho began a chant which was soon followed up by everyone. 

“This is peer pressure.” Seungmin shouted over the chaos before relenting. “Fine! I don’t know what in the BDSM kink but I guess best friend spit.” 

“Ewwws” rang out from every corner of the walkie. 

“Wha…? You literally forced me to answer. What, did you expect me to lick the under of a shoe where god knows where it’s been!” 

“If it makes you feel better, Minnie.” Jeongin laughed cutely. “I would gladly spit in your mouth.”

There were mixed reactions to that statement but all in all, Chan was able to reduce the noise quickly and effectively. 

“Hyunjin, would you rather have nipples for toes or toes for nipples?” Changbin chimed in. 

“What are these questions?” Hyunjin demanded, exasperated.

“Come on! Answer!” Changbin berated. 

“It’s okay, baby.” Minho said into the walkie. “You’ll still be sexy either way.” 

No one in Chan’s jeep missed the dark red blush that travelled across Hyunjin’s face. They had oohed like high schoolers, making the red head blush even harder. 

“Uh, nipples for toes, I guess. No one’s going to want to fuck you if you have toes as nipples.” He bargained, seeming to be satisfied with his answer. 

“What about if your partner has a food fetish?” Seungmin tried. 

“Yeah, wouldn’t it be just like sucking on boobs if they tried to suck on your toes?” Jeongin added, a trail of mischief in his voice. 

“They’re just gonna have to adjust! I stand by what I said.” Hyunjin decided, crossing his arms with a huff and muttering something along the lines of how he could never win. 

Once the initial chatter at his reply had called down, Chan grabbed his talkie again, slowing down in order to ask. 

“Jisung,” he mentioned the name of the boy who’d been quiet the whole ride. “Would you rather lose someone you hurt so much because of lack of communication, or tell them the truth so they’ll understand.”

He felt Changbin hit his chair from behind but he didn’t mind. Their situation had been eating at him for a while and when Changbin had told him his suspicions at the national park, he couldn’t take it anymore. He’d been trying his best to keep it quiet but he was really getting in on his head. 

Jisung was quiet for a while and Chan thought he was never going to answer. Actually, the chatter had died down, anticipating what he was going to say. Chan could just about feel Changbin holding his breath. 

“I guess,” the boy started in a meek voice. “It depends on what the truth is and how much it’ll hurt them.”

Changbin was quick to snatch the walkie from Hyunjin’s hands. “But, if they love you they’ll understand, right?” 

“Not always. And really, you don’t expect them to. The truth is a painful thing and sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself.” He answered, tiredly. 

Both cars were stunned to silence at the conversation but Minho was quick to notice and take action, not wanting the rest to dwell on the words said for too long. Thankfully, a distraction had prepared itself and it was visible in the road ahead of them. 

“We’re here!” He declared. “Don’t forget to grab your coats!”

Less than two minutes later, they were piling out of the car and trudging towards the large, double doors of Jeju National Art Museum. Chan and Changbin intentionally fell back, letting the others walk up to the gate to get their passes. 

Chan looked at the brunette. “We have to talk to him.”

“I know.” Changbin nodded. “But what if he just needs space right now?”

“He’s had almost two months of it. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes, angel and I’d like to believe we deserve some answers, too. At the beginning of this relationship, we promised to communicate no matter what and I’m going to honour that promise.”

No more was said. They, too, got their tickets and hurried to catch up with their friends. The museum was large and beautiful, ostentatious pieces lining the walls. Most of the group had dispersed further down the space and only Minho lingered, waiting for them. 

They soon fell in tune and took to studying the gorgeous paintings on the wall. There was a donation box for charity going on a couple turns away and Chan made a mental note.

“So,” Minho started the conversation Chan was waiting for. “What was that all about? Back in the car?”

He didn’t have any judgment in his tone, only worry and curiosity. 

Chan shrugged. “Lover’s quarrel I guess you could say. We’re having a little thing going on right now but we’ll bounce back, we always do.”

He glanced at Changbin with a smile as he said this, squeezing his hand gently. He was rewarded a mirrored gesture from the younger man. 

“I know you will. But please, don’t try to force him to say it, when he’s ready. It’s clearly eating him up already.” Minho advised kindly. 

“We know. Thank you, Minho.” Changbin nodded in understanding. 

“Now! I didn’t want to ask about the you and Hyunjin situation—” Chan started. 

“Then by all means, don’t.” Minho joked, a fond smile appearing on his face afterwards. 

“I really didn’t expect you and Hyunjin…” Changbin left the rest hanging. 

Truthfully, they were an odd pair, always at each others throats. It took them such a long time to even be civil towards each other back at the company. 

