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Bang Chan was the sort of person to remind people of memories they didn’t bother to remember. Or a background friend, as he’d read somewhere.
For a while, it didn’t bother him. He liked not being included in conversations, preferred when people talked over him so the entire table wouldn’t be quiet enough to want to hear his stuttering input. He liked working on music at the very same table that friends invited anyone but him to hangout.
It was peaceful and predictable and for the duration of high school, he loved his life very much in the shadows. Known, but not really cared for. And that was okay, it was alright.
That is, until university and inevitably, Seo fucking Changbin.
Changbin was short, or well shorter than Chan by a few inches, blonde and loud. It was only the first day of orientation but Chan had noticed the buff, wide mouth making more friends in seconds than he’d made in years.
He went about so boisterously, as if the very world he walked upon was crafted specifically for his feet. And Chan wouldn’t lie, he admired him for it. Registered his noisy laugh in second and the awful jokes he told just to get a reaction out of strangers who inevitably gave it to him.
It was oddly endearing.
Until Changbin walked up to him.
Changbin was, as mentioned before, loud. His personality was one that could not be hidden and Chan had managed to successfully do the opposite for the first few hours of orientation. He liked the predictability of peace and quiet and so he wanted to continue the tradition in university. Wanted to blend so far into the crowd that even when he bumped into people, they wouldn’t notice.
He wanted so desperately to be a nobody here too, contrary to his mothers parting advice to make friends and mingle with people on his own.
It’d managed to be successful the first few hours until Seo fucking Changbin walked up to him, a swagger in his step, lights from the ceiling reflecting from his eyes as he said:
“Is it just the WiFi? Or am I totally feeling a connection?”
A few giggles rose just like the blood that raced to Chan’s cheeks. He could have retorted, turned and walked away or even pretended not to hear but Changbin was looking so satisfied with such a stupid pick up line that he couldn’t help but blurt:
“Ah, can’t be the WiFi because I’m feeling it too.”
Widened smiles and knowing eyes. The expressions that began his doom.
—
“Stare a little longer and you’ll burn a heart shaped hole into his head.” Came the knowing voice of Han Jisung.
Chan snapped his mouth shut and turned to face his other two friends that entertained the lunch tables at the university cafeteria before returning to nitpick his food.
“I’m not staring.”
A scoff came from beside him. “Yeah, and Jisung doesn’t watch tentacle hentai specifically on Saturdays.”
Lee Minho, ever so blunt, slurped at his iced americano slowly, pushing vibrant purple hair out of his eyes simultaneously, just to rile Chan up, knowing well enough that it was a habit that peeved him to no end. Chan paid him no mind.
“Hyung! It was one time!” Han Jisung more or less screeched, reaching over to smack Minho and allowing long, wavy brown hair fall in his eyes.
“And it better stay that way.” Purple head retorted, catching the brunette’s hand and squeezing it roughly.
Jisung made to speak when Chan, having been ignoring their bickering the entire time, looked up from his plate.
“Don’t you think they’re laughing too much?” He asked lowly, finally pushing the tray to Jisung who smiled in thanks and proceeded to stuff his face with the burger.
“I don’t know what you classify as too much, hyung.” Jisung spoke with a full mouth. “Changbin hyung has literally only smiled once that I’ve seen so far and it’s that tight lipped, menacing kind of smirk he gives when he wants to kill you.“
“Don’t talk while you eat, that’s gross.” Minho said, reaching over to wipe the corner of Jisung’s mouth harshly with a napkin, ignoring the younger man when he muttered something about wiping his skin off.
As revenge, Jisung made a show of chewing slowly, all the food he’d saved in his mouth out of habit stuffing in his cheeks to akin him to a squirrel, before he swallowed dramatically, giving Minho a look that extensively said, ‘ happy?’
“Besides,” Han started again, a playful smirk dancing on his lips. “Even if they did laugh a lot, wouldn’t that be a good thing? It would mean they’re making progress with whatever they’re doing.”
“Shut up, Jisung.” Chan said bitterly, leaning forward to rest his head in his hands.
“Hey, just because the man you’re in love with is sorta smiling at someone else, doesn’t mean you have to take it out on the quokka.” Minho scolded lightly, smacking Chan on the head and receiving a whine of protest.
“Yeah!” Jisung seconded.
“Why is he even sitting with him anyway? The kid looks pretty young. I didn’t know Changbin had any non second year friends.” Minho mused.
A sigh elicited Chan as he spoke into his arm. “He’s tutoring freshmen for Prof. Kim’s class. She promised extra credit.”
