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Jeongguk had promised himself that he’ll never fall for a straight guy, ever. Unfortunately, Min Yoongi had to walk in his life eleven months ago. Eleven months ago—when Yoongi applied to be his roommate. Eleven months ago—when Yoongi stepped inside their apartment and introduced himself with the biggest gummy smile ever, and that’s when Jeongguk knew he was none other than utterly fucked.
Yoongi is too kind for Jeongguk’s own good. He likes Yoongi in many ways—he likes how Yoongi talks to him freely and shares his thoughts without judging him (not even a little bit). He likes how Yoongi lets him open up and lets him just cry without pitying him—because he understands Jeongguk and reassures him for every small thing. He likes how Yoongi comes home from his work, tired, but still manages to cook ramen for them late at night. He likes how they both have similar tastes in music and recommend each other new music that they discover once a week as if it’s a tradition (their tradition). He likes—he likes Yoongi. Everything that Yoongi does matters to him. He likes Yoongi.
And then he liked Yoongi even more—when he came out to him seven months ago and said he’ll never judge Jeongguk for who he is and he accepts Jeongguk for who he is. He liked Yoongi even more—when Yoongi said he wants Jeongguk to be happy with a guy, and that if his future boyfriend will hurt him, he’ll receive the strongest punch that he’ll ever get in his entire life.
(“Hyung, I-I have to tell you something,” Jeongguk said nervously as he sat on the couch, fidgeting his fingers uncontrollably.
“Gguk? Is everything okay?” asked Yoongi, with a very worried tone, and that even made Jeongguk ten times nervous.
“Yeah, I just have to tell you something,” Jeongguk gulped. “Can you sit on the couch, please?”
Yoongi blinked his eyes at Jeongguk across the room before fully drinking his glass of water and reaching the couch to sit beside the younger.
“Hyung, I’m—”
“Jeongguk, if it’s about the chicken that I ate, I’m really sorry. Please don’t move me out—I—”
And before Yoongi could continue his rambles, he was cut off by Jeongguk’s laugh. “Hyung—Oh my God. That’s not what I—”
“Oh,” Yoongi blurted, and Jeongguk stopped laughing after a second, a smile still etched on his face.
“Hyung, I know it was you who ate the chicken and I’m not mad about it and I am definitely not gonna move you out but—” Jeongguk giggled and started to avert his gaze on Yoongi. “I’m gay, hyung.”
Silence ensued after Jeongguk’s words, none of them spoke in a minute. Jeongguk’s gaze was still on his lap, and Yoongi’s mouth was slightly parted.
“Um,” Jeongguk croaked to break the ice, his almost-watery eyes finally meeting Yoongi’s face of surprise. “Are you going to say something?”
“I’m—that’s so brave of you, Jeongguk,” Yoongi then accomplished to let himself say a thing.
“Y-You’re not mad? Or like—”
“Jeongguk, don’t be like that. Of course, I’m not mad,” Yoongi gave him a fake glare and sighed. “I won’t be mad at you for being you.”
“But—”
“Jeongguk. I will never judge you for who you are, no matter what. I accept you for who you are, you know I’ll always will,” reassured Yoongi, giving him a kind smile and Jeongguk thought he might cry a river right here and there. He’s seriously falling in deep for this guy.
“I’m sorry if I told you just now. I just didn’t know how to bring it up,” Jeongguk sniffed, looking down again. “Thank you, hyung.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me, Gguk-ah,” Yoongi patted his shoulder as a gesture of reassurance. “You don’t have to tell me when you’re not ready, you know. I know you were nervous, and you’re brave for coming out to me.”
Jeongguk nodded at him as an acknowledgement, “Well, I thought you’re gonna be a homophobe so—”
Yoongi jokingly gasped at his statement, “How dare you! Do you really think of me that low after everything I’ve done for you?”
“I mean—”
“I don’t want to hear it! And you know what, if your future boyfriend will ever hurt you, he’s gonna get the strongest punch in his life,” Yoongi dramatically crossed his arms as he stood up, making Jeongguk let out a boisterous laugh. “And don’t ever talk to me!”
Jeongguk’s laugh faded behind Yoongi’s back as he walked towards the kitchen to cook three packs of ramen for them.
And Jeongguk is so so so so fucked.)
However, Jeongguk has already accepted the fact that he’ll never stand a chance with Yoongi. Min Yoongi: a musical and lyrical genius, wise, observant, the kindest, the most understanding, the one-in-a-billion kind of man, and last of all: straight—and for sure, Jeongguk wouldn’t stand a single chance at all. He wishes, sometimes, that Yoongi would realize that it’s Jeongguk who’s been there for him all along.
“Why are you always deep in thoughts, Jesus,” a voice behind Jeongguk makes him jump in shock.
“Fucking hell, Jimin hyung,” Jeongguk chides. “Don’t scare me like that.”
“Well, maybe if you aren’t too spaced out!” Jimin groans, taking the chair in front of Jeongguk and sits. “It’s about Yoongi-hyung, isn’t it?”
“No,” Jeongguk quickly sips on his coffee that turned lukewarm after he left it hanging for a few minutes.
“So, I’m taking it as a yes?” Jimin interrogates.
“Don’t provoke me, hyung,” says Jeongguk tiredly, heaving a long sigh, and buries his face in his palms.
“It is a yes!” Jimin claps and slams the table with a smug look, folding his right hand on the tip of his chin in merely a second. “Come and tell me about it.”
See, Jeongguk kind of hates talking about anything that regards his feelings towards Yoongi. But as much as he doesn’t want to bottle up his feelings, he’s okay with pouring out all his feelings to his friends. He knows he isn’t a big burden to his friends, knowing that they’re all down for any gossip, but sometimes, he just can’t avoid the feeling of being a big burden and how his friends hear of how much of a mess he is for falling for a straight man. Sometimes, just sometimes. Not now. But—
“Hyung, I’m running out of words,” Jeongguks says truthfully, a sad tone hiding beneath his voice—enough for Jimin to hear. “I just really like him and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been like this for the past eleven months.”
