Archive of Our Own

He’d just finished setting up his new ham radio equipment he spent two months saving up for so when he received that letter in that mail with his accepted license, Martin practically ran to his stuff. His mother was asleep again, it’s not like she’d care anyway. It was only a Novice license so he wouldn’t be able to broadcast that far and he really should start practicing morse code for when he needs to take his next test but this is what he’d been fantasizing about for months now.

He didn’t even try to suppress his smile as he pushed the buttons. His leg shook as he clicked into a channel and checked to make sure no one else was on the frequency. He waited a few minutes, asking again and when still, no one responded he took a breath.

“I don’t know if anyone is listening, but my name is Martin Blackwood. My license finally got accepted and I had to save up for a bit to get all this equipment. I don't really have anyone to talk to in person so I hope this will suffice. I don’t really care whether or not anyone is listening, I just wanna talk and thought this was neat I suppose. Actually, who am I kidding? This is really cool.

Well, I live in London, I had to drop out of uni earlier this year to take care of my mum. She’s really sick and I’m currently working two jobs. They’re not very enjoyable but it pays the bills I guess. I do feel a bit bad about buying all this stuff though but I really wanted to. I tried to keep it as cheap as I could but it’s still pretty expensive. Mum thought it was dumb but whatever, it’s my money and I can afford it. Still hurt a bit though.

Anyway, I don’t really need to tell my whole life story. I kinda wanted to read poetry but now that I’m actually here, it feels silly. Heh, maybe I am going crazy. Sorry if anyone is out there listening to this, I’m probably not very interesting to listen to. I didn’t exactly prepare much to talk about, I suppose I was just expecting it to come to me. Clearly that’s not working.

I have some tea I prepared before starting. It’s getting late so it’s just chamomile. It’s pretty good. My mum can’t stand how sweet I make it but it’s fine because I like it. She does like to tell me it’s making me fatter though so I’ve tried to cut down at least a bit. I’m pretty sure she’s heavier than me but that’s probably rude, she’s just tryna look after me. I could probably do with following her advice too. I eat too much and hardly ever exercise. When I’m not at work, running errands or taking care of my mum I don’t really do much. I really only write and draw sometimes but my mum makes me feel bad about doing that since they’re not gonna get me anywhere. Don’t really know what else I’d do though heh. Guess I have this too but mum thinks it’s stupid as well. Can’t have shit ‘round here huh? Whatever, it's fine.

I don’t really know what I want to do in life but I’m here I guess. I’ll probably go back to uni when I can. I was just doing history, I think it’s pretty neat. I would really like to do creative writing of some sort but yeah, I already know I won’t go anywhere with that. History’s good too though so I guess something to do with that would be my life if I do go back to uni. It’s hard to imagine my life in the future though but maybe that’s normal, I dunno.

God, what do people normally talk about on these things? Maybe another day I’ll read poetry, I’m just not really feeling it right now. I kinda just wanna spill everything into this thing but heh, I’m not sure if that’s really appropriate. I just wish my mum could feel better and be nicer to me. And having some friends would be nice too. I mean, I talk to people at work sometimes but I don’t even like any of them and I cannot see myself having any real friendships with any of them. It’s kinda sad, yeah, but look I’ve got my radio now, that counts for something doesn’t it? Kinda scared to try and call anyone though. One day. Just being able to talk to anyone is kind of really intimidating, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for that yet.

I’ll probably get more comfortable as I go I guess. I’ve also gotta practice morse code so I can upgrade my license but I just prefer speaking. It’s more fun than just pushing a button in different patterns. Some people would probably argue with me on that though. Fight me. I bet I could hold myself in a friendly debate. I did debate in school for a bit. That probably could count for something.

I think it’d be neat if I did this at least for a few minutes a day. Maybe it’ll get better as I get more comfortable if anyone is listening. So, well, tune in this time daily for the life of Martin K. Blackwood I guess heh. That sounds like I’m ending, I’m not,” He finally paused for a few seconds to think.

“MARTIN,” His mum called from her room.

“Oh, ah, nevermind then,” he sighed, “looks like mum’s awake, bye then, have a good evening,” he said and quickly turned the radio off. “Yes?” Martin called, already walking to her room.

“Who are you talking to?” She asked when he got there.

“Remember the radio equipment I got? Well my license got accepted so I was testing it out.”

