Work Text:
Days unraveled like the red carpet. Time spent together under an azure sky flew by. Poetic as it was saddening, it seemed. You’d think this kind of bond would be simple- straightforward and easy to identify.
But it wasn’t.
Feelings were not your forte, nor was emotionally being there. You comforted her in her bad spots, but there was always a rigidity to you. It’d been your strong suit before. But it felt so wrong. But it felt wrong to let your guard down, too? You could trust Roxy, and yet everything within screamed at you not to. Fear, was it? All along you thought you were being rational. Maybe this was just paranoia.
Funny. You used to destroy your emotions.
Now you'll watch as they destroy you.
…
It’s not just your boundaries, either. You’d always loved Roxy, and the border between platonic and romantic was always so painstakingly clear. Her endless flirting didn’t change that at all- your pursuit of Jake defined those lines, really. But now that he was gone? You watched as it blurred, fucked with your mind, pulled all the wrong strings to your stupid heart.
There was always such a strong certainty in your sexuality, too. Women were never involved in the game. But it all shattered. You were descending into confusion, chaos. A total brainfuck. It was messing with your head more than your little computer ever could. You would take Hal over this torment any day, really, because the thought of loving who you imagined to be a sister any more than this would tear your soul from being and shred it to nothing.
This is why you hated the idea of feeling. To be subject to this turbulence?
You used to look at her with love- admiration. She held everything together when you could not. Everything crumbled, and like Atlas she took it upon herself to keep you all going. The leader in the void, the life and hope, the beating heart of the session you thought was yours to manipulate. What a fool, to think you were in charge of it all.
The gleam in her eyes. Concealed and yet so open.
You hated yourself for it, but she was captivating. Her energy, infectious. Her laugh like birdsong- not the stupid fucking seagulls you heard all day. She held the warmth of the sun in her stance, and the serenity of the moon in her sleep. There was a constant duality to it all. Everything was to adore.
How the hell haven’t you figured it out?