“Trust me, I didn’t either but, you know. This trip has really opened my eyes to a lot of thing and I-” he cut himself off, avoiding eye contact even though Chan could still see he was flustered from the redness at the tip of his ear. “I really, really like him. He likes me too. We’re taking things slow for now but in really excited for our future.”

“Aww!” Chan and Changbin cooed. “That is so cute, Minho. I’m so happy for you.”

“Yeah, whatever, shut up!” Minho shook his head, walking faster than them. “Just go away. Go look at other art that isn’t me!”

“Later, lover boy!” Changbin shouted after him, making childish kissing noises that had Minho glaring at him. Then he grabbed Chan’s hand and ran the opposite way, both of them laughing as they did.

The museum trip was really refreshing and relaxing. Felix ran around just taking pictures of everyone and everything. He was so excited, and it was contagious.

“Chan, Changbin! I was looking for you guys! Come on, I saw this really beautiful piece that I think contrasts perfectly against your black demon clothes! I have to take a picture of you guys there!” That had been their first excuse to drag the couple to a particular spot and after that, it was all over the museum. 

Throughout the museum trip, Chan had noticed that Felix had just absolutely refused to hold eye contact. He was going to ask them what the matter was but they’d been him to it. 

“Are you guys okay?” Felix asked, gently, genuinely. 

They’d been boxed in by them at one end of the art museum where many eyes couldn’t find them. Chan didn’t play dumb. 

“Is it about Jisung?” He asked.

Felix nodded. 

Chan sighed. “We’re fine, nothing to worry about.”

“Did he say anything?” Changbin asked, hopefully. 

A shrug was their answer. “Jisung…he doesn’t really need to say anything. Have you noticed he’s really bad at hiding how he feels?”

Chan spared a breathy laugh. “Trust me, he’s gotten a lot better.” Then his eyes fluttered shit briefly and he pressed his teeth to his lower lip. “Am I a bad boyfriend for feeling angry, jealous that he doesn’t want to come to me with his problems?”

Felix shook their head. “I think it makes you human. And I may be a little cruel to ask this of you but please, just give him a little more time. I’m sure that’s all he needs.”

Time, time, time. 

Everyone requests time from Chan but the more of it that passes, the more it hurts. 

“Felix?” Came a distant voice. “I’ve been looking for you.”

It pained him to hear Jisung’s voice be so normal, unwavering as he wasn’t breaking their hearts by simply existing. And for the first time since they’d started seeing each other, Chan hated that voice. 

“Oh, hey.” The devil in question smiled sheepishly when his eyes landed on them. “I was just looking for Felix.”

“Well you’ve found them.” Chan replied, a little harsher than he intended. 

Jisung appeared visibly surprised. “Right.”

The atmosphere was so tense and awkward, even the jab Changbin had delivered to Chan’s side couldn’t be lopsided comical relief. Chan hosted stare down with Jisung and the other boy look incredibly uncomfortable. 

“You needed me?” Felix broke the the silence. 

“Oh, yeah.” Jisung blinked cartoonishly, a little shy now under scrutiny. “I actually wanted to show you this really pretty sculpture I saw.”

As they turned to leave, Felix threw them an apologetic smile and Chan hated the pity in his eyes. He felt red, hot shame and it was all Jisung’s fault. 

“Hanji,” Changbin stopped them. “Uh, do you want to go for a walk by the river later tonight?”

A hesitant expression and Jisung looked like he didn’t know how to answer the sudden question.

“Ugh, it’s a yes or no question.” Chan spoke in annoyance. 

“Shut up, Chan.” Changbin stage whispered, turning to Jisung with an awkward smile. “It’s okay if you aren’t up for it.”

“Thanks. I actually just planned on sleeping the night out.”

Changbin nodded in understanding. “That’s fine. Uh, enjoy your sculpture.”

As they rounded the corner, Chan couldn’t sworn he heard Felix ask something along the lines of; 

“Jisung, beautiful morning?” 

And Jisung had said nothing in return.

The second they were out of earshot, Changbin turned to Chan with an angry look. 

“What the hell was that!?” He asked harshly. 

“What? You’re mad at me? He literally just blew you off with an excuse that was obviously a lie.” Chan answered just as heated. 

“I wonder why. I hope it doesn’t have anything to do with you being rude and making him uncomfortable!” 

“Rude? He came to find Felix to show them something pretty even after he’s ignored us the majority of the trip. Forgive me if my patience can’t take the test.”

“Whatever, just—” Changbin pinched the bridge of his nose. “Promise me you’ll take it easy tonight when we talk to him.”

Chan was silent for a while but the pointed look from his boyfriend had him slumping his shoulder in defeat. 

“Fine.” He reluctantly agreed. “Now can we get out of here? I think we might miss our reservation and this place is making me feel sick.”

