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Evan Hansen didn’t know where his deep sadness came from. It may have been something he was born with, or something that stemmed from the fact that his father left him and his mother.
But when he realized that the days just went on and on without anything that exited him, when they days went on and on and he find it harder to talk to anyone, when the days went on and on and he can’t even hold a conversation with his own mother…
In his head… it’s not really that bad, but when people look at you like you’re a disappointment, like you’re an alien… it’s hard to still think so positively about oneself.
It even got somewhat worse when his mother took him to be diagnosed. He got medicine, got therapy, got new coping mechanisms.
And yet-
The days still went on and on and on and on-
He and his mother moved to the countryside after his father left.
They sold their old house and most of their belongings just to buy a smaller and what his mom hoped was a more homely house atmosphere.
Evan didn’t really feel that ‘homely atmosphere’. His mother was always going way for work, anyway, always looking for ways to earn more money to support her family.
Evan honestly have felt guilty for wasting their money on his medicine and therapy sessions that are barely doing anything for him. He even felt guilt for using her hard-earned money for school that he barely even feels the need to attend.
Honestly, why she thought school would do him any good was lost in him. School was just a reminder that Evan can never be ‘normal’. He rolls his eyes every time he even thinks of the word ‘normal’ since that really has too many definitions that doesn’t always match up.
Besides, being ‘normal’ isn’t even supposed to be a norm now, but people in the school have always known Evan since he was young, so he was still left out despite this new, modern world they live in.
Sometimes, when it was too much, Evan would sneak back home and spend time at his backyard. ‘His’ doesn’t really cut it since they don’t technically have a backyard. It’s just that their house is next to a forest. However, this one tree, the tallest of all, was left alone too by its fellow trees. Even the ground where it grows is devoid of grass or any sign of life.
It almost seems like the tree was destined to be alone too. Just like Evan.
It’s a cliché and childish train of thought, but he’s wondered and looked up to this tree since he was young. It was understandable, really.
His mom didn’t even see it weird that he spends more time under the tree with a book or his laptop. But then again, it may have been better than Evan locking himself up in his room.
Evan Hansen also doesn’t know what pushed him to this decision. That decision being to jump off from the top of the tree.
People always say that there’s always a reason for why people do things, that’s why Evan hesitates the first time he went up. He doesn’t… know what’s happening inside him or around him that’s pushing him to this decision, and he’s scared of being called a coward, so he backs down.
(He absolutely, completely ignores the empty but heavy feeling in his chest.) (It’s not a reason for death, is it?)
Years go by, he starts high school, and still, nothing changes aside the ever-growing emptiness in his chest.
He hasn’t even considered self-harm despite the urge to slash open his chest and find out how empty he really is. For now, those thoughts stay in his head.
Imagine his surprise when he sees another boy beneath the tall tree one day. He looks lost too, staring up the tree with a blank expression on his face.
Evan loathes interacting with new people, so he turns back to his house, but the other boy already calls him out.
“Hey!”
As much as Evan loathes conversation, he’s not rude enough to ignore people. He flinches, slowly turning around and approaching the boy, his gaze on the ground as he walks.
The other boy doesn’t seem to mind though, continuing to speak.
“You own this tree?” The boy says, and Evan sees on his peripheral the boy pointing to the tree.
Own it? No one owns a tree…?
“No one… owns it.”
“But it’s in your backyard.”
“Our backyard is a forest, so…”
The boy somehow finds that funny and laughs, clutching his stomach as he throws his head back.
“You’re a weird one.”
“Well, that’s not really new…”
“I’m Connor, and you?”
“Evan.”
Connor Murphy is apparently their new neighbor. He and his family just moved in a few days ago, but since Evan doesn’t really care about what happens to his neighborhood, he never even noticed.
The next day, Connor shows up in Evan’s classroom as a transfer student.
It honestly makes sense that the two loners in the classroom are friends. They’re not being bullied, just ignored, so all it well.
And what do two loners do or talk about? Anything, really. Their likes and dislikes, the people that pisses them off (subtly, in Evan’s opinion because he’s not mean), the things they wanted to do in the future…
It's… new, to think about the future. Evan has always been focused on the present, just generally trying to make it day by day, trying to wake up the next morning, trying not to drink a bottle of isopropyl alcohol at night and dying right there.
… Evan became dependent on Connor for happiness. In the two years they’ve been friends, Evan can’t see himself as alone now, always waiting for Connor’s chat, text, email, whatever.
He's just… there for Connor.
And he doesn’t know how he honestly lived without him.
He knows it’s getting unhealthy at this point, but he tried distancing himself once, and Connor came to his house, furious that he was being ignored.
Evan, too, was somewhat angry at himself for even thinking of not talking to Connor, so their friendship returned.
It’s fine, though, right? It’s not like anything is going to happen to both of them. They promised to stick until college, even after that! The wanted to travel the world together, they’re even going to sail the oceans!
So, why is it that Evan sees Connor in his room with a cutter in his hand, digging it into his wrist while looking so unbothered about it?
It dawned on Evan that Connor must be suffering more than him. Surely, that’s what it means if the person self-harms and indulges on drugs, right?
His head was swimming with thoughts of Connor leaving… and Evan finds that disturbing, finds it that he might also lose himself if Connor leaves.
What else was Evan supposed to do?
He’s been aware of something else blooming in his chest, something he realized were feelings for his friend. It’s scary, but it also sounds so natural to him. He never admitted those feelings, however, because there’s still a chance that Connor might think Evan disgusting, and leave…
But now, with recent events… what else was Evan supposed to do?
“If you die now,” Evan whispers against Connor’s lips, his hands cradling Connor’s face. “I’ll follow you.”
Evan was hoping that it would be enough of a threat, would hope that it scares Connor not to take his own life, because Evan knows that Connor doesn’t want Evan to die too.
It’s manipulation. It’s guilt tripping.
But Evan is desperate as he presses another kiss to Connor.
The opposite happens, however. Instead of Connor pleading, begging, telling Evan that he won’t take his own life anymore, Connor smiles.
“Maybe we should both die, then.” Evan freezes, but Connor continues kissing him despite the tears on his face.
When the sun rises, the two find themselves under the tallest tree in their neighborhood. One by one, they climb up the tree until the branches are thin and the trunk isn’t as thick anymore.
Evan looks down and sees how far above they are, and gulps down his fear. His hand finds Connor’s, and they both look at each other, letting the early rays of sunrise to shine on each other’s faces.
There were no words exchanged, no kisses given, only the feeling of their hands together as they tilt to the side and let gravity take their bodies.