Minho mouth resembled saucers and the sound that left his mouth could be likened to a screech. “What? That’s bribery! That’s literal bribery! Why didn’t she ask me?”
“Maybe because she was worried you’d scare the kids away with your threats of cooking them alive the moment they get an answer wrong.” Jisung snickered.
To prove a point, Minho turned to him sharply, eyes simmering with an edgy glaze. “Shut up, Jisung.” And it wasn’t a request. But if there was anything Han Jisung knew, it was that Minho could never willingly hurt him so he egged on.
While the two of them bickered, Chan could literally hear a whir in his brain from all the thinking. Did Changbin like the freshman? They were sitting awfully close for just a tutoring session. The boy was cute too. Did Changbin think he was cute?
The thoughts rose one after the other with no space for him to even indulge in how stupid it probably sounded for a second year who was mostly into older guys to like a freshman. But they’d been hanging out a lot recently, even outside of school hours and Changbin seemed to like to talking to or about him.
Wooyoung. That was his name. He’d moved to Seoul from Gwangju and Changbin had just about taken him under his wing since he was asked to tutor him. Then again, Changbin was just a nice guy so maybe it was nothing?
The rational part of Chan’s brain had given up on working. He was jealous. Jealous and angry, at himself for feeling this way over a literal fresh out of high school kid but he couldn’t help it, not when Changbin leaned so close and he could hear the man’s laugh all the way from his table. Through somewhere at the back of his mind, he knew it was impossible.
He and Changbin had become quick friends from the very first day of orientation, or at least that’s what the younger man liked to tell everybody. Chan was his best friend and Changbin treated him like an actual friend, introduced him to a friend group he’d made consisting of very different people — Hwang Hyunjin, the art kid with a dance minor, Lee Felix, the dance major along with Lee Minho, Kim Seungmin, in accounting, Yang Jeongin in photography.
They’d all bonded a little too quickly. Especially when Chan made friends with Lee Minho and Han Jisung all by himself, introducing them to the group where everyone but especially he, Changbin and Jisung could connect over the fact that they were all music majors.
First year had gone great and now that second year was almost at its peak, it’d been great too. It should’ve continued that way, if Chan hadn’t come to the grueling realization that perhaps what he felt for Changbin was a little deeper than friendship.
Unfortunately, he’d fallen for the first person who was nice to him and that was something he always regretted because Changbin was, as one might say, a free spirit. He didn’t stay with people too long and he didn’t believe in romantic love, mainly because he’d never felt it. Just his luck.
Even then, even if he did, Chan was sure Changbin would never fall for someone like him. Someone the complete opposite.
Another problem was that Changbin was an over sharer. Always talking about his latest hookup, who he kissed at the back of lounge room three, who he thought was fuckable depending on the day and it’d all boiled over to the point where Chan had found himself in Jisung and Minho’s dorm at three in the morning, drunk and crying about how his best friend would never love him.
They’d been kind and understanding to him and they’d comforted him, protected him until the subject became something that could be easily discussed even as Chan almost got physically sick when he had to talk about his problems. They became close rather quickly.
So it made sense when Jisung had come to him and Minho to talk about his ever growing feelings for a certain Hwang Hyunjin. Unfortunately, the passing days had brought new changes in Seo Changbin, Chan had noticed.
For someone who didn’t believe in love, he sure did look lay Hyunjn like he did. And he spoke about him like that, too. Which would rebut the fact that he felt anything but kindness for the freshman. Still.
The realisation had settled slowly. Changbin was talking more about Hyunjin, making more plans, being louder to get his attention. It was only inevitable, to be honest. All three of them, Minho, Jisung and him would share knowing looks whenever Changbin leaned a little too close as he laughed or reached over to play with Hyunjin’s hair, whisper something in his ear. He knew, they knew, yet no one had once brought it up, not him and especially not Jisung. Opting, instead, to suffer in silence.
“Alright, sit up straight, lover boy. Prince Charming is on his way over.” Minho broke him out of his reverie, poking his side noiselessly.
Merely a few minutes after the words were uttered, Chan felt a tightness in his chest as rough, cold hands come to rest upon and squeeze his shoulders faintly while he hurried to straighten his back, breath stuttering slowly.
“Hey, guys!” Came the cheery voice of Seo fucking Changbin, standing a little too close to Chan. “What’re we doing?”
“Wondering why you got to tutor freshmen for extra credit and not me.” Minho offered brazenly, pushing his empty cup to Jisung to toss in the waste bin behind him.
