Work Text:
Sometimes Seo Changbin didn’t want to be alive. And sometimes he cried for no reason. Sometimes he laid in bed for hours because the thought of physically standing up made him want to throw up. Sometimes he snapped at the people he loved for the slightest things and felt guilty later and sometimes he simmered in silence with looks that wanted to kill, in that moment, at least.
See, he villainised himself for the same things he comforted people over and sometimes he disappeared for months at a time, ignoring everyone that cared about him, appeared out the blue when he felt guilty and missed them only to leave again when it got too much. Because he was a bad person and it hurt so much that he stopped. He was also a bad person because he quite literally could not feel empathy yet he craved some.
He was so convinced everyone hated him and he questioned every relationship he had, didn’t matter if it was the one with Bang Chan who was his childhood friend because he was so sure the man secretly hated him and he wouldn’t even be mad. Trust issues had nestled quickly in his brain.
And he formed opinions based on what everyone else thought, never having come up with one original thing himself. And he wrote sometimes, although it was never good enough. Nothing he ever did was good enough because he could and should be better.
He couldn’t look into the mirror without crying and he never felt comfortable looking at or even touching his body even when it dark, although he felt safest in the dark. He felt like such a disappointment to his family because all he was ever he was an unoriginal version of his bigger and better older brother. Everyone loved his older brother.
His only friend who hadn’t left was his younger brother but that was probably because they lived in the same house and neither could go anywhere but he was convince he annoyed him too.
And his parents yelled all the time and belittled him in the smallest most noticeable ways. And he cried whenever he watched Bluey because it hurt to witness such a happy little family.
His head was the most dangerous place he could be and sometimes he liked to project unto other people to feel a sense of want and belonging. He believes he’s a background person. Sure if he just disappeared no one would care. He’s a really bad person, too so they probably shouldn’t care.
Sometimes Seo Changbin couldn’t be bothered to brush his teeth or take a shower, as if glued to his bed and unable to move, he lays there, scrolling through pictures of people that could never be him, feeling so unaccomplished because he was already eighteen and shouldn’t be stuck in bed all day, tears streaming down his face and giving himself a headache from crying simply because he was nothing short of a failure.
Sometimes Seo Changbin didn’t want to be alive and no matter how much the thought ate at his brain, he was too much of a coward to do anything about it. So sometimes Seo Changbin sat in the dark and thought:
Why Am I Like This?