“Oh, Jeongguk, I’m sorry,” Jimin says, shooting him an empathic look and sliding to hold his hand.
Jeongguk wants to look up and say “It’s okay, hyung,” but instead, he remains quiet. It’s true, he ran out of words to describe what he’s feeling. He thinks he doesn’t have the stability to build up more words.
The silence has been cut off by Jeongguk’s phone ringing loudly. He pulls his phone out from his pocket, seeing “namjoon hyung” flashing on his screen, and picks it up.
“Hyung, what’s up?” Jeongguk says, biting his lip.
“Um, Jeongguk—” Namjoon starts and a loud smack on Namjoon’s shoulder interrupts him all of a sudden.
“JEONGGUK! Jeonggukie-ah—!” A familiar voice joyfully screams his name. Yoongi-hyung?
“Ouch, hyung!” A loud crash is followed by Namjoon’s wail.
“Hyung, what’s going on?” asks Jeongguk, worriedly. He passes a glance to Jimin, with Jimin watching him in concern.
“Sorry about that—” Namjoon breathes heavily, struggling to speak. “But can you please pick up Yoongi hyung? He’s really really wasted right now and I’m having a hard time to hold Hoseok and him together—oh my God, hyung—”
Jeongguk stands up in a flash, already wanting to rush out of the café. “I’ll be right there, hyung. Please send me your location,” Jeongguk immediately hangs up, hastily wearing his jacket as Jimin monitors him.
“So, are you going to tell me orrrr?” Jimin sasses, raising a brow at Jeongguk.
“Yoongi-hyung’s drunk, I need to pick him up,” Jeongguk says in response while he reaches for the café’s door. “I’ll see you, hyung. Thanks again.”
“See ya,” Jimin says, watching as Jeongguk calls for a taxi. He lets out a sigh, Jeongguk is really hopeless.
###
“Oh, thank heavens you’re finally here,” Namjoon says after he opens the door with Jeongguk’s presence greeting him. “I’ll go get Hoseok in the bathroom—and Yoongi is in the kitchen, by the way.”
Jeongguk steps a foot inside Namjoon’s apartment and begins to search for Yoongi. He heads towards the kitchen and sees Yoongi lying on the refrigerator with his head low and murmuring. He walks towards him and touches Yoongi’s shoulder gently.
“Hyung,” he whispers, attempting to catch Yoongi’s attention. The older raises his head, and his eyes light up, his mouth shaping into a big smile.
“Jeongguk! Hello, Jeongguk-ah,” Yoongi drunkenly greets, and for only he knows Jeongguk is a little fond of him.
“Yes, it’s me, hyung,” Jeongguk giggles, entangling his arms under Yoongi’s upper limbs with full force to support him to stand up.
“Aish, Jeongguk,” whines Yoongi, laughing all over again. “You—are erm… Jeongguk-ah. So nice.”
Jeongguk ignores Yoongi’s incoherent and coherent rambles and focuses on maintaining Yoongi’s balance matching his. He catches sight of Namjoon, who is almost out of breath, closing the door of their room.
“I’m sorry again, Jeongguk-ah,” Namjoon frowns the moment he approaches them. “I didn’t know they’d be this wasted.”
“It’s fine, Namjoon hyung,” Jeongguk grins, still holding tight onto Yoongi. “We better go now. This man is pretty hard and heavy to handle.”
Namjoon laughs, and a minute later, they’re already waving their goodbyes.
###
Jeongguk slams the door shut and rushes to grab Yoongi before he is thrown to the ground. “I told you to be careful!” Jeongguk scolds, in which Yoongi returns with a chuckle.
When they finally reach Yoongi’s bed, Jeongguk tosses Yoongi on his bed, but in unfortunate events, Yoongi is hugging his neck tightly and is brought with Yoongi.
“Fuck,” Jeongguk curses under his breath, the proximate gap suffocating and taking his breath away. “Not too close, hyung.”
Jeongguk strives to remove Yoongi’s arms and finally (finally, Jeongguk thinks) succeeds.
“Alright, hyung, you’re done,” Jeongguk darts at him with a glare, preparing to leave Yoongi’s bedroom. “And don’t get yourself drunk like this ever again.”
“Jeongguk-ah,” Yoongi murmurs with a hint of a sleepy gist on his voice, gripping onto Jeongguk’s wrist before he sets out to leave. “You’re so nice that sometimes I just want to kiss you.”
Jeongguk feels his body freeze at Yoongi’s words. Jeongguk feels numb, not even noticing that Yoongi had already let go of Jeongguk’s arm and is already knocked out snoring.
What the fuck just happened?
###
jeongguk [11:23pm]
jimin
hyung
fuck
ohmyjggughfihjshjjbdhgsjhdkhfubg
jimin [11:23pm]
WHAT HAPPENED
is everything ok
jeongguk [11:23pm]
NO
EVERYTHING’S NOT FINE AT ALL
i am in misery
jimin [11:24pm]
??? ELABORATE???
jeongguk [11:24pm]
hyung i cabt do thisdhsjdbhfbdj
yoongi hyung
hesidjhhkhucgyg
jimin [11:24pm]
what did he do… oh my god
jeongguk [11:24pm]
hyung he just
when i was about to leave
he just held my wrist and said
“jeongguk-ah you’re so nice that sometimes i just want to kiss you”
and
he fell asleep
just like that
i dont know what to do hyung i just dont know anymore
jimin [11:25pm]
HE WHAT
HE SAID THAT
????
what the FUCK jeongguk oh my god
he wants to KISS you
jeongguk [11:25pm]
hyung i dont know i do not know
he wants to kiss me because im NICE???
im not taking that
and he’s DRUNK!!!!
he doesn’t mean that he definitely doesn’t
jimin [11:25pm]
jeongguk. listen
drunk words are sober thoughts
that liquid courage got him a little too well
if he wants to kiss you
doesn’t that already mean something?
jeongguk [11:26pm]
hyung i cant
he cant
this is all too overwhelming for me
hyung i like him too much and it’s already hurting me so much
i don’t want to talk to him
i can’t face him.
jimin [11:26pm]
oh my jeonggukie ):
it’s okay. take your time.
i understand that it overwhelms you.
take all the space you need, ok?
do you want to drop the topic?
jeongguk [11:27pm]
yeah hyung
thank you
i’ll head to sleep now
good night
jimin [11:27pm]
goodnight gguk
sleep well
and try not to think about it too much
im always here if you need me
jeongguk [11:27pm]
noted
Jeongguk places his phone on his nightstand and covers himself up with his blanket. The mere thought of Yoongi gripping onto his wrist and casually saying he sometimes wants to kiss him repeats in his mind. He closes his eyes and counts to one hundred.
