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“I told you to stop!”
The voice cutting through the air almost like a blade is a child’s, belongs to a boy who’s around six years old. He’s small, has long, brown hair, and is very well known as the richest kid in the entire neighborhood.
“What do you want?” one of the other boys asks, spitting into his direction, but the boy never moves, stretching out his arms.
“I’m asking you to stop bullying him! That’s unfair! Leave him alone already! Or else I’ll tell my parents! And they’re…! They’re both lawyers! They’ll land you in prison for years!”
Of course, a child at the age of six wouldn’t know that bullying another kid when you’re a kid yourself won’t exactly land you in prison; but especially because of this, it’s incredibly effective on the other kids.
The bullies look at each other, and there’s clear panic in her eyes. Besides, some of them have already gotten beaten up by the rich boy, and even though they’re clearly more than him and the boy that he’s shielding, they don’t want to risk it. Every time that happened, the boy’s parents showed up at their houses, and would shout at their parents for a long time, so by now, they’ve most certainly learned not to beat him up anymore.
No one would want to beat up the lawyers’ pretty ‘princess’, after all.
So, after exchanging glances, they eventually flee the scene, running faster than they ever have.
The boy exhales a sigh of relief, and turns around to the one he saved.
As always, he’s wearing a black hoodie with dirt on its sleeves, way too big jeans, and worn out, red trainers. He’s seen him around several times, but he must still kind of be new here if he doesn’t know who he can upset and who he should leave alone.
“Hi!” he says, leaning down to the boy who is significantly smaller and scrawnier than him. He wonders if he’s eating enough.
There are bandages on the left side of his face, and a bit of purple, blue, and green shimmering below them. He has bruises, doesn’t he?
“Are you okay?”
The boy nods, staring back up at him with a big, almost black eye, his mouth gaping open, his cheeks slightly flushed – probably because he’s scared, the lawyers’ son thinks.
Since he doesn’t receive an answer, he just shrugs, reaching out his hand.
The boy takes it.
“My name is Xie Lian! Do you want to come home with me?”
*
When Xie Lian grabs his notebook out of his schoolbag, he already realizes that something is off.
This isn’t his English notebook. This is mathematics.
With a sigh, he puts it right back into his bag.
In the morning, he had been way too late for school because he struggled to get up, and in the end, he had to pack his bag on high-speed, and apparently reached for the wrong notebook. Seriously, is there anyone in the world who could be as unlucky as him? He should have gotten up after his first alarm, not thirty minutes past his third. If only getting up wasn’t so hard, and if only his body didn’t feel like lead every single morning. He’s sure that’d improve his life a lot.
Not that he’s complaining, no. He’s doing decently at school, and he has a friend or two, or three maybe even, his teachers don’t really have an opinion on him, so really, he doesn’t want to complain anymore.
There’s no reason for him to feel this way, after all.
That very moment, the door opens, and his math teacher steps into the room, walking straight towards her desk.
“I hope you’ve all done your cumulative probability homework as I’ve told you to. Please compare it yourself. Shi Qingxuan, you’re the representative, aren’t you? You act as the teacher for the time being. I have some business to take care of. I’ll be back in roughly fifteen minutes. If there are questions left, just ask me.”
Xie Lian is just fine with Ling Wen, even when she’s a bit cold. She never comments on anything he does, except when he’s done well. Other teachers try to meddle with his business, ask him how he’s feeling this particular day, or try to talk to him when he’s being picked on by the others again, or even tell him off for wearing long sleeves in summer, like that’s any of their business to begin with.
But Ling Wen, she just wants him to do his math correctly, and that, he can do.
“Of course! Will do, Miss!” Shi Qingxuan exclaims, even getting up from her place next to Xie Lian. She’s probably his best friend at this point.
At one point, she just picked him off the school hallways after he was picking up all his papers because he had once more dropped his bag. It seemed like she was really just looking for an excuse to talk to him, and if he’s being honest, he had been kind of the same. He’s always admired her for just wearing whatever she wants to wear without any shame, ever since he’s known her, whereas he still struggles with putting on a white button up from the men’s section.
He’d be lying if he said Shi Qingxuan didn’t help him with this, though. She went shopping with him, even explained the entire affair to his parents again, managed to make them understand why he wants these clothes and why he’s been begging them to go to therapy so he can at least start hormone treatment.
He’ll forever be in her debt for that.
Today, she’s just wearing a white summer dress with white sandals and several bracelets that are way over the top, in his opinion. Or well, they do suit her, but he wouldn’t ever be able to wear those, if he was being honest.
Once Ling Wen is out of the room, everyone seemingly decides that it doesn’t matter anymore now, and that they don’t actually have to do their task. Of course, Shi Qingxuan isn’t an exception from that.
“Lian! You look depressed, what’s going on!”
“I have depression,” he answers, and she only hits him with her fist. He can’t help but grin, even though his entire body just kind of feels heavy. She always does manage to cheer him up just a little. Or well, at least enough to make every day bearable if it doesn’t feel like it.
“I know, I know,” she says, patting his back a few times, then staring him up and down. “But like, you also look kind of panicked, so? Did something specifically happen? Did you have a tinder date, and not tell me about it, perhaps?”
“I don’t have tinder!” he hisses immediately, glaring at her, and is met with a smirk, then lets out a sigh. “I forgot my math notebook. Which is just unfortunate, and for some reason, it feels like the end of the world.”
She laughs again, and hits his back, then grabs her own notebook to slap that onto the table right in front of him.
“Well. Here you go. You have fifteen minutes, so you better hurry! You can copy stuff, and please correct mine, while I’m at it! That’ll take your mind off things, too! You know I’m always here, right? Not just the other way around, right?”
It’s a question she asks him almost daily; and that he always answers with yes, but it’s not like he ever agrees for her to actually help talk him through things. Even if it’s just distraction, he tends to feel too bad to rely on people. But he appreciates the offer, nonetheless.
“Yeah. Don’t worry about me, okay?”
-
Xie Lian is just about done with his homework for the second time when the door opens again and Ling Wen steps back inside, but she doesn’t remain the only one.
There’s a boy behind her who must be around their age; long, black hair that falls over his shoulders very smoothly, he’s wearing a tight, red t-shirt (that Xie Lian would love to wear if his dysphoria didn’t tell him that’s impossible), a black leather jacket, and very tight black skinny jeans. As well as the ugliest red shoes Xie Lian has ever seen, but they don’t really take away from the rest of what this guy has to offer.
He looks good, has a fine nose and clear, almost black eyes, and something inside of Xie Lian thinks that he looks just a tiny bit familiar, but there’s no way he’s seen this guy before, actually.
“So, introduce yourself. These are your new classmates.”
The boy nods at her, a smile on his lips that Xie Lian only really notices once he’s stopped staring at whatever this guy’s eyes have going on that make them impossible to look away from.
“My name is San Lang. I’m sixteen years old, and just moved here. I’m very pleased to meet you. Where may I sit down?”
Before Xie Lian even really knows what’s happening, Ling Wen has already gestured at his seat, and San Lang is walking over to him with his stupid red shoes and stupid eyes, and sits down on his other side.
It feels a bit like his heart stops, for some reason, and when the guy’s leg brushes his for the shortest second while putting his rucksack below the table, he notices how absolutely warm it feels.