A light laugh accompanied by shrugged shoulders as Changbin said. “Professor Kim was probably worried you’d scare them away.”
Jisung looked like he wanted to speak but Minho’s narrowed eyes shut him up quickly and effectively. The second oldest man got up at the chair, dusting nonexistent particles of food he rarely ate as a shoe to indicate his want to leave before turning to the two.
“We’ll see you guys later? Jisung and I have class in the other campus until four today.” Purple head grabbed his phone and bag, shooting brunette a look so he could stand too. “Are we still up for movie night at Hyunjin’s?”
Minho refused to meet Chan’s eyes as he said this, knowing fully well that they’d previously been discussing what a boring day it would be since all their classes had ended early. At the very least, he hoped the simmering gaze he burdened him with weighed on his conscience. They had a habit of abandoning Chan with Changbin at every chance.
Changbin, oblivious as ever, nodded softly. “Yup. At six. Bring drinks. Hyunjin never has drinks.”
Minho nodded and he and Jisung waved their goodbyes without once looking at Chan, leaving a still standing Changbin to claim purplehead’s former seat, shifting so he and Chan’s shoulders were touching.
“Hi.” The younger, now bluehead, smiled.
“Hi.” Chan managed an unwavering, shifting only the slightest bit so it was unnoticeable.
“Do you still have classes?” Changbin posed as he stretched to grab Chan’s half empty bottle of water, downing almost the entire thing at once.
He shrugged. “No.”
“Oh? Why’re you still here, then? It’s almost three in the afternoon and you never stay in school unless you absolutely have to.”
Chan shrugged again. Waiting for you, he wanted to say. “Just felt like it.” He settled for instead.
“You’re so weird, hyung.” Changbin laughs as he rises. “I’m heading over to Jinnie’s place to help him set up. Want a ride home?”
Jinnie. It’s just a nickname. Everyone calls Hyunjin that. Chan does too, as a matter of fact.
So why does he hate how domestic and right it sounds on Changbin’s tongue?
He shook his head faintly. “I’ll walk.”
The younger man’s mouth opened briefly as if he was going to say something but decided not to at the last minute.
“Okay, well I’ll still come pick you up before we start, okay?”
Chan nodded and stepped out from the chair. “See you later, Changbin.”
The younger male watched him leave, not bothering to do or say anything else and Chan cursed him for it, for not insisting. Yet, he also cursed himself for once again letting his jealousy get a hold of him, a little too sure the guilt would come rushing forward later.
He hated how uncontrollable his emotions became whenever he saw Changbin with those heart eyes not directed at him. He was aware of how toxic it was and sometimes he wished he could just shut his head up but it wasn’t possible.
And it was even harder when sometimes those heart eyes would be directed at him and for a split second, he’d hold a hope that maybe, there was a slight chance his feelings were reciprocated.
Then he’ll see Changbin act the same way to literally anybody else and he remembers he’s not special, Seo fucking Changbin was just kind.
—
Hwang Hyunjin was beautiful.
Maybe it was shallow of Chan for that to be his first thought when Changbin had introduced them because Hwang Hyunjin was also covered in paint, side touching a canvas housing the most beautiful colours forming something so dark and grim, Chan wondered how orange could be used as a substitute for pain.
But he was beautiful and Chan hadn’t noticed the painting at first or his artist hands, or even the brilliant toothy grin that showcased his enviable set of perfect teeth. No, he didn’t see any of that.
He saw only that Hyunjin was stunning and although he was covered in paint and there was a full canvas behind him, Seo Changbin was looking at him like he was a Picasso or a Rembrandt. Chan couldn’t blame him, he could pass for it.
So then they’d shook hands and Hyunjin’s was so soft to the touch, Chan almost regretted typing on his laptop enough to form calloused fingers. He was very outgoing, holding easy conversation with Chan who picked at his fingers any opportunity where they weren’t looking.
Conversation flowed between them freely, too: Hyunjin and Changbin. The painter made it a point to laugh at every single thing that left Changbin’s mouth and Changbin made it a point to never stop giving up the jokes. Chan had wondered when they’d gotten the time to be so close since he’d only heard of the painter the week before.
They were a great pair, Chan decided as his eyes calculated their every movement, but did Hyunjin really have to lean that close to Changbin anytime he laughed? And did Changbin’s fingers need to tickle his waist?
They were a great pair, but did Changbin have to forget he came with someone?
He’d slipped out unnoticed that day and walked out in the pouring, not bothering to let anyone know he was leaving or request the ride he’d been promised.
