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The problem with meeting his soulmate when he’s twelve years old isn’t the awkwardness of the first meeting, the language barrier between the two of them, Or even the fact that in addition to being soulmates, they’re now company-assigned rivals.
Some people would call it a blessing, especially those people not lucky enough to have met their soulmates yet. People who wait years and years and hope that one day their lives will slow down enough that the one that is fated for them will appear before it’s too late.
But they wouldn’t understand.
Nobody understands.
It’s complicated.
Not just because of their jobs, the path that they choose for themselves that inevitably brought the two of them together. Not just because of their constant proximity, being in nearly every song and project and group together.
It’s complicated because sometimes Mark feels like he’s drowning in the weight of it all, and then he looks over at his soulmate - at Donghyuck - and it doesn’t feel like he’s drowning anymore.
And that… That’s terrifying.
*
“I hate you,” his soulmate had told him the first day they met. Said the words like a promise. “I’ll always hate you.”
Sometimes Mark wished that he’d kept that promise.
*
He can remember so clearly that first meeting, the burning feeling in his hand from their point of contact. The way that strange boy, a little too loud with a smile a little too wide, had stopped smiling for just a moment, and looked at him with something like fear.
They’d had a translator there and a handful of different staff members, but the room hadn’t felt full enough. The space between the two of them was plenty, but Mark still felt like he was enclosed from all sides.
“We couldn’t have a soulmate pair in the same group,” one of the staff members explained. “If that came out… It’s a scandal waiting to happen.”
He hadn’t dared to glance at his soulmate.
“Please don’t make me leave,” his soulmate had said, ignoring him to focus on the managers. “I don’t even know him, I certainly don’t…” he trailed off.
It didn’t take an idiot to fill in the blanks.
Mark can’t help but find a little relief in that.
That this wasn’t some love at first sight romance.
Because Mark wasn’t supposed to fall in love with a boy that won’t stop glaring at him. Mark’s got a whole future laid out, a successful music career, dating some girl once he’s finally allowed. Two grandchildren to make his parents proud.
Of course, he always imagined he’d be dating his soulmate .
But platonic soulmates weren’t unheard of.
“They’re just trainees,” it was eventually settled. The staff members talked as if they weren’t even in the room. “We’ll keep the better of the two, and let the other go.”
*
The company had changed their tune somewhere along the lines, realized that being soulmates made them too much of a perfect match performance-wise, and kept to the idea that everything was meant to be.
Platonic soulmates in a group together, the perfect set of best friends, despite all the rocky years leading up to it.
It was some sort of sick and twisted codependency that Mark’s sure if he was seeing a therapist he would have been advised against forming. But neither of them can help it. It’s too natural, falling into each other again and again, inevitable.
He doesn’t realize how bad it is until he’s across the world with his SuperM hyungs and suddenly he can’t breathe.
He can’t-
“Baby, you need to breathe, you’re having a panic attack,” Ten’s voice is steady, and since when is Ten a voice of reason in any situation. A hand laced through his squeezes just a little too tight and Mark struggles to take a ragged breath.
It came out of nowhere, a sudden panic inside of him.
“I don’t- I-”
“Breathe, come on follow my breaths.”
He tries, and struggles a bit, but eventually gets the rhythm right.
Eventually remembers how to breathe. He can’t explain it, he’s never panicked before like this. And he’s been on bigger stages, to bigger places, and drawn crowds that should have made him nervous in the past, but there had never been anything like this.
Maybe it was having the hyungs there.
Maybe it was the impact of something new or maybe -
“He’s having soulmate withdrawals,” Taeyong explains to the others in a hushed tone. As if thinking that Mark might not be able to hear him over the sound of his panicked breathing. There’s news of sympathy from the gathered group, a hand rubbing small circles into Mark’s back and he…
He’s stuck on those two words: soulmate withdrawals .
He hadn’t even realized that was a thing that could happen.
But the realization brings a feeling that twists in his stomach, taking hold of him, and never letting go.
*
At the end of the day, he decides that it’s all Jung Sungchan’s fault.
Rationally he knows that it’s not really anything, but watching Donghyuck hang off of Sungchan for the entire 90s Love promotional period, twists something bitter inside of him that isn’t quite jealousy, but it’s also not not jealousy.