By the time they’d returned to their Jeeps, after Chan had donated to the charity fund, it was already nearing 5PM and they had to hurry to meet up their restaurant reservation. 

Chan had scolded Minho a couple of times, forcing him to drive slowly as they followed closely behind. “There’ll always be food but we don’t have two lives!” He’d said. 

“I’m so sorry, grandma. I don’t know why I’m acting like this, you raised me better.” Minho had retorted into the talkie and all Chan could do was laugh. 

They weren’t able to make any progress talking to Jisung but they’d reserved that one for their hotel room later that night. It was alright to just relax for a few hours before the confrontation and take in the scenery. 

By the time they got back to the restaurant, they were thirty minutes late but Jeongin had more or less bribed the owner so they would be allowed in, plus, they had with them one of South Korea’s best rapper and an awfully wealthy looking crew. 

They’d eaten their fair share of expensive food from expensive restaurants the duration of the trip but nothing could beat Jeju seafood and not even the large bill allocated once they’d eaten to their full could quench their hunger. They’d all chipped in to pay, even after Chan complained about how he could handle it. 

Eventually, they returned to their hotel where they would only be sleeping for a night before completing the rest of the trip towards Gangnam-du airport for the remainder of the five days. 

There was a small fireplace in the recreational room of the hotel and most of them lounged there for a while. After a couple of hours had passed, they bade each other farewell and returned to their respective rooms. Thankfully, Chan had strictly ordered Changbin to get all three of them a room all for themselves so there was a lot of privacy. 

While Changbin had gone to take a shower, as was routine after a long day, Chan pressed the button to turn on the fireplace and he close the curtains and dimmed the lights. Pros of modernity. 

He changed into something comfortable and settled with an uncomfortable Jisung in the master bed. He laid with his head facing the ceiling and sighed lowly, the sound of running water keeping him company. Jisung, too, said nothing. Eventually, Changbin finished freshening up. 

Chan didn’t know how to approach the subject but he was aware Changbin was counting on him to start as he busied himself with his skin care routine, standing in front of the large mirror next to one of the windows. 

“So,” he began, not missing the way Jisung winced in anticipation. “Changbin and I want to talk to you.”

He didn’t know the kind of reaction he was expecting but was satisfied when Jisung nodded and shuffled so he was sitting up and his back was pressed against the soft headboard. 

“Okay.” He nodded. 

“First off, we wanted to ask if you were okay.” Changbin stated in a calm voice, although his hands were trembling, he offered a gentle smile to ease Jisung’s worries. 

“I’m fine.” Another nod. 

“Okay, good.” Chan decided. “Because we’re not. And I’m sure you know why.”

Jisung cringed. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to spell it out for me.”

The anger that bubbled inside of Chan came so suddenly, he couldn’t seem to control his outburst. 

“Cut the shit!” He bellowed.

“Chan!” Changbin interrupted.

“What? He keeps acting coy and I’m not having it!” He replied in anger. 

“Yeah, but we promised we’d take it slow!” Changbin reminded, rushing over to the bed. “Come on, you promised me!”

“Well, shit. I’m sorry that I’m tired of him hurting us over and over and acting oblivious. I’m tired of seeing you cry when he blatantly chooses Felix or anyone else over us.” 

“Keep it down! We said this would be private.” Changbin whispered urgently, grabbing both of Bang Chan’s hands desperately in an attempt to silence him. 

“No one’s gonna hear, the walls are thick, doors are soundproof.” Chan replied harshly. 

“Come on, baby. This isn’t how we wanted this to go.” Changbin pleaded softly, tugging on the sleeve of Chan’s nightshirt.

Blondie sighed. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I just got so angry because it felt like he didn’t care. Does he even care? Do you? Do you care that Binnie had been crying himself to sleep the past week? Do you care that he was scared, scared to come up to you and ask himself because he felt you hated him? Do you care—”

“I do care!” Jisung cut in. 

“Then show it! Let us know! Allow us feel secure in this relationship, if it even is still that.”

“Stop it, Chan!” Changbin interrupted. “You can’t say shit like that, it’s really hurtful.”

“Well, fuck, Changbin, I’m hurt too!” Chan’s voice finally broke and so did he. He slumped on the bed. “It’s so stressful and I don’t even know what I did wrong.”

“I know, baby. But we have to approach this a certain way—”

“I feel like everything is falling apart and I can’t do anything to fix it or even try to stop it.” Chan interrupted. “We feel so different, this wasn’t what I wanted for us!”

“We can fix this if you just stop and listen! We can talk it out.”

Chan laughed bitterly, a harsh, forgotten sound. “Tell me, Changbin, how do you tell someone that the reason you’re sad is because you’re in love with them?”