“Make yourself useful and make some dinner. Why don’t you?” She demanded, waving her hand.

“I already did. You ate before you went to sleep, remember?” He leaned on the doorframe with a sad smile on his face.

His mum sighed. “Well then just be quiet, please, you’re too loud, and do something productive.”

He wanted to say he was trying to be quiet but didn’t say it, instead he sighed and said, “okay mum.”

“Now let me sleep.”

“Yes, of course.”

Martin wanted to listen to other stations on the radio but his mum would surely hear that. Unfortunately his last pair of headphones broke and he hasn’t been able to get a new pair yet. He’d listened to some when he could but he still didn’t exactly know what he was doing. Surely he’d figure it out eventually but he really could do with figuring out what others do.

Instead, he just opted to read the rest of the evening. It’s not what he would have wanted to do but it was a good second option. It wasn’t productive either but he didn’t really have anything productive left to do. His mum probably wouldn’t accept that answer though and besides, he shouldn’t keep her up any longer.

The next day, once he ate dinner and did the chores, Martin sat back down in front of the radio. Again, he pressed the buttons, going onto the same frequency he was at yesterday and checked to make sure no one else was using the channel.

When he didn’t get a response, he scooted closer to the microphone so he could be quieter and started talking. “Hey, it’s me, Martin Blackwood again. Hopefully I’m quieter today but I don’t really know, I am really close to this microphone though. I swear if I manage to wake my mum up again today I might as well just quit.”

He then launched into his thoughts again, speaking as if he had an audience. This time though, his mum never interrupted him so he was able to sign off when he ran out of things to talk about. It probably only lasted around twenty minutes but he was happy.

This little routine of his just kept going. It took about two weeks for his mum to stop shitting on his new hobby every chance she got. Now it was probably only once every other day. Though Martin felt like it was better when there was only one thing she complained about. He almost wanted to quit but when he said something about quitting, his mum said that it’s probably more useful than his fucking poetry and that he may get something out of it if he kept going. This confused him a bit considering she was just complaining about it and he didn’t know what this something was but it was some sort of validation so he didn’t think about it too much.

“Martin,” she said though one night, not even bothering to look at him as she stared at the television, remote in one hand, beer in the other. She technically wasn’t supposed to be drinking at all, especially not this much but she just kept ignoring Martin so he quit trying to tell her after a while. “You’re just like your father, you know, he never did anything. I bet he’s drunk himself to death already. You’re only better than him because you haven’t left yet.”

“But mum-“

“DON’T YOU DARE,” she yelled suddenly, waving her bottle at Martin, some droplets flying out. She’d clearly had too much to drink again.

He wanted to argue that from what he’s heard, he’s so much better than his dad. Martin was trying to be useful and be nothing like his dad. He didn’t even think his dad worked, Martin was the only source of money right now. His dad left him when he was a kid, Martin knew he couldn’t leave. He has to do his best. Instead, however, all he said was a soft, “sorry,” before going back to his room.

He almost didn’t feel like speaking on the radio that night but then decided maybe it would make him feel better. He could probably just vent a bit then go do something to feel productive at least.

He went into his normal frequency and while it was normally unoccupied when he was usually on, he was a bit later than he usually was so he wouldn’t be surprised if anyone else was there. So the gasp when he checked to make sure it was empty didn’t really surprise him. What did surprise him was when the crackling voice asked in an unsure tone, “Martin?”

He felt panic fill him. “What?”

“Are- are you Martin… uhh… Martin… Blackwood? Sorry, this is probably really weird actually. I uh- I-“ the voice took a breath, “I’ve been listening to you since you started and I just got my license so I really wanted to uh talk to you,” they paused again, “sorry you’re probably thinking I’m a total creep or something, this may have been a bad idea.”

“You’ve- you’ve been listening to me?”

“Yeah, sorry I’ll just uh-“

“No, no, it’s fine I just didn’t actually think anyone else was listening to me.”

“Well, surprise?” They laughed awkwardly but the static distorted it weirdly.

“Now I’m starting to feel self-conscious-“

“Oh, it's alright, you’re actually quite interesting to listen to. Maybe a bit endearing.”

Martin felt his face heat up. “R-really?”

“Yeah, I dunno, there’s just something so… charming about listening to some stranger’s life and interests. Sorry, that probably does sound really weird. I swear it’s nothing weird, I just don’t know how to explain it without sounding, you know… weird.”

