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dazai was fourteen when the doctor found him after a suicide attempt. dazai was disappointed that he woke up. the doctor was there and smiled in a way that seemed to be a threat.
“little miss, i need a favor, are you willing to do it?”
he didn’t tell the man he was a boy. he nodded and quietly asked who he was. “mori ougai, and you are?”
dazai asked for more bandages. the doctor had a dark look in his eyes and went to grab bandages. mori-san handed him the bandages, but made sure their hands met. his hands were warm, dazai had only ever felt cold. maybe he would stay after he did whatever mori-san’s favor was.
it had taken only a week of planning for them to do it. mori-san killed the boss of the port mafia. dazai watched and felt no remorse or guilt. mori-san became the boss and he told dazai that he was now under his care. dazai didn’t join the mafia, but he knew he would. it was two days later when he asked.
“young lady, would you like to join?”
dazai nodded and mori went back to his documents. dazai continued reading. he joined the mafia.
sometime later he decided to tell the truth.
“mori-san, i’m a boy.” dazai expected those words to make him feel free, but all he felt was regret in his stomach.
“are you sure? i know what i saw when i treated you, you’d look lovely in a purple dress.” mori tried to make it out to be a joke, dazai’s throat hurt. dazai nodded and mori seemed serious now. “you will not tell anyone, you will not let anyone find out.”
dazai couldn’t breathe. everything was supposed to be fine now, but it made things worse. he should’ve pretended to be a girl.
“you’re a liability, if anyone finds out it’ll bring my name to shame. plenty of people hate me, but if they find out what you are…it will be horrible- for the both of us.” dazai should’ve chosen a different river to drown in. “do you hear me?”
he nodded and asked to be excused. mori-san never did gender him correctly.
when dazai met chuuya he felt like a real boy. chuuya would laugh at his jokes and insult him seconds later. chuuya felt like the only normal part of his life, too bad dazai had to ruin everything. boss’ orders.
“don’t kill the sheep…they’re just kids, they took…good care of me.”
“very well. you guys heard that, right? it’s time to get to work. as we discussed earlier, you’re not allowed to harm any of the kids. let’s go. it’s time we remind our enemies why we used to be called the terror of the night.”
dazai knew that at that moment chuuya figured it all out. he knew it all started at the arcade, the sheep depended too much on chuuya.
( “he’s a demon…that son of a bitch.” )
dazai and chuuya never had a good relationship. it was decent at best, they knew they could trust each other on missions, but that was only because they had to. chuuya had asked so many times for a new partner, but once mori found out about corruption he never allowed chuuya to go on a mission without dazai.
(dazai hated it so much. he hated chuuya. he hated chuuya and chuuya hated him.)
dazai sometimes wished he were more like chuuya. the way he presented himself was seen so much like a man. a real man. he was cocky and straightforward. dazai was a liar. dazai’s voice was softer and higher than chuuya’s and he had noticed. the one time chuuya mentioned it, dazai had threatened to take him out ‘port mafia style’. he didn’t believe dazai, but since then there had been no comments.
(dazai remembers asking mori how to make his voice deeper permanently and mori laughed. it wasn’t even his polite laugh, dazai felt humiliated. dazai left his office after bowing.)
dazai remembers researching different binding methods and in almost every video there was a warning, “do not bind with bandages.” dazai never did listen, sometimes dazai would cut his chest so he could ignore the weight of it and focus on the pain.
dazai and mori were in a meeting when chuuya walked in. mori had dazai’s face in his hands and was muttering, but nothing that chuuya could hear. “boss? ane-san told me you needed me?”
mori nodded and dropped dazai’s face, he stumbled back. “you have a mission in two days in aomori with them,” dazai saw chuuya’s confusion at the word them , “dazai-kun already has all the details, dismissed.” chuuya left and dazai was alone with mori again.
mori made dazai call him mori-sama when they were alone. dazai called him a pedophile and he laughed then nodded. dazai felt nauseous.
“mori- sama …is it possible for you to give me testosterone?”
dazai knew it wouldn’t make him a real boy, but if it helped him stop hating himself just a bit he’d do anything.
