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Chapter Text

“Otherwise, why would you kiss at the pier?”

♧♧♧

There’s a blue petal when Kinn wakes up the next morning.

He’s not foolish.

He’s known it was coming, felt it bubbling in his chest for weeks now, curling at the slightest movement, itching to spring forth, giving Kinn a chance to rid it before it materialized to the reality that lies before him.

A naked Porsche, asleep underneath the blankets, isn’t the easiest thing to ignore. Definitely not when Kinn knows what’s coming. Because, as open-minded as Porsche had been about Kinn’s sexuality, there’s a long journey from accepting it in other people, to realizing that your boss just took advantage of you.

How else is Porsche going to see it? How else should he see it? Because the picture’s pretty clear in Kinn’s mind. A drug-induced seduction, does not consent, make.

The plan was simple. 

Run Porsche a bath.

Let him sleep it off.

Berate him in the morning, for once again, fucking up on the job.

Lastly, and most importantly, keep dick in pants.

Kinn had known he’d wake up with the consequences weighing on him in some way, but he’d never imagined that he’d wake up to this.

Kinn caresses the soft petal in his hands, staring down at his bedmate, with nothing else to do. He should have known this was coming. A part of him had suspected that he might have a chance beyond a forgettable kiss at the pier. 

“Did I do something to you?”

Not enough for a memory. Kinn scoffs. He really should have stopped there. Let it go before it got ahead of him. But then…

“If he didn’t return me to you, would you think of taking me back?”

So carelessly asked, like Porsche was a piece of furniture… or just another bodyguard. Asked nonchalantly, but with all the tellings of hopeful curiosity. Curiosity that Kinn had tried and failed to stamp down. Curiosity, nonetheless. Just enough to make Kinn wonder, what if?

What if Porsche wanted him back? 

Why else would he ask? Why else would he want to know? If he didn’t feel the things Kinn was feeling, if he didn’t go to bed at night, aching, unable to breathe from the fluttering in his chest, if he didn’t hurt the way Kinn was hurting, why did he ask?

Because Kinn had forgotten that Porsche was just another human being. Another person who saw an in, a way to get to Kinn that nobody else had. He’d been behind the curtain. He’d seen Kinn dodge the kiss. He’d heard that Kinn didn’t kiss anyone else.

And he’d lied about remembering the kiss.

A lie he’d hidden behind, till the right time to use it against Kinn, pressing and twisting that knife in Kinn’s chest till Kinn was kneeling at his feet, breathless, unable to stop his hands from moving, his heart from worshiping.

“Did I do something to you?”

“What didn’t you do?” Kinn asks the sleeping man, tears stuck in his eyes, itching to fall.

Because Kinn had stood a chance, before last night. It wasn't the first time he’d felt the fluttering in his chest. He’d always managed to stamp it down before it did any damage. But for some reason, Porsche was different, dragging Kinn’s feelings to the surface, laying him so bare that Kinn’s fate was sealed.

By something so small as a blue petal.

The first of many to come. Because, as long as Porsche remains Porsche, as long as he sees Kinn as nothing more than a means to an end, the petals are going to fall, day after day, stripping Kinn of everything he is, till the morning he wakes up for the very last time.

Chapter Text

“Are you saying that I’ve hurt you?”

***

It wasn’t physical pain.

It wasn’t even the powerlessness from being tied up, unable to move or breathe through the cloth over his head.

It was definitely not the gaps in his evening, where he remembered standing by the bar, then the bathroom, and then the hotel room. It wasn’t that.

It was the freedom, the utter floatiness of sitting on the bathroom pavement, looking up at Kinn and just knowing that he could say anything he wanted. He could do anything. And he’d have no consequences.

When he reached out and grabbed Kinn. When he kissed him, when he allowed Kinn to touch him in a way no man ever had, Porsche felt untethered to this world, flying over mortal worries, regardless of consequence.

That was where the hurt was. 

He had thought he was free just because he was with Kinn. He’d thought that he could do or say whatever he wanted.

But in the morning, his memories had come crashing.

And, like always, the real Kinn was right back in place.

***

“Your life is mine.”

***

It was a far cry from his whispers of supplication, just a day ago.

“Porsche,” he’d said like his life depended on it. “Please,” he’d begged, writhing behind Porsche, desperate to finish, desperate enough to make the friction worth it. Because Porsche had no idea what came over him. A drugged out state was no excuse for his behavior. 

Wanting Kinn like he’d wanted him wasn’t just because of the drug. Kinn’s sexual distress had been thrilling. Teasing him, goading him into action had felt more intoxicating than anything that had been in Porsche’s system.

“Can I…” Kinn had asked, sweaty and blissed out, hands wrapped around Porsche’s waist like he was scared Porsche had somewhere else to be. “Uhn,” Kinn groaned, slipping free. “I want, Porsche…”

At first, he had no idea what Kinn was asking for. Not that he could give himself much credit, in that moment. Not much mattered, but the fact that Porsche was keyed up to ten, with his ass leaking of Kinn’s cum, unable to move from the actual pain and the fatigue that was starting to set in, in his legs.

“What do you want?” Porsche asked, turning around to sit. It hurt to sit. It was even a little slippery. But anything was better than standing up on jelly legs, with a hard dick. 

As Kinn fell to his knees before Porsche, eyes bright with adoration and something Porsche couldn’t quite put his finger on, it began to dawn on him, what Kinn was begging for.

“Please.”

And like a fool, Porsche had thought he had any say in what Kinn was allowed to do with his body.

***

“I’m replacing you.”

***

Porsche closed the door and leaned on it, hands quivering at his sides as he tried not to scream, or he’d wake Pete.

“I’m replacing you.”

What more could Porsche expect from a mafia boss?

Maybe that night on the pier, that stupid kiss, that short useless speech about the pressures of living this life, maybe all of that was just talk. He wouldn’t put it passed Kinn to-

Pete’s side lamp came out, stunning Porsche into raising his elbow to block the light.

“You’re back.”

“Didn’t mean to wake you.”

As he moved in, kicking off his shoes, Pete gasped in bed, pointing at the ground.

“What’s that?” Pete asked.

When Porsche looked down, it was nothing but an unassuming, single, blue petal.

“I don’t know,” Porsche said, shrugging off his shirt.

“Oh my god,” Pete rushed to Porsche, turning him around by the shoulders, worry and fear in his eyes. “What happened? How long has it been coming?”

Porsche frowned, then he looked between Pete and the petal, before he blinked into comprehension.

“It’s not mine,” he shook Pete off. “I swear. The first time I saw it, I checked myself for symptoms. I’m fine.”

He put a finger down his throat, coughed and jumped up and down to show that he really was fine. 

“The first time? When did you start seeing it?”

Porsche took off his pants. 

He’d been seeing blue petals around him ever since he woke up in the hotel room. It wasn’t his. It wasn’t his problem.

“If the flower has been following you everywhere, then someone around you is in love with you.”

“Not my problem.”

Pete frowned at him.

“Everyone in this compound is either a member of the main family or an employee of the main family. Considering Khun Kinn, you better hope the person never confesses their feelings for you.”

Porsche stopped on his way to the bathroom. Slowly, he turned back to his roommate, who sat on his own bed, looking incredibly worried.

“What does that mean?”

Pete sighed, looking sideways as he pursed his lips.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Khun Kinn-”

“Nothing! Nothing’s going on between Khun Kinn and I.”

“Whatever it is,” Pete said, speaking over him. “No one wants to get in the middle of it. If I was choking up blue petals because of you-”

“I mean it, Pete.”

“You were out of it, so you probably don’t remember.”

“Remember what?” Porsche asked, sitting on his bed, facing Pete.

“He wouldn’t let anyone else touch you. Even after you threw up on him.”

“I what?”

“He asked us all to get the fuck out. He was frantic and scared and…” Pete hesitated. “...and possessive.”

“Over me?”

“I know you’re a private person and you don’t like to share your private life.” Pete shrugged. “That’s fine. But if it were me and I was in love with you, I’d rather die than confess my feelings, because even though hanahaki hurts like hell,” Pete said, a hard look on his face. “Khun Kinn is incredibly unforgiving.”

Porsche spared the blue petal a long look. Not for the hundredth time in twenty-four hours, Porsche found himself regretting his decision to walk into the lion’s den, on his own two feet.

Chapter Text

“... like what happened before.”

♧♧♧

Kinn looked down when his father spoke. It was hard not to when you had just fucked up your last assignment. There’d been a handbook, a list of points to hit in speech to make sure the right people read the right things when the news of Kinn’s purchase broke. 

But he hadn’t even been able to do that because Porsche wasn’t at his station.

He couldn’t fault his father for worrying that Kinn might be slipping again. He didn’t want to slip. He wanted to do his job. He’d spent 100 million on a 15 million piece, and hadn’t even given the right speech. He was in no place to argue.

Vowing to do better, as he got to his feet, a slight lump slipped into his throat and, unable to stop it, Kinn coughed the blue petal into his palm.

Without looking, he could feel the tension in the air ratchet up to the sky as he father stood, staring at the petal.

“What the fuck is that?”

“It’s nothing.”

Kinn hid the petal, as he backed away from Father.

“Stop right there.”

Kinn couldn’t stop. No one could know. Least of all, his father.

“Anakinn,” Pa said sternly.

Chan blocked his path, grabbing his left hand and hooking it behind Kinn as he pushed Kinn’s right hand to the front for Pa to see. Kinn struggled in Chan’s grasp, but it was pointless. Chan held him in place, hitting the back of Kinn’s knee and causing him to buckle to the ground, with his hand, forcefully holding the petal up for his father’s examination.

Pa took the saliva-covered petal from Kinn’s hand.

“Is this Porsche?” he asked quietly.

“He didn’t do anything.”

“Is…” Pa said, his eyes lighting with barely concealed rage. “This Porsche?”

“I will get rid of it.”

Pa threw the petal away, standing up straight as he fought to compose himself. Chan let go of Kinn as Kinn slumped, both knees now firmly on the ground.

“How long?”

“Just this morning, but Pa-”

“You will have the surgery. Immediately.”

Kinn’s heart dropped. The thought of it. The idea of forgetting Porsche, cutting Porsche out of his life, was almost as painful as he imagined the actual surgery would be. Because that was what would happen. With the flower bud removed from where it was lodged, he’d lose all memory of Porsche. Their interactions hadn’t been the best, but they had grown dear to Kinn and he didn’t want to forget them. 

“I don’t want the surgery.”

“That boy will never love you,” Pa said. “He doesn’t even take you seriously.”

It was hard to argue with that. Kinn was still very much aware of the mighty role inebriation played in their intimacy. He was also aware that Porsche didn’t even want to look at him. If that wasn’t a sign to move on, Kinn didn’t know what was.

“I can get rid of it. I can… I can stop loving him.”

Pa frowns at Kinn in pity.

“How many people actually succeed at that? Let’s get rid of this thing before it suffocates you to death.”

“I can do it. Do you not trust me, Pa?”

Pa looked like trust was the last thing he had in Kinn, at that moment. Kinn couldn’t blame him. Kinn was a huge disappointment. A huge disappointment that was going to die if he didn’t remove the blossoming growth of love and death in his chest.