“No, I don’t really mind,” he took a shaky breath, trying to compose himself, “well then, who are you?”

“Oh, oh, I’m sorry. I’m Jon. Jonathan Sims.”

“Jon?”

“Jon.”

“You know, this feels kinda weird, you know everything about me and I know nothing about me.”

“Well, I go to Oxford, I'd like just staying by myself in here researching whatever. I do some writing as well, horror’s fun to write. I know you like to write as well. I’m twenty years old. Um, I dunno, I’m not exactly an interesting person to talk to, a lot of people say I’m too cold-“

“I think you’re perfectly warm, Jon.”

He laughed, “Thanks?”

“Sorry, I guess I hardly know you but you seem nice.”

“Oh, I guess it’s just that I’ve lost a lot of friends because I’m too serious and no fun. And then it’s really hard to make friends, especially being me, so I’m not left with much.”

“Well that would make two of us. People think I’m friendly though, it’s just that either I get taken advantage of or I drift apart from people. Can’t say I really have any friends left these days.”

“Oh, also that I have troubles controlling my tone and sometimes I say stuff that sounds rude but I don’t mean it.”

“That’s alright, I understand.”

“Sorry, I just always forget to mention that and people get really mad at me, but yeah, I swear if I say anything bad, I probably don’t really mean it or it came out horribly wrong.”

“Hey, it’s fine.”

“Okay, okay, because one of the reasons I wanted to try and talk to you so much when I first started listening to you is that you just seem like you need a friend I guess. I thought I could- I guess.”

“Oh,” Martin smiled, “okay then. Definitely fine with me. You already know I’m always on around this time. You’re welcome to talk to whenever you want. I’d actually really appreciate it.”

“A-alright.”

And that was the start of their friendship. Martin no longer spoke to what he thought was nobody everyday. Instead, he was able to talk to Jon. It was definitely better.

Everytime he turned the radio on and waited for Jon to come on as well and heard his voice, Martin’s day just became better. He couldn’t believe he was content just talking to himself that whole time and didn’t mind how lonely he was. He had almost forgotten the appeal in friends.

So when his mum told him she’d be going on a trip with her friends for a bit he felt disappointed at first but then remembered something he’d been thinking about asking Jon about. Sure, it sucked his mum was leaving him again but he couldn’t help the excitement bubbling up. He tried to suppress it in case it couldn’t work but wasn’t very good at it.

“Hey Jon!”

“Martin!”

Martin smiled. “Hi.”

“How’s it going?”

“Fantastic. You’re on break next week, right?”

“Well, I still have homework to do but other than that, yeah.”

“So, you see, my mum is going on a trip next week with her friends, yeah?”

“Ok?”

“Jon. Consider. You get a train ticket and come to London.”

“What? Really?” He let out a breath. “What… with you?”

“Of course. If that’s- if that’s alright. I know it’s really only been a month so I’d understand if you don’t want to, I just thought it’d be fun. And I’d like to meet you.”

“I- I- yeah. Alright.”

Martin gasped, almost squeaking. “Okay! Okay. Just- if you’re sure.”

“Of course. I mean, I guess I’ll just have to bring my assignments but that shouldn’t be an issue.”

“Well, I don't want you failing your classes or anything.”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t be good.”

They then proceeded to plan where and when they would meet up, both of them writing the details down. They also realized they had no clue what each other looked like.

“I was already imagining you like that,” Jon said after Martin described himself to the best of his ability.

Martin laughed. “Really? Actually, I was already imagining you as how you described as well somewhat. You are definitely… small.”

“Small?” Jon laughed. “What does that mean?”

“What do you mean what does that mean? I mean you’re short and scrawny.”

“I’m not that short. You though, I could never really decide if you were short or tall but you being tall definitely makes sense and I was already leaning on that side.”

“You said you were short.”

“I said I was below average.”

“That means short.”

“Not necessarily.”

“Okay Jon,” Martin laughed.

“What? No it doesn’t.”

“You keep telling yourself that.”

Jon sighed.

“Like, I could imagine myself picking you up with ease,” Martin said.

“Why don’t you try then,” he challenged.

Martin laughed. “Alright then. When I see you, I am immediately picking you up and throwing you on the tracks.”

“Hey now, you can’t do that.”

“Fine,” he huffed, “I’ll just pick you up then.”

“At the station?”

“Yeah why not?”