“Hello,” the guy says again, and before Xie Lian can react, Shi Qingxuan is already reaching out for the guy’s hand.
“Hi! I’m Shi Qingxuan! It’s nice to meet you! Come on, come on, introduce yourself too! Wanna hang out after school with us? We’re very cool! We can like, show you around town and everything!”
She bumps her fist into Xie Lian’s side, who barely even feels that pain, then manages to get himself to look at the guy from close up.
Needless to say, he’s good-looking. One of his eyes is covered a little in strands, there are earrings dangling down his ears, and he’s wearing a necklace; it has a small rainbow dangling down.
Oh.
Xie Lian swallows. That’s why Shi Qingxuan is immediately trying to make friends with him.
He’s never understood how people can be that open about these things. Hell, it took him half an infinity to even come to terms with himself being trans, even though he didn’t particularly care about Shi Qingxuan. If anything, he admired her.
But this guy… he’s wearing that rainbow necklace right around his neck, for everyone to see, and Xie Lian wonders how he can be so very chill about it.
“I’m San Lang, like I said. I don’t mind hanging out with you later, I’m free. May I ask your name?”
There’s something about his expression that sets Xie Lian off, something so kind and yet… sneaky? Something so… insincere? And yet, his heart flutters just a bit and he takes the guys hand to shake it just like Shi Qingxuan had before.
“I- my name is Xie Lian. Nice to meet you,” he manages to stutter out, and he can’t help but think that something about the way this guy talks, he knows.
*
Later in the afternoon, they are indeed out in town together. It’s not a large town by any means, nothing compared to the city that he grew up in. They moved here when his grandparents died and they inherited their house. Surprisingly, his parents still find enough clients around here to get around money-wise, even though they are significantly poorer than before.
Xie Lian, however, doesn’t really mind that. This town is quiet, and it’s just what he needed. No one here knew him. He was able to have a completely new start here, and no one even really suspected much, except for Shi Qingxuan. He passed because while he might have long hair, he immediately introduced himself as a guy. His face hadn’t ever been really feminine, and with just a bit of makeup tutorials on YouTube, he managed well enough.
Of course he hasn’t gotten too much better ever since living here. But at least he thinks that he doesn’t want to die anymore, which must be worth quite a lot. And he’s made friends with Shi Qingxuan.
“Do you like ice cream, San Lang?” Shi Qingxuan asks the boy who’s walking between Xie Lian and herself, his leather jacket now tied around his waist ever since the sun had come out. The air smells of spring and warmth.
Xie Lian doesn’t take off his pullover.
“Sure. If he’s fine with it also,” he answers, and that’s when Xie Lian actively realizes that he hasn’t really been saying much to begin with, mainly lost in his own thoughts, and also kind of lost because he keeps staring at this San Lang, and his broad, yet not too broad shoulders, the way one of his eyes looks a bit different from the other until he’s pretty much sure it’s a glass eye. He must have lost it at one point. He’s not going to ask.
“Oh, yeah, sure!” Xie Lian says, and for some reason, his voice comes out a lot lighter and easier than he thought it would. It’s probably the sun. Something about this feels nice. “I can show you the best flavours, even!”
Something about the way San Lang smiles at that really makes it all worth it.
“Hey, San Lang, can I ask you something?” Shi Qingxuan suddenly blurts out as she’s already turning around the corner to go downtown to where the small ice café is that sure, is only small town sized, but has the best ice cream Xie Lian knows. Nothing in the city was able to compare.
“Go ahead,” the boy answers, and Xie Lian feels him looking at him again, and doesn’t really know what to make of it.
“The rainbow necklace. Any particular reason for it?”
“I’m gay,” San Lang says instantly, “very much so. I suppose you’re not exactly straight either, right?”
“Nah, nah,” Shi Qingxuan immediately says, letting out a laugh, “no way in hell am I straight. Couldn’t care less about gender, although- wait. Xie Lian, you’re not straight, are you? I’ve never actually asked, but surely you’re not…?”
That makes his heart stop. Of course Shi Qingxuan is only joking around a bit, but she has indeed never asked, and Xie Lian himself hasn’t ever really questioned it. The only thing he knows is that he’s never had a crush (...probably), but he can very well imagine himself to be in a relationship, so he’s not aromantic. Further than that? He has no idea.
Is he gay? He looks at both San Lang and Shi Qingxuan and since Shi Qingxuan is very much using she/her pronouns today he decides that it’s fine to see her as a woman for today, and San Lang is very clearly a guy, or well, he hasn’t stated otherwise, has he? Not that he’s assuming anyone’s gender. But he’s a guy as far as he knows, so he counts as one.
Shi Qingxuan bursts out laughing when she sees his gaze, and Xie Lian ends up blushing and shielding his face with his hands out of embarrassment. Why is he doing this? Sure, San Lang looks good, but dating him? He doesn’t know him. And he wouldn’t date Shi Qingxuan because she’s his best friend. There’s no way any of this was ever going to be helpful.
“I don’t know, I have no idea,” he presses out between clenched teeth, and that also makes San Lang laugh again.
Which makes Xie Lian’s heart flutter again.
What’s up with that?
“It’s fine, it’s fine, take your time,” Shi Qingxuan laughs, and Xie Lian only takes the hands away from his face when he hears her sharply inhale.
“Oh my God,” she says, “oh my God guys he’s here oh fuck oh shit oh fuck what do I do oh no.”
Xie Lian doesn’t even have to take a guess at who it is considering her tone of voice, and yet he makes sure to check the people sitting in front of the ice café.
One of them is a guy, pretty tall, wearing completely black clothes, visibly not in a good mood, and he has three bowls of ice cream in front of him, all different flavours.
“Kick him in the shin and bury his body six feet underground.”
That makes Xie Lian turn back around to San Lang who’s said these words incredibly dry and on the spot. Shi Qingxuan does the same.
“W-what?” she stutters, coughing a little, and San Lang looks at her.
“Don’t trust that guy, I know him, he’s an awful person, he’ll eat the hair off your head if he goes hungry, and he’s gotten arrested several times for beating up people and dealing drugs.”
That is news to him, but the way San Lang says it, fully convinced of his own words, Xie Lian can’t help but believe him. If he’s being honest, he has suspected He Xuan to not be the nicest person on earth, but he wasn’t exactly going to voice it to his best friend. Besides, he didn’t really know, so it wasn’t his place. But maybe, just maybe that’ll make Shi Qingxuan think this through a little harder-
He hears her whistling.
“Oh, a bad boy. How attractive.”
Xie Lian can’t help but sigh loudly when she takes off to walk straight towards He Xuan.
“Your friend, she’s a bit reckless, isn’t she?” San Lang asks, still a bit dryly, however, he then clears his throat, and throws Xie Lian another one of those smiles.
“I suppose she’s gone for now, huh? Still want to get ice cream?”
“Yeah,” Xie Lian says, a bit confused, yet chuckling, “sure. This way, I still get to show you my favourite flavours, after all!”
He’s not usually that outgoing, but that guy’s smile – it makes it all worth it.
*
It’s been a few days of San Lang being new in their class, and apparently, everyone has decided to hate him. He Xuan even came to class ever since he saw him at the ice café. Which is definitely a rare occasion for him, and confused the entire class.