“You have one month,” Pa said. “If, by then, you still have the disease, I will tie you down and take you to the hospital, myself.”

♧♧♧

“”At least, they’ve done nothing to harm me.”

♧♧♧

Falling out of love with someone wasn’t something that was new to Kinn. Unfortunately, he’d found himself in love with people who didn’t care for him, way too many times that, at this point, reclaiming his feelings was a sport.

None of them had ever spurred the disease, though. In that way, Porsche was different. But feelings were still feelings. 

So Kinn set about putting as much distance between Porsche and himself, that he could. It wasn't hard, given that they didn’t have anywhere to go and Porsche wasn’t even looking to be in the same room as Kinn. That hurt a little, but Kinn was thankful for that fateful favor. 

It would have been a lot harder to deal with his feelings if Porsche was in his face every second, begging him for an explanation, or worse, affection.

He even tried fucking someone else, if just to get the bitter-sweat taste of Porsche off his tongue. And it worked. For a minute, it worked. The fluttering simmered to a boil and no flowers emerged, until Kinn was staring in the window, wondering why the fuck he couldn’t move anymore.

♧♧♧

“Why are you here?”

♧♧♧

Kinn hadn’t even known what he was doing till he was seated in Porsche’s house, listening to them talk about Porsche’s oppressive boss. Which was… interesting, to say the least.

Given how mouthy Porsche was, given how careless with words… Kinn had thought Porsche would tell Pete what happened between them. When Pete had said he knew nothing, Kinn thought Porsche would have told his close friends. But from what they were complaining about, Porsche had only spoken about the regular stuff. Things that Porsche wouldn’t even be worried to say right to Kinn’s face.

Did that mean Porsche wasn’t angry about the sex-while-drugged thing? Was he only angry about the punishment? Because, judging from what he shared with his friends, that seemed like a lesser deal.

Or was it so big that loud Porsche, rough Porsche, never-keep-a-thought-in-his-head Porsche couldn’t even bring himself to talk about it with his best friends?

“I’m sorry,” Kinn repeated, hoping it would change anything.

“One sec,” Porsche said, raising a finger to stop Kinn from talking.

Because, of course, just as they were about to get somewhere, the universe just had to go ahead and fuck everything up.

♧♧♧

“Don’t let one piece confuse us and cost us every piece on the board.”

♧♧♧

Drawn from his thoughts, Kinn nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Porsche’s hand enclose his in a gentle grasp. The fluttering in Kinn’s chest quelled, as he looked down at their hands, his pale skin, contrasted against Porsche’s pristine, darker skin.

Kinn could feel the petals subside, at such a small show of affection from Porsche. Porsche didn’t hate him enough to avoid all physical contact with him. He was holding Kinn’s hand.

For the first time ever, Kinn finally believed that he might have another option. Maybe he didn’t need the surgery. Maybe he didn’t need to get rid of his feelings for Porsche. If he followed Pete’s advice, maybe things between them could improve to the point that the petals dissipated, completely.

When he looked up at Porsche, Porsche was frowning at him, eyes shifting to the left, sharp as a fox.

For a second, Kinn was confused. The tender hand-holding bore no resemblance to the calculating look in Porsche’s eyes.

But then it all came rushing back to the fact that they were kidnapped in a van and there was a gun fight happening right outside. Porsche had taken Kinn’s hand to get Kinn’s attention because Porsche had a plan to get them out of there.

Porsche wasn’t showing affection. He was calculating their safety.

The realization slipped a petal into Kinn’s throat as he looked away, coughing into his hand as the blue petal slipped out. Luckily, the kidnapper didn’t see as they were too busy worrying about the gun fire outside.

Kinn watched Porsche again, as Porsche spoke with his eyes, laying up a plan. They were going to have to fight their way out of this. Eventually, Porsche would move and Kinn would have to move too. This was not the time to be worrying about a disease that might kill him, when the very real threat of death lay in the armed men before them.

So, the moment they opened the back doors to shoot, Porsche hopped into action, as Kinn followed him, trusting that even though Porsche might not care for Kinn’s feelings, Porsche was going to do everything in his power to make sure that Kinn got out of that van alive.

Chapter Text

“I’m your boss.”

♧♧♧

Kinn was blowing hot air, as usual. If not for the fact that they were cuffed together, Porsche would have abandoned him long ago, because there was no reason why they had to keep going deeper and deeper into the forest. They should never have run off the main road. They should have stuck to the tree line, but Kinn wouldn’t listen, and now, there they were, moving in circles.

Every once in a while, Kinn would turn from Porsche, coughing into his hand instead of spitting it on the ground like a normal human being. Disgusting. Rich people were disgusting. If Kinn didn’t even know how to properly dispose of waste on his own, how did he think he knew how to survive out here?

“If you’re ashamed of it, just dig a hole and spit in there,” Porsche said, the next time he saw Kinn put his hand in his pocket after coughing.

“What?”

“The spit… the cough. It’s gross that you won’t throw it away.”

“You saw that,” Kinn whispered to himself, dusting his dirty hand on his trousers.

“I’m not judging. Everybody coughs up shit from time to time.”

Kinn had looked at him, his eyes dull and unhappy as he slowed to a stop beside Porsche. He looked like he wanted to say something. His lips even parted, a small sound emitting from them as his entire face tensed up. But then he turned from Porsche and kept moving.

“What? What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Tell me,” Porsche said, stopping, pulling Kinn from moving along. “We’re stuck here so share with the class.”

“I haven’t seen any blue flowers around you since we got here,” Kinn said. “Have you?”

Porsche’s stomach sank. He had no idea Kinn had noticed the flowers. Swinging their cuffed hands, Porsche looked around, searching for what to say. “There are no flowers here because it’s just you and me.”

“So you haven’t seen any?”

“There’s no one around, Kinn,” he said, defensively. “And even if there were, the flowers have nothing to do with me.”

“If they’re around you all the time, I’d say it has a little to do with you.” 

“It’s not my fault.”

“I didn’t say it was. I’m just saying-”

“I’ve been too busy trying to stay alive since I moved into your compound. I haven’t had the time to go about encouraging anyone to fall in love with me.”

Angry, he moved forward, dragging Kinn along. He didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't as if Kinn would be able to punish him while they were all alone and their fates were tied together by the cuffs, but Porsche couldn't help thinking about what would happen when they got out. If Kinn already knew about the flowers, only god knew what he was going to do about them.

After all, it wouldn’t be the first time Kinn punished him for something he had no control over.

♧♧♧

“Can I try?”

♧♧♧

It was hard not to feel protective over Kinn when he was like this. From his childish joy at spearing a fish to his willingness to share, Porsche was a little overwhelmed by how much seeing Kinn like that made him miss Porchay. Kinn was attentive and ready to learn, clinging to Porsche as if he wasn't older than Porsche was. 

Porsche hadn’t meant to kiss him. It just… kind of happened. One minute, they were submerged in the water because Kinn wanted to bathe, but Porsche was freezing. Kinn didn't seem one bit bothered by the water. Maybe he had it wrong. Kinn knew absolutely nothing about fire. But when in the water, he seemed more at ease than Porsche had ever seen him.

The kiss had snuck up on both of them. Judging from how quickly Kinn jumped back and away, Kinn hadn’t expected it, either. He hadn’t come into the water to seduce porsche. It had really just happened.

Kinn who didn't kiss other people, but kept kissing Porsche.

It didn’t make much sense, and Porsche kept hitting a wall everytime he tried to examine why that was. What made him different from everybody else that Kinn would make that concession for him? Maybe Pete was right.

There was something going on here but Kinn was just too stubborn to admit it.

♧♧♧

“Can you forgive me?”

♧♧♧

It wasn’t hard to forgive Kinn. It’d never been hard for Porsche to forgive anyone. That wasn't the problem. It was just that Porsche had seen this Kinn before. He’d seen him on the pier. He’d seen him at the sauna. He’d met a Kinn who was open enough to share a tiny piece of himself with Porsche that was worth cherishing.

But then they’d returned to the real world and Porsche found himself staring into cold, stern eyes that told him every failure was meant to be punished.

So yes, Porsche forgave Kinn a long time ago. But he also wasn't foolish enough to believe that that would mean anything. Especially when Kinn was around his people, influenced by his responsibilities, unable to let Porsche approach him. Right now, he could let it go, he could tell Kinn the truth, but he wouldn’t expect differently from when rescue showed up.

♧♧♧

“Leave.”

♧♧♧

Porchay needed him more than Kinn ever would. As he ran along the cliff, jumping from one boulder to another, Porsche’s heart pounded in his chest. There was no contest. If given the chance, Porsche would always take it. But now, with Kinn, everything was murky and up in the air.

Kinn hadn’t wanted Porsche to leave and if circumstances were different, Porsche would have stayed. Unable to stop himself, his running feet slowed to a jog. Soon he was walking. What future did he really have if he ran from the mafia, anyway? His brother’s school fees were guaranteed if he stayed. Besides, what was to stop anybody who’d ever known Porsche from running into Porchay at school or at a festival, or anywhere? 

Running away would only put him and his own in more danger if they were ever caught. Khun Korn was reasonable. Maybe Porsche could negotiate for his brother’s safety, as well. If he stayed, he could offer more, do more to protect his brother.

If he stayed, he could see Kinn more…

Stopping and turning around, Porsche ran like his heart depended on it.

♧♧♧

It happened quicker than Porsche could imagine. A number of gunshots, a knife throw, kick here and there, and suddenly, Porsche was falling backwards because Kinn had jumped in front of a bullet for him.

It didn't make any sense. Porsche was a bodyguard. It was Porsche’s job to keep Kinn safe, not the other way around. Too stunned to understand what had just happened, it took Porsche longer than it should have to shoot back, and when he did, he wasn’t focused enough to hit the target with his last bullet.

Brand new failure, if he’d ever seen one.

If it wasn't for Chan and the others, things would have gone really badly and Kinn, god, Kinn would have bled out right on top of Porsche. He really didn't know what to do with that. He couldn't even think of-

His thoughts skidded to halt as he looked down at Kinn’s pants from the angle he was lying. Unwilling to believe what he was seeing, Porsche sat up slowly, adjusting Kinn’s weight as Chan approached him.

“Are you alright?” Chan asked.

But Porsche wasn’t listening.

When he put his hand in Kinn’s pocket and pulled out the contents, Porsche’s heart broke to see the crushed, dried petals of the blue hanahaki flowers.

Chapter Text

Kinn wished he could feign unconsciousness, but that would just add to the disappointment and accusations of weakness that were rattling around in his father’s head. He wanted to be anywhere but there. He needed to be back in the forest. Before the bullet. Before the surgery. Before…

“Where’s Porsche?” Kinn asked.

Pa blinked slowly, the top of his lip, curling ever so slightly.

“He’s in the hospital.” He sat back in his chair, folding his hands. “As soon as he’s recovered-”

“Return him to me.”

“Kinn,” Pa said, a proper frown appearing on his face as he looked away.

“You hired him for me.”

“The doctor found the growth during your surgery. An inch and half, in diameter. He’s never seen a bud that size when it’s only blossomed for a week. It’s growing too fast.”

“Porsche loves me.”