Changbin turned red in the face. “Take it back! Take that fucking back!” He bellowed. “He’s not the only one at fault. How do you expect us to get through this if you’re not going to sit down and fucking listen!? You’re not the only one that’s hurt and you’re just spiraling everything out of control.”

Tears spilled from the brunette’s eyes and his voice crack painfully. He made to say more when a tiny voice broke through the chaos.

“They raped me!” Jisung, who’d been quiet and small ever since, finally blurted. 

A grave silence fell upon the room. 

Finally, in a pained voice, Changbin whispered, “What?”

It’d been quiet for too long, or for long enough for Chan to have hated himself in every single way possible. Jisung had silently broken down in Changbin’s arms and Chan was sure with each tear that slipped, both of them hated him even more. 

But even with his self hatred, he couldn’t help but feel anger, at himself for not being able to protect Jisung and at whoever had hurt him. He hated that he wasn’t truth worthy enough for Jisung to confide in.

He didn’t know what to do, what to say and thankfully Changbin broke the silence for him. 

“You don’t have to tell us.” He kindly said. 

Kind, what Chan should’ve been. 

“It’s okay.” Jisung sniffled after a while. “If I don’t say it now, I’ll never have the courage to say it again. And then, we’ll be ruined for sure.”

He took a deep breath and Chan held his in anticipation. 

“I only remember snippets.” He began. “I think my brain hates it so much, it tries to make me forget. But I can’t and no matter how I try to scrub off how intensely dirty I feel, how much I just want to take one extra nonprescribed pill because maybe it’ll feel better, it never does. And I’m left with the glaring hot shame.”

Chan wanted to say it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t have to feel that way but he knew that wasn’t what Jisung needed to hear. He wasn’t even sure he’d be able to form the words.

“You know, on the first day, I was actually excited. They’d treated me well and I’d felt all the anxiety just wash away. It’s funny because in that moment, I felt more at home there than with my own family.” He let out a harsh sound that resembled a laugh but Chan wasn’t sure. 

Family…

“But on the second day…” his voice failed him and Chan had to resist the urge to rub his back because Changbin was already doing it. “I can’t remember much but I know you guys had been out with your dads doing god knows what and I was sick from that godforsaken porridge.” 

Chan didn’t like where this was going and by the looks of it, neither did Changbin.

Nononononono. The only words that stood out in the fumbled static of pain and confusion in his mind.

“The three of us were home alone and they’d come into my room with some homemade soup, fussing about me and wanting to me to get better and in that moment, I couldn’t help but think how kind your moms were.”

“No! Fuck, please no!” Changbin interrupted. “Jisung, don’t tell me—”

The younger boy nodded solemnly, fresh set of tears falling from his eyes. 

“They forced me when I was vulnerable, when they knew I couldn’t fight tooth and nail to get out of there. I wanted to but my body wasn’t reacting and they had such upper body strength, you know. Maybe from all those days working on the field together.”

“Bear…” Chan managed to choke out. “Jisung, my—” he couldn’t say much before his voice failed him. 

“For a while, I thought I’d dreamed the whole thing. But I couldn’t forget the colour of their nails and that goddamned red door, the one in your room, Chan. It was there whenever I closed my eyes, in my dreams, in my chest.” 

The words had jumbled together because Chan didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear it even once. His painful sobs were ringing in his ear, his throat felt hoarse and dry but he hadn’t cried nearly enough. He felt so incredibly empty. His hands shook violently.

“I hated myself for so long and for a while, I hated you two, too. I’m sorry. I guess I just needed someone to blame for being so useless under them, for doing nothing but beg, begging them to stop. Over and over until I lost my voice.”

Jisung’s voice had lost any sound and all that could be heard in the room was wheezing, sobbing. Tears, tears, tears. Pain…

“Han.” Changbin sounded so desperately broken, Jisung had to reach over and squeeze his hand, smile at him. 

“And, I guess, it’s only when your boyfriend’s mothers assault you, you realise how much they look like their parents.”

“No!” Seemed to be the only words Chan was able to mutter. He didn’t want to believe it. Most of all, he didn’t want to believe how horribly he’d treated Jisung when the boy was struggling with demons as powerful as these.

“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be near you without hating myself, without feeling the need to throw up. And all the time I excused the sex was just because it brought back bad memories and I didn’t know how to tell you, especially when the old me used to practically beg for it.” He sighed softly, a pained smile on his face. 

“I wanted to stay the same. I had to, or else you’d get suspicious and we’d probably have fights. But in the midst of all the chaos, it still terrified me to lose you two because somewhere in there, I knew I loved you with my whole heart and if you left, I’d feel so alone.”

“So that’s why…” Chan choked. “Felix…” 

Jisung nodded. “It was so easy to connect to them because they were the only one not connected to us somehow. You didn’t know them, hell I didn’t either and strangers are so easy to confide in.” 