“You sure nobody would question that?”

“No, of course not.”

“What if you pick up the wrong person?”

“Well I’d check first prick.”

Jon sighed. “Fine.”

And just like that, it was official. Martin was actually meeting Jon. In real life. He told himself he shouldn’t be so excited about meeting someone he only knew over a fucking radio and that they only started talking last month but it just felt so special.

So when the day Jon was supposed to arrive, he was almost ecstatic but also increasingly getting more nervous. What if he just wasn’t interesting in person? What if Jon doesn’t actually want to come? What if Jon realized he really was just some loser? What if this whole idea was just fucking stupid?

He told himself that it would be alright. He was starting to regret ever asking. He knew he wanted to and Jon even said he would want to but- shut the fuck up it’ll be just fine.

Conveniently, just an hour before Jon was supposed to arrive, his mum’s friend picked her up. He felt pretty guilty being so relieved by this but if he’s correct, Jon will never have to meet his mum and the whole week can just be them.

So then he walked all the way to the train station with a dumb smile on his face. When he got there, he waited in the spot he said he’d wait in and watched as Jon’s train pulled up. He scanned the people getting off, trying to figure out if he’d be able to identify him.

His breath caught in his throat when he saw him. It had to be him. He had light brown skin, almost shoulder length dark brown hair, rectangular glasses, thick eyebrows and if he looked hard enough, there were acne scars scattered all across his face. Exactly how he’d imagined.

It took a bit, Martin wanted to walk towards him but didn’t want to get in the way of anyone walking the opposite direction. He watched as Jon scanned everyone while walking towards the exit but eventually, he locked eyes with Martin and looked unsure as he walked towards him.

“S-sorry if I’m wrong but uh are you Martin by any chance?” Jon asked once he reached him, only looking him in the eye briefly.

“Jon?” Martin asked, smiling.

“Oh- oh,” he seemed startled at first but that quickly turned into a smile, “yes.”

“Well then,” Martin started before grabbing Jon and throwing him over his shoulder and would have started walking if Jon’s suitcase wasn’t just there.

“Hey! Hey! That’s not how you greet your friends!” Jon exclaimed, gripping Martin’s back for dear life.

“You said fine,” Martin reminded him, laughing.

“I didn’t think you actually would!” He laughed, “unhand me this instant!”

So Martin did and pulled him off to the side.

“Well, hello Martin, it’s good to see you as well,” he made eye contact while speaking but his eyes immediately started darting around Martin’s face and his body and just off to the side.

“You are exactly how I thought you would look,” Martin said, watching Jon’s eyes.

He looked back up at his eyes, “you are as well.”

Martin smiled, “Well I uh- come on,” he said before grabbing Jon’s arm and walking outside.

When they got outside, he was still holding onto him so he mumbled an apology, letting go.

“Oh, it’s fine, I don’t mind,” Jon said, looking up at Martin who was now looking at the ground.

“Oh, okay, sorry I just tend to be physcial and a lot of the time I forget to make sure it’s alright or if it’s too much.”

“I’ll tell you if it’s too much.”

“O-okay.”

“So we’re going to your flat, yeah?”

“Right,” Martin looked back at Jon again.

“Alright.”

So they walked to Martin’s flat, casually talking. Martin did feel like a bit of an asshole not getting a taxi and just making Jon walk all the way there with his suitcase but if Jon was upset about it, he didn’t show it.

Martin opened the door and walked inside backwards, “so uh, this is where I live.”

“Huh, it’s small,” Jon said, looking around.

“Yeah.”

“Wait sorry, I probably shouldn’t say that.”

“It’s fine, it definitely is small,” he said and when Jon didn’t say anything else, he then said, “sorry, we probably should’ve planned this earlier but there’s no guest room or anything so you can sleep on the couch or in my room and I just sleep on the couch, I don’t really mind.”

“Oh, it’s alright, I’ll just sleep on the couch. Do you just want me to put my stuff in here then?” Jon asked, awkwardly walking into the living room.

“Yeah that’s fine.”

“Okay,” he said, putting his stuff against the wall.

“Well uh, it’s lunch time so do you wanna go get something?” Martin asked when Jon turned back towards him.

“Sure.”

They ended up going to the sandwich shop down the street. At some point there while joking over their sandwiches and talking, they got more comfortable. So then when they got back to Martin’s flat again, it was significantly less awkward.