Pa raised his eyebrows at Kinn.

“He… he has feelings for me,” Kinn said, desperately. “He came back.”

The look of quiet annoyance changed to confusion on Pa’s face as he tilted his head to the side.

“He came back from where?”

“Nothing, I just,” Kinn shook his head. “He just… we were waiting for so long.”

“Anakinn,” Pa said, worry and anger coloring his voice as he spoke. “Please tell me you didn’t offer to send him away.”

“I didn’t,” he lied.

Pa stood to his feet, looking very much like he was struggling not to show his disappointment as he walked up to Kinn. He leaned down and patted Kinn on the shoulder.

“Get well soon, son,” he said. “In nineteen days, we’re cutting that bud out of your chest.”

As he walked out of the room, Kinn couldn’t control the tears that spilled from his eyes because he knew Pa was right. There was very little chance he’d get the love he wanted from Porsche in nineteen days. But he had to try. He couldn’t just let go. Not now. Not when Porsche had come back, and given up a life of freedom to be with Kinn.

♧♧♧

“Have you ever done anything without a reason?”

♧♧♧

Kinn vomited into the toilet, unable to stop the rapid flow of scattered petals, pouring from his throat. Sitting on a bathroom basket, face to the toilet bowl, with his hand on the drip stand, Kinn cried, unable to stop it.

“Hey, Kinn,” Porsche called from outside the bathroom. “Do you need any help?”

Coughing a few petals into the toilet, he stretched to the floor and scraped up the ones that had fallen out.

“I’ll be out soon.”

“Should I come and help?” Porsche asked, opening the door that Kinn had thought he’d locked. 

As soon as he saw the hinge move, Kinn reached up and flushed the toilet, standing so quickly that the basket toppled over.

“Shit,” Porsche said, rushing in and picking up the basket as Kinn shifted out of the way. “Are you okay? Whoa!” He grabbed Kinn around the waist, steadying him in the confined space. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

Porsche had been discharged two days earlier, but Pa had let him stay with Kinn. A tiny favor that Kinn recognized. It wasn’t like they were going to be able to do anything. It hurt for Kinn to move, as it was. The thought of doing more, tantalizing and scary as it was, was impossible.

“Sit, sit, sit,” Porsche urged, placing him on the edge of the bed as Porsche knelt to hook the drip stand back in place.

When Kinn didn't move, Porsche smiled, naughtily. 

“You know, this would be like, an awesome setting for a blowjob,” he laughed, looking up at Kinn.

Kinn wanted to laugh too, but there was something stuck in his throat. He couldn’t risk it. Besides, Porsche was all talk and nothing else. He made sex jokes five times a day and never initiated anything.

Well, maybe except the cuddling. The night cuddling always calmed Kinn down, kept the bud in his chest quiet, unmoving, until Kinn woke up and remembered that Porsche’s affection was merely a mirror of Kinn’s actions towards him. 

And then the bud woke up again.

♧♧♧

“Are you asking because you want to know, or because you’re jealous?”

♧♧♧

That he had to ask was already a sign that Kinn had fallen in love with an idiot. Did Kinn have to spell it out? Did he have to say it plainly? Couldn't Porsche just understand that Kinn wanted him more than anything, wanted Porsche by his side, everyday, every second? Kinn didn’t think he could be more obvious.

Everyone could see it. Even, fucking Vegas with his ugly hair and dreadful attempt at politeness could sense the itching beneath Kinn’s skin for Porsche to see, to acknowledge that he knew that he was special to Kinn.

Maybe he had to be plain. Come out and say it. Tell Porsche to be his. Tell Porsche to come back to him because… well, Kinn scrapped the “because” part. It was too heavy to admit out loud. But as he made Porsche promise to come back to bring his lucky gun back, he could see that Porsche understood. 

On some level, Porsche knew.

He wanted to kiss him. God, he wanted to love Porsche till the day he died. He was going to kiss him, he really was. But then Kinn kissed him on the forehead. It didn’t feel right to choose this moment to do anything that might lead them to places neither of them could come back from.

He was going to confess his feelings, and proclaim his love, and then when Porsche admitted that he felt something, too, then Kinn would kiss him. That would be the moment. It would be perfect. 

And nothing Vegas planned was going to stop that from happening.

♧♧♧

“Khun-Kinn, they’re holding-”

♧♧♧

Holding what? Holding hands? Holding each other?

Mere seconds after they’d been looking into each other’s eyes?

Kinn remembered what it was like to look into Porsche’s eyes, to be so drunk on silly freedom that his walls crumbled till all that was left was being the center of Porsche’s world. He understood what that felt like. He’d seen it on the pier, and it had been magnified to a thousand in the forest. Because Porsche didn’t just look, Porsche didn’t just watch. Porsche’s eyes enthralled, they told stories that kept you so captivated, it hurt to look away.

Even if Vegas hadn’t been obsessed with Porsche before, Kinn could not imagine what was happening if Porsche was staring into his eyes… being shy… holding…? Holding what?

Not for the first time in his life, Kinn hadn’t waited for an answer.

Fifteen minutes later, he was walking into a bathroom, to a sight that caused the familiar, yet almost-forgotten stirrings of the growth in his chest.

♧♧♧

“I shouldn’t have loved a crappy guy like you.”

♧♧♧

Loved!

Kinn’s world shuttered around him, as the only thing visible became the naked man bathed in green light before him. For a moment, it felt like everything around him slowed down, got out of focus, as Porsche turned away from Kinn, angrily meaning to leave. To walk away, before Kinn had a chance to speak his mind.

Loved!

As in past-tense?

Kinn pulled him back as Porsche struggled in his grasp. Kinn grunted when Porsche’s shoulders knocked against his wound, but he couldn’t let go. Not now. If Porsche walked out of this bathroom, Kinn might never get the chance.

“I’m sorry,” Kinn whispered against Porsche’s back. 

Kinn kissed his skin, his clammy, sweaty, soft skin that Kinn had grown to know so well over the last few days, in the forest and in the hospital. Yet, now it felt so different, to have Porsche here, against the mirror, in this dimly lit bathroom that somehow showed Kinn what he’d never seen before. In a loud club where Kinn heard what he’d never heard before.

When Kinn worked up the courage to kiss Porsche on the lips, the bud shrunk, closing in on itself to the point that Kinn had to take a deep breath. It hurt to be free. To be seen. To be heard.

To be loved, the way that it felt like Porsche loved him.

♧♧♧

“You never trusted me.”

♧♧♧

On the contrary, Kinn didn’t think he’d ever trusted anything more than he trusted Porsche’s words. 

With each touch, each kiss, closer and closer to ecstasy, Kinn chased the feeling, loving how Porsche felt against him. He wanted to be this way forever. Especially with Porsche’s fingers wrapped around his dick, rubbing him till Kinn’s knees started to go weak.

Technically, it wasn’t the first time Porsche had touched his dick. But it was the first time he’d done it with no fabric between them, staring into Kinn’s face with sexual intent, twisting around Kinn till Kinn wanted to go mad from the sensation.

“Porsche,” he said, scared, elated, overjoyed that he could have this. “Porsche. Ah!”

He groaned, loving the pulse of his dick as he spilled into Porsche’s hands, his mouth going lax in a kiss as he lost the ability to coordinate his movements. Don’t let go , he wanted to say, but all he could do was hang on tight. 

Because Porsche was here, holding Kinn tight.

But best of all, Porsche was his.

Chapter Text

“Should we announce?”

♧♧♧

There were tears in Porsche’s eyes, looking down at Kinn. He couldn’t believe it, almost couldn’t trust it, but with Kinn staring up at him, his lips parted in ecstasy, calling on Porsche in soft whispers, Porsche knew it was true. It was real. Digging his fingers into the back of Kinn’s thigh as he guided his legs around Porsche’s waist, just to remind himself that this was real. He could have this. With Kinn. He was allowed this and it was beyond anything Porsche could have ever imagined.

“Am I doing it right?” Porsche asked.

Kinn nodded vigorously.

“It’s fine.”

This was his first time, on the giving end with a guy, with Kinn. A whole night or blurred bliss where Kinn didn’t let Porsche lift one finger had barely taught Porsche what to do when the roles were reversed. But with Kinn’s response, it was easy to feel like an expert. Because Kinn seemed to like everything, seemed to want everything. 

“Oh god,” Porsche moaned, leaning down to kiss him. “You're gorgeous,” he said, watching Kinn’s wide smile.

But then Kinn coughed.

Porsche's hips stuttered, knowing what it meant for Kinn to cough. He gripped Kinn tighter, pushing in, leaning down to kiss the cough, as Kinn wrapped his hands around Porsche’s shoulder. He coughed into Porsche’s mouth, and Porsche knew he ought to stop, to give Kinn a chance to breathe. But he didn’t want to. Kinn was in love with him. He wanted to love Kinn, too. No fucking petals were getting in the way of that.

He increased his pace as Kinn moaned, whimpering, nails biting into Porsche’s back as the taste in Kinn’s mouth began to get flowery. Porsche could taste it. A petal was trying to break free. But he couldn’t let it free. Not now. Never again.

“Porsche,” Kinn breathed, sounding pained as he reached between them to grab his own dick. “Don’t cum yet,” he pleaded with Porsche. “Give me a second.”

And then Kinn started to  jerk himself off, staring into Porsche’s eyes, loving every moment of it, forgetting the painful sensation of the petal stuck in his throat. Porsche wanted it gone. He wanted Kinn free. He wanted to love this man till he felt worthy.

As Kinn began to get noisy again, moaning, breathing loud, Porsche knew he was getting close, so Porsche increased his pace again, loving the feel of Kinn, enjoying seeing him this way. If he’d never been addicted to the look on Kinn’s face, Porsche definitely was, now. 

“Uh!” Kinn squeezed his eyes tight, spilling over his hands as Porsche allowed himself to cum, hitting Kinn just right as they writhed together.

This was it. This was love. This was everything.

It was just too bad that Porsche had to be a liar to keep it real.

♧♧♧

“The truth is the last thing that will help.”

♧♧♧

Porsche had monitored Kinn’s petals for days. Ever since he’d seen them in Kinn’s pocket in the forest, he’d known what it meant, understood why petals were following him around, understood why Kinn had asked about it. Every time Kinn coughed and looked away, every time he put his spit in his pocket or pulled a dustbin from beneath his bed, Porsche’s heart broke just a little more.

“What if I know who’s in love with me?” Porsche had asked Pete.

“Don’t encourage them. I’ve told you, Khun Kinn won’t like it.”

Porsche closed his eyes and sighed deeply.

“Imagine if Khun Kinn wasn’t a factor,” he’d said. “If I wanted to protect this person. If I didn't want them to die, how would I save them?”

“You make them believe you love them and you keep that up until they fully believe it.”

“Until he fully believes it,” he repeated. “I should tell him I love him, is that it?”

“Actions speak louder than words, Porsche.”

“I should do things for them.”

“Yes. You don’t have to love them. Just make them believe it.”

Now, that was the part that gave Porsche pause.

“You want me to lie.”

“This isn’t about the truth. In fact, the truth is the last thing that will help.”

“How do you love someone without telling them the truth?”

