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Alice returned to his home, after a long day of tomfuckery and emodoings. There was a large watermelon sitting on the counter. It was the most beautiful melon Alice had ever seen. He made sure nobody was watching and ran off with it to his emo bedroom, intending to eat it whole.
While preparing to complete the not-so-amazing feat of eating a watermelon whole, he heard a voice speaking to him. He squealed like a stupid bitch out of fear. “Hey buddy chum pal it’s just me, the watermelon, how are you doing this fine night” the watermelon “said” despite not having a mouth, or any human features for that matter. “What is the meaning of this?” Alice demanded, staring at the watermelon.
“You’re looking very stripey tonight, darling” the watermelon said, rolling towards him. “Y-You’re stripes are also, uh, exquisite” he said, confused. Was he seriously flirting with a watermelon? The watermelon rolled closer to him, and Alice picked it up, holding it very carefully and lovingly. “You are the most attractive melon I've ever seen, I love you” Alice said, completely serious. “I love you too Alice” the melon told him sensually. “Wait. I am a married man I can’t make out with a watermelon what the fuck am I doing.” Alice concluded, staring at the melon in shock. “But Alice, it was meant to be, Kanye doesn’t have to know” Against his better judgement, Alice leaned into the melon, bringing it closer to his face. He kissed the watermelon with more love than he’d ever given Kanye, but it didn’t matter.
After what felt like an eternity, someone creaked open the door. “A-Alice?” a familiar voice said, shaking as they spoke. Alice turned away from the melon, looking at who it was. It was his husband, Kanye. “I can’t believe you,” Kanye said, defeated. “Babe sugar sweetheart dear love of my life I swear it’s not what it looks like, I can explain!” Alice pleaded, “hiding” the melon he was just passionately kissing behind his back. Alice noticed a bouquet of striped roses in Kanye’s hand, no doubt for him. Alice approached Kanye, attempting to apologize. As he got closer, he put down the melon, and opened his arms, trying to comfort the sobbing Kanye.
A loud smash rang through the room, while he wasn’t paying attention, Kanye had picked up the melon and smashed it on the floor. “KANYE WEST YOU JUST-” Alice shouted, stopping halfway through, noticing that Kanye was running at full speed down the hallway, no doubt to avoid getting hit by Alice. That was it. The only chances Alice had at love were gone. The melon, his true soulmate, was smashed on the floor, and his husband had run away from him in fear. He had nobody, and it was his fault. He felt like an asshole, but there was nothing he could do.