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He stared, silence pressing his lips together. Threat raised his alarm, pupils blown wide as burning adrenaline flooded through his veins.
The area was safe. He was in a safe position. He would not be harmed. Despite knowing this, danger hung heavy in the air; it was so thick he thought he would choke on it.
Everything he’s ever wanted laid in front of his eyes. So close he could touch it, but never possess it. It was a free little thing, being by his side but never his . Bile burned the back of his throat as his gaze remained unwavering, eyes burning yet refusing to break the connection.
Afraid to look away in case he loses it forever.
“-zai. Dazai!”
Dazai’s pupils slid away for a moment, refocusing on where he was. They snapped back to the other with an empty smile. “Does Chuuya need something?~”
He chose to ignore the clear look of disgust, with a smidge of regret, passing the other. “You looked dumb spacing out like that.”
“So mean! I’m wounded.” The brunette put on a dramatic show, placing the back of his hand against his forehead and falling on the top of the oak desk. Papers scrunched under his back, him ignoring the angry shouting from Kunikida.
He couldn’t swallow the ball of disgust stuck in his throat. Maybe it was anger? He couldn’t tell if it was worse that he could still see the thing he dreaded to lose. Perhaps, he could’ve just ignored it and moved on happily. But it now burned its image into his mind, even being able to catch it from the corner of his eyes.
He turned his head, watching Chuuya. His old partner was no longer talking to him, instead making conversation with his new partner. They seemed to be agreeing on something, Kunikida’s eyes becoming sharper in the way they do when something makes sense. Chuuya’s face lit up, eager nodding confirming his suspicions.
It left a bitter taste in his mouth.
Dazai pushed himself off the table, walking between them much to both their annoyances. “It’s rude to talk about someone who’s right in front of you.”
He turned around, pace faltering a minute upon seeing their faces. Confusion . “What the hell are you on about?” A spark of aggression flew through storm-coloured eyes. Even that expression weakened his ability to keep his bile down.
Ranpo hummed from behind his laptop, some sort of game most likely pulled up instead of work. He looked amused, putting puzzle pieces together in an instant. Dazai would never show it, but having someone be able to see through him so transparently did bother him a bit.
Instead, Dazai turned his attention back to his mistake. It was rare he made any. “That’s strange.” He laughed, though it sounded a bit strained to his ears. Need to make it more natural. “I could’ve sworn I was getting bad mouthed.”
Kunikidia shook his head, pushing his slipping glasses back up. “If we were to bad mouth you, it would be straight to your face.” Chuuya agreed with a nod, eyes hovering on him for a moment too long.
He didn’t know how to respond. What would be normal? His mind was on fire, constructing different scenarios with different responses. Usually, he was able to perfectly replicate what other’s responses would be.
Having been startled by being wrong, his confidence was wanning.
“...? Dazai? Are you okay?”
Dazai blinked, realising he just froze up instead of responding. He was making too many mistakes recently. So much so, the person who has despised him for years and years had concern written all over his face. He wouldn’t be able to play this one off. His hesitation was clear something wasn’t normal about him, his jokes falling just slightly short.
So, he fell back to something he always did. He laughed with a shrug, a perfect display refined through years of practising. A little crinkle of the eyes to sell the sincerity, the slight step back.
Kunikida accepted it. He rolled his eyes, beginning to reprimand him. About what? He wasn’t sure. His focus was solely on Chuuya.
Chuuya didn’t buy it.
It was unfair. He saw all he wanted in the body of the mafioso. He felt danger claw and tear his flesh, heart drumming against his ears. The adrenaline returned.
That’s it.
He was afraid.
They had similar stories. Why- how could he have that but not him?? It shouldn’t be there. It should’ve died a long time ago, showing them to be one of the same. But Chuuya still had it.
Dazai bit his tongue, exiting the room with words garbled in his ears. Whatever he said, it seemed to be good enough for him to be excused without too much concern.
Dazai could feel Chuuya’s eyes burn into his back as he left. Bile burned the back of his throat.
He was just out to buy bandages. Sure, his attention was slipping due to a multitude of distractions, but that didn’t mean he wanted to get so off course.
Somehow, perhaps drawn there by some sick entity, he ended up at the park. The sun was just beginning to slip past its high, a few clouds lazily crossing the expanse of blue. The temperature was perfect, warm enough to forgo anything extra yet cool enough to stay out for hours in.
It made perfect sense for families to be here. Children running to and fro, exclaiming in glee and generally being children. He expected that. That wasn’t what bothered him.
Chuuya was crouched down in the shadow of a tree, a crying child sitting against the bark. Blood swelled from the child’s knee. The ginger looked stressed.