After Xie Lian walked in on an argument between him and San Lang it had become very apparent that these two indeed know each other; from what he’s gathered, San Lang had lived in an orphanage for a few years, and He Xuan had been his roommate. Then, however, he was adopted at the age of fifteen by an elderly couple in town who just so happened to be Xie Lian’s neighbours.
He did hear about them adopting a kid, but obviously he had assumed they were adopting a baby, not a fifteen year old boy. Overall, he thought he was seventeen, but turns out he’s a whole year younger than Xie Lian. And a child prodigy, since he’s skipped two whole grades, apparently having gotten into school one year late because of his family situation.
He doesn’t appear that troubled at all. It makes Xie Lian feel almost a little bad about him being so depressed for no apparent reason.
It’s gotten better though. He has to admit that, too. Maybe not his entire life will be so gloomy.
“Xie Lian?”
It’s Shi Qingxuan’s voice basically ringing in his ear, and then he feels them shaking his shoulders a few times.
“Earth to Lian, earth to Lian, are you still with us? You’ve been staring at San Lang for a while now, and he was polite enough not to say anything but… frankly, it’s getting a bit worrisome.”
It takes a few seconds for Xie Lian to properly process this information. He’s been staring at San Lang the entire time? Oh god. Oh no. That’s horrible. That’s absolutely embarrassing, and he feels his cheeks heating up again and he opens his mouth to say something and closes it again and-
“I’m sorry!” is the first thing he blurts out, “I was lost in thought! I wasn’t thinking anything weird or something, I promise!”
Underneath the table, Shi Qingxuan kicks his leg very lightly, and a bit teasingly, and Xie Lian just knows that she means this in a way that he surely does not mean any of this.
“Don’t worry, I was just worried, just like them!” San Lang says, and looks him up and down, “are you sure you’re okay? Are you feeling sick or something? Your face is all red.”
Again, that teasing edge is back in the guy’s voice, and Xie Lian can’t help but notice how his cheeks get even warmer at that.
It’s bad enough that the night after their ice cream eating, he had already dreamed of kissing the guy; like please, what was his mind even on about? And now he’s also acting like he somehow has a crush on him, which obviously he doesn’t.
“I’m fine,” he says hastily, and stuffs his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. His sleeves are up to his elbows today, which Pei Ming (his literature teacher) saw, and nodded at him with a smile. He’s fine wearing it like this today. It’s been long enough.
“I… want to go wash my face, actually,” he says a second later, mostly because something keeps him from saying ‘I want to go to the toilet’ in front of San Lang, that basic human need suddenly weirdly awkward to him. Especially after staring at him for so long. He knows it might come off as very wrong. He pats his own pants for a second to make sure he’s got everything in his pocket that he needs. He doesn’t mind grabbing this kind of thing in front of Shi Qingxuan, but San Lang doesn’t know, and Xie Lian would prefer to keep it that way.
“Oh, sure,” Shi Qingxuan says, “have fun!”
The grin on their face makes Xie Lian sigh, but she then immediately jumps up from where she’s seated to jump towards he Xuan, at the back of the classroom, a visible distance between him and the other classmates.
“They’re hopeless,” San Lang makes very clear, and Xie Lian can only nod in agreement.
“W-well, I’m off then!” he says, because just looking at San Lang makes him feel a bit weird. He doesn’t know what it is, because he really doesn’t hate him. Maybe he’s allergic to him or something? Maybe he’s actually disturbed by him being gay? Xie Lian has prided himself quite a lot on overcoming the homophobia and transphobia of his early childhood and teens, but maybe some of it has indeed stuck around.
He’s going to think about this later.
He gets up from his own place, and waves at San Lang, then takes off and walks through the school’s hallways.
He barely ever goes to the toilet during breaks, because obviously that’s when it’s most busy. But considering his deep voice, and the way his face looks now, he couldn’t go into the girl’s toilet either. Not that he minds going to the boys’ bathroom, no. He’s very used to that by now, just that usually… it’s not as full as now.
Is there an entire meeting going on in here?
Literally – upon opening the door, Xie Lian is overwhelmed with several groups of guys just standing there, right in his way, and they’re all… looking at a wall?
So he does, too.
On the wall, there’s a small sticker of Shrek. Underneath it, in black sharpie right on the white wall ‘Shrek f**** your bum’.
Xie Lian is glad for the asterisks.
However, he has no words for the rest of it.
“To be honest, Shrek could turn me gay,” he hears one of the guys say, and Xie Lian honestly wants to back right out and just go back to the classroom with his business unfinished, but common sense tells him to stay because he does have to go.
“Yeah, not gonna lie, me too, Ke Mo, me too. And I say that as a straight guy.”
Xie Lian frankly wants to die when he makes out his cousin’s voice in between all of those, saying something about finding Shrek attractive. He’s not that sure about his own sexuality, personally, but he knows that if he were to kiss anyone, it wouldn’t be Shrek, but San L-
Yeah, so, he’s not going to finish that thought.
He clears his throat, and accidentally makes others pay attention to him with that. Qi Rong, too, looks at him.
“What are you doing here, cousin?” he sounds like he’s about to spit on him. Xie Lian really doesn’t know where their relationship went wrong; when Qi Rong was a small boy, he respected him a lot, and then he got into his sassy teen phase, went all emo, is wearing a weird mix of black and green clothes, and listens to My Chemical Romance only.
“Uh… I need to use the toilet, could you let me through?” he asks, and while Qi Rong doesn’t move and only makes a low ‘tch’ sound, the others do so that Xie Lian is finally able to make it to one of the toilet stalls.
Apart from Shrek, the toilets are also all occupied except for one.
As quietly as somewhat possible, he gets the pad out of his pocket; his period sadly hasn’t yet stopped, but he’s only been on hormones for half a year, so that’s normal, the doctors said. Although he has noticed that this one is significantly weaker than the others, so he might be lucky, and it might be over soon.
Still, the boy’s bathroom never having a bin is already a problem, so he just wraps it up in a lot of toilet paper and stuffs it back into his pocket to get rid of it when drying his hands, discreetly.
Now on to the real challenge. Opening the new pad in the quietest way possible.
With a sigh, he makes the first move, and-
It falls out of his hand, making that awfully loud sound of crunching plastic.
“Oh my fucking God,” one of the boys outside says, “someone brought fucking crisps.”
Xie Lian absolutely freezes at that comment, and it’s partly because he’s mortified that someone might find out what sound that actually was, and partly because he can’t wrap his head around the idea of someone casually eating some crisps while on the toilet.
“Heyo, you’ll share, right? You’ll share, am I right? We’re all starved. Also you should make an offering to Shrek, someone just brought a figure.”
Xie Lian doesn’t even know where to begin with all of this, if he’s being honest. All of this is a plain mess. He decides to simply do the deed, and not answers, and that’s exactly what he does. He still has ten minutes left before the break ends. Surely people will leave him alone. So, sighing as quietly as possible to himself, he stays on the toilet seat, as he hears several of the guys knocking on all of the occupied stalls to find out who has brought the crisps.
That are non-existent.
Only after what feels like hours but is probably only like five minutes does he hear several guys make their way out of the door, obviously having given up.
Deeming it safe enough, and hoping that Qi Rong has also gotten lost, he quietly opens the toilet stall, and kind of dies inside a little.
There’s a Shrek shrine on the opposite wall now, and a lonely bag of crisps, meaning that someone else had actually brought crisps.