Pete sighed at him, like he thought Porsche was a fool. He pulled a chair up close and sat, facing Porsche.

“First, you don’t tell them you know about the petals.”

“What?”

“This disease is… it’s fickle and the tiniest thing could turn it from love to anything else.”

“But-”

“Aren’t you hearing me? Your actual feelings don’t matter. He has to believe that you love him. If he thinks you’re showing him affection because you saw the flowers, he could go from believing you love him, to believing you pity him. Remember, this disease is based on his perception. As long as he thinks you feel anything other than love, it’s done. It’s over.”

“So I never tell him the truth?”

“Maybe one day,” Pete said. “When he unequivocally, unquestionably trusts that you are in love with him.”

Which sounded like an impossible dream. Because he’d never met a person less willing to trust anything or anyone, than Kinn Theerapanyakul.

♧♧♧

“... that you and I are in love.”

♧♧♧

Kinn didn’t argue.

That was progress.

Granted, they’d been discussing Kinn’s dead ex-boyfriend: a topic that kept rubbing Porsche the wrong way. But at least, he’d slipped that bit into the conversation and Kinn hadn’t even batted an eye. He’d just sat there, accepting that Porsche professed his love as easily as he could without prompt.

A part of Kinn believed.

Not entirely though. Because there were still days when he could hear Kinn coughing in the bathroom. Even though such incidents were getting less frequent, they still existed. That didn’t stop Porsche. If anything, it only spurred him on. This broken, unhappy man was happy when he looked at Porsche. He was a child when he was with Porsche. He was new when he was with Porsche.

But more than that, he made Porsche feel things Porsche had never thought he’d feel for anyone, much less a man. It wasn’t a lie to say he was in love. He could feel it in his bones, in his movement, in his day, every breath he took.

Porsche was in love with this man.

He just needed to make sure that Kinn learned to understand that, completely.

Chapter Text

"Trust me again, Kinn."

♧♧♧

Was it really that easy?

Kinn could not believe that Tawan honestly believed it would be that easy. How shoddy was his memory? Had he gone crazy from being locked up that he thought Kinn would buy that? Did he really forget?

Because Kinn remembered everything. Every word. Every lie. No one in Kinn’s life would let him forget. Every time he made a mistake, Tawan’s name floated to people’s lips so easily. How could Kinn forget? His first love. His first and biggest mistake. What?

Trust Tawan?

Again?

He must have thought Kinn would be crazy or stupid.

♧♧♧

"Don't you have a meeting?"

♧♧♧

You should probably stop flirting with your ex.

Loud and clear. Kinn heard him. Kinn understood that Porsche was uncomfortable with the conversation and he wanted Kinn to stop. Which... Kinn hadn't expected his heart to take it the way he did. Because Porsche was pissed. His eyes narrowed into a sleek pretty frown that should have set off warning bells in Kinn's head.

And they did. They certainly set off an alarm. It took a moment for him to understand that he should cut it out. But as soon as it clicked, Kinn felt the beginnings of sweet flutterings in his stomach.

Porsche was pissed.

Porsche was worried.

Porsche was jealous.

Kinn had underestimated how he'd feel if Porsche ever cared enough to be possessive. Leaning against the wall outside Tawan's room, he clutched his chest as the flower bud curved in on itself even more. Porsche cared.

Don't you have a meeting?

The million times Kinn had heard those words from other people, he never imagined they'd feel so personal. So loving. So heavy. So Porsche.

He wasn't going to make a habit of it. Kinn would sooner die than make Porsche feel threatened on purpose. But it was nice to know, nice to feel the heat of Porsche's gaze as he looked Kinn right in the eye and told him in a few words, to stop misbehaving.

♧♧♧

"I feel sick."

♧♧♧

Porsche was a liar.

A cute, sexy liar with terrible acting skills, but a liar nonetheless.

Maybe Kinn should have been embarrassed that he was currently hiding under a blanket like a kid, just because his employee had come home drunk. But he couldn't find it in himself to be. Because Porsche was all about new experiences. He opened Kinn up to new experiences, new weirdness. Hiding like this was such a foolish little thing that it almost reminded him of the childish freedom of the forest.

It was also an added bonus that his lips were so, so close to Porsche's nipples.

As Porsche indulged Pete, Kinn licked Porsche's nipple. He couldn't move his head closer but as he tried to lick again, Porsche hit him to stop. He wanted to laugh. The idea of Porsche struggling to concentrate while Kinn messed with him was payback for that silliness in the conference room. But he couldn't move because of Porsche's hold on him.

It was exciting and fun and crazy to do this. He loved it. He wished Porsche would throw the blanket away so they could get back to it. Careless of an audience. If Pete wanted to watch, Kinn didn't give a fuck. He wanted to make love to his boyfriend and he didn't care who would see.

As Pete returned the second time and fell asleep, Porsche flipped Kinn over again. He hadn't been expecting that. But he liked it. No one ever manhandled him that way. Before he could argue, that fucking blanket was following Porsche again, covering them, putting them in darkness so he couldn't see Porsche.

"Shhh," Porsche said, his breath dancing over Kinn's neck. "I'm going to need you to be very quiet today," he whispered.

"Po-"

Porsche put his hand over Kinn's mouth as his hand slipped between them to push down Kinn's pants.

And, okay, maybe yeah. This was new, too. But this was also Porsche. And Kinn would always be down to try whatever weird, new thing Porsche was into.

Chapter Text

“I trust no one.”

***

A very delicate balance, Porsche thought. 

Having to trust a man whose very existence depended on his trusting Porsche was a complicated place to be in. Kinn loved him. He was certain of it. But wasn’t trust a necessity to get to that point? Or did Kinn’s feelings rely on what felt good, rather than what felt real and right?

There had to be trust. He had to believe in Porsche? Or else, what were they doing? So much of what Porsche needed to save this man’s life banked on him understanding that Porsche would do anything for him. Surely, he had to know that the spying was about their relationship, and about Tawan being a lying piece of shit.

Definitely not about selling Kinn’s secrets to their enemies.

Which would have been easy to believe if Kinn didn’t catch him running from his prison cell with Vegas.

“Porsche?”

Whatever madness in his head that had made him raise the gun in the first place dissipated as Porsche dropped it, immediately. 

“You have to trust me.” 

Your life depends on it. 

I will never betray you. 

I have to get to my brother.

Before now, Porsche would never have believed a person could love without trust. But he’d seen the distrust in Kinn’s eyes before. He’d heard the hate in his voice when he leaned into Porsche, loathing himself for wanting Porsche as helplessly as he did. Porsche knew. On some level, Porsche was aware of how Kinn could be feeling.

But he needed that trust almost as much as Kinn needed to trust him to survive.

***

“Are you just realizing?”

***

If anyone asked, Porsche would defend himself and say that he’d had an inkling. There were signs, blaring, warning signs screaming at the top of their lungs that Vegas was a walking red flag and not just a pretty face. And yet, Porsche hadn’t seen them. Not really.

Because Vegas was misunderstood, ragged upon, gossiped about. Everywhere Porsche looked, someone had something negative to say about a man who had only ever shown Porsche kindness. He could remember that night, when he’d been pushed to the point of complete depression, when he’d gone for a ride, free in the evening breeze, not a care in the world, because his boss’ cousin was the only decent human being in his vicinity.

Red flags?

In a sea of mean, murderous, mafia men, Vegas was just another man. One who’d treated Porsche better than most of them in the mansion. There was no reason to have his defenses up, more than usual. Yeah, Vegas had been pretty persistent about his feelings for Porsche, in a way that even Kinn never was. That probably should have been the first sign: a mafia man with unprompted words.

“What do you get from killing me?”

Vegas narrowed his eyes at Porsche, as if genuinely confused.

“Are you kidding?” he asked. “He’ll be heartbroken. Forget that, he’ll fucking die if you’re gone.”

“He’s stronger than that.”

“He’s sick because of you.” Vegas spat on the ground. “Fucking weak fool. He’s been coughing up petals for weeks now.”

Porsche’s struggle against the ropes stalled. How could he know? How could anyone know? Kinn had been so careful. If Porsche didn’t know what he was looking for, he’d never even know what Kinn was hiding, so how had Vegas found out?

Vegas laughed.

“He should have listened to his father,” Vegas said, raising his gun at Porsche. “No surgery will help him now if his heart is too busy mourning your loss.”

Kinn. Chay. Tem and Jom. Yok. Even Pete.

Porsche had been so stupid to trust Vegas and now everyone he loved would have to go on living, knowing that Porsche had never had the sense to see the truth that had been right before his eyes.

***

"You owe me an apology."

***

Porsche hated Kinn, just a little bit.

Okay, a lot. He hated Kinn a lot. He wanted to punch him. He wanted to give him a piece of his mind. But Porsche couldn't... he wouldn't refuse Kinn if he kissed him like this. As if he was trying to say things he couldn't say. In Porsche's mind, he chose to believe that Kinn was telling him he trusted him. Kinn’s kisses said that he loved Porsche, even though he'd never said it out loud. Vegas had spent every moment proclaiming his love and that had been a lie. If Kinn was cautious, then that had to mean something. 

If he clung to Porsche, if he sought after him like this, then that had to mean that Kinn trusted Porsche. That he knew that Porsche would risk it all for him.

Unless Porsche was deluding himself.

Because, even he was guilty of not trusting Kinn. He'd left. He'd spied on Tawan. He'd be a hypocrite to complain about trust when his heart would always wonder if there was a part of Kinn that wasn't faking his happy trip down memory lane with Tawan.

"Do you trust me?" Porsche asked, pulling out from Kinn’s embrace.

Kinn blinked at him and moved close, trying to plant another kiss but Porsche held him back, turning his head away. He really hoped that Kinn wouldn’t play this off as a joke.

"Use your words, Kinn.”

Three times now, Kinn had tried to avoid it. He couldn’t kiss Porsche every time they talked about trust, only to turn around and trust Pete more than Porsche. They were the ones who’d spent days together in the forest. If they could learn to trust each other then, why couldn’t they do it now?

Kinn licked his lips and moved his head out of Porsche's hands.

"Do you trust me ?" he asked Porsche back.

"That's never been in doubt."

"Did you think I was still in love with him?" he asked, swiftly tossing his cigarette away.

"You didn't explain anything to me."

"I shouldn't have to explain it to you," Kinn snapped. "I told you that he means nothing to me."

"No, you said he never loved you. You weren't clear on your own feelings."

"Damn it, Porsche." 

He turned to walk away but Porsche dragged him back, wrapping his hands around Kinn in a tight hug. 

"Please don't run away from me."

"Porsche-"

"I'm sorry."

He needed to say it. Even though he said it first, it didn't matter. Because this was important. This was a moment that could run away from either of them and never return if Porsche didn't take the first step.

"I shouldn't have gone with Vegas. I know that."

Kinn's hands wrapped around him, pulling him in as he buried his face in Porsche's neck, sniffing quietly.

"Porsche," he said, his voice shaking. "I'm sorry, too. I should have-'' he gasped like he was trying not to cry. "I should have told you everything. I shouldn't have let you go. I was mad at you."

"I was mad at you, too."

"I should have trusted you. I'm sorry for calling you easy."

"I'm sorry I spied on you."