“Sometimes,” he revealed. “I would just go over to Rue only to cry because I felt overwhelmed and Felix, they were always there. They never judged, they never asked and I really needed them not to. Truthfully, if they weren’t around, I don’t know where I would be right now. They gave me strength.” 

“Jisung, we didn’t, I didn’t know—” Chan began. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t expect that to be the first conclusion you make when I start acting different. It’s okay, I understand. It must’ve hurt, so out of the blue.”

Chan hated how reassuring Jisung’s voice sounded, how strong he appeared even when they all knew this was his weakest moment and to struggle with such a burden all alone on top of his boyfriend being a thoughtless asshole…

“Still! That doesn’t give me any right-”

“You were angry.” Jisung cut him off. “Understandably too. You don’t have to apologise to me. I needed to get my shit together, anyway.”

“Don’t say that.” Chan whispered solemnly.

Jisung smiled and turned his attention to a silently sobbing Changbin. He cooed softly. “Don’t cry, Binnie.”

“I’m not crying.” Brunette replied. “I don’t cry.” 

He said just as more translucent wetness escaped his eyes. He buried his face in arms before raising his head sharply.

“Can I…” He spoke meekly. “Can I hug you?”

Jisung nodded softly and that was all he needed to clamour into the younger boy’s arms. 

I’m a terrible person. Chan kept whispering to himself. He had never hated himself more than in that moment. The overwhelming urge to just die.

“We’ll fix this, you hear me, Hanji? We’ll put those wretches behind bars where they belong.” He whispered into the boy’s hair. “I promise you.”

Chan stood shell shocked, awkwardly by the edge of the bed, guilty. It took Jisung no more than ten seconds to smile at him and extend his arms wider, leaving enough space for Chan to funnel in. 

“Come here, Blondie.”

It was kind of strange that even as Jisung had been the one to go through the unthinkable, he still harnessed the strength to comfort his boyfriends as he always did. Chan wanted to die.

As the three of them cried on the master bed, Chan vowed to get to the bottom of everything and fix it. Even though the damage had already been done, he would work his hardest to restore even a sliver of normalcy. He would try.

They were going to be okay. 

•••

The trip had come to an end. 

After the little confession session at the Jeju hotel room, Jisung was visibly trying to do better, and so were Changbin and Chan. The youngest had been hanging around them more, even if it was only for a few minutes and Chan and Changbin made sure never to cross his boundaries and always read him enough to ensure he was comfortable. 

After Chan’s little outburst, Changbin was angry and refused to speak to him for almost two days which visibly plunged the elder into even more stress and turmoil but Jisung had stepped in to take care of the issue which resulted in another crying session. The situation had opened their eyes on just how much of a gem Lee Felix was.

The rest of the group seemed dampened by the approaching end the last few days and Felix hurried to take as much pictures possible to commemorate the trip. Hyunjin and Minho were lovier than usual and Jeongin was quieter, choosing to spend the rest of his snowy days reading and drinking hot chocolate with Seungmin. 

Finally, they rolled to a stop. 

“Alright, here we are! Gangnam-du international airport.” Siki announced once she entered the living room. “Does everyone have their things?”

A series of drowsy affirmations had her laughing. 

“Liven up. You’ve had your  fun and made good memories you could talk about for years. It was a great time.” 

They murmured their agreements and soon began filing out of the bus once they bade both drivers goodbye and a safe drive back. Chan lingered in order to make the final arrangements and share a few heartfelt words before he was off. 

They rolled their luggage inside the airport and struggled to find the jack where the jet had landed and after going around in circles for a bit due to the misdirection, Minho finally located the CB in all her glory. They walked in but not before Felix took some pictures in front of the jet. 

The sky was sunny and clear and the air was crisp. The little bit of snow left had begun to give way to spring and it was a beautiful sight indeed. 

Once they’d all seated and were in the air, they started to share memories and all their favourite parts of the trip. It was a bittersweet reminiscence that even had most of them shedding actual tears. 

“Ugh!” Jeongin groaned through blurry eyes. “I can’t believe I’m going to go back to my boring college life and being the neighbor you recognise but always ignore.”

Chan chuckled lightly. “I don’t ignore you! I actually wanted to come talk to you a few times but your face was always like ‘Breathe near me and you die’ and other than the few times we said hello, I thought branching out would guarantee my demise for sure.” 

“Reason number thirty why I hate my face. My old friends back at Italy always used to if strangers met me when I wasn’t smiling, they’d think I hated them.”

“I think you have a beautiful face.” Felix had mumbled, face hidden behind the champagne glass in their mouth. 

And oh? Oh. 

Okay, since when was that going on? Was probably the thought that crossed everyone’s mind as they watch the duo turn red in the face.

