Chapter Text
“Don't turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.” – Rumi
Regulus did not want to be a Prefect in his fifth year. But after Sirius left the previous Christmas he had spent the entire summer break hearing from his parents how it was more important than ever to uphold the family image. His parents expected nothing less than pristine grades and reputation to make up for the smeared reputation left in Sirius’ wake. There had been no point in protesting, less he wanted a beating worthy of his older brother, so Regulus trudged to the Prefect section of the Hogwarts Express where he’d endure his first meeting.
Sirius had left home at the end of the last Christmas break and it took all of Regulus’ limited courage not to follow him. He had snuck out to meet a girl the night before and Kreatcher had no choice but to rat him out when their mother asked where he’d gone to. Sirius stayed out well past midnight, when their parents eventually turned down for the night. Regulus tried to stay up and wait for his brother to come home, tried to warn him about what was likely coming. The calm that had settled over Walburga that night could be described as nothing other than the calm before the storm.
Regulus had stayed up so late waiting for him that he slept in late enough to miss breakfast entirely. Normally he would have gotten a beating of his own for such a thing. But his mothers screaming and the crashing sound from downstairs that followed that woke him up told him that his parents were too preoccupied to care about his absence.
So he sat in his room and listened to his brother get beat. Listened to the poison words their mother used. Kreatcher came in his room to keep him company, knowing how hard it was for Regulus to hear Sirius get hurt, but neither had much to say so they listened together. It was worse than usual, by a lot. The girl Sirius had snuck out to be with was a muggle who lived only a few streets down. It was practically suicidal of him.
Normally Sirius would come wordlessly into Regulus’ room afterward and they would play chess or something that didn’t require speaking or much movement. But the house fell silent and Sirius never came up. He’d left. And he never came back.
The following summer was grim and lonely, and bitterness nearly consumed Regulus. The only sign that Sirius had ever existed was his untouched bedroom. No one spoke of him and all the family portraits that included him had been taken down. With him gone the burden of being the Black family heir landed on Regulus’ already weakened shoulders. He’d spent many a night over the summer in his fathers study learning everything Sirius had been taught growing up. How the family finances were maintained, the best ways to uphold the family legacy in the public eye, how to conduct himself in front of specific people. Then of course there was the aspect of the Black family’s political alignment.
Which he had been doing his best to think about as little as possible.
The Prefects compartment was already halfway full and instead of striking up a conversation and getting to know the other students he’d be working with, like almost everyone else in the room was already doing, Regulus took his seat and waited for the meeting to start.
The time passed quickly and soon the other seats were being filled. None of his friends, not that he had many in the first place, were Prefects so he didn’t have anyone that he was hoping to sit next to. But had he not been an expert at masking his emotions he surely would have looked shocked when James Potter took the seat beside him. Regulus watched him carefully out of his peripheral vision, trying to study the boy. He had showed up to the Prefect meeting without his school robes, because of course Potter can’t possess the ability to be professional even for half an hour. His hair had gotten a good inch of so longer and had still yet to be tamed, sticking up at every angle. The only movement he made was to push his glasses higher up on his nose.
Regulus crossed his arms, under his chest out of habit, and turned his crossed legs away from Potter. He was someone Regulus never sought out for company, but he had spent quite a few days with Sirius’ friends after classes ended for the day. Though the two brothers had undeniably grown apart in their school years they were still brothers, after all. Regulus preferred Remus out of the whole bunch but mostly preferred spending time with Sirius alone. But it wasn’t always possible. Potter had always annoyed him the most, but he and Sirius had always been on good enough terms for Regulus to bite his tongue.
But Sirius left him for Potter. When school started up again after the Christmas holiday Sirius had tried, and failed, to try to talk to Regulus. Since May they’d all together ignored each other, Sirius’ friends included.
Potter’s leg only inches away from his own had him resisting the urge to squirm in his seat. His presence was something palpable and Regulus was sure if he had swiped his hand between them the air would have shifted. Potter took up an entire rooms worth of space with his inflated ego. It had a presence all of its own. Regulus wanted to throw himself out of his chair and flee the meeting, but kept his feet planted with thoughts of what his mother would say if word got back that he left.
“Alright then, Reg?”
He turned only his head to face Potter, whose expression was nearly as unreadable as his own. Regulus’ eyes narrowed at him, seeking for meaning in his face. He imagined Sirius asking Potter to check in on him, too much of a coward to do it himself. The thought made him scoff and he turned forward once more.
“Regulus,” he corrected, tone expertly even. “I’m fine.”
Out of the corner of his eye he watched Potter nod his head and take his bottom lip in before he replied. Funny how someone with such a big head could be so dim. “Have a good summer?”
Regulus could have laughed. He was so transparent it was pathetic. He almost felt bad for him. But thinking about Sirius sending Potter to do his dirty work, and Potter being ready to comply, kept him from it. “Yeah, fine,” he answered lamely.