Kinn cried, squeezing Porsche tighter and sobbing into his neck.

Then Kinn coughed.

Oh no. Not now. Not when they were trying to move forward. In his arms, Porsche could feel Kinn struggling to swallow back whatever was in his throat, but it persisted, causing him to pull away.

"Kinn-"

Kinn turned from him as he coughed one heavy, dry cough that pushed something from his throat. As soon as it fell on the tiles, he tried to grab it, but Porsche blocked him and reached it first. When Porsche opened his hand, they gasped, together, staring at what Porsche found.

It wasn't a petal. It was a product of Kinn's unrequited love.

In Porsche's hand, covered in mucus and blood, was the tiny bud that produced the hanahaki flower.

"I can explain," Kinn said.

"Does this mean what I think it means?" he asked.

"I don't know." Kinn said. "What do you think it means?" 

It could have meant that Kinn had coughed so much he’d dislodged the root of his biggest problem. But the easiest reason was so much better than that. Because if Kinn had coughed up the bud, then there were no more petals. If there were no more petals, then Kinn truly believed that Porsche loved him. And if he believed that then… Porsche laughed, jumping into Kinn’s arms as he wrapped his legs around Kinn and kissed the other man like their lives depended on it.

“I love you,” Porsche said.

“I… I-I love you, too,” Kinn said, laughing, even though he looked utterly confused.

Then he frowned at Porsche as his eyes widened. "Wait a minute,” he said, letting Porsche’s legs drop from his hands. “You’re not surprised at all. Did you know about this?”

“Hmmm,” Porsche pursed his lips. “Huh?”

“Porsche, did you know about my hanahaki affliction?”

They were dealing with trust, right? The bud was gone. What harm would it do at this point to tell the love of his life that he knew about this tiny, insignificant bud that had previously been trying to kill him?

“About that,” he began, knowing that he was going to have to apologize for this, too.

Chapter Text

“...because I wanted you to trust that what I feel for you is real.”

***

In the grand scheme of things, Kinn couldn’t bring himself to get mad over this. As Porsche roamed the patio, gesticulating desperately, trying to explain why he’d lied, Kinn wasn’t even really listening to him anymore. Not because what Porsche was saying was unimportant. No. On the contrary. His words held more weight than anything Kinn had ever heard. 

He loved Kinn.

He wanted Kinn to believe him.

He didn’t want Kinn to think it was anything else.

Kinn could understand lying to someone you loved. He could understand keeping the truth away because it didn’t fit with the current picture. If Porsche’s ultimate goal was a proclamation of love that he couldn’t use mere words to express, then bravo. He’d done well.

Because there was nothing that could convince Kinn that Porsche didn’t love him with all his heart.

***

“But I’ll let you and your brother stay here… as Kinn’s boyfriend.”

***

Was this what it would feel like , Kinn wondered. 

In recent weeks, his feelings for Porsche had dictated how he reacted to everything around him, held captive by the bud in his chest that coughed up tiny, blue threats, as if to remind him that he needed Porsche. He had to have Porsche. Without Porsche Kinn would be dead. Without Porsche’s affection, Kinn would be nothing. 

He’d grown to rely on the petals, in a weird sense. 

It had been a gradual process, but he eventually learned to see the signs, to see the way Porsche melted every time Kinn smiled; to see the tension in Porsche’s shoulders when he thought Kinn was uncomfortable or sad; to see the beauty of Porsche in the throes of passion, when he was so gone on the things Kinn did to his body that he looked like an addict on a high.

The petals had survived through all that, learning beside Kinn, that Porsche was here to stay.

Now they were gone, he wondered how he was supposed to know when things were going wrong. Because the petals always told him. When he got in over his head, when his heart broke from sweetness that he thought wasn’t real to the moments when Porsche was angry with him. The petals stayed with him, warning him to back off, to remember that Porsche was still a person with feelings that ebbed and flowed like the tides.

So how was he supposed to do this without them? 

Because looking at Porsche’s face itched in a way that usually precluded the arrival of a new petal. That wasn’t joy on Porsche’s. That wasn’t happiness because Kinn’s father had accepted him. 

That was discomfort and confusion.

Clasping his hands together, Kinn sat in place, watching the love of his life look down at his feet while the bodyguards rejoiced right outside the door. If Kinn had thought it hurt to feel Porsche slip his hands from his when they went on their first date, it was nothing compared to watching Porsche pull back into a shell.

He couldn’t wait to get out of the room, to get to some privacy where Porsche got comfortable enough, just so he could explain. This was not Kinn’s doing. He hadn’t wanted to bring up their relationship. It just sort of slipped out. 

If he could, he would have let Porsche go, but his father had been very pushy about Porsche from the beginning. The things Kinn had done to make that happen. They were working on trust, and Kinn trusted Porsche. He just didn’t think Porsche would trust him if he knew the extent of it all. But none of that changed the fact that Porsche couldn’t just walk out of the mansion without permission from Kinn’s father.

He hadn’t come into the study to expose their relationship. He’d come to talk. The fact that it was out in the open was not Kinn's doing. He needed Porsche to understand that.

As soon as Porsche’s room door closed behind them, Kinn kissed Porsche, holding him tight, around the waist.

“What is this for?” Porsche asked, cradling his face.

“I’m sorry about all that. I know that’s not what you wanted.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not.”

“Have I ever done anything I don’t want to do?”

Kinn tilted his head, raising his eyebrows.

“Should I answer that honestly?”

In the beginning, Kinn had thought Porsche was forceful and stubborn. But that wasn’t the case at all. Porsche was bendable. So many times, Kinn had fucked up and every single time, he’d thought, “This is it. This is the thing that would ruin whatever we have.” Each time, Porsche had let it roll off his back. Even the few times when Porsche’s anger lingered, he barely fought back. 

Which was why Kinn missed the petals. They told him when Porsche was pulling away, because Kinn couldn’t always see it. Because Porsche didn’t always call attention to it. Porsche was stubborn about the little things like what to eat, where to date, how to sleep. But with the big things, he just… he disappeared around the big things. As if he wanted to brush them away and pretend they never happened.

Like he was doing, right now.

Porsche pushed Kinn’s head away, rolling his eyes.

“Everybody already knew about us, Kinn.”

“We’ve been so careful.”

“Not really, no,” Porsche said, looking deep in thought as he headed for his wardrobe to start taking out his things. “Arm knew  so he must have told Pol. And we all know what a fortress of secrecy Pol is.”

When Kinn thought about it, he realized that was true. They’d made out just about everywhere in the mansion and fucked, at least once, on every floor. Porsche was creative about places and positions. He’d never been with the same person twice, so it got him going if they moved around.

“Should we have been more discrete?”

Porsche looked back at him, frowning.

“Hey, don’t do that.”

“What?”

“We’re good,” Porsche said, gently pushing Kinn to sit on Porsche’s bed. “Let’s just move forward. Okay?” He held Kinn’s chin in his hand. “I promise you, I’m fine with this.”

It sounded true, enough. Kinn really wanted it to be true. The petals would have told him for sure. God forbid he’d wake up to find out, one day, that this was something that had eaten away at Porsche till he’d started to resent Kinn. Because Kinn didn’t know what he’d do if that day ever came.

***

“Do something only you can do for him.”

***

Kinn didn’t even have to talk much. Or at all.

From the moment the chopper took off, Porsche wouldn’t stop talking and pointing. His joy was overwhelming. All Kinn could do was sit back and watch, sit back and listen as Porsche discovered the world from the sky.

Porsche was addicted to new experiences. Seriously, Kinn was going to have to top this the next time they went out. An excited Porsche was the best thing in the world. Kinn would do anything to see this again. If it meant renting a space rocket, chances were that Kinn was going to do that, some time in the future.

He was so enthralled that he didn’t catch on until he felt his belt buckle unclasp.

“Hey,” Kinn said, holding Porsche’s hand and looking back at the pilot. “Wait a minute,” Kinn giggled.

“He can’t hear us.”

“Porsche.”

“He can’t see us, either.” Porsche batted Kinn’s hands away. “It’s my birthday. I can do what I want.”

He smiled cheekily in Kinn’s face, pulling down his zipper as Kinn adjusted, unable to stop himself from wanting it, too. Porsche wanted his dick. Really, any protest was just hot air, at this point.

“Don’t worry,” Porsche said, reaching into Kinn’s pants. “I’ll be gentle.”

And yeah, things got a little rough and heated most times. But honestly? If it was with Porsche, Kinn could get used to some gentle on a daily basis.

Chapter Text

****

"I'm sorry."

***

It was about time.

Things had been going too smoothly for a while. Porsche wasn't a dirty secret. He had a job... sort of. And Chay was on his way to college. Life was blue. But blue wasn't exactly the best color, all the time.

That this had all started out as a joke from Arm that festered into an actual cause for concern was ironic. And not in a fun way. In the gut wrenching, heartbreaking, confusing way that adult life always was.

In fact, Porsche was sure a secret boy toy or prostitute on the side, would have hurt less. Because, why the fuck did Kinn know the man who had threatened his uncle and taken ownership of their home, thereby causing Porsche to take a job he'd never wanted?

As he waited, Porsche was reminded of the number of people he'd hit. The people he'd shot. The ones he'd killed. All for a man who was pulling strings to keep Porsche in place. Was anything real? Did he love Porsche?

Were the petals even real?

For all Porsche knew, those could have been faked to lure him into a relationship. What would work more than pity, when you wanted a man to submit to your every whim? And the worst part?

The fact that Kinn wouldn't answer a simple question.

"What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry."

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I didn't mean to," Kinn said. "I was just following my father's order."

Said the man who held Porsche's life in his hands. The one who could order Porsche into battle without breaking a sweat. The man who could lock Porsche up, regardless of whatever feelings they had for each other. This man was still just following his father's orders.

"Why me?"

"I'm sorry."

Kinn approached again, even after Porsche asked him to stay away. Like a bulldozer, he kept coming, ignoring Porsche's wishes. Because Kinn was nothing, if not persistent.

Porsche could see it on his face, his desperation to touch Porsche, to hold him, kiss him. To silence him with affection.

They could never have a conversation, because Kinn wouldn't allow it. He'd smother Porsche with kisses and end it with "I'm sorry" till Porsche choked to death.

All because Porsche had made the intelligent decision to fall in love.

***

"I covered it up in order to help my friend."

***

Porsche laughed when he entered his room. Scratch that. He laughed when he entered the room he was about to pack out from. Because, fuck this family. Fuck them all and their agendas. Why did he think men of the mafia would treat him any different? He was really just another kind of tool on the street for them to extort or use.

Hot on his heels, Kinn entered the room, slowing down like he thought Porsche would somehow not know he was present. Like he hadn't spent the last few months training Porsche like a dog, to sense Kinn without even trying.

Without meaning to, the laughter began to hurt as tears filled Porsche's eyes. When Kinn approached, Porsche shoved him away.

"I swear to god, if you touch me."

Kinn stood back, looking down at the floor.

"Were the petals even real?" Porsche asked, crying, unable to stop the tears. "What... what was this?"

"Was?" Kinn asked.

"What the fuck did you want from me?" When Kinn opened his mouth to speak, Porsche cut him off. "We promised to trust each other. How is that supposed to work if I keep upturning skeletons everywhere I fucking look?"

