Work Text:
“Sirius.” Remus’ voice came out much quieter than he’d wanted. Far too quiet, far too timid.
How had he messed it up so quickly?
It used to be so easy, talking to him. It used to be like breathing, where he didn't have to think about doing it He just did. But they weren’t children anymore. Too much had happened to them, now talking to Sirius was like walking on eggshells.
“Hm?” Sirius replied, just as quietly. His eyes were fixed on a spot on the carpet and didn't even look up when he spoke. Remus hadn’t expected him to answer, not that this was much of an answer.
“Is there anything I can do? I feel like I haven’t-”
“It’s all here.” Sirius cuts him off.
“What’s here?”
“My old things. You didn’t move them when I left.” Sirius turned away from the floor and gazed over at Remus, almost questioningly.
No. He didn’t. Sirius is certainly right about that. Remus couldn't even bring himself to look at his things after that night. Sirius’ old vinyl records, pictures, his jewelry. It’s not like he hadn’t tried over the years. He had. He’d tried to dispose of the memories, of the things that hurt him just by existing, but one could tell how well that had gone.
“Yeah…I thought you might have liked some of it, the records and things.” His voice is still too quiet, too reserved. 12 years ago, this would have been different. 12 years ago, they probably wouldn’t even be talking. Remus would have simply climbed on the bed next to Sirius, they would have laid there in comfortable silence for only Merlin knows how long, Remus running a hand absentmindedly through Sirius’s hair.
Sirius’ hair.
Merlin, he loved Sirius’ hair.
His hair was long and thick, with gentle waves falling down his back, just as it always had been. But now, the life seemed to have been depleted from it, just like the rest of Sirius, and probably Remus as well if he was honest with himself. His hair wasn’t nearly as lustrous as it had once been, and instead of still being jet black everywhere, streaks of gray shone in the light. Remus couldn’t help but think that they matched his eyes a bit too well.
“It’s okay, I’m not angry.” Sirius seemed to notice Remus surveying him.
“Suppose I’ve looked better, eh?”
“That wasn’t what I was-”
“It’s alright. If I’m honest, you don’t look any better.”
“Oi, I’m not the only one with gray.”
Sirius gave a small huff of acknowledgment and went back to staring at the spot on the floor, returning to his previous state of intense silence.
“Alright. Well, you can use the bath or the shower or anything in there,” He gestured to the bathroom, not that Sirius was looking. “There’s tea out here if you want it.”
He left the room, closed the door softly behind him, and went to go find the kettle.
An hour later, Remus sat curled up on the sofa, his legs tucked under him, and his tea sitting forgotten on the lamp table. He’d heard the water running not too long ago, but it had stopped now, and the flat lay mostly silent. Remus stared at the door, aware that a decent amount of time must have passed since he zoned out, but he didn’t care enough to zone back in and see just long he’d been staring at the bedroom door.
The past few days seemed distant in his mind, they had the blurry and unclear quality that resembled a poorly taken polaroid, or a nightmare that’ lost all the details after you wake up. A week ago, he’d been mourning Peter and wishing Sirius dead. But now, even in his foggy and disoriented mind, he knew he’d never wanted him dead, he’d just wanted him back.
Sirius.
God, he’d missed him.
He’d missed Sirius’ laugh, the way his eyes crinkled and his eyes got brighter. He’d missed his mind, the way it could come up with escapades and antics faster than even James’ could, the way he didn’t have to study but did better than almost everyone in their classes. He’d longed for even the things that used to annoy him, the way neither Sirius nor James could sit still or be quiet to save their lives, they were always going and going, and-oh.
Oh.
“Shit,” He muttered
It was quiet now, too quiet.
Remus shot up off the couch, and back into the bedroom, only to find it empty. He gently knocked on the bathroom door and tried to keep his voice calm.
“Sirius???”
There was no answer.
“Sirius!” Remus threw the door open, hand already on his wand, though why exactly, he wasn’t sure. But Sirius seemed fine. He was sat in the bath, knees curled up to his chest.