“Do anything fun?”
Regulus straightened and turned towards Potter, his face flushed with his irritation. Potter nearly flinched, whether at the suddenness of his movement or the harshness in his expression. “You can tell Sirius I survived just fine without him,” he snapped. “Since you won’t just spit it out.” He leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms and legs once more and turning away from Potter as much as he could with someone sitting on his other side.
Potter didn’t speak right away, shifting his posture in his seat and visibly uncomfortable. Regulus willed for the meeting to start before he could speak again. But he had never been lucky, so why would he start now? “He just wants to know you’re okay.”
“I was fine, no thanks to him,” Regulus replied, his voice low. Sirius may have been open about how the Black’s treated their children, but Regulus wanted to keep his dignity for just a bit longer. “If he had just stuck it out he’d have been there and wouldn’t have to get information about be secondhand.”
“That’s not fair,” Potter said, keeping his volume just as low. “He shouldn’t have to endure that, and neither should you.”
This years Head Girl and Boy made to stand in front of the seated Prefects and Regulus let out a shore breath of relief. “This conversation is over, Potter,” he muttered. To his surprised he listened.
The Head Girl and Boy delved into a speech about the importance of being a Prefect and what was expected of them, both in reputation and responsibility. Regulus tried his hardest to pay attention but his mind wandered to his brother. How he’d spent the whole summer dicking around with Potter while Regulus had never had a worse two months of his life. How Sirius was too weak to stick around just a little longer, just until they could both leave responsibly. How Regulus was the weak one for not having the courage to abandon his family.
He was caught up in his own thoughts enough that the meeting flew by and before he knew it the patrolling schedules for the first two months of term were being handed out. Butterflies anxiously erupted in his stomach when he got his own handed to him, praying to the gods he wouldn’t get completely shit partners. He took in the schedule, his stomach plummeting down into the earth almost immediately.
Patrols every Tuesday with Potter.
Regulus resisted the urge to groan as he folded up the schedule and shoved it into his pocket, hardly bothering to read the rest of it. Potter didn’t seem to notice as quickly, but his face flushed crimson after a few moments passed and he shifted away from Regulus ever so slightly. At least he wouldn’t be the only one suffering.
Once the schedules were handed out people started filing out of the room and Regulus was eager to join them and get away from Potter. But whether he was doing so on purpose or his much longer legs carrying him quicker he soon was back by Regulus’ side. “See you on Tuesday, then?”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Don’t remind me,” he muttered before pushing his way forward to get away from the Gryffindor.
He made his way through the train to the Slytherin section to find his friends. Barty, Evan, and Narcissa sat in a compartment together, and he recognized Bellatrix’s cackle just a few rooms down. He opened the compartment and went to take his seat but Barty stopped him, pulling him into a hug.
Regulus’ brows pulled together and he kept his arms firmly planted at his sides. The only person who was ever touchy with him was Narcissa, and he only allowed her to because she was family. “Did you miss me or something?” he asked skeptically.
Barty gave him one last squeeze before pulling away, his eyes falling down to land on Regulus’ chest. “You got it done, then, yeah?”
Heat engulfed Regulus’ face ands he shoved his friend off of him. “Piss off,” he muttered, falling down into the empty spot beside Narcissa.
“Hey, relax, I’m happy for you,” Barty said, brushing him off with a wave of his hand. “How was the meeting?”
“Boring,” Regulus replied, crossing his legs and looking over at his cousin. “How did you get out of having to be a Prefect?”
She shrugged her shoulders, flashing a cheeky smile. “I said I’d do the application all on my own and accidentally didn’t send it on time.” She brushed her hair behind her shoulders, always needing to look pristine. “Plus Bella never had to do it. Because she didn’t get approved for it, but still. Walburga wouldn’t let you off easy?”
Regulus snorted, “When has she ever?”
“What’s the schedule look like?” Evan asked. Regulus let out a short breath of relief, happy to talk about anything other than his mother. “Got any good partners?”
He rolled his eyes and took his schedule out of his pocket, handing it to his friend. “Not really,” he said, “Check out Tuesdays.”
Barty sucked his teeth, “Got stuck with the blood traitor,” he said. “That’s rotten.”
“I know, every week too. Not just this week.” He leaned his head back against the seat, squeezing his eyes shut. “Sirius has already sent him to check on me. I can imagine it won’t be the last time now that I’m doomed to his company.”
Narcissa’s brows creased, “When was the last time you spoke to Sirius?” Though she was still a loyal member of the House of Black she knew what Sirius being gone had done to Regulus. She had more than once tried to convince him to talk to his brother but he’d gotten sick of hearing it a long time ago.
“May,” he answered flatly.
“You know, if you don’t make up with him before he graduates you’ll probably never speak to him again,” she mused.