He’s not even going to try and understand that one.
Shaking his head quietly and realizing that no one is at the sink, he gets rid of the trash in his pocket, and washes his hands, as another door opens and-
His heart stops for another reason.
“That’s a shrine worthy of a God,” San Lang comments, and only then notices Xie Lian. For a few seconds, the two stare at each other.
Xie Lian is the first to make a sound, and it’s laughter. He can’t believe San Lang likes this kind of stuff, and perhaps even participated in it. He might have.
To his surprise, at his laughter, there’s a bit of a flush on San Lang’s cheeks, and he clears his throat, then walks over to him to also wash his hands and throws him another one of his usual smiles.
“I’m just saying that Shrek was a good movie.”
“I’ve never seen it,” Xie Lian admits, still chuckling, then grabbing some of the paper towels to dry his hands.
“What? How come you’ve never seen such a classic? I would’ve thought that Shi Qingxuan would have made you, actually.”
“No, no, they haven’t. It’s never come up.”
“Want to come over to mine tonight to watch it?”
Xie Lian drops the paper towel right then and there.
“Wh-what?”
“I mean- if you don’t want to, you don’t have to, obviously,” San Lang says immediately, grabbing some paper towels too, and then even reaching down to pick up the one Xie Lian dropped, burying the bunch of toilet paper below them, too, not even minding that.
Well. The Shrek shrine is probably a bit more out of this world than a bunch of toilet paper is.
“No!” Xie Lian quickly exclaims, “no, no, that’s fine! I’m free! It’s a Friday too! My parents won’t mind! Besides, you live right next to me anyways! I mean- if you ever want to come over to mine, you can just ring the bell, I don’t really go anywhere, and-“
He stops himself mid-way through, realizing what he’s just said.
They’ve only known each other for a few days, yet it feels like it’s been so much longer than just that.
“If you’re offering, I can also come over to yours, as long as you have a DVD player. I own Shrek. Have owned it since I stole it when I was five, and memorized the entire thing.”
“Stole it?” Xie Lian laughs, because he’s just imagining a five years old San Lang, casually walking into a shop to steal Shrek the movie on DVD.
“It’s a long story.”
*
“You are doing what?”
Xie Lian doesn’t even know what to answer Shi Qingxuan if he’s being honest. He hadn’t had the heart to tell them at school. Mostly because he himself can’t believe this is happening.
He shields his hand a bit in front of his phone, as if anyone could hear; the house is so big, and San Lang is on the other side of it, while Xie Lian is hiding in the bathroom, very much close to a breakdown.
“Uhm… San Lang is at my house, and we’re about to watch Shrek.”
“First of all, I can’t believe you didn’t invite me, is there any particular reason?”
Xie Lian has thought about this, because usually he would have invited them, but he didn’t… and what for?
“Wait. Don’t tell me, Lianlian. Is this a date?”
That’s when Xie Lian’s heart officially stops.
“No, I’m not even- I’m not in love- or something, why would I be-“
“Lian, I don’t know how to break this to you but you’re constantly blushing around him.”
“I’ve only known him for a few days, Qingxuan!”
“Well, either way, this is most definitely a date for him. Have you not seen the heart eyes he makes at you, Lian?”
“The- what? No, no, what are you talking about?”
He can feel his head steaming, and splashes some cold water over his face. God. This is a miserable situation.
“Ask him.”
“We’ve only known each other for a few days, Qingxuan, I’m not going to ask him that! Stop saying these things, you’ve clearly watched too much Netflix lately!”
“Maybe you should Netflix and chill with him-“
Xie Lian decides that this is enough of their teasing, and he instantly hangs up, mid-sentence. A few seconds later, he receives a text from them.
‘Call me tomorrow morning or tonight depending on when he leaves love u Lian’
He can’t help but smile at that, though. He knows they just want to help, even if it means embarrassing him.
‘love u too’ he quickly texts back, both of them knowing they mean this plainly platonically.
Small moments like this make him realize how much Shi Qingxuan actually cares about him, and he wouldn’t want them to stop being friends with him, ever.
He takes a deep breath and looks at himself in the mirror, quickly brushing through his hair and tying it again to make it less messy. He does have bags under his eyes that aren’t going to leave any time soon, but he can’t help that. He rearranges his pullover and-
Wait, why does he even care about his looks with that guy?
No, no, no, he shakes all those thoughts off right away, takes another deep breath, then steps out of the bathroom, and slowly walks back to the living room again.
His parents have agreed to let them have it, both of them mostly just being glad that he’s made a new friend. They’re in the bedroom, probably, especially since they have a TV there too.
“Welcome back!” San Lang says, seated on the couch, and Xie Lian drops down next to him, although with a little bit of distance between them. “Are you ready for Shrek?”
“Not so sure,” Xie Lian laughs, and grabs the remote. The DVD is already in the player, so they’ll just have to turn on the TV. This is probably going to be a very fun night.
“Oh, by the way, we have a guest room,” suddenly breaks out of him, “if you somehow get too tired or something, you can use that-“
The only response is a grin, till Xie Lian realizes that San Lang literally lives next door.
“Y-yeah, never mind that…”
“It’s fine. Might take you up on the offer another day,” there’s something in his voice, something teasing, and yet Xie Lian can’t perfectly place where this tone belongs, “but I have to go home later. Got some medicine to take and all, and I didn’t bring that with me.”
Medicine? Does he have a sickness that Xie Lian doesn’t know about? He doesn’t look sick. Not that somebody has to look sick, after all, he has severe depression, so he’d know, but-
“Nothing to worry about, don’t worry, don’t worry,” San Lang says immediately, as if having read his thoughts, “really. I mean it.”
The bit of panic, and the bit of a flush on his cheeks…
It makes Xie Lian smile.
“Alright, I trust you. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, obviously.”
“One day, maybe.”
Xie Lian nods and with the air now a little awkward between them, he turns on the TV to get rid of the silence.
In a few minutes, the awkward silence is all forgotten about, and laughter fills the room.
*
“Xie Lian? Hey, I’m really sorry, but I have to go home now. I promised to be home by midnight. I’m sorry for waking you up, but I have trouble getting up like this.”
Xie Lian is awake in an instant at hearing that voice, and he doesn’t know what to make of any of this, and he doesn’t know what his name is or where he lives or who this-
San Lang.
Now he’s properly awake.
There’s a hand in his hair, and his head is resting on something that feels like… a leg?
Shit.
Right.
At one point, he did realize that he’s incredibly tired all of a sudden, something about San Lang just making him drop all his defense. But that he’d actually fall asleep, and somehow end up… in his lap of all things?
That’s too much.
He sits up, and feels heat rush to his face so fast that he thinks he’s going to faint.
“I’m sorry!” he yells, “oh my god, I’m so sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-“
“Stop apologizing, it’s no big deal,” San Lang laughs, his hand only sinking now
Xie Lian wants to keep apologizing, but he makes himself shut up, and instead doesn’t say anything.
“Please do go to bed though, Xie Lian. You look really tired. Don’t set an alarm for tomorrow, just have a good night of sleep, okay?”
They did at least manage to finish the movie, that much Xie Lian recalls, but then somehow they got talking about this and that, and then he ended up apparently falling asleep so hard that he fell into San Lang’s lap and just napped there.