(his cheeks were too soft. his fingernails grew quickly, elise begged him to get a manicure with her, but he chewed and ripped his fingernails as soon as she was out of sight. his fingers had to be wrapped because of how much they bled. his hair grew too fast, he’d cut it and everytime mori would pull a fake pitying face. “osamu-chan, your long, curly hair is so lovely, why cut it?” dazai hated himself, but he hated mori more.)
mori feigned a look of surprise, “testosterone? now why would you want that, my dear?” dazai opened his mouth, but before he could speak, mori cut him off.
mori made it into another agreement.
mori was to be dazai’s only supplier. dazai would only use injections. he must take it regularly and inform mori when he did it. and if chuuya finds out- lie.
there was more, mori made sure he understood, but those were the most important.
dazai grinned at the thought of telling the slug he was overdosing on heroin, mori pulled his hair. “what’s so funny? you know this has consequences.” ah, dazai was hoping that was all, but it seems mori will just use him again.
dazai was dismissed. he was happy. (he felt like throwing up.)
two years after becoming chuuya’s partner they get together. they don’t fall into bed together, chuuya doesn’t find out.
chuuya drags dazai to his apartment. dazai let it slip that he lived in a shipping container. they went to chuuya’s so they could play video games. (they went to chuuya’s so he could take care of the taller boy.) chuuya bought canned crab for him and found him a soft blue sweatshirt that somehow fit. dazai mocked him asking if it was from one of his hookups not knowing chuuya bought it with osamu in mind.
chuuya paused the game, (what was the game?), and said, “you know i have a crush on you, right?” dazai could’ve lied. he could’ve destroyed the relationship before it even grew. dazai could have protected chuuya (even if osamu himself was the one who needed protecting). dazai nodded, “don’t worry slug, i like-like you too.”
their relationship didn’t change much, but now instead of sneering the word ‘partner’ it was said almost fondly. osamu would hold chuuya’s hands when he went non-verbal and chuuya would go to osamu when he felt the need to break something. they were not good people, but together they just fit; it was a good relationship.
dazai hated the yearly physical, they were mafia for fuck’s sake- why did they need it? mori would always mark down osamu’s gender as female. dazai told the doctor many times to not do that and all he ever says is, “i’m being medically accurate, my dear.”
dazai stopped protesting when mori started touching him.
dazai came out of the physical with two new inches of height. he could rub it into the slug’s face later. for now, he needed to clean himself. sometimes dazai wonders how things would be different if chuuya knew. surely kouyou-san would be a bit kinder wouldn’t she? she was always softer on her girls. (would she see him as a girl? would she call him lass?)
kouyou-san was so much better than mori. she wasn’t motherly, but dazai saw her brush chuuya’s hair softly and gave him many articles of clothing. (dazai expected her to give him expensive leather jackets, but the one time he saw chuuya open a gift it was something unexpected. it was baby blue socks with clouds on it and a popular candy from a few towns over.)
all mori ever gifted him was things that made him feel like vomiting. almost all the gifts were dresses, dazai tried one on. it made him feel like he had bugs in his skin, the scratching made him reopen a few cuts. he started to throw them away after that. (when mori had visited his container, he asked where all the ‘lovely’ dresses were, dazai lied and said he gave them to gin-chan. mori knew he was lying.)
dazai liked skirts. he liked the long ones that were shin length, but he wasn’t a girl and didn’t want to be perceived as one, so he couldn’t wear them. chuuya wore blue hair bands in his hair that someone gifted him and dazai wanted to steal them and keep them for himself.
(dazai’s favorite color was white. he saw white hair clips with a small puppy on them and desperately wanted to waste his money on them. chuuya saw pink hair clips with a small kitten on it and bought them for himself. whenever osamu spent the night at chuuya’s house he would use the small clips to hold his bangs up when reading a book.)
being oda’s friend felt like being normal. sure, they’d talk about their jobs, but dazai felt like a child with him. oda would tell dazai to slow down on his drinking as if it was an afterthought, not like he was talking to the demon prodigy . dazai would order water after odasaku would say that. ango was dazai’s friend too, but he wasn’t as present as oda. dazai knew he could trust the both of them. they were his best friends. he didn’t tell them he was transgender, but he did tell them how annoying his boyfriend was and how he hated meetings with mori.
