Chapter Text
It started as a last ditch effort to cram before their Fall semester midterms. Reki and Langa had been exhausted after a long night at S and went back to Langa’s apartment. Nanako was working a late night shift at the hospital. So the boys had the apartment all to themselves.
If you had asked either one of them how it happened neither would be able to recall how it happened. They fully intended to study. Midterms were in a week and Reki wasn’t sure he was going to pass, and Langa agreed to help out. But one thing led to another, and the boys were on top of one another.
It caught Reki by surprise. But he had waited for this for so long, and didn’t know how to react to Langa tiredly kissing him; and Reki sure didn’t stop him. Things escalated quickly, faster than Reki ever thought they would. Reki didn’t know what to do, what to say.
As Langa would come to phrase it: a lapse in judgment.
They were just friends, right? Nothing more. They had been impulsive: didn’t think about what they had done. Acted stupid. They both (Langa really, and Reki for the sake of their friendship) to not speak of their late night impulse again.
Not to their families, their friends at S, nor each other. This was a one time thing. A mistake. Something neither of them saw coming. They were tired. Still running off the adrenaline of S.
As if Langa needed some justification.
Made Reki sick.
Langa needed deniability.
To distance himself from the situation.
But that made sense, right?
Reki could make sense of that, right?
That was a normal reaction to something like this…
Right?
Right?
Reki found his throat dry, unable to say anything, and just nodded alongside whatever Langa was saying. It seemed to make him happy at least.
Happy they hadn’t complicated their relationship. Their friendship. Whatever this dynamic had now become. Or whatever it was prior.
Yeah right. Reki thinks, wishing he had the guts to speak up, but every time he wants to finds a lump in his throat and just funds himself digging his thumb into his palm. Making an imprint with the little nail he had left after biting them down to stubs.
But Reki can tell he isn’t the only one anxious about this. Normally he’s the one doing all the talking and Langa responds with one word or few word responses. And right now Langa just won’t shut up.
Of course he was just trying to make Reki feel better but every word that came out of Langa’s mouth he wasn’t processing. He wasn’t listening. Langa’s voice might as well been background noise to his own panic attack while Langa was slowly having his own.
That night instead of leaving, Reki lied in bed beside the other boy, silent, gripping the sheets. Staring at the wall he stays tense, keeping tears from falling.
Reki hated himself for being open.
Vulnerable.
He could have found a way to excuse himself from the apartment. But he didn’t find it right to go home, he didn’t want to worry his family at this late hour. Surely Joe and Cherry would still be awake but he didn’t want to be a bother. What was the other option? Hang around the skatepark until dawn and then finally go home? He was exhausted but still knew that was a terrible idea.
Even if he felt terrible lying next to Langa right now he wasn’t going to do anything like that. Run off. It wasn’t going to fix anything.
Instead he laid beside Langa, sulking, feeling sorry for himself. Feeling almost unable to lift the weight of himself from the mattress. His hips sinking into the bed, head twitching on the pillow, being all the movement he could muster.
What excuse could he come up with to leave after audibly agreeing with Langa? It would look suspicious. That would just pull Langa down with him, and Langa didn’t need to feel what Reki felt. At least Reki didn’t feel that way.
He spent the night focusing on Langa’s wall, trying to sleep but instead finding himself just listening to Langa’s breath. He used to love that sound in the dead of night when he couldn’t sleep but right now, he hates it. Reki’s own breath occasionally hitches from keeping himself from crying. An occasional tear falling against his wishes. Eyes clench shut to get a break from the plain wall.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
His stomach turned and he wishes he could do the same, but he couldn’t bring himself to physically face the other boy in the bed. Technically Langa hadn’t done anything wrong, right?
No. Maybe?
He didn’t entire regret what they had done.
Entirely.
He just wished Langa hadn’t regretted it.
Either way, Reki wasn’t going to allow this to happen to himself again.
Stupid.
He wouldn’t allow himself to go through that again.
Langa clearly didn’t feel the same way, he got his answer.
It’s fine.
Reki was fine.
Everything was going to be fine.