(He wishes to forget.)
(He dreams of kissing Yoongi that night.)
###
Jeongguk wakes up with the sunlight pecking his face. He groans and straightens his arms; and then outstretches his hand to get his phone, the time of 10:26am saluting him.
He fixes his bed and heads towards their living room. He prays not to see Yoongi in the midst of his crisis ‘cause hell, he will probably not survive at holding himself back from lashing out.
But God is definitely not on his side.
Yoongi is in the kitchen with fucking messy hair, a white t-shirt, and sweatpants making some damned coffee.
“Morning, Gguk-ah,” Yoongi greets with a deep sleepy voice, not looking back, giving recognition of Jeongguk’s appearance. And holy fuck, Jeongguk imagines himself fainting with the sound of Yoongi’s morning voice.
He pushes his thoughts away in terror, reminding himself to keep on track. In lieu of greeting a good morning back to Yoongi, he hums in acknowledgment, gets himself a glass of water, and sits down at the table. The desire to blissfully reply to Yoongi with a good morning like the usual is punching him strongly, but his proposal of ignoring Yoongi’s existence is keeping his head up (thankfully).
Jeongguk quietly prays that Yoongi would hopefully not notice the change in his actions, which once again is futile because Yoongi knows him better than literally anyone and himself.
Jeongguk competes with himself not to eye Yoongi and just concentrate on his glass of water, but it’s really impossible not to look through the corner of his eyes to watch Yoongi take the seat in front of Jeongguk.
Jeongguk’s gulp is soon replaced by Yoongi’s question.
“Is everything okay, Jeongguk-ah?”
“I’m perfectly fine, hyung,” he retorts. “Just tired.”
Jeongguk isn’t dreadfully sure that he convinced Yoongi. Regardless, he’s relieved that Yoongi didn’t ask questions further. This is going to be easier than he thought.
But he spoke too soon.
“Did I say something to you last night?” Yoongi asks, benevolence attached in his voice. “I’m really sorry if I did something that made you upset, Jeongguk-ah. Please tell me what I did wrong.”
This is one of the reasons why it’s awfully hard not to like Yoongi. He always knows that he did something that made you upset, and he always does his everything to make sure he’ll make up for it. He isn’t the type of person to act like nothing happened and just move forward. He’ll always apologize no matter what, he validates every little emotion that you feel.
And it happens every time, when Jeongguk is upset because of Yoongi and Yoongi insists on talking about their situation and treats him with food or watches Jeongguk’s favorite movies of all time with him to make up with him.
Like that one time when they had an argument, and Yoongi snapped at Jeongguk with the most hurtful words that he threw.
(It was three in the morning and Yoongi wasn’t home. He never got home this late and if he does, he’ll give Jeongguk a heads-up text. But he never did, and Jeongguk was getting worried. He was pacing back and forth around his room for approximately five minutes now, deciding if he should call Yoongi or not.
Minutes afterwards, he heard the front door click open and ran fast out of his room.
“Where have you been?” questioned Jeongguk abruptly when he met Yoongi in the living room, whose appearance was painted with tiredness and frustration.
“Not now, Jeongguk,” Yoongi’s voice shifted in a low pitch, too distantly and almost infuriatingly.
Jeongguk was startled by Yoongi’s actions, “hyung, where have you been?” Jeongguk protested to himself to interrogate his roommate.
“Jeongguk, I said not now,” Yoongi raised his voice, and Jeongguk was absolutely terrified. He had never ever raised his voice at Jeongguk.
“Hyung, I was just—”
“Shut up, Jeongguk. I’ve always bared living with your annoying presence and you did not hear me complain. Not even once,” Yoongi yelled at Jeongguk, giving him a scary glare as he pointed his finger at the younger. “I don’t want to deal with you right now. Piss off.”
Jeongguk watched as Yoongi angrily slammed the door of his room close, and his eyes were stinging and tears soon started to fall down on his cheeks. He ran off to his room as he sobbed, acknowledging every word that Yoongi had tossed to him. He didn’t mean it, right? Right?
It’s inevitable for Jeongguk to recall his moments spent with Yoongi, and maybe he was a little annoying to Yoongi. He cried a little bit more, whimpering as he registers the fact that Yoongi was bothered all this time Jeongguk was showing his love language to Yoongi. It hurts, more than a decent amount. It hurts.
The night filled with Jeongguk’s cries lulled him to sleep. Perhaps, it’s best for him not to communicate with Yoongi anymore. Perhaps.
Jeongguk woke up with his eyes swollen, his mind slipped throughout the memory of last night. He figured it’s not healthy for him to reminisce about bad memories.
He stood up, letting his feet bring him to his bathroom only for him to look at himself in the mirror. A mess, he thought to himself and shrugged. He left his room with his face wet, and with no doubts that Yoongi was working.
His doubts, this time, were wrong. Yoongi was there sitting on the couch, probably waiting for Jeongguk to get out of his room. Jeongguk froze in panic, a millisecond had then passed and it unfroze him.
He wanted to ask, “what are you doing here?”, but nothing came out of his mouth. Like he said last night, he didn’t want to do anything with Yoongi anymore.
So, that’s what he did. He moved, acting like Yoongi doesn’t exist at all, and with his mind chanting “I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.”