By the time he’d braved the fifteen minute walk to his tiny shutter box apartment, he could feel the harsh pelts inside of skin, and he could taste the tears they’d concealed on his tongue. How very pathetic of him, to cry over a man who was very much interested in someone else.
Still, he’d slumped into his bed face first and never moved until morning. Ignoring the clothes sticking to him, the stinging behind his eyes and boulder in his throat and especially the light from his phone whenever another call came in.
How pathetic of him to cry himself to sleep.
__
The apartment at the end of the hallway had seen more of their friend group over the years than Chan had seen his family in the last two.
Hyunjin’s apartment was bigger, he didn’t have a roommate, so it only made sense that it’d serve as some sort of ritualistic meeting place.
The drive over was silent but Changbin had played Chan’s favourite song to serve as background noise. He didn’t know what that meant but he didn’t want to dwell on it too much. By the time they’d gotten there, everyone was already setting up, including Yang Jeongin, the youngest of the group who was always late.
Chan practiced a smile right before he exited the mud room and forced it wider when Lee Felix had shouted ‘hyung!’ excitedly after seeing him, dark brown eyes swallowed up into crescents by his eyelids as he ushered the older man over, dazzling smile.
“Hey, Felix.” Chan stroked his head softly.
They conversed casually right as Kim Seungmin emerged from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn to give Chan a side hug and settle himself perfectly with his head resting on the older man’s lap.
“You shouldn’t lie down and eat, you’ll choke.” Chan scolded softly.
“Let the children live, hyung.” Hwang Hyunjin, gorgeous as always, laughed quietly from the couch.
“Hey! I’m only a year younger than you!” Seungmin protested.
Before a pointless argument could ensue, Minho turned off the lights quietly and encouraged them to shuffle so there was enough space for them to huddle around the television.
Chan didn’t need to look up to know that Hyunjin would be snuggled into Changbin and Jisung would latch unto Minho unforgivingly while Jeongin munched on snacks and rolled his eyes.
He would be at Felix’s side half way into the movie, he always was.
Bang Chan adored his friends. He really did. He loved that they made time each week to simply de-stress and enjoy each other’s company. It was nice to be surrounded by people who really cared for you and he wouldn’t trade the feeling for anything. It was great.
But he really wished he didn’t have to be at a close enough proximity to literally hear when Changbin whispered stupid things into Hyunjin’s ear — because he was just so bad at whispering — eliciting hushed giggles or ‘stop it’.
He couldn’t say anything, though. Because it would be strange. They always did this at movie night so what would make today any different is what would be on his friend’s minds. They’ve always been this close so why was it suddenly a problem.
The older man didn’t want to ruin anything between them. He didn’t want to make anything awkward but for gods sake, did they have to be that obvious?
He’d excused himself to the bathroom and most likely stayed long enough because by the time he returned, the movie had been paused and Jeongin was imploring them to play never have I ever.
There wasn’t really anytime to refuse as Jeongin had grabbed him to the only free space beside Changbin to sit cross legged while he hurried to grab the shot glasses and alcohol.
“This is stupid.” A cherry headed Seungmin made sure to voice fro what Chan was sure wasn’t the first time.
“You’re stupid.” Jeongin countered immaturely as he sat down, placing the drink in the middle of the circle all eight of them had formed. “Alright, I’d expect anyone who had a life in high school to know how the game goes. So Seungmin, do you need me to explain the rules to you?”
Narrowed eyes, laughter from Felix and a high-five from Minho greeted a smug Jeongin who reveled in his one upping for a second before getting serious.
“Alright. I’ll go first.” The youngest declared. “Never have I ever…had a friend with benefits.”
The surprise that etched everyone’s face when Seungmin downed a shot was self explanatory. They all looked at him pointedly until he explained.
“What? I was stressed, okay!? Besides, it was a long time ago.”
“It was two months ago.” Felix supplied, earning a number of shocked gasped, then he continued before Seungmin could say anything. “Never have I ever slept with someone who’s name I didn’t know.”
Changbin and Jeongin both took a shot at the same time.
Jisung’s mouth fell open. “I understand Changbin hyung but you!?” He almost sounded livid.
Jeongin shrugged and everyone knew that was all they were getting out of him.
“Okay…” Jisung trailed off, grabbing a glass. “Never have I ever…” he seemed to contemplate before shaking his head and downing the shot. “fucked a teacher.”
“Jisung, what!?” Minho screeched, eyes going as wide as humanly possible.
“Who was it?” Hyunjin leaned forward, interested.
“Doesn’t matter. Am I the only one drinking? Okay…” before Jisung could finish his disappointed statement, Felix reached over to grab a shot glass.