“I’m personally glad to be out of that stinky bus.” Seungmin raised his eyes from his novel and pointed out. “When I’d agreed to this, no one told me you all wouldn’t be taking regular showers.”

“Minimized water, Min. Saving the fish.”  

Hyunjin teased lightly. 

“And don’t you dare lie you didn’t have fun.” Minho added. 

Seungmin placed the book on the expensive table in front of him. “Now when did I say that?”

“Random but I might have to get a new camera because this one will probably break with the amount of pictures in it.” Felix joked, a satisfied look on their face. 

Changbin muttered something about that being his fault since he was the one who decided to take pictures everywhere. 

“Wait until I show my manager all the cool places I’ve been! She’s gonna hate me for sure.” Seungmin joined in heartily.

They’d laughed and shared a few more stories and a little more to drink. All the curtains were open so the inside of the jet was bright and out them in good moods. 

“Let’s always keep in touch, okay? I know group chats usually die under like two days of being apart but if you don’t check in at least once a day, I will hunt each of you down and reenact the hunger games.“

The scary thing about Minho was that he always appeared eerily calm when he said things like that. But all in all, it was a great trip. Chan had contacted the company chauffeur to pick them up upon landing and with the pilot announcing the would touch down soon, he couldn’t help but close his eyes and imagine they were flying at the beginning of the trip, towards a bus filled with memories that was waiting for them at Sechoul.

The trip was something he’d like to think he’d come up with off the top of his head but he knew better as he knew that it would come with some changes he was willing to undergo and, although it was mostly filled with pain and misunderstandings, it was something he knew he would never regret. 

He was glad to have wanted to disappear for a while and wanted to take the strangest personalities with him because now, they’d come out stronger, bigger, better. He looked over to a pair of  bickering Han Jisung and Seo Changbin and smiled fondly. 

“Don’t lose them.” He’d heard Hyunjin whisper in the seat beside him. “Their type only come once every lifetime and you and I are so lucky to have captured ours.”

They shared a knowing smile and tuned back into the conversation. Eventually, the jet came to a halt on the runway and they had to wait a few minutes before the hostess could open it up for them. 

“Sweet land!” Jisung had declared one he’d feet touched the concrete. 

He’d never liked being off-road for too long, not by car and especially not planes. The first few times he entered a plane, he hyperventilated and Chan was so proud the fear was only a mild inconvenience now. 

They spotted their ride and all excitedly went over to it, stretching and blabbering about what they were going to do once they got home. Chan smiled, thinking about how he was going to miss seeing all their faces every second of everyday but none of them were dying and he knew the kind of friendship they was was for life. 

“I’m riding a limo! Mama I made it!” Jeongin bellowed to the empty sky, eliciting more laughs.

He ran to catch up with them before they got into the car. 

“Hey, Felix!” He shouted before they entered.

Said person turned around, giving Chan their undivided attention. 

“How would you like to work as a photographer for CB Entertainment?”

HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND OTHER PAINFUL MYTHS.

               America. The land of the hopeful. Or so they claimed. Chan didn’t need anything from America, only a new place to survive, away from their past regrets that seemed clogged in their throats. 

He’d been planning to branch out the company for a while and with all that was happening and with Changbin gaining many fans in the international scene, they reasoned that a whole new continent was a great solution. That and Seungmin was there.

When they’d told Minho and Hyunjin about moving the company to America, they were happy more than anything to relocate along with them and Felix, working as a photographer for the idols, went wherever his art led him. He was also working on opening a new Rue in the states. 

Jeongin had tried to transfer from SNU to NYU to join Seungmin but it hadn’t worked the first few times and he could only make the change during his second semester in his second year, three months after the rest of them had moved. And by the time he was able to move over to America, he’d already made it a big deal. 

They lived close enough to each other and Seungmin and Jeongin’s school that they could literally have weekly sleep overs and when they weren’t together, they made sure to keep the group chat lively because Chan was sure none of them would survive the hunger games. 

After discovering the truth, Chan and Changbin had confronted their mother’s about it but they denied religiously, even though they couldn’t look them in the eye as they did. 

They’d reported the incident to the police, although with such little evidence, the women couldn’t serve anything less than a couple of months behind bars but the incident ruined their reputation and family lives forever as both fathers were filing for a divorce and Chan and Changbin had completely cut their mother’s out of their lives. 

With the incompetence of the court, Chan knew they had to move somewhere where Jisung and they weren’t reminded of the bad memories every second. And Australia wasn’t an option so they chose the fairest one and it’d been a journey we’ve since. 

Jisung had been seeing a therapist for a couple of months and the three of them attended regular couple counseling. There wasn’t much progress but Jisung was more open to kisses, no fully on the lips but tiny pecks and such.

