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This isn’t the first time Jade has found herself at Tori’s door, but only the second time she’s been able to bring herself to knock.
The only other time she’s actually come inside was the first time she broke up with Beck. She’d said something along the lines of “I don’t want anyone cool to see me like this,” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. None of her “friends” are cool, so she could have gone to any of them. But Cat isn’t the best with advice (or anything, really), Robbie might try to make a move on her (and then cry when she kicks him in the shin), and Andre is terrified of her (and lives with his grandmother, who makes her want to rip her hair out), leaving Tori as her only option.
Are there problems with going to Tori for help? Absolutely. Tori could ruin her. One tweet on the Slap about Jade showing up to her house at 3 am with tears running down her face, and they’d both be done for (Tori by Jade’s hand, or rather, her boot). Does Jade think Tori would out her like that? Of course not. Is she going to keep feeding her paranoia in hopes that she’ll run back to her car and get the fuck out of here? Absolutely.
That’s the problem with Tori, the thing that Jade hates the most about her: she listens. She listens, and she fucking cares, and it drives Jade fucking insane.
Tori should hate her. Jade’s been trying to get Tori to hate her for the past three years, but no matter what she does, Tori’s still the only one who invites her to hang out with the group (not that she wants to, anyway), the only one who texts her their homework assignments when she’s sick (like she can’t just get it online), the only one who asks if something is up when Jade’s in a worse mood than usual (not that she wants anyone to ask). She’s so different than anyone else Jade has ever met, and it’s infuriating.
Jade is fantastic at driving people away, and she always has been. People are scared of her and that’s how she likes it. She has no commitments, no responsibilities when it comes to other people. She doesn’t have to care. And yet, Tori makes her care. She stands her ground and doesn’t let Jade push her away, no matter what Jade does to try to ruin her life. It makes no fucking sense.
Sighing, Jade rests her head against the door, wondering what she’s doing here. She’s had this exact conversation with herself on five seperate occasions now, about how ‘Tori’s annoying’ and ‘you two should hate each other’ and ‘Tori’s going to tell everyone you showed up at her house in tears and then everyone’s gonna know you’re fucking weak.’ But it’s all lies, and it always is.
Before she can talk herself out of it, Jade knocks on the door.
About a minute passes before Jade hears footsteps coming down the stairs, and her immediate thought is ’oh fuck I should have just texted her what if Trina comes to the door oh god’, but thankfully it’s Tori’s half-asleep voice she hears on the other side of the door.
“Are you here to kill me?” She asks, and Jade has to roll her eyes.
“No, but I’m freezing my tits off out here, so I will if you don’t open your door,” she calls back, and she can practically feel Tori’s confusion through the door.
It swings open, and Jade is hit with the sudden overwhelming urge to run because Tori’s hair is in pigtails and she looks cute, and Jade fucking hates things that are cute, and hates that she’s here in the first place.
“Jade, it’s 3 am,” Tori whines, eliciting another eye roll from Jade. “What are you doing here?”
“And it’s a Saturday night, so you can sleep in tomorrow. Be happy I didn’t wake you up on a Tuesday,” Jade replies, folding her arms. She walks past Tori into the house, then plops down onto the couch and faces away from Tori.
Tori sighs and closes the door behind her, then walks around the couch so she's facing Jade. She throws her arms out to her sides. "Alright, you're here. What do you want?"
Jade isn't sure what she wants. Frankly, Jade isn't even sure why she came over in the first place. She was sad, she was lonely, and no matter what her thoughts kept going back to Tori, Tori, Tori.
"I hate you," Jade says simply.
Tori folds her arms. "You drove all the way to my house at 3 am to tell me you hate me?"
"Yup," Jade replies, standing up. She needs to get out of here before she says something stupid. "And I've done that, so I'll be going now."
Jade turns to leave, but Tori walks forward and reaches for her arm before she can. "Jade, wait," she says, and Jade yanks her arm away.
"What do you want?" She snaps. As always, Tori looks unphased by her tone.
"You wouldn't just come here without a good reason," Tori replies. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," Jade hisses, leaning in. "Don't act like you give a shit. Just kick me out already so we can forget this ever happened."
Tori sighs and sits down on the couch, then pats the spot next to her. "Come on," she begs. "Talk to me."
"Why should I?"
"Talking about your feelings makes things feel better," Tori says simply. "And you’re upset."
"Who said I'm upset?"
Tori just laughs her stupid, cute laugh and pats the spot next to her again. "I can tell when you are."