“No fucking way!” Jeongin gasped. “No way! Who was it?”
Felix shrugged. “Wouldn’t be so fun if I told now, would it?” Then he emptied the shot glass.
The conversation steered towards that direction for a while, everyone trying to get it out of Jisung and Felix but relenting when they soon realized they were going nowhere. In the mean time, Chan was struggling to breathe with the way Changbin was so close that he could feel the outline of his very toned arms and legs.
“Never have I ever,” Hyunjin drank, “Jacked off while someone else was in the room.”
Seungmin, Jisung and Minho followed suit.
“Jesus Christ, I’m friends with a bunch of exhibitionist.” Changbin joked.
It was going well. The game had gone on into the night with the questions getting even dirtier as they progressed. Even Chan himself had downed a few glasses, though not enough to get him as drunk as the rest of his friends.
With everyone being so dazed, it was so easy to stare at Changbin for an unlimited amount of time without it being weird. And it wasn’t; to hyperfixate on his very rosy cheeks and the way his eyes followed the hands of whoever was grabbing the shot glass next. His words had begun to slur and he’d began to sway noticeably.
It was oddly endearing.
So much so that Chan wanted to reach over and hug him just to stabilize him and feel the heat from all the alcohol mixing with his blood. But Hyunjin was there and Chan respected his friends too much to come in between whatever it was that they had going on.
He was fine with it. With the loud hollers around him as someone else admitted to something crude while his gaze focused on the way that even in his drunken haze, Hyunjin held Changbin firmly as if afraid to let go.
He was fine with it, honest.
Until Jisung.
“Never have I ever fallen in love with my best friend!” Jisung had declared, managing to instill an immediate hush on the rowdy crowd.
Chan almost felt like his heart wanted to escape, blood rushing to his cheeks and sweaty palms. He picked at his calloused fingers, almost too afraid that he knew what was coming next.
“Boring!” Jeongin announced once he saw no one had picked up a shot. He swayed ever so lightly, almost falling unto Felix.
“Wait—no, hyung…wait, you should drink!” Jisung said loudly, nodding as if he’d cured world hunger. Chan stilled. “Chan hyung you should drink!”
He felt like dying right there and then especially as he felt Changbin’s confused intoxicated gaze on him. Chan had never been good at lying and in that moment, he wanted to kill himself for it.
“Ji, you’re drunk—“ he wanted to say more.
“Chan hyung is in love with his best friend? Is it me?” Felix just had to ask, eyes wide in curiosity.
No,no,no,no—
“No, silly! It’s Changbin hyung.”
And oh. Okay so maybe Chan had made a mistake trusting Jisung with his secret but to be fair, he hadn’t really added drunk Jisung into the equation when he’d showed up crying and Jisung did well, so far. He was doing so well.
Now though, Chan almost wanted to cry, strangle Jisung or both because Changbin never forgot the things that happened when he was drunk and he never failed to communicate either so Chan was so sure death was better than facing his bestfriend the next day.
“You’re in love with me?” Came the slurred voice of his bestfriend, breathily uttering every word as if afraid Chan would run away before he finished.
“But I’m — Chan I’m in love with Hyunjin, we’re together.”
The room grew even quieter.
Maybe everybody was drunk or maybe nobody was drunk because the way they all stared at him with sympathetic eyes made him want to throw up, made him feel like hands were running all over his body.
He wanted to say so much but his mouth wasn’t cooperating so he instead got up slowly, walked to the mud room to get his coat, shoes and keys and left.
Many voices were calling his name. Minho, maybe? Jisung? Felix. But no Changbin and definitely no Hyunjin. He didn’t really expect them to, if he was honest.
It’s fine, everything is fine, he tried to convince himself as he hurried down the stairs, eyes too blurry to actually see more than two feet in front of him. It’s fine, I’m fine with this.
But as he slipped down the last two steps and just laid there, rain from an open window hitting his face, he couldn’t help but let the tears flow, thoughts overwhelmed with how much he really, really hated being a background friend.
—
Truthfully, he’d almost blurted it out once when he was drunk too.
That would probably explain why he avoided alcohol like a plague after that as whenever he was intoxicated, his thought to speech filter always malfunctioned, having him spewing the stupidest things.
He was stressed. And Changbin was his best friend who thought alcohol solved everything.
There was a deadline for a song release slowly creeping up on him and he hadn’t even started. Chan had been in a spit that period for so long and the more days passed, the more anxiety nestled quietly in his mind.