They just went back to Martin’s flat to hang out the rest of the day. It was really nice, it felt like just chatting over the radio but it was completely different. Martin could see Jon. See the way his hands fidgeted with each other, occasionally coming up to mess with his hair or shirt collar or pick at his acne before catching himself and stopping, see the way he tilted his head slightly when asking something, see the way his eyes crinkled up whenever he smiled. He may have initially said he looked exactly like how he’d imagined but he soon realized he didn’t know what he was expecting. He wasn't sure this was it but it was very welcomed still.

“You know, you’re from London aren’t you?” Martin asked.

“Yeah.”

“Well, is there anywhere you wanna go specifically? Or like go see someone? You never talk about your family, is there anyone that lives here?”

“Oh, well uh, it feels kinda dumb but there’s two things actually, a cafe and this library I’d always go to and I kinda wanna go there at some point,” Jon replied, smiling bashfully.

“Alright,” Martin smiled, “though actually, if you don’t mind, I just feel like I talk about my family all the time but I don’t think you’ve ever even mentioned yours.”

“Ah, I uh, I… don’t have any,” he shrugged.

“Oh, oh, I’m sorry, uh…” he trailed off, not knowing what to say, feeling guilty.

“It’s fine,” Jon gave Martin a small smile, “the only family I ever really knew was my grandma but she died two years ago, I’ve gotten over it, it’s not like she ever cared all that much for me to begin with.”

“Damn, I dunno, I guess I’ve just always cared about my family even if sometimes they don’t care for me that much in return.”

“Maybe you should stop caring so much.”

“What? No, I have to,” Martin shook his head.

“If they’re not returning the favor, why bother?”

“I mean, my mum did care for me before my dad left.”

“And when was that?”

“I was eight,” Martin looked over at Jon who was watching him.

“And how old are you again?”

“…20, but that's not really important.”

“That's the majority of your life.”

“Well, well it’s not like she doesn’t care for me it’s just, uh, it’s complicated.”

“Sorry, I don’t really know, I guess I’m just saying you put so much into her, and it doesn’t seem like she even wants to see you.” he said softly.

“I- I uh- I,” Martin bit his lip.

“Ah, sorry, I guess it is just complicated, huh?”

“Yeah, whatever, it’s fine.”

“Sorry,” Jon said again quietly.

“No, it’s fine,” Martin smiled at him.

“Okay.”

“So when do you wanna go to your places?”

“Oh, we can go tomorrow I guess.”

“Alright.”

Jon smiled.

“Well, uh, I dunno, I’ve got some games we can play?” Martin said, starting to stand.

Jon laughed.

“What?”

“Sorry, no, it’s fine, that’d be nice,” Jon smiled, waving his hand dismissively.

“Heh, alright then.”

Jon ended up picking Scrabble and managed to desemate Martin. At some point, Martin even started to wonder if he was cheating somehow. Sure, he had only played it once and he was against someone that goes to Oxford of all places. Though Martin did still feel a bit disappointed as a self proclaimed writer. He thought he’d be able to get competitive but only got destroyed instead. He thought it was worth it nonetheless.

It was pretty funny seeing all these assumptions Martin made about Jon ending up true though because then the next morning, when Martin rolled out of bed, Jon was already working on homework, wide awake. He never mentioned his little assumptions to Jon but he awarded himself another point in his imaginary game when he walked into the living room that morning.

“Morning Martin,” Jon called, looking up from his papers.

“Hey Jon,” Martin said, voice still rough from sleep, “how long have you been awake for?”

“Oh, I dunno, at least an hour, maybe two,” he shrugged.

“Damn, I just woke up.”

“I could tell,” Jon smiled.

Martin rubbed his eyes, leaning on the arm of the couch, “Really?” he said, yawning at the end.

He rolled his eyes, “Yes Martin, you’re a disaster.”

“Nahhh,” Martin laughed, “I think I’m gonna shower now.”

Jon spun his pencil between his fingers, “alright, then I guess I’ll shower as well once you’re done.”

“Yeah, okay,” he stretched his arms above his head dramatically before walking off to get ready.

Once they were both ready, they decided to just walk to the cafe. It was a bit of a walk but they chose to. It was a nice walk really, the morning air was right and it was early enough so the streets weren’t too crowded yet as well.