“Y-yeah,” he stutters, and helplessly watches as San Lang packs up his DVD and puts on the shoes that he left on the small carpet in the living room where Xie Lian keeps his own.
Something inside of him really wants to ask him to just stay, but he can’t bring himself to. That’d be weird to ask of a friend, right?
“Are you alright? Your face is flushed, do you have a fever?”
Before Xie Lian can even protest, San Lang has made his way over to him and put his hand to his forehead.
“Hmm. Doesn’t seem like it. Either way, just rest, okay?”
Again, he can’t do anything but nod. The right side of his face still feels all warm from where he was sleeping on him.
“Alright. Have a good night then, Xie Lian! You can text me tomorrow or something if you want to watch Shrek 2 or something!”
Is that… another invitation?
He swallows hard.
His heart does the fluttering thing again.
“O-okay, I will,” he says, realizing how slurred his voice still is. San Lang, already standing in the door now, waves at him, and throws him another grin.
“Have a good night!”
“Y-you too!”
And with that, he opens the door, and is gone.
Just like that.
“You better still be awake,” Xie Lian hisses to himself, grabbing his phone from the table from where he’s been spammed with Shi Qingxuan sending him stickmen illustrations of Shrek, and some cursed Shrek memes, and for some reason they also have a picture of the Shrek shrine from the school’s toilet, probably from He Xuan.
However, all of that was an hour ago.
He clicks on the phone button, praying to ever single God he’s ever heard of for them to pick up and-
“…huuuh?”
“Qingxuan?”
“Uh… Lian, that you? Sorry, was… asleep. Forgot to turn off my phone. Wassup?”
Their voice is absolutely slurred, just like his, except worse.
“This better be an emergency, Lian, I’m tired as hell because I played too much online Mario Kart with He Xuan.”
He’s not going to question this.
“Uh… it kind of is? I- I fell asleep in his lap.”
The person on the other end of the phone is seemingly awake in an instant.
“Excuse me, you what? Did you kiss? Or even more? Lian, tell me everything, please, oh my God you’re moving right in! But no for real, I wasn’t joking when I said he’s making heart eyes at you, He Xuan said that same, and he’s obviously known him for a bit longer than we have, I mean we don’t even really know him to begin with, but it’s still just fine to have a crush and all of that, I just think it’s absolutely funny how you’ve never been in love and now you’ve fallen so hard so fast, I mean not that I can really blame you and-“
“I don’t have a crush on him!”
“You do! You so do!”
“I don’t! What are you on about?”
“Lianlian, don’t keep lying to yourself, it’s okay! You definitely have chances! I mean, please do wait until you know him for a bit longer, otherwise this is just a bit weird maybe, but you share so many interests, and he’s been so kind to you-“
“But he’s gay!”
“You’re a guy!”
“But not really!”
“Yes you are, I’m not arguing with you on something as dumb as internalized transphobia!”
“He’s not going to like me back!”
“Haha, you just admitted your crush, Lianlian~”
“I’m going to hang up again!”
“No, Lianlian, you just admitted it! So, let’s make a plan, did he say anything about meeting you again-“
“He told me to text him tomorrow if I want to watch Shrek 2.”
There’s silence on the other end of the phone.
“I really don’t know what to make of this absolutely cursed plan, if I’m honest, but go for it if you have the energy! Why not?”
He has to agree.
Why not?
*
For the past two weeks, Xie Lian had spent every single evening with San Lang, and Shi Qingxuan has been teasing him about it every single night, specifically staying up for when one of them would leave. Xie Lian is really glad to have her as a friend.
And San Lang has kept his mind off things, too, which was generally a very good thing. His therapist even specifically told him that ‘this San Lang seems to be really good for you’.
However, on the downside, there’s no way he can deny that this is a crush anymore. Of course he’s never had one before or well-
Looking back, he did. He must have. He did have one other crush apart from him, but that was years ago. Many years ago, too.
Slowly shaking his head, just thinking of sitting next to this one kid at school, his heart beating all fast, drawing with him… it makes him smile. He would love to know what became of Hong.
“Xie Lian?”
His head shoots up at that, and he meets San Lang’s eyes. There’s a grin on his face, as always.
“Hm? What’s up, San Lang?”
Xie Lian grips the sandwich in his hand a little harder to not lose it over the way San Lang looks today. It’s gotten warm enough for him to be wearing shorts, very athletic legs being presented to him, and a black tanktop as well as…
A lot of accessories.
And his ugly red shoes that Xie Lian loves at this point.
“He Xuan is hosting a party tonight, wanna come too? I’ve been invited, and Shi Qingxuan obviously too, but He Xuan doesn’t really know you well, so he’s asked me to invite you instead.”
“Didn’t you dislike him?”
That seemingly catches San Lang off-guard, and he backs away a little, that adorable shocked expression on his face again.
Xie Lian laughs into his sandwich. He’s so cute. And he makes him so happy.
“I mean, I- he’s an awful person and very cold and I really don’t know what your friend sees in him, and I wished I didn’t have to go the party.”
All of these words are lies. Xie Lian can tell.
“Right, right,” he says, and bites into the sandwich again, “I can ask my mom once I bring my plate downstairs. I… haven’t ever been to a party, so I might not stay long, and they might say no, and I’m probably not going to drink or anything, just… just so you know. If you could just… stay around and not wander off, maybe?”
“Oh, sure!” San Lang agrees, and puts one hand to Xie Lian’s shoulder, who, in response, just… melts.
Every single touch of his feels so warm. Comfortable. He wants to lean into it even more.
“Thanks,” he says, “I’ve just… never been to one. Sorry if I end up being awkward or something.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’m happy whenever you’re around, after all.”
It feels so much longer than two weeks.
It feels like they’ve known each other for a lifetime.
Shi Qingxuan would probably tell him that San Lang is flirting with him, but Xie Lian neither believes that, nor would want them to say that.
He swallows the piece of sandwich right in time for the door to fly open.
His mother is standing there, something in her hand, that-
Xie Lian dies on the inside. And his mind goes empty. And he chokes on his own spit and ends up coughing violently.
His mother is still raising her hand with the object in it, and to be fair, at least it’s not nude colour, at least it’s rainbow-coloured, because Xie Lian thought that well, if he was just going to stuff it into his pants no one was going to see it anyways, and he owns two anyways, but apparently he must have forgotten that-
“Uhm,” his mother starts, clears her throat, and places his rainbow-coloured packer directly on the nightstand, in front of San Lang, who’s probably misinterpreting the object a lot, “you kinda uh… forgot your dick in the bathroom?”
“Mom,” Xie Lian chokes out, burying his face in his hands, “I- Mom! Just… I-“
“I- I’ll… leave, yeah!” she says, nodding very fast, and walking straight back out of the door, closing it behind her.
Apart from the embarrassment of having a rainbow-coloured dick on his nightstand right in front of his crush, there’s also the issue of him being absolutely mortified, because if San Lang hadn’t yet caught on to him being trans, there’s literally no way he wouldn’t now.
“Xie Lian?” he asks after what feels like eternity, and that snaps Xie Lian out of his trance-like state. He grabs the packer, and shoves it into his drawer as fast as humanly possible. Then buries his face in his hands again.
“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to- see this.”
“No, I don’t mind-“
“Just so you don’t misinterpret the situation I own this because I don’t have one, not because- y-yeah, I mean, no-“
“I’m aware.”
