Chapter Text
The day was like stepping into someone else’s life. From meeting Inej on the docks and gifting her a ship to having a meal with her and her parents at the hotel suite he booked for them, it all was surreal. Kaz stole glimpses of who Inej was before she was taken and who he might’ve been had things worked out differently. For half a second, he considered who they might’ve been together in another life.
Inej’s parents started with lighter topics, keeping away from the dark depths of what Inej had been through. Eventually, though, she began to tell her story in broad strokes, leaving out some of the details for a later conversation. Kaz was in awe of how strong she was. How after everything she could recount what happened, hug her mother and not lose herself. She had been to hell and back and was still so her .
It made Kaz want to tell her his story more than ever. Not to absolve himself of his numerous sins- that would never happen- but because she deserved to know before she set out on her voyage. He knew what led her to become the wraith, the ship captain, the girl she was today. She had never had a choice to tell anyone what happened to her. He owed her at least the bare bones of his own story. He just didn’t know how to tell her. He could barely think about that moment without his hands shaking and nausea rising. How could he put it into words without losing his mind?
After dinner, they made their way back to the Slat. Inej planned to go back to her parents’ hotel afterward, but she needed to pick up a few things first. Before she stopped at her old room, Kaz brought her upstairs to his old office. If he was going to try to do this, it had to be in private. He could not afford to break down and look weak in front of the other dregs. He sat down at his desk while she stood near the window, looking out at the streets below. Just like old times.
“I need to tell you something,” He said, his pulse picking up.
“Of course, Kaz.” She replied. She looked worried, anticipating what he was going to say next.
“There’s more to what happened with Pekka and my brother than what you heard us talking about,” He looked down. His stomach dropped and heart pounded in his ears, but he had to do this, he would do this for her. He clenched his gloved hands and kept going, “After we lost everything to that bastard, a plague hit. The queen’s lady plague.”
He made eye contact with Inej and could see the realization cross her face. That’s where he got the idea from. That’s how he knew how Ketterdam would react to the threat of an epidemic. He had been through it himself.
“It hit the barrel the hardest and we both got it. Jordie, he-” He paused to catch his breath, to steady himself so he wouldn’t get sick. He had to keep going now that he’d brought this up. He didn’t know if he would ever work up the nerve to talk about it again if he stopped now, “He didn’t make it. I didn’t think I was going to make it either. And the bodymen, they. They took both of us. I woke up and I was on the barge with all the dead.”
He wanted to continue, he wanted her to know the worst of it, but he couldn’t. A wave of nausea struck him and he felt like he was drowning. He closed his eyes. This was ridiculous. Even though he knew they were alone and in his room at the Slat, he was surrounded by corpses. He could feel them. He could smell them. If he opened his eyes he knew he would see the dead eyed face of his brother. He clenched his fists, trying to focus on his gloves.
“Kaz,” Inej said softly after what felt like hours but was probably mere minutes, “You’re okay. You’re not there anymore. You’re in your room and you’re safe.”
Her voice helped steady him, but it was not enough. He was adrift in the harbor with no way of getting back. He had no control over his frantic breathing. He was going to be sick.
“Jesper offered to take me shopping for some real pirate clothes.” She went on, talking about how excited Jesper was at the prospect of helping his friend, who now had real money, pick out new clothes. Kaz tried to focus on her voice and the lighthearted story she was telling, but he didn’t catch all of it, still drifting between the past and the present. By the time he calmed down enough to open his eyes and look at her, she was telling a completely different tale. It was about how Nina took her out for waffles when they first met and flirted with the waitress for free food.
She looked at him with worry and care in her eyes. He didn’t deserve her. Time and time again, she brought him back from the worst parts of his mind. She gave him a way out of the darkness. She stood by him even at his most broken and damaged and wrong. He only wished he could give her more.
“Thank you for telling me, that must have been really hard.” She said, eyes shining with unshed tears.
“That’s why I can’t touch you, why I can’t touch anyone,” He rasped. Now that the panic had faded, he was completely spent and to his shame, his eyes felt raw from crying. All this after barely getting into what happened? Pathetic. It had been years , almost a decade even, and it still struck him like it was yesterday. He felt oddly lighter, though. Relief and exhaustion mixed into one. It was strange being on this side of revealing secrets.
“What you went through was horrible. No child should have to go through that. No person should at all.” She lifted up her hand, as if to reach out to him on instinct, but put it down before it got close, “It’s not easy, but like you said to me the other day, we will always keep fighting,”
“There’s more. But I can’t- I can’t talk about it right now,” He almost whispered
“It’s okay, you can tell me when you’re ready, all that I ask is that you keep trying.”
He was trying and he would continue to keep trying for her. After everything she went through she was still so good. She was still so whole and herself. She deserved the world and he was going to do everything he could to give it to her. Even if that meant taking off his armor and exposing the raw, vulnerable parts of himself. He would walk into hell for her, no questions asked.