He reached the destination of their kitchen, he got four slices of loaf bread and sat at their table. He ate, too quietly—he set his thoughts aside as he longed for Yoongi’s words, he longed for Yoongi’s apology, he—
“Jeongguk-ah,” a familiar, too intimate to his heart, voice called his name. There it is, Jeongguk thought.
Jeongguk spared him a look and averted his gaze shortly after. He was upset, but he isn’t going to cry. He isn’t. He felt tears forming in his eyes, rolling down on his cheeks while he was chewing mindlessly.
And it all happened too fast—Yoongi reaching out to embrace Jeongguk, Jeongguk quietly weeping on Yoongi’s neck; and in another flash, they’re in Yoongi’s bed with Jeongguk being held closely by Yoongi and consolingly ruffling his hair.
Jeongguk sniffed, Yoongi’s arms wrapped around him made him feel safe and sound despite the cruel words that he received from Yoongi last night.
He soon calmed down, leaning closer to Yoongi’s touch. They lingered in their position for a while, not bothering to say a single word. Jeongguk’s eyelids fell, hovering him in the darkness.
He woke up and was met with a familiar smell and a heavy figure in front of him. His face flushed, the feeling of Yoongi securing him and his waist made him flustered. He shifted forward, wanting to be caged in Yoongi’s space.
“Awake?” he heard a voice softly whisper in his ear, startling him.
Jeongguk hummed in response.
“Wanna talk or wanna stay?”
“Stay, please,” and it was enough for Yoongi to grant Jeongguk’s wish.
They remained comfortable in their positions for several minutes, until Yoongi insisted that they should talk about what happened.
“Let’s talk, Jeongguk-ah,” said Yoongi. “We need to talk.”
“Don’t want to,” Jeongguk pouted, hugging tighter onto Yoongi.
Yoongi sighed, “You know we have to.”
Jeongguk didn’t have a choice but to face Yoongi. They’re now sitting on the bed, opposing each other with both of their legs crossed.
Jeongguk was looking down, not daring to have contact with Yoongi’s eyes.
“About last night,” Yoongi began, voice in between comprehensive and sincerity. “I’m sorry if I yelled and lashed out at you.”
Yoongi stopped, anticipating an answer from Jeongguk but was left with nothing, taking it as an indication to finish his apology.
“I really didn’t mean those words, Jeongguk-ah. You’re not annoying at all. I enjoy your presence—I really enjoy having you here with me.”
Jeongguk ventured to himself not to cry, but he just couldn’t contain the tears anymore, so he let them spill.
(Yoongi watching Jeongguk cry broke his heart, and the immense guilt and regrets fell on his back.)
“I-I don’t think I can trust you after you said all of—those to me.”
Yoongi clutched Jeongguk’s wrist and his other hand lifted Jeongguk’s chin and delicately brushed Jeongguk’s tears away with his thumb.
“It breaks my heart seeing you like this, Jeongguk-ah. And it breaks me even more knowing that it was me who hurt you like this. I can’t force you to trust me again, but I’ll make it up to you and gain your trust for the second and last time.”
Yoongi moved his hand towards Jeongguk’s hair, stroking them gently upwards.
“I’m sorry, Jeongguk-ah, I really am. You mean so much to me. As my best friend and as my roommate. You’ll never be a burden to me. I don’t think I can live without you either.”
Jeongguk’s heart was beating expeditiously, and his lips were parted. Yoongi’s touch and words made Jeongguk see paradise behind his eyes. Everything that was occurring felt so surreal for him. He hurled his thoughts apart.
“Hyung, I… don’t know what to say,” stammered Jeongguk, hiccuping. “You mean so much to me, too.”
Yoongi beamed at him, “I know.”
“You know what, I take it back,” Jeongguk frowned, and Yoongi snorted.
“You still have to make it up to me, though,” Jeongguk added.
“I’ll never disappoint you,” Yoongi said before he went to the kitchen and got the banana milk he bought for Jeongguk and bestowed it to him.
He reached for his laptop and pulled Jeongguk closer beside him, inviting him to nuzzle together, covering them with a blanket in his bed to watch Your Name.
Jeongguk was very full of warmth and he had never felt very loved before.
Except, Yoongi doesn’t reciprocate the same kind of love.)
“No, of course not, hyung!” Jeongguk grins as he shakes his head, assuring the older. “Don’t worry about it, hyung. I really am just tired.”
Yoongi blinks at him and gives him a lopsided smile. “I believe you, but don’t tire yourself too much, yeah?”
“I won’t, I promise,” Jeongguk guarantees, and undoubtedly, Yoongi trusts him.
It’s implausible for Jeongguk to not cross a boundary and to not persuade himself that he still has a chance with Yoongi. Sometimes, Jeongguk can’t help but overthink the things Yoongi had done for him and they’re not so platonic if another one would observe. He tries to overlook the not so platonic moments that he and Yoongi had all the time. And it reminds him: Yoongi is straight. And last night wasn’t an exception, he was drunk. He doesn’t want to hurt himself, thus the best way to discard his feelings is for him to prevent talking to Yoongi.
So, that’s exactly what he does.
###
Yoongi knows that Jeongguk had reassured him four days ago that he didn’t do or had said anything wrong during the night Yoongi got drunk. But somehow, Jeongguk has been avoiding him for the past three days, and his stomach coils. He isn’t an idiot, he is remarkably sure that Jeongguk isn’t telling him something.
He’s done nothing the past days but thinks fiercely concerning that night. To his dismay, his foolish brain doesn’t remember anything, and ruefully, drinking too much that night was really the worst idea.
(He’ll never drink again if that’s what it takes to never lose Jeongguk.)
Every time Yoongi takes an attempt to commence a conversation, it’s either Jeongguk will stand up and leave or he’ll come up with the most stupid excuses ever like “Oh, sorry hyung, I forgot to feed Jimin hyung’s grandmother’s birds!” or “I forgot that Jimin hyung called me to talk about Tae hyung’s project!” and he blasts his way out of their apartment. Jeongguk doesn’t even dare to make eye contact with him and he’s always out of the apartment to go to Jimin’s.
It pisses him off, therefore he takes the matter into his own hands. He happens to be breaking into the cafeteria where Jimin is working at.