“And I mean, I know you might hate me for somehow deceiving you or something, in which case I’m really sorry, but just know that I really like being around you and I’d rather not lose you over this-“
“You won’t.”
“And I promise I wasn’t lying to you or anything, so please don’t hate me or Shi Qingxuan, it’s just that they don’t mind me being like this even though, I don’t know, they probably should and-“
“Xie Lian, frankly, I couldn’t care less if you’re trans or not, and I mean this in the most positive way possible.”
His heart stops.
“Huh?”
“I mean, I don’t care. You’re Xie Lian to me. I knew beforehand, this is neither a surprise nor a shock to me. This is an embarrassing situation for other reasons, but not because of you being trans. No one should mind you being you. Okay? Besides, I quite like the colours, where did you find it?”
Xie Lian feels something in his chest, and for a moment, he thinks that it’s him going to be sick, until he realizes that it’s the butterflies San Lang always sets free inside of him, except this time it’s also relief crashing down on him.
He ends up bursting out into tears.
It’s the first reaction he’s had that was so uncomplicated. Shi Qingxuan was…. Much more demanding, although very supportive, but San Lang is just telling him that it’s alright, and that’s… all.
“Did I say something wrong?” San Lang asks suddenly, raising both of his hands, and Xie Lian shakes his head, trying to look at him, but he still feels a little awkward.
“N-no, not at all. Sorry, it’s just- I didn’t expect this to be so easy. Sorry. Why did you say you knew?”
“Oh, uh-“
San Lang stops talking for a bit, and Xie Lian thinks that yeah, maybe he just didn’t pass well enough or something, and San Lang doesn’t want to hurt him by directly telling him that.
“Intuition,” he rasps out, “I mean- you pass well. That isn’t it! It’s just uh- you know, I just knew. You know how sometimes you just know when someone is gay by looking at them, because you’re gay yourself? Something like that?”
“I believe Shi Qingxuan called that a ‘gaydar’” Xie Lian laughs, and strokes one of his tears away, but the next second, there’s someone else’s hand on his cheek.
San Lang’s fingers are surprisingly soft against his skin, wiping his tears repeatedly, on each side. For some time, they just sit there like that, and Xie Lian feels like he might as well die now. San Lang is touching him like this. It feels incredibly intimate.
Then, it clicks.
And suddenly, a lot makes sense.
“Wait. San Lang, did you imply… what I think you were implying? But- you’re, uh… you clearly don’t have, uh-“
He chokes on his own words, because he doesn’t accidentally want to make San Lang uncomfortable, either. However, the other just chuckles, stroking away yet another tear.
“Oh, uh, I started hormones very early and got top surgery last year already. So yeah. That’s what I was implying. And I… still don’t really like myself for it an everything. But in theory I know there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with you, either. Okay? So yeah. Where did you get that from?”
“Etsy,” Xie Lian chuckles, “and… there’s nothing wrong with you, either. In fact, I think you’re really good looking- uh- I mean-“
That left his mouth before he was able to stop it. His cheeks feel like they’re going to explode. San Lang’s fingers stop wiping away his tears, because he also promptly stops crying, and he thinks that there’s a slight tremble going through them, and suddenly he’s kind of cupping his face and-
“I… also think you’re really good-looking,” San Lang blurts out, and Xie Lian thinks he’s literally just going to die on the spot.
If this was a movie, surely now they’d-
Their eyes meet, and Xie Lian’s heart stops and before he knows it he is the one to lean in, barely knowing what’s overcome him like this, and then they’re kissing.
It’s his first kiss.
San Lang’s lips are even softer than his fingers. His hair is tickling him, strands being pressed against his forehead, and he can both hear and feel the silent gasp leaving San Lang’s mouth when their lips meet.
It’s stiff, and kind of weird, and it feels different from what he would have expected, but also it sets his entire body on fire. This feels right. This feels like a right thing to do.
Not really knowing where to put his hands, he keeps them in his lap, one of them awkwardly still holding on to the sandwich he’s not sure he’ll be able to finish now.
The kiss lasts longer than he thought his first kiss would last.
And when they break apart, and he opens his eyes just a bit, he meets San Lang’s. There’s a beautiful smile on his lips, and Xie Lian so desperately wants to feel it against his own that he just leans in to kiss him again.
*
“What do you mean you have to move away?”
Xie Lian looks at the boy in front of him, still as scrawny and dirty as when they first met, and he’s already heard his parents talking poorly about him, though he doesn’t really understand why. After all, it’s not his fault he’s so dirty, right? He’s told him a bit about his parents. Besides, Xie Lian has often sneaked him into the house when his parents weren’t there, or just busy enough not to notice, and allowed him to take a bath and gave him the most masculine clothes he could find of his own. Which wasn’t very easy, because most of his clothes are very girly and it’s mostly dresses and skirts.
Xie Lian does like his dresses a lot.
“My parents told me they don’t want me anymore. So I’m moving. To an orphanage. Sorry. You’ll be rid of me soon.”
At that, Xie Lian stands up, and grabs the boy’s shoulders, staring at him. His eyes are really pretty. He’s always thought so.
“But… I don’t want you to leave? You’re my friend after all!”
Xie Lian is only ten years old. He doesn’t know that this isn’t all there is to it, and that while losing a friend also hurts, there’s also another feeling in his chest that makes it ache just a little more.
He’s known him for four years. He can’t bear losing him.
“You… don’t want me to leave?”
“No, no, I’d never want that! You’ll write me letters, right?”
“You can’t read my handwriting.”
“I’ll learn!”
*
Xie Lian never received any letters.
*
When they arrive at the party, the rainbow coloured packer now where it belongs, and San Lang holding his hand, Shi Qingxuan immediately runs over to them, then stares at their hands, then stops dead in the track.
Once Xie Lian realizes where he’s staring at, he immediately lets go of San Lang’s hand. Quickly hides his behind his own back.
“Uh- we’re here,” he stutters, but Shi Qingxuan only raises an eyebrow at him. He’s wearing a black button-up which is seemingly too large for him; it must be He Xuan’s. Xie Lian isn’t sure whether he wants to hear the story behind this.
At least he’s wearing his own pants; though they have so many holes that Xie Lian isn’t sure they can even be called that. They’re pastel turquoise, and perfectly match Shi Qingxuan’s pastel turquoise and pink shoes.
The shirt looks incredibly out of place, and it’d be obvious to anyone that this is not his own.
“You were holding hands.”
“Hua Cheng you fucker, come over here or else I’ll destroy your shitty ass house!”
Xie Lian would recognize that voice from miles away. Qi Rong is standing on the other end of the hallway, grinning at San Lang, who just grins back at him menacingly.
“What did you do?” Xie Lian whispers to San Lang, and he leans over to his ear, shielding it with his hand.
“I might have taken the entire Shrek shrine home with me yesterday morning.”
Right. The Shrek shrine was indeed still a thing, and it became more and more. But that he stole the Shrek shrine…? Xie Lian can’t help but burst into laughter, especially when San Lang cracks his knuckles.
“Sure, bring it on, Mister Cousin. You won’t be able to beat me anyways.”
And with that, San Lang steps over to Qi Rong, and they disappear into another room.
He Xuan’s house is also very big, Xie Lian has to note. He wonders whether San Lang and his cousin will have a proper fight, or just a drinking contest, or maybe play a game of chess. He sees no way San Lang wouldn’t win, no matter what the contest is.