Regulus snatched the schedule out of Evan’s hand and stuffed it back into his pocket, crossing his arms under his chest. “Then so be it,” he said, his tone still even. “I’m not interested in letting bygones be bygones right now.”
Narcissa hummed quietly, playing with a strand of blonde hair. “Just think about it, Reg.”
Regulus frowned slightly. The only people allowed to call him anything other than his proper name were family members, the only exception being Evan and Barty. Thinking about how casually Potter used the same nickname on him made his stomach twist in a sour knot. Did Sirius still call him that? Was that how all of his friends referred to him behind his back, and Potter was the only one brave enough to say it to his face?
The first day back at Hogwarts after a break always felt like an eternity, and now that he was a Prefect he had to wait to help escort the first year Slytherins to the dungeons. Regulus far from considered himself good with kids but he couldn’t help but feel sympathetic when he saw how scared some of them were as they maneuvered the dungeon halls. Thankfully the older Slytherin Prefects were in charge of giving the first years the welcoming speech and after much too long he was trudging up the stairs to his dorm. Evan and Barty were already changed and ready for bed, listening to a record and laughing about something with Regulus walked in. He grabbed nightclothes from his suitcase and closed himself in the bathroom.
He pulled his shirt over his head and his eyes caught his reflection in the mirror. Regulus leaned against the sink, running a tentative hand across his chest and the scars that had almost completely healed. He’d already come out to his family by the time he started Hogwarts, and though they were eager to have a second son (which meant a backup heir to the Black name if anything happened to Sirius) they never bothered to help him transition past addressing him correctly.
He'd given up hope of any kind of surgery a while ago. But with Sirius gone it was more important than ever for Regulus to live up to his new reputation. And though most people knew he hadn’t been born a boy his parents had insisted it would be unacceptable to ever be perceived as anything but. It was one of the few things he agreed with them on. So, just before his birthday over the summer, they took him to St. Mungo’s for his top surgery.
A small part of him was bitter. It was something he’d wanted terribly for years, but his parents hadn’t arranged it for his sake. It wouldn’t have mattered whether he wanted to or not. But he tried not to focus on what else his parents would do to his body if they so pleased and instead tried to be thankful he was one step closer to the body he wanted.
Feeling more secure in his looks he’d let his hair grow out over the summer, too. He’d worried it would make him look feminine, and perhaps it would have had his face not gotten more chiseled and defined over the summer as well. As he stared into the mirror in his dorm bathroom he fully realized just how much about him had changed. He quickly pushed the thought out of his head before it could run wild.
He changed into more comfortable pants but hesitated before putting his shirt on. His mother would have yelled at him for it but he felt the urge to show his new body off, even if only for a few minutes. It was something he’d wanted for so long and Barty had said he was happy for him. His friends had always been supportive, never once misgendering him. And warm enough weather to go swimming at the black lake was months away. He sucked in a deep breath before emerging from the bathroom with his shirt balled in his hand.
He was halfway to his bed when Barty whistled at him. “Look at you, strutting around with your new body.”
Blush coated his cheeks as he lowered onto his bed, “I don’t strut,” he muttered, wrapping his arms around his legs.
Evan rolled his eyes at Barty and otherwise ignored him. “It looks really natural. Despite the scars. Do they bother you?”
Regulus shrugged, glancing down at himself. “Not really,” he admitted. “Not like anyone other than you guys will see it, anyway. And I’m lucky, the way that muggles do it the scaring is a lot worse.”
“Muggles do it too?”
He nodded, “Unfortunately there isn’t exactly much wizard centric trans material, so I had to read some muggle books on it when I was younger. Some muggles never heal more than this. They sent me home with a potion to take once a week and they said it’ll be gone by Christmas.”
“Aw, come on, you’re not gonna show off to some girl?” Barty asked, “Still not gonna give it up?”
Regulus blushed. As open and accepted as he was with his gender he knew the case wouldn’t be the same with sexuality. Especially not in the Black family, where an heir was expected of everyone, but mostly him as the only male and, therefore, the only one who would pass down the name. He would rather be in the closet and still respected than out and ridiculed. It didn’t seem worth it for him personally.
“I still don’t have the parts for that yet,” he said instead, not able to look directly at either of his friends. “Truthfully I don’t think mums in much of a rush for that one.”
“Why?”
His face got even hotter. “Because even if I get bottom surgery I won’t be able to get anyone pregnant. It’ll be the scandal of the decade when I have to adopt, or use a surrogate.”
Evan snorted, shaking his head. “Can’t wait to see how old Walburga handles that one.”
“Maybe she’ll make up with Sirius just long enough for him to get your wife pregnant,” Barty offered.
Regulus rolled his eyes and pulled his shirt over his head. “And with that I’m going to bed,” he announced, laying down on his back. “I do not want to talk about my future wife and Sirius in any capacity. And you know my mother would never.”