Screaming, Porsche lifted the stupid, center table and slammed it at the wall.

"I love you."

"Fuck you, Kinn."

Slowly, keeping his hands raised like Porsche was a feral animal, Kinn approached.

"Everything I've felt for you, is real."

"Not real enough to tell me that I'm essentially your slave."

"You're not my slave."

"You own my family's home. You have my brother living here. My life belongs to you. You don't see how that's... god!" Porsche turned away, and headed to their room, once again, beginning to pack his things. Because his life was now allergic to stability. He'd better not get too comfy at home though. Who knew what life would do to make that a temporary stay?

"Please, Porsche."

"Get your hands off me," Porsche said as soon as Kinn engulfed him in a hug from behind. "Kinn."

"I don't want you to go."

"I'm tired of having this same conversation."

"Please. I need you."

"No, Kinn," Porsche said, turning around, trying to shrug him off as Kinn held on, locking his hands around Porsche's body. "Stop."

"I can't lose you."

"Kinn-"

"Porsche-"

He managed to pull one arm free as he slapped Kinn across the face. Kinn let go, staggering backward. Together, breathing in unison, they stood in the quiet room, staring at one another.

Porsche wasn't sorry. If anything, he wished he could kick some sense into Kinn. But he was also very aware of the fact that one word from this man and this entire situation could just turn into something else. Porsche had to tread very lightly if he wanted to get out in one piece.

"I need some space."

"I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to do."

"I'm going home."

Kinn clenched his jaw, frowning at the floor like it had insulted him.

"I'm not going to stop Porsche."

He waited for a second, just to be sure that Kinn was aware of what he'd said.

When Kinn didn't say anything more, when he didn't add any conditions, Porsche moved quickly. After all, he'd have to get Chay's things as well. He couldn't dally.

***

"I hope you're eating."

***

Porsche cried everywhere.

He cried in the shower. He cried on his bike. He cried in the kitchen. He even cried so much one night, that Chay showed up to cuddle him back to sleep. He'd never known how empty his life had become, ever since Kinn started being the center of Porsche's world.

In some strange way, how Kinn liked to behave like he needed Porsche to survive, Porsche had somehow learned to feel the same way. Because even though he hated Kinn. Even though he wished he'd never see Kinn's face again, every time Porsche closed his eyes, all he could see was Kinn. Smiling. Crying. Angry. Shocked. Suspicious. Every single way the human face could contort, Porsche had memorized it on Kinn's face.

"I left some groceries at your gate."

"Pol and Arm keep asking about you."

"The apartment feels empty without you."

Porsche wasn't picking his calls. That didn't mean Kinn wasn't leaving messages everyday. 

In his own way, Kinn thought he was giving Porsche space. But he was still just everywhere. Then again, the messages were a step up from last time when Kinn had come barreling into Porsche's home, like he owned the place. On a balancing scale, the messages were a lot lighter than any other measures Kinn would have taken.

Was that progress?

Porsche had no idea.

That night, as he was smoking outside, because Chay didn’t want the smell in the house, Kinn called. Porsche watched it ring for a while, before he answered it, placing the phone to his ear.

“Hello? Porsche?”

Porsche’s lips shook as he tried to think of something to say.

“Are you alright?”

Porsche shrugged.

“Have you eaten?”

He nodded. And yes, he was very aware that Kinn couldn’t see him.

“Where are you?” Porsche asked, clearing his throat.

“I can be there in five minutes,” Kinn said.

Ten minutes later, Porsche was lying in bed with Kinn holding him from behind. His eyes drooped, about to fall asleep when Kinn started rubbing circles on his stomach.

"Can we talk?" Kinn asked.

Porsche didn't answer, because frankly, he didn't think there was anything Kinn would say that he'd believe, currently.

***

"I have been very happy since I got you."

***

Kinn was trying his best. Porsche could tell.

He seemed to want to overshare, to express how he was feeling about everything, to let Porsche know that he wanted to talk about the big stuff, without actually bringing up the big stuff. It was a little pathetic and endearing in a way.

At some point, it became obvious that Kinn wasn't planning on going home. He'd situated himself in Porsche’s home, determined to make a life for himself, like it was, in any way sustainable. And just as Porsche was beginning to trust it, just as things were starting to feel real, to calm down, to arrange themselves in a manner that didn't make Porsche want to put a bullet in his own brain, Korn showed up with pictures.

And yeah, Porsche should have known his two feet were starting to feel too steady not to attract calamity again.

***

“Do you want me to go with you?”

***

It made sense that it would come down to this. Porsche wasn’t surprised anymore. The fact that his first instinct was to pick up a gun was evidence of how far down he’d come. That he wanted to kill, was another instinct he’d garnered. Never mind the fact that he would just be creating another version of himself in whatever family members the man left behind.

Except, this time, it wouldn’t be because of an innocent accident. It would be because he made the conscious decision to commit murder.

Peak sainthood, really.

He didn’t know when he’d started crying, grabbing Kinn because he felt like he was falling into a pit of his own making. He’d done this. Porsche had come here. He could claim it was Korn’s manipulation, because on some level, it was. But at the end of the day, it was Porsche’s choice to pick up the gun, come all the way down here and attempt to open the car door.

If that little girl hadn’t…

He imagines what would have happened if he pulled the trigger and the girl saw him. If he pulled it at all and no one saw him. If he pulled it and the man died, even if he got away, it would still be that Porsche had murdered an unarmed man. Not a gang member. Not an armed thug. Not someone looking to kill him, too. Just another human being trying to live their own lives.

And it would never bring his parents back.

He’d been willing to sacrifice his life, his freedom for something so wicked, momentarily forgetting that Chay was right there, that he wasn’t thinking only about himself.

“Your mom and dad would be proud of you,” Kinn said.

Would they , Porsche wanted to ask.

Because when he looked back on his life from the last year, Porsche couldn’t help but wonder what parent would be proud of the huge mess that Porsche had made.

Chapter Text

“How are things?”

***

In three words, things were good.

Spectacular, even. 

They were back home where Kinn was sure of safety. He loved Porsche’s home but there’d been two successful abductions from within those walls. Making nice with Papa was just one of the ways things could go smoother. Papa, after all, just wanted what was best for them all.

So why did everything feel so wrong?

He could feel it, bubbling under the surface like a badly concealed bruise, waiting for salt to land to announce its location. Something was not right. Not with Kinn, per se. Not with Porsche, either. With the two of them as a unit.

He knew what Porsche felt like when he was excited. This calm man who parsed his words while his eyes shifted from side-to-side was not the man Kinn knew. 

“What’s going on?”

“Is there anything on your mind?”

“Are you okay?”

Kinn couldn’t help it. Every time he had to ask, he knew he should let it go. If Porsche wanted to share, he’d share. But they’d just come out of a very dark place. They’d just pledged themselves to each other. No more doubts. Kinn didn’t have anything to hide.

If Porsche wanted to know anything about his life, Kinn was ready to lay it all down. Because the thought of Porsche shoving him away, the thought of Porsche looking at him the way he’d looked at him that day, was unbearable. 

Kinn was so preoccupied with the idea of telling Porsche everything, that it took him a little while to realize that maybe Porsche’s silence wasn’t about Kinn’s secrets.

Maybe this time, Porsche had a secret of his own.

***

“I think you should have a little rest.”

***

Kinn placed the envelope in front of his father as Papa picked it up and pulled out the contents.

“Ah,” he said.

“I wanted to show you. The month is up and I told you I’d solve it.”

Papa nodded, looking at the hospital scan.

“You went to the doctor on your own.”

“Porsche went with me.”

“Clean bill of health.”

“No bud. No petals. Nothing.”

Papa put the scan back in the envelope.

“Good for you.”

Kinn repressed a flinch. It was probably nothing. It was just another one of Papa's mind games. There was a lesson to be learned here. There was something he was meant to see that Papa was refusing to highlight. They'd only just gotten back. Kinn wasn't exactly in the dog house, and Papa was giving them several allowances. 

That didn't mean Kinn had to get complacent.

"You're not surprised," Kinn said.

Papa shrugged. 

"He developed feelings for you." Papa looked at Kinn. "That's what you believe, right?"

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

"That's what I believe, yes," Kinn said, wishing he'd just dropped the envelope and left.

"As long as you're happy, I'm happy for you."

Looking back at his father as he walked away, Kinn had never felt so puzzled. There had to be something there. 

As long as you're happy, I'm happy for you.

Kinn didn't want to overthink it and learn the wrong lesson, but how could he interpret it any other way, than the simple fact that his father knew something that Kinn was supposed to know?

Something that was incredibly important to Kinn's relationship.

***

"Pete."

***

Something had happened.

It wasn't as dramatic as Tankhun was making it out to be, screaming and crying all over the house like Pete was dead, because Pete wasn't. Kun hadn't resisted a search of his premises. Kinn didn't even ask. He'd sent every available bodyguard into that mansion, seeking answers.

This time, his uncle hadn't seen it coming.

An extensive search was underway and if Pete was in there, they'd find him.

However, Pete showed up. Alive. Not looking very well.

Something had happened.

His arms were dirty and bruised, but that was the extent of what Kinn could see. Moving towards the room, Porsche blocked Kinn.

"He doesn't want you in there, right now."

"He should go to the clinic."

"Kinn," Porsche said sternly, causing Kinn to pause. "You're his boss."

"All the more reason for me to go in there-"

"And force him to talk?"

"I'm not going to force him."

"He doesn't need his boss right now."

Stepping away from the door, Kinn let Porsche go in alone.

He felt useless, standing out there, waiting. His bodyguard... Pete, who'd risked his life for Kinn. He wondered where he'd been, who he'd been with. If he asked Pete, he wondered if Pete would tell the truth.

Everyone was keeping something from Kinn, these days. What was one more person?

He couldn't even blame him. Kinn was shaping up to be a horrible boss. Kinn couldn't go back to the man he used to be. He didn't want to be that aloof boss who had no idea what was going on in his people's lives. Damn, Ken had been his main bodyguard and Kinn hadn't even been able to tell that he was working for the enemy. 

Kinn wanted to be better. He wanted to care. He didn’t want to see Pete looking like he'd been dropped in a blender.

What if Pete never came back? What if it was Porsche?

Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to block the images flooding in his head.

Because, on the one hand, he knew, his brain knew that Porsche was his bodyguard. It was his job to get between Kinn and danger. But on the other hand, Kinn would rather walk into traffic than let Porsche have a splinter in his nail.

Maybe they shouldn't have come back.

Because Kinn was, once again, wishing that they'd stayed put, in the fairytale cottage that was far removed from all this noise.

***

"Aren't you embarrassed to be talking to my parents like this?"

***

Big gestures. They worked every time.

The door hadn’t closed behind Kinn when Porsche shoved him against the door, hands on either side of Kinn’s head as he buried his nose in Kinn’s neck. He wasn’t doing anything. Just… standing there, breathing Kinn in.

Unsure what to do, Kinn hugged Porsche.