“Yoongi hyung?” Jimin halts in wiping the table, shocked by Yoongi’s sudden appearance. “What are you doing here at ass o’clock?”
Yoongi turns on his phone to check the time — 12:34am — and shuttles his eyes back to Jimin tensely. “Is Jeongguk avoiding me?”
“What?”
“I asked you if Jeongguk is avoiding me,” Yoongi repeats with a serious tone.
“I don’t know? Do I look like I know the answer?” Jimin deadpans, slowly going back to wiping the table.
“Technically the reason why I asked you,” Yoongi says, taking the nearest empty seat. “You’re his best friend and he tells you everything. Hence, I’m betting you know the answer.”
Jimin rolls his eyes and groans exasperatedly, finishing to wipe the table and sits on the seat in front of Yoongi.
“So?” Yoongi raises a brow.
“I genuinely don’t know, hyung,” Jimin pulls a face. “He hasn’t been telling me anything about you lately.”
“Huh,” Yoongi winces. “I don’t believe you. He tells you everything. Tell me, what did I say to him that night?”
Jimin freezes momentarily, and Yoongi snaps at him with a suspicious look.
“Look, hyung. He tells me everything, yes, but there are times he doesn’t have to necessarily tell me other things that he doesn’t want to tell. We are best friends, but we don’t cross boundaries and respect each other, too.”
Yoongi gives him an unreadable expression.
“And I don’t think I know what night you are referring to here,” Jimin comments.
“It was that night when I was drunk,” Yoongi nudges his fingers against his chin. “I don’t understand. Since that night, he’s been avoiding me, he could’ve possibly told you something.”
“In which case, he didn’t,” Jimin points out. “Are you one hundred percent sure he’s avoiding you?”
“Of course I am!” exclaims Yoongi. “I know better. I especially know it when he’s avoiding me.”
“Ooookay,” Jimin says. “That’s weird.”
And silence fills in the unloaded café. Yoongi is in his boundless pondering, narrowly trying to find a way to talk it out with Jeongguk without him getting away with it.
“Can’t you ask him about it?” Yoongi blurts.
“What? No way!” Jimin scowls and refuses without hesitation. “I’m not meddling into whatever business or affair you’re both having right now.”
Yoongi wails in irritation, face planting his head on his arms. How the hell is he supposed to talk to Jeongguk now?
A minute later, Jimin gets to his feet, “I’m going to close the cafeteria now.”
“Alright,” Yoongi straightens up, settling to leave. “Thank you, Jimin-ah.”
“No problem, hyung,” Jimin grins and swings his hand. “And good luck with Jeongguk!”
###
Yoongi is caught with dimness. He assumes it was Jeongguk who turned the light off. He switches the light on and stumbles upon Jeongguk sleeping peacefully on the couch. Yoongi walks in the direction of Jeongguk and bends his knees to equally face the younger.
He carefully observes Jeongguk—Jeongguk’s lips are partially detached, snoring mildly; his hair strands cling onto his forehead and onto his eyelids. Jeongguk looks so dreamy—
He intervenes in his thoughts and shoves them off quickly. He needs to stop being a creep.
Jeongguk hauls a bit and a pinch of panic hits Yoongi. He calms down and gently tugs Jeongguk to wake him up and Jeongguk grunts.
“Gguk-ah,” Yoongi mumbles, holding Jeongguk’s wrist. “Wake up. Let’s move you to your bed.”
Jeongguk’s eyes unconsciously flutter open and mutters a sleepy “hyung?”
“Yeah, it’s hyung,” Yoongi chortles lightly. “Let’s get you to bed. It’s uncomfortable here.”
“It’s not,” Jeongguk closes his eyes again and turns around.
Yoongi sighs, “If you don’t stand up right now, I’m gonna sleep beside you.”
Jeongguk neither moved nor said anything. Consequently, Yoongi takes it as his cue to push Jeongguk and make space for himself. The space is too little for two people but thankfully worked for the two of them.
Yoongi stares at Jeongguk’s back for a minute. “You’re awake, aren’t you?” he asks, he didn’t receive a response regardless.
“You are awake,” says Yoongi, voice too gentle. “Gguk-ah, why are you avoiding me?”
“Why are you doing this to me, Yoongi hyung?” Jeongguk whispers, a string of hurt tied in his voice.
Yoongi’s stomach drops at the mention of his name. Jeongguk never calls him by his name. That’s when he knows he fucked up big time.
“Jeongguk-ah, I—” Yoongi presses his lips on a thin line, deserted and speechless.
He sighs, uncertain if he should touch Jeongguk. He concludes not to because that’s probably the last thing that Jeongguk wants to happen.
“Can you tell hyung what he did?” Yoongi rustles, somewhat broken too.
“Maybe it’s the way you’ve been treating me,” Jeongguk murmurs, albeit his voice flowing with sadness.
“I don’t understand.”
“You wouldn’t understand me because you don’t even understand yourself.”
“Then—” Yoongi is confused, and he doesn’t know what Jeongguk meant in the least, yet he feels like he had an abyssal stab in the heart. “Then make me understand.”
“I can’t,” Jeongguk says.
(I can’t because if I do, you’ll realize my feelings for you, is what Jeongguk wanted to say. But things are better off left unsaid.)
Yoongi doesn’t compel him any further, he knows it’s for the best. His heart stings by the fact that he unintentionally hurt Jeongguk for a reason he doesn’t know nor understand.
They sleep like that: Yoongi mirroring Jeongguk’s back, keeping his hands to himself, and burning the desire to wrap his arms around Jeongguk.
(They sleep like that: Jeongguk reflecting the couch’s backrest, and silently cries himself to sleep as he craves for Yoongi’s arms wrapped around him.)
Yoongi’s eyes pile up open the next day, showing no signs of Jeongguk’s presence near him, but a blanket shrouding him for warmth. He wakes up, with a sharp excruciation deep in his heart.
###
“Alright! That’s enough! You clearly can’t get any shit done,” Namjoon exhales vexatiously, aggressively throwing himself on the sofa next to Hoseok. “What’s bothering you?”