Grumbling, Jade sits down on the couch next to Tori, then rests her chin in her hands, not looking at the other girl. Tori shifts a little so she's facing Jade, then hugs one knee to her chest. "Tell me what's up."
"I'm sad," Jade replies, feigning annoyance.
"Uh huh, about what?"
She huffs. "Life, Beck, everything? I don't know. Again, stop pretending like you give a shit."
"Well," Tori begins, and Jade turns to look at her. Even with bed hair and sleepy eyes, she's still gorgeous. Jade pushes the thoughts away. "Maybe you're my friend, even though you try to ruin my life, and I actually do give a shit."
Jade shifts uncomfortably, then opens her mouth to snap back, but can't. She's tired, and Tori’s being so nice and Jade doesn't want her to stop.
"...yeah?" Is all she manages to get out in reply.
"Yeah," Tori agrees. "You're upset about Beck?"
Jade scoffs. "As if," she replies. “We fought every day for years. He didn’t care about me.”
Tori raises an eyebrow. “Well, have you maybe thought about why you were always fighting?”
Because I never loved him in the first place, is what Jade wants to say, but she doesn’t. Instead, she tries to think of a witty comeback to Tori’s insult, but nothing comes to mind.
Jade hates when Tori is right. More than anything. And Tori is always right.
Jade buries her face in her hands.
“Because I’m the worst,” Jade admits, hiccuping. She can’t see Tori, but she knows the other girl is staring at her in stunned silence.
“Wh-” Tori finally snaps out of it after a solid thirty seconds. “Hey, no, that’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” Jade asks. “I’m the biggest bitch on the planet. And I like it that way, right? I like everyone hating me. That way I don’t have to worry about fucking something up with someone after we’re already friends.” She reaches up to wipe her eyes, black tears from her eye makeup smudging onto her hands. Why had she put makeup on if she knew she was just going to come over here and cry?
“I like it that way,” Jade repeats, more for herself than for Tori. “I like it when people don’t like me. And I don’t like liking people.”
“Oh, Jade,” Tori coos, putting a hand on her back. Surprising both Tori and herself, Jade doesn’t pull away. “Everyone deserves to be liked.”
“Not some freak like me,” Jade murmurs. Tori just laughs softly.
“Hey,” she whispers. “Just because you have some… uncommon interests, that doesn’t make you a freak. I actually thought that last short film you did was kinda cool, by the way.”
Jade looks up at Tori, wondering just how covered in mascara her cheeks are. “Really?” She asks.
Tori beams. “Yeah! I mean, it was terrifying and I couldn’t sleep for three days after watching it, but I liked the concept. Plus the, err…” Tori shudders. “Gore makeup was very realistic. It was super impressive.”
Jade shakes her head. “It wasn’t supposed to be terrifying,” she says. “Dark doesn’t equal terrifying.”
“Yeah, well,” Tori removes her hand from Jade’s back, setting it in her lap. “That’s true for you, too. Trust me, if I hated you, I would have kicked you out by now.”
“You’re not just keeping me here because you know I have scissors in my pocket and you’re afraid I’ll use them?”
“No, of course n- what?” Tori blinks at her. “Why do you always have scissors in your pocket?”
Jade huffs out a laugh. “Just in case,” she says with a hint of a smirk.
Tori sighs and holds out her hands, and Jade hesitates before reaching for the scissors in her pocket and placing them in her open palm. The girl gives her a Look, and Jade, defeated, has to pull the pair from her boot as well.
“Good girl,” Tori says, and Jade’s heart flutters. Man, this whole night is not helping her stupid little crush on Tori one bit. “Do you have any more?”
“No,” Jade replies, and it’s the truth. Tori hums, satisfied, and places the scissors on the other side of the couch, far away from Jade.
Jade goes back to curling in on herself, hugging her knees to her chest. Tori looks at her with a sad smile, then reaches back around the couch for a box of tissues to hand to Jade, which the latter gratefully accepts.
She pulls one out and starts wiping at her cheeks, cringing when nearly half the tissue has turned black. “Thanks,” she murmurs, then sets the tissue box on the coffee table beside her.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Jade finally asks.
“Because you deserve it,” Tori replies without hesitation. “Even if you’re kind of a bitch to me sometimes, you’re still my friend.”
“Why?”
“Well,” Tori begins. “You’re funny, for one. Maybe it’s a little sadistic, but watching you pick on Robbie kind of cracks me up sometimes. You’re really strong, and I’ve seen you bounce back from a lot. Plus, you’re a really caring person, even if you pretend you aren’t.” Tori sits back so she can get a better look at Jade. “You act like you hate everyone, yet you still help Andre write his lyrics, still help Cat dye her hair, still hang out with Robbie even though he’s… pretty weird.” She shudders at that. “And you still support me through everything, even though you pretend I’m your worst enemy. And you trust me enough to come to me about stuff like this. That means a lot.”
