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Fragments of his memories flashed before Xie Lian’s eyes. They darted back and forth, taunting him with their movements. As they blurred before his eyes, he started to lose track of them; his vision started to spin and darken once again. Memories swirled towards him, each feeling like a stab to the heart. There was no blood, but he could almost feel it dripping out of him with every additional part of his thoughts.
Eyes snapped open, each breath harsh and quick. His skin was coated in the darkness around him, heavy and dense and pressing down on him. It pushed him further down into the bed, trying to suffocate him. Can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t br-
Someone was shaking him, frantic yet gentle. Dark hair brushed against his cheek as he flinched. They withdrew, positioning themself a bit further away so as not to startle Xie Lian any more than they had already. He heard the bed creak and listened to them move away, only to return a few moments later.
He flinched as they shuffled closer, still trapped in the nightmares from his past. “Just breathe, gege,” Xie Lian heard the other person whispering to him. “It’s alright, you’ll be alright.” The voice was barely recognized as belonging to Hua Cheng, his senses blurry and disoriented.
“S... San Lang?” Xie Lian whispered hoarsely, slowly opening his eyes.
“Here, drink.” He helped Xie Lian sit up and carefully sip at the water, gently rubbing his back. As his breathing evened out, Hua Cheng set the glass aside and watched Xie Lian attempt to calm down.
“Thank you, San Lang,” he smiled up at his husband, but his eyes were full of nothing. The only things Hua Cheng could find searching in them were fear and exhaustion. He looked so tired and frail next to him, almost as if he would wilt away at any moment.
These nights had always been the worst for Xie Lian, even as they grew fewer and farther in between. Both of them knew that even if they somehow went away, it would take a very long time to happen. For now, Hua Cheng would do anything he could to make them even slightly better for his husband.
“Is there anything you need to talk about, gege?”
“Mm, I’m alright. It’s just the same things it’s always been, don’t worry, San Lang.”
They both knew it was a lie, the closest Xie Lian would get to admitting how much the past still bothered him. That knowing it still affected him in this way was embarrassing to him; it felt shameful to the point he still attempted to cover it up despite knowing Hua Cheng would always see past it. Sometimes he hated knowing his husband had that ability, that he knew him so well that he’d always see everything that Xie Lian hated about himself, everything that made him weak and imperfect. He didn’t particularly mind that Hua Cheng knew, but he wished he could at least hide it from himself. San Lang would never judge him for any of it though, wouldn’t hear a word of the self-deprecating things that would be bitterly muttered sometimes. In times like these, he would only be there to support his husband in the ways he could. Right now, that was by holding Xie Lian in his arms and gently stroking his hair the way he knew his husband liked it, letting out a quiet breath of relief as Xie Lian’s muscles relaxed and he leaned into Hua Cheng.
He waited until Xie Lian’s breathing had steadied, and then asked, “Are you sure you don’t need to talk about anything, gege? I’m here to listen for anything gege might need.”
“San Lang... Would any of this be my fault? After all, I-”
He was cut off quickly with a soft but harsh “No. None of it was gege’s fault at all, and none of it ever will be. Even if an eternity passed, nothing could ever be found to be your fault in this.”
He nodded, burying his face into Hua Cheng’s chest as a soft kiss was brushed across the top of his head. Maybe the morning would come with a few words, a small explanation for something that hurt so deeply, or maybe it would come a few days later. Neither of them cared about that right now; no words needed to be said between them to understand that things would be okay. For now, this was all that Xie Lian needed, to be held and know that he was not to blame, that what caused him the most hurt was not because of him. Sometimes, that was all someone would ever need to get them through the night. That was all
he
needed to get through tonight, and Hua Cheng would be there every step of the way. Xie Lian had been through hell and back, but this man that he loved more than anything had always led him back home, had always protected him in the ways he could, had always been there for him. Those nights he cried on his own, the ones just like tonight and filled with nightmares of past horrors, they were always made just a bit better knowing that the comfort that he needed would always be there for him. Eight hundred years on his own hadn’t been easy, but the past few years with Hua Cheng by his side had made it a bit easier. It’d still take time, yes, but he would be alright. Even if those horrors never fully went away, Xie Lian would be alright.
His eyes started to droop as his vision began to blur again. Head nodding, he curled up further in Hua Cheng’s arms, slowly falling asleep. Xie Lian hummed as he felt strong arms rubbing his back and wrapping a blanket around the two of them, his consciousness fading into a comfortable and thankfully dreamless sleep. Things really would be okay if he could stay this way forever.