Chan and Changbin tried not to show too much PDA in front of him, even with the amount of times he’d told them it was alright. They didn’t want to risk it and make him feel bad. 

His relationship with Felix had blossomed into something a little more healthy; best friends. As he didn’t need to run to him for every little thing, they could actually go out together and have fun little times. As a matter of fact, Felix was over more times than Jeongin which was a record. 

Minho and Hyunjin were becoming even more serious and Seungmin had met a girl named Momo at college. Most of his fears had not actualised especially when they came to know he was friends with a really popular rapper, two amazing choreographers, the Lee Felix (photographer of the year award), the owner of one of the biggest entertainment companies in Korea, one of the best producers and Seoul’s Honorary Student Yang Jeongin. He had made quite the name for himself.

Speaking of Yang Jeongin. 

“I fucking hate school.” Jeongin declared as soon as he opened the door to Chan, Changbin and Jisung’s four bedroom house. 

“And you’re saying this in my house at 6:45PM why?” Changbin, who didn’t look up from the laptop he was messing with on the couch, asked. 

“This is my safe space, Seo. Allow me to be safe.”

Changbin had rolled his eyes and muttered something about disrespect. Chan emerged from somewhere inside the house, rolling his car keys on his index finger.

“Oh, hey Jeongin.” He greeted once he spotted the boy. “Why’re you lying in the middle of the room?”

The boy in question shrugged and planted his face deeper into the hardwood floor, muttering words that Chan could not decipher. 

“Okay, well I hope you sort out whatever your problem is or at least put the burden on Changbin.” He’d laughed and kissed the said boy when he’d uttered an offended ‘hey!’. “I’m going to go pick Jisung up from Dr. Hindley. I’ll see you guys later. Angel, don’t forget dinner tonight at 7:30. Meet us at the restaurant?”

Once all the arrangements were taken care of, Chan hopped in his car, heart pounding in chest with anxiety. The doubts always crept in no matter how many times he’d done. His biggest fear was walking into the psychologists office and been told that Jisung couldn’t bear it anymore and he’d left them or worse…

He’d suffered uncountable nightmares and mental breakdowns at the thought. No matter the reassurance Jisung gave, Chan always believed that what he went through was unforgivable. It was kind of therapeutic as well. Their counselor had requested Chan go pick Jisung more than Changbin so he would be reassured that the smaller boy wasn’t going anywhere. 

By the time he’d arrived at the small office building, Jisung was already waiting outside, clad in only a thin white T-shirt and blue jeans. Chan still thought he looked ethereal. He was out of the car in a second.

“Your hands are shaking.” Came a soft whisper into his ear. Blondie’s taller, larger body was pressed to his side and the head attached to it scanned their vicinity with evident worry in his eyes. “Why are you outside without a coat? Or gloves?”

He, Han Jisung, looked down at his trembling hands dismissively as if there wasn’t a stone in his throat he was trying to swallow past or as if the erratic beating in his chest was normal for such a young person and he looked up at his boyfriend; the one who spoke so lightly, as if afraid to hurt Han any more and he hated the softness in the way the boy treated him so he snatched his hands back subtly.

“It must have skipped my mind but they’ll stop soon.” His voice was croaky and weak from little use and if felt like a burden to speak. “It’s the cold, Channie, nothing else.”

Even with saying this, the worry did not leave his friends face nor did the anxiety in the way his eyes searched for something around the campus, almost like he was afraid to find it. Then he tried to mask it in a sudden smile.

“You can have my coat, Jisungie! But let’s hurry to the restaurant before Changbin actually leaves us. I already told him to meet us there and traffic was a killer.” Never minding the protest, Chan shrugged off his lavender coat — because of course he would wear a lavender coat, it’s Chan! — and draped it over Jisung’s shoulders.

It’s warm, suddenly and Jisung maybe hated himself for enjoying it because Chan was only in a frizzly white sweater and they were only two degrees away from a blizzard probably and the cafe was still a seven minute walk.

He said nothing about the guilt eating him up at Chan’s show of affection but he did gaze at his taller, now black haired (but forever Blondie™️) boyfriend from time to time to make sure that he wasn’t mad. Their walk was silent — between them but even the surrounding atmosphere seemed a little thicker and less lively than usual. There weren’t a lot of people out as one would usually expect during a snow storm but still, it was almost void of every necessary sound like insects or animals making noises.

The restaurant; they’d reached and the warm lights drew Jisung in. He was hoping for at least an atom of warmth when he stepped inside but it was instead simmering with even lower temperature and Jisung wondered why today of all days the heater wasn’t on. He hugged the coat around his body tighter and scanned the mostly empty cafe until he spotted Changbin at the back, tapping furiously at his phone. 