Changbin had come over at the worst possible moment. Chan was hunched at the chair, staring back at the blank screen of his laptop, mauling over how incredibly pathetic the reflection that stared back looked.
Tears had caked on his face and his back hurt from holding the same position for hours but Chan didn’t move, refused to, perhaps as a punishment to himself. An unbearable level of self hatred rose inside of him threatening to spill in the form of a manic episode or a mental breakdown.
He wanted to scream so bad but his next door neighbor was an old man. That was the only thing keeping Chan rooted to his chair, Mr. Jung. He was nice, the old man and Chan didn’t want to burden yet another person with problems that were his own fault.
The jingling keys slipped his hearing but when Changbin had announced, ‘honey, I’m home!’ as he usually did, Chan couldn’t even find the energy to hurriedly dispose of everything because he was just so damn tired.
That’s how his best friend found him. Bones burning from an innate exhaustion and eyes empty of any emotion.
Changbin was frantic until he realized that seemed to throw Chan into an even heightened fit so he spoke slowly, coaxed him out of the headspace he’d burrowed inside, laid with him on the floor for an entire thirty minutes until he was sure Chan was okay, until all the tears had been emptied, hugging him until his hands lost all feeling.
Perhaps, Chan had really loved him then or maybe he was a little too tired to hide it.
He’d been taken to the living room after protesting that he didn’t want to sleep when Changbin suggested taking a nap. Then the younger man had raided the fridge and found several bottles of Soju. They’d drank until Chan couldn’t tell how many Changbin’s were in the room.
But it felt good so he let himself be at ease.
They were asking stupid questions; would you rather be born as a snail or a spider? how many legs do you think centipedes have? would you ever date me for a good cause?
Chan had laughed and Changbin had laughed.
I would probably kiss you if you let me. Right now. It doesn’t have to be for anything other than I’m desperately in love with you. Chan had wanted to say.
Thankfully, the exhaustion took over and he fell asleep before he got the words out.
But he was drunk and he would have said it if he wasn’t so terribly tired. So Chan understands.
Jisung wasn’t so terribly tired. So he said it.
—
He’d been ignoring everyone for over a week, including Minho and Jisung even as he knew how much the younger must’ve been hurting not only from the guilt but from the fact that he man he was in love with was dating his friend.
However, no amount of remorse would get him to pick up the phone when they called or reply even one of the numerous texts they’d sent him. It’d been a week and Chan was aware running away from his problems wasn’t the best option but he cried whenever the thought of facing them entered his head.
What would Hyunjin think? Changbin?
He’d somehow gotten it into his head that he was a terrible best friend and he ultimately deserved none of them. Not even when Hyunjin’s text had come in coupled with voicemails begging to talk.
He’d just holed up in his room at his childhood home, not even bothering to tell his concerned parents what the matter was. Chan felt awful and stupid and very much like a traitor. He just wished he didn’t develop these stupid feelings in the first place. It was all his fault.
He was skipping school and not communicating with his friends and he felt like an absolute douchebag even more so when he locked the door and refused to go out to let his parents know what was going on. Opting for tears and more tears and feeling like an absolute failure.
How very pathetic of him to cry over a friendship he’d very well ruined.
On the third day of the first week, at three a.m, Seo Changbin’s name flashed on Chan’s phone screen.
He wasn’t asleep. He’d messed up his sleep scheduled enough to never be able to manage closing his eyes for hours at a time each day so he was very much awake, hands very much shaking as he grabbed the phone in silent horror and contemplation.
Wondering…hoping.
He stared at the device so deeply, the call ended and the screen turned black. He heaved a sigh that very much hadn’t made itself known that he was holding. Changbin hadn’t called since the entire thing and Chan was so convinced he wanted nothing to do with him so why was he calling now?
Right as he made to drop the phone, the screen lit up again and his hands, in a turn of events, at that moment accidentally swiped on the screen to accept the call. His heart beat accelerated unfairly. Breaths coming out shorter.
Chan put the phone to his ear only to hear soft breathing on the other side. He almost wanted to cry.
“Hello?” Answered his rough unused voice.
It was silent for approximately five seconds because Chan counted, before he could hear the shuddering of breath.
“Come home, Chan.”
—
When he’d gotten on the first train to Seoul early that morning, he still hadn’t told his parents who came to wish his farewell what happened. He was jittery and unable to sit still, the sweat accumulating on his palms enough to make an indentation on his jeans.
He felt like throwing up.
Chan knew he was very much going to have to face his friends sooner or later and although he didn’t feel particularly ready, he found himself in front of Jisung and Minho’s dorm that Saturday afternoon, knocking on their door softly.
