Chapter Text
It had already been three days.
It had only been three days.
How could time move at such breakneck speed and such agonizing slowness simultaneously?
Though Nesta’s magic healed my life-threatening wounds, that didn’t mean that my body instantly snapped back to its pre-pregnancy state. My stomach was still swollen, but soft and floppy without a baby inside it anymore, littered with dark purple stretch marks. My uterus cramped and bled, shedding the last of the protective internal lining. That wasn’t to mention my breasts, which were constantly leaking and often painfully stiff and swollen.
I hadn’t properly bathed since Nyx was born because Madja said I couldn’t be submerged in water for three weeks. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I would even be able to get in and out of the tub if I tried, I was so unsteady on my feet. My leg hair had grown long and itchy, the hair on my head so matted and tangled I worried I might have to cut it off.
While it’s true that all the sweet snuggles with my precious new baby made my heart swell, a part of me was aching to do something else other than lay in this bed. I felt like I might go crazy if I didn’t get some relief soon.
Of course, my whole family had been around plenty to help. Azriel and Mor regularly brought me trays of food, water, tea, anything else I needed. Elain or Cassian would often come hold the baby to let me go to the bathroom or take an uninterrupted nap. And Rhys had been a champion from the start, reminding me to pump so that there would be breast milk for him to use at feedings, though Madja had also given us a powder we could use. He insisted on taking turns with feedings overnight, and jumped in right away with changing diapers.
As a family full of people who had no experience with babies and no parents to ask for advice, we were figuring everything out by the seat of our pants. The questions we had no answers to felt endless: Was his poop supposed to be that color? How hot should the bath water be? Is he hungry when he makes that face? Should he be sleeping so much? Is he sleeping enough? Is he eating enough?
So much worrying over one little Illyrian baby.
I glanced down at Nyx snuggled in my arms and saw that he had drifted back to sleep. I let myself enjoy his peaceful sleeping face while I debated: did I dare try to set him down in his bassinet so I could use the toilet?
Last night, Rhys had been up with the baby three times in a row to let me sleep, and I was too tired to object. In the morning, when he looked ready to fall over in exhaustion, I insisted that he go lay down and that I had it under control. I was lying through my teeth. He had looked at me suspiciously, but in his exhaustion either let me get away with it, or convinced himself he was imagining it. I needed a break.
Three days into motherhood and I needed a break already.
Just when I had resolved to risk it and try transferring Nyx to the bassinet, two soft raps came at the door. It opened a crack and Azriel peeked his head around.
“Oh Az,” I sighed, “you’re right on time. I really need to pee.”
He smiled and rushed over to accept Nyx. He cradled the little bundle with heartbreaking gentleness against his broad chest, shadows appearing to dip in and out in little kisses across the baby’s face. He nodded to me in silent permission to go.
When I returned, Az was perched on the edge of the bed, one finger gently stroking Nyx’s forehead, wings and shadows cocooned around them protectively. I stayed standing, needing to stretch my legs from laying in bed for so long, and admired the adorable bond already forming between my son and the shadowsinger.
I stretched my arms high over my head—oh shit, too high. I yelped and my arms snapped back down to hunch over the pain that stabbed my belly.
Shit shit shit. I did something. There’s something wrong, there must be. Instantly I was back in the delivery room, writhing in pain, desperate to get Nyx out in one piece. My body froze in fear, heart racing, eyes staring widely.
Azriel stood in alarm, “What’s wrong?” His eyes scanned me, shadows swirled around him searching for the threat.
“It’s fine, Az. It’s…it’s just a cramp,” I managed to wheeze through gritted teeth, trying to stifle my body’s panic response. I’m ok. I’m alive and Nyx is alive. It’s just a cramp, I chanted to myself.
I braced my hands on my knees, staring at the floor and focusing on my breathing. Az walked over and draped his free arm over my shoulders. “Why don’t you come sit down?” His words were laced with understanding. I complied and let him guide me back to the bed.
“It’s normal,” he said, “for the pain to be…triggering.”
I felt a pang in my chest, tears welling in my eyes at the reason why he would know that. I couldn’t respond verbally so I simply nodded in thanks.
“Can I bring you anything?” he asked.
I shook my head no. We sat in silence together while he held Nyx and I rested my eyes. I thanked the Mother for Azriel and his kind words of understanding. And his comfort with silence.