He’d been quiet the whole ride back. But that wasn’t strange, seeing as Porsche had been quiet recently. Little things that would have warranted discussion didn’t seem as important anymore. But as they’d driven home, he’d held Kinn’s left hand in his, nails digging into it, like he was afraid Kinn would slip away.

Which was a nice change of pace. It always seemed to be Kinn grabbing onto Porsche. Kinn running after Porsche. Kinn begging Porsche to just look at him. Not that he was complaining. Kinn had since abandoned any pride in his pursuit of Porsche. He knew he would do anything to keep Porsche by his side.

However, it was nice to get an inkling of that back.

Whatever was holding Porsche back, he wondered if a trip to Porsche’s parents had helped. Was this a manifestation of unsaid feelings? Was Porsche ready to open up? Or had he found a way to work through it all, on his own? 

Kinn couldn’t express just how much he wished he could climb into Porsche’s brain to know what was going on.

“I’m sorry,” Porsche whispered against Kinn’s neck.

Kinn held him, careful not to spook him into silence.

“I’m…” Porsche sniffed like he was crying. “I needed that.”

A hand came down to cradle Kinn’s neck as Porsche lifted his head and kissed Kinn.

“Thank you.”

“Anything for you.”

He kissed Kinn again, tilting his head so that he could lick into Kinn’s mouth. Nudging Kinn’s hands from around his shoulders, he unbuckled Kinn’s belt. Kinn moaned in anticipation. Still kissing, Porsche lowered himself, but Kinn was unwilling to stop just yet. Following Porsche down, they continued to kiss till Porsche pulled away, shoving Kinn’s hips against the door and pulling his dick out.

It wasn’t a regular occurrence and, honestly, Kinn wasn’t made to receive regular blowjobs from Porsche. Porsche tended to attack the task like it was life and death, a mission meant to suck Kinn’s brain out through his dick. Which usually required a couple of minutes for Kinn to recover from.

But this time, Porsche seemed to have other plans, nursing Kinn’s dick like it was fragile, dropping soft kisses along his length, craving Kinn like a reverent gift. By the time he took Kinn in his mouth, Kinn was grateful for the relief. Because Porsche was… Porsche’s mouth was warm, soft, wet and it felt like Heaven to be in there.

Resting his hand on Porsche’s head, Kinn moaned, using his other hand to hold the door frame. Porsche was taking his time, which meant they were going to be there for a while, pulling off, kissing the tip, licking the sides and swallowing again like he wanted to be there forever. 

By the time Kinn got close, his legs were quivering. Porsche took Kinn’s hands and pressed them into his hair, as if asking Kinn to pull it. Kinn didn’t need to be told twice. Grabbing on, he lifted from the door, as his hips rocked, seeking the completion Porsche was offering. Because there was nothing like being with a man who wanted you the way Porsche wanted Kinn. Because after everything they’d been through, everything Kinn had put him through, that Porsche would fall to his knees for Kinn’s pleasure was a treasure to be appreciated.

Grunting, falling back against the door, Kinn came down, pulsing into Porsche’s mouth like the world would never end.

***

“Why did you make such a big scene?”

***

Kinn fucked Porsche, nice and slow, on the sofa, in the shower, against the walls of the bedroom.

Porsche didn’t seem able to contain himself, roving from sobbing to moaning to clinging onto Kinn like his life depended on it. Kinn had never seen Porsche this way. He’d seen Porsche horny. He’d seen him desperate to fuck or be fucked. But he’d never seen him so sad, needy and still horny at the same time.

It was new. Ecstatic, but new. Like everything else with Porsche. It seemed like every time he got used to one version of Porsche, a new door was unlocked.

By the time they got to the pool, Porsche had regained himself, speaking calmly like he was trying to keep from breaking down again.

“Why did you make such a big scene?”

“Did you like it?” Kinn couldn’t help but ask, even though he had a clear idea what the answer was.

Porsche grinned down at him. Happy Porsche was easily Kinn’s favorite Porsche.

Lowering himself into the pool, placing Kinn against the edge, with his hands apart, Porsche was back. At least the Porsche that Kinn always knew. The naughty, feisty one who revved Kinn’s engines even after lots and lots of rounds.

Kinn hadn’t come since that blow job.

He was owed.

Pent up, craving Porsche like it was their first time, it didn’t take long for Kinn to cum. The view from beneath Porsche, the feeling of Porsche’s skin rubbing against his, Porsche’s sinuous writhing on Kinn’s dick.

Yeah, he didn’t last much longer.

Gasping into it, he kissed Porsche’s chest.

Feeling close, emotionally and physically, Kinn hugged Porsche and Porsche hugged him back. There was a shift in the relationship. The openness they’d been lacking for days was back. 

That night, in bed, they talked themselves to sleep. The dam had broken and Porsche’s words were back. And Kinn could not be more grateful.

***

Until he woke the next morning to an empty bed and a note that sounded awfully like a badly-worded goodbye.

Chapter Text

“...Namphueng is my sister.”

***

His first mistake had been thinking this would all go smoothly. That he’d talk to Thee, get the truth, confront Khun-Korn about his lies and get some… vengeance? Was that even plausible? Because, regardless of what he found, Khun-Korn was still Kinn’s father. Fuck, that was never going to end well.

But Porsche couldn’t let it go. 

And now, Kinn was his cousin. Kind of.

And Khun-Korn was in the hospital because of Porsche.

And Thee was dead, because of Porsche.

And for what? For fucking what? How was he going to explain any of this to Chay? That their mother used to be mafia, and that she died because she tried to leave. Which also meant that Porsche could never leave. Khun-Korn had said it already but it didn’t hit as hard as hearing that his mother had walked this same path. She’d tried to forge a better life for them, taken them away to a beautiful house, where she told them stories about the phoenix and taught Porsche to be strong.

All that was less than a memory now. Because how could he hold on to that, if it was tainted by the things Khun-Korn had said?

This house. This place of solace that used to be everything… Porsche could see it for what it was now. Because he was living in a trap. A falsehood. His parents had died here. He’d thought it was a fluke when he got kidnapped here. He’d excused it as just another day, when Chay had been abducted, too. 

But to hear… to remember… to see the shadows of the people who shot his father. This house wasn’t safe from anything, at all.

Nowhere was safe. 

Porsche was so stupid, poking his fingers in the lion’s eyes and retreating home like this feeble fence and fancy, white walls could protect him. His mother had thought so and she was gone. He’d brought this all on himself and at the end of the day, Porsche was either going to bow to the mafia or get a bullet to the head. 

It was, and had always been, that simple.

***

“It’s time to choose.”

***

Time to choose.

Right!

He switched off his phone before the OTHER Theerapanyakul heir called him to inform him of his “choices”.

They were laboring under the impression that Porsche had any say. Left to him, he’d rather they all burned. The world would be better off. He knew it wouldn’t be that easy. Men like Khun-Korn and Khun-Kun didn’t let things go. If they’d killed Porsche’s dad, what was stopping any of them from killing him?

Or worse yet, including Porsche in the fodder they piled up to die in that fucking sibling rivalry. Porsche wasn’t having any of it. If Vegas wanted to die for his father, if Kinn wanted to die…

Porsche dropped his gun on the swing table, and dug his finger into the wood. Fuck Kinn. He’d chosen his lying father. Again.

“FUCK!” Porsche screamed into the night, slamming his hand on the table. “FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUCK!” he let out a shaky breath. “Fuck,” he sobbed, covering his eyes as he rocked himself on the swing.

Fuck all of them. If they wanted to die for their fathers, then too bad. After all, Porsche didn’t even have a father to fight for.

*** 

“Hey, Porsche.”

***

Porsche woke up the next morning, still on the swing. Unwilling to move, he pulled his legs in, folding them and relaxing into a meditative pose on the wing, as the swing swayed because of his motion. Times like these, Porsche needed something else. Something other than his wrecked, powerless life could give him.

He’d learned, for years now, that he could fight, he could work, he could toil. And it would never be enough. Because life liked to take. It liked to take everything, especially from people who never had fuck to begin with.

“Thee was one of my men I sent to take care of you.”

That they’d been lucky enough to be in the custody of one of Khun-Korn’s most irresponsible men was either life’s designs’ or Khun-Korn’s plan, all along. Either way, fuck Porsche, right? That was what the universe wanted. To kick Porsche before he could get up and stump all over his head till he lost every sense of direction and desire. After all, Porsche had  been trained to take hits. He wouldn’t die. He’d probably bleed for hours. But that never stopped life from hitting again.

He had money now. It wasn’t much, but without funding a gambling uncle, Porsche had saved up. Maybe if he took Chay and they left, now that the main and minor families were about to go to war, he could actually make it far away before the winner knew what was happening. Even if he didn’t join the fight, they would come looking for him.

Porsche didn’t want to be there when they did.

For a while, he sat, trying to find clarity. But he couldn’t focus. His mind was racing, worrying, focusing on everything without because the pressure within was too much. He went up the stairs and started pulling Chay’s things into a box.

By the time he’d finished packing, Porsche sat on the bed again, unable to move. 

If he left now… fuck, he was literally doing all this for what? Did he want to leave? Could he? What were the chances that someone wasn’t out there, right now, watching this house with a gun pointing at Porsche’s head? The fuck!

Porsche fell back on the bed, drained to the bone. He wished the whole world would just stop. For one second. Give him a moment to breathe. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done nothing but existed. It’d been one thing at stake after another and he was. Just. So. Tired.

Pulling his phone out from his pocket, he turned it on to call Chay. Immediately it came on, he received a voice message.

From Pete.

The last time Porsche had seen Pete, Uncle Thee had…

And Porsche had been running away with Pete’s soulmate. Hooray. Great choices on the daily.

“Hey, Porsche,” Pete said. “Khun-Korn is dead and I can’t,” Pete’s voice shook. “I can’t force you to do anything and Khun-Kinn won’t call you, because… I just… so you know. Khun-Tankhun’s a mess and Khun-Kinn is…” Pete let out a loud breath. “Take care of yourself, Porsche. I have no idea why I called.”

The message ended.

Yeah, this was just par for the course.

God forbid the universe would give Porsche one fucking moment.

***

“If you don’t believe my father, then we’re on different sides.”

***

As far as Khun-Korn and Khun-Kun, Porsche was so done with either of them. The man who killed his father? Or the man who covered it up? Neither.

But Kinn. Fucking Kinn. Porsche wanted to slap the shit out of him. If he’d been serious about all this, if he’d taken a fucking stand from the beginning, they’d be gone by now.

He hadn’t even hesitated in extending an olive branch to his dad. One word and Kinn had gone running back, accepting peace so quickly. Over and over again, he’d chosen his father and his father’s war. A war that Kinn didn’t even want.

He wanted to be a singer, for fucksake. Kinn wanted to live a quiet life. And yet, his father kept pulling him back. Just like they’d pulled Porsche’s mother.

But then again, Porsche couldn’t hold it against him. If Porsche had a father, he’d bend over backwards to do everything that father wanted. So, maybe a part of him understood Kinn’s need to protect and obey.

Which was what made it so hard.

Because a Kinn without his father was a sad thought.

So, it wasn’t a choice at all. Because even though Porsche didn't want anything to do with the dead man, his son was an entirely different issue.

“I’m on your side,” Porsche said.