Martin could absolutely see how Jon liked this particular cafe so much. It just seemed like something he would like. It was small and neat with a lot of wood. The overall atmosphere was very nice with the smell of coffee and tea with the dark green walls, plants on shelves and wooden tables and flooring. It was cozy.

They both ordered their tea, Jon also got a biscuit and Martin got a muffin, and sat at a tall circular table by the window. It was almost funny how much this environment suited Jon, Martin could only imagine how much a little dusty library would suit him.

As it turns out, the library was just a bit down the street so they didn’t have far to go after the cafe.

“I’d just always come here when I lived here,” Jon explained as they approached it, “my grandma would bring me here a lot when I was a kid too. She’d always give me books to keep me occupied since I enjoyed reading so much, I guess that never went away.”

“Huh, I was also given a lot of books.”

“Guess it’s a popular parenting strategy,” Jon shrugged.

“Maybe.”

The library had the same vibe of the cafe except instead of the smell of coffee and little round tables, it was dusty bookshelves covered in books.

“Jon!” Someone called from the desk in the middle of the library.

“Oh!” Jon walked towards her, “hey Sasha.”

Sasha leaned on the desk. “Haven’t seen you in a while, how’s it going?”

“Oh, you know, still going good.”

“And who’s this?” she asked, smiling, looking over at Martin.

“Uh, hi, I’m Martin, one of Jon’s friends,” he said.

“Oh my God, look at you go,” she said, now looking at Jon again, “you’ve actually made new friends.”

“Yeah, I-“

“When did you meet?”

“Just a month ago, we met over the radio actually.”

“Oh, isn’t that interesting,” she smiled, actually she’s been smiling this whole time, but she looked back over to Martin, “did you know, it took three months of Jon seeing me here almost every day to actually talk to me.”

“I didn’t think you actually wanted to talk to me,” Jon said defensively.

“I tried to talk to you every single day.”

“I didn’t realize.”

“You know,” Martin interrupted, laughing, “Jon even got a radio license and equipment to talk to me because he’d been listening to me talk to myself everyday.”

“What?” Sasha laughed, “Seriously?”

Jon sighed. “Yes, yes, I guess I did do that.”

“What do you mean you guess, that’s literally what happened,” Martin teased.

Jon huffed. Sasha shook her head, laughing, “have you made any new friends at school?”

“No, it’s uh, it’s still just Tim and Gerry,” Jon replied.

“Oh my God, Jon, you made a friend over a radio but you can’t make any friends at school?” Sasha teased.

“It- it’s hard, okay?”

“God, I wish I was accepted there too so I could’ve forced you to meet new people. You should tag along with Tim to some of his parties.”

“Absolutely not.”

Sasha sighed. “Where are Tim and Gerry anyway? I really would like to see them.”

“No clue,” Jon shrugged.

“Ugh, you’re useless. How are they doing then?”

“Uh, same as usual? Gerry has a boyfriend though? I don’t think Tim’s dating anyone but you know, he still just sleeps with everyone, but yeah, they’re both doing good.”

“Ohh so Gerry’s meeting people though?”

“Not really.”

“But they have a boyfriend, though actually, what about Georgie?”

“Oh, we uh, we broke up a few months ago.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I guess we just weren’t right for each other.”

“Eh, fair enough I guess, do you still talk to her?”

“No, not really.”

“Ah, sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“Well uh, what’s Gerry’s boyfriend’s name? Have you met him?” Sasha asked, moving on.

“Oliver, I’ve met him briefly, he’s nice.”

Sasha leaned closer to Jon, “You should be friends with him.”

Martin wanted to tease Jon as well but it didn’t feel like his place and besides, he was still thinking about Georgie. He didn’t even know what he was thinking, it just made him feel funny. Almost jealousy but no, he shouldn’t be feeling that. That’s ridiculous. Also something about how neither of them questioned the fact that this Gerry has a boyfriend made him feel better than it probably should. They just must be supportive, good for them. No reason for Martin to feel what? Validated? No, that’s ridiculous.

“Anyway, I’ll let you two go make out behind the shelves or whatever, I won’t tell anyone, just tell Tim and Gerry to come back as well sometime, or have Gerry actually break into the office and force them to accept me in this time,” Sasha said, snapping Martin out of his thoughts. “What? Oh my God, I was just teasing.” Then Martin realized how hot his face was. He looked over to Jon and realized his cheeks were dark as well.

“Sorry, I just- I just wanted to show Martin this place,” Jon said, stuttering.