“Thought I was the only one who noticed,” Hoseok shrugs, scrolling on his phone. “He’s pretending to write when he actually isn’t.”
“Both of you, shut up,” Yoongi flicks a glare, putting his pen down. “I don’t know what you guys are talking about.”
He definitely knows what they’re talking about. Yoongi has been doodling nonsense lyrics over his paper for a couple of hours, coming off as unfocused.
“Sure you don’t, hyung,” Hoseok says sarcastically, not supplying a glance. “Now, what’s bothering you?”
Yoongi falters, his stomach feels queasy. It all strangely feels so wrong, like something in his guts is telling him what he’s feeling is wrong—a mistake. Like—like a voice in his head is telling him he shouldn’t worry about Jeongguk that much when—when they’re just. Friends.
“I like women,” Yoongi says without thinking, surprising himself.
“Uh, we get it, you’re straight,” Namjoon sneers, firing a weird look at Yoongi. “What are you exactly trying to say here?”
Yoongi pays attention to Hoseok and Namjoon, who are somehow giving each other a succinct look that casts Yoongi puzzled. He dismisses his thoughts and omits to interrogate his friends.
“Nothing, I don’t know why I said that,” Yoongi says, candidly. And at some point, he becomes apprehensive. The queasiness in his stomach grows worse.
Namjoon and Hoseok whir in unison, signaling Yoongi to continue.
“Jeongguk has been avoiding me and he’s mad at me,” Yoongi finally confesses, however hiding the recognizable hurt in his voice in effort.
“Can you elaborate on that?” Namjoon requests.
“Do you remember the night we got wasted?” Yoongi asks, and the two of them nod. “I think I said something that night that made him upset. I couldn’t induce him to tell me.”
“Have you asked Jimin about it?” questions Hoseok, intrigued at some point.
“He said he didn’t know either—”
“Whereas he knows something regarding that night but is covering up for Jeongguk, correct?” Namjoon interjects.
“Correct, but he also said he doesn’t want to meddle in our business. He seemed sincere about it,” Yoongi blows a long sigh. “And last night, Jeongguk said—Jeongguk said it’s because of the way I’m treating him.”
Namjoon and Hoseok are both caught off guard, lending amusing faces afterwards.
“Huh,” Hoseok utters. “Then how do you treat him, hyung?”
“I treat him as my friend,” Yoongi states.
“You need to be more specific if you want to see the actual problem here,” Namjoon frowns.
Yoongi squints for a second, recalling every tiny bit of his moments with Jeongguk. Yoongi feels like he’s about to sulk because—everything seems normal to him.
“I don’t know,” Yoongi chunters. “It’s just the ordinary. I treat him as my good friend.”
Namjoon bellows, “Alright, how about you tell me how you usually spend time with each other?”
“I told you it’s just the ordinary!” Yoongi exclaims. “Like we watch movies or cook together. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“He’s hopeless.”
“Hoseok.”
“My bad, my bad.”
Namjoon clears his throat, “Anyway—how about we just break this into pieces?”
“Okay,” Yoongi ducks his head, making himself as small as possible.
“Okay aaaand what happens during your movie-watching sessions? In terms of… physical touch or affection towards each other maybe—”
“Wow, great. Totally not so blunt,” Hoseok mimics and Namjoon gives him the finger.
“You both are terrible,” Yoongi chimes. “But—”
Yoongi pauses, lowering his head, and he begins to reminisce. In terms of physical touch—
“We hug,” Yoongi concedes and nauseousness eats him up. “Sometimes.”
“Sometimes?” Namjoon asks in disbelief, and Yoongi absolutely hates how Namjoon can read through him.
“Fuck, okay, we always hug—cuddle—or whatever, happy?” Yoongi hisses at them, his throat getting cemented, and almost wants to vomit all the sickness in his stomach.
“Hyung,” it is Hoseok who speaks this time. “Do you hug or cuddle your friends?”
“We hug.”
“Rarely,” Namjoon rebukes. “Plus you never cuddled with us.”
“We’re roommates,” Yoongi leers. “And we’re good friends, I may add.”
“But most roommates don’t hug or cuddle,” Hoseok cringes, and Namjoon motions his head as a gesture of agreement.
“I don’t know where you’re getting into,” Yoongi says, his body scarcely stiff.
They fell in blistering silence. Namjoon and Hoseok catch each other’s knowing glimpses again, wherein it instantly changes with a glint of uneasiness. Yoongi goes back to scattering bullshit words on his paper.
“Hyung,” Namjoon kicks off, and Yoongi sways his head in awareness. “Do you sleep together in the same bed?”
“Sometimes,” answers Yoongi, precisely hesitant. “How does answering your questions even help me with my problem?”
“You’ll get it,” Namjoon muses. “So, do you guys like… hug each other while you sleep?”
Yoongi’s blood runs cold for a brief moment and his face paints a crimson red. Yoongi is perplexed, not knowing why the image of him and Jeongguk lying together in bed patches his stomach with a baffling kind of repulsion.
“I—” Yoongi tries to say, the words are lodged against his throat.
“You okay?” Namjoon strikes his concerned gaze at Yoongi.
“Yeah, I’m fine, sorry,” Yoongi manages to voice out, pushing his odd feelings and thoughts aside. “We… do hug each other while sleeping… often.”
“Often, huh?”
“Jackpot,” Hoseok clicks his tongue. “There you have it, hyung.”
“What?” Yoongi winces, lounging back in his swivel chair. “I don’t get it.”
“Why are you so dense?” Namjoon groans, banging the back of his head upon the backrest. “Hyung, you’re straight!”
“Okay, and?” Yoongi stuns nonchalantly.
“And why are you as a straight man cuddling and sleeping together in the same bed with a gay man?”