He had to make it clear. Because Kinn was a distrustful, hurting, angry man. Maybe the petals were done, they’d never return, but who knew what was filling up Kinn’s head in its place. It could be anything, after all, Kinn was just trying to survive all this, alone, without a father who was pretty much Kinn’s spine.

Porsche hated him a little. But Porsche loved him so much more.

The choice wasn’t really a choice, more than a culmination of everything Porsche had ever vowed to do when he decided to love this man.

***

“Everything I did, I did it for my nephew… and my sister.”

***

Porsche made a solemn vow.

Scratch that. Porsche made a violent vow, standing there in the attic and looking at a woman who should have been dead a decade ago. That if he survived, if he got out of all this and he wasn't dead, nothing on this planet was going to surprise him again.

Because what the actual fuck?

“Mom,” he said, unsure.

A car crash. No, a gunshot. No, depression. No, it was drugs. What was it? How many things had killed his mom, so far? Because that was his mom, right? She was the one. He wasn’t going crazy. Porsche was looking at his mother.

And like a snake-charmer, Khun-Korn was blowing his flute again. The stories never ended with this man. Porsche thought he was gone, that his hold on them was over. But here he was, in a room where he’d kept Porsche’s mother alive and secluded for years. Between the two men, Porsche wasn’t so sure Khun-Kun was as bad anymore. Because while he looked almost as devastated as Porsche felt, Khun-Korn remained calm, his clutch over everyone in the room, like the show was playing out exactly how he’d intended for it to go.

Hysterical, Khun-Kun’s voice started to rise. 

“Soon, everyone will know the truth,” he said. The truth that Nampheung is-”

And just like with Uncle Thee, Khun-Korn put a bullet in Khun-Kun’s head before he could say anything useful to Porsche.

“Don’t worry,” Khun-Korn said to his brother’s corpse. “Vegas and Macau, I’ll take care of them.”

How he took care of Porsche and Chay? How he gave them Thee who was nothing but a burden to them? How he ignored their plight till he needed Porsche and then acquired their home to force Porsche into service?

Is that what he wanted to do to his brother’s children? Because that was what he did to his sister's children. And he’d claimed to love that sister. Porsche could only imagine what he’d do to the kids whose father he hated.

His mother fainted.

Porsche rushed to her, but Khun-Korn got close, Porsche shoved him away, pointing his gun at him.

And like clockwork, Kinn was standing in the way.

Porsche frowned at him. This was expected. He’d just forgotten that the obedient son was in the room. The one who would rather look Porsche in the eye till Porsche relented, than stand up to his lying father. They’d just watched him murder his brother. Right after they found out that he’d imprisoned his sister. 

One egregious act after another.

Porsche was never going to get a straight answer. He was never going to be able to hold Khun-Korn to the fire, as long as Kinn existed. Because Kinn was a dutiful son. A son, like any other, who would kill for his father. Like Vegas. And if given the chance, like Porsche.

Meeting Khun-Korn head-on would lead to disaster. And frankly, Porsche didn’t want to know what choice Kinn would make if he was asked to choose between Porsche and his father. A part of Porsche knew what the answer would be. 

And that answer would break Porsche more than anything.

So, when Khun-Korn spoke, Porsche mellowed. Because he was learning. He was never perfect at school, but he always got enough marks to pass. He could listen. He could hear. He could learn the patterns because men like Khun-Korn, they left trails in their wake. Signs to follow.

Signs like handing over half of his empire to Porsche just so Porsche would shut the fuck up.

Even if there was a world - a time or place - where Porsche would believe anything Khun-Korn had to say, there was still the very unarguable reality that twice now, Khun-Korn had killed two people who would have exposed something he wanted to hide.

So yeah, Porsche took his ring. Took the responsibility. Because, at least now, he was a little more aware of who he was dealing with.

***

“Where’s my brother?”

***

Porsche had held a number of heavy things in his life. None of them were as heavy as the golden ring on his finger. Two hours ago, these men were trying to kill him. And yet, now, as he walked through the line of kneeling minor family guards who were still alive, their eyes lowered to his finger, nudging each other to look. Because, like Porsche, none of them could believe it. 

Porsche waved his hand and the main family guards dropped their weapons. They’d gathered the remaining minor family guards and were awaiting orders. But it wasn’t like Porsche could have them killed. The war was over. Sort of.

He had to start somewhere. Chances were that he was about to be very busy, trying to gel with men who weren’t his biggest fan. And Vegas was in the mansion hospital. And Macau… Porsche sighed. He’d thought he was tired earlier that morning. 

How wrong he’d been.

“Who’s the highest in rank still alive?”

None of them raised their hands, but they all seemed to be looking at the same man, a bulky man at the end of the line. He’d been shot in the arm and was bleeding from the face. Like most of the other men, he was a mess. Porsche walked up to him.

“The feud is over. Khun-Kun is dead.”

“Khun-Vegas-” the man began.

“Is being taken care of. As soon as he’s awake, you’ll hear about it.”

The man still looked unsure.

“Do you see this?” Porsche raised the ring.

“Yes,” he said. Then  he cleared his throat, lowering his eyes. “Yes, Sir.”

“We’re going to pack up our dead and return. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“We can’t go anywhere,” another guard, a much younger man, said. When Porsche looked at him, he shrunk back.

“You’re free to move around. These men need to be returned to their families. No one will stop you. What’s your name?” he asked the senior bodyguard.

“Yudt, Sir.”

“Okay, Yudt.” Porsche inhaled. “We need a truck to take your people back. We’ll clear the dead and then we can all take a trip to the hospital. Does that sound like a plan that you’ll be alright with?”

“Yes, Sir,” Yudt said, wincing as he bowed.

Which was a good plan. It sounded like a good plan. Porsche managed to wrangle a few main family guards to help as they moved bodies around, separating the main family dead from the minor family and moving them away. Porsche wanted to take a shower, but he didn’t think it would be okay to get out of his bloody clothes before he met with the rest of the minor family employees. Besides, he was hiding from a lot of things. A lot of people. Lifting and carrying people who couldn’t move, talk or look at him, seemed the best thing to clear his mind. Up and down he went, working along with the guards. 

Even when they tried to stop him, he wouldn't listen. He’d killed some of these men. And he was about to make them bow at his feet because of a piece of metal on his finger. But he had to do it. There was no physical gun to his head. But Porsche knew it was there. 

“Where is my brother?” he heard Macau’s voice from where he was on the stairs. “Ai Kinn!” Macau yelled. “Come out here and face me!”

He’d obviously heard the news about his father. Porsche wondered if he’d heard about Porsche.

As soon as Macau saw him,  he walked right up to Porsche and punched him right in the face.

All the guards from the main family dropped what they were doing, reaching for their guns. Two of them actually ran forward, grabbing Macau to restrain him from approaching Porsche again. 

In contrast, the minor family guards were confused. Unlike the main family guards who already had a sense of loyalty to Porsche, the minor family guards weren’t sure what to do with their long-time boss and the new boss who had the actual ring. 

Porsche couldn’t blame them.

“Leave us,” Porsche said to all the guards.

“Khun-Porsche-”

“Go!”

As the room cleared out, Macau shrugged off the guards that were holding him.

“What did you do with my brother?”

“He’s in the hospital.”

“If you think for a second-”

“I’m not your enemy.”

“Fuck you!”

Porsche wiped his hands against his mouth to keep from saying everything that was on his mind. Because Khun-Korn had cameras everywhere. And this boy, he was going to fuck shit up. He was young, scared and his only family member was in surgery, his life in the hands of their enemies.

He was in an easy position to get killed by Khun-Korn. And if Vegas woke up without his brother, well then, wouldn’t that just be awesome for everyone involved? Because nothing screamed thorn-in-your-side like a feral man with nothing to lose.

“I’ll have someone take you to his room.”

“So you can lock me up?”

Porsche thought about it.

“Yes,” he said, honestly. “You will be well taken care of till Vegas wakes up.”

Porsche waved at the main family guard who was standing at the door, watching them. 

“What?” Macau asked. “You can’t be serious.”

“Look, Macau. Nothing I say will make sense to you-”

“Because you’re a fucking liar. Just like the rest of them.”

“I’ll keep you next to your brother. But I can’t have you running around causing trouble and drawing attention to yourself.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Take him to Vegas’ room.”

“Get your hands off me,” Macau said to the guards who held him. “Yudt!” he called. “Yudt, don’t let them take me.”

He was just a kid. None of this made sense to him. If Porsche was in his shoes, Porsche would be raining down fire and brimstone. He didn’t need to imagine the fear and anger within Macau. Porsche could feel it. The agony of not being able to move how you wanted to be. The frustration of not knowing where or how your family was. Porsche could feel all of it.

As soon as he was out of Porsche’s sight, he strolled off to the side, entering into a quiet, deserted corridor. Quietly, Porsche lowered himself to the floor, sobbing into his knees as everything came crashing down. Hugging his knees, Porsche cried quietly.

He didn’t know how long he’d been there. But next thing he knew, someone was gathering him away from the wall and pulling him into his lap. Without looking up, Porsche knew who it was. He wrapped his hands around Kinn’s neck, not bothering to stop crying.

A minute. He was going back to the real world. He was going to have to move out again because he had a gold ring now. Relationship or not, he had an enterprise to run. And he couldn’t do that from Kinn’s bedroom.

Holding Kinn tighter, he pressed real close, loving the fact that Kinn seemed just as desperate to hold on to the moment as Porsche did. It wasn’t the end. Not at all. But it was the beginning of something. And beginnings tended to end other things. Not everything. Just something. 

And that was enough to make Porsche tear up, once again.

Chapter Text

ONE MONTH LATER

Kinn didn't see Porsche everyday.

They talked on the phone everyday, but it wasn’t the same.

He went to bed, missing Porsche like Porsche was halfway across the world, when he was literally just down the street. Porsche was busy, now. Porsche had businesses to run. At least, the way Porsche saw it, he had businesses to delegate. Because even though he was doing just fine, Porsche thought he was awful at it. 

With the main and minor family being on the same page, it was harder for the other clans to delve between them. The wonders that could happen if the right finger was in that gold ring. Kinn was proud. His father was satisfied. Porsche was… getting there.

Every once in a while, Kinn would note a deep frustration in Porsche that had nothing to do with what was going on in the present. But he knew he couldn’t rush him. Porsche was a secretive man with many words. Kinn just had to wait till the real source of the problem filtered through. 

Patience.

If there was anything he was learning in this love, it was patience.

“All my life,” Porsche said one night, as they stood on the bow of Kinn’s new boat. “Is yours.”

Which was not anything Kinn had thought Porsche was going to say. Porsche was surprising like that. Saying things that would have been frivolous if anyone else said it. Because people liked to promise things they didn’t mean and say whatever they thought Kinn wanted to hear. 

Not Porsche, though.

Porsche meant it. Porsche willed it. Porsche was promising Kinn something more than he’d ever promised before.

“I promise you,” Kinn replied. “I’ll treasure it.”

Porsche pulled him into a hug. Safe. Steady. Sure.

“I love you.”

And in reply, Porsche laughed and kissed Kinn. Kinn didn’t care about tomorrow. Today was okay. Today was great. And he was going to enjoy it to the fullest.