“Sooo, Lianlian, you were holding hands just now?”
He chokes again, realizing he’s now in a dire situation with Shi Qingxuan, until he realizes that-
“So, you’re wearing He Xuan’s shirt?”
They both go silent, and Shi Qingxuan stares at him for a few seconds.
“It’s not what you think it is!” he then exclaims, hastily patting the shirt a little, “we were making fish sticks with fries for dinner, and I got ketchup all over my t-shirt, so it’s in the wash right now! He just lent me, that’s all! I swear! It’s actually less suspicious than you holding hands with your crush, if you think about it!”
No matter his words, and sure, Xie Lian believes him, but they’re all so hasty and embarrassed that it’s very clear that Shi Qingxuan really likes wearing this guy’s shirt.
“Look, we just… talked about some stuff. However this doesn’t mean he likes me back-“
“He looked like he’d just go ahead and kiss you before he disappeared with your cousin, Xie Lian.”
His mind explodes. He remembers the kiss immediately. The way his lips felt against his, and the way they kissed for literally at least fifteen minutes or something before Xie Lian properly dropped the sandwich in his hand and got mayonnaise all over his pants.
They probably would have continued kissing for double the amount of time if that hadn’t happened.
And despite how he feels himself blush, there’s also a damned smile creeping onto his lips and-
“No way,” Shi Qingxuan mouths, “you two kissed?”
And before he can even really consider the effects of nodding, Xie Lian does, because part of him is just very proud of having kissed San Lang, and for such a long amount of time, too. His head still feels light.
“Oh my god you actually finally kissed I thought this was going to take eight-hundred years and I was not ready to put up with that!” Shi Qingxuan squeaks, and the next moment, he’s already hugging XIe Lian.
“You kissed! Was that your first kiss? How was it? Oh my God how did that even happen? I can’t believe it happened this fast? Oh my God, oh my God, I need alcohol, this feels like my child’s got his first boyfriend and I'm going to lose my son and God, I really need some alcohol..”
Xie Lian also laughs, because while he’s terribly embarrassed, the happiness is outweighing that by far, and he hugs Shi Qingxuan back.
“I’ll try some alcohol but I doubt I’ll like it much. I’ll tell you once we’ve uh- sat down somewhere, okay?”
Shi Qingxuan nods, however, they never get to actually talk about it. Once they enter the party room, they see Qi Rong on a table, one of his eyes blue (which makes Xie Lian laugh a lot), and raising both of his hands. San Lan is leaning against the wall opposite of him.
“I’m now deciding that we’re going to play never have I ever to make this guy confess to his crime of stealing the Shrek shrine!”
“I’m in!” Shi Qingxuan says, forgetting all about Xie Lian, and darting towards He Xuan who’s seated in front of the entire alcohol. Shi Qingxuan whips out several shot glasses and hands Xie Lian one with something pink inside of it.
“Here. You’ll handle that. Besides, you’re very innocent, you won’t have to drink a lot!”
Xie Lian stares at the sparkling pink liquid, then recognizes it in one of the bottles on the table. Apparently it’s strawberry wine. Well, it sounds good enough.
“Here. For San Lang. I bet he’s had vodka before.”
That said, Shi Qingxuan hands Xie Lian another shot with vodka, and he nods a bit confusedly to walk back to San Lang. The boy gladly takes the alcohol, and throws him a smile.
“I hope Qi Rong knows what he’s doing. I bet you know some embarrassing childhood stories, right?”
Xie Lian only shrugs.
“Oh, he loved me back in the day, but there’s nothing really embarrassing about that. So uhm… let’s sit down right here?”
San Lang nods, and flops onto the floor, Xie Lian following closely behind. This is going to be an exhausting night.
-
Xie Lian hasn’t drunk yet. Not even once. Surprisingly, neither has San Lang. And here Xie Lian really believed that he’d already had a girlfriend or boyfriend. Turns out that wasn’t the case. He did see Shi Qingxuan drinking at things which he didn’t want to see him drink at. Hell, she even shot him apologetic glances as he did. Xie Lian really and honestly doesn’t want to know about these things either. He’ll try to forget this ever happened. Since He Xuan did invite quite a lot of people, it’s only San Lang’s turn now.
(Qi Rong had drunk so much that he never even got to make San Lang admit his wrongdoings; he just went straight to the bathroom.)
Xie Lian really wonders what he’ll say.
San Lang stares at the vodka in his glass, still the same as before, then shoots He Xuan a lovely smile from where he’s sitting right next to Xie Lian. Shi Qingxuan on the other side of him.
“Never have I ever committed arson.”
“I hate you.”
And with that, He Xuan knocks back a shot. Seemingly having committed arson. No one else in the room drinks, for very obvious reasons, and the rest of them go utterly quiet.
Someone whistles. Xie Lian doesn’t even have to check to know that was Shi Qingxuan. Of course he’d also find that attractive.
“Tell me about it later, please?” he hears him say, and can’t help but sigh. Shi Qingxuan is hopeless. He should be happy that his brother isn’t here; Xie Lian has heard from Shi Qingxuan already that Shi Wudu does not seem to appreciate her being so close with He Xuan, deeming him sketchy.
After knowing that he’s committed arson, Xie Lian agrees.
“Well, now we all know who’s a criminal,” San Lang smiles, and it looks so menacing but… good? On him? Xie Lian wants to punch himself for thinking that. If only they weren’t in front of so many people, maybe they could kiss again. It’s not like that’d hurt, right? Then again, he can’t know. Maybe San Lang didn’t actually like it. Maybe he doesn’t want to kiss him ever again. Maybe he just held his hand out of pity. He goes quiet, until he Xuan suddenly stares at him.
“It’s your turn. Hurry up. I need to get back at your boyfriend.”
“He’s not my boyfriend…!” Xie Lian cries out, and buries his face in his hands, suddenly all negative thoughts forgotten because of He Xuan saying this in front of literally everyone.
“Wait… he isn’t?” someone that Xie Lian doesn’t even know asks. If anything, he might have briefly seen this face in the hallways at school, and that’s literally about it. God. This is horrible. This is embarrassing.
“N-no! He’s not! We’re not- no, I mean-“
“Xie Lian, your turn,” San Lang suddenly says, and his voice is a bit quieter than usual and… hurt?
Is he hurt because Xie Lian said they’re not boyfriends?
He swallows, clears his throat, forces all the other thoughts to the back of his head and speaks up. His voice cracking once, but he speaks up.
“Never have I ever babysat.”
Some people who were still talking about San Lang and Xie Lian not being a thing go quiet at that, and stare him down.
Xie Lian knows this isn’t the kind of thing you say during games like this, but he can’t bring himself to pronounce any dirty words; besides, hasn’t all of this been said already? What else was left for him to say? Still, everyone is glaring at him so judgmentally that he wants to go and bury himself in a hole and never resurface.
Some people sigh, and drink, including He Xuan. Briefly, Xie Lian wonders whether he’s also set a baby on fire, then decides that’s too much, and that he might be an arsonist, but not a murderer. Surely Shi Qingxuan would have some kind of standard for his partners, right?
“Fine, my turn,” He Xuan says, the coldest of smiles that Xie Lian has ever seen in his entire life on his face, and once more…
What does Shi Qingxuan see in him? He’s really not sure.