Yoongi opens his mouth and conversely shuts it. A massive wave of realization crashes onto him in the span of sixty seconds. Oh. Oh, shit. So, that’s why he’s been feeling uncanny around Jeongguk lately. So, that’s why when Jeongguk came out to him, he feared for someone taking Jeongguk away from him. So, that’s why he yearns to live with Jeongguk forever, not just as a roommate but—
He’s attracted to Jeongguk. He likes Jeongguk. And—and Jeongguk likes him back, all this time thinking Yoongi is giving him mixed signals—
“Oh, thank the heavens above he finally realized. Thanks, Joon—”
“Shit,” Yoongi curses and freaks out, nearly getting on his feet. “Fuck. I need to go.”
“Sit,” Namjoon death stares at Yoongi. “Sit, hyung. Don’t do something stupid.”
“But—”
“Don’t rush it, hyung, or I swear to whoever God exists above,” Namjoon menaces. “You gotta think before you act.”
Yoongi bides in quietness, driving himself to chill as he could. All this time he spent with Jeongguk, without realizing it, he lacked so much interest in other people and things for the sole reason that he wanted to prioritize Jeongguk and stay with him no matter how long Jeongguk wanted it to take. All this time he wasted fixating on taking care of Jeongguk and entirely neglecting the feelings he had been feeling towards him for these past months.
All this time—he could’ve discovered more of it, more of him. Yet, he chose to be lax and ignores the situation that he himself isn’t mindful that he is stuck in.
“Don’t beat yourself much over it,” Hoseok says. “Everything will be fine as long as you think about your decisions thoroughly and don’t fuck things up.”
“Thanks,” Yoongi scoffs. “That’s not so reassuring, by the way.”
“You’re welcome, you need it,” Hoseok mocks a smile.
“Well, fuck.”
“Welcome to the club of gay awakenings, I guess,” Namjoon signs a weak thumbs up. “But I’m serious, hyung. You need to get your shit together.”
“I’m trying—”
“Hyung, I think you hardly know what I mean. This is not just something you’ll take your careless actions with. If you want things to work out with Jeongguk, you have to confirm your own feelings.”
“I—”
“Ask yourself these: do you really like Jeongguk and you’re ready to commit to a relationship or try things out with him? Or you’re just touch-starved because it’s been like, what, a year or two since you last tried dating someone?”
Yoongi gapes at Namjoon. Well, he surely has a lot to learn. But his heart nevertheless doesn’t fail him—his heart seeks and screams only for Jeongguk. And he’s ready to commit and risk anything for him. He wants to give Jeongguk everything and spoil him.
Yoongi tells them accurately that, gaining disgusting looks from them. They talk about other stuff to distract Yoongi and soon afterwards in the evening, Namjoon and Hoseok leave Yoongi’s studio to give Yoongi peace of mind and wish him the best of luck.
Yoongi disregards producing and writing. He dwells in the void of his mind that night, avoiding his productivity. He figures—he has a lot to explore in the matter of his sexuality, yes, but he remembers what Hoseok told him (“You don’t have to label yourself if you’re not ready for that, hyung. Follow what your heart wants.”) and he feels somewhat better for himself. He figures—going fast or slow pace doesn’t matter to him, he considers whichever Jeongguk prefers.
Yoongi is bad at communicating too (he facepalms as he retrieves his thoughts), he has never kept a relationship long and the main reason for each break up he had is the lack of communication between both parties. He reminds himself to always—always communicate with Jeongguk even if it’s one of his weaknesses and difficult for him to do so.
Besides, he thinks of everything both as a heads-up and a piece of advice. He’s grateful that he has his friends to guide him. His head spins dizzily, his body went slack and he is brought into the hole in the absence of light.
###
“You’re seriously going to move apartments?” Jimin asks, bewildered, taking a sip from his coffee.
“It’s the only way to stop hurting myself,” Jeongguk impels a fake smile. “It’s not like Yoongi hyung cares, anyway.”
“Jeongguk, he incredibly cares for you and it makes me sick,” Jimin emphasizes, furrowing his brows.
“You don’t know that.”
“You don’t know that,” Jimin contradicts, and Jeongguk immediately knew something is up.
“What do you know?” Jeongguk quirks his eyebrows.
Jimin’s lips curl into a smile and he stirs his coffee with the teaspoon, “Oh, I don’t know. Hypothetically, how would you react if I tell you Yoongi hypothetically breaks into this stupid café in the middle of the night, last night, only to ask me if you’re avoiding him or not because he wants to fix whatever is happening between you?”
Jeongguk is dumbstruck, “You can’t be serious.”
Jimin bats him an eye. Oh, dear, he is serious.
Jeongguk gawks at him, flabbergasted, “What did you tell him?”
“I’m a good friend, Jeongguk-ah,” Jimin smirks. “Of course, I told him you’re in love with him.”
“HYUNG!”
“I’m kidding,” Jimin laughs. “I told him you haven’t told me anything, don’t worry too much.”
Jeongguk hums in acknowledgement, a frowning face etched on his face. Last night. He recalls what happened last night.
Connecting the dots, Jeongguk’s eyes widen, “Did you just say he came here last night?”
“Um, yeah?” Jimin says, more of a question than an answer.
“Hyung, last night, he—” Jeongguk compresses his lips. “He asked me what did he do and I told him it’s the way he’s been treating me and—and he said he doesn’t understand.”
“Then?”
“Then I said he wouldn’t understand because he can’t even understand himself.”
“Jesus,” Jimin staggers. “What kind of drama am I watching right now?”
Jeongguk rolls his eyes, and grouches, “Oh, shut up, hyung.”
“Joking. Please proceed,” Jimin says as he leans forward, slouching and resting the surface of his hand on his chin.
“He told me to make him understand,” Jeongguk says inaudibly. “And that’s it. I didn’t answer him and we fell asleep on the couch.”
“You what,” Jimin ventures with a poker face. “Unbelievable. You guys are in a lovers’ quarrel and still sleeping together on a couch with a small space? Unbelievable!”
“We’re not in a lovers’ quarrel!”
“Congrats for missing my point,” Jimin claps. “That man is not straight and is obviously hopelessly in love with you as much as you are with him, I’m telling you.”
“I’m gonna start packing my things later,” Jeongguk drifts the topic to a new one. “Just to be ready. I’ll have to search for an available apartment near my uni.”