It itches under his skin, an uncomfortable feeling that has him constantly feeling on edge.
Which, you know, great for the group dynamics.
The worst part is that Donghyuck doesn’t even notice. That he doesn’t seem to think that there’s anything wrong with draping himself over Sungchan’s lap during their downtime.
Mark can’t seem to manage to draw his eyes away from the two of them.
Tortures himself with watching whatever this is play out.
Which is why he notices the second Donghyuck shifts, making an excuse to use the bathroom. Mark copying him less than a second later, despite the concerned look that Ten shoots his way as he goes.
“Are you flirting with Sungchan,” Mark says, the second the bathroom door closes behind them.
Donghyuck shoots him a look, “Is this really the place you want to have this conversation?”
Mark glances around the admittedly slightly dirty bathroom. At least, they’re alone. If this is what it takes to get themselves a moment of privacy Mark is going to take it.
“Yes,” Mark replies, voice lifting up a little at the end like a question.
Donghyuck sighs, but he leans against one of the stall doors instead of undoing his pants, so Mark counts that as a minor win.
“Maybe I am,” Donghyuck shrugs. “He’s hot.”
Mark grimaces.
Sure, it’s an objective fact that Sungchan is good looking. You have to be good looking to make it in this industry, and especially within NCT. But that doesn’t mean that hearing his soulmate compliment someone else doesn’t sting a little.
“And rumor has it he’s into guys and girls,” Donghyuck continues, a tone of mild indifference in his voice.
“So you are flirting with him?”
Donghyuck rolls his eyes, “Is this why you’ve been glaring at me for the last hour?”
“I wasn’t glaring,” he insists.
It wasn’t a glare really, more just watching. Not that he thinks Donghyuck would care about the distinction.
“Sorry I forgot that Mark ‘Purity Ring’ Lee doesn’t like knowing that other people have homosexual tendencies,” Donghyuck says, “Next time, I’ll flirt out of your eyesight, your highness.”
“It’s not that! Dude, don’t - I’m not homophobic-”
Another eye roll.
“I’m not,” Mark insists. “It’s just weird, okay, you’re my soulmate. I’m allowed to question your flirting choices.”
“Platonic soulmate,” Donghyuck reminds him. “That means I’m allowed to flirt with whoever I like.”
“I’m just looking out for you,” Mark insists.
Even though he knows that’s not it.
He could tell the truth - he knows that he should - explain the way he feels like he’s constantly on edge whenever he watches Donghyuck touch someone that isn’t him. Flirt with someone that isn’t him.
But Donghyuck’s right, they are platonic soulmates.
It shouldn’t bother him nearly as much as it does.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious,” Donghyuck says. “I’m a big boy, I know not to get too attached to someone who is still waiting for the other half of their soul.”
*
It would be easier if he had literally anyone else in this giant band that he could go to for advice. But somehow out of the over twenty people in this band, only he and Donghyuck are ‘lucky’ enough to be blessed with the knowledge of who their soulmates were.
And even if there had been another, the chance that they would be platonic soulmates like he and Donghyuck were would have been even slimmer.
To be fair the only other set of platonic soulmates he has ever actually interacted with is Taeyeon and Key, and going to his sunbaes for this crisis is more chance for potential embarrassment than Mark even wants to consider.
So Mark does what any rational person does when confronted with a dilemma.
He googles it.
And then promptly goes into a panicked spiral.
“Dude, are you like good,” Yangyang asks, interrupting his panicked spiral and bringing Mark back into focus. The practice room is empty except for the two of them, everyone else gone off for their short break.
He’d thought Yangyang had left, but he must have returned somewhere during Mark’s breakdown.
“Uh, no,” Mark answers eventually.
He lets his phone screen go black and fall into his lap, hiding the evidence and the very unhelpful WikiHow article on ‘ what to do once you’ve realized you’re in love with your soulmate.’
Yangyang’s eyebrows knit together in concern, “Do you want me to get Ten-hyung or one of the staff?”
“No, I’m not hurt,” Mark says, stretching out his legs as if to prove his point. “It’s a mental thing.”