He Xuan raises his voice, but he clearly looks past Xie Lian and directly at San Lang.
“Never have I ever lied to my crush about how I’ve already been friends with him for several years as a kid just because my ego is that bad and I don’t want him to judge me for it.”
The room goes quiet once more. And more importantly, Xie Lian’s entire mind goes quiet, too.
Crush? He has a crush? Of course he does. Of course someone like San Lang would be looking for a boyfriend. Of course there’d be someone in his life, and Xie Lian just knows it’s not him and-
Then it sinks in.
As a kid? Wasn’t there someone San Lang kind of reminded him of-
The realization hits him like a slap in the face.
“…Oh,” he breathes out, and watches as San Lang in front of him turns red, then absolutely pale to the point Xie Lian is worried he’s going to pass out, then his face is flushed again within seconds. “Oh.”
When that leaves his lips, San Lang instantly stands up, and runs straight out of the room so fast that Xie Lian’s tired eyes can barely even follow him.
“Oh.”
He’s so stupid. He should have known. That’s why San Lang knew that he’s trans. That’s why he knew. That’s why he felt so familiar. That’s why he fell for him so fast.
That’s why they fell for each other so fast.
“…Oh.”
“Stop 'oh'ing and follow him, you absolute idiot!”
Someone pulls him up by the collar, and he stares right into Shi Qingxuan’s eyes as he tries raising him up very awkwardly but quickly realizes that he’s too weak to do so.
“Oh.”
“Lianlian I swear to God you’re a hopeless case and like I have no clue where you’ve met each other before, but he’s clearly hurt and- He Xuan I’m literally going to kill you tonight, this was so uncalled for!”
“Well, he exposed me, too.”
“But arson is at least hot! Insecurities aren’t! …Pun not intended!”
He kicks He Xuan in the ribs, although lightly, then grabs onto Xie Lian again.
“So you. Stop 'oh'ing. Follow him. You’ve got a crush on him, right? So go on, confess, talk this out, you two. I’ll be taking care of this asshole right here.”
After a bit, and with his own help, Shi Qingxuan manages to pull him up. Xie Lian nods, although still a bit confused, so many memories flooding back, and then he just runs for it.
He has no idea where San Lang has gone to. Probably home. If he hasn’t gone home, then he’ll check the bridge, because he knows San Lang often comes there to calm down.
Once out of the house, he looks left, right, and sees something red disappear behind a corner.
His shoes.
“San Lang!” he shouts, and speeds up as fast as possible. Maybe he’s not the sportiest of the sportiest, but he’s definitely fast. Besides, there’s nowhere San Lang can really hide. Not in a town that he doesn’t know too well yet.
“San Lang!”
At the second shout when he turns around the corner, his sides are already stinging. Yeah, physical exercise and talking really doesn’t go well together, huh?
Surprisingly, San Lang does stop walking at his second shout, but never turns around to him.
“Please wait- please just let us talk, alright? Please?”
He doesn’t get a reaction.
“I mean I- had a bit of a feeling that I knew you, but now it clicked, and- I’m sorry I made you wear girl clothes…!”
Now, San Lang does turn around. And despite the obvious look of despair on his face, a short grin makes it onto his lips, although gone in the next second.
“You gave me jeans and pullovers. That’s not exactly classically feminine, is it? Besides you gave them to me because they were clean. Not because you wanted to offend me or something.”
“That’s- that’s… yeah, I suppose that’s true.”
Xie Lian walks the last few steps towards him, and then stands in front of him, although still a bit of distance between them.
“Why did you never write me?”
“I didn’t have your address. You never told me.”
For a while, they just look at each other again, and Xie Lian opens his mouth, closes it without having said anything, then scratches his head.
“Well. Oopsie.”
“I’m sorry you learned this way.”
“That wasn’t okay of He Xuan. Shi Qingxuan has already screamed at him for it, don’t worry,” he says, and then, in the spurt of the moment-
“So you meant the kisses and it wasn’t just a random thing that you do with friends?”
Only now, after having said it out loud, does Xie Lian realize the full weight of this all.
San Lang likes him back. This amazing boy who’s almost a head taller than him likes him back.
Clearly struggling with his words, and between clenched teeth, San Lang says: “I’d never kiss just a random friend. I’d never kiss anyone who isn’t you.”
Xie Lian’s heart stops. That’s about the most romantic line he’s ever heard, and there are these butterflies in his stomach again, and he really just wants to kiss him again and-
“I’ve had a crush on you back then, too,” breaks out of him, “I just didn’t realize till I fell in love with you again.”
At that, San Lang’s head shoots up, and they both stare at each other in shock.
San Lang because he can’t believe that Xie Lian would requite his feelings, and Xie Lian because he’s very much surprised with himself that he’d manage to say something like this out loud in the middle of a street where in theory, several people could be watching them.
“Uhm… so, what now?” he laughs, trying his best not to absolutely lose it, especially when San Lang doesn’t answer him.
“You… just to clarify. You like me… back?”
“Yes, I- I think I made that more than obvious right now,” Xie Lian replies, and looks at him again. It’s like San Lang is experiencing a million emotions all at once as he stares at Xie Lian, then just walks over to him (which looks a bit like he’s a zombie straight out of a horror movie, considering the stiff movements), and embraces him.
Xie Lian thinks to himself that he’s never been hugged this way. Not so firmly, yet tenderly, never like that.
He melts into the touch, melts and melts and melts until his knees are all wobbly and he’s trembling and shivering.
San Lang smells good. A little bit of blood; probably from punching Qi Rong a few times, which Xie Lian really can’t blame him for,
“So like… you’ll be my boyfriend then, I suppose?” Xie Lian whispers into his shoulder, and feels the arms on his back properly twitch at that question.
He has no clue where he’s taking this courage from, either, if he’s being honest. Maybe it’s his racing heart, actually.
“If- if that’s what you want, then- yes. Yes, I’d like that,” San Lang says, and squeezes him even tighter.
He’s warm. Very comfortable. Xie Lian can’t help but think that he never wants to let go of him ever again when he wraps his own arms around him.
“My boyfriend,” he whispers, more to himself, “little Hong.”
“Bad first name choice,” San Lang says, but then he just laughs, and then there’s a hand in Xie Lian’s hair.
He feels like he’s going to cry.
“Fine, fine. My boyfriend, tall San Lang.”
“I could get used to that title,” says a voice very close to Xie Lian’s ear, and then he suddenly lets go of him.
It doesn’t take more than a millisecond for Xie Lian to understand why San Lang has loosened the hug. His guess is confirmed when there’s a cold hand on his chin, grabbing it very gently, and pulling him a bit closer again by his waist.
“This is- okay, right?” San Lang asks, and as a response, Xie Lian stands up on his tip-toes, and just kisses him.
As if it wouldn’t be okay. San Lang clearly doesn’t know him as well as he could yet. Well, they’ll have time to work on that.
With a sigh, Xie Lian wraps his hands around his neck, mostly to keep himself up and not accidentally slip away from his boyfriend’s lips.
He can barely believe this. He can barely believe he’s allowed to have this guy as his boyfriend.
Clinging on to him just a bit harder, he quietly thinks to himself that honestly, he could go on kissing him forever and never let go. That much is for sure.
And he won’t, not unless he have to.