When Minho opened the door, a range of emotions visited his face and left fleetingly, as if he was wondering which one to choose from and then as though he’d made his pick, he threw his arms around Chan hastily, almost like he was scared.
“You fucking idiot!” He muttered, nose buried into Chan’s neck with a hint of a sniffle. “What’s fucking stopping me from breaking your spine right now?
Chan laughed softly. “I’m sorry.”
“Just shut up and come in!” Minho said, making no effort to move.
“But you’re—“ Chan started.
“You have to carry me. That’s your punishment.” He was easily interrupted.
Another soft smile and he pushed his way into the large dorm — they’d gotten one of the best ones — carrying the younger man until they made it to the living room and plopped on a sofa.
It was quiet but Minho was still hugging Chan so the older man let him. They stayed that way for a few seconds before purplehead pulled back, eyes red and unfocused.
“Where the hell did you go!” He smacked Chan roughly. “We looked for you everywhere!”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just went back to my parents to think, I guess.”
“You went to Australia!?” Minho’s voice rose tentatively.
“No, no.” Chan rebutted. “Just our old house in Sodeok-dong. They were visiting family for the week so I guess it was pretty convenient.”
Minho nodded, rubbing at his eyes. “Okay. We didn’t think to look there. Jisung was so sure you were in Australia, I had to stop him from boarding a flight twice.”
“Why would he want to come find me in Australia? It’s so far away and tickets are expensive!”
“He was so sure you hated him, you idiot! And he wanted to apologize one last time no matter how many times I told him to give you time because you could never hate him.” Then Minho paused, unsure. “You don’t hate him, right?”
“I could never hate him.” Chan confirmed. “It’s not his fault. I understand that he was drunk. I was just scared and didn’t know how to face the topic.”
“I know.” Minho nodded. “We we’re so worried, Chan. The other kids don’t remember but Hyunjin got it into his head that it was somehow his fault and Changbin thought he’d lost you and I-“
Chan nodded, knowing. “I’m sorry. I know I can’t say it enough but I just…”
Minho squeezed his shoulder. “You shouldn’t be sorry. You were scared, you are scared. I understand.”
With a deep breath, Chan asked, “Where’s Jisung?”
“He was worrying up a storm.” Minho shrugged, voice light but eyes heavy. “So I sent him out with Seungmin. He should be back anytime now.”
The guilt that rocked in Chan’s chest intensified once he heard the front door unlock and shuffling for a bit before slow heavy footsteps resounded around the dorm.
“Hyung, I’m home.” Han Jisung sounded so terribly tired, Chan just wanted to wrap his arms around him and never let go.
The moment he stepped into the living room, he froze. “Chan?” He asked in a frail voice, almost like he couldn’t believe his eyes.
The older man stood up and approached him slowly. “Hi, Ji.” He smiled, arms opening slowly.
Jisung fell into his arms with a wracking sob, clinging unto him tightly. “I’m sorry. Hyung, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it and drunk or not i should have never said it. Please forgive me, I — I love you so much, hyung.”
Calloused fingers came up to caress the brunette’s hair. “I love you to, Sungie.” Chan reassured the smaller man softly. “I just needed some time. I promise I’m not mad at you.”
Although Chan tried his best to dispel his fears, Jisung still held unto him like it was the end of the world so Chan led them to the couch and whispered sweet nothing in his ear until he had calmed down.
Minho had brought some tea and put on movie. They spent the remainder of the night talking, reassuring, trusting and comforting each other over both their heartbreaks.
In the end, it wasn’t so bad and even though Chan had learned never to trust drunk Jisung, he knew that the sober always had his back.
—
“Do you need us to wait outside? Emotional support from a distance?” Jisung asked anxiously, playing with the rubber bands around his wrist.
Chan chuckled. “You can’t just wait outside until I’m done, Ji. That’s kinda creepy.”
“I don’t care if it’s creepy. If you need us—“
“I’ll call.” Chan interrupted. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”
He saw the hesitation in Jisung’s movement so he pulled him in for a hug. “I promise.” He reiterated.
That seemed to calm the younger boy down a little which gave Minho the opportunity to grab his hand and stare pointedly at Chan.
“Alright, we’ll pick you up around three but if you ever feel like leaving early, just text us. We’ll be on standby. If it gets too much, don’t bear it for their sake, okay?”
“Okay.” Chan nodded. “Thanks guys, I’ll see you later.”