“Ahhh, uh… I’m kind of shit at advice,” Yangyang admits. “I can still go get Ten-hyung or, fuck like, Haechan-ah?”
“Why Haechan,” Mark repeats his name, like a question, like that isn’t the whole reason he’s having a crisis.
“You’re soulmates, aren’t you,” Yangyang says. “Aren’t platonic soulmates supposed to help with like emotions and shit?”
Normally he would.
Normally just having Donghyuck around is enough to keep Mark steady even in the most difficult of situations.
But this time…
“That’s the problem,” Mark confesses. “I’m pretty sure we’re not just platonic soulmates.”
“Oof.”
Which, fair enough.
He’s not sure what he expected going to Yangyang for advice.
Yangyang, who is eating something that is potentially cat food out of a plastic baggy, grimaces, and offers exactly no helpful advice for Mark’s current crisis, instead just says, “So, I’m pretty sure he’s fucking Sungchan.”
*
It starts with Sungchan, but it doesn’t stop there.
Because now that Mark is paying attention he can’t help but notice it. The way Donghyuck is constantly hanging off of someone, constantly flirting with someone, and more and more often it isn’t him.
It used to be him.
Mark remembered a time when he was the only one that Donghyuck pressed up against, the only person whose space Donghyuck constantly invaded.
He’s not exactly sure when that stopped, hadn’t noticed at the time.
It’s only now in the aftermath that Mark feels an ache deep inside of him.
Currently Donghyuck has some weird thing going on with Jaemin.
He’s not acutally sure if they’re fucking, straight up refuses to ask if there’s anything more than flirting disguised as thinly veiled threats for his own mental health.
But that doesn’t mean he can stop thinking about it, or ranting to his tenth floor hyungs about it the second he gets back from practicing with the dreamies.
At least they sometimes offer helpful advice, or at least save their pitying looks for when they think he isn’t looking.
“I think you should fuck someone else,” Yuta says, once Mark has finished his rant. “In front of him, really start the fire.”
Taeil frowns in disapproval. Whether over disapproving of this admittedly terrible plan, or over his own protective instincts when it comes to their maknae. “Or, you could do literally anything other than that.”
“I volunteer as tribute,” Jungwoo says, holding his hand high in the air.
“I’m not…” Mark trails off with a flush.
Call him old fashioned, but the idea of actually sleeping with someone other than his soulmate now that he’s realized that maybe they’re more than platonic soulmates, goes against every fiber of his being. Regardless of who Donghyuck may or may not have done in the past.
“I couldn’t,” Mark says, eventually.
“Well if you don’t want to actually do it,” Jaehyun says, somehow the voice of reason in all of this, “Maybe you could like fake date someone, or even just pretend to be interested in them, and see if Haechan-ah gets jealous too?”
And that… Well, that’s not a terrible idea.
*
“I need your advice,” Mark says, letting himself into Donghyuck’s room less than an hour later.
Donghyuck shifts from where he had been playing video games on his phone to turn and look at Mark. “You do realize, I’m not Johnny right?”
“Yeah, I know,” Mark replies, settling himself onto Donghyuck’s bed. “I need advice that only you can provide.”
“And why’s that,” Donghyuck drawls.
“Because you’re my soulmate,” Mark says.
The truth is as easy as breathing.
And then he lies, “I like someone, like romantically, I think, or maybe just you know…” He trails off with a flush, unable to say the word sexually as casually as Donghyuck does. “You’re more experienced in this thing.”
Donghyuck looks pleased at that, smiling as if his ego has been filled, turning to give Mark his undivided attention without any hint of jealousy. “Who?”
“Yuta-hyung,” Mark says, because despite the fact that Jungwoo had been the one to volunteer earlier, he feels like Yuta’s more likely to stir up a reaction from Donghyuck.
And he’s right.
He thinks for a second Donghyuck’s going to feel what Mark feels, that jealousy, that itchy feeling under his skin. Donghyuck frowns, but the wipes it away with a fake smile just as quickly. “I can’t say I’m surprised?”
“What,” Mark blurts out.
“He’s been flirting with you for a while, figured you just didn’t notice because you’re like disgustingly straight,” Donghyuck fake gags, before shifting tone his features softening as he says in a far more serious voice, “I didn’t realize that had changed.”