Remus exhaled sharply in relief until it dawned on him that Sirius hadn’t even looked up when he’d run in, and when he looked closer, he could see Sirius’ arms shaking.
“Sirius?” Remus slowly made his way over to the bath and sat on the floor next to it. Sirius’ breaths were unsteady, frantic, and what Remus could only describe as, well, heavy. His eyes were fixated on the wall of the bathroom, he didn’t even seem to notice Remus was there.
“Sirius, come on.” Remus reached out to touch his shoulder, but Sirius reflexively jumped away before he could even touch him. He turned and looked at Remus, his silver eyes scanning his face for a brief moment before filling with guilt.
“I’m sorry Remus, I’m sorry,” Sirius hid his face back in his knees. “I’m sorry,”
“If you apologize again, I’m going to kill you.” Remus tried to keep his tone gentle, and his threat didn’t seem to make Sirius’ state any worse. Remus almost swore he saw the faintest ghost of a smile on his face.
“You have nothing to apologize for. Promise. Now, do you want some help cleaning all this hair you’ve got now?”
Sirius gave the smallest nod. Remus put his hand in the water, it was cold. How long had he been sitting in cold water? Remus dug his wand out of his pocket and cast a warming charm over the bath. He could see Sirius visibly relax a little, though not by much.
Remus leaned over him and picked up the hair wash, squeezing some on Sirius’ head and gently running his hands through his hair. The last length Remus remembered it being was no more than a little past his shoulders, but now it fell all down his back in matted knots and split ends. They’d deal with those later, he supposed.
He tried not to overthink the whole thing. Tried not to worry if he was hurting him, tried not to wonder what Sirius was thinking. This task seemed a bit easier as he went on. After all, this was not the first time they’d been in this situation. This was something familiar to both of them, only….different. They’d been here before.
“Sirius,” Remus groaned into his chest.
“Moony, I don’t care what you say, or what you told James or Pomfrey. This’ll help, don't worry.” Sirius carried him bridal style through the halls as quietly as he could. It was after hours, and they’d certainly both be killed by Filtch if caught, but Sirius never cared about that sort of thing and Remus was a bit too out of it to put up a fight.
“Pax Pacis.” Despite it being the prefect’s password (something Sirius should have had no access to), and had he been fully awake he’d have been questioning how in the world Sirius knew it, nothing fully registered with Remus until he felt himself being lowered into warm water, still clutching onto Sirus as a lifeline.
“What-what are you-” He yelped, “Shit!”
“Sorry, sorry, I know it hurts, but they said water helps!”
“What are you on about?”
“Pomfrey, she said getting you in a bath would help. It’ll clean them out.”
“She- oh.” Remus finally looked up from Sirius’ chest and looked around. The prefect's bathroom had been dimmed, and the water charmed to just the right temperature. The initial sharp pain that had come from the gashes in his side being submerged had worn off a little. Now, he just felt warm, but he didn’t release his grip from around Sirius’ neck.
“You’re alright.” Sirius began to run water over Remus’ body, trying to keep him warm. Remus held onto Sirius even tighter until all of his gashes and cuts stopped stinging or burning. Once all of the pain passed, he loosened his grip on Sirius and let himself run his hands in the water. Sirius poured water into his hair before getting the soap and massaging it into his curls.
Remus used this same motion now, with Sirius. He ran his hands through Sirius’ hair and massaged the soap against his scalp and down to the ends of his hair. Once he could no longer avoid them, Remus found a spare brush and started to gently pull the mats and the knots out of Sirius’ hair. While yes, Remus did know the charm for this, he knew Sirius had always liked this feeling. The feeling of running a brush through his hair, even with the knots.
When all of the knots were out, Sirius’ hair seemed even longer, but much easier to look at. He charmed it dry and helped Sirius slowly get out of the bath and back into the bedroom. After wrapping him in a towel, Remus left him on the bed to go find clothes for him, but could only scrape up some of his oversized sweaters and pajama pants.
“Here.” Remus sat them down on the bed next to Sirius. “Let me know if you need anything-”
“Stay.” Sirius reached out and gripped Remus’ wrist. “Please.” Remus touched Sirius’ arm and squeezed his hand.