Chan grabbed his hand and they approached the buff, stoic looking boy. Changbin and Chan were more alike in build now more than ever, almost too alike except for where Chan had broad shoulders, Changbin’s were seemingly okay sized for his body. Other than that, they both worked out extra hard and boasted of impeccable muscles and biceps, they both sported jet black fringed hair that fell a little over their eyes, they both liked to entertain plenty jewelry these days and they both had an intimidating aura especially to strangers.

But Jisung knew they were the absolute sweetest— the only people he could really trust. They’d been working towards reconnecting as a trio ever since they left South Korea and all the drama and pain behind. Jisung was grateful that with everything that’d happened, they still stuck by him and that was saying a lot.

“We’re here!” Chan greeted as soon as they made it to the round, minty green table with four pastel yellow wooden chairs surrounding it. Jisung’s always thought the decor was questionable but over the months, it’d grown on him.

Changbin groaned and dropped his phone face flat on the desk. “I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear that. The waiter wouldn’t stop flirting.”

“Well both your boyfriends are here so I’m sure he’ll see that you’re off the market.” Chan narrowed his eyes and said a little too loudly, resulting in Jisung cracking a smile and Changbin’s embarrassed expression. 

They slid  into the seats a little closer to Changbin and settle comfortably. “Sorry we’re late. Did you wait too long?”

“No, got here a couple minutes ago.” Changbin smiled before he turned to Jisung. “Are you doing okay?”

“I’m alright.” Jisung managed.

Hearing how small his voice was, Changbin turned to Chan with a raised brow and they had one of those voiceless conversations they usually did that Jisung never seemed to understand and soon Changbin was turning back to him with a rehearsed smile.

“Okay.” He nodded. “Are you still up for game night later? You don’t have to if you don’t feel too good.”

“Jeongin will kill me.” He joked. 

“He’ll manage.” Chan smiled fondly. “Appetizers first or dinner?”

“Appetizers please, until I work up an appetite.” Changbin offered with a knowing smile at Jisung’s direction, know he usually needed a little bit more time to slip back into his natural headspace after a therapy session. 

“Appetizers it is.”

They’d waved a waitress over who was quick to jot down their orders. The conversation didn’t pick up until the food arrived and when it did, they just fell into it. Chan was mentioning something funny that happened at the company and Changbin was comparing it to Felix’s funny experiences at the small community college he was attending. 

They were having a good time, sharing laughs and stories and strategies on how to beat Hyunjin and Minho, the dynamic duo, at game night when Jisung said something. They were so immersed in the conversation that they’d nearly missed it but Changbin just so happened to turn to the younger boy at that moment and asked him to come again. 

Now that their undivided, loving attention was on him, Jisung turned red in the face, fiddling with the sleeves of Chan’s lavender coat as he opened his mouth to speak. 

“I want to kiss you.”

•••

“Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose.” Jisung muttered as he stared at the words in the book Felix had passed to him. “What the hell does that mean? Isn’t it just repeating the same word to sound poetic?”

Felix chuckled in amusement, taking the book back and tucking it into its former box. He’d pulled Jisung away from the game nighters and his glowing boyfriends to show him the doodle he had made the other day. 

“Not exactly. It’s a quote by one of my favorite art collectors, Gertrude Stein and it’s a simple theory.” He shook his head so his golden brown locks fell over his eyes. “It was basically the mid 1900s way of saying ‘It Is What It Is’”

Jisung appeared confused and Felix looked happy to explain. 

“She claimed to understand the fact that it wasn’t a revolutionary statement and she didn’t expect the world to automatically have peace when she said it but for the first time, roses were red. It’s kind of a, take everything as you see it and change is not needed to thrive. What will become will become.”

A subtle look of understanding crossed the boy’s features. 

“I guess, what I’m trying to say is, you can make progress but stay true to your self and no matter how much the rose withers and fades away in the coming seasons, at the end of the day, it’s still red and it will still bloom. No matter how long it takes. My little way of saying, I’m proud of you, Han Jisung and I’m happy to witness your rose birthing more roses.” 

Nothing had fueled the heartfelt speech but at the end of the day, it was Felix and Jisung couldn’t be surprised any longer. They stayed in the bedroom a little longer and shared kind words of encouragement with the laughs of their friend’s fueling their okayness. They weren’t there yet but who’s to say they wouldn’t be. 

Jisung and Felix stood to return to the living room and participate with their wonderful friends and lovers in game night. Just as they’d rounded the corner in the hallway, their voice broke through the walls. 

“Jisung!” Felix called out just before he could leave. He turned around in anticipation. “Beautiful morning?” He tried.

And for the first time, Jisung gave a soft, hopeful smile. Breathing gently, he nodded so small that Felix would have missed. He felt the caterpillars in him morph into butterflies.

“It’s a really beautiful morning.”