when dazai would get too drunk, ango would find a taxi to take him back to oda’s and he’d help oda carry dazai in. oda would get in the taxi and gave them his own address, but ango never seemed to follow. oda didn’t know dazai’s living conditions, but he knew it wasn’t a home. oda would tuck dazai into bed like he was a fragile child. he would whisper to osamu ‘goodnight’ and ruffle his hair. dazai doesn’t know if oda ever slept those nights, but he always awoke to odasaku yelling that there was coffee ready.
sometimes oda would say things that would make dazai think, ‘he knows, he knows, he knows.”
“let yourself breathe, those bandages have been on too long.”
“you need a break more than just showering.”
maybe he just meant to disinfect his cuts more often, not his chest being binded down. binding often made dazai lightheaded and bruised his skin, but he hated himself a little less so it was okay. anytime odasaku would allude to dazai being transgender, he would simply nod and glance at ango to see if he knew too. (he was too smart not to know.)
oda was dying in osamu’s arms. dazai wanted to scream at odasaku for leaving him too early. of course, he always knew oda would leave him, that he would be lost, but he didn’t want it to be this soon. ango was a traitor, chuuya was in another country. he doesn’t regret trusting ango, but he does regret what happened.
“nothing in this world’ll be able to fill your empty inside you. you’ll be lost in the darkness forever.”
osamu wasn’t expecting odasaku to tell him that everything would be okay, but he wasn’t expecting the harsh reality. he knows he’s the one who is messed up, he’s not human, he was either born this way or constructed to be like this because of mori, it doesn’t matter.
“what should i do?” oda wants him to be a man of the light, but that was oda, never him.
dazai was a child, he wasn’t strong enough for this. oda was a selfish man, but if this was his last request then dazai would have to fullfill it. “become a good man.” dazai belonged to the mafia, belonged to mori, his blood was more mafia black than chuuya’s.
“...because i am your friend.” dazai hates oda for saying that. for looking like that. dazai hates oda for leaving him behind, he knew all dazai wanted to do was die. dazai should’ve called for backup, but mori would never approve of it despite dazai’s rank.
“people live to save themselves.” dazai wanted to press his sweaty forehead against oda’s forehead, but he knew that it would just make this harder. he put down the body, (he was breathing too hard), and left the building. he threw up.
dazai would leave the port mafia. (chuuya is still gone, he can get his things from his apartment without worrying.)
dazai has only been in hiding for two weeks. all his phones are off. he feels like he’s dying. he hasn’t eaten in three days, hasn’t slept in two, but he at least kept himself hydrated. he knows odasaku would chastise him for neglecting himself, but lately he doesn’t even feel like getting out of his futon.
dazai drags himself to the small kitchen of his shitty apartment and finds an empty cup. he turns on the cold water and fills the cup, he guzzles the drink and opens the cabinet looking for something to eat. canned crab.
dazai hasn’t been binding. it’s winter so it’s cold enough to wear two sweaters and not feel uncomfortable. he remembers hearing about using tape to get rid of a chest, but that seems worse than bandages. bandages still cover recent cuts and marks, but his chest has been free since he lost oda. he no longer has the desire to live (even if it was barely there before) so he no longer puts in any effort for anything. he hasn’t bought sake from the grocery yet.
dazai doesn’t know if he’s being a man right . in the mafia he had his (ex)boyfriend and bestfriends as examples of real men, but now he has nobody. (does his landlord count? she’s pretty masculine.)
dazai searches up: binding chest for trans man. the results mention chest binders, so he decides to look that up next. he clicks on the website for gc2b, apparently their binders are affordable and high quality. he should probably research more about chest binders and the company, but he doesn’t want to bother, he’s too tired. he picks a small and hopes it’s the right size.
it’ll arrive in a week or so. dazai hasn’t changed himself into a good man yet, but he hopes odasaku is proud of this small action. dazai will be better, he’ll protect the orphans and help the weak.
dazai closes his eyes and decides to save the crab for after his nap. (his nap lasts five hours. he feels better.)