“Aw isn’t that cute.” Sasha leaned her face on her hands.

“Y’know Jon, if you wanted to come here to Sasha you could have just said that,” Martin said.

“No, well, I guess I did want to talk to her, I also wasn’t really sure if she still worked here, but no, I just wanted to show you this for some reason.”

Martin laughed. “It’s fine, but uh, what are we doing now?”

“Come,” Jon said, grabbing Martin’s wrist and leading him further into the library.

Sasha waved at them and they both waved back before walking off.

Jon ended up leading Martin to a corner. There was a table and chairs but also a cushioned arm chair and bean bags to the side on top of a rug. “This is where we’d hang out,” Jon said.

“You guys are fucking losers,” Martin laughed.

Jon sighed. “I know, it’s just special to me.”

“Sorry, it’s just cute.”

“It’s fine,” he shook his head, “we just always hung out here since we first became friends, see this is literally the kid’s section.” He gestured to the shelves surrounding the area.

“When did you become friends?”

Jon sat in one of the bean chairs and Martin sat in the one across from him. “Well, at first it was just me and Gerry when we were like, I dunno, seven maybe, we knew each other from school but I guess his mum was even more neglectful than my grandma and brought them here as well a lot and we just, I don’t remember exactly but we just became friends at some point. Then not too long after, we both became friends with Tim and Sasha and eventually brought them here as well,” Jon shrugged, “then we just became even closer. They’re my only friends, other than you that is.”

“Huh, seems nice, I- I never even really had lasting friendships growing up, I was always that weird quiet kid,” Martin sighed, “but I liked it and being alone is just part of who I am.

“That… doesn’t seem healthy.”

“Whatever, I’ve made it this far.”

“You’re not lonely anymore though,” Jon pointed out, smiling.

Martin smiled. “I suppose not.”

“You’re welcome.”

Martin laughed. “You know, this is a pretty nice place. Did all of you work here?”

“Yeah, though we all had to quit once uni started, Sasha goes to school near here though so she stayed.”

“That’s nice, not about Sasha though, that probably doesn’t feel good huh?”

“It’s worse because she’s probably the smartest of us but I guess Oxford couldn’t handle a black woman potentially being the top student.”

“Ah, yeah, that sucks.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway, uh, sorry but uh,” Martin laughed awkwardly, “this isn’t meant to be rude at all but did you refer to Gerry as both he and they or did I just mishear?”

“Oh, yeah, I don’t really know what they are per say but he asked us to do that so we do.”

“Interesting, and that they uh, have a boyfriend?” Martin asked, he wasn’t really sure why he was asking this, well, he did know but he felt dumb asking all these questions.

“Yeah? I think he said they’re bisexual, Tim is as well, I think I may be too but I don’t really care about labels like they do,” Jon shrugged, “it doesn’t really matter to me.”

Oh. That is what he was looking for, wasn’t it? “Oh, it’s just that uh,” God why was he saying this? “Sorry, I heard that and uh, it’s just that, well, I’ve never had any proper crushes but I think I might be gay. I’m just so used to hearing everyone talk about gay people so negatively, I just-“

“Jesus Christ Martin, it's fine.”

“Oh,” Martin’s face grew hotter, “okay.” He smiled at the floor.

Jon laughed softly. “You good?”

“Huh?” He looked back up at Jon, “yeah?”

“Sorry, it’s just,” Jon gestured vaguely at Martin, “I don’t know.”

Martin laughed awkwardly. “Okay then.”

“You know, you’re very comfortable? Like your presence is very pleasant,” Jon’s eyebrows furrowed and he laughed awkwardly, looking downwards, “and I don’t know if this makes sense but something about that makes you even more… comfortable.”

“Oh,” Martin felt all warm, “I- thanks?” he said softly, not sure how to respond.

“Does that sound weird?”

“No,” he shook his head.

Jon smiled, still looking at the floor.

“You know, when we first met, you said you were cold but I’ve hardly seen any of that.”

Jon finally looked back up at Martin and just shrugged. “I guess I just haven’t been rude to you at all, I know I’m definitely not the nicest person… to others I guess.”

“But also, you have a really solid friend group.”

“I know, they’re my only friends though, well, and you. I mean, you heard it from Sasha, I don’t talk to anyone else.”

“I don’t think you’re as bad as you think you are.”

“What?”