“Course. You okay?”
“I can’t- I can’t be alone right now. Not again, not anymore.” Remus nodded.
“I’ll go get us some tea, yeah?” Sirius’ grip on his wrist didn’t lessen. “I’ll just be in there. Get dressed, I’ll be right back.” He squeezed Sirius’ arm again before prying him off and leaving him once again in the bedroom.
Remus came back only a minute or two later and found him dressed and sitting on the bed, anxiously watching the door. Sirius gave a start when the door opened, but relaxed when he remembered it was just Remus.
“Thanks.” Sirius took the cup Remus offered him and sat cross-legged on the bed, Remus sitting next to him. He tried to drink his tea, but every time he raised his cup, his hair fell forward and almost into the drink. Remus watched this for a minute before laughing softly.
“Everything okay?”
“Stupid motherfu- why won't it stay?”
“Can I do anything? I’m sure I can find some old hairpins or-”
“Cut it.” Sirius sid shortly. Remus was sure he’d misheard him.
‘I’m sorry, what? Did you just ask me to-”
“Cut it. I don’t want it.” Remus sat there, trying to absorb this for a few moments. He scanned Sirius’ face for any sign of amusement or humor in his eyes or his mouth. There was none, but he couldn’t mean…did he?
‘How much?”
‘As much as they made me grow. Now, before I rip it out myself.”
“Um. Alright. Hold on.” Remus left the room and came back with a pair of scissors. He stood behind Sirius, who sat cross-legged on the end of the bed, running his hands through all of his hair again.
“Look, if you don’t want me to-”
‘Remus.”
“Okay, okay. Doing it.” Thick, raven-colored hair fell to the floor around them as Remus cut. He tried not to, tried to make sure that if Sirius wanted, he could back out before too much damage was done. But Sirius remained quiet, his posture high, and his breaths as calm as Remus had heard them yet.
When he finished, Remus waved his wand over the pile of hair clippings accumulated at his feet and vanished them, leaving no trace of any split end or knots that Remus had missed. Sirius ran his hands through it for a few moments, taking all of it in as slowly as he could. He turned around to face Remus.
“Thank you.”
“Here.” Remus crossed the room and pulled out some small pieces of plastic from a drawer. He held them out for Sirius, who just looked up at him quizzically.
“They’re from Hermione, she thought I’d like them, though why exactly, I’m still not sure. They’re clips, they’ll hold your hair back.”
“Butterflies?”
“And flowers, I guess they’re a more modern 90’s trend.”
“And you know how to put these in?” Sirius laughed, actually laughed, for the first time in too many years, too many lifetimes.
"They’re just clips Pads.”
Sirius’ smile faltered, and Remus felt a pang in his chest. He hadn’t called him ‘pads’ since before everything. Since Lily and James were alive, since Peter’s betrayal. Maybe longer, given the hell they went through during that war. Neither one was home at the same time as the other, and there was always fighting when they were. It might have been months before the arrest.
“Can I?” Sirius nodded, and Remus climbed on the bed, getting closer to Sirius than he’d dared in the past few days. He pulled Sirius’ hair into a low ponytail and purposely, at least that’s what he said, left loose strands of hair. Carefully, his hands worked to clip in a red butterfly, then a blue one, then a pink one, followed by the flowers. Soon, the strands that fell by Sirius’ face were clipped to the side, three on each side. Sirius laughed when he saw his reflection in the small mirror by the bed.
“Do I look modern?”
“You’d give the teenagers a run for their money.” Sirius chuckled softly and turned to face Remus. Those gray eyes pierced him again, and Merlin, Remus came close to kissing him then, just like he used to, but something in his chest stopped him.
Too soon, he kept telling himself. It was too much and too soon.
They both wanted to kiss, not that they knew it was mutual. They wanted to hug, they wanted - and perhaps needed- it so awfully. Neither had been touched, properly touched or hugged, or anything in so long. But it was too soon, and it was too much.
So they didn’t.