Work Text:
Madara had been looking forward to this meeting all month. He even had a colour coded binder, with a Masterplan. Which meant he and his team were going to ace this city council budget meeting.
He never even got to use his incredible plan however. The city council instead announced that their government was broke and that two state auditors had been sent to the town to look at the budgets.
After the meeting, Madara made his way to his cousin Hikaku’s office to discuss strategy. His cousin was however not willing to engage.
“Madara, they were sent by the governor. They outrank us all, there is no point in fighting.”
“You’re right, I am not gonna fight them… except that I am!” Madara declared dramatically and stormed off, leaving his cousin behind who was by now used to his theatrical exits, and just went back to work.
...
A few hours later, the parks team was gathered in the cubical area of their department and awaited the arrival of the auditors.
Some more eager than others.
“I hope they are going to fire people. I have a list of people I want to get rid of,” Touka said slightly hopeful.
Slightly suspicious Izuna dared to ask, “Am I on that list?” but Touka just smirked as an answer and went back to filing her nails.
Before Madara could admonish his two colleagues for grossly flirting at their workplace, the door opened.
“Hello, hello!” greeted the first man with a beaming smile, “I am Senju Hashirama, and this is my brother and colleague Senju Tobirama.”
Madara straightened and offered his hand “Uchiha Madara, hello.”
Izuna stepped forward and introduced himself quickly before asking, “Would you gentlemen like a tour?”
“There is literally nothing I would enjoy more than a tour of the parks department of the great city of Konoha lead by Uchiha Madara and Izuna!” announced Hashirama while smiling somehow even wider.
His brother Tobirama cleared his throat and calmly said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
...
After completely ignoring his brother and being lead around the parks department the group gathered back together.
Hashirama stepped forward, “So, were from the state auditing department, uuuuh scary” completely with jazz hands “but what does that mean? Simply, we here to review your budget. Think of your government as broken-down carousel, we’re here to slap on some new paint and get those kids back on the happy horses where they belong. Ok?”
Madara, Izuna and Hikaku nodded, starting to relax a bit. Touka, who had quickly judged Hashirama beneath her notice, ignored him completely.
“Alright! Well, my partner Tobirama is going to stick around a little longer and I will see you guys later.” Hashirama waved and literally skipped out of the door.
Tobirama, who had said almost nothing at this point, turned to Madara. “So, I’d like to talk about where you think there is waste in your department, including personnel wise.”
Taken aback by the sudden change of atmosphere Madara answered, “There is none!”, pointedly ignoring Touka snorting in the background.
“How much exactly will you be cutting?” interjected Hikaku (nervously), followed by Touka “and can I watch you do it?” (gleefully).
Tobirama looked at Hikaku, “You need to understand, to keep this town afloat we’re probably going to have to cut every department down by 40%.”
“But Hashirama said that you just had to, you know, tinker with things!” said Madara indignantly.
“He said that”, Tobirama said sardonically “because it sounds better than we’re going to gut it with a machete.”
Touka giggled in delight at that metaphor.
“You’re a jerk!” yelled Madara, unable to hold back his feelings. “These are real people, in a real town, working in a building with real feelings.”
“This building has feelings?” asked Tobirama dryly.
Not pausing for a second, Madara argued, “Maybe! There is lot of history in this building so maybe it does. How can you be so blasé about this?!”
“Because I didn’t cause these problems. Your government did”, Tobirama sighed annoyed and gathered his bag “I will get what I need from your spreadsheets.”
Touka watched him leave before asking no one in particular “What’s a gay way to ask him to go camping with me?”
...
After work, the parks gang congregated to the bar to drown their sorrows.
Izuna and Madara where well into being shit-faced after losing a drinking game to Touka. Hikaku, who had learned the first time that drinking with Touka was deadly, had volunteered to be the designated driver.
Madara stopped his drunk ramblings mid-sentence and pointed to the bar, “Oh my god, Tobirama the jerk is here.”
Tobirama also seemed to have spotted them and started walking over.
Izuna clutched Madara’s arm and slurred, “listen, be professional.”
When Tobirama arrived, he tactfully ignored that Madara offered him his hand to kiss, and said, “Look, I feel like we got off on the wrong foot and I just-“
“Yeah, well save your breath because this is a party with all my friends, and you want to fire all my friends. Plus, I just talked to everyone in this bar, and nobody wants you here”, declared Madara drunkenly.
“I guess I just see you tomorrow then”, replied Tobirama tiredly and left to Madara shouting “get out of here!” at his back.
Izuna took back Madara’s arm and slurred seriously, “Madara, that was so professional. I am so proud of you.”
...
The next day at the office, Madara was hungover as hell, which did not help with swallowing his pride. But he made his way to the Senju office and was greeted by Hashirama.
“Madara, welcome! Come in, come in.”
Looking at his desk, Madara commented, “Wow, you have a lot of plants.”
Hashirama beamed, “Yes, all organically grown herbs. I take care of my body above all else! Exercise, herbs, and positive thinking”, he paused before continuing seriously, “Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.”
Not knowing how to react to that information, Madara said, “Right. I am here to speak to Tobirama actually.”
Smiling again, Hashirama gave him a thumbs up, “I am gonna listen to some forest sounds and do some sit-ups.” Then he put on his headphones and went down on the floor.
Madara meanwhile took a seat at Tobirama’s desk, who barely glanced up.
“I wanted to apologize for yesterday.”
“Don’t worry about it”, the albino replied, still not looking up.
“I was just worked up”, explained Madara “and you represent a threat to my department.”
Tobirama paused writing and said clearly annoyed, “I didn’t do anything to make your department end up in this situation, your city council did.”
Now Madara was back to being angry. Which to be fair was one of his standard settings.
“I don’t appreciate your cold attitude. You may hold my fate in your hands, but I still think you’re an ass!”
“You wanna get a beer?
”What. “What?”
Tobirama evenly said, “You seem like you could use a beer.”
To confused to disagree, Madara followed him quietly.
...
“God that tastes good”, Madara said after downing half his beer. Hair of the dog had not been a bad idea.
Tobirama smiled slightly, “How’s your head?”
“Mushy”, answered Madara honestly, before wincing, “I am sorry I yelled at you. Three times. But I don’t think you know anything about my department. Have you ever been part of a government body before?”
“I have, yeah”, answered Tobirama, “of a small Village called Hachō.”
Madara frowned, “Why does that sound familiar?”
Tobirama groaned, “When I was 18, I ran for Mayor of my village and won. Here’s the thing about 18-year-olds though, they are idiots. I ran the village into the ground after two months and was impeached.”
“Oh my god that was you! Tobi Senju – I was so jealous of you!”
“Don’t be”, Tobirama said, “It kind of ruined our family reputation. That’s why we are balancing budgets, to show people we are responsible so Hashi can run for office someday. Don’t you also want to do that?”
Madara nodded, he had thought about it before.
Tobirama smiled sadly, “Then you are going to have to get used to making some tough decisions.”
...
“This plan reduces our over-all budget by 35% and it contains many practical, deep cuts in many of our services”, finished Madara, and was pleased to see that Tobirama looked impressed with his plan.
“Wow Madara, this is amazing”, Hashirama said, “it is unfortunately a moot point.”
“What?”
“Our investigation has revealed that things in Konoha are much worse than we anticipated. Effective tomorrow morning the entire government will be shut down until further notice.”
“WHAT?”