Tori is… so stupid.
Even with everything she just said taken into account, she should still hate Jade. Rage bubbles up inside her chest, thoughts of bad and lies and run away clouding her mind. She clenches her hands into fists.
“I hate you,” she lies. “You’re supposed to hate me, too.”
“I don’t,” Tori insists, then hesitates before adding, “do you want to go home?”
“No,” Jade blurts out before she can stop herself. “Fuck. Maybe? I don’t know. I hate feelings.”
“What are you feeling?” Tori asks.
Jade has to think about that for a moment. There’s the obvious anger, the despair, but hidden under all that there’s… longing. A longing for Tori, a longing to put her head on the girl’s shoulder and keep it there for the rest of the night. She opens her mouth to tell Tori this, then closes it. She can’t admit to it. She can never admit to that.
“I’m…” Jade swallows her nerves. “Glad I’m here.”
Tori nods slowly, resting her cheek on her hand. “Good,” she murmurs. “Um. Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, what is it?”
“Are you…” she begins, then shakes her head. “You said you think Beck never liked you. That surprised me.”
“Yeah,” Jade agress. “I don’t think he ever did. I don’t think I ever liked him, either.”
“Then why did you two stay together for so long?”
Jade takes a deep breath. Here goes.
“Because I was in denial,” she says. “About…”
Tori just waits for her to spit it out, not saying a word. Jade wants to cry again. This is too much.
“Not… liking guys,” she finally says. “I thought if I had a boyfriend, I’d stop getting stupid little crushes on girls, but that never happened.”
She expects Tori to stand up and show her to the door. To kick her out and tell Jade to never talk to her again. To hate her. But instead of doing any of that, Tori just gives her a soft smile.
“Hey, that’s okay,” she whispers. “You know I don’t care about things like that.”
Logically, Jade knew that. Tori isn’t a judgemental person in the slightest. But if Tori knew she was the person Jade was crushing on…
“Yeah,” Jade whispers back. “Yeah, I know.”
Tori sits up, bouncing eagerly. “So,” she says. “Are there any girls you have a stupid little crush on? Cat, maybe?”
Jade just laughs awkwardly. “Um… that one lasted for a week, and then I caught her drinking soup with a straw.”
Tori’s face falls. “What’s wrong with drinking soup from a straw?” She asks, mortified. Jade wants to punch her.
“Oh god, not you too!”
Tori starts laughing, and after a moment, Jade starts laughing, too. The two girls just sit in the 4 am moonlight, giggling at each other about the absurdity of Tori’s comment, then sigh and lie back against the couch, smiling up at Jade.
“You’re really pretty,” Tori tells her, and Jade’s heart jumps into her throat.
“Uh- thanks,” Jade stutters. “You… um. Yeah. Ditto.”
They’re silent after that, Tori just looking at Jade and Jade growing increasingly uncomfortable under her gaze. She squirms, and Tori just laughs again.
Then, without thinking, Jade blurts out something stupid.
“So are you gonna kiss me or what?” She says, and Tori roars with laughter.
Jade immediately flushes in embarrassment, realizing she’s horribly misread the situation. She stares at Tori with wide eyes, then scrambles for her scissors and makes a run for the door.
“Jade, wait!” Tori calls, jumping up from the couch and grabbing her arm. Jade yanks it away.
“Don’t touch me!” Jade snaps, then drops the scissors to the floor and covers her face with her hands. “I’m sorry.”
Tori takes a step forward, then gently pries Jade’s hands away from her face. “Don’t be, '' Tori whispers, then presses a quick, soft kiss to her lips.
Jade stares at her, stunned. “Why did you do that?” She asks in disbelief.
Tori just giggles. “Because maybe I have a stupid little crush on you, too.”
Jade’s heart starts racing. This is not where she expected the night to go, but here she is. Tori is holding her hands. Tori had just kissed her, and is now smiling down at her softly.
“Oh,” Jade says stupidly. “Why?”
“I already told you why,” Tori replies, squeezing her hands. “But do you want me to tell you again?”
“No. Too sappy. Can’t do it,” Jade says. “Kiss me again, though?”
Tori hums, then reaches up to place a hand on Jade’s cheek. Jade wraps her arms around Tori’s waist and pulls her closer, closer, until their bodies are flush together. She sighs into the kiss.
Maybe having a crush on Tori wouldn’t be so bad, after all.