They left after that and it took Chan a few seconds of encouragement from himself before he could push the cafe door open. He spotted them first, Hyunjin and Changbin looking as nervous as ever even as they were the most beautiful people in the shop.
He practiced a smile and walked over slowly, claiming the booth across from them. They’d chosen the one at the very back. Chan smiled. Perhaps they were expecting a scene.
Changbin genuinely looked shocked to see him. “Hi.” He sounded breathless.
“Hi.” Chan managed a soft and tiny lift at the ends of his mouth. “Hi, Hyunjin.”
“Hi, hyung.” Hyunjin smiled hesitantly.
The table was engulfed in a hanging silence not helped by the quiet ambience of the mostly empty cafe. Chan picked at his fingers.
“So.” Changbin started. “Uh, what do you want to order?”
It was almost funny.
The straightforward, speak before I think, Seo Changbin, struggling to find what to say. Chan smiled sorrowfully, head lolling back and forth ever so slightly.
“I’m sorry.” He nodded, knowledgeable eyes.
“What?” Hyunjin blinked.
“I was never going to act on my feelings.” He supplied. “I know why we’re here, you know. Might as well get straight to it. I was never going to act on my feeling, just so you know.”
Changbin’s mouth opened slightly, like he wanted to speak but didn’t know what to say.
Chan breathed deeply. “He loves you so much. Honestly, I think he might’ve loved you from the moment he laid eyes on you which is rich coming from someone who was so sure he’d never fall in love.”
He addressed Hyunjin as he spoke. “And you fell quickly, too. I noticed. He’s my friend and you’re my friend. I’m neither stupid nor blind. I knew something was going on because you tend to notice every single thing about a person when you’re in love with them.”
A sharp breath from Changbin and Chan tried to hide his shaking hands under the table, looking into the large windows beside him to notice the passing scenery.
“So I was never going to act on my feelings, just wait for them to go away. I’m sorry you found out, I never planned on letting any other person know. Minho and Jisung are enough.”
“Chan—“ Changbin started.
“Look, I know this is awkward and it’s going to be awkward for as long as we’re friends because unrequited love ruins friendships and honestly I think I’m fine with that. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you but I did and it’s entirely my fault so it’s only fair to get punished for it.“
“What are you talking about—“
Changbin was interrupted once again.
“I want to end our friendship.”
“What!?” The blue headed man screeched. “You can’t— Chan you can’t…you’re my best friend!”
“I am aware. And I am content with that, Bin. I would’ve been content it with for however long it took. But we can’t do this, you know. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to Hyunjin. I can’t come over to you place and sit on the same couch with and pretend I don’t want to kiss you until I can’t breathe.”
Changbin looked away and Chan nodded.
“I know. Trust me, a couple months ago, the mere thought of that would’ve made me want to throw up too.”
He snapped his head back quickly, eyes wide. “That’s not what I…”
Chan squeezed his hands into fists under the table and tried to swallow away the tears and lump that had risen to his throat.
“You don’t have to explain yourself, Bin. It’s okay. I just wanted to personally apologize for running from my problems. I only needed time and now that I’ve thought about it, I think it’s better for all of us if I just left. I won’t be there when the group is having activities, I’ll be out of your way at the studio, I’ll take all the routes you usually don’t and you’ll forget about me, soon. I’ll make sure of it. You don’t deserve this burden.”
“Chan…” Changbin choked.
The older man turned to Hyunjin. “You’re a kind person, Jin so I hope you can forgive me.”
“You don’t have to do this, hyung.”
A half smile graced his face, too hard and too tired to pretend, he let the first tear drop fall unto the table, watching as more followed suit.
“I wish you a successful relationship.” He nodded to himself then raised his head to stare at him with blurry eyes. “And I’m sorry, Bin.” He voiced.
“I’m sorry I fell in love with you.”
That was it. He rose and left without another word, leaving both men a sobbing mess behind him. He struggled to keep the tears at bay but they rushed until he could barely see and once he got outside, with shaky hands, he dialed Minho’s number.
He hadn’t even spoken into the phone when Minho declared.
“We’re on our way.”
In the end, Chan had kept his promise. He’d successfully avoided Seo Changbin for the remainder of second year. And although his other friends didn’t understand at first, they soon managed to adjust. It wasn’t entirely hard, having known the younger boy like the back of his hand. Though, crying himself to sleep every night wasn’t exactly easy either.
Bang Chan was the sort of person to remind people of memories they didn’t bother to remember. Or a background friend, as he’d once read somewhere.
Good thing too because then it made it impossibly easier to become a background memory to Seo fucking Changbin.