“It’s a recent development,” Mark admits.
“And you want to explore that development with… Yuta-hyung?”
Mark tries his best to aim for casual indifference as he repeats the very words Donghyuck had said to him months ago, “Maybe I do. He’s hot.”
“It’s good to date around,” Donghyuck agrees. “Figure out what you like, but be careful with Yuta-hyung, yeah? You’ve got a soft and gentle heart, Mark Lee, he eats boys like you for breakfast.”
He’s not sure what it is about the situation that makes Mark boil over.
That makes him angry more than anything else, but the words are out of his mouth before he can think things through, “Why aren’t you jealous?”
Donghyuck blinks at him, “Why would I be jealous?”
“Because I’m your soulmate!”
“Platonic soul-”
“Are you really telling me that you only feel platonic feelings for me,” Mark snaps cutting him off.
And for a long moment there is silence.
Long enough that Mark feels horrible, regret swirling inside of him, panic at the way that Donghyuck refuses to meet his eyes.
Until eventually Donghyuck breaks the silence, “Hyung, do you feel anything more than that?”
And suddenly Mark needs to be literally anywhere else.
*
He has a plan to avoid Donghyuck for the rest of his life.
A solid plan.
Maybe moving back to Canada wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Sure, he’d be throwing his entire career down the drain, but it would be better than just staying here forever. Watching Donghyuck flirt his way around with yet another one of their band or label mates, meanwhile Mark aches .
His plan goes to shit when Donghyuck finds him two hours later, finds where Mark had hidden himself away. Donghyuck has always had a way of doing this, whenever Mark was having a crisis in the past, over his career or the stress of it all. Their soulmate bond working almost like a homing beacon.
Normally a sense of peace and clarity would wash over him whenever Donghyuck found him, but now it only serves to make Mark feel miserable, to bring up all the terribly complicated feelings currently swirling around in his mind.
“Talk to me, hyung.”
“I’d rather not.”
Donghyuck sighs.
It’s cold up here on the roof, and when Donghyuck leans up against him, Mark can’t help but hope it's for more than just warmth. Tries to imagine that it is.
“Do you really feel something else,” Donghyuck asks, unwilling to let the silence overtake them.
“Forget it,” Mark insists.
“No, because if it… If it is, then we need to talk about this.”
Mark shakes his head, “You obviously don’t feel the same, you’ve got that whole thing going on with Jaemin-ah and-”
“I used to,” Donghyuck cuts him off.
Those three words shutting Mark up.
Complicating everything.
Used to , past tense.
As in doesn’t anymore.
When Mark remembers how to breathe it is a strangled sound, pained even to his own ears. When? And for how long? How oblivious had Mark been to miss his chance at happiness with his soulmate?
“I used to,” Donghyuck starts again, “Back in the beginning, I tried to hate you, but for me there was something there at first contact. I didn’t know it was love at first, but it hurt so much when you didn’t even care, when you went to hang out with the hyungs instead and I… I pushed it all down, it took a while years and years of it.”
“Why? Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“You said that it was platonic,” Donghyuck explains. “And that you didn’t like men, and fuck hyung, you barely liked me for a lot of those early years. It was easy to repress it all.”
Mark frowns.
It was his own fault.
He had ruined it all.
“Hyuck, I didn’t realize.”
“I worked hard to make sure you never realized,” Donghyuck admits. “And then I moved on, and now I don't know what to do.”
Mark doesn’t know what to do either.
For the first time in his life he doesn’t have a clue what he is supposed to do or where he is supposed to begin.
But the one constant in his life has always been Donghyuck.
And nothing’s going to change that.
“Do you think we could try,” Mark asks. “Being soulmates, properly this time?”
Donghyuck doesn’t reply at first.
He doesn’t reply for a long time.
Long enough that Mark’s not sure he will even get an answer, seconds turning into minutes turning into hours as they sit there staring out into the dark of the night sky, bodies pressed closed together for something more than warmth.
And then finally, after what seems like an eternity Donghyuck says, “I’m scared you’ll break my heart again.”
“Hyuck, I-”
“But I want to try.”