Dazai’s world fell silent. He watched the person who grew by his side, who mercilessly slaughtered their enemies, rummage around and place a bandaid on the child’s knee. He said something, shoulder shaking with a laugh and the child joined him. Stared at the mafioso with wide eyes, brimming with innocence.
How could Chuuya handle it, Dazai’s mind uselessly asked. How could he handle being near something pure without slinking into the shadows?
How could Chuuya handle the hug the child gave him without fire scorching his flesh?
Sound returned when Chuuya locked eyes with him, shock clear as day on his face. It melted away as fast as it had come, annoyance replacing it. Dazai couldn’t help but see something else when looking at him.
“What are you doing here?” The tone was accusatory, but Chuuya’s body language didn’t match. Especially not when he was the one approaching, stopping momentarily to wipe grass stains from his pants.
Dazai could feel his skin prickle, willing him to slip away. Instead, a mock innocent smile spread his lips as he tilted his head. “My my, Chibi! I didn’t know you were so possessive of public property.”
His response was a deadpan stare. Not even a sign of amusement. Damn, he thought that was a good one. “I feel like I’ve been seeing you one too many times today.”
“Our first meeting of the day and you already tire me. I’m heartbroken, truly.”
That one got a shadow of a smirk to appear for a heartbeat. “Yeah yeah, I don’t care. Now, what do you want?”
“Am I not allowed to enjoy this lovely day and take a walk in the park?”
Chuuya stared. Stared and stared to the point Dazai began to feel uncomfortable. Stared as though he could uncover all the dirtiest secrets. Stared as if deconstructing and then reconstructing his body. “What’s the matter now.”
It wasn’t a question; it was a demand. Those simple words demanded for him to lower his guard and spill his guts, speak things he intended to be buried with. It prodded his highest boast to his lowest insecurity, unrelenting and unforgiving until he remained a shell.
It was concerning how close the words were to his lips, rolling around his tongue with such a bitter flavour he wished to hurry and spit it out.
Dazai continued his sham of a human. A laugh drowned the words, forcing his confidence to rise. “Why would my dearest dog think something was wrong?”
His egging fell short. Chuuya didn’t even flinch at being referred to with the derogatory taunt. He raised a brow, raking grey eyes up and down his lanky being. And then met his eyes again with an unimpressed look.
Ah, Dazai silently cursed himself, it’s too late to run.
“Whatever. I don’t have the time nor energy to deal with you.” Chuuya turned around, shoving his hands in his pockets and he walked slowly away.
It was clear that he was baiting him. It was so obvious. Yet Dazai still bit, desperation replacing his fear. He grabbed onto the black coat, fabric bunching under his fingers. “W-wait! Where are you going?”
Chuuya didn’t bother to hide his satisfied smile. “Drinking.”
The fingers bunched tighter. Dazai opened his mouth before getting interrupted. “Just keep your mouth shut. If you get drunk, I’m leaving you.”
Dazai hid his true smile over a dramatised one. “Oh, Chuuya! You really do care for me!~”
A snort was the only response.
Contrary to first looks, both Dazai and Chuuya were able to hold their liquor very well. Chuuya’s resistance comes from being a raging alcoholic, while Dazai’s comes from his casual consumption beginning at a young age.
If you saw the two, you’d think they were the closest of friends. Only for your judgement to change, viewing them as two people that would love nothing more than to gut the other. Only to return to your origional assessment seconds later.
Liquor flushed their faces a slight red, questionably healthy competition between them.
“You’re paying, right Chibi?~”
“Bastard, you’ve drank more than me!”
Dazai’s façade slipped, genuine laughter spilling into the air. It was mostly drowned out by the business of the bar, the pair (namely Chuuya) opting to go to a public one instead of the Port Mafia’s normal ones.
Chuuya said something, nudging him with a mischievous look in his eyes. Dazai responded something back, clearly the right thing based off the other’s reaction. Another shot clinked together by the two, downed with a slew of jokes and jabs.
At first, Dazai was uncomfortable. He was never one to frequent such busy bars, sticking with his one and only going to other’s if it was absolutely necessary. However, between the drinks and the company, his barrier began to fall, even if only slightly.
He leaned his head against his palm, arm upheld by the counter. With his other hand, he idly swirled around a glass of whisky, eyes looking at Chuuya. Watching.
Dazai finally understood. Understood what the feeling of anger and disgust was. Understood why bile burned his esophagus every time he saw the other.
Watching Chuuya mingle with others. Watching Chuuya use what he so desperately craved; flaunting around what he killed to try and get. Watching Chuuya express so confidently and without regard.
Dazai was jealous.