“Jeongguk, I really think you should talk to Yoongi first,” says Jimin earnestly, eyes droopy.
Jeongguk, on second thought, contemplates. He feels remorse, air rooted in his lungs.
“You’re right,” he says. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t not thinking straight. I should really get my feelings behind for a second.”
“Gguk,” Jimin frets. “Your feelings are valid no matter what. You can put them behind for the decisions you make that concern your special person, yes, but despite that, your feelings can never be invalidated.”
“I know,” Jeongguk half-smiles, diminishing himself in his seat. “Sometimes I just wish that Yoongi would love me back. Maybe if he did, all of this wouldn’t be happening.”
Jimin fronts him with a sympathetic look and Jeongguk feels more or less empty.
###
Yoongi senselessly flaps his eyelids and his pupils are blown wide. He rises from his chair in horror that he is still in his studio. He hefts his phone and turns it on—1:26am.
“Fuck!” Yoongi hollers, rushing to pick up his bag, wears his coat, and shuts his studio door harshly.
Yoongi pays the taxi driver and sprints to their apartment. This is what he mostly hates about himself: oversleeping and forgetting. It’s not a habit, not really, but it happens on some occasions. This time, he hates himself ten times more, considering the fact that it’s Jeongguk he’s worried about. His keys are tangling between the doorknob, his hands are trembling obscurely.
He opens the door languidly and is welcomed with deafening silence. He removes his shoes and places them on the shoe rack. He gulps, and bullets of sweat are dripping from his forehead. His palms are cold and tormented.
“Get your shit together, Yoongi,” he cusses to himself as he finds himself standing solemnly in front of Jeongguk’s door.
He knocks, once, twice—and the door smoothly and half opens. Jeongguk rigidly stands there with big doe eyes staring at Yoongi curiously. Yoongi’s eyes travel from Jeongguk’s head to toe, and his gaze roams behind Jeongguk—his room is messy, bed full of clothes and—is that a suitcase?
“Jeongguk, what—what are you doing?” Yoongi asks breathily, voice cracking and quivering. He feels like he’s on the verge of tears.
“Hyung, I—”
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi eventually bursts into tears, unexpectedly firmly enfolding his arms around Jeongguk’s waist, and his chin resting on top of the younger’s shoulder with his eyes closed. “Jeongguk-ah, I’m sorry. Hyung is sorry. Please, don’t leave me.”
“I’m—”
“Jeongguk-ah, I like you. I like you so, so, so much,” Yoongi fares, sobbing and sniffing heavily, feeling Jeongguk’s hands leisurely hinging on his hips. “I’m sorry—I realized it too late. Stay with me, please. Let’s talk about this, Jeongguk-ah. Please.”
“Hyung,” Jeongguk airily giggles in Yoongi’s ear. “I’m not leaving you. I’m just fixing my clothes because my closet is messy. And I’m going to give the other clothes that I don’t use anymore to my cousin, remember?”
“Oh,” Yoongi blinks, dazed; his body slowly pulling away but his hands steadily linger on Jeongguk’s waist.
“Yeah, hyung,” Jeongguk is beaming from ear to ear, cheeks almost hurting as he stares at Yoongi, whose face is wet from tears. “But we really need to talk about this.”
“Oh, right—yeah, of course. Of course,” Yoongi stutters, his head moving up and down briskly.
“Yeah, there’s a lot to unpack here,” says Jeongguk.
Jeongguk brings his hand up to Yoongi’s cheek and caresses it tenderly. Yoongi’s heart is beating fast, his breath taken away and he hopes that Jeongguk won’t notice and hear his loud heartbeats. Jeongguk is close, so close that he could see the beautiful scar on his cheek that blends well with his charms. Yoongi stares at Jeongguk’s gleaming eyes, and his eyes shift to the younger’s pinkish kissable lips. The mole under Jeongguk’s lip is one of Yoongi’s favorite things about Jeongguk, and it feels surreal to see it up close. The urge to kiss him is strong, he wants to feel Jeongguk’s lips on his.
This is what feels right—everything with Jeongguk just feels so, very right.
“Kiss me,” Yoongi says, visibly wrecked already.
So, Jeongguk does what Yoongi asked.
He drags Yoongi sturdily closer to him and crashes his lips onto his. Yoongi lets out a tiny gasp before he closes his eyes and kisses back. It starts out slow, Jeongguk tugging Yoongi by the collar of his coat and at the same time, he heaves Yoongi inside his room and slams the door shut. Then it becomes a little heated, the sound of their lips smacking each other surrounds the room, and Yoongi straddles Jeongguk on his lap as he sits on the bed.
“Fuck,” Yoongi curses, his voice utterly ruined, the moment he pushes Jeongguk away to catch his breath. “I—I need to remove my coat, it’s hot.”
Jeongguk catches Yoongi’s lips again, hustling to remove Yoongi’s coat. He slings Yoongi’s coat on the side of the bed and latches his hands onto Yoongi’s buff arms. A small whimper slips out of Jeongguk’s throat, and Yoongi internally bursts in pride. Yoongi kisses him harder, his left hand squeezing Jeongguk’s waist, and his right hand yanks Jeongguk’s hair and soothes it. They make out like there’s no tomorrow, not letting go of each other, drawn to each other tightly. The rows of Jeongguk’s whines and whimpers mixed with Yoongi’s low groans echo in both their ears. Yoongi is the one who breaks the kiss first, Jeongguk heavily panting against the short distance between Yoongi’s mouth and his.
“That was some kind of talk,” Yoongi jests, and Jeongguk thumps his shoulder as he sinks on Yoongi’s neck, laughing in contentment.
“I think I like you, Min Yoongi,” Jeongguk murmurs over Yoongi’s neck, closing his eyes and leaning forward.
“Yeah?” Yoongi chuckles, possessively grasping Jeongguk’s limbs. “I think I like you more, Jeon Jeongguk.”
And Jeongguk thinks—right in Yoongi’s arms—maybe, this is the beginning of forever.