“Jon. I don’t think you’re as bad as you think you are.”

He shook his head. “No, you’ve hardly seen me around anyone else. You don’t know.”

Martin smiled. “Well I haven’t been proven wrong yet so I don’t know if I can believe you.”

Jon sighed. It was dramatic too, he even closed his eyes and slumped down in the chair. “Whatever.”

Martin leaned forward and propped his head up on his hand, trying to look smug.

“What?” Jon asked when he opened his eyes again.

“Nothing.” Martin said, leaning back into the chair again.

Jon sighed again, less dramatic this time though. After a bit of silence, with his cheeks just a bit darker than before, he started talking again, “actually you mentioned being physical or whatever yesterday and it feels kinda weird actually admitting this but,” he laughed nervously, “I just have the urge to like, just curl up in that chair with you I don’t know.”

“Oh,” Martin smiled, “okay.”

“You sure?”

“Of course.”

So then Jon moved practically into Martin’s lap and they both sunk into the bean bag further. After a second, Jon sat up again and said, “wait, this is weird, sorry.”

“You can go back if you want.“

Jon glanced over to where he had been sitting just a few moments ago then back to Martin. After a few seconds of him staring at him, Martin just wrapped his arms around him again and pulled him back in.

“Oh.” Jon’s voice was slightly muffled and after a beat, he melted into Martin.

They stayed like that until Sasha came by to ask if they wanted to go to lunch in a bit. She wasn’t surprised. She hardly even acknowledged the fact they were wrapped up together in a dumb bean bag chair. So they all ended up just chatting with Sasha until she was able to leave. Lunch was very nice too, Martin found himself easily becoming friends with Sasha.

After lunch, Martin had to go to work. He gave Jon the spare keys to his flat so he could stay out with Sasha and wouldn’t have to wait for Martin. Work wasn’t great as usual but he got through it easier knowing his friend would be waiting for him at home. And sure enough not only was Jon there but he had made dinner. Martin noted that he’d have to teach him to actually cook well but it was nice nonetheless. Afterwards, they cuddled up in Martin’s room, Martin showing Jon his favorite radio stations.

The rest of the days went similarly, just them hanging out whenever Martin wasn’t at work. Sometimes they’d go out and do stuff or just stay inside and chill. It was definitely the happiest Martin had felt in… a while. He realized how dull his life had been before but with Jon’s dark green eyes and nice smile and his- he just made everything better. It was funny, he even wanted to write a little poem about him but wasn’t sure if he’d actually be able to articulate his thoughts. He tried to think about it when looking at Jon but couldn’t think anything coherent.

Jon was supposed to be going back to Oxford on Saturday at noon. Martin’s mum said she’d be back Saturday evening. It was perfect. Though once Martin got off work on Friday, it hit him that it was almost time for Jon to go back. Instead of Jon when he got home, his mum would be there and that just filled him with dread. Jon promised he’d come back and would still talk so it really wasn’t that bad but he couldn’t help but still feel a bit sad.

So once Martin got off work, they went to a restaurant. It was pretty nice but better with Jon.

Then when they got home, they sat across from each other on the couch, knees barely touching.

“Martin,” Jon said suddenly.

Martin’s eyes met Jon’s. “Yeah?”

Jon took a breath. “So. I’m not sure but well, can I kiss you?”

Martin felt his heart rate shoot up. “What?”

“Sorry, I just wanted to uh, see something I guess, it’s fine if you don’t want to.”

He blinked a few times. “I- I uh- okay.”

“You sure?” Jon’s cheeks were dark and Martin was sure his were similar.

“Yes.”

So they did. It was short but when they pulled away, Martin felt warm and wanted to do that again. So they did. Then maybe they did that the rest of the night. Then maybe when they got tired, Martin asked if Jon wanted to sleep in his bed and as they fell asleep, Martin curled around Jon, he wondered why this couldn’t have happened earlier in the week.

In the morning Jon had to pack and they made sure it looked like no one had even been there. And as they drank the tea Martin made, they sat closer than they had before and made breakfast together. Eventually, it was time for Jon to go to the train station so Martin walked him there and they kissed just one more time before he got on.

“Love you,” Martin said quietly.

Jon laughed softly, “love you too.”

Martin smiled. “Bye.”

“Bye Martin.”

Then Martin watched as Jon disappeared